Original subtitles

( heart beating )

( announcer speaking )

Ripped by VincePirez for Subscene.com (vincepirez@googlemail.com)

Fucking hell.

Well, you know, this is Area 52.

We are filming the "Sanchez" movie.

So I got this idea, right, where we proper up the ante.

What we got to do is bollock right down this field,

we got a massive football pitch...

and just smash the car straight for the caravan.

But if you get in the corner--

If you laid down, you'd be all right.

No, 'cause you're the shortest, right?

- Oh yeah, great. - No no no!

( both shouting )

What if it just goes "plop," and mows me over?

- Trust us. - It's not going to mow you over.

- God. - We've worked it out.

We've got a tape measure and everything.

Short man, short life. Fucking bye!

Go on, Daint, fuck him up!

I'm tellin' you-- no, it's not happening.

It's not fucking-- end-off, no. Fuckin'. ..

- Oh, come on, Panch! - Oh, come on!

Daint, I don't give a fuck if you've got

a flux capacitor in that fuckin' car.

I'm not going in there, right?

Before he fuckin' wakes up,

let's just bollock it for the fuckin' caravan,

straight through-- well, off to the corner,

'cause if you go through it, you'll probably fucking kill him.

Look at Pritch with his seatbelt on.

( "All My Friends Are Dead" playing )

- Go on! - Come on!

# Where are your friends? #

# Where are your friends?! #

What? Don't fuck around!

# What? What? #

# Where are my friends? #

# All my friends are dead #

# All my friends are dead #

# Got kicked in the head #

# All my friends are dead #

# All my friends are dead #

# All my friends are dead #

# They got smacked in the head #

# All my friends are dead #

# I always knew that they would end up like today #

# They bought the bullets #

# And they played with hand grenades #

# Hey! #

- You fuckin'. .. - No, Dainton.

- ...knobber, knobber, knobber. - Tough fucking shit.

I got fuckin' payback for once in my fuckin' life.

I put chili sauce in your fuckin' eyes while you were driving.

Payback? Look where the fuck we are!

Payback? We're fucking dead.

- Pritchard: Dead? - Fuckin' monkeys.

Boys?

I have a little proposal for you fellas.

I want you to go on a mission

throughout the world to wreak havoc,

inflict pain

and, most importantly of all,

commit the seven deadly sins.

If you succeed,

I'll give you your lives back.

Fail and I'm afraid this is it, lads--

the end of the road.

So go forth and sin.

I'll see you on the flipside.

( farts )

( all laugh )

( rock music playing )

- ( sheep bleats ) - ( man yells )

( choir singing )

Dainton: According to Dante,

sloth deadens the spiritual senses.

But according to "Dainto,"

sloth is the epitome of man...

that is Pancho.

( heart monitor beeping )

Welcome to the "Sanchez" sleep trials.

Step one...

( sucking )

...Superglue.

( snoring )

Number one.

His mouth.

( heart monitor beeping )

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa-- whoa whoa.

As you can see, he's quite agitated.

( beeping quickens )

Feels like I've got fuckin'

serious shit up my nose.

Joycey: Watch out, you got stuff-- medicine--

you've got this stuff on your head.

Watch out, watch out, don't --

Proof that this man can fall asleep anywhere in the world.

Someone's fuckin' glued my nose up.

( laughing )

- My nose is fuckin'. .. - Superglued shut.

- ( all laughing ) - Try to blow it out.

It is proper stuck on, though, isn't it?

It's going fuckin' nowhere.

That's reinforced, that is.

What happens if I get a Never-Ending Gobstopper

stuck in the back of my throat? I'm fucked.

Ooh.

( straining to exhale )

( groans )

It's coming, it's coming, it's coming, it's coming.

- It's com-- it's coming. - It's not.

- It's snot. - It's coming.

- It's not! - It's snot.

Give me that. I'll fucking do it myself.

God, you kids will do some stupid things.

- You'll soon find it's rock hard. - Oh, he's in.

- Three, two, one. - Ow!

Yes, it's gone!

Oh, you got snot on me.

Am I sorry of sloth? Am I? Fuck.

( hard rock beat playing )

Joycey: The rich.

Now they're a bunch of funny fuckers.

- Oh! - Get him, get him, get him.

What do they do to get off their asses?

( all screaming )

Pull!

( all laughing )

I've gone fuckin' deaf. I can't fuckin' hear nothing.

This is rabbits. This is what the toffs like to do

when the peasants step onto their land.

Go for the bollocks.

( screaming ) My fuckin' nuts!

- Oh, fuck! - It's a go.

Run, rabbit, run, rabbit, run run run!

- Let's have it. - Ow!

- Ah! - Oh! Oh!

- Oh! - Ah!

Um, what the fuck am I doing?

Aha! Ah!

- Ah! - Ow!

Oh, right in my bunny boobs!

Ah! Fuck!

Oh! I want no-- fuck that!

Fuck!

- Right on the ankle-- fuckin' boom. - ( all laughing )

- Joycey: Go on, take another hit. - I can't fuckin' walk, Dan.

( man scatting in rap song )

# You know what I mean? #

# Know what I mean? #

This is a challenge to see who's the laziest,

who's the most stupid,

who can take the most amount of pain

without leaving their La-Z-Boy.

Let's see how lazy Pritchard is.

- Do it. - Oh I can't , it's not working.

- Joking. - ( pellet gun firing )

( grunting )

Dainton: Hey!

- ( laughing ) - Ah. It's fuckin' so much agony, man.

- Fuckin'- - - Oh, Christ!

- Right, you ready? - Yeah.

Ah! Cha cha cha cha cha cha!

Cha-da da da da! Oh!

- ( men laughing ) -"Da da da!"

( groans )

I lost the La-Z-Boy challenge

so it's cock action time.

( all laughing )

- Oh, look at him! - He's got grey hairs.

He's got grey hairs on his pubes.

Oh, am I really gonna do this?

- How am I going to perform? - Get on with it!

- Just get on with it! - All: Oh!

Three, two, one!

Oh, God!

I pressed the trigger, it didn't go!

- Three, two, one. - ( fires )

Another. Do another one!

I'm not gonna-- I won't , I won't , I won't !

Boys, you want to see it?

Oh, no no!

- ( shot fires ) - ( screams )

You're dead!

You're dead, you're dead!

I'm dead. Pritchard versus Dainton.

He is dead. ( laughing )

Three, oh...

two, one.

( laughing )

Ah!

I didn't think it would hurt my skull.

# You know what I mean? #

# You know what I mean? #

Ah!

Taught you then.

- Watch it. - Hey!

Don't mess around!

- Rah! - ( screams )

You freak!

- You pig! - Keep crying, keep crying.

- Holy fuck! - It went in. It went in my finger.

Right on my nail!

Daint, you fuckin' penis!

- Dainton: Jesus Christ. - Fuckin' penis licker!

Knew I shouldn't have fuckin' trusted you.

Oh, I'm gonna faint.

Don't play fuckin' darts with Dainton.

( echoing ) Right in the fuckin' nail.

Right in the fuckin' nail.

Twat!

# All you lovely ladies #

# You're lookin' fuckin' fine #

# You're looking fuckin' fine. #

Joycey: You can't drink that.

So what about a rogue finger?

Here we go-- big or small, fuck 'em all.

( men laughing )

( Joycey's voice echoing ) So what about a rogue finger?

This is just a quick example

of whether I'm proper slothed out or not.

- Stretch it a bit more. - Dainton: Come on!

# Kick back recline... #

# Make her move your waistline... #

But there's no way I will fuck with him now.

Pancho: #You're lookin' fuckin fine... #

I'm gonna shoot sloth to anger

in one easy move.

( Joycey laughing )

Shh, he's going green.

Shh.

( growls )

Right, if we're gonna try and turn Pancho into "The Incredible Hulk,"

we need to cut his clothes up.

We've been trying to do this for five years.

There's something I draw the line at.

Jim Hickey: What?

- There's no way-- - ( men laughing )

Stop it, that's fuckin' male-- stop it.

- Fucking stop it. - Jim: What are they doing?

