Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: In late 1986, a 55 gallon drum of highly toxic

experimental chemical warfare nuclear waste

was rumored to be missing from a high security

warehouse facility at Fort Henry Dicker, Maryland.

After many denials, it was finally

admitted by top Pentagon officials

that indeed one drum of the biohazard was unaccounted for.

Fort Dicker spokesperson Brigadier General John

Gillis maintains that this barrel

poses no human health threat.

Retired Fort Dicker scientist Dr. Roger Soriano

when asked to comment, replied that this one

particular barrel could mean the end of life

as we know it on this planet.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER ECHOING]

Ooh! ORDERLY: Son of a bitch.

[SLAPPING]

ORDERLY: Get him down the hall, quick.

[LAUGHTER ECHOING]

[DOOR OPENS]

DR KILDARE: So that's her, huh?

Yes.

Quite a disturbing case.

And what's the prognosis?

Our patient seems to be suffering

from an acute effective paranoid psychosis

with complications of schizophrenic melanomic edema.

At least that's the preliminary indication.

Well, there must be some way to break through it.

What the hell happened up there?

No one knows, but whatever it was,

it must have been the epitome of horror.

Well, do we have time for nine holes before surgery?

Oh, yes.

Let's play at your club.

Mine doesn't allow Jews.

Well, what's your hitting average these days, Sven?

I'll go back to 16.

16?

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[VOICE ECHOING]

[INAUDIBLE ECHOING]

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC ON RADIO]

It's messing with my head driving this shit

from one dump to another.

Just don't make no sense.

Can't keep it in Cumberlink because it's

too close to the river, so it's got

to go to [INAUDIBLE] where it'll be too close to the ocean.

Can you believe that, Hoss?

So now here I am in the middle of redneck

nowhere with a few stripes and a short straw playing

nursemaid to a god damn tin can full of chemical toxic warfare

waste. [STATIC]

Oh, shit.

PREACHER (ON RADIO): And the Lord, I said the Lord

has made men equal in his eyes.

We are all brothers, and that is why we must be rid, I say,

must be rid of those who would disgrace brotherhood.

We must smite the niggers and chase the [INAUDIBLE]

Bastards from off... Fuck you.

Now, let's see, I'm sure this splotch right here

is that tree right over there.

I think that splotch is a tobacco stain.

That old man dribbled like a Harlem globetrotter.

BOB: Hell, he was missing so many teeth it looked like Mr

T did a workout on his face.

Well I pity the fool who don't cut the bullshit

and find a trail before we die out here.

Unless you can't find it, Wilbur.

I'll find it, don't you worry none little lady.

I'm sure that this splotch is that tree, dickhead.

Which means this scraw is probably that fence.

Which means the trail is right over here.

Hot damn!

Hallelujah.

Hey, don't be singing no spirituals now, Theresa.

I'll tell you what, I'll just sing about redneck white boys

who a pain in they own ass.

Are we going to stand here and slap gums,

or are we going to get into some serious wilderness?

Well how about we stay?

Eat me, Bob.

- No, baby, I don't do that shit. - I know.

Come on, let's get a move on so we

can have camp set before dark.

All this and brains, too.

WILBUR: How are you feeling, Andrew?

Finer than frog's hair, Wilbur.

Well, come on, Mr. Clean.

I don't know why you're always knocking my personal hygiene.

The odor emanating from your upper pubic hairs

could knock The Terminator off a shit wagon.

Maybe you should try some.

I mean, what's it going to do, make you dissolve or something?

- Think I should? - Yeah, sure.

Keep it. Don't worry, I've got plenty.

Listen, you were just kidding about my pubes, weren't you?

Yeah, sure.

Don't worry, anyway, that'll take care of it.

Oh, man, I been talking your ears off

and I haven't even offered you a huff.

How about it?

You want to hit a joint?

[BURP]

Just what I thought you'd said.

Here you go.

[RADIO STATIC]

TYRONE: [INAUDIBLE]

[DOG BARKING]

Shit on a toadstool.

Watch it.

Phew, no leaks.

Get off my land!

Get off my soil.

Uh, whoa.

Be cool, yo.

I just lost some shit here.

And I don't need no revenuers poking around in my business.

Now, get!

Look here, slim, I just need my barrel.

Now what we have here is a failure to communicate.

Bitch!

[GUNSHOT]

Do not open till Christmas.

