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[Sign creaking]

How long has it been?

April 13, 2009.

No way.
You sure?

Well, I can't be 100% sure

since I don't know
what you're talking about.

Wanda, has it been that long?

Oh, at least.

We're talking about the last time you
took a shower, right?

No. That was Tuesday.

Uh, no, Monday.

No, I was asking
how long it's been

since anything exciting's happened
around here.

Well, that guy came through town a
couple of months ago

wearing a tuxedo,

on his way to a wedding
or a funeral or something.

It was probably a wedding.

I mean, you don't wear a top hat to a
funeral.

I don't know.

I mean,
if you didn't like the guy,

you might pull out
all the stops.

Nothing exciting
ever happens around here.

Open the till
and put the money in a bag!

- Money! Now!
- O-Okay, okay.

Did you bring your own bag?

Otherwise, I got to
charge you a nickel.

Well, how would it be
if I blow your head off

and charge you 50 cents
for the shell?

Well, that's not
a fair comparison at all.

- Whoa!
- [ Gunshot]

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

- Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
- Aah!

Where did you learn
how to do that?

Oh, I've only seen every Jean-Claude Van
Damme movie

like a hundred thousand times.

- I'm more of a Jackie Chan...
- [ Gunshot]

Aah!

- Brent!
- [Laughs]

Never bring just one gun
to a robbery.

Okay.
No more violence.

Aah!

Wanda, are you okay?

I knew it!

You... should not...
have done that.

Yeah, fry him, Wanda!

Aaaah!

Brent, Wanda's a...

[Motor whirring]

You're a robot, too?

No, you idiot.
I'm just bionic.

[ Roars]

Wolf man!

Finally get to see a robot
fight a werewolf.

Baggage... for... Flight...687.

Baggage... for Flight 687.

WOMAN: ...will be dispensed
on carousel two.

Baggage for Flight 687
will be dispensed...

G "[ Roar] [ asps] Laser fur!

Are you Hank Yarbo?

Oh. Are you...

newspaper lady?

Tina Fuller.
The National Star.

Oh, hey.

- Hank Yarbo.
- Yes.

- We established that.
- Oh, yeah, right.

Shall we?

Oh, yeah.

[ "Not a Lot Goin' On" plays]

You can tell me
that your dog ran away

Then tell me
that it took three days

I've heard every joke

I've heard everything you say

You think
there's not a lot goin' on

But look closer, baby,
you're so wrong

I roll my eyes back
into my happy place

I'm always gonna need
this sense of space

And in the amber wave
under a rolling cloud

I can't hear what you say
'cause you're talking so loud

How many times
you gonna get me wrong?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You think
there's not a lot goin' on

Well, this must be
pretty exciting for you, huh?

Traveling around the country,

judging the "Quaintest Town
in Canada" contest.

It's my lifelong dream.

Yeah? Oh.

Well, none of them can be
as quaint as Dog River.

I've been here my whole life.

- It's awesome.
- [ Camera shutter clicks]

With the rain,
you could get lightning on you

Strikes twice

You better believe it

Under a sky that's always wrapped around
you

There's not a lot goin' on

You think
there's not a lot goin' on

That's not
a very welcoming sight.

[Camera shutter clicks]

[indistinct shouting]

MAN:
Oh, my God, no!

Oh, my God!
Shouldn't we help him?

WOMAN: Get him!

WANDA: Hey, you better
get out of my face!

Do you have any idea
who you're dealing with?

[Camera shutter clicking]

Ow!

[Man screaming]

Oh, that's new.

[People screaming]

But, you know [Chuckles] sometimes
accidents happen.

This is insane!

I don't know what you people consider
quaint, but this is...

- Aaah!
- Whoa!

Crap.

- Who was that?
- That was Brent Leroy.

He used to be my best friend.

What the hell is going on here?

Oh. Well, it wasn't
always like this.

It all started not so long ago.

Are you gonna
tell me the story or...

Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah.

It all started not so long ago.

[ Electricity crackles]

- Why does it keep doing that?
- I don't know.

It's not the bulbs because,
electrically...

I don't know.

Does anyone know
why the power keeps going out?

- It's complicated.
- You don't know.

I don't know.

[ Electricity crackles]

Or do I?

Hey. Have you guys seen this article in
the National Star?

"Canada's Quaintest Community."

Don't you think
Dog River should be in this?

Yeah, maybe.
You should enter us.

Well, obviously, I can't enter us the
way the town is now.

The grass hasn't been mowed. Garbage is
piling up.

So don't enter us.
Problem solved.

No, but it comes
with a $75,000 prize.

And think about
the tourist benefits.

You guys,
this town is falling apart,

and nobody's
doing anything about it.

Fitzy's gonna get an earful
at the town meeting today.

Town meeting?

Honestly, can we go two minutes

without some idiot
calling a town meeting?

What is it this time?

Is it the triangle
manhole covers again?

Because what does that
even solve?

Stop complaining.

You and I are
local businesspeople.

We need to be there, and you need to pay
attention, Brent.

No comic books.

Fine. Then you can't wear
any stylish, contemporary...

You're hard to insult.

[Clanking]

[Water shuts off]

Oscar!

What?! I'm watching
"Survivin' with lvan."

ANNOUNCER:
"Survivin' With Ivan."

After you sharpen branch
into razor point,

you can harden it in the fire
to make deadly weapon.

Why don't you get your butt off the
couch and go fix something?

The water and the power
are broke all over town.

And I fixed the car.

It broke again
while I was fixing it.

We need a new one.

No, what we need
is someone to fix the car

who knows what they're doing.

That's a direct insult
to my masculinity.

I know how to fix stuff.

I just learned how to make
a deadly weapon out of a stick.

If that idiot already has
a 10-inch bowie knife,

why does he need a pointy stick?

Okay, 3, 2, fire!

[Laughs] You were too low.

- You didn't allow for droppage.
- Droppage?

Droppage.
Gravity, whatever.

Yeah, I think gravity's
the one that caught on.

Anyway, shouldn't we
be out on patrol?

Nope. Fitzy says
we're using too much fuel.

I think it's to save the ozone.
Or is it polar bears?

He)', guys.

Fitzy, how can we do our job
if we can't patrol the town'?

Watch out the window.

Listen, I just popped in

to say a quick congratulations to Davis.

25 years of service
with the D.R.P.D.

I wanted to get you a cake
and champagne but... didn't.

Anyway, enjoy your retirement.

- Thanks.
- KAREN: Whoa!

- Davis is retiring?
- Who's retiring?

Yeah. When you signed
your last contract,

you ticked the box
for a 25-year term,

with the town having the option to renew
it at the time.

Which is now.
Which is no.

So you're gonna
just kick him to the curb

after like a zillion years
of hard work?

Not a zillion, 25.

And I don't want to retire.

I'd love to keep you on,
but times are really tough.

Anyways,
I've got to be somewhere.

[ Door opens, closes]

Man, I cannot wait
for this thing to be over.

Not me.
I love town meetings.

Full of opportunities.

People debate.
Decisions get made.

New rules get... made.

A sharp guy can see the angles and make
a few bucks.

Yeah, sharp guy'?
Why don't you pay your tab'?

Okay. Let's just all pipe down, all
right?

Don't draw attention.

No questions, no comments.

Everybody just zip up
and lay low

so this thing can wrap up ASAP.

"ASAP"?
What are you, from the '80s?

My formative years, yes.

Is it hot in here?

I'm always too hot.

Except when I'm too cold.
Sometimes I'm both.

Plus pukey.

Must be tough on your husband.

Window open, window closed.
Pukey, not pukey.

He's stationed on the coast
of the Mediterranean.

I'm pregnant in Dog River,
so it's tough on one of us.

MYRTLE:
My seventh grandchild.