- Joycey: That's fuckin' funny, man. - Not funny.

- Shut up. - Jim: What are they doing?

- Shh. - Jim: What are they doing?

I'm not gonna-- I'm not-- shh!

I'm not-- shut up!

I'm not gonna tell you what they're doing.

But you never thought the Incredible Hulk--

I leave it to your imagination.

Pritchard: Panch!

The sloth to anger, in one easy move.

- ( squirting ) - Dainton: My God.

Pritch, you got his eyes.

What?

You got his fuckin' eyes.

Yeah, but it's watered down.

You're fucked now. You've fucked it.

Oh, fuck off. You're staying here.

That's bullshit.

Fuck off.

Is there a prob-- is there a problem here?

Don't fuckin' have a go at me, mate.

It's naught to do with me.

It's nothing to do with me.

Pancho: Jim, it's fuckin' all to do with you.

- It's not to do with me. - Joycey: It's not Jim, it's not Jim.

Pritchard: Leave Jim alone.

He doesn't even know he looks like the Hulk.

I'm green-- great.

( roaring )

( dramatic music playing )

( film projector clicking )

- Ah! - Oh!

- Oh! - Ahhh!

- There he is-- Paul Weller. - Jim: What's a Paul Weller?

It just wells up.

( Pancho snoring )

Dainton: Of all the things that go bump in the night...

that's Daint.

Daddy's here! ( laughs )

( snoring )

( cries )

( high-pitched ) Ow!

( all laughing )

There's on thing that really fuckin' makes me angry,

and that's his fuckin' snoring.

( gasps )

Dainton: Time for a sleep, Panch.

Come on, boy. Come to Daddy.

Come on!

( buzzing )

My motto in life is "Sleep when you're dead."

So I decided to come to a tattooist in Russia

and have "Sleep when you're dead" tattooed on my leg in Russian.

There's a thousand ways to make Pritchard angry.

But sometimes it's the most simplest of things

that can make a man go fuckin' insane.

It takes a lot to make me angry basically.

Somebody will really have to keep tap-tap pushing

to make-- make...

Can Pritchard spin that coin

for plus 19 and a half seconds dead?

One-- oh, shit.

My relationship with Dainton--

I think that's the only thing that properly

drives me fuckin' angry-- Dainton.

Pritchard is coming tomorrow morning to get a tattoo--

"Sleep when you're dead" -- done on his leg.

Those words are gonna get lost in translation with my translator.

Don't get me wrong, I love it.

It's brilliant. That's the whole Pritchard-versus-Dainton thing.

Let's wake this little piggy up.

If there's anyone that properly does make me angry, it's Dainton.

Not even himself makes me angry, it's just the way he does things.

Daint, you are a ring nut.

It's always a competition between me and him,

but he always gets the upper hand.

I want "Sleep when I'm dead,"

but you need to say, when you translate it...

( tattoo needle buzzes )

He knows-- he knows where my breaking point is...

and when he knows he's reached that breaking point with me,

he will--

he knows to back off then.

- Fucking prick! - ( laughs )

- Fuck you. - You fuckin' punched me in the face.

"Sleep when you're dead" in Russian.

Right on. It must really mean "Beef Stroganoff

and a lovely vodka, thank you very much," but there we go.

- Spasibo. - Ne za chto.

This is gonna fuck him up.

Pritchard: Well, we're in a paintball shooting place.

I'm going to attempt-- and when I say attempt--

attempt to try and beat the world record

of the amount of paintball hits to a human body.

Right, this is a test

to show you how powerful these guns are

that he's gonna be shot with to break the world record.

Hit the bin.

( echoes )

From my experience of being hit by a paintball--

naked, before,

in previous years--

it's absolutely fuckin' painful as fuck.

103 of those to break the world record.

But there isn't even a world record.

( shot echoes )

Right, "Thank you for your interest in the paintball hits record

featured in the 2004 edition of 'T he Guinness World Records.'

The record is currently held by Anthony Kelly" --

that's the man you got to beat--

- "of New South Wales..." - All: Oh!

Maybe there'll be a new record from the New South Wales.

"...in Australia, who took 102 hits

from a distance of five meters.

I have enclosed a record-attempt registration

from which our terms and conditions..." blah blah blah.

"I wish you best of luck in your record attempt

and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours truly, Gerald Davey."

I can actually properly be in "The Guinness Book of Records."

- All: Yeah. - I never knew it was that official.

- Yeah. - Fuckin' hell.

Oh my God. I've fuckin' made me even more nervous.

You ready to roll, Pritchard?

- Yes, Daint! - Come on!

( Joycey shouting)

- ( screams ) - Pancho: 10 down.

- Joycey: 10. - Dainton: 92 to go!

Joycey: Come on, Math, you can do it!

Dainton: Feel the pain.

Oh, Jesus fuckin'- - fuck a duck.

- Go! - ( paintball gun firing )

( shooting stops )

- How many? - 10, 10.

20!

Dainton: ...two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

Ah!

Oh, that fuckin' Anthony Kelly's a fucking right thick cunt.

...three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

Oh!

51, 52...

- Panch, you fuckin' missed. - A lot of those missed.

- Fuck! - Have you been drinking?

- I haven't . - You said you missed three,

- but now you've missed two. - Two or three.

Well, make your mind up.

This is a world record attempt we're breaking, motherfucker.

- You can't have more miss. - I got hit with three.

I felt three-- I was counting them.

- Ready? Three, two, one. - Yeah.

- Ah! - Shoot!

- Oh! - Come on!

You look like fuckin' King Kong spunked on you.

Ah!

Ay-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya! Fuckin' 90!

- Ah! - One, two, three, four, five, six,

- seven, eight, nine, 10! - Ah!

I only need another three, I've fuckin' done it.

Four.

The record's 102. I only need 103.

Only three more and I've fuckin' beaten it.

I'm in that fuckin' great book, baby!

- Whoo! Yeah! - ( all cheering )

For being a right stupid twat!

Come on, Pritch! Here we go, to victory!

Three, two, one!

( all cheer )

Fucking done it!

Yeah!

World record holder-- 103 paintballs to the body.

Kelly, kiss my ass, you did 102.

Jim: Maybe it's gone too far?

Well, Jim, it's gone too far. He looks like he's been hit--

he looks like he's been hit by a fuckin' truck.

He's ecstatic. He said, "I can't wait to phone my mom."

To tell you the truth...

when I realized I'd broken the record,

I mean obviously I knew in my head, I've broken a record,

I was really excited-- I was jumping around telling...

Crew, I've done it!

( mumbles ) Shit.

I mean, as a kid, you always read

"The Guinness Book of Records"

when you have it for Christmas or something like that.

You immediately think, "Oh, I'd love to be in this book."

But, now I'm finally gonna make it in the book.

You all right, Math?

Pritchard: Boys, you wanna see the state of my fuckin' body?

- Let's have a look. - Pritchard: It's fucked.

- Give us a ganders. - Fuckin' ready?

- Let's have a look. - Oh my God!

Oh my fuckin' shit-flaps.

Oh my-- oh my God, look at that.

Look at how savage it is. They're all raised up.

Joycey: Oh, it's fucking hell, man.

Look at that fucker! Oh my God!

Fuck me! Look at that.

That's fucked. I can't even look at it.

That's the good thing about skin, boys. It fuckin' heals.

I've always said, whoever invented it was a fuckin' genius.

( Joycey laughs )

I've never seen anything like that.

I've never seen so much fuckin' carnage on one body

after paintballs.

And when he finds out that-- when he finds out there's no world record--

I made it up on the computer last night--

I'm seriously, seriously in some seriously deep shit.

Pancho: Yeah, you know, Pritchard's fuckin' shaved my hair off

fucking God knows what so many times.

He deserves to be tucked up.

That'll teach the fucker to fuckin' snore.

( snoring )

( buzzing )

( snoring stops )

Breathe.

( snoring )

Both: #Ay ay ay. #

Now we have the peacemaker,

Mikhail Gorbachev.

( muttering )

Right, that is it.

Right-- fuck.

- Pancho. - What?