[GUN COCKS]

Jed, Junior, Jethro, Billy Bob.

Elly May to you, coon shit.

Right.

What did you do to our still?

Still?

Uh, I didn't shoot your still.

Anyways, it was an accident.

You see, I was walking up the road and I dropped my gun,

and it went off three or four times.

You know we promised all the swill they could drink down

in the valley before you got into town,

and you shot up our still.

So now I think we're going to have to use your still

to deliver.

My still?

You want to use my still?

My still ain't no good.

You said so a thousand times yourself.

Ferd Mertz, your still ain't no good.

Tell you what, look what I got for you here.

Brand new still.

One of them European jobs.

Slick.

Look at that.

Sturdy, kick them rims.

Yeah, this still work good for you.

And look at that paint job.

Young, fast.

Does have a nice paint job.

And all this can be yours, seeing you need it so bad,

cuz I'm your friend, Ferd.

Let's buy it, daddy.

Well, OK, but if you ever mess around our still again,

Ferd Mertz, you're going to be picking buckshot

from where the sun don't shine.

You mean Antarctica?

JED: Get!

Well the sun don't shine in Antarctica.

All they got down there are them funny little penguins

and those big polar bears. Grr!

Ahh!

Scared myself.

Gee, daddy, why didn't we shoot that vermin?

Yeah, we should've filled him full of holes.

Yeah, we should've plugerized him.

Oh now, come on, boys.

I taught you all better than that.

Just because old Ferd's got polecat shit for brains

don't mean he'd be all bad.

Oh sure, I do get my dander up once in a while.

And maybe I do feel like blowing a hole in his ass.

But he did give us this nice barrel here.

And well, sometimes you just gotta do what's right.

Doesn't mean you have to like it.

Huh?

Shut up!

You're right, daddy.

Dang.

That thing's heavier than a cement yule.

Go get our new truck, Billy Bob.

How many times do I have to tell you, daddy?

Call me Elly May.

All right, dag nabit!

Go get the new truck, Elly May, before I tan your hide.

Gee, daddy, why does Billy Bob want us to call him Elly May?

Well, Junior...

I'm Jethro, Pa.

I'm Junior.

Well, Jethro, your brother's kinda funny and oh, never mind.

I never should've bought that dang satellite TV anyhow.

I like that satellite TV.

Me, too.

I like it.

I like Jeckyl and Jeckyl.

[ARGUING]

You bitch!

You boys hurry up with that thing.

We got work ahead of us if we're going to get that mash

delivered in town by tonight.

Oh, you've been a good old girl to us, Florey.

But I guess I gotta put you down.

I hate to do it, you know?

But it... it's like my daddy used to say to me before he

got run over by that tractor.

Sometimes life sucks.

Well you boys hurry up?

Now get a move on.

We ain't got all night.

- Jethro, come on. - Ow!

Oh!

Ow!

Oh, my foot.

Quit your whining, Junior.

I'm Jethro, Pa.

Oh, quit your whining anyhow.

Now get the dang thing opened up.

What do you suppose is inside, Pa, huh?

Well, my guess is that it's either

bleach, iodine, or fertilizer.

Ooh, I hope it's fertilizer.

I like fertilizer.

Me, too, Pa.

Ow!

What'd I do?

Oh, never mind.

Now just get the dang thing opened up, Billy Bob.

Elly May, daddy.

I asked you nice.

You sure weird, boy.

Must take after your Ma's side of the family.

Now get to work, Elly May.

[DOG BARKING]

Wait a minute.

OK.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

What is it, Daddy?

Yeah, Pa, what is it?

Well, uh, it looks like fertilizer.

Smells like iodine with a piss of bleach in it.

Hmm.

Maybe it's all of them, Daddy.

Well, whatever it is, it better taste

good because you splattered it all over the corn squeezings,

you otter ass.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

[BELL DINGS]

Daddy, Daddy, it's the tobacco man!

Give us some money, Daddy!

Hurry, Daddy, before he leaves.

Hold your pants on, boys.

He ain't going nowhere.

Here's your money.

And I want you to go ahead get some tobacco for my pipe.

Yeah!

[BELL DINGING]

Hi, Mr tobacco man. How are you...

Hi, Mr tobacco man!

Hi, Mr tobacco man!

I've been waiting for you, boys.

I've been waiting.

