Original subtitles

This is Sunset Boulevard,

where you'll see some of the most magnificent homes in Los Angeles,

many of them worth over a quarter of a million dollars,

and representing almost every style of architecture, Spanish, English, ranch type.

I'll take half a dozen, assorted.

Really?

And how will you get the money to pay for them?

Very simple.

Marry it!

Gwen, what a wonderful break, and in Earl Wilson's column, too.

Loco Jones, well-known model, is posing these days on the arm of Robert E. Harper,

young Louisiana cotton tycoon. Gee, that's terrific.

How did you ever get it in the paper?

Well, no sense working for a publicity man if I can't do my friend some good.

Anyway, my boss says Robert E. Harper is great copy.

Well, I'd like a copy of Robert E. Harper myself.

Well, from what I hear, if the Louisiana Purchase happened today,

he could outbid the government.

I hear the cotton's only a small part of... How do I look?

Loco, if you looked any better, you could be locked up.

Do you think it's too revealing?

Of course not.

A man always likes to see more girl than dress.

Maybe I should change.

Robert doesn't like it when I attract too much attention.

He gets jealous if other men look at me.

Well, that's great. Nothing keeps a man on his toes like another man on his heels.

Honey child, you're so lucky catching a man like Robert E. Harper.

Can you picture our little loco in one of those southern mansions with 80 rooms,

each with hot and cold running mint juleps?

And the children in the nursery cutting Andrew Jackson's picture out of $20 bills.

Y'all gonna invite us down to visit you, Miss Scarlett? Sure.

You can each have a guest house all to yourselves.

What about those 80 rooms in the mansion?

Gwen, they're entitled to a little privacy.

Evening, Miss Loco.

Oh, come in, Robert.

First, let me drink in this vision of loveliness that brightens

the night like moonbeams shining down on a bayou.

Oh, Robert.

Evening, ladies. You both looking radiant, as always.

Good evening. Thank you, Mr. Harper.

Well, bless your hearts. You can just call me Bob. I insist on it.

Well, you always call Loco, miss.

Well, that's no more than any southern gentleman would

do till he reaches an understanding with his lady.

Well, as they say in the westerns, reach.

Oh, I'm aiming to. Then we're going to change that Miss Loco.

Oh, gosh.

Mrs. Loco.

Well, I believe we best be running along.

I do hate to leave such charming company, but at least I'll have one-third of you.

Well, good night. Have a wonderful time.

Thank you.

I won't bring Miss Loco home too late. I don't want you to worry.

Well, don't bring her home too early, or we will. Good night.

Oh, what a wonderful dinner, Robert. That baked ham was simply delicious.

Miss Loco, that was just swine before a pearl.

Oh, you're sweet.

You know, these last few weeks we've been together,

I just can't tell you what they meant to me.

Oh, sure you can.

Oh, that smile of yours.

Why, that smile is like the honeysuckle busting

into bloom on the first day of spring.

Oh, I love to hear you talk, Robert.

Southern is such a pretty language. I hope I can learn it.

Miss Loco, ma'am, all the words you got to learn is

a certain answer when I ask a certain question.

Yes, Robert.

Now you don't even have to ask the question.

Miss Loco, you're priceless.

Oh, please, I'll get in and deem it a real pleasure.

Oh, thank you.

You're most welcome.

He smiled at you, and you smiled back.

Robert, you mustn't be jealous of every man that looks at me.

After all, you can look, too.

I'm sorry I lost my temper.

Oh, forget it. What's lost is lost, I always say.

Hey, loco, baby! Hey, how are you, sweetheart?

Hey, hey, Loco.

Hey, honey, remember? It's me, your old buddy.

Buddy?

Do we know any buddies, Robert?

Is that a doll? Always making with the jokes.

How are you, pal? Jerry Wilson's the name.

The world's second greatest comedian. I let the other guys fight about who's first.

This way I got no competition.

So, would you mind removing your hand from the lady's shoulder?

Hey, uh, what's eating him?

Whatever it is, I bet it gets indigestion, huh?

I could get pneumonia around here.

Please, Jerry, I...

Miss Loco, you do know him.

Well, we met him at a party a few weeks ago. He's a friend of Mike's.

And Gwen's.

Don't believe it, pal. She's my best audience. Hey, Loco,

how do you like the jacket, huh? If this style ever comes back, I'm all set, right?

Miss Loco, you lied to me.

Well, I was afraid you'd be jealous.

I'm worried.

Deeply worried.

Boy, get a load of him. Say, Colonel,

why don't you go outside and wait in the hearse, huh?

So, if you will excuse me...

I will be escorting the lady back home.

And as for you, sir, how did we ever lose that war?