Good for you.

MYRTLE:
Isn't he adorable?

They grow up so fast.

Some more than others.

MYRTLE: Don't worry. You'll be
a grandparent one day, too.

Brent will find someone
sooner or later.

I mean, if his father could...

[Baby cooing]

Ah.

Whoo.

[Baby cooing]

Hey, where's Fitzy?

He calls a town meeting
and then he doesn't show?

Yep, we may as well
wrap this up.

Good work, everybody.

Fitzy didn't call the meeting.
I did.

You did?
Oh. Well... good.

It's about time somebody
called one of these things.

I called this meeting today

because I think
I speak for everyone

when I say there are
some major concerns

with how this town
is just falling apart.

That's for sure.
Absolutely.

The power, the water.

Garbage is just piling up.

You know, and Dog River
could be really quaint.

I mean, maybe even one
of the quaintest towns in Canada

if we really pulled it together.

What do you think?

[Slurping]

Oh.
Anyway, I have this idea.

WANDA: Lacey's right.
Where's Fitzy?

OSCAR: Yeah!
Where's Fitzy?!

There he is.
Hey! Fitzy!

Let me get this straight.

You invested the town's money
in real estate...

in Detroit?

It was really cheap.

I didn't think
it could get any cheaper.

It can, by the way.

How much did we lose?

Somewhere in the neighborhood of... all
of it.

- MAN: What?
- Everything?!

That explains the water
and the power, then.

I've been using the contingency fund to
keep the power on.

But that's all gone.

And the water pump
is on its last legs.

So how much debt
are we talking about?

Ballpark?
A hell of a lot.

It shouldn't be that much
for a stupid ballpark!

Oh, sit down
and play with your stick.

This is insane. We didn't even have the
money to begin with.

[ Indistinct conversations]

Whoa, whoa! Wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So what happens now?

Well, we really only have
two choices here.

One, we unincorporate the town,

and Dog River
basically disappears.

Or...

three dusty boots in a row,
and we're back in business.

I got a couple of dusty boots for ya!

- Aah.
- [ Grunting]

And you wonder
why I don't like town meetings.

This isn't good.

That's what you get for ordering clam
chowder in the prairies.

Not the soup.
The situation.

If we have to leave, it'll be far away
from our only son

and his future wife
and our beautiful grandchildren.

What grandchildren?
We're not going anywhere.

We're staying here
and living off the land,

like our ancestors.

Your grandfather died
in a go-kart accident.

Oh, Brent, talk some sense
into your father.

I don't think
there's enough words.

We might have to move
and sell the house

while there's still value in it.

He wants to stay, do nothing.

Not do nothing.
Fish with a spear.

Well, for what it's worth...

- Aargh!
- What's the matter?

It's just a shock to the system whenever
I agree with Dad.

Okay, listen, everyone!

I just got off the phone
with Brian Rainville.

He's a plumber in the city.

He gave me a quote
to fix the water pump.

Now, it isn't cheap, but if
we all pitched in, then...

[All groaning]

A few hundred dollars each
to have clean running water

is too much to ask?

Listen, people, this town
is gonna be nonexistent

if we don't do something.

No, I think
we'll probably be okay.

The key is not to panic
and overreact.

Ah, screw hiring someone.

We have to learn
to fend for ourselves.

I'm pretty handy with a wrench.

Unless he tries to use it
as a wrench.

Are you questioning
my abilities?

No, Dad, when it comes
to your abilities,

none of us has any question.

Sure, laugh it up.

You won't be so smart when the Four
Norsemen of the Apocalypse

come riding down Main Street.

Oh, come on!

We all have to pull together, people!

Anybody like to volunteer
to mow public spaces?

Unbelievable, these people.

Davis, I don't know
if anyone explained to you

what "retired" means, but you get to not
be here anymore.

I just came by to pick up
a few of my things.

Besides, I'm not really retired with no
pension.

Now I've got to find
another job.

Like what?

I don't know.

I thought maybe we could, uh, put our
feet up and kick back,

and you can help me
think this through.

Sorry. I've got a family
to support now.

If Dog River shuts down,

I'm gonna have to get a cop job
somewhere else.

And no one is gonna hire me
if my ticket quotas are so low.

So no more games, naps,
or matinee movie days.

There it is.
[ Blows]

But I brought ice cream.

I can't stand around here
eating ice cream.

[Rock music plays]

Ugh.
What are they feeding you?

Man, people are losing their marbles
after that town meeting.

Well, people fear
what they don't understand.

You must be
perpetually terrified.

We entrepreneurs
always say that,

"When a door opens,
it's time to close a window...

of opportunity."

I got a ton of ideas
on how to capitalize on this,

and with my brains
and your money, we can't miss.

Yeah, but you don't have
my money.

Or much of the other stuff.

Wheels are turning.

Like, we could
set up a pipeline,

you know, like for oil, but for water,
from a place with water,

and so then
we would have the water,

and we'd be the ones
charging for that water.

And that's just one idea.

That's not an idea.

That's just you saying
the word "water" 12 times.

Now I got to pee.

[ Drawer closes]

So, you're telling me you're not gonna
invest in my ideas?

You come up with an actual idea, I'm all
over it.

Hey, here's an idea.

Why don't you fix the leak
in your truck?

Then you won't have to
keep buying this oil.

Oh, uh... I'll get you.

Hey, I hope you don't mind
me taking these boxes.

I'm taking them anyways.
Just hope you don't mind.

- What do you need all these for?
- To pack for my move.

Move?

Don't tell me you're buying into this
"Dog River is dying" crap.

Oh, I didn't
make this decision lightly.

But I got to think about my kid

and scrounging up the deposit for his
tuition.

My cousin says I can
stay with her for a while,

so that'll help.

She'll even get me a job
at her dry-cleaning shop.

Well, look, I'll...
I'll give you a raise.

25... no, 30 cents an hour, every hour.

Ooh, that's a generous offer.

Actually, it's pathetic,
but it's heartfelt.

Well...

Well, you can't have these.

They have red licorice
in the city.

Maybe, maybe not.

Soup, sandwich, and a coffee?

Every day?

Oh, come on, Mike, you're hauling
garbage, not plutonium.

Lookit, we all have to do our...

Oh, is that the way
it's gonna be?

Fine!
You suck, Mike!

What about you?

You want to haul garbage?

Oh, no.
Been there, done that.

I'm focusing my energies
on moneymaking ideas,

you know, big ideas,
like a... petting zoo.

Huh?
Or a dude ranch.

Or maybe a zoo
where you pet dudes.

You know, I... I think that that's more
of a big-city idea.

[ Electricity crackles]

Oh, come on.
No.

Eh, I'd like to help you out,

but I can't housesit for you, especially
with the power out.

The power is out, isn't it?

You're not... coming on to me, are you?

I need to get out of town,
clear my head.

And don't worry about
the power being out.

I got a couple gas generators out back.

One of them's
already juicing my garage.

Watch this.

Might as well go for a soda,
nobody hurts

WANDA:
This is a garage?

It's like Frank Sinatra's
rumpus room.

It's my man cave.

Did all the work myself.
I even soundproofed it.

Watch this.

Help!
Zombies are eating my brains!

H e-e-e-e-e...

. . e-e-e-e-l p!

Impressive and creepy.

Oh, wow, I would really like to help you
out, but it's just...

Ah, it's just, uh...

- I'll pay you.
- There you go.

You know,
it's like pulling teeth

to get anybody to help out.

The power's out,

and then some lunatic
vandalized the water pump.

Stupid wrench!

[Grunting]

At least
it sort of worked before.

Now it's completely ruined.

Well, maybe things
aren't as bad as they seem.

Nope. They're bad.
Real bad.

I mean, sure,
the town will flop around,

gasping for air like a fish on
a flat rock, but eventually...