What'll it be today, boys?

[LAUGHING]

I got dip for the gum, snuff for the nose.

I got roll your own smokes and a new fangled machine

that rolls them for you.

I even got pellets that taste like licorice.

Don't have to spit them out.

Just let it dissolve.

Oh, they good.

They good for young ones just like you.

What'll it be, boys?

Dip, dip!

We want dip and flake for Daddy's pipe!

All right, boys.

Here's your dip.

And here's the flake for your daddy's pipe.

[CHUCKLING]

Thank you! We love our dip!

We love our dip.

Yeah, we do!

Run along now, boys.

I know you like my dip, but dark times are coming.

You'll like my dip for a long time.

You'll be loving it just for the rest of your lives.

Someday you'll want to stop, but you won't be able to.

Your gums'll start hurting, start bleeding.

They'll wear down and show the bottoms of your teeth.

Then your teeth will fall out.

You'll cry.

[CHUCKLES] But you won't stop.

You'll just keep on dipping, and packing,

and packing, and dipping.

Your mouth will start hurting, start burning.

It'll grow.

It'll get out of shape.

And you'll go to one of them big city doctors

and he'll cut half your face off.

Now it'll happen.

It'll kill you, sorry as shit.

[LAUGHING]

But in your death, it'll still be in your mouths.

[LAUGHING]

For your sake, I hope it happens fast.

It's dark times a coming.

No long wait.

Just around the corner.

You'll see.

You'll see.

Look, studies prove it.

No.

Listen, one ounce has more protein

than a five ounce t-bone.

Sure.

It's good for your skin.

It's a natural amphetamine and, uh, I

have it on good authority that it tastes exactly

like a pineapple daiquiri.

OK, I'll try it tonight.

But if I don't like it, it'll be the last time.

Yeah!

Come on, let's take a break.

I thought you were in a hurry to get to the campsite?

Come on, Wilbur. We're not marching for town.

Give us a fucking break.

Yeah, we don't want to get too tired.

Well, what do you say we take a little nap?

Ooh, what do you say we take a big nap, baby?

You know, I understand you have to exercise

your manly hydraulics.

But, uh, if you ever want to get to the campsite,

you better come on down the trail.

What's the matter with this place, since it's here?

Yeah, it's a lot closer than anywhere else.

WILBUR: This place is beaver shit, man!

Besides, the place I'm taking you to

is nicer than a debutante's ass shining in the moonlight.

Yeah, if it's still there.

I'm sure it's still there.

My dad used to camp there when he was knee high to a piss ant.

Besides, that's, uh, where my dad first nailed my mom.

Wilbur, who told you that?

My grandpa.

Ah, yes, sweet redneck memories.

Anyway, you're gonna love this place.

It's a dynamite camping spot, and it's got a pond to piss in.

Oh, sounds wonderful.

Yeah, when you see it you'll wonder why

you ever went anywhere else.

Huh, I'm beginning to wonder why I ever wanted to go here.

Oh, blow it out your ass.

[FARTS]

- Damn, [INAUDIBLE]. - Come on.

We better get going, you know, before the trees start dying.

Soldier, front and center, now!

You lost the barrel.

Have you lost your mind?

Uh...

Do you know what's in that barrel?

Uh, but...

Do you know where you lost it?

Uh, yes, sir.

Well, Robinson, why don't you go pick it up?

Well, sir, there's this fat redneck elephant with a gun.

I mean, this fat redneck with an elephant gun.

Run, son!

Unless you want your ass hanging in the stockade,

you better get your ass back out there and get me that barrel.

Uh, yes, sir.

Can I take [INAUDIBLE], sir?

Robinson, for what's in that barrel,

you can take the whole motherfucking army.

Robinson, where's your blouse?

In the jeep, sir.

You're a disgrace to the uniform, Robinson.

Dismissed!

Yes, sir.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Well I'll be damned.

You said it.

Here it is.

LISA: (SARCASTICALLY) Well this is really nice.

THERESA: Ground looks comfortable.

ANDY: There's nice shade.

WILBUR: Yeah, and a pond to piss in.

LISA: It looks like a clay based sinkhole.

Come on, let's set up.

Well, all done, boys.

Well, gotta go.

Where are you going?

I'm going fishing.

Got worms?

Yeah, but I'm going anyway.

Now wait a minute, boys.