- What's wrong with you? - What do you mean,

"What's wrong with you?"

Look at his long johns

You-- you knew it was gonna--

Don't punch me.

Oh, just punch me. Go on, punch me.

- Right. - Punch me. Go on, punch me.

Oh!

Whoa.

He's gonna have a shit on him. He's having a shit on him!

You're fucking dead.

This is Russia, this was anger.

He semi-knocked me out then.

Fuck this place, right? This place is so full of anger,

I need some love.

Let me...

Come in here, Dainton!

Oh ho! I love-- whoa!

Get off me!

Take me to Thailand for the ladyboys.

Girl: Dirty boys!

Come inside.

( pop music playing )

( film projector clicking )

( buzzing )

Woman: Dirty boys!

# Oooh! #

# Dirty boys! #

"I love Dainton."

He's gonna go fuckin' nuts.

Right, we're in Bangkok.

Bit of a ghetto area.

Per pound, you can get liposuction done here.

- The ping-pong lady... - Oh!

( faux-ltalian accent ) ...said me too chubby.

Me need to lose weight.

Too chubby, too chubby.

If they can make those ladyboys look fuckin' good...

then there might be hope for me yet. You never know.

- Hello. - Hello.

- I am Pancho. - I'm Dr. Somsak.

Mm-hmm.

Would you say I have a beer belly?

Yes, in compare to your height.

Yeah, I'm a bit overweight, yeah.

Uh-huh, yeah.

But it makes me stronger to party.

This is the real deal, isn't it?

I don't think he realizes how--

I don't think he realizes what he's let himself in for.

How does it feel, taking fat out?

- Oh, some pain. - ( yelling )

Some pain?

- Some pain. - ( both sucking )

This is the fat that come out in the bottle after liposuction.

Ooh.

This is blood, and this is fat.

This is like putting pantyliners on your face.

( lisps ) New, with wings.

I've got to be honest-- I am proper shittin' it.

Time for your medication, Mr. Locke.

Done some stupid, silly stuff in my time,

but this takes the biscuit.

Oh my God, I'm not gonna be able to see what's happening.

( exhales )

The operation's about to begin.

- See the size of that needle. - Pancho: Oh shut up, man.

- Pancho: I can't feel anything yet. - Oh shit.

Has he cut me open?

Pritchard: No.

Oh my God. Fuckin' hell.

Look at the size of that rod.

Ow! Jesus, man.

( yelling )

He gone right down by my hipbone.

( yelling )

No more! Ah. Fuckin' hell, man.

Ow!

Oh fuck! I'm fuckin'- -

Squeeze my hand, man.

Panch, I can see the head. I can see the head, keep pushing.

- Boys, I can't go through much more. - Squeeze my hand, man.

I can't -- it fuckin' feels so bad.

He hasn't even started yet.

- ( yelling ) - Panch, squeeze my hand,

squeeze my hand. Ah! Fuckin' A.

Fingers are diggin' in.

It's all right, man. It's all right, this is it.

That's it. You're done.

( Dr. Somsak speaking )

Oh, they've just started.

"Not done, just start."

- Joycey: Keep your hands up. - Oh no no.

They're about to start sucking the fat out of Pancho's hips.

- Ah! - Savage, man.

Oh whoa whoa whoa! Ow!

Pancho said "Ow."

( Dr. Somsak speaking )

No.

- Eww! - Gosh!

Ow ow ow ow ow!

I told you "Ow" means "More," you fuckin' plonker.

Ah! Fuckin' hell, man!

Shut up! Get out, you fucking bell-end!

Daint, I'm not finding any amusement in this now, right?

I'm really starting to spook out.

( screaming )

( Dr. Somsak speaks )

Ah. Yeah!

Done, Panch, you're done.

That is your fat.

I will give you, so you can take the fat home.

Oh my God, look how much is there.

Oh! Oh my God.

- You're gonna love this. - Oh!

Right, now we've got it.

I think we've got to think of some way to get rid of it.

We're in Bangkok, Thailand,

and it's time to play "Guess the Ladyboy,"

but the thing is I know myself

that all these girls here are ladyboys.

A man or lady?

Um, guy.

- Pritchard: Nice ass on there. - ( techno music playing )

Oh, fuck off, that's a dude.

- That is definitely a bloke. - No, that's definitely not.

He's a man, look. He's got a fuckin' Desperate Dan chin.

- Joycey: Oh, look at that, yeah. - Pritchard: That's a woman.

That's a fuckin' man.

- Look at her hands. - Look at his hands.

- That's a man. - Oh yeah!

That's a dude. Thank you very much.

- Thank you. - Cheers, Roger.

( music stops )

- Jim: We've got to do it! - Jim!

Jim! Are you fuckin' listening?!

I am not kissing a man!

Fuckin' end of story! If it was a fuckin' woman

and I thought it was a fucking woman and it was a man,

my tough shit. I am not kissing a fucking man.

- Joycey: Is one a girl? - Dainton: There's not.

Joycey: Tell him which one it is then. Tell him then.

- Tell him which one it is. - ( Jim speaking )

Dainton: Jim, Jim, Jim...

Is it a woman?

All right, then, brilliant. That's okay then.

Dainton: She has to be a woman.

There's no way someone like that can look like a man.

Which one do you think is a woman?

The one with the stars and stripes on.

- That's a woman? - Yeah.

All right then.

- Oh, this is the one I choose. - ( techno music playing )

I hope it's a fucking woman.

# Kissing... #

Joycey: What do you reckon? What do you reckon, Math?

- Kiss it, Math. - All: Oh!

- Go on then, Dave. - She's supposed to be a woman.

It ain't , is it?

Dainton: That's a man. This is clearly a man.

I can't even look.

Oh!

Pancho: Go for the kiss. Go for the kiss.

- All: Oh! - He just tongued it.

That's it, finished. Nice one, mate. Cheers.

No no! I'm gonna be sick.

( coughing )

I can't --

( vomiting )

Please be a man. What am I saying? Please be a woman.

- "Be a man" ? - She does look pretty good though.

It is a woman, isn't it?

It is a woman, isn't it?

Pritchard: Oh, Dainton, she's got wicked fuckin' knockers.

Oh! And the tongue went in!

I've got a bit of a boner coming.

- And he's got-- - ...in the valleys, Daint.

- They don't take too lightly-- - Whoa whoa! Just in case!

Hello.

Are you a man or are you a woman? Let's have a look.

- Oh-- oh yeah, there's a cock. - It's a man! Oh my God!

Oh Jesus! Fuck!

All right, mate. Yep, let's see what you got.

What have you got? Oh my God!

Reveal.

- Oh, it's a cock. - It's a cock.

Oh Jesus. I know she might be an ugly girl,

but it's not a pretty boy.

- Let's have a look at the crown jewels. - There's a cock in there.

I think there's a cock. No no-- what have we got, what have we got?

- Cock! - There's a cock!

Oh! Fuck! Get off me!

He got himself one of them!

He even got a fuckin' semi-hard-on and everything

and he fucking used his tongue,

when everyone else just kissed him on the lips.

I've got fuckin'- - I've got a missus and kids at home.

What the fuck are they gonna do when they see that?

The missus probably won't kiss me-- oh fuck.

I actually went backstage when you were outside,

and I knew that every single one was a man.

- You're fuckin' dead! - ( yells )

- You fuckin' cunt! - Fuckin'- -!

You set me up with a fuckin' woman-- man, you dick!

You got a boner off a man. Payback.

Oh, fuck off.

"What have you been doing in Thailand, Dainton?"

"Oh, just been hanging out with some ladyboys, you know,

having lap dances. Even got aroused."

( siren wails )

Okay, boys, this is called a game of Bangkok Roulette.

Ning is gonna come in, go under there,

do her business. We've got to try and guess

who she's doing the business on.

But if you get it wrong,

then you'll have to have a bug and down a whiskey.

- And those bugs are fuckin' rank. - Oh shit.

Oh, look at that one. He's got a face.

Oh!

Right then, boys,

- this is my sexy assistant, Ning. - Hello.

She's the one who's going to be pleasuring us tonight.

Dainton: God, they don't hang around, do they?