Loco, you should have told him. You should have told him.

I tried to explain, but he was so angry he wouldn't listen.

Then I got angry.

Look, honey, he probably feels just as badly as you do.

Why don't you meet him halfway? Yes,

go to him and apologize on your hands and knees. No!

I don't care if I ever see him again. Poco, you don't know what you're saying.

I know what I'm saying. I'm in full command of my senses.

Of all times for that to happen.

Are you satisfied to let it end this way?

Well, if that's the way Mr. Harper wants it, it's perfectly all right with me.

But don't you realize... Oh.

Hi, sweetheart, is Loco in?

She's here, but... Baby!

Loco, listen, I just stopped by to tell you how sorry I am about what happened.

You should be.

I still don't know what I did. What did I do? I just told a few jokes.

No wonder Robert got angry.

What do you mean? That's great new material I bought.

What's the difference what I paid for it?

You girls want to hear the routine?

Not now.

Oh, look, Gwen, I'm gonna level with you.

I got a chance for a good job in a big nightclub down in Miami. Now,

if I could just get a little publicity, maybe get a mention in one of the columns.

I know. You want me to talk to my boss.

Yeah, that's it. I just want to stir up some excitement,

get people talking about me.

They're talking about you now.

But what they're saying, you can't print.

Well, hardy, har, har, har. Look, you, when

I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Now, what do you say, huh? Gwen, baby, would you be a nice girl, huh? Look,

all I need now is the right plug in the paper,

and it could mean the whole difference in my career.

Maybe even a little picture, too, huh?

No.

That's what I like, an open mind. Would you girls like to hear the routine?

No!

Good, I'll do it for you.

Now, I come in and I say, uh...

How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? Well,

I really shouldn't call you ladies and gentlemen. You all know what you are.

I feel very good tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

I did a very heroic thing. I saved a girl.

I had a date with two of them this afternoon, and I saved one for tonight.

What a doll. Since I met her, I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't eat.

That's not the joke, honey, not yet.

I don't mind not working, not sleeping, but I'm hungry. That's the jump.

Not only does he lay the eggs, he cackles, too.

Yeah, what do you know?

What do you think, Gwen?

I think it'll take us about a week to get it out of the drapes.

Oh, gee, I thought it was real funny.

There, you see?

Now, on the level, Gwen, you heard the material.

Don't you think I'm worth a mention in one of the columns?

Sure, how about missing persons?

How would you like a clap?

Jerry, it's late.

Look, honey, if I could just get a little publicity,

I can really go places. Talk to your boss.

Look, this may come as a surprise to you,

but people pay my boss for getting their names in the paper. It's his business.

Honey, I don't want him to work for nothing. When I become a big star,

I'll start paying him, all right?

That could take 20 years.

If I can wait, so can he.

How about it, huh, Gwenzie?

I'll see what I can do.

Look, if I could just get a few people to see my name in a paper, I got talent.

Yeah, and it's in Bob Hope's name. Good night, Jerry.

Gwen, we're going to have to do something about him. I know,

but I can't think of anything legal.

Tony LaFrance has stepped out of the cast of

the new Broadway play, All the Queen's Men.

Tony says the play was so bad,

the customers were asking for their money back on their way into the theater.

And that about does it.

Things have been pretty quiet around town, huh? Unless

maybe you got something. Has my wife called yet?

Well, I don't think... No.

No, I don't think you'd be interested.

Come on, honey, give. What is it?

Well, there's a comedian around town, Jerry Wilson.

He's very funny and has a good act, and... And he's gonna be a big star someday.

And he's a personal friend of yours, and he wants some free publicity, right?

Well, I just thought you might... Now, look, Gwen,

you ought to know better than that.

We have enough trouble around here trying to get

publicity items planned about name people.

You're right, Mr. Davis. I guess it isn't very important that Jerry just

broke up my girlfriend's romance with Robert Harper, the cotton king.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

What?

Now, why didn't you say that in the first place?

Now, let's see.

That can be an item for the Manhattan merry-go-round.

You really think so?

Take this, darling.

Loco Jones has split with her... I can't hear myself.

Loco Jones has split with her billionaire cotton king boyfriend, Robert E. Harper,

and is being consoled by rising funny man Jerry Wilson.

It'll be in the paper tomorrow morning.

Gwen, what are you so proud about? I don't think this is so smart.

Robert broke with local because he's so jealous.

Well, that's the point, Mike. Once Harper realizes Loco isn't pining away for him,

he'll be back. Well, maybe you're right. Believe me.

Millionaires are the same as people.

They have pride and feelings and emotions and money.

I knew it belonged in there someplace.

