Original subtitles

This is the Golden Gate Bridge,

and these are the toll gates where millions of dollars

have been collected since the bridge was built.

Yes, the toll system is one of the most painless

methods of collecting such huge sums of money.

I know a method for collecting money that is even more painless.

Oh?

Marry it.

Gwen, I... We'll have to hurry and get ready, Mai.

It won't take me... Alma, are you still here?

Hello, girls.

I guess I'm a little late today. I'll finish up as fast as I can.

You don't have to... Alma, have you been crying?

No, ma'am.

What's wrong?

I'll be all right.

I'll be all right.

Oh, Alma, you can tell us. You come and sit right down here. Sure.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, it's quite a story, you see.

I've been corresponding with a man from my hometown,

and tonight he's going to arrive. And you're unhappy about that?

We'd be dancing in the streets. There's a little more to it than that.

Well, tell us, Alma. Well, you see, I've never seen this man.

He got in touch with me through friends of mine, and in his letter,

he sounded like such a nice man that I wrote him back.

Well, maybe it'll work out very well for you.

I've done something terribly wrong.

I've been writing to him from this address here at the apartment,

and he's been led to believe I live here. Oh, that is bad.

I knew I shouldn't have done it.

But you know how it is when you're up in years and you don't have a man.

We know how it is when you're down in years and don't have a man.

You don't even know what he looks like? No.

I'd written and suggested that we exchange photographs, but in the meantime,

I got a letter saying he was on his way. Alma, you are in trouble.

It's my own fault, entirely my own fault. Oh, cheer up, Alma.

Maybe he'll be handsome and wealthy.

And if he is, we'll join your pen pal club.

It wouldn't be necessary that he be handsome and wealthy. Just kind and considerate.

Yeah, but it's a lot easier to be kind and considerate if you're wealthy.

Well, finish up. Oh, Alma, you don't have to finish up.

We know you have more important things to do. Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, Alma, don't feel bad.

I know he'll turn out to be just the kind of fella you're looking for,

and you'll end up as a beautiful bride.

Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful if it all came true? Oh, it will, Alma.

I can just see you coming down the aisle with

the bride's bouquet. Here comes the bride.

I can just smell the orange blossoms.

And when it's all over, I'll take the bride's

bouquet and I'll throw it up in the air.

I got it, I got it. Oh, gee, Mike, does that mean you'll end up with a husband?

Well, it's supposed to, but at the rate we're going,

it probably means I'll end up with a feather duster.

Shame, that's what it is. It's downright It's a great shame.

There ought to be something we can do to help her.

The best thing we can do is to stay out of it.

But she's got herself in a terrible mess. Local,

Mike and Ira's concerned about Alma as you are,

but she asked for it by giving a false address.

The man who's going to show up here tomorrow

is probably aware this is a plush address,

and he assumes that Alma has money.

But I know she didn't mean to do what she did.

She's just desperate for a husband, and when you're desperate for a husband,

you'll do... Honey, there's no need to explain about being desperate for a husband.

See this trio?

Yes? With us, every day is Sadie Hawkins' day.

But I was thinking. Loco, don't think. That's where we get in trouble.

Well, I could do it without thinking.

No.

No!

And that's what I was thinking.

Well, it sounds all right, Miss Loco, but I'm not sure I quite understand.

Look, when this man calls here to see you, this

Mr., uh... Mr. Johnson, Harold Johnson.

Johnson. When he arrives, he's going to ask for you at the desk, right?

I suppose that's what he'll do.

All right, I'll tip Jesse off to send him up to my apartment.

Only instead of meeting you, he's going to meet me. He is.

Sure.

Then if he turns out to be a big nothing, I can get rid of him. You know,

tell him you moved or something.

Understand? I think so, but if you say he's all right, he's okay,

the right man for me, then what?

Oh, that's easy. Then I send for you.

How do you do?

You're Mr. Johnson?

That's right.