Right then, boys, down with the pants.

Are you ready to play Bangkok Roulette?

I'm fucking smiling already.

All right then, after three. Three, two, one.

( jingling )

Fuckin' hell, there's some good poker faces here, boys.

Right, that's the 30 seconds up.

Now we've got to guess. We'll start with Dainton.

Who do you think was getting played with?

Boys, I can't tell you because I am being played with.

I thought-- I thought it was you.

It's me!

Can you tell her to stop? I might get a boner.

"Say hello to my little friend."

Get it over and done with. Come on.

Come on, Pritch. It's not a spider.

I just-- sorry, boys, that freaked me out then.

- Why? - A bit of his leg was in my mouth.

Come on, stop stalling.

- These boys are gonna get-- - Go on, chew it.

I can't do it! I don't like bugs!

I don't like fuckin'- -

I don't like ladyboys, but you fuckin' tricked me.

He's fuckin' freaking me out.

Payback, Pritch. Payback.

- Don't be sick on Ning. - Get the leg.

Own up, who was it?

There we go. Look.

- Come on! - It's going in.

Oh, don't be sick now.

( vomiting )

Oh, Jesus!

- Oh! - Ew!

- Don't want to spill. - All: Oh!

- You. - It was me and I got a raging boner.

- Oh no no no no! - ( gags )

Quick quick quick. Come on, Pancho!

( laughing )

Go on, get it down.

You what?

Boys, the bugs ain't even that bad.

I could stay here drinking whiskey and eating bugs all night.

It's like pork scratchings, that's all it is.

Well, let's fuckin' up the ante, then.

- Up the ante? - Yeah, let's do it with something else.

( screaming )

I've got some good stuff here, lads.

- ( all groaning ) - It's my man-fat.

Jesus--!

Probably about 90% proof.

I've set up a little game show. You remember "Family Fortune" ?

This is called "Unfortunate Wank."

We'll do the same thing-- whoever gets wanked off

has to fuckin' down the fat.

What, whichever one she picks?

Yeah. So she's picking who eats the fat.

No way.

Joycey: Whoever gets the wank has to down the man-fat.

Without further ado, Ming, do your thing!

Oh my God.

( all scream )

Sucker!

That looks fucking rank. Look at it.

It's all like bits of fuckin'- -

That's not-- that's not food, man.

That's proper fuckin' Panch fat.

Look, the doctor showed me, right...

This is blood, and this is fat.

It's fucked up. You-- you're in there.

- Dainton: Let's get on with it. - This is fucking cannibalism,

for fuck's sake. You get sent down for this shit.

Well, separate-- separate the blood from the fat.

Pour it in, pour it in, pour it in.

This-- oh! Oh man!

Pritchard: Oh, that is fucking wrong, man.

Pancho: See, there's blood there.

( gagging )

Look-- don't -- there's a bucket there. There's a bucket there.

Oh my God, there's a stringy bit!

Look at it, just dangling!

Pancho: Oh man!

Oh!

Dainton: No shit. This is without doubt

the sickest, fucked-up stunt we've ever-- we've ever done.

If you're in the cinema now watching this,

pull your sick bag out, because this is gonna be fucking needed.

Steak-- lovely, very very rare steak.

It's a very rare steak.

All: Oh!

Oh! Fuck!

Oh my God.

Oh God!

All right, I'm gonna fucking do this again

and I'm gonna keep it down this time.

I don't want to be a part of this anymore.

- This has gone too far. - It's just smooth water.

It's just smooth water.

Relax, calm calm calm.

Relax, swallow.

Dainton: Gulp, gulp it.

Gulp.

Go on-- it's tomato juice.

- Yeah! - I've just eaten a fuckin' man,

for fuck's sake!

- ( groans ) - If you haven't gone

for your doggy bag yet...

you're as equally as fucked as these bastards.

Welcome to "Dirty Sanchez." I've just eaten a man.

Here we are! Phi Phi!

We've just done lust, now it's time for envy.

Ooh, don't . That was nice.

All right, boys, you just arrived in Phi Phi.

Nice, isn't it?

- Lovely, Dainton. - It is.

There's a price to pay for everything, though, isn't there?

Exactly, because this is the deal, yeah?

- We're gonna have a little crab race. - I don't like crabs!

Two crabs that are winners,

those guys get to stay in the beautiful accommodation...

( speaks Thai ) Welcome to Zeavola.

This is a five-stars property.

For those who stay here, they can relax, enjoy and being lazy.

...and the guys with the slowest crabs,

gotta go in-- the accommodation is a rat-infested shithole

on the other side of the island.

Luckily, Daint, I think I picked up crabs in fucking Bangkok,

- and these are fast fuckers. - Go on, Number Two.

- Come on, Number Four. - Give me. Give me rock.

Come on, crab. Come on!

Yes! Mine's out first!

- Come on. Come on, boy. - ( cheering )

I bloody spurred yours. I made yours win!

I was given a fucking crab that wasn't even alive,

that was never going anywhere. I was always sleeping in the tin fucking-hut.

I'm gonna make you sick with envy when you see my place. Come on.

Do you want to come and have a look at my little pad?

I'd rather wank my old man off, Panch.

Welcome to Zeavola.

Oh, boys, I do see our swimming pool.

- Joycey: Oh, fuck off! - Pritchard: Oh my God!

( laughs )

Well, it looks like fucking shantytown to me already.

- ( groans ) - Oh, look at that.

Shoes off, Joyce. Just look at this place.

Fit for a king. Fit for a king!

( all laugh )

- Oh my God. - Oh, dude.

Look at what I'll see in the morning when I wake up.

Joycey: This takes the piss.

There's cockroaches on the bed!

- Where? Let's have a look. - I can't sleep in here.

I told you. At least there's a bit of porn on the wall.

Ooh, look. We've got lights in here.

I thought they were fairy lights.

They're just holes in the ceiling. ( laughs )

I tell you what-- I think there's a few fucking rats in the ground here.

- Oh what? - You said rat-infested.

There's a fucking red ants' nest up in the tree

- in that pair of old stinking pants. - Joycey: There is as well.

I ain't fucking staying here. I can tell you that now.

You've got to. It's "Sanchez Rule."

"Sanchez Rule" has always been the same:

You lose, you fucking stick the consequence.

But Daint, there's fucking bugs everywhere.

- I'm fucking not-- - Whoa, man!

- Fuck, look at the size-- - See what I mean?

We can't fucking sleep here.

He's carrying half a tree. You've got to stay here.

You lost fair and square, we won fair and square.

Yeah, but you're in a seven-star fucking hotel.

Welcome to Zeavola.

If I'm staying in here, I'm gonna make sure

you go back to that hotel fucking pissed off.

Like how? I'm going back to the hotel--

- Do you want to fucking see? - I'm going back to the hotel

with the biggest grin on my face knowing that you're stuck in this proper--

this is worse than I described.

Yeah, but when you go back to the hotel...

you're going to be proper pissed off when you see this.

"I love Dainton."

- Dainton, are you not envious of that? - You're fucking sick!

- Aren't you envious of that? -"I heart Dainton."

Are you sure you don't want to share your seven-star room

- with me now, love? - Who's envious now, eh?

- Is that fucking real? - Yeah.

Try and rub it off, Dainton.

( needle buzzes )

Pritch, you can't have fucking "I love Dainton" on your cock!

You don't fucking love me, you hate me.

By the end of this I'm going to make sure you really hate me.

You're going to want to chop your own cock off.

I tell you-- I'm going to fucking knock you out.

Oh, fucking hell! It's never-fucking-ending!

( paintball gun firing )

There's no record for the most paintballs to the body.

- Oh fucking God! - ( guys laughing )

That fucking Anthony Kelly, he's a right thick cunt.

- ( guys laughing ) - You fucking wanker!

Yes!

- Yes! - The whole letter, it was fake.

103 fucking bullets to my fucking body and there's no such thing?

I'm in that fucking great book, baby!

Whoo! Yeah!

I've got 103 bullet holes in my fucking body

for fucking no reason at all!

( shrieks, laughs )

I'm sorry, this is fucking amazing!