As I seem to recollect, Elly May,

it's your turn to do the delivering.

But, Pa!

Shut up, hog bowl.

Yeah, opossum nut.

Yeah, turtle, uh...

But, Pa, that's going to take me

all night to deliver all this.

Quit your belly aching, Elly May, or else

I ain't going to save any mash for you.

I'm just going to save it for myself, and for your brothers,

and for Ma.

Maybe even some for Porky.

Shouldn't give any to Ma.

You know that stuff makes her crazy.

You quit your sassing, boy.

I pulled you out of your mother and I'll

shove you right back in.

Now you get in that truck and you skedaddle.

Yes, Pa.

And no drinking and driving!

Yes, Pa.

[LAUGHING]

Woo!

Shit the bed, this is great, Wilbur!

See? I told you.

But this water sure is cold.

Woo.

And it's deep, too.

Boy, I'd sure like to knock the bottom out of that.

Yeah, bottom, front, sides.

You never know, she might turn out to be a nympho.

One who gets turned on by big campfires.

Well I got a log she can start with.

Ah.

Where's a good place to take a shit?

Hi.

Yo.

Going far?

Barbershop.

Barbershop, eh?

You work in that place?

Yeah. Yeah, I work there.

I'm the shaver.

You give people shaves?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Look, look.

See?

Hey, that-that's pretty good.

That's good.

You know, I heard about them, uh, them new electric shavers.

No! No, no, they're no good.

They're no good. Safety reasons.

We're the best.

Get a real good close shave.

Hey, you need a shave?

My brother, he gives hair cuts.

He gives them real good.

We'll give you shave and a haircut, for free.

Uh, I don't need no shave or haircut, but I tell you,

if I need one, I'll come right to you.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

I got this razor.

Put that thing away, boy.

It's a good razor.

BILLY BOB: Hey what... What you doing?

Hey, cut that... hey.

Hey, don't do that in my truck!

Holy shit, man! Oh!

Oh, god!

You grubby god damn son of a bitch!

You'll never get a free shave out of me, you asshole!

That's the last hitch hiker I ever pick up.

It's party time. LISA: Woo.

THERESA: Hey.

LISA: Colombian?

ANDY: Jamaican?

Only the best.

New Jersey.

THERESA: New Jersey? BOB: What exit?

11 cases of swill gone to market, boys.

This still's sure better.

Now's our turn.

Give me the first drink, Pa.

Yeah, Pa, let's get loose.

I'm rolling you a Tennessee torpedo.

Man, that shit looks like cut grass.

Boys, I got a deep down feeling this batch is going to be awful

special.

To our new still!

[GAGGING]

It tastes like fire, Pa!

Hey, that's bigger than Lisa's dildo.

LISA: Yeah and five times the size of your dick.

ANDY: Come on, fire it up, man.

Yeah, let's get naked and smoke.

THERESA: Woo hoo!

I like knockers.

Yeah, I like knockers, too.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Somebody's knocking.

Yeah, I like knockers, too.

No, shit weed.

There's someone knocking at the door!

Oh.

Hey, Elly.

Hey, Smerd.

How you doing?

Got some shine for you.

Great!

You want to come in and watch some knockers?

Uh, oh no thanks.

I got a couple of my own.

But I'll see you later. OK.

Here, Berd.

Ah, thanks, Smerd.

[COUGHING]

I-I feel funny, Pa.

I feel a bit strange myself.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[COUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Oh, shit.

Did you treat this weed?

Only with respect, baby.

[GROUP LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

WILBUR: Yeah! Yeah!

Aliens!

Yeah!

[LAUGHING]

Aliens!

Aliens! [INAUDIBLE]

She says, three inches?

And I said, yeah, from the floor.

[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHING]

I think... I think it's... Thinking liquor sipping dogs,

bro.

[LAUGHTER]

[GASPING]

ANDY: And I just about took a shit myself,

when up walks Timothy Berry.

[LAUGHING]

[GROWLING]

[ECHOING LAUGHTER]

ANDY: Hey, Wilbur, couldn't you get something better than that?

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[HEARTBEAT]

[GROWLING]

[HEARTBEAT]

[ECHOING VOICES]

[LAUGHTER]

[GROWLING]

[ECHOING VOICES ON TV]

[KNOCKING]

Hi, Miss Ashley.

Lamb's sakes, Elly May, I expected

you to be here last night.

