Original subtitles

Hey, hey, wait, what y'all... Listen.

Don't-don't worry about those dishes.

I'll wash 'em when y'all leave.

Like, right now.

Will you stop it, silly.

Who goes to bed at 5:30?

- Him. - Him.

He just wants the night to end early

because he's having fun

and that is outside of your comfort zone.

You got me.

Well...

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪

♪ Seems we just get started, and before you know it ♪

♪ Comes the time we have to say ♪

♪ So long ♪

♪ So long. ♪

Good night, everybody.

That was fun.

Come on, man, let's stay and play a board game.

Junior's just trying to avoid going home

because we've taken a vow of celibacy.

We?

Wow.

I think that that is wonderful.

A life without sex removes complications.

It's not a life without sex.

Just been a couple of weeks.

Feels like a lifetime, though.

It's only been two weeks,

but every time he complains about it, I add another week.

Yeah. We're up to five weeks now.

If she even high-fived me right now, I'd need a cigarette.

Six weeks.

Damn it!

Junior, you shouldn't think of this

as some sort of punishment.

- I do. - I'm doing this because

it's great for couples to explore

a deeper connection outside of sex.

Please don't say "deeper" or "connection."

For instance, would you still love me if I lost my legs?

Yes. I would tell my new wife,

isn't Nina great?

She was the love of my life.

I'll get the game.

You know,

periods of celibacy

can be relationship-building.

Yeah, my ex-wife and I practiced celibacy.

We just called it marriage.

I found it.

Oh, wonderful.

Okay, I'm gonna take the cowboy boot 'cause

I have a club foot.

I will take the treasure chest.

Ah, is that where you're hiding my booty?

- Eight weeks. - I meant like pirate booty.

Like, what...

And you take the bus

because it's time for you to leave.

Go ahead, get in there and zoom.

And I'll take the dog

because I never had one growing up

since my dad refused to get me one,

so I grew up without the unconditional love a pet brings,

and I carry the scars of that with me to this day!

What?

♪ Poppa's ♪

♪ House ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

Where's all this hostility

- coming from? - It's something

he brought up during our celibacy...

"Our" celibacy?

...as we've been exploring our past and our feelings.

You see, this is why I don't like staying up so late.

- It's 5:34. - Yeah.

And at 5:33, all the feeling starts to bubble up.

And to clarify,

the reason I didn't let you have a dog as a child

is because you're highly allergic to them.

No, Father.

I'm not allergic. You're allergic to spending your money.

That's not true. I paid for your private school.

I paid for film school.

- I paid for your braces. - Yeah,

those are all the things I needed.

Okay? You didn't pay for all the stuff that I wanted as a kid.

I used to draw dogs and slip them under your door

and you would draw them dead and slip 'em back.

- It was funny. - No, Dad, no.

No, to me, you were being mean and cheap

and a big, fat liar about me being allergic.

Well, I guess I won by default. House rules.

Good night, everybody.

♪ So long. ♪

I will go check on him.

Can you believe that ungrateful son of a gun?

Well, Poppa,

Junior is triggered by the celibacy.

He's feeling a lack of connection

and his emotions from deep down inside

from his past are bubbling up.

Over a friggin' dog?

I used to get chased home

by a German shepherd from the liquor store every day.

Do you know how hard that was for me--

running with a club foot and a orthopedic shoe

with sparks flying?

Well, this is why I'm a cat person.

Yes.

We know. Everybody knows.

Your license plate says,

"Purrfect."

It's so cute! Anyway,

listen, Poppa, why don't you-- I don't know--

make some sort of grand gesture?

And just reassure Junior of your love for him.

That's a great idea.

Mom, can we go outside?

No. Mommy has to work,

and I don't have time to watch you outside.

Dad, can you watch us outside?

No, I'm editing this infomercial for a pretty cool

new pr... We're already bored.

Please don't add to it.

Hey, Dad. Why you knocking?

Because that's what normal people do

when they show up to other people's houses unannounced.

You should try it sometime.

I've come bearing gifts.

- What is it?! What is it?! - What is it?! What is it?!

Well...

I thought about it. You were right.

I was wrong to deny you a puppy when you was a child.

I'm sure you've outgrown your allergies by now, huh?

You mean the ones that didn't exist?

Yeah, those, those.

Can we open it?

Absolutely.

Oh, my God!

I love him!

Dad, can we keep him?

Yes!

Wait, hold on. Who's gonna clean up after him?

Oh, don't look at me. I already did my job. I bought him.

I'm sure Junior

will do everything he needs to do to make the baby happy.

Yes, I am. I'm gonna hug him

and pet you and pet you.

Welcome to the family, little guy.

Uh...

breaking news, Poppitos.

Poppa is smiling.

The question is,

what are you smiling about?

Oh, I can't tell you. You'll say I'm mean.

But I bought Junior a puppy.

But that's wonderful.

That's the kind of grand gesture

- I was talking about. - Mm, yes.