[Gasps]

Thanks, Little Miss Sunshine.

Whoa.

[ Indistinct conversations]

What the hell?

This is a... a joke, right?

Phil's probably hiding
and laughing somewhere.

Right, Phil?
Phil?

We can do without power
and water.

But booze?
This just got real.

That's it.
That's the last straw.

BRENT: Lacey!

Lacey, wait.

WANDA:
Hang on!

I know a place we can drink.

Might as well go for a soda

One rye and ginger.
4 bucks.

Here's $5.

- Keep the change.
- I intend to.

[ Door closes]

- BRENT: Hey.
- Hey.

Uh...

Look, I know things
seem kind of bad right now,

but everything will work out.

- It always does.
- No, it doesn't, Brent.

I know you have
this Zen, Buddhist,

Winnie the Pooh

kind of "look the other way and
Freddy Krueger can't hurt you"

type of philosophy.

And it is really very charming.

But sometimes charming
isn't enough.

You know, no one is lifting
a finger to save this town,

and I don't know what to do.

And I feel like I just don't have any
other choice

but to start looking...

in other places to open a diner.

You mean like other towns?

You mean move?

What choice is there?

Lookit, can you, um, just blow out the
candles when you leave?

[ Door opens, closes]

[Flies buzzing]

What are you doing?

Looks like trespassing.

At ease, Copzilla.

I'm just cleaning off the steps of my
bar.

What the hell you talking about, "your
bar"?

Be quiet.
Let him explain.

What the hell are you
talking about, "your bar"?

This old hotel bar
has been part of Dog River

since long before I was born.

Doesn't seem right
to just let it die now, so...

I bought it.

But you usually...

I usually sit these things out.
I know.

Mainly because
I've spent my entire life

watching you people
turn molehills into mountains,

and I was hoping

that this was just another one of those
things.

But it's not.

And sometimes in this life,

you have to pull yourself
up off your can

and do what needs to be done.

Especially once you realize what's
really important.

Well, Brent,
I think we're all deeply touched

by how important
booze is to you.

No! The... The bar
is a metaphor...

You're missing the...

Look, I bought the bar
because I love this stupid town.

And I love the life
we have here,

and I, for one,
think it's worth fighting for.

- Attaboy, Brent!
- [ Applause ]

WOMAN: Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's why I also entered us

into the "Quaintest Town
in Canada" contest.

What the hell is that?

It's a contest to find
the quaintest town in...

It's pretty self-explanatory.

Plus, it has
a $75,000 cash award.

We need that money
to pay off our debt

and to fix the water pump.

Lacey, we could really use your help to
"quainterize" the town,

if that's a word.

And if you're still willing
to help us.

No.

No?

"Quainterize" isn't a word.

But, yes, I still want
to save this town.

- Come up here.
- Okay.

Okay, everybody, we only have two weeks
to pull this off,

so I'm gonna need a lot
of people to volunteer

to form
a Quaintification Committee.

Oh, like that's a word.

Oh, wait a minute.

Yesterday, you were
all doom and gloom,

and now you're joining
some committee?

EMMA:
Well, look at him.

Brent is taking responsibility for the
first time in his life.

We have to support him.

- We?
- Yes, we.

But today
we get to smile about it

Wow.

There is serious money
to be made

in this "town going to hell" business.

Waste of time.

Our chances are slim.

Well, slim's better than none, thanks to
this man right here.

Why?
What did Slim do?

He stepped up
and bought the bar.

What the f...
Whoa.

That's a little bit hasty,
don't you think?

What do you care? I thought
you were planning on leaving.

What kind of person would I be

if I just up and abandoned
this town when it is ripe...

rife with troubles.

You're sticking around?

Oh, Wanda, this is awesome.

This place wouldn't be the same without
you.

PM.

Hey, could you clean
the coolers?

- What?
- BRENT: I'm gonna need you

to run things around here
if I'm gonna fix up the bar.

Now, we're gonna need
a lot of materials...

paint, brushes, garden supplies.

Whatever we can't find
we'll have to buy.

Bah! First the politicians
rob us blind

with their Fonzie schemes,

then you come up with
some harebrained idea

that has us throwing good money after
bad!

Oscar, what bad money?
No one's put any money in.

Oscar, if you're not gonna help, go away
and sharpen a stick.

Oh, I'll do more
than sharpen a stick.

I've got survival preppin'
to do!

Oh, dear. Emma, are you gonna
be okay without Oscar here?

[ Laughter]

I'm sorry!
I-I couldn't resist.

- That's a good one.
- Okay, let's get quaintin'.

Sunny days

Oh, sunny, sunny, sunny days

Ain't nothing better
in the world, you know

Than lyin' in the sun
with your radio

Da da-da da-da da da da

Yes, yes, I know we owe
the power company money,

and we have a detailed plan
to pay you back.

But our plan requires us
to have the power on first.

Yep, that's what we in the business call
"a real pickle."

LACEY:
Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, I'm just wondering
if we can apply

for a stay from our debt

just long enough for us
to implement our plan?

DEBBIE: Can't apply for a stay over the
phone.

Application
has to be in writing.

Then there's the review process
and... blah, blah, blah.

Whoa! Did you actually
just say, "Blah, blah, blah"?

Not very professional.

And not paying
your power bill is?

Thanks for calling.

[Sighs]

You know, for a guy on vacation, you
don't look very happy.

Work getting you down?
[ Laughing ]

I don't want you to take this the wrong
way, but...

- shut your face.
- Well.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to say that.

I'm just going through stuff.

So I just came out here

to catch the biggest fish
in Lake Kalawonka.

That's Katatonka.

Whatever.

Katatonka
was a legendary warrior

who died on the shores
of this lake in 1817.

No one knows how he died
'cause no one was with him,

and there was no wounds
on his body.

Some say the spirit bear came
and devoured his soul.

Others say a great eagle
swooped down,

and with his mighty talons,
he...

He probably had a heart attack.

Geez, you might be
onto something there.

Legend also has it
that he ate a lot of red meat.

Huh.
We never thought of that.

Say, you're pretty good
at solving mysteries.

What is it you say you did
back home?

It's not what I did.

It's what I'm gonna do.

Whoa, whoa!

Can you... take me back
in to shore, please?

Uh... gladly.

I hereby declare the bar officially
reopened.

[Cheers and applause]

The candles are a nice touch.
Classy.

Well, the power's out.

Classy and practical.

I got some big news, too,
but I'll tell you later.

Don't want to steal
your thunder.

Hey, Mr. Big Shot Bar Owner,
the place looks great.

Thanks.
It was a lot of work.

Mostly cleaning up mouse poop.

An alarming amount of it, actually.

You know, I never really mentioned this
earlier,

but I think it is really amazing

how you manned up
and bought this place.

Well, thank you,

even though I do find the term "manned
up" to be a tad sexist.

Deal with it, dollface.

It's so obvious.

Of course it is.
What is?

Brent and Lacey.
They should be a couple.

If Brent wasn't so thick,

he'd see that Lacey
wants to meet someone,

get married, have grandchildren.

I mean children.

You really seem
to be enjoying this.

Yeah, I am.
Owning a bar is kind of fun.

It's just like Ted Danson
always led me to believe.

[Chuckles]

I kind of thought there'd be more people
here tonight.

Let's play truth or dare now

We can roll around
in our underwear

Hey, I like your T-shirt.

Oh, thanks.

I have my own iron-on kit
at home,

so I can make all kinds
of custom shirts.

You know, whatever you guys want... for a
price.

He was just saying
it's a cool shirt.

Yeah, well, my eyes are up here, you
pervo.

The game on?

Sorry I'm late, boys.

Hey, nice T-shirt.

