Original subtitles

I got it right now. Things we have to do for this job.

What, you're enjoying this? I didn't say anything.

Good, don't. Okay, here we go. Get up.

Mr. Smith, my apologies for cutting short your vacation.

Three glorious days of trout fishing on the mighty Mississippi.

What trout in the Mississippi?

You know I'm not allowed to reveal what I wear about. The rules, remember? Fine.

Like I really care anyway.

But an assignment has come up that requires your unique talents.

I think you'll find it intriguing.

Exotic, even.

Oh, it may not be Rome or Paris, but believe me, St.

Louis certainly has its own charm.

This is it.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith, welcome to your new home.

Our planet.

Critical Securities makes the world's most sophisticated

computerized alarm and locking systems.

And although they're based here in St. Louis,

their client list is a virtual who's who of U.S. defense, aerospace,

and biotech industries. It's been my experience that

locks only serve to keep the honest people out.

And that is Critical's problem.

Their security systems are being systematically breached.

So what are our bad guys after? Information, Mrs. Smith.

The Lingua Franca of the late 20th century.

Case in point.

Plans for a Falcon missile were stolen from Los Alamos, one of Critical's clients.

Three months later, in the Coral Sea, the SS Godfrey was hit.

So this information broker made a cipher to break Critical's alarm codes.

Plausible, Mr. Smith, but in this case, impossible.

There are 56 digits involved in their system.

So if it's not on the outside...

It's got to be somebody on the inside stealing their codes.

Your job is to find out who Parker is setting the codes to,

so we can shut down the operation.

Any questions?

Yeah, why do they need us?

Why don't they just hire a private eye to follow the guy?

Critical did hire a detective. 22 to the base of the skull.

No witnesses. We're obviously dealing with some people who don't mess around.

Which is why Critical hired the factory.

They decided they need someone who was more

at home in a world of corporate espionage.

So find out to whom your neighbor is selling the codes.

But I urge you to maintain your cover unerringly.

Could get dicey.

Watch your backyard out there.

Well, I want to thank you folks for choosing Tiernan Realty. You know,

you've got a great situation here.

Oh, you're a lovely couple. Enjoy. Oh, and thanks for the lemonade.

Just want everyone to know I love my man.

I'm Mr. Smith, but that's not my real name.

Whoever you are.

I'm Mrs. Smith, but that's not my real name either. You see, we're spies.

But the excuse of this name thing, couldn't it get a little confusing?

People might think we're married.

That's okay.

What do you wanna do?

Besides the dead PI, two of Frank's fellow computer

nerds at the office checked out early.

Seemed a vehicle car wreck and an aneurysm.

Yeah, beats choking a deaf on bad wallpaper. What are you doing?

Just trying to make a place in my home.

What do you call this, early Bonnie and Clyde?

Better safe than sorry.

Not so much as a library fine on our Mr. Parker.

Eagle Scout, chess club.

He and the missus won second Kiwanis Flamenco Championships.

Second place, huh? That'll throw you right over the edge into a life of crime.

Critical's put a trace on his modem and phone at work. Zip.

He's got to be making a hard drop somewhere.

Not the cookie jar. Anywhere but the cookie jar. That is a sacred suburban icon.

You know what? It's Saturday.

Don't you have to go out and rake the leaves or wash the car or something?

Bathroom?

It's the most dangerous room in the house, statistically speaking.

Something tells me that arming the tidy bowl man isn't going to help.

Listen, I've seen agents who get complacent and end up with their throats slashed,

their tongues severed, and their eyes taken as souvenirs.

Really?

Really.

Where?

Movies.

TV.

I knew that. Why don't we just leave this here? What would the neighbors think? Hi.

I'm the neighborhood welcome wagon. Fran McCary from across the street.

Two doors down, that yellow job that's fallen apart.

But what isn't since the divorce?

Lost that bum and ten pounds in the same week. No regrets here.

I'm Mark Smith. This is my wife, Jen.

My mile-high lemon meringue. I hope you're into sweets.

Well, actually, you know, maybe we could use this for dessert tomorrow. You know,

honey, at our get-to-know-you barbecue,

we're having a couple of the neighbors over. I hope you can come.

Not really, no.

Miss a party? I don't think so. You know what? Thank you so much, friend.

Thank you very much. Bye.

What barbecue?

I'm Annie Grill. You sneak over to the Parker's and plant the bugs.

Brilliant. You just think about the big barbecue brews?

Oldest trick in suburban espionage. Can't believe you've never heard of it.

Just leave me alone, all right?