This is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

103 fucking bullet holes-- what else are you gonna do to me?

- Knock you out! - You're gonna catch malaria

- staying in this shithole tonight. - I'll tell you what--

that's fucking it now. You've pissed me off so fucking much,

- let's have a fight. - You wanna fight?

Yeah, I'll fight you, Thai boxing,

in the boxing ring. Fucking yeah. Tomorrow.

Right. No shit. I'll take you up on that.

This might be the last time we fucking shake hands.

Don't take it to heart if I knock you out

and I won't take it to heart if you knock me out,

but I'm gonna come out tomorrow night fucking swinging.

You had better be, because I'll be swinging like a fucking windmill.

( siren blaring )

Pritchard: I am fucking starving.

- I haven't eaten all fucking day. - I'll eat anything.

They put us-- Pancho and Dainton

are sitting there, champagne fucking dinner...

- Champagne, Panch? - It's like cracking open an egg.

Crack on.

Joycey: This place is a fucking shithole.

Take me the fuck out of here!

Phi Phi, fuck me,

this place is a fucking wankville!

Here's to happy days... in Phi Phi.

- At least you shit-- - Ah! Look at that fucking spider!

- Stay there, stay there, stay there! - No no no no, don't ! Don't !

- Joycey: Stay there! - There's a fucking--

Uh, grilled lobster.

Caught today, please.

- Joycey: Oh my God. - ( groans )

Can I have my food sprinkled with the magic of Thailand, please?

What's that, chili sauce?

( Joycey mumbles )

Ah. Ah. You fucking--

Ah! Crap!

( retches )

- Bonjour, monsieur. Enjoy the view. - Tres bien.

- Spider. ( laughs ) - Ah!

Where?! Fuck off.

Where the-- hurry up, turn the light on! Turn the light on!

- ( Pritchard yelps ) - Joycey: Fuck off!

- Watch! Watch! - Pritchard: Fucking what's that?

Joycey: Say it! Say it!

Oi, fucking get your arse-- oi, Pritch, it's fight day.

Come on, man. You're the winner.

- ( thuds ) - He just whacked his head on that.

( laughs )

Shit. That's a good start to a fucking training day.

497, 498,

499, 500!

You're fucking dead, Pritchard!

Aww, look at the little chicks.

( chicken clucks )

10 more! Come on!

( grunts )

- Go on! Use him as a body bag! - Ah!

I'm gonna get him. I'm gonna get him.

- Say "I'm a tiger." - I'm knackered.

This fucking fight ain't gonna last two minutes.

( crowd yelling )

This is the deal. Pritchard versus Dainton, battle of the dickheads.

- Do you wanna see my killer moves? - Joycey: Yeah.

This time he's taken it one step too far.

Whoo! Whoo! Bam!

I am going to fucking unleash the beast.

Might get my cock out. He'll be like "Oh, what you doing?"

- Boff. - I'm not gonna fucking play with him.

I'm not gonna be nice to him.

- ( bottle clatters ) - Oh! Oh.

It was a spider or a rat.

There's no kissing, there's no hugging

and there's no fucking tickling tonight.

Oh, tickle-tickle.

The Finisher.

Dainton's gonna kick his ass!

Ladies and gentlemen!

- Pritchard! Dainton! - ( cheering )

( Crowd chanting ) Go go go go go go...

( crowd whistling )

Fucking get over there! One more!

- ( bell dings ) - Whoo!

Yeah, man!

That's so hard, man. It's not as easy as it looks.

I hit him with the first, the first of the match.

He went down. I thought he weren't gonna get back up.

But he ain't got the prize.

He stayed down-- fucked, gone, game over.

I'll regain my pride through stupidity, I think.

Well, Pritchard, we're off to Japan next,

a country that is fucking driven by pride.

( all yell ) Let's get fucking bollixed!

Let's get fucking bollixed!

( rock music playing )

Huh! Tokyo.

- You movie star! - ( speaks Japanese )

This challenge is called the Spunky Dunky Challenge.

We're all gonna go to the toilets with a camera--

just to make sure that no one's cheating--

and we're gonna spunk in a dunky,

and the one with the least amount of spunk...

has gotta wear the spunky dunky.

( jazz music playing )

Fuck, here I am. Made it to the toilet.

Now I've gotta have a fucking wank.

I had a room on my own last night

for the first time in fucking three weeks,

and l-- and a fucking powerful bidet jet that goes up my ass.

I took full advantage of it and I had five wanks.

You ain't seeing my fucking come-face either.

Is he gonna come out with a load in the condom?

Is he gonna come out with a poor show?

If he comes out with a load--

I don't wanna say this, but we're gonna have to check the footage.

How much you got? - Any good?

( Joycey laughs )

( jazz music plays )

Oh, there's some romantic music in there while he's doing it.

Where's Dainton's glass?

Which one's Dainton's glass?

Oh, this is wrong, man. This is Dainton having a wank.

- Why is he saying "Pritch" ? - Shut up.

Fuck! Can't even get a fucking hard-on!

Did you keep thinking about us at any point?

I thought about Dainton quite a bit, yeah.

Pritchard: Oh, that's less than me!

Yes! I'm not getting it!

Oh, fucking hell!

The music was one of the big factors in me having a hard time wanking.

This music is really putting me off.

Panch has been so long in the toilet with the camera

having a wank that Dan has to go down with my camera.

Gays take these into bog toilets,

right, so that when--

when he meets another cottager,

he puts his feet into it whilst the other one blows him off,

so when the attendant looks under

he sees a bag and one set of feet.

Daint-- Daint taught me that.

You've been dipping your condom in there, haven't you?

You dipped it in there, didn't you?

Because you knew I'd go for that instead.

Yeah, I have been.

- Fucking twat! - Don't --

- Did you fucking do that? - You should've drunk out of your glass.

- Did you do that? - I put some come in there.

Boys, that was hard fucking work.

- You're sweating! - He's sweating!

That was so fuck-- so much hard work.

Panch, if I was you, I'd drink out of that,

because he put a fucking jimmy in my pint.

That was-- that was a proper under-pressure wank.

Look.

- Well, you drink out of that then. - Pour some in there.

L-- I've just fucking drunk two pints.

I don't trust any fucker on this team.

I ain't drinking out of it.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Jesus Christ.

- Yeah, it's your cock, it don't matter. - No, l--

It ain't my fucking cock. Just fucking drink it.

I've fucked with people's glasses.

We've just had this argument. There's fuck all wrong with it.

- ( gags ) - ( laughs )

You've tampered with that.

I haven't tampered with it.

I'm just good at fucking pulling my plonker.

That's a fucking endurance test.

How fucking hard is that?

We've all been to the toilet, we've done the fucking deed.

As embarrassing as it was, it's fucking crunch time.

All: Two, one.

- Joycey! - Yeah!

Oh, yes!

- It's going all in his hair. - ( yells )

Jim: Oh, that looks good.

That's it, slow. Slower.

Blow it up! Blow it up!

Blow it up, Dan, blow it up.

- Blow it till it pops! - ( pops )

I may be the winner, but I'm the--

I'm the loser, aren't I?

( rock music playing )

We're in Japan.

We're about to meet the Tokyo Shock Boys.

( yells )

Their stunts and our stunts.

( all yelling )

- Welcome to Japan. - Bummer, man.

( speaks Japanese )

- Hello. - Hello.

We're in Japan, it's your country.

Let's fucking see how the Tokyo Shock Boys rock.

Okay, okay.

Here we go.

- This is beer. - Okay.

Come on, come on, come on. Okay.

Oh my God! How the fuck do you do that!

Cheers.

Cigarette.

Well, I honestly haven't a fucking clue what he's doing this time.

( yells )

Fucking hell! Fucking hell!

I can give you... good thing.

Oh, it better not be your cock.

Next, you!

It's time to shock the Shock Boys!

We've invented a new game. This is called "Bum Drum."

- New game. - Yeah, what we do is he sticks

one up his bum, I stick one up mine and we drum sticks,

and the first one to fall out gets a Dirty Sanchez.