Oh! Oh, you boys!
[Giggling]

Everyone, drink up!

The night is young!

Let's be friends forever

Hey! Hey, hey!
What... What are you doing here?

I thought you were
on a fishing trip.

I came back early.
What's going on'?

It's a surprise
welcome-home party!

- Really?
- Surprise!

Welcome home!

Oh, you guys.

But I cut my trip short.
How did you...

So, did you catch any fish?

Better yet,
I caught an epiphany.

Is that some kind of trout?

DAVIS:
No, it's my new job!

See, I take the skills I learned as a
cop,

and I become
a private detective.

Good for you.

Yeah, I'm gonna sell the house, and I'm
gonna move to the city.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You don't want to do that.

There's plenty of detectiving
to do right here.

In Dog River?
There's no secrets here.

Everyone knows
everyone's business.

There's a million mysteries.

Like, where's Phil?

You need to find him.

My first case.

Go now
before the trail gets cold!

All right!

Okay.
So the cleanup is finished.

And now we are going to move on to the
decorating stage.

Emma's out buying some plants,

and as you can see,
I've made some sketches here.

I think that we should...

Maybe we could put up some of those
funny plywood silhouettes.

Oh, like the ones
that look like someone's bum

bending over in the garden.

What is with you people
and plywood?

Bums, cowboys, butterflies?

No. I'm sorry.
No plywood.

I think they're cute.

Well, you're mistaken.

Lookit. All of the design sketches are
here.

The flowchart is here.

We have a very short window
to pull this off,

and I hate to say it,

but it just has to be my way
or the highway.

That doesn't sound like
you hate saying it.

[Bell dings]

LACEY: Hey, you want to doodle,
do it in a notebook.

Napkins cost money.

Lacey, Lacey, Lacey.

Always worrying about
the pennies.

And that is why I have
more pennies than you.

Yeah, well, not for long.

I'm in the meeting phase
of my get-rich idea.

It's gonna pull this town
out of the dumps.

I happen to have set up
a little meeting

with a rep from Goff-Nuts.

Goff-Nuts'? No.

The Goff-Nuts?

We got coffee

We got doughnuts,
sugar and caffeine

Let's all go nuts!

Yeah, I'm gonna
open a franchise.

LACEY:
Hank, are you insane?

In case you hadn't noticed,
I sell coffee and doughnuts.

You sell more sandwiches
and soups.

We got soup, sandwiches
for your whole group

Mind you, so do they.

Oh, well.
Competition's healthy.

I saw that on "BizWeek."

You'll do well.

- Me and Brent'll do well.
- Brent?

Brent's just
the silent investor.

Oh, he is, is he?

[Grumbles] Hey!

Brent! Listen,
Hank just told me all about

you two opening a Goff-Nuts.

How could you, Brent?

You think this is funny?

Well, I think it's funny
that after all the years

of knowing Hank,
you'd still get upset

about something that tumbled
out of his head.

Oh.

Oh, God.
So he's not...

Rational? No.

I think I may have
said something like,

"if you have a good idea,
I'll get behind it."

But, Brent, he said
that a rep from the company

is coming here today.

He also says he's building
a rocket in his garage.

Right.

Relax. I will never, ever,
ever invest in a Goff-Nuts.

And to show your gratitude,
you can finish up for me here.

I got a ton of stuff
I got to do at the bar.

Can you check the oil?

Huh?

No. [Chuckles]
Can you?

JEROME:
I'm glad you called, Hank.

I can see a lot
of community pride here.

It's a cute little town.

HANK:
Oh, thanks.

Uh, we were shooting
for "quaint,"

so I guess we're
not quite there yet.

Or did we overshoot?
Is cute better than quaint?

All I know is, it's a good fit for the
Goff-Nuts family.

So, really, all we need
to discuss now

is the, uh... the franchise fee.

Franchise fee?

I thought we just opened up
and sold doughnuts.

No, a fee is standard.
Is that a problem?

Oh, no. I got my financial guy all lined
up.

- Cute, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Maybe I should talk to somebody about
that.

We might be going
in the wrong direction.

[Horse whinnies]

OSCAR:
Oh, there we go.

Oh! Hello, my pet!

Or should I say one of my pets.

What the hell have you done now?

I had a little chat
with Jeff Collins at the bar.

We swung a deal.

Go back and unswing it.
And get rid of that horse.

Not likely.

That's the deal of the century, maybe
even the decade.

Who trades a healthy horse
for a broken-down car?

- You traded the car?
- OSCAR: Horses don't break down.

They run on grass
and poop out fertilizer...

to make more grass.

It's the circle of life.
It's survival 101.

How am I gonna get around,
buy groceries?

Don't you see
what's hooked up to his ass?

You may as well accept that, Emma.

You can't stand in the way
of progress.

Only you would think that buying a horse
and buggy was progress.

A private investigator?

In Dog River?

There are no secrets
in small towns.

There are a million mysteries out there.

There's 500 people in town.

That's 2,000 mysteries
per person.

I'm not a mathematician.

I'm a private eye,
and you, you're jealous.

Jealous?

Yeah. 'Cause I get to
solve crimes, too.

And I'm not bound by any rules,

and I don't have to wear
some dorky uniform.

What do you think?

Too much?

Depends.
Trying to look stupid?

Why rent an office in the basement of
the police station?

'Cause a detective's office
has to be dark and dingy

to add credibility.

That's why I can't work at home.
Wanda explained it all to me.

KAREN: Whatever.

Oh, um, by the way,
you're parked illegally.

There's a ticket
on your windshield.

[ Laughter]

MAN: Oh, you should've
seen this guy.

Hey, Brent, can we get another round of
beer here, please?

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'll be right there.

Thank you, sir.
It was. It was crazy.

Hey.

Sorry. I overreacted
to Hank's thing earlier.

I want to make it up to you.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

Oh, unless you want to run
and get me a chili-cheese dog?

Because I've been so busy
around here doing everything,

I haven't had a chance to...
Whoa.

- How did you know?
- Seriously?

Oh, you are awesome.

I've been so busy
trying to fix up this dump,

I haven't had a chance to eat.

There's loose floorboards.

There's torn carpet.
There's busted hinges.

- Did I mention the mouse poop?
- Yeah.

I'm starting to see
why Phil sold this place.

Whatever happened to Phil, anyway?

DAVIS: I'll tell you
what happened to Phil.

Since when do you smoke?

And since when do you think
you can do it in here?

Detectives always have a...

[Sighing ] Fine.

I was able to track Phil down.

It wasn't easy, but when you've been at
this as long as I have,

you develop a nose
like a bloodhound.

You pick up things
others would miss.

Gord said you're looking for me.

He figured the town was toast,

so he's pursuing his lifelong dream of
being a lifeguard.

Like on "Baywatch"?

Exactly!

If "Baywatch" took place
at a public pool in Moose Jaw.

Anyway, case solved.

Now there's just
the small matter of my fee.

But we didn't hire you.

Did anyone hire you?

Not as such, no.

That would be the "biz" part
of the detective biz.

KAREN:
Oh, it's "food" and "market."

I never picked up on that.

I'm attaching all the letters
so it looks quaint.

KAREN: I still think "Foo Mart"
is cooler.

Anyway, here's your ticket.

Your, uh, "K" is blocking
the sidewalk.

[Horse whinnies]

Pretty horse!
You have a horse.

I love horses.

When I was a little girl,

I always wanted one so I could brush it
and feed it carrots.

Well, Scope's
no little Sally Handbag

you can play dress-up with.

Scope? May as well
call him "Listerine."

You should name him Socks
or Snowflake.

All cool horses
are named after gun parts.

There's... There's Trigger and... others.

Whose farm you keeping him at?

I'm keeping him in our garage.

What are you feeding him?

Table scraps, mostly.