Mr. Harold Johnson?

Mr. Harold Johnson.

Everybody calls me Loco.

Oh, a nickname.

Why, this is a pleasant surprise.

I had no idea you'd be so...

Young and beautiful?

Oh, and I had no idea you'd be so young and beautiful.

Handsome. Thank you. Won't you come in?

All right.

Mr. Johnson.

Yes, ma'am?

Won't you sit down?

After you.

I've been led to believe that New York girls are beautiful.

But now I see that's an understatement.

They're gorgeous.

Simply gorgeous.

They are?

You are.

I are?

I am?

A beautiful girl, a luxurious apartment.

When I read your letters, I never dreamed that...

I find it hard to believe that anyone like you would have

to resort to correspondence in order to find a man.

Well, for your information, I... I never did it before.

I'm awfully glad you did.

Look.

Mr. Johnson, there's something I have to tell you.

Yes?

Well, it's about the girl you came to see.

You don't have to tell me anything about her.

I don't?

Oh, no.

She's the most beautiful girl I ever laid my eyes on.

But there's something that bothers me.

You see, my dad is... Yes.

Oh, I mean, hello.

Hello, Miss Loco.

This is Alma.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Shall I come up, Miss Locon?

Well, uh... Oh, there's no hurry.

You mean you're not sure if you like him?

Oh, I'm positive he's the most... Well, um, why don't you wait a while?

All right, Miss Loco.

That phone call.

You see, Mr. Johnson, I'm- Oh, that's perfectly all right.

You don't have to explain. Pretty girl like you is bound to have a lot of dates.

I'd like to see you again. See you tomorrow night at 7?

Well...

It's a date.

Funny, she said she was going to stay home.

Loco. What's the matter? I'm in love.

What?

I'm in love. Oh, this is pitiful.

She hasn't even been out of the apartment, and she's in love.

Maybe it's with that used car salesman on TV. Could be.

It's not funny. I am in love.

All right, so you're in love. Would you mind telling us with whom? Alma's boyfriend.

Alma's boyfriend?

That's right.

I'm in love with Alma's boyfriend.

I knew we should have stayed home and babysat tonight. I couldn't help it.

When I looked at him, something suddenly snapped.

It not only snapped, it flip-flopped and went into orbit. Coco,

how did you get mixed up with him?

Well, you see, I...

I'll explain later. Oh, but you should see him. He's handsome, tall, young. Young?

Oh, five or six years older than me.

Is that all? Uh-huh. What about Alma?

Oh, she must be at least 20 years older than me.

That's not what I meant.

Now, look, Loco, this man is supposed to be Alma's boyfriend, not yours.

I can't help it, Gwen.

When he looked at me, sparks started to fly, flames shot up, smoke filled. Hold it,

girl. You'll have the apartment in embers.

I'll get it. Loco, you can't go walking off with Alma's boyfriend like this.

I don't care if he is too young for it. It's not your place to decide this.

Oh, but Mike... Besides, you don't fall in love with

a man just because he's tall, handsome, and young.

Oh, I know that!

But I'm sure he's nice, and he has all the signs of a

gentleman. You sure? Oh, yes. What about this sign?

Oh.

Well, I don't know about that, but this is one time

I don't care. All right, then. What about Alma?

Well, I have my own life to live. Why don't Alma find her own boyfriend?

She tried that, but she was given the double cross. And you know by who?

Whom?

Who?

Well, Alma'll just have to be brave.

I'm going to tell her I love Mr. Johnson, and that's that.

Loco, Alma is here to see you.

Uh, hello, Alma.

Well, I see that Mr. Johnson isn't here, Miss Loco.

I guess you figured he wasn't exactly the right man for me.

Well...

You see, to tell the truth, gumdrop.

I know. You thought he was too ugly for me. Was that it?

No.

No, he wasn't ugly. Have a peanut. He wasn't. No, he was handsome.

Handsome?

Oh, then he must have been just a little runt, short and fat.