Every man knows-- on a blind date,

you always use the best lube there is-- a bit of spit.

Go!

It's a good fight!

Shit!

It's all right. It's not that bad.

Don't know what you're whingeing about.

Stop!

Smell bad!

The Japanese like their tea, so I'm gonna brew them some up.

( speaks Japanese )

( guys yelling )

- Give it a swing now. - Swing it.

I think the kettle's boiled!

Daint! Dainton!

Dainton! Fuck off, Dainton!

Right, now they're in for a finale.

This stuff is about to go down the pan.

Let the beer enema begin!

- Right, you ready? - Ready.

Stop it! No more! Don't do it.

- Stop it! - Go on, Dan.

Right, boys.

Have you got any more squirt in there?

No no no no! Ah!

You must come back to Britain with us

and we'll do a show together and party together.

No way!

Ta-ta, Daint.

- These Japanese wrestlers-- - They're hard as fuck.

- We're gonna take them out? - What do Japanese wrestlers do?

Extreme Japanese wrestlers.

Fight with glass and barbed wire.

I know there's one stunt they do

where they shove glass into their fucking forehead like that.

No! No!

And I can tell you which ones have had it done.

He's had it done, he's had it done

- and he's had it done. - We're out here laughing--

like laughing and shit-- and when we walk through the door,

they're gonna be in there just going...

He looks quite mild, that one. He looks fucking harmless.

( growls )

Check out Mens there, though.

That's pain and pleasure. That's his jizz face.

I was smiling like that last night when I sat on the toilet

with this hot jet of water spraying my cornhole.

Panch, I think you're the closest one

resembling one of those wrestlers.

- I think they're gonna-- - I probably look like numerous ones

seeing as I look like fucking everyone under the sun anyway.

You've looked like-- you've looked like--

you've looked like the Incredible Hulk,

you've looked like fucking Gorbachev...

"I want the U.S.S.R. To continue the way it is."

...and now you look like every one of these on there.

All the baldies.

- Fucking Jesus Christ! - That's fucking barbed wire.

- Hello. - Oh my God.

I think we've got into a bit of shit here, boys.

We've got our own costumes, our own little funny costumes.

Yeah, we have.

Put our-- put our outfits on.

Watch it, I'll knock you out, mate!

I got my-- I got my own--

whoa! Whoa!

Don't push-- don't push me in!

( laughing )

( laughing )

We was laughing earlier.

That's definitely a nervous grin now.

He's pointing at me.

Ah! Ah!

Fucking hell!

Whoa whoa whoa!

Right, your fucking turn!

No no no. No more.

- Oh! Look at that! - That kick in the back is fucked.

Go on! Get off me!

- Hey, you. - Get in, get in, get in.

Oh, he's fucked.

He's pinned his dick!

- That looked fucking savage, that. - Oh, it was horrible, man.

And they played with your cock and all.

- They stretched it a bit, though. - I know. I know.

There was no thrill in that.

- Look at his tail. - It's all in the tail, isn't it?

( choking )

- Pigsy! - Pigsy! Me monkey!

Dainton: Look at them all! Look at them all!

Right, let's go get drunk, boys!

What are we doing inviting these boys out on the piss with us in Japan?

- I don't know. Let's go. - We're professional drinkers, though.

- Yeah. - Time for some saki.

- Saki! - Ah!

Son of a bitch.

The Japanese extreme wrestlers have stripped us of our pride...

so we're gonna play a good old, er--

a game that we do back in Wales...

and we're gonna flip the box.

Whichever end this lands on... equals a forfeit.

- Good man. - I reckon he's gonna get green.

- ( vocalizes tune ) - Ooh.

He's just picked the mallet with the pins on it,

and he's chosen to go for the shoulder.

And to tell you the truth, I don't wanna fucking hit him,

because he's bigger than me.

- Check out-- check out the scars. - And look at the scars.

Check out the scars on this guy.

We thought we had a lot of fucking scars.

And do you think that's gonna do fuck all to him?

Three, two-- oh, I don't wanna do it!

- Come on. - That hurt my pride.

- You want more? - I don't -- I don't like.

Eeny meeny miney moe...

( whispers ) Please have the nasty one.

It's only the fucking staple to the tongue, isn't it?

Stay stay, Pancho. Stay stay.

It's in!

This is my first time in Japan.

I don't even like mustard,

so let's taste wasabi.

Because if I don't like this

and this is going up Pritchard's nose, God forbid.

Let's have a taste.

Ooh, that's a selfish line.

I'm Welsh, Daniel, I don't fuck around.

Oh Jesus.

Not only is it just wasabi, it's mixed with saki.

Three, two, one, in "Sanchez" style, goodbye!

( snorts )

( hacks )

( cheering )

( all chanting ) Wasabi, wasabi, wasabi...

All: Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

( random people speaking Japanese )

( knocks )

Found it, boyo.

It's the one with the fucking ring round it and the blade.

How you feeling?

The best way to-- to slice one's finger off--

one, two, three, four, five.

Fucking hell, Panch!

Just like the Yakuza do, baby!

Put that fucking hand down now.

We're here. Are you ready?

I'm fucking shitting myself.

Panch, how many fucking drinks have you had tonight?

Look, I'll even do the piss test.

I'm gonna fucking get my pride back by chopping my finger off.

Pritch, you're not gonna chop it off, though-- Pancho is.

- Pancho ain't fucking doing it. - He fucking is.

- Fuck off, he's a fucking pisshead. - Pritch, Pritch.

( Joycey laughing )

Whoa whoa whoa whoa!

- Whoa whoa! - Felt like Dogtanian for a minute.

This is the tip of his finger, and this is how far in we wanna go.

Right, here we go.

Pancho set the gauntlet.

Daint, he can't even fucking shoot a gun fucking straight.

- I'll put my finger there, Jim. - And I'm gonna go...

- Oh! - If I manage to have

my finger chopped off by Pancho...

you have to stand in the middle of a Japanese street singing karaoke

- with a song of my choice. - Well, that's a deal, Pritch.

You're too pissed, you're too fucking clumsy.

- You ain't fucking doing my finger. - I'm fine.

- Look, Panch, you're not doing it. - Joycey: How you gonna do it?

I chose myself the cigar cutter.

- That's a very classy way of doing it. - I'm a posh man, Daniel.

Well, to tell you the truth,

I'm fucking... shitting myself.

- Panch. - I don't even wanna look.

I didn't want to be affiliated with this anyway.

- Well, he's bats. Use your reason. - Yeah.

Are you sure, Pritch, are you sure?

- Time to moan. - Definite?

- I can't even look. - Right. Are you ready?

- Go. - Three, two, one.

( "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" playing )

# Do you really want to hurt me? #

Fuck a duck! Motherfucker!

- Fucking hell, man. - Yeah, it's fucking right off, boys.

Boys, I've fucking regained my pride!

# In my heart the fire's burning... #

- Gaylord. - Look at his cock!

# Choose my color, find a star... #

Boys, I can see the fucking bone.

- I can see the fucking bone. - Fuck off!

- Fuck off! - Oh, fuck. Fuck a duck!

Yeah, motherfucker! I've regained my pride!

Who's fucking pussy boy now?!

I may have lost the fight, but I've regained my pride.

- Look, it's still in the end there! - Oh, fucking hell.

- Math, can I eat it?! - No no, don't fuck around!

- Eat it. Eat it. - Can I eat it?

- No, don't fucking eat it! - I wanted to--

No, you can't fucking eat it!

- Eat it. - No!

- Eat it! - No, don't , don't !

Dan, don't fucking eat it!

- Go on, Dan! - Don't eat it!

It tastes fucking weird, man!

- Oh, you spat it out! - Yeah, I couldn't do it, man.

It's all fleshy!

That's right, I'm pink.

And pink might mean pussy.

But this pink guy is now a fucking superhero.

And this superhero is called Pinky Dinky Dainty,

and he's gonna fuck Pritchard's world.

Bring on Mexico, Pritch.

( mariachi music playing )

Today is the day where we meet Myke Hawke.