Well, uh, we're a little bit behind and, um,

and we got a new recipe.

And, uh, and it's green.

I guess that means I get a discount.

Oh, I don't know about no discount, cuz uh,

uh, cuz we built a new still.

Oh.

Well, all right this time.

But I'll tell you Elly May, if you're

going to be late like this next time,

I'm going to do my buying from Ferd Mertz.

Oh you don't want to buy it from him.

Besides, you'll really like this.

OK, here you are Elly May.

Thank you.

Bye, bye. Fester.

Fester, honey, look, your bath can wait.

Look what's here.

Look.

Look what we got.

Here.

Here you are, honey.

Look, look, look.

Here you are.

Drink up.

Down the hatch.

[CRYING]

Ahh!

[MUFFLED CRIES]

Sally!

[GROWLING] [GRUNTING]

Sally! Sally!

- [GROWLING] [SNORTING] - Sally!

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Sally!

[GROWLING] [SLURPING]

Oh, now what do we have here?

Uh... uh...

Now, now, what's a little fillie like you doing

in a place like this alone in the wilderness all

by yourself in the morning... He-

Alone?

He... he killed my friend.

Now, now, now, now, a little critter probably scared you.

[GROWLING]

Or maybe you were in shock. That's it.

Now the first aid book says about shock,

says the first thing we have to do is loosen up your clothes.

So here, let me... let me help you loosen up your clothes.

Now you just lay down here and let old Ferd protect you.

Ahh!

Jethro, old boy!

How you doing?

Looking, uh, might green around the gills.

[GROWLING]

Is this yours?

[GROWLING]

Here.

[WHISTLING] Ahh!

[SLURPING] [BELCH]

Phew.

Ooh, nelly, just what I could use, a drink.

Too bad it's this Clemsen jizz.

Oh, mama said not to swear.

Oh, sweet mama, take a bath.

Ooh. Ehh.

Well I'll be dipped in hog snot and perish the thought.

That's their secret ingredient.

Those nasty boys.

Well at least I don't have to put a bag over her head

this time.

Don't even think about that.

I really need myself a drink now.

Oh well, hope I don't go blind.

Land sakes!

They got their nerve lollygagging around all hours

of the morning.

They got a drunk on.

Boy they got that mash to town.

I'll brown them!

Sorry, Porky.

Didn't mean to scare you none.

You know you don't have to worry about your bacon

ending up in here.

Not you.

Let's mosey on down to the still and give them men folk

what for!

Hey, Andy, where's Sally and Theresa?

I don't know.

I've been up a half hour and I haven't seen them.

What?

What's going on?

Theresa and Sally are missing.

Missing?

WILBUR: Oh, they're not missing.

They just wandered off somewhere.

Well maybe somebody should go look for them.

I mean, they could have gotten lost.

They're not lost.

Don't know what they'd want to go

off by themselves for anyway.

Well maybe they're exploring.

Maybe they're a couple of damn dykes.

Oh.

Sure wish I were a Dutch boy.

[WHISTLING]

Hey look, Ben, there's Dad's moonshine.

Let's drink some.

We'll get in trouble.

It doesn't matter.

No one's home and he'll never know.

All right, so you could drink it first.

No, I'm not going to drink it first.

You drink it first. Are you chicken?

[PIG SQUEALING]

Jed?

Jethro!

Junior! Elly!

Where'd them boys go, Porky?

They've been gone since yesterday morn.

Looks to me like they finished a new batch.

And if'n I'm right, they built themselves a new still, too.

I'll be dipped.

This sure is some powerful shine.

And it's green.

Jed must've changed the recipe.

If this stuff works like it smells, Jed and the boys

must be wandering on a bender, they must.

Well, Porky, I think we just better take his jar

home before we sample it.

Come on, let's go.

I'm hungry.

And the first thing I'm going to do when we find these girls is

give Theresa a real good ass chewing for not fixing

breakfast the way she promised.

Oh this is a fine time to be thinking about breakfast.

They must be pretty far away not

to hear us yelling for them.

They must really be lost. You know what weird?

It's like everything looks like it's dying around here.

Well if they're playing opossum to try to scare us,

I... oh, Lisa, don't look. Don't look.

- What? - Don't look.

What?

What?

What is it?

What is it?

Oh, god, is that a person?

BOB: It's... it's...