That could make him sick.

But he eats grass, too.

That's like mowing,

which we need to do
for this quaint business.

- What you're doing is illegal.
- [ Scoffs]

[Horse farts]

Oh, that's just nature.

You can't give a ticket
to Mother Nature.

You're right.
No ticket.

I'm confiscating him.

OSCAR: What?!

Come on, Socks.
Let's go get you a carrot.

You can't...
You can't take my horse!

I have rights!
He has rights!

If the government
outlaws horses,

only outlaws will have horses!

His name is Scope!

Lacey.

Oh. Hi, Emma.

I just want to let you know

what a great job you're doing
on the Quainting Committee.

Why don't you come to dinner
on Tuesday night?

Oh, Emma, that would be nice.

Brent will be there.
It'll be a "family" dinner.

Why did you put
little quotation marks

- around the word "family"?
- Because you are "family."

Will 7300 be all right?

Well, 7300 is "fine."

All right.
I'll see you then.

- Thank you, sir.
- Yeah. No problem.

Hey, barkeep.

Your lunch is on the counter.

And, um, dinner will be at 7:00 on
Tuesday.

And wear something nice.

Lunch?

Double-lunch day!

Psst! Pal.

You know that big news
I was gonna tell you about?

You want to bring a Goff-Nuts
to Dog River.

I want to bring a...

Oh.
Word's out, huh?

Damn WikiLeaks.

Anyway, I'm gonna need
that cash you promised

for the franchise fee.

Well, first of all,
I never promised you any cash.

Second of all, no.

Thirdly, you're living
in a dream world.

And fourthly, no.

You said you'd invest
if I had an idea.

And now, just like that,

you come up with
four reasons not to?

You've got to tell me
what the idea is first.

I'm not going to
invest in something

that's gonna jeopardize
Lacey's business.

It's competition.
It's good.

Doesn't anyone watch "BizWeek"?

I need this money, Brent.

I made plans because
you said I could have it.

Forget it.
It's not gonna happen.

You know what this is?
Betrayal.

A broken vow amongst friends.

- Former friends!
- Here we go.

HANK:
Ladies and gentlemen,

Brent Leroy and I
are no longer friends.

I will never set foot
in here again!

[Door opens]

There's nowhere else to drink.

Who ordered the nachos?

Arriba!
Ay yi yi yi yi!

HANK:
She's a real beauty, eh?

Yeah.
Is she with anyone?

HANK:
She's with me now.

Got her at a garage sale
for 2 bucks.

I believe this is what
you're looking for.

[Chuckles]
Uh. $19?

And an I.O.U. for the rest.

Is this a joke?

L-I just figured,
we're almost family now,

and family lends money
to family, right?

Sorry.
No fee, no deal.

Oh, come on, I was counting
on this Goff-Nuts franchise

to bring money
back into Dog River.

JEROME:
And it will.

We're so confident
in this community,

we're planning on opening
a franchise with or without you.

What?!

Geez. Have I got "betray me" written
across my forehead?

Sorry.
It's just business.

Hank, he's right.
It's just business.

- Yeah.
- Although I am...

I'm surprised with your confidence in
our little town...

considering we're bankrupt.

Bankrupt?

No power, no water.

I thought
you just blew a breaker.

This place is practically dead.

That changes everything.

Thanks for the info.

I will, uh...
I'll see you later.

[ Door closes]

Oh, lookit, Hank, I know
you were just trying to help.

Here's a napkin on the house.

Doodle up another idea.

Maybe think a little more
about that dude zoo.

So now you can tell everyone
how you feel about Dog River

with a snazzy new
"Ain't We Quaint?" T-shirt.

This quaintness stuff is stupid.

Well, then, why don't you
tell the world how you feel

with your very own
"Quaint We Ain't" T-shirt?

Now you're talkin'!

I said hang the flowers
5 feet, 7 inches off the ground.

Why'd you hang them so high?

I thought someone
might bump their head.

Well, now no one
can smell the flowers

unless they're Shaquille O'Neal.

Who's Shaneille?

I think she won "American ldol" last
year.

Tall girl.
Oh, she loved flowers.

LACEY:
We've been through this!

We don't have time
for anyone to have ideas.

Just do it my way.

Emma understands.
Right, Emma?

Where's Emma?

I'll get your horse back
in no time.

Money well spent.

Money?
You mean I have to pay you?

[Horn honks]

Hello, scooter!

Or should I say,
one of my scooters?

Where the hell did you get
that contraption?

Pat Gallagher's
New and Used Cars and Trucks.

You're a fool, Emma.

Falling right in
to Big Oil's trap.

It's electric, you idiot.

Maybe you should
get a scooter, too.

You could call it Scope.

"Electra-Scope."

- [ Chuckling]
- [ Reverse signal beeping]

[Horse whinnies]

Hey, Scope.

That's a boy.
Come on.

Come on, my boy.

Good boy.
Okay, jump the fence.

Come on.

Here's another one.
Come on, jump the fence!

Ah!

You lazy horse!

[Motor whirring]

[Telephone rings]

[Sighs]
D.R.P.D.

MAN:
There's a prowler in my barn.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to d-o-o-o!

I'll be right there.
What's your address?

Come on!

[Horse whinnies]

Whoa, Socks, whoa!

Attaboy.

[Horse snorts]

[Chickens clucking]

Freeze!

Davis?
What are you doing here?

DAVIS:
Well, I got wind of a B&E.

- How?
- I keep my ear to the ground.

More like "ear to the vent."

[Muffled ] Be right there.
What's your address?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

You've got grille marks
on your cheek.

You can't run around interfering in
police business.

- You're not a cop.
- I used to be.

And now I'm doing something
way better.

And people like me.

You're saying
people don't like me?

"Ticket Witch" isn't
a very flattering nickname.

And they don't use
the word "witch."

I'm just doing my job,
like a real cop,

which I never was
under your command.

All we did was nap
and play games.

Oh!
Why are you in my barn?

You called the police.

Um, no.

OSCAR: Hyah!

Come on!
There we go!

- [ Horse whinnies]
- Come on!

Off you go, Scope!

Oscar, get back here!

"I don't know what to do!

I don't know what to do!"
[ Laughing ]

Well, that's unfortunate.

- Need a lift?
- Yes.

Well, good luck with that.

[Laughing]

You want to buy our house?

I represent a client who does.

Even though the town
has a broken water pump,

no power, no money?

Yes.

Your client, is he a drinker?

Well, so, there's an offer price on the
back of this card.

- Just think it over and call me.
- OSCAR: Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Is he all right?

I wouldn't say so, no.

[Sighs] Sorry I'm late.

I was watching
a Noam Chomsky documentary.

Closed my eyes for one minute.

Next thing you know,

David Suzuki's
talking about salamanders.

So what's the deal
with "Wanda's Booze Box"?

Who squealed?

Squealed? What?
It's on your shirt.

Damn it.

So sleepy, I forgot to change.

Ugh.

[ Indistinct conversations]

LACEY: Whoa!

I'm sorry, you guys,

but I thought I said
the meeting was at 4:00.

MERTYL: It Was.

We had an emergency meeting
at 3:00.

We took a vote, and you're out.

[Laughs]

What?

You're too bossy.

Because I'm the boss!

You can't kick me out.
Quaintification is my thing.

Actually, it's the town's thing.

It's going to happen
without you.

Well, that's fine,
if that's the way you feel.

Good luck
with your plywood bums.

MERTYL: [Gasps]

Lacey.

I hope you know that had nothing to do
with me.

I fought hard for you.

I nominate Emma
for committee leader.

[Applause]

That could not have come
at a worse time.

We still on for dinner?

I'm out there
busting my brains out

trying to manage two businesses, all so
I can save this town,

and you're pulling drinkers
away from me.