Yoo-hoo!

I'm home! Where in here, loco?

What are you so happy about?

Oh, nothing.

Robert called me this afternoon at work.

He did?

What'd she say? Robert called this afternoon. He patched it up? Please.

In his bracket, they don't use patches. I mean, is everything okay? Uh-huh.

He said he was sorry he blew up,

and I convinced him there was nothing between Jerry and me.

Oh, loco, I'm so happy for you.

Oh, loco, I'm so sick for me.

What's the matter? Isn't this what we wanted?

Robert's picking me up tomorrow. We're going for a drive in the country.

Did he give you any choice of countries? Gwen,

you better call the paper and have that item stopped immediately. Oh,

it's too late. They put the paper to bed two hours ago.

Can't they wake it up?

No.

Will somebody please tell me what's going on? Oh.

Gwen, you do look sick.

Oh, but please don't call a doctor. He might fix it so I'll live. Here it is, girls.

Loco Jones, photographer's model,

whose measurements make you forget all about cameras, has split with her boyfriend,

Robert E. Harper, billionaire cotton king from the land of Dixie.

These days, Loco only has eyes for rising funny man, Jerry Wilson.

Laughs more important than money, that's a switch.

That columnist rewrote the item.

Oh, my.

When Robert sees that, he'll blow his top.

There'll be corn pone all over everything. He's liable to secede from the union.

Never mind the union. How about me?

Loco, you've only got one chance. He's taking you out today,

so keep him busy and away from a newspaper.

Sure, by tomorrow it'll be dead news.

Unless he sees it. Then you'll be dead news.

He's early. You better get rid of that fast.

A big girl, huh?

Uh, hello?

Uh, we were just, uh, tearing up the newspaper. There's nothing in it, anyway.

Just news.

Oh, sure, same old thing. Trouble in Europe, trouble in Asia, trouble in Africa.

Well, things aren't too good around here, either. He's seen it.

I certainly have.

And I'm still waiting for an explanation. You and that lowlife Jerry Wilson.

Oh, that! Oh, that was just a publicity item, really.

You see, I was just trying to do Jerry a favor, and at the same time...

You told me on the phone that he meant nothing

to y'all. That's what you told me, Ms. Local.

Why, Robert, I'm surprised at you. How could you ever doubt me?

Well, I...

You see, it's just that the little lady here means so much to me.

I was even ready to ask her to become Mrs. Robert E. Harper.

Oh, my Robert.

Y'all.

I was willing to do anything. I was even ready to live up north.

Yes, me too.

Yes, sir, even as far north as New Orleans.

It's mighty big of you robbers.

Hi, Gwen.

Is nobody home?

What's the idea?

I only stopped by to thank you for that item in the paper.

Hey, you're all right, kid. I'll never forget you for this. In fact,

I put you in my will this morning. You know you're gonna be rich?

You hear me? Rich. R-I-T-C-H. Jerry, listen, please.

Well, hiya, peasants. Well, if it isn't the little princess,

the little doll who has eyes only for funny men, Jerry Wilson. Oh, I love you.

Well, I know.

Well, maybe you should sometimes, huh, pal? Could be part of your trouble.

Oh, listen, Robert, I can explain. So he doesn't mean anything to y'all?

Well, fan my brow with a pork chop. I think the Colonel's mad.

Sir, if we were down in my part of the country, I'd horse with you. Look,

threats will get you no place.

I'm a coward.

That's just as I figured.

Good day to you all.

Oh, listen, Robert. Please, I can explain this. Don't go.

I can... Oh!

Boy, get a load of him. Is he 666 Southern style yet?

Do you know what you've done? He was going to propose to me. He practically did.

Oh, honey, so what? So you'd live in a big mansion with 20 million bucks.

Is this what you want out of life?

I guess this is what she wants out of life. Out, and don't come back. Now, now,

wait a minute, girls. You think she's the only

one that's got trouble on account of this?

I got trouble, too, you know. My girlfriend, Grace,

saw that item in the paper and called me this morning, fit to be tied.

I'm telling you, real Mansville.

Well, that serves you right.

Now, listen, look, I'm very fond of Grace. Girls,

we've been going together a long time. We're kind of what you call engaged.

Well, if she really loves you, she'll understand.

Oh, no, I'm not worried about that. Suppose she gets jealous and wants to marry me.

Boy, then, I'm really in trouble.

If that's Jerry again, I'll... Yeah, believe me, I'll help you.

Yes, you can't be loco, Jones.

Jerry hasn't got that much good taste.

I'm Grace, Jerry's former girlfriend, if you know what I mean.

Which one of you vampires is Loco Jones?

Now, look, if you came here to make trouble... I did.