What's that? Mrs. Smith?

Yeah.

Bathroom's yours.

I hope that bathroom's a disguise.

Nice pajamas.

A gift.

Glad you like them. Nighty-night. Hope the guest room's comfy.

Frank Parker sure keeps a short leash on his

wife. You're like a choke chain, I guess.

And I thought all you could do was kill and maim with that knife,

but you're quite the little lady in the kitchen.

That's my cover, isn't it, little lady in the kitchen?

Oh, you like my tomatoes monogats?

Look, I'm just saying this is a backyard barbecue,

not Thanksgiving at Martha Stewart's.

Fine.

Next time, you keep the little lady in the kitchen, okay?

What's he saying?

More tomatoes? This is such a clever thing you do with tomatoes.

They're just delicious, Jim. Thanks.

You like to cook, don't you? Yes.

Oh, we'll have to exchange recipes soon tonight. I'm glad someone appreciates me.

Much cervezas. Oh, yeah. Huh, Cal? There you go.

Frank? You know, it's funny, Smith. The fellow who lived here,

he never even mentioned he was moving.

Must have gotten a big job or lost one.

It was just our luck, wasn't it, honey?

Mark came up for transfer the same time this house came up on the market.

We snapped it right up. Snapped it up.

Hey, Dad, do you want to play?

Timmy? Timmy? No! I think your mother needs me to stay here and keep her company.

I'm all right, really. I am. You go on.

He can play without me.

Go on and play. The grown-ups are talking.

Hey, Timmy.

What about me?

I throw a pretty fair dart.

Sure, if you wanna.

Well, let's do it.

That was really nice of him. Yeah, it was.

See, he caught Fran's eye. Excuse me for a minute.

Good with his hands.

Think I could borrow him some time to look at my plumbing?

Something's dripping under my sink.

Cock it.

Hey guys.

Mind if I give that a try? Sure. Thanks.

Overhanded.

You think you can show us how to do that, Mrs. Smith?

That's not exactly in the instruction manual. Here, look.

You just hold it close to the tip. Here.

Don't you think we should get those burgers on?

Yeah, so far. Well, plenty more fun to come. Yeah,

we're all gonna get to know each other real well.

Can't you just ignore it?

You don't have to go, do you?

Please.

It can wait till tomorrow.

Honey, the burgers. Oh, yes. We gotta eat before the bugs come out.

My hubby Bubby's such a slave driver. Let me help

you. No, no, no, no. He's such a pyromaniac.

The grill, please keep an eye on him.

Yeah, I got the burgers.

Thank you very much.

Parker's new neighbor.

Go to background check on him.

You got it.

Even if we find him, there's no guarantee that he'll lead anywhere.

Fine, then you don't have to come along.

Tell him this place is crawling with bugs. Phone, lamp, barometer.

You sure they didn't see you try and plan yours?

Oh, I covered up pretty good with the irate phone customer,

but my back was to the camera.

Psst.

Ta-da.

Brilliant, but it's the cable TV wire.

Fiber optics.

Okay, so the camera in the Parker's den comes from an outside feed,

but that probably leads to a satellite transmitter to nowhere. Possibly. Probably,

definitely. I mean, who's going to expose themselves to a point-to-point hard wire?

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

Letting them come to us.

Somebody just lost their favorite channel.

They'll be by to fix it.

Yeah, and somebody will know somebody cut it.

Pesky squirrels. Here, chew.

Hey, Timmy, hit me. Nice spiral, guy.

You in a carpool, Smith? Hey, new guy gets a middle, no problem.

Cock-a-doodle-doo, Lark.

That was some hamburger you flipped yesterday.

Aren't you forgetting something, honey?

Uh... Oh, yes, I am.

Whoa.

Have a nice day, sweetheart.

Bye, dear.

Bye.

Bye, Mrs. Smith. We've only been married two years.

Me in St.

Louis, Louis, meet me at the fair. Don't tell me

the lights are shining, any place but there.

We will dance the hoochie-coochie, I will be your loosey-woopsie.

Hi.

What do you do, Smith?

Sales.

Outside or inside? Outside.

What? What do you sell?

What?

Office copiers.

Interesting work.

You know copiers?

We got a 5100 at the office that just jams to high heaven.

Check the servo belt from the intake feeder. Trouble spot on the 51s.

Little graphite on the gears usually puts it back in line.

Your stop too, Frank?

Great, maybe we can have lunch together sometime. Yeah, sure, Smith.

In here, cooking dinner. It's about time you got home.

What are you doing?

Cooking dinner.