No.
I'm just pulling a few...

Okay. Yes, I am.

But that wasn't my intent.

I'm just desperate
to make Tanner's tuition.

I'm sorry.

Well, all right.
Apology accepted.

But you've got to promise me
no more Booze Box.

I promise.

Welcome, everybody,
to The Silver Dollard Casino.

[Cheers and applause]

You spelled "dollar" wrong.

It's my last name, dorkus.

Listen up.
There's no more booze.

- [ All groan ]
- I'm sorry,

but I made a promise.

But on the plus side,
coffee and pop is only 5 bucks.

House rake is 10%.
Let's shuffle up and deal!

Hi.
You must be the owner here.

Well, I should be, yes.

Well, I'm Sasha,
and I was wondering

if you are interested
in maybe selling your home.

My company would make it
worth your while.

Oh. No, I'm kind of attached
to my man... woman cave, so...

A second ago,
you called it a casino.

- Did I?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm really not interested in
selling,

and this is a private party,
so, uh, hit the bricks, toots.

[Slap]

Gentlemen, start your wagers, and
somebody crank the music!

[Jazz music playing]

DAVIS: [Snoring]

[ Muttering ]

[ Rooster crows]

Come on.

There's more
of that good green stuff.

Just step in the loopy thing.

[ Branch cracks]

This is your lucky day, Bugsy.

Sounds like I got
bigger fish to fry.

Jumpin' Judy!
I thought you were a bear.

A Care Bear, judging by the look of that
bow.

"Hunger Games."
Starter set.

I suppose you're wondering
what I'm doing.

Not really. I'm just gonna assume it's
something brilliant

and move on.

I just came by to see if I could borrow
some of your tools.

I need to do some repairs
at the bar.

Help yourself. I'm good
with my Dutch Army Knife.

23 tools right here.

I count 24.

Do the Dutch even have an army?

Oh, who cares?

This baby does the job,

and it's way cheaper
than that Swiss thing.

Greedy Swiss.

Well, as fun as this is,
I got to get going.

Oh, by the way,

Karen wanted me to tell you
that she took your horse.

I don't even know
why you have a horse.

I'm just gonna lump it in
with all this other magic.

Took my horse?!
That...

Ohh!

Was that so hard?!

[Cellphone rings]

- [ Cellphone beeps]
- Oh, hey, Mom.

I'm with Dad.
Just hangin'.

[Chuckles]

That would be really funny
if you were here,

because he's act...

Yeah.
Yeah, I'll be right there.

Later, Rambo.
Mom says it's urgent.

Hey, hey!
I could use a little help here!

Use your Norwegian Navy Knife.

It's Dutch!
The Norwegians are useless!

So, you getting any takers?

Not yet,
but they'll come around.

First one to panic will sell
and start an avalanche.

It's a shame, really.
Nice little town.

Well, yeah, but we're
in the doughnut business,

not the "save our town" business.

These people
would have to be total idiots

not to see this place is doomed.

It's just too bad there wasn't some
other place to monopolize.

Coffee-shop lady's cute.

So offer her a job.

Let's go see if we can get ahold of the
town plans.

CN Holdings?

Why would the rail road
want to buy your house?

I don't know.

I don't want to sell, but there may
never be another buyer.

Can we afford
to miss this chance?

Just don't do anything yet.

Are you sure?
I mean, you might have to move.

Someplace nice
with a special someone.

Did I mention Lacey's coming
for dinner?

Just don't sell the house, okay?

If everything goes wrong,
I'll buy it.

I'll match their offer.

JEROME: Oh.

DAVIS:
Town hall's closed.

Something I can help you with?

Yeah, uh, we were hoping
we could get a look

at the town plans.

I could get you in there...
for a fee.

I'm a detective.

Hey, Jerome!
Come here.

Oh. Look, uh, if this is
about the franchise fee,

- I really can't help you.
- No, that's all good.

I just thought
you might be interested

in looking at another place
to set up shop.

I mean, an even better place.

Oh.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.

I mean, if there was ever
a place that deserved you guys,

it's this one.

Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum

[Door opens]

Our idiot son
left me hanging in a tree.

And Karen stole my horse.

EMMA: Thanks!

It's nice to hear
some good news.

Please?

Lookit, you...
you have to reconsider.

Without power, our town
doesn't stand a chance.

DEBBIE:
Your town's a bad risk.

You have to pay
outstanding debt first.

Isn't there something
that you can do?

We have these nifty 3-D magnets I can
send you.

Turn them at an angle, little light bulb
goes on and off.

How would that even...

Ohh.

Bunch of red tape
and bureaucratic bullcrap.

Oh, my God, I'm starting
to sound like Oscar.

What's this?

There are other ways
to get power from the grid.

OtherWaysToGetPowerFromTheGrid.
Com.

Is that even legal?

Well, it depends how you
define "legal," but... no.

By the way, where in town

are they setting up
the new Goff-Nuts?

Oh, that's dead.
I killed it.

- Huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, then how come
that Jerome guy

wanted to look at
the town plans?

- He did?
- Mm-hmm.

And then Hank showed up, and then they
drove off somewhere.

LACEY: Where?

Will you find him for me?
I'll pay you.

All right.

And so begins the case of
"Where Did Hank Take That Guy?"

Great.

- Can it begin now?
- Mm-hmm.

NOW!

Okay, okay.

- Bossy.
- What?

I am not.

ORB'!-

Wullerton?

[Both spit]

- Are you sure?
- Yep.

Hank bought some oil,
and then off they went.

DAVIS: Good to know.
Good to know.

Hey, Wanda.

Detective.

Officer.

- Can I help you with something?
- KAREN: Maybe.

I'm hearing rumors about
illegal gambling in town.

[coughs]

You two know anything
about that?

No.

But I am shocked and disgusted that this
is happening.

I mean, if it's happening.
I mean, these are rumors, right?

KAREN:
Yeah, rumors.

Detective?
What's the word on the vent?

Seriously, if there was a sniff of a
wager in this town,

I would know.

My friends would tell me.

Well, that's good enough for me.

I trust this man's instincts 100%.

ORB'!-

Either of you know anything about where
Oscar took my horse?

- He took your horse again?
- KAREN: Yeah.

Just now, apparently.

Mr. Sandman

Bring me a dream

Bum bum bum bum

So, uh, here it is.

- Amazing, huh?
- Yeah.

Yeah.
It's got everything, right?

You know, shops, uh, you know, trees,
over there, uh...

Oh, look at that.
A church-looking thing there.

Yep.
Everything but a Goff-Nuts.

Are you okay?

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm... I'm just, uh...

sickened... by how much better this town
is than ours.

Excuse me. Hi!
I don't mean to interrupt.

But we're putting on
a choir recital fundraiser,

and we have two tickets left.

It would be so great
to sell it out.

Oh, we're not interested
in any...

Here you go.

There you go.
Glad we could help.

It's starting soon.
We'll get you seated.

Here.

Yeah. Go ahead.
I'm right behind you.

A recital in a dark hall surrounded by
pure evil.

DAVIS:
Hello, stranger.

Davis!

What are you doing here?
You smoke?

[Chuckles] I was gonna
ask you the same thing.

Not the smoke thing.
The other thing.

I'm trying to get Jerome
to open up a Goff-Nuts here

so he wrecks this place
instead of Dog River.

Do you know what they want
with the town plans?

Town plans?
No.

But I heard Jerome
and that lady talking,

and it didn't sound good.

I mean, I should probably go
in there and try to find out,

but... I'm scared, Davis.

That place is full of...

People from Wullerton.

[Both spit]

And they're singing.

Let's get the hell out of here and
figure this out at home.

Yeah.

CN Transport.
CN Tower.

C&C Music Factory.