I followed Jerry here, and I've been waiting downstairs for him to leave.

I want to see the woman that stole my Jerry. I didn't steal him. He's not my idea,

but he's not my idea either. I wonder whose idea he is.

Why did you have to do it?

Honestly, if it wouldn't ruin my makeup, I'd cry.

Look, we can explain that item in the paper. You're young and beautiful.

Oh, I can understand it.

Jerry has such a streak of poetry in him.

Is that what it is?

Oh, I know he doesn't have very much to offer,

but I've been trying to make something out of him.

You should have seen him when we first met.

Hanging around nightclubs, stealing jokes from cheap comics,

Now at least he's stealing from the good ones.

Grace, you've got to listen. That story in the paper was just publicity.

There's nothing between Jerry and Loco.

Of course not. I don't care if I ever see him again. The sooner, the better.

You're not lying to me.

I never lie. I was a brownie.

I believe you, but I almost wish I didn't. Why not?

Well, Jerry and I had a very big argument this morning with some pretty rough words,

and I didn't get a chance to use all of mine.

Oh, what a beautiful night.

Look at that moon and those stars.

There's such a lovely breeze coming from the river.

Robert E. Harper is packing to go back to Louisiana.

What a miserable night.

I wonder if he came back. Oh, I doubt it. Not a chance.

Oh, I didn't think so either. All right.

How are you, gorgeous?

I just had to stop by and tell you the good news.

Something fatal, I hope.

Oh, I am worried.

Believe me, girls, when I get to be a big star,

I'll never forget what you did for me. Grace

called me, you know. We're engaged again.

We even named a date. And when it rolls around, we're even gonna name the year.

Good luck to both of you. Yeah, she's waiting for me outside in the car now.

Oh, gee, I'm glad the two of you got together again. Yes,

now it should only happen to you and Robert, Loco.

What do you mean? Haven't you patched things up yet with that cotton picker? Honey,

let me talk to him. I'll fix it up for you.

Sure. So far, you've fixed things beautifully.

Look, just let me see the guy. I know how to deal with these people.

You know, we'll sit down, we'll have a bowl of chitlins, and then I'll... I'll go.

Now, you listen to me, Loco, honey. You hear? Hello, Maguire.

Well, Robert E. Harper.

Oh, Robert E. How do you get out of here? Yeah, you're right. There's 22 floors.

Well, imagine Robert E. Harper.

Loco, look who's here. Oh, Robert.

Miss Loco, I just had to come back.

Well, Loco understands, don't you, dear?

I've just been walking the street thinking about it.

I realize you could never care for anyone like that Jerry Wilson person.

I believe I owe you an apology.

Oh, well, it's such a beautiful night for apologizing.

Why don't you two go for a walk, huh? Yes,

there's nothing like a nice outdoor apology.

Where is he? Where's he? I never heard of anything so ridiculous in all my life.

Do you know that I've been sitting down there in the car for a half an hour?

Where's Jerry?

Jerry?

Jerry who?

Pardon me, ma'am, would the Jerry you all are

looking for by any chance be Jerry Wilson, the alleged comedian?

That's right.

Who's this boll weevil?

This boll weevil is my fiance.

Not anymore, if that man is you.

Well, he's not here.

Oh, well, then you won't mind if I look around?

We certainly would mind. We're not showing the apartment today.

That's just what I thought.

There. Are you satisfied now? No, I'm not. He's here.

I can feel it in my bones. Maybe you need diathermy treatments.

What's that?

The kitchen, but he's not there. Well, we'll

just look and see. You can't go in there.

After all, a woman's kitchen is her castle. Attagirl

logo? Oh, he isn't in there. Here, I'll show you.

See? So, if you don't mind, I'd like to see for myself.

She's right.

He's not there. Maybe you'd like to look under the rug.

Oh, don't be silly.

Only a snake could fit under the... I think he could do it.

Miss Loco, can you forgive me again?

Well, I don't know.

This whole thing has been so, so, uh... Searching your apartment.

It's humiliating. Oh, that's the word. It's degrading. I like that one even better.

I guess it's no more than we deserve.

Well, uh, maybe you'd like to start searching the place again.

Well, I hardly think that'll be... Oh, baby.

Oh, baby, what are you doing out here?

Oh, come on, loco, cheer up.

What's the sense in treating ourselves to a night out if we don't have a good time?

Yes, now forget about Robert E. Harper. Big deal, $20 million worth of cotton.

That one would have been something else again.

I suppose you're right. Well, of course. Look at the bright side of things.

Yes, after all, Jerry Wilson did get a nightclub job.

There we are, girls. Two ham sandwiches for three.