Not necessary.

I picked something up.

Totally necessary. You didn't get anything edible.

And you call that?

Beef liver?

I know what it's called. You call that edible?

You don't like liver?

Well, maybe if it wasn't as big as the whole cow.

I like to eat big food when I'm working.

So how was your day?

Well, I set up my post across from Parker's office,

then fed the data from my watch scan of Parker's beeper into my computer.

See if we could get a name and address for whoever

paced him yesterday at the barbecue.

The last ten phone calls?

They were from a number that wasn't listed.

He's getting phone calls and pages from numbers that don't exist.

No such number, huh?

Somebody's sure covering their tracks.

He got another page at work. Took off.

I followed him.

He caught a cab outside his office, so did I. Taxi! And I was right behind him.

I followed him across town, figured it might be a hard drop,

even a meeting with the information broker himself. But where did he go?

To a nursing home.

Nursing home?

Yep.

A place called Shady Maple Rest Home.

Kind of an odd spot for a drop, wouldn't you say?

Figured out a way to get in, check it out. He went to visit this old man.

Went through the old guy's mail, took an envelope.

I know what you're thinking, but don't jump to any conclusions.

I talked to the nurse.

Can I wheel him anywhere for you, nurse? For you. Found the new way. Oh.

So we had a visitor today, didn't we? Aren't we the lucky one?

This one?

That son of his was a saint. He comes all the time. That was the son? Mm-hmm.

Not that this old geezer can tell what planet he's on,

but it is kind of touching that Mr. Parker takes the time.

Most of their ingrate offspring are just looking to stay in the well.

I'll take it from here. Okay.

Envelope could have been bills, Medicare forms.

She told me he visits his poor and firm father all the time. Now,

how bad of a guy could that be?

Hmm.

How bad? Hmm.

Try a guy who doesn't mind turning over access to a satellite laser

that could incinerate an entire city if it got in the wrong hands.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Incinerating a city? What are you talking about?

Hey, I wasn't just eating bonbons and watching soap operas all day.

I went surfing on Critical Systems' client list.

I wanted to see if anything jumped out at me.

Well, something did.

And in a real big way.

One of their clients, Ferber Technologies, manufacturers of space-based lasers,

really heavy-duty stuff, right?

Ferber Technologies?

Right across the river. What a coincidence.

Yeah, and you want another coincidence?

One of Ferber's satellites goes up for arm testing the day after tomorrow.

Highly classified maiden voyage.

Whoa, you think Parker is going to pass Ferber's

codes and give somebody access to the satellites?

And I'll bet it's the same somebody who bugged Parker's house

and the same somebody who called the cable guy out today.

The cable guy showed up?

Yep, and I followed him to a taco stand.

The guy's not meeting anybody.

He's not looking over his shoulder. He's not even locking the door of his van.

It's wide open. So I just go up and go in.

I thought I'd take a look at this work order, see who sent him.

Hey!

What are you doing in my truck?

Waiting for you, that's what.

Mister, you just trampled my neighbor's hydrangeas on Overhill Road. No, I didn't.

Don't lie to me. I saw you playing his day.

Who are you, anyway?

Who am I? What do you mean? Where is the name on her work order?

My neighbor didn't request your service.

You know, I ought to call the police and get this whole thing straightened out.

Police? No, lady, look. This pest says I go, I go.

So I went.

See that it doesn't happen again, okay? Okay.

Her background check is clean.

Jennifer Smith, married two years, housewife.

Still, that's one nosy neighbor. You want me to take her out?

Let's find out who she is first.

I had the feeling somebody was watching me, seeing if I took the bait.

You know, we flushed out our information broker.

And he flushed us out.

Better sleep late, then.

Hey, you won't have a problem.

Chinese food. You'll be hungry in about an hour.

I was at the silent alarm.

What are you doing?

Me? You're the one who tripped the window alarm in the living room.

I never even went into the living room.

The goggles don't work for me in the suburbs.

Our cover, remember? I told you you'd be hungry later.

Aren't you sorry the cookie jar's not full now?

Somebody in there.

We're going to call the police.

Easy on him, dear. He might have a family.

You're in trouble, buddy. I'm a real bear when I don't get my eight hours sleep.

Who are you? Who are you?

Block, Captain. Neighborhood watch.

I'm a paper boy, lady. Doing way over your head.

Here, Spike.

Good boy, Spike. What about Ralph?

Forget him.

Engine 3, this is Red Rover. Ready to pick up the ball.

We're talking so long. I can't turn the hedges.

What did you do that for? You let them get away!