[ Beeping ]

Aw, come on!
Give me a break!

[Electricity humming]

Oh. Thanks.

Okay. CN Holdings.

Oh. Hello.

[Radio blares loudly]

Oh, for the love of Pete!

I can't believe
you missed dinner.

Huh? Oh.

Oh, my God.
I missed a dinner.

What have I become?

I know you're under stress, but this
meal was important to me.

I'm sorry, Mom.

My mind is a million
different places.

I'm up to my keister in debt, maybe even
more.

My keister's pretty low.

And look at this place.
It's dead.

Yet you can sit around
playing with your computer.

Well, this isn't "Angry Candy"
or "Birds with Friends."

I'm doing research
on CN Holdings.

Hey, guys!

Whoa! The power's back on!
What is up with that?

And just where the hell
were you?

Nowhere near there.

Oh, Emma.

Dinner.

Oh, I'm...
I'm so sorry I forgot.

I was, um...

Oh, man. You know what?
I can't tell you where I was.

But the power's on.
And isn't that great?

EMMA:
You two are unbelievable.

I hope you have a good life.

And don't even try to stop
by the Leroys' for leftovers.

There aren't any.

No leftovers?
Damn it.

[Door opens]

[ Door closes]

Brent, the lights are back on. The
power's on.

I made it happen.

And I did it... illegally.

- Oh.
- [ Squeals]

L-I'm a criminal now.

And you're whispering

because you think
the place might be bugged?

Hey, listen, speaking
of criminal activity,

there's something weird
going on around town.

There's a company
named CN Holdings

that's going door to door, offering to
buy people's houses.

Who's CN Holdings?

They're a subsidiary
of Goff-Nuts, Incorporated.

They handle all
the real-estate transactions

for the Goff-Nuts franchise.

But why would they
be buying houses?

This is unbelievable.

What are you thinking?

If it was just my mom,
how can there be no leftovers?

Focus!

Bum bum bum bum bum

Would you like
some lemonade, sirs?

We're raising money
for the less fortunate.

Right, right.

Let me guess.

Your name's Les,
and your name's Fortunate.

Seriously,
it's for a good cause.

Oh, sure.
Cause you want the money.

You two sure are good
at wordplay.

Is there a problem here?

Let's get the hell out of here.

More like, "Let's get out
of the hell here."

Enough with the wordplay.
Let's go!

Fitzy?

Hey!
Hey, I think I just saw Fitzy!

- Davis!
- [ Gasps]

Holy hell!
What happened to your face?

I'm a gumshoe.
Danger comes with the territory.

- What do you want?
- Karen stole my horse again.

I want to hire you to follow her and get
my horse back.

Oscar, we've already
been through this...

I'm willing to pay you
this time,

but I want a seniors discount.

I'll give you 10 bucks now...

- Hey.
- There she is.

[ Tires screech ]

No, I found her!

Wait!

Give me my money back!

I think I saw Fitzy.

- What was Fitzy doing there?
- HANK: I don't know.

I mean, I was pretty focused on saving
the Ruby and Dog River.

Which you almost destroyed
in the first place.

Lacey, could you
please tell Brent

that I refuse to speak to him

until he apologizes for screwing over
his once best friend?

Apologize?
For what?

Your lousy memory
or your delusions of grandeur?

Lacey, could you
please ask Brent

to leave my grandeur
out of this?

All right, you know what?
Just stop it, both of you!

We need to focus on
what Goff-Nuts and CN Holdings

are planning for Dog River.

To turn it into
a Western Divisional Depot.

I just got a ride home

from some very friendly people from
Wullerton.

[All spit 1

Very kind of... creepy friendly.

They are creepy, aren't they?

Yeah.
What happened to your face?

Never mind his face.
What's going on'?

Dog River just happens to be
a nice geographical hub

for western Canada.

CN Holdings plans to buy up the town and
use the infrastructure

for a huge factory
and storage facility.

What?
That's like cartoon evil.

You weasel in the grass.

I knew that you were up to no good the
first time I met you.

Wait a minute.

The only reason I'm here
is because Hank called me.

I'm not scheming
to ruin your little town.

Lacey told me
Dog River was dead.

That's the only reason
I called my bosses.

I like you people.

Personally, I hope you win this whole
"quaint town" contest.

Survive.
Good for you.

Well, we're not going down without a
fight.

Now, I've just had a very creepy and
stressful ride back.

I could really use a drink.

"[ Scoffs ] " [ Scoffs ]

Look, I'm here
to support your bar.

In fact, I'll buy
all the drinks tonight

if you open up a tab for me.

How about that?

All right.
I'll open up a tab.

Only because I need the money.

And I like free drinks.
But I don't like you.

So I'm gonna be serving you
with this face.

Hey, Sandy!
Bra-less... risky!

At the Copa

Copahavana

The hottest spot
here to Kelowna, whoo

Music and fashion and guys
with mustaches at the Cop...

Aw, crap.

That's not how it goes.

D.R.P.D.

I'm shutting this place down, people.

- [ Music stops]
- Hit the bricks.

[Grunts]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where do you think you're going?

Horne.

That was my fourth show tonight.
My heels are killing me.

Illegal gambling
is a serious crime.

Well, write me up
for a parking infraction,

and we'll call it a day.

Wanda...

don't push it.

"Don't push it."

Pretty tough talk
when your backup's a baby.

You know what really hurts?

Is that you and Davis
lied right to my face.

- Well, about Davis...
- [Door opens]

I hope you have a search warrant because

Hey, there's a casino
in my garage.

You seriously had no idea
this was happening?

"Oh, if there was a sniff
of a wager in town,

I'd know about it."

Man, doesn't get any stupider than that.

Aha! Keeping my horse
in a casino, eh'?

Holy hell.
We got a casino!

Where the hell's my horse?!

What are we gonna do now?

Drink as much booze as we can and run up
Jerome's tab.

What? No!
I mean about the town.

Lacey, could you
tell the bartender

that I would like another drink?

Oh, tell him yourself.

Well, now you're
just being rude.

Yes, that is a bottle.

You want two bottles?
You want to put sand in it?

I don't know what you're saying.

Is little Timmy
stuck in the well?

Whoa. Easy, there.

You know
what I've been thinking?

What is a girl from Toronto doing in a
small town like this?

- Well, I...
- You're smart. You're pretty.

You deserve better than this.

You do.

From the first moment
that I saw you, very first,

I really thought you and I,
we clicked.

Nope. No.
[Laughs] No.

- Come on.
- Sorry. No click.

Or crackle.

Not even a pop.

It's... It's more of a pffftthh!

Oh.

Well, that...
that's just because

you're not giving me a chance.

- Well...
- Why can't you be more friendly?

I mean, why can't you be more like the
people from Wullerton?

[Spits]

I think I'm in love.

Wow.
You're like a biker chick.

All right, buddy,
here's your tab.

Time to go.

I'm not ready to go.

Well, I'm ready for you to go.

You're getting a little sloppy, so
vamoose.

Or?

Or skedaddle, scurry, scoot.

I'll go when I'm good and ready.

As it turns out, I'm ready now.

It's a good thing he left
when he did.

Yeah, the last thing
you need now is legal troubles.

Whoa! Oof!

'Aah!
'[Thud]

Ow!

'[Thud]
- Ah!

That wasn't the sound
of a door slamming, was it?

- Mnh-mnh.
- I'm a Ford Tempo

You're a Maserati

You're the Great One,
I'm Marty McSorley

[ Electricity crackles]

Hey, sorry.
I don't think I can help you.

The pumps won't work
when the power's out.

- You Brent Leroy?
- Yeah. Who's asking?

You're being sued?

I'm more surprised
I got served like that.

I thought that only happened
in movies.

So I guess you're gonna
need a lawyer.