No, no, he wasn't short and fat.

He was tall and he had a good build. He was handsome and tall and had a good build?

Oh, then I know. It must have been his character you didn't like.

He was mean and inconsiderate and rude. No.

No?

No, he was kind and considerate and charming.

I don't quite understand.

This man was handsome and tall, And kind, and considerate, and... Charming.

And charming?

And you still didn't want me to meet him? Oh, my God. Young.

Mr. Johnson was also very young.

Young?

How young?

Not over 30.

What?

Isn't that right, Loco?

Yes.

My goodness, according to our correspondence,

I had him pictured as a much older man.

We assumed that, too. That's why...

Well, under the circumstances, Loco sort of fell for him.

But that doesn't make any difference, Alma. Loco would gladly step aside.

Wouldn't you, Loco?

Yes, I'll step aside. But not gladly. Alma, only 30 years old.

Of course, that's much too young for me.

Miss Loco, Miss Loco, you have my blessing. Oh, but Alma.

It was a foolish idea right from the start.

I should have known better than to think it would work out. Well, Alma,

I really don't like what's happening. Don't you give it another thought.

I can just see me walking down the aisle with a 30-year-old.

The people in the church should be whispering, something's gone wrong.

She's marrying the ring bearer. Oh, my God!

Well, my son, how did you do?

Oh, wonderful. It's a good thing I did a little checking up for you. Oh? Yeah,

she's much too young for you.

Oh, I can't believe that. Oh, that's right, Dad. She's just a young lady.

A young lady?

Don't worry about it. I'll take over for you.

Oh, no, you don't, Junior.

I started this, and I'll finish it.

But, Dad, she's only... As we say back home, there may be frost on the roof,

but there's still fire in the old stove.

I was expecting you to show up there tomorrow night.

You mean you were going to double-cross your poor old father? No,

I wasn't thinking in terms of double-crossing you.

It's just that there's such a difference in ages.

Son, allow me to give you a bit of advice.

Age is only in the mind, and right now my mind is wearing rompers.

You're on the wrong side. Oh, thank you.

Where do you plan on going, Alma? To my sister's on the West Coast, Seattle.

Maybe you'll find a husband out there.

Yes, we hear there are a lot of handsome lumbermen out that way.

Well, I'll let you know. If you land one, just yell, Timber!

I'll do that.

Well...

Goodbye, girls. No, I can find my way out.

Just say goodbye to Miss Loco for me and wish

her the very best of luck for me. We will.

Good luck to you, Mama. Have a good trip.

Goodbye. Bye. It's kind of pitiful.

But you can't blame her for wanting to leave.

No, I guess not.

Well, it's time to start thinking about dinner. Yes, let's just think about it.

Yoo-hoo!

Theda Berra's home.

Hi, kids.

Oh, what a day. I thought I'd never get home.

That photographer must have taken ten dozen pictures. What's the rush?

Well, my date's coming over, remember? Oh, yes.

Well, you won't have to worry about any competition from Alma.

She's taking her off for Seattle. Oh.

Oh, I stayed up all night worrying about her.

Oh, but honest, kids, this fellow just wasn't for her.

When you see him, he's tall, handsome, and oh,

when he looks at you with those eyes, he's...

This must be a package deal of Gregory Peck, Tony Curtis,

and Cary Grant all wrapped up in one.

Maybe that's him now.

Hello?

Speaking. What?

Oh, no. Oh, but can't it wait till tomorrow?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, right away. Of all the rotten luck,

I have to go back to the studio for some retakes. They

have to ship them tonight. Oh, that's too bad.

I hope Mr. Johnson won't mind.

Well, Loco, if you'd like to send in a substitute... Oh, no, you don't.

Just tell him to wait.

I won't be gone long.

We'll eat in here, Mike. Then when Loco's day comes,

maybe he'll take the hint and take her out to dinner.

Not if he's like the dates we had last night.