Let me go!

BOB: Theresa!

What happened to her? LISA: Ahh!

She's dead, man.

She's fucking dead.

ANDY: What happened to her own head?

What was she fucking doing?

Ahh!

Look, man!

Maybe that... maybe that's not Theresa.

She's wearing fucking designer jeans.

ANDY: And that's my t-shirt.

Well what happened to her!

WILBUR: Maybe it was a bear.

What is that!

What kind of bear would do this, man?

ANDY: Holy shit.

She's nothing but a fucking stain.

Oh, god, where's Sally?

ANDY: Oh, Sally, that's right.

We've got to find her!

We've got to find Sally.

(CRYING) We've got to bury Theresa.

WILBUR: Theresa's gone now, but that... that

doesn't mean that Sally's dead.

You know?

If it was a bear, it might return to it's kill area.

But either way, I don't think we should split up.

If you want to stay, you stay alone.

So what's it going to be?

Fuck you, Wilbur, we're going to bury her.

[CRYING]

[WOMAN CRYING]

[KNOCKING]

JAKE: Come in.

[MUFFLED CRIES]

Hi, Elly.

Where you been?

What took you so long?

Sorry, but, uh, we were running a little late tonight.

And, uh, tell you what, we got some special stuff this time.

You stay right there.

I'll have to get some money and I'll be right back.

[WOMAN CRYING]

Here's your money.

Thanks, Jake.

Here you go.

Have a nice day.

[LAUGHING]

[MUFFLED CRIES]

WILBUR: Sally!

LISA: Sal!

Sally?

Sally!

Hey guys, check this out.

Is that a still? Huh.

Sure is, man.

They been making mash out here since time began.

Oh, man, this is too weird.

You guys do what you want to do.

I'm going over here and I'm going to freak out.

LISA: Bob, get your shit together.

Look, to hell with this thing.

We have to find Sally.

Oh, shit. Shit.

- What is it now? - Shit.

Shit. Shit.

Shit. Shit.

What? What is it?

Oh, shit.

It's Sally.

I'm drinking this shit.

Are you nuts?

That stuff could kill you.

WILBUR: Man, this bear is getting around, man.

We gotta get out of here.

LISA: Wilbur's right.

If there is a wild bear around here,

we've got to get a move on.

Let's beat feet.

I don't think it's a bear.

What?

I don't think it's a bear.

Look, geek...

Look, blow me, moron.

Listen, this barrel is still warm

and these tracks around here are still fresh.

If there was a bear around here, why didn't it

get the owner of this still?

Why aren't there any bear tracks?

You mean people did this?

Wilbur, you're the damn mountain man.

Why didn't you figure any of this out?

What are you doing, feeding us to your cousins or something?

You're setting us up.

That's what you're doing. You're setting us up.

Hey, fuck you, Bob.

I haven't been here in 10 years.

You're setting us up, man.

You killed Theresa and you killed Sally.

Get off!

LISA: Stop it!

Stop it! ANDY: Shut up!

Shut the fuck up!

Look what it says here.

It says, Caution, US military chemical warfare nuclear waste.

Use no hooks.

You mean these rednecks are drinking that shit?

No, I don't think anyone could be that stupid,

but I think the residue from this barrel

was enough to set things in motion.

Little dab will do here, if you know what I mean.

Better than you think.

WILBUR: (ECHOING) What are you talking about, Andy?

ANDY: (ECHOING) Oh, you guys are thick.

Look, there were chemicals in this barrel.

The chemicals got in to the moonshine.

You'd think that it would kill them,

but my guess is that it just turned

them into horrible maniacs.

Y-You mean that th-this moonshine...

That's right... monster mash.

Ooh.

[COUNTRY MUSIC]

Tyrone, I can't believe you lost that barrel.

I was supposed to go to the Pink Hippo tonight,

but now my day's ruined because of your stupidity.

Fuck you.

Hey, Ty, we going to get to shoot anybody?

There's a distinct possibility.

You mean there's going to be fighting?

Ty, how could you?

What if I break a nail?

Fuck you.

Well, what should we do now?

Well that's up to you.

We've got to get the hell out of here.

Fuck that, man.

I'm not following this son of a bitch anywhere.

Stop it, Bob.

I ain't taking no more of this shit.

Why don't you deal with your own fucking problems?

You're my problem, bastard!