WANDA:
I could help you.

Oh, I think you've done enough.

But I have studied a ton
of law cases.

Cohen vs. Woytowich.

Barker vs. Tunney.

I've seen "Kramer vs. Kramer" like 10
times.

Come on.

Let me make this up to you.

I think I'll stick
with a professional.

We are going to submit
the following evidence...

contractor's quote
showing that the hotel bar

was in dire need of repair,

photos of the location
where the incident occurred,

a doctor's statement
listing injuries sustained,

as well as
a psychological examination

for undue stress caused by
the resulting incident.

Whoa.
Is this all from this case?

It is? Yikes.
[Chuckles]

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

I just... I just get the sweats.

Nerves.

I, um... I mostly handle pet-related
law.

Bites, fecal damage,

"your ferret ate my canary,"
stuff like that.

You're wearing a tie.
Smart.

[Chuckles]

May I borrow it?

All right, you're my lawyer.

Really? Yes!
Let's do this.

[ "Perry Mason" theme plays]

JUDGE:
Not guilty!

Okay!

Our case is up next.

JUDGE: Guilty!

Damn it!

Oh, I'm really sorry, Brent.

I really thought
I could do this.

I just thought that if I could make this
all disappear,

then maybe you'd forgive me for screwing
up your bar business.

There's nothing to forgive.

You were doing it for your kid.

We're good.

Really?

Wow.

All the years I've known you,
I don't think we've ever hugged.

Well, now you just
made it weird.

Everything in my life,
good or bad,

has happened
around this gas station.

It's all I know.

It's okay.

You're not just four walls
and some pumps.

There's a lot more to you
than that.

- Is that a fat joke?
- [ Chuckles]

[Engine turns over]

BRENT: Look, I'm sorry
I disappointed you both.

I screwed up the sale of the house and
now the gas station.

Generations of Leroys

have built this business
from the ground up.

Actually, your great-uncle
won it in a card game.

Used to be a bakery.

The most important thing
is we still have each other.

Friends and family
are all that counts.

OSCAR:
Money helps, too.

I, uh... I called
that Realtor woman.

She's coming tomorrow
to look at the house again.

What?

I got a family to take care of.

Wow, Dad, that is
the most reasonable thing

I've ever heard you say.

Besides, I can trap squirrels
in the city.

- And there's the crazy.
- Mm-hmm.

[Sighs]

Well, I... I guess
it's just time to move on.

Or?

Geez, Fitzy. Where the hell
did you come from?

I was crouching over there
in the tall grass.

I didn't want to interrupt.

What were you doing
in Wullerton?

[All spit 1

I've figured out a way to erase the
debt, repair the water pump,

and get Dog River
back to its old self again!

That doesn't involve
the lottery?

No, no.

We can have our town
back to normal if we...

agree to be annexed
by Wullerton!

[All spit 1

Annexed?!

Annexed?!

What does "annexed" mean?

Oh, it's Latin
for "Fitzy's an idiot"!

Nobody's annexing anything, buddy boy!

I agree with Dad!
Oh, dear.

Did you see what those vicious bastards
did to Hank and Davis?

Is there a problem here?

"Ohh!
"Ohh!

- Oh! Oh!
- Oh! Oh!

Ow. [Groans]

Were you two giving
those nice men trouble?

What do you people want?

If we don't let them annex us,

Goff-Nuts is gonna bulldoze the town and
put up a big warehouse.

[ Indistinct conversations]

Okay, everybody,
shut the hell up!

We've forgotten about
the contest.

It's not too late.

I mean, obviously,
our town isn't quaint.

But it doesn't have to be.

All we have to do is fool
that National Star woman

into thinking it is.

She arrives in... six hours.

We can do it.

We can clean up this mess,
run her down Main Street,

have some pie and coffee, and sweet-talk
her big-city heinie

into giving us the title.

We just need to get along
for one afternoon.

BRENT:
Lacey's right.

We may not be quaint,
but we're tremendous liars!

I say we give this
one last shot!

- Who's with us?
- [ Cheers and applause]

Yes!

I move we reinstate Lacey
as chairman of the committee.

And Myrtle seconds it.

L do?

Yes, you do.

All right!
Then let's do this!

We already said
we were going to do it.

Well, all righty, then.

Let's go!

One, two, one, two, one, two.

That's how I learned
about painting the town

When her mama said
to jump in a lake

I had a good time,
and it was her mistake

I got my head down,
sticking to the track

I got no plan
'cause that'll hold me back

I don't know, doo, doo, doo

Come make my house your home

Doo, doo, doo

Come make my house your home

- Doo, doo, doo -What do you think you're
doing?

When this is over,

you and I are going to square things
away with my horse.

I legally confiscated
that horse, so bring him back!

Back from where?
You stole him out in the woods!

Yeah, and then you took him back outside
Corner Gas!

What the hell are...
Oh, I get it.

This is some dirty-mind
cop game.

I think you mean
"dirty-cop mind game."

I think.

Why don't you get
your own horse?

Like this one.

What the deuce?!

KAREN: Emma!

Emma!

I'm sick and tired
of you two sneaking around.

So I took Big Slick
and made him my own.

And he's gonna be
up front and center

when that newspaper lady
gets here.

Isn't that right, Slick?

- His name is Socks.
- His name is Scope.

ORB'!-

Just make sure Socks

doesn't leave any donations
on the street.

[Sighs]

Something I can help you with?

Just, uh,
got a spot of rust there.

You might want
to keep an eye on it.

Will do.

What's with the shredded paper in the
back seat?

Oh, I finally cleaned out
the files in the back storeroom.

I always meant to do that.

I'm sorry what I said before.

You're a damn good
police officer.

I'm sorry for what I said, too.

I miss nap time.

Lacey wants me to escort
the National Star woman

with full lights and siren.

You should suit up
and ride along.

Really?

Could be our last chance
to be partners.

All right!

Okay, Davis,
this isn't very cop-like.

OSCAR:
I don't like this!

You got Scope all dolled up
like some kind of Glacier Girl.

What are you doing?

He's a war-horse.

He should march down Main Street all
proud-like.

But we need him
to pull the wagon.

Get some of your flower cronies to pull
the stupid wagon.

Honest to God, Dad,

you're gonna get that horse
or somebody else killed.

It's a T-shirt cannon,

but I want to modify it
to shoot confetti.

A T-shirt cannon?

Yeah, check this out.

Hey, Marvin.
You want a T-shirt?

Oh!

Better dial that back a titch.

Along the front bed.
Okay? Hurry!

Oh, you guys,
I said wear band uniforms.

These are our band uniforms.
We do a John Denver medley.

Huh. Oh, well. I guess
it's too late to change now.

Is that why you're wearing that?

[Laughs] Okay.

Listen, as soon as Hank
gets here with the judge,

start playing-

When the truck passes, fall in behind
and finish at the Ruby.

Chop-chop!

I don't have any confetti.
Would rice work?

Couldn't hurt to try.

They're coming!
Here they come!

Okay, everyone!
They're here! Places!

Just a few more.

Hurry.
Hurry!

LACEY: I think we may have
pulled this off.

[T-shirt cannon fires]

Oh!

Bag of rice was your idea.

- Hey!
- I hope you're happy!

Scope is missing.

I can't deal with this
right now!

I have to finish
planting flowers.

OSCAR:
My horse is missing,

and all you can worry about
is your stupid flowers!

- Whoa.
- Why, you!

Whoa!

Okay, buddy.

Let's you and me go for a walk.

Davis! Go!

Just turn on the lights!

Remember this moment, Karen.

Today's the day
that we saved Dog River.

- [ Engine turns over]
- What are you doing?

You're smoking?

Hasn't anyone seen
a detective movie?

Davis, I'm pregnant.