He's gonna take us into the desert,

and we're gonna spend two days in this fucking soaring heat...

er, just living off the desert, basically. And Myke Hawke...

is gonna teach us how to fucking do it.

Like a bike. Kick him, kick him over like a bike.

You don't kick a bike over like that!

Where's the fucking Hawke?

- No, don't do that, man. - Leave it there.

It's cursed.

It's like you don't fucking go

and fuck with Tutankhamen's tomb, do you?

Well, you just fisted a fucking dead cow.

I'm fisting a cow!

Oh, that's a bit of love.

Oh my God. What the fuck is that?!

- Who the fuck is this? - Is this Myke Hawke?

- All right, Myke? - You miserable,

gluttonous... maggots.

( chuckles )

You've been feeding your faces...

- ( mariachi music plays ) - ( Joycey laughing )

You've been stuffing chow down your pieholes...

throwing booze down your throat.

And now you're gonna pay for your sins.

- Oh, fuck. - For your gluttony...

this is the reckoning.

And we're getting ready to get downright primitive on your ass.

My name is Hawke...

and we're getting ready to have what I call a come-to-Jesus party.

Look at that fucking cock!

- What is that? - You've got a big wart on yours.

- Daint. - It's a dick, what do you think it is?

- You've been getting a bit of wind? - No, there's no wind.

- That's how my dick is. - That's a semi.

Joycey: So, Hawke, are you scared of anything?

Hawke: To be quite honest-- no.

I mean, the way I look at it is...

everything that's alive can be killed. And I'm pretty mean.

- Pritchard: Ever done dry bumming? - Hawke: Dry bumming?

Okay, gents, now it's time to do a little bit of hunting.

Okay, got a couple of techniques for you.

One is a bola.

- Are you familiar with that? - No.

- ( Joycey laughing ) - ( screams )

- My jones! - Good old-fashioned slingshot.

Ready?

Now, the whole thing about these little critters--

- they die easy. - Hands out of the way!

Daint, you're pulling back.

Bollocks! You fucking try it!

So once you whack him, go up there and stomp on his head

or club his head or something to make sure you finish him off.

( guys laugh )

And then you gotta practice a little bit with it

- so you get your aim down. - Fat ass, are you ready?

- No, but carry on. - That hit his plums!

That hit his fucking plums!

You've smacked the plate in my arm where my arm is broke.

How I fucking missed that ass, I don't fucking know.

Lesson one:

Don't play with these.

( rock music playing )

All right, ladies-- it's that time.

( Hawke speaking )

That's a snake, isn't it?

Hold out your hand and receive your chow.

- Joycey: Oh, no! - Dainton: Holy shit!

That's it. You've got it.

I don't want it going up my top.

Oh, man, I don't know if I can do this.

- ( yelling ) - Just poke it--

Oh, fuck!

He stung you?

- Oh, you can't do that! - Hawke: There you go.

- Now cook it. - Oh, you can't do it.

- Hawke: Cook it. - I just have.

Joycey: How the fuck did Panch just do that, man?

- Fuck! Fucking hell! - It's still alive.

- Oh, I'm starving. - Put him back on the normal floor.

Oh my fucking God, he's eating the fucking sting!

- Not much flavor to him... - There you go.

- Just like that. - ...but it's food,

and my stomach is fucking loving it.

I can't believe you fucking did that.

- I'm not doing that. - I know what's coming to me,

- I think. - You can't eat spiders though.

- Fuck. - Oh my God! No no no!

Fucking no! I'll fucking starve.

- But killing it-- - lamscaredoffuckingspiders.com

This is looking one in the face--

that you're afraid of-- stabbing that fucker...

It will bite me.

...and eating it. No, he won't .

That's a big, bad, furry bastard right there.

Whack him.

Get your knife ready. Get your knife ready.

Oh! Daint! Don't fuck around now!

I've got a fucking knife in my hand!

I could easily stab you and cook you!

Actually, that's -- I fucking almost span out.

- There it is. - Fucking hell!

Put it on the fire. Straight on the fire.

He's gonna cry. He's gonna cry.

- He's in tears. - What's the matter, Math?

- Joycey: What's the matter? - Dainton: Oh, that's fucking wrong.

Just rip off a limb, stuff it down your throat.

( Dainton gags )

- There you go, you've done it. - You're in, you're in.

- Chew chew chew. - ( strained ) Oh, crikey.

- Way to lead. - Cheers, Hawke, you fucking cunt.

( hip-hop music playing )

I know you boys are hungry, I know you've worked hard...

and I promised you some Kentucky Fried Chicken.

So, I am from Kentucky...

this is a chicken and you're gonna fry it.

Boys, I'm not doing this for the fun of it.

- Well then, let's get on with it. - Pritch.

- Most humane way, please. I'm starving. - Dan?

- Yeah, no, I'm -- - He's watching.

If you're ready to do it your way, that's cool.

- Dan, do you wanna do it? - I wanna go for the machete.

That's the only way I wanna do it,

because I don't like touching fucking birds.

We've gotta fucking eat something, boys.

We have to eat something. He's gotta--

- Which way do you want me to kill him? - Would you do the boot?

I'm not-- I'm not-- I'm not doing it.

- I'm not even eating it. - You're not eating it?

If I can't kill it, I'm not eating it. No way.

- ( groans ) - Just pray for him,

send him to a happy place.

( clucking )

( melancholy music playing )

Pritchard: I think the only fact I couldn't eat it

is because it's more domesticated.

It actually looks like it's got feelings and stuff.

You look at a fucking tarantula and a scorpion...

to me, they haven't got feelings.

They're just this thing that walks along the floor

and just looks horrible and ugly.

But a chicken looks nice-- it's feathery,

looks like it's got a bit of personality.

- It's , you know-- - Dainton: Pritch, what do you want--

- leg or breast? - Breast.

He's actually quite nice.

- Dainton: What's his name? - Derek.

- Derek? - Derek. Derek the chicken.

What we have here is a very simple...

case of mind over matter.

I don't mind and they don't matter.

- ( guys laugh ) - But seriously,

once they've walked across the fire...

then they've paid their penance for their sin of gluttony

and they'll be free to relax and enjoy themselves

until go on their way to their next mission.

( Hawke speaking )

Joycey: Yes!

Ah! Eeh. Ooh.

- Whew. - Joycey: How is it?

- Whoo! - ( blues playing )

- That is some mean shit! - ( Dainton laughs )

- Pritchard: Ready, boys? - Pancho: Come on, Pritch.

Three, two, one.

( screams )

( belches )

Let's do it.

Hawke, have you enjoyed the time you've spent with us?

- It's been better than masturbation. - ( guys laughing )

- Oh, what? - Oh, this is so fucking gay!

Are we ready to leave the desert?

Almost.

You have one more thing to do.

Oh, fuck off.

You've got one minute

to crack all the Myke Hawke jokes...

that you can.

I'm holding the head of Myke Hawke.

That's enough.

Thank you very much.

Gentlemen, you've paid your full penance

for your sin of gluttony...

and you are now

- free to leave the desert. - ( both cheer )

Pritchard: Party time, boys!

( "You Got to Leave" playing )

# Who'd have thought, who'd have thought #

# You'd get the devil down on his knee? #

# Holy smoke, holy smoke #

# Only if you will remain #

# Hot time down on the ground #

# You're causing a crowd, the trouble is pride #

# And you are pointing it wide, when it's dark it's dark #

# And you will lose your heart #

# Pick it up and go back to the start... #

Dainton: Right, simple. Dead easy.

Stuff as much of this in your mouth as you can.

The person that takes the least amount of money in their mouth

has gotta make a simple phone call to their mom.

Yeah, but there's a distinct disadvantage here.

I haven't played up on the small-man thing.

You know, I've done fucking all the stunts so far.

But look at my gob.

That's how far I can open it.

The dentist has even told me I've got a problem.

( laughing )

Go.

Oh God, he's being sick! 30 seconds, Panch.

25 seconds, Pritch.

Oh, that's semi-cheating that is.

It'll make you heave. ( gags )

Joycey: Fucking what?

Well that's fucking-- that's fucking unfair.

Who had the least amount of money in their mouth?