Yes, and you were right.

You see, the kids love it, which is perfect. Why?

Because, Batman,

it will be harder for them to get rid of it.

Okay, well, riddle me this, Poppa.

Why would they ever get rid of it?

I thought you'd never ask.

Because I had Junior tested for allergies

when he was a child, and he came

back 99.99%

allergic to pet dander.

Okay, but he may have outgrown that.

I thought the same thing,

until he-- achoo--

sneezed in the puppy's face.

So, this is you teaching him a lesson?

No, more diabolical than that.

The puppy is teaching him the lesson.

You see, my dad

used to say there are some people

you push 'em out of the way of a speeding bus,

and they'll say, "Thank you. You saved my life."

And then, there's others that'll say,

"Hey, man, you pushed me."

Junior is the "hey, man, you pushed me" guy

when he needs to be

the "thank you, you saved my life" guy.

I can only imagine what he's going through

this very second.

Aw, man.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

I think I'm just allergic to celibacy.

No, you're not.

Your dad was right. You're allergic

to the dog.

No, I'm not, all right?

That's a lie from Dad.

He also said I was allergic to Nintendo,

to candy, his money,

hugs.

Basically anything I wanted.

Okay, well, I'm gonna start carrying around your EpiPen.

Unnecessary.

Babe, we can't have this dog in the house

if he's making you sick.

We should rip the Band-Aid off now

before the kids get too attached.

No, Mom, we can't get rid of Popcorn.

Aw, you named him Popcorn?

That was the name of my dog when I was a little girl.

We know. We're manipulating you.

- Oh. - All right,

look, we're not getting rid of Popcorn, okay?

My dad is trying to teach me the old "speeding bus" lesson,

and I refuse to be the "thank you" guy.

Huh? Huh?

What I'm trying to say is,

we're keeping Popcorn and my dad's not gonna win.

- Do you promise? - Promise?

Yes.

Pinkie swear?

Pink... Sor...

Pinkie swear.

Cross my heart, hope to die.

Well, I'm glad you hope to die

because you know what's gonna kill you? That dog.

Wait, where's Popcorn?

- Popcorn! - Popcorn!

Where...?Where... where did he go?

Babe, you left the door open.

What? No...

Popcorn. Move.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

At least you knocked, unlike your owner.

Are you hungry? You want to come in?

Come in. Yeah.

Get up on the chair.

Yeah, you're gonna love this.

This here is delicious potted meat.

There's pig guts...

Hey, Pop. Oh, hey, son.

What in the... "hey, you guys"

is happening

to your face?

I was stung by a bee.

Did that bee happen to look like a pup-bee?

No, Dad, for the last time, I'm not allergic to the dog...

Pollen. That was pollen.

Yeah? Maybe it's...

puppy.

Oh, thank God. I thought we lost him.

- Oh. - You?

Mr. Responsible Pet Owner?

You are so petty, Dad.

Don't forget mean

and cheap. And so maybe

there's something you want to say to your dear old dad?

Okay. Yes, I might be...

...a little...

...allergic.

I'm shocked, because that would mean I'm...

...right.

Yes, you're right.

What the hell's

- wrong with you? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Go get that fixed.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, Dad, you know, I...

The kids love the dog, and...

I just don't want to break their hearts.

Oh, there he is.

Oh, Popcorn.

- Oh, look. - Yeah, he seems to love Poppa.

Aw.

Oh, God, Junior.

What in the Will Smith from Hitch

happened to your face?

Okay, I got the EpiPen. Come on.

Oh, no.

Yeah,

okay, now step away from the dog, let's go home.

Nope, you're not leaving him here with me.

Do you want your son to die?

To teach him a really good lesson?

Okay, fine, he can stay with me for the weekend

until you guys figure out how to tell the children

and find him a new home.

Thanks, Dad. I'm sorry about all this.

I mean, what is it

with you guys and lying?

Y'all lie about everything.

You want to know why guys lie?

It's because women can't handle guys' truth.

- That's ridiculous. - Is it?

Y'all get all hysterical

if you don't hear what you want to hear.

It forces men to lie when you say stuff like,

"Babe, do I look fat in this dress?"

Well, if "fat" came to mind when you put the dress on,

that's your answer.

- You're a... Dog. - Hmm?

- I'm a dog? - No.

I smell dog.

A dog was sitting in this chair.

What are you talking about? I don't have a dog.

Liar.

I got to get out of here.

Why? You're allergic?

No. It's just, you don't know my cats.

They're like a gang. I call them the Paw-fia.

If they even smell that dog on me,

I'll be swimming with the fishes.

You have put my life in danger.

Well, I guess it's just me and you.

Want to do a podcast?

Yeah.

All right, jump down there and go get it.