He'll pull up a knife and fork and eat with us. Oh, Mike.

And then complain because there's no dinner music.

Good evening.

Good evening.

I am Mr. Johnson.

You're Mr. Johnson?

You're Mr. Johnson? That is correct. The one who wrote the letters?

Yes. Yes, I am the one.

Won't you come in? Thank you.

Your date will be here in a few minutes.

You're Mr. Johnson?

Yes, I am Mr. Johnson.

You see, I have been writing... Would you wait here, please?

Excuse us for a minute.

I couldn't see them.

His glasses were all fogged up.

Who wouldn't what?

Well, I was just thinking that maybe Loco did this deliberately. Oh, no, Mike.

I don't like to believe it either,

but she was a little miffed when you and I double-dated last night. Oh, gee,

I'd hate to think that. Especially at the expense of poor Alma.

Excuse me.

You are Mr. Johnson.

Yes, lady, I am Mr. Johnson. I'm Mr. Johnson.

Good thing Jessie knows everybody's business.

She lives in a rooming house over on Bradbury.

Hello, I'd like to speak to Miss Alma Ferguson, please.

Oh?

Thank you.

Gone? Just a few minutes ago.

Mr. Johnson. Yes, ma'am.

We don't like to tell you this, but Miss Ferguson,

the lady you were corresponding with, won't be here tonight.

She won't?

No, we just learned that she's left town.

Oh, no, not really.

We're terribly sorry.

Oh, I should have known.

My age.

What?

It was a foolish notion on my part.

Excuse us.

Oh, no.

I stopped in to say goodbye to the other maids,

and Jesse said you were looking for me. We

sure are. Come here. Now, let me take this.

But girls, I was just on my way.

We've just changed your itinerary.

This may be the most important trip you've ever taken.

But I'm going to be late for my bath.

Don't worry about that, no.

Mr. Johnson, I'd like you to meet Miss Alma Ferguson.

You are Miss Ferguson?

Yes.

You're Mr. Johnson?

Ma'am, that's what I've been trying to tell people all evening.

But I thought that you were... I did too.

Are you disappointed? No.

By your letters, I thought you would look like this.

And I am not disappointed.

I got my key in the urn. Oh, loco. Huh?

Young lady, we've never been so disgusted with you in all our lives. Oh,

what's the matter? How could you lie to us like that?

Lie?

But what are you talking about?

You know very well what we're talking about, saying that Mr.

Johnson was tall and handsome and young. Well, he is tall, handsome, and young.

That's your idea of something that's tall, handsome, and young? It certainly is.

Within all these years, we've been looking for two different things.

But you have the gall to...

Good evening.

I'd introduce you, but they're in too ugly a mood.

Let's get out of here, if you don't mind.

No, I don't mind.

Now, who was that?

I don't know, but there goes something I'd call tall, handsome, and young.

Harold! Oh, what's he doing in Niagara Falls?

Dear Loco, here I am in the land of honeymooners with Alma.

Alma!

Harold married Alma! Oh, great!

I can't believe that.

Dear Loco, I am here in the land of honeymoons with Mama and Dad.

They were married this afternoon. Oh, how can you be so full?

Marrying another woman and all the time he was supposed

to be in love with me. Loco, will you listen?

They are very happy.

As for you and I, Loco, dear,

Dad has asked me to go back home to dispose of his estate.

All I can say is I hope they'll be very happy together.

For goodness sakes, Logo, listen.

As soon as the papers are signed and I'm rid of the responsibility,

I'm flying back to your arms. Logo, did you hear that? That's horrible.

Horrible? The honeymoon isn't even cold yet,

and he wants to get rid of her and fly back to my arms!

Do you want to explain, or should I?

I think it's going to take the both of us.

Ready? No, Goodyear.

Harold Sr. married Alma, local, not Harold Jr. And

as soon as Harold Jr. gets rid of Harold Sr.

's estate, Harold Jr.