Stop it.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

I don't believe you two.

What the hell is your problem?

We have to stick together, not try and pull each other apart.

I don't believe this!

We're in the middle of a crisis situation here

and I'm watching the battle of the macho jerks!

Well let me tell you something.

I don't care how macho or how strong you are,

it's not going to do one think to protect us from this.

Now Bob, I don't know what the hell your problem is, but you

better pull it together if you don't

want to end up as tomorrow's blue plate special.

And you.

You better come to the realization

that you have been away from home way

too long to know what the hell's going on around here.

Now I think we ought to just turn everything over to Andy,

since he seems to be the only one of you assholes

who's still thinking clearly.

I am right on the edge of clawing my eyes out and-and

and slitting my wrists.

Now Andy, tell me, what are we going to do?

[GROWLING]

- Oh, no! - Aah!

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS ECHOING]

[CRYING]

[GAGGING]

[WHIMPERING]

Any more fucking bright ideas?

BOB: Well, we got to do something.

Oh, god, I wish I was home.

(HIGH PITCHED VOICE) There's no place like home.

Toto, Toto!

And your little dog, too!

[CACKLES] [BARKS] [PANTING]

WILBUR: Chill out, Bob.

We sure as shit can't stay here, man.

Besides, there might be more of these things.

Look, there's a mineshaft over that clearing over there.

We could be safe there.

Underground?

Underground.

Come on, let's go.

Get your shit together.

Give me a hand here.

What are we taking him for?

Look, just grab a leg and I'll tell you later.

Come on. Come on.

Pull.

That's it.

This isn't so bad.

Come on, Toto.

Atta boy.

Come on.

Atta boy. Heel, heel!

Walkies.

WILBUR: Shit.

Shit!

(WHIMPERING) I got it!

I got it!

Ow!

WILBUR: What was that?

It's a hurricane lamp.

WILBUR: Well, go ahead and light it.

Ew, this thing's filthy.

Ah, shiny.

Well, we've got light.

Very good, Bob.

OK, now what?

Bob, do an autopsy on this thing.

What?

No way!

WILBUR: Hey come on, man. You're pre med.

I'm pre vet!

What's the difference?

I do autopsies on cats, man!

Well think of it as a big cat.

All right.

All right.

Out with it.

I'll tell you.

Remember that little bitty bitty piece of acid I was saving?

Yeah.

What about it?

Well, I woke up and I said to myself, Bob.

Bob, I said to myself, Bob... that's-that's me.

Bob, oh, what a beautiful morning.

And you may not have noticed this, but I took it.

Christ!

I was only going to trip a little bit.

Not a lot, just a little.

I was going to trip over all the bears, and the trees,

and the flowers, and the insects, and the sky,

and the universe all wrapped up into one little...

Are you out of your mind?

This is no time to trip!

I didn't know this shit would happen.

I mean, who could?

Hm?

[LAUGHING] Who's laughing?

Stop laughing at me.

Bob!

I did it this morning.

I thought it'd be over by now.

I thought I was at my highest an hour ago.

(ECHOING) But I'm still tripping.

(ECHOING) You know what man?

(ECHOING) Talk about bad timing.

(ECHOING) Acid.

How can you take that kind of crap?

Damn fool.

(ECHOING) This is just great.

You know, we're not going to know where to be.

We ought to just leave you here!

(ECHOING) You want to be drugged out

and talking about me, you jerk?

What the hell is going on in your mind, man?

(ECHOING) But you are going to do this autopsy,

Bob, because we're in an emergency situation, here.

You can't just close your eyes for this.

BOB: (ECHOING) You want to bet?

[VOICES ECHOING]

WILBUR: Wake up!

(ECHOING) Now slice him open.

But I don't have any instruments.

WILBUR: (ECHOING) Here.

WILBUR: Stop fucking around.

LISA: (ECHOING) Hurry!

Oh, man.

Uh, god, this zombie skin is the toughest.

Ew.

Ew, what is in here?

Oh, god.

Oh, my god, what... Oh, this... ew.

Yuck.

Ew, yuck.

Ew, yucky, yucky.

Yuck. What?

(ECHOING) What's this?

I-I don't believe it.

I don't believe... what in the wor... will you look at this?

I mean, OK, all right.

So what?

It's light, it's less filling, but hey, it

could have been recycled.

I don't believe it.

What else is in here?

Ah.