- It's a fix, Daint. - It's always a fix.

Well, you said get your money in your mouth.

Everyone has just gone like that.

No, because there was no rules, just "put the money in your mouth."

Well make it more clear next time.

Well, it's too late now, you've lost.

Did you or did you not say that the winners

get to write the loser's script?

- Yeah, I did, yeah. - Dainton: Exactly. What are we doing?

We're writing the loser's script.

Oh, no!

Joycey, don't be too fucking sick, for fuck's sake.

Right.

( Pritchard's mom speaking )

Hiya, Mom.

How you doing?

Yeah, not bad. Just in the Dominican Republic.

"Mom, from the moment I was born

I have been thinking of returning

to that special heavenly place,

those lips parting across my face

as you pushed me out...

of your heavenly love hole.

I want-- I want to return where I belong.

I want to put my lips

around your soft delicious nipples once again."

- ( mother laughing ) -"The thoughts I have

for you are uncontrollable.

L-- I want-- I want--

I want to dry bum you."

- Pritchard! - Sorry I offended you.

Right, speak to you later.

- Ta-ta. Ta-ta. - Ta-ta, love.

Wankers!

( Joycey imitating pirate ) Let me tell you about the angry pirate.

Bird is giving you a blow-job, she is, see. Enjoying it down there.

You're about to reach the point of climax, about to come,

so you pull your cock out of her mouth and spunk in her eye.

And then she's all sore in her eye.

You kick the little bird in the shin, she hobbles around

- like an angry pirate. - ( guys laughing )

Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna give

the angry pirate a go. We're gonna go with some rum.

Three, two, one.

Ar! Ar! Ar! Fucking hell!

What the fuck is that?! Fucking acid!

Three, two, one.

( yelling )

Open your eye, open your eye! Open your eye!

( grunts, yelling )

Dainton: Open your eye! Open it!

- ( yelling ) - Shin! Shin!

Open up. Open up.

- Oh my God, it's -- - You're not angry enough.

- You're not angry enough. - Arr!

Pancho, last night when you were asleep in the car,

we nicked your money and spent it in a casino!

Right, over there is a vehicle.

Who's inside it? Well, someone is missing.

( snoring )

Is that a-- is that a bifta in your hand?

( groans )

Get the fuck off.

I thought there's no way I'd lost that money!

- It was in my shirt, wasn't it? - We lost it!

Hang on a minute.

I've just found his money, and I'm one greedy bastard.

I'm gonna spend it in a casino. Ta-ta, Panch.

Right, Captain Panch.

Do you wanna win that money back that we took

- and stole from you our greedy selves? - Fucking right, bud.

Pirates of Pain-zance, let the pain begin!

- Go on, Panch, get that money. - Go on, go on.

Joycey: It's one of them, isn't it?

It's the anticipation.

I don't know if I can go through with it.

Here we go.

( bell rings )

Fucking stop it!

That got you going.

Dainton: But he didn't take the money!

- He didn't get the money! - It's impossible. Fuck off!

- That's mine! - Your turn, Daint. What you having?

I've got a wicked plan up my sleeve for you, Daint.

We get loads of money-- basically, on the bottom

there's gonna be loads of pins-- drawing pins--

and we're gonna put the money on top of it.

You've gotta put your hand on it,

and we're gonna smash your hand down,

and you've gotta get your money that way.

What-- what about forehead? Do it on the forehead again?

- Forehead? - Yeah.

- Fuck right off! - Three, two, one.

Fucking hell!

Oh my God, look at that!

That's fucking graphic!

- Get a photo of that, man. - Oh, Daint.

Fucking hell, it's pulling out...

I'm willing to gamble 1,000 of this back

for you to take a gob in the mouth.

- Oh, Daint. - A gob in the mouth?

- No, it's fucking rank. - Dainton: Come on.

- What do you mean? - Spit in his mouth. He don't like spit.

He's got a phobia of spit. Would you rather get run over by a car

- or someone spit in your mouth? - Run over by a car.

( hawks )

Right, ready?

All in his mouth!

- He looks so green! - ( gags )

- Man overboard! - Quick, set the sails. Let's fuck off!

We're backstage in, er,

The Voodoo Lounge in the Dominican Republic

about to do a pain auction. Pain equals money.

What do we like? Money. What does it equal? Greed.

Are you guys ready

- for some fun tonight? - ( cheering )

Come on!

Okay, we've got lot number one.

This is the fishing rod ear.

Stick it in there!

So do we have anyone who wants to pay some money for that?

- ( man yells ) - I have a lady there.

Lady with the big tits. Whoa, sold for 150.

- Go! Come on! - ( yells )

Come on, pull it!

Pull!

Joycey: Who wants to start the bid off?

100 to see Panch get smashed on the head with some pots.

Can we have 60? 80!

Shoeshine boy, 90!

All: Five, four, three,

two, one. Go!

That sex pest over there, number five. Yes, 50.

( grunts )

Dainton, voodoo therapy, stick it in there!

Whoa! ( yelling )

For 30. Can I see that 30? Yes.

All: Five, four, three,

two, one!

- He's in fucking agony. - It fucking kills!

Get it out! It's fucking killing, you prick!

Ah! Ah! No no no!

Stop it! Fuck the cameras!

Get it fucking out.

( all chant ) Pancho, Pancho, Pancho, Pancho.

Closed. Sold for 150.

Dainton: Let's get fucking bollixed!

Ladies and gentlemen,

you've been watching "Dirty Sanchez - Live" !

Make some noise!

- ( rewinding ) - ( all screaming )

The Devil: Boys, boys, boys...

that was really some performance out there.

Tattooed penises, dismemberment,

cannibalism--

you boys really blaze a trail.

Do you have anything to say for yourselves?

I have got something to admit.

Pancho hasn't got any eyebrows left.

No, that ain't -- fuck.

- Better fucking not be. - Gone.

Guys, knock the fuck out now.

No, it is, isn't it?

I need a fucking wash.

Fuck it!

He obviously doesn't want his life back.

I'm fucking serious, man. That's fucking it.

Get that fucking thing out of my face!

I'm fucking telling you-- fuck off!

- No no no no. - Right!

The makeup people, well, we told them,

"Tell Pancho his eyebrows need sorting out."

And we put lmmac on his eyebrows,

so his eyebrows are falling out.

Right, gone.

You're fucking happy now, are you?

He's probably got all those wigs,

and he's trying to superglue some eyebrows back on.

I'm likely to go and fucking stab someone now.

Look at it. I'm fucking telling you.

Cameraman: No, don't do that.

Fucking always at my fucking expense, right?

Oh, fuck, we've pushed it this time.

What did he say all the way through the movie?

( mimics ) "Do not fuck with my eyebrows!"

Cameraman: Panch, stick around.

Get the fuck away from me.

( cameraman speaking )

Go on, Panch!

Here comes the trouble.

Hello.

"I love Dainton" ? No!

No. No way. Is that real?

Yeah. I went through absolute agony.

I'm not sitting on that ever again.

Oh, Lis, I haven't had sex for four weeks.

Never again. No way. I don't care.

I'm not putting Dainton in my mouth. No way.

Come on, fucking get out the way!

Look at that bubble! Look at that snot bubble!

Am I green in the face?

- ( guys laughing ) - I am?

I've brought you to this spa

for the ultimate sports massage.

Well, it better be proper special,

because I've got these absolutely poxy pants.

( yelling )

Pritchard: Rock and roll!

Yes. He's done it!

Fuck me, man!

It's the only way to warm up.

Guess-- guess what that little bad boy is.

That-- that's -- that's frozen shit.

Oh, hello. A little penguin, little frozen penguin.

It still stinks! I didn't think it would smell.

Get off, get off, get off!

That's Joycey's frozen--

oh, it's on my lens. Oh!

There's dots and there's a lump of poop.

( all yell )

Pritch, you know that tattoo on your leg?

"Sleep when you're dead" in Russian, guys. Whoo!

- Daint, fuck off! - It doesn't even say--

it doesn't even say "Sleep when you're dead."

- What does it say now? -"I love Johnny Knoxville."

( laughing )