♪ People, let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm-hearted person ♪

♪ Who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People, let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one-boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up, my down, my pride and joy ♪

♪ People, let me tell you 'bout him, he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man-to-man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talkin' son-to-son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah, he's my best friend ♪

♪ La-la, pa-da-da-da-yah ♪

♪ Pa-da-da-da-yah. ♪

We'll never talk to you again if you give Popcorn away.

I'm sorry,

but we found Popcorn a home with a loving family

where no one is allergic.

Hmm. I need to consult with Maya.

Buckingham?

Okay, so, a dog is like family, right?

- Right. - So,

if daddy was allergic to me or Trey, would you give us away?

No. I would leave your father for you.

So let's do that.

Yay.

We're keeping Popcorn.

No more Dad. No more Dad.

- No more Dad. - All right, all right, all right, all right.

Enough, okay? I am sorry,

but the dog keeps biting holes in the couch,

he's pooping everywhere.

And you're allergic. Highly.

It's sad, but he has to go.

We don't love you anymore.

Neither do I.

I said "we," dummy.

- They don't mean that. - Yes, they do.

Yes, they do.

But it's not your fault.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Guess I'll just, um, go tell my dad I learned his lesson.

You know, there's nothing like the experience

- of raising your first dog. - That part.

The simple joy of walking side-by-side

with your buddy out in the fresh air... Yes. Yes.

You know, Marley & Me is just one of those movies

that kind of gets you right here.

I don't want to spoil it, but the dog dies at the end.

Look.

We need to talk, Popcorn.

This weekend has been fun,

but this thing between you and me, it ain't gonna work.

No, it's not you. It's me.

I'm selfish. I like my music loud,

I like my sleep quiet,

and I don't really like sharing my potted meat.

I'm gonna tell you a story I've never told anybody before.

When I was a kid, I had a dog that kind of looked like you.

I loved him.

His name was Rollo...

...after the guy from Sanford and Son.

That's probably before your time.

But anyway,

he used to like to chase fire engines.

And one day he was chasing after a fire engine

that was going backwards, and, uh,

right there in front of my eyes, splat.

Yeah.

That big dummy joined Elizabeth

in the great, blue sky.

If you'd have seen the show, you'd laugh.

Anyway, Popcorn, that wrecked me,

and it's for that reason that I got to let you go.

Come on, don't be...

Hey.

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

Did you hear any of that?

Of course I did, you old fish-eyed fool.

I didn't know you had a dog.

- Yeah. - I didn't know any of that.

Well, it probably wouldn't have helped if you did know.

Yeah, it might have.

I would have at least understood where you were coming from.

Yeah, well, I'm old-school.

I don't like sharing my pain.

You didn't seem to mind sharing it with Popcorn.

Popcorn's different.

He's a great listener.

Huh?

No, I'm kidding.

Anyway, uh, talked to the kids.

They're not happy, but we found a family for the dog.

Seem like really great people, too.

I am happy to hear that.

Yeah. I'll, uh, come by tomorrow and pick the dog up.

- Great. - Oh.

And, um, Dad,

I am sorry about calling you a liar.

I appreciate that.

'Cause I was about

to give you five of these across your lip.

Gonna knock the snuff out.

- Hey, Daddy. - Hey.

Wait. What are you guys doing here so early?

Uh, we just, uh, took our morning walk.

- Where'd you walk to? - Manhattan.

It's just been so amazing,

the things we've been able to do together

outside of the "S" word.

Yeah, it's been great.

Anyway, uh, the new family's ready for Popcorn,

so we're gonna walk him - over there now. - Well,

I actually have some good news for you guys.

I found a loving home for Popcorn,

and it's really close by

so the grandkids can come see him any time they want.

Oh, wow. Where?

I'll show you. Follow me.

Oh, no. No.

- Wow. - You? The Grinch?

Oh, come on. Don't make a big deal out of it.

I mean, I'm not getting soft.

It's just, this family in Connecticut, I don't know them.

They could live next door to a fire truck.

You love him.

Oh, stop. I barely love you.

He loves me.

Well, I guess it's time to go home and not have sex.

Ten weeks.

You know what? I don't care anymore, all right?

Make it 11.

- 12. - Make it a hundred.

Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

Secky-secky-sex.

Don't you sex me.

- I don't want this. - I don't want this either.

- I don't like this. - I don't like this either.

♪ Who? Who? Who? ♪ ♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪

♪ Who? Who? Who? Who? ♪

♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪

Well, well, look who the cats dragged in.

Literally.

I told you this was going to happen.

As soon as the cats smelled your dog on me,

they cornered me.

Hmm.

It's either me or that dog.

♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪

♪ Who? Who? Who? Who? ♪

♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪ Who? Who? Who? Who? ♪

♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪♪ Who? Who? Who? Who? ♪

- Marker. - Over a freaking dog?

I used to get chased by a German shepherd

that worked at the liquor store.

It didn't work at the liquor store.

Marker.

Hello.

How are you?

Yeah.

And the people that try to talk to dogs--

don't that just piss you off?

Yeah.

Like they speak your language. They don't know.

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