Where did this come from?

Where do you suppo... yeah.

Some poor Appalachian man, I think,

is going around, wandering around

the mountains without a shoe.

Can you believe that he's going around without a shoe?

What?

Now what's this?

What's this?

Help.

Ew.

Huh.

Now how do you suppose this got in the colon?

I don't... I can't imagine.

Well, you know, I do think it might... nah.

But... ah, hey, hey, now this, I like this.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, ho, ho.

Oh now this, this I'm going to keep for myself.

I like that.

What else do we have in here?

Yeah, I think I'm going to climb in here.

Well, no, no, I won't climb in just yet,

but well... look, it's... Believe me, it's big in here.

I mean, it's as big as an amusement park in here.

I love it. I love it.

Hey, look!

There's the roller coaster.

That's a roller coaster.

Hey, hey, hey, and there's the Ferris wheel.

I love it in here.

You guys should look in here.

This is amazing.

I'm telling you, it's amazing.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, here we have two zombie hands, which we

will call numbers one and two.

And we have two types of deodorant, which we will

designate types A and B. Now what I'm

going to do is spray zombie hand one with deodorant A.

As you can see, the skin becomes wet and sticky.

Now I'm going to spray zombie hand two with deodorant B.

Ah, my, my, my.

Look at that, huh?

You might notice that the tissue becomes dehydrated and decayed,

and, uh, and yucky.

Therefore, it's safe to conclude that the only effective

deodorant against zombies is one which contains

aluminum chlorohydrate.

It's dries them fast and keeps them dry.

Why only aluminum chlorohydrate?

How the hell am I suppose the know?

I'm pre vet, not a chemist.

This is essential.

We've got Andy's pack.

Arm yourselves.

[GROWLING]

What the hell was that?

I don't know, but it's coming this way.

[GROWLING]

Ma?

You're going to kill me, but [COUGHING].

Ma, what happened to Porky?

Shit.

I'm not going to change this tire.

Fuck you.

Man, I just changed these motherfuckers.

We ran over some bullshit.

What?

Fuck you.

Give me a hand, Sherman.

Here, hold this, asshole.

Looks like a ball jar and a safety razor.

Whoa, Ty, check it out.

It's a native.

Oh, hello!

TYRONE: Hey, you.

Get over here!

Oh, man.

That boy don't look right, Ty.

Halt. Stop.

Freeze!

Fini, motherfucker.

That's french.

[GROWLING]

Oh, he's sick.

Let's take him with us.

Fuck you.

Shoot him, Sherman.

Which one?

Him first.

Ah, I think I'll just kick his ass.

I haven't tasted redneck in a long time.

Suppose he got rabies?

Well, I ain't going to let the dick bite me.

Be nice, Sherman.

SHERMAN: Fuck you.

All right, asshole. Oh, Jesus!

Hess.

He probably said something nasty.

Boss?

[GROWLING]

Oh, Ty, this could be fun.

Did you see the movie "Deliverance"?

Oh, hello!

Hi.

Water sports, anyone?

Oh, my!

No!

Stop!

Oh, no, stop!

[RIPPING]

[GROWLING]

Fuck you, still!

Man, we have got to make a plan.

Yeah, how we're getting the fuck out of here.

Look!

TYRONE: Hey, you kids, run!

Who the hell is that?

Get out of here!

Oh, shoot!

Where'd he go?

I don't know, but I think... I think we're on our own.

No.

Hey, look, there's no hard feelings,

but we got to get out of here.

[GROWLING]

Oops, too late for you.

[GUNSHOT]

Oh, ahh!

[GROWLING]

Right here.

Look over... right there.

[GROWLING]

I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.

Are you crazy?

You can go kick them by yourself.

This is it!

[SCREAMING]

Come on, I'll kick your fucking ass, motherfucker.

[WHIMPERING]

[WHIMPERING]

Die, you bastards! Ahh!

[WILBUR SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[CRYING]

- [WHIMPERING] - No!

[SCREAMING]

[RIPPING]

Ahh!

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[MOTOR RUNNING]

Help!

[LISA SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[CRYING]

- [GROWLING] - Ahh!

No! No!

Come on, Missy.

Dark times is here.

We best be going, yes we do.

We best leave now.

Don't you worry none.

The tobacco man won't hurt you.

[VOICES ECHOING]

[BABY CRYING]