They were getting away anyway,

and your little wing-walking stunt wasn't gonna stop them.

I guess we'll never really know for sure now, will we?

I know I don't have to scrape you off the ground with a spatula. You know,

you should be thanking me.

Thanks for nothing.

This is great. Just great.

Who asked for his help? He calls that help?

If I wanted his help, I asked for it.

Excuse me.

I'm not even going to ask where you have that hidden.

This better be good.

We got bugs.

Call Orkin.

Not that kind. I know what you mean. Did you kill them? What,

and blow any shred of cover we might have left?

No video, just audio.

So from now on, everything we say or do has to sound like

we're a simple, suburban, happily married couple.

Meaning?

Something's gotta change.

Night, honey.

Night, dear.

Oh, I understand you two have had visitors.

Unexpected and quite rude.

Well, we'll let you know what we get on the helicopter and the gun.

Now, our analysts agree that Ferber's laser technology is the likely target.

With the pending launch of their satellite and testing...

Well, we have much time, so let's move on this Parker business before more people,

yourselves included, get hurt. Don't forget, if you need me, I'm a Lear Jettaway.

What's he want? It's not like I'm sitting home baking cookies, for God's sakes.

That one batch of oatmeal raisins, but that was for the barber.

Make it up.

Yeah, why not?

Okay, why not?

There were five of us.

Five?

My mom, my dad, my two brothers, and me.

Older or younger?

Both.

What else?

No, what do you mean what else?

A dog or?

Yes, dog.

We had a dog and a cat and a hamster.

We had a really nice house, kind of comfortable, not too big, sort of like this one.

And my mom used to make blueberry pancakes every morning.

She picked me up from cheerleading practice after school.

And my father was great.

He would come home and read the newspaper at night and smoke a pipe,

and the tobacco smelled like chocolate.

And in winter, he made us this ice skating rink in the backyard.

What?

It's a nice story.

Yeah, well, everybody died in a car wreck.

Just stay on top of Parker tomorrow, and I'll work on Arlene.

I just had to get out of that house. I know what you mean.

It was nice of you to think of going on a picnic.

I just knew I'd feel better if I talked to somebody.

I feel so violated, those men just coming into my house like that.

Did the police find out who did it?

No.

No, not yet.

Nobody's safe anymore.

Those people will stop at nothing.

What people? Oh, nobody.

Don't you think that car is falling awful close?

I hate tailgaters, don't you?

Say, I know a shortcut.

What are you with?

Did your husband know you drive like that? Who?

I'm just kidding.

It's kind of peaceful out here, isn't it? We used to come here all the time.

You don't anymore? How come?

I don't know.

After Frank's father got sick, he...

It kind of all went to hell.

The operations were expensive, and then the 24-hour care.

We had to get a second on the house, and then that ran out.

Money troubles hard. I can be tough on a family.

I hate to say it, but...

They thought it would all get better after his father

passed away, but wait, his father passed away?

He's what?

You heard me.

So what do you think? Hello? Hello, Mr. Smith?

Parker's on the move, and I have a feeling I know where to.

He's going to make another drop. Meet me at the nursing home.

Hi, good-looking.

Oh, anyone pick up Parker's envelope?

Yeah, here he comes. Hide.

Excuse me, watch where you're going, will you please?

That was very nice.

What?

You know what?

Yes?

Joe Johnson, U.S. Department of Justice.

He just picked up the envelope.

So Parker's been feeding critical systems secret

access codes to the Justice Department?

Yeah, and if it's the Justice Department, why are they breaking into our house?

In the kitchen, sweetheart, just polishing the silver. How was your day, honey?

I've got a big surprise for you. I invited the boss over for dinner.

The boss?

He's coming here?

Uh-huh.

Tonight?

On such short notice?

Why didn't you tell me? You could have called.

Oh, you'll whip up something, darling.

You always do.

Please, come in, sir. Good evening, Mr. Smith. An honor to have you here.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

I'm absolutely delighted to make your acquaintance.

I'm frightfully sorry I'm so late.

Minor crisis in the office.

5380 blew at the Census Bureau.

Well, why don't we go have a seat before the soufflé falls?

Yes, why don't we?

Lovely home we have. Why don't you sit here, sir? Head of the table.

How I say something does smell absolutely delicious.

She's a real pistol in the kitchen, aren't you, honey?

He's such a kidder. A little music with dinner, gentlemen?

Good idea, sweetheart.

I found out who Parker's selling the codes to.

We did.

We did. Joe Johnson, section chief, United States Justice Department.

I actually did some research on Agent Johnson. West Point,

top 10%, Silver Star, Persian Gulf.

Today, Swiss bank accounts Manchin and St. Croix

on a GS-11 salary. Great job, you two.

Well, I guess that wraps it up for you.

I'll let Critical know.

Well, there is one thing, sir.

Yeah, I have to agree with him this time, sir.

We want to see this through.

Are you suggesting we take on the United States Department of Justice?

We can't sweep this under the rug with some

internal investigation and a few hand slaps, can we?

I agree.

I think the general public has a right to know

about these rogue elements in their midst,

threatening the safety of the very people they're hard to protect.

Let's trap a rat, shall we?

Where do we start?

Uh, with a salad?

Hello, Frank. I see you got my page.

Technology is getting so complicated.

Locking systems like ours were making it harder and harder on the

Justice Department's surreptitious entry teams to do their job.

That's why they needed somebody on the inside to give them the access codes.

They knew we were financially vulnerable. They descended on us.

They knew everything about us.

They offered to pay for my father's care.

It was the government, for God's sake.

Johnson told me that he needed the access codes to catch criminals

that were protecting themselves with our security systems,

drug dealers and gangsters.

That's what he was doing.

At first, anyway.

After Frank's father passed away,

he told them he wasn't going to work for them anymore.

But he wouldn't let me out.

So he's going to have me arrested. Or do something to Timmy.

He's a really bad man.

And I didn't want anything to happen to you.

I thought you didn't like him anyway.

I love you so much.

Frank, I'm sorry, but we have to know that the

codes that you gave Johnson yesterday...

Was it the Ferber Technologies?

The laser program?

He said it'd be the last one he'd ask for. And if I gave it to him,

he was gonna leave us alone.

Pedal to the metal, okay?

We'll get there. We'll get there.

You really think this is going to work?

How could it not? It's simple.

Justice Joe thinks he's got the code that's going

to give him access to the satellite laser.

Well, he does have a code.

Exactly, but it's not the right one. Because thanks

to Frank Parker, we now have a code, too.

And it'll lock out Justice Joe, no access, no armed satellite.

Didn't I tell you it was simple?

Oh yeah, it's simple, but we have to get there before he does.

We'll get there, we'll get there.

Wait, Trevor Technologies, we're here.

Enter the new code I'll stand look at.

I wasn't kidding.

This thing's complicated.

The code goes out to 56 digits. Ampersands, tildes.

Yes, just don't get any wrong then. Thanks for your advice.

I'll try to take it into consideration.

Hurry up, someone's coming.

Fingers don't fail me now.

They're here.

We're out of here.

Say it ain't so, Joe.

Hello?

Ghost?

Where's Trace?

Joe.

Upstairs.

Leave him!

What am I supposed to say?

You got me?

A public apology to America would be nice.

You were a war hero. What made you turn?

I didn't.

I was getting the stuff for the department anyway.

All I did was expand the business a little.

Make the merchandise available the highest bid.

The store's closed now, isn't it?

You think so, lady?

This is the information age.

I'm just the tip of the iceberg. Don't even think about it. Oh, yeah?

I wouldn't give you people the satisfaction.

Cheerleader. Really.

Go, fight, win.

Come on, guys.

Well, I guess you're all packed and ready. Oh, did you see the newspaper?

It's on the front page, finally.

Miss Smith, I want to thank you once more, but there's just not enough words.

They know you were pressured, Frank. The deal is they'll go easy on you.

Whatever happens, we're a family again. It's all that really matters.

Thanks for helping my dad, Mrs. Smith.

No problem, dude.

Do you have an address? I'll drop you a card.

Where's Mr. Smith?

Yeah, I want to thank him, too.

Let me guess.

Okay, Fran, let me have the bulb.

Screw it in.

Here you are. Hi. Don't hi me. Get down from there.

What? I'm just over here.

Hey, you.

We weren't doing anything. Yet.

Ready, honey?

Just playing my cover. What, you think I wasn't?

I did you a favor.

Yeah?

Like what?

I burned that bathrobe.

You burned my bathrobe?

Ha ha, so it was your bathrobe.

I thought so.

What?

A woman burns a man's bathrobe, that's not professional, that's personal.

That ratty old thing was begging to be burned.

It burned your pajamas, too. You did what? Gotcha.

Sometimes things can go wrong.

If we're lucky, we don't even notice them. Other times, they can be total tragedy.

9.30 tomorrow night, we look at how and why on the premiere special What Went Wrong.

David Letterman is next with The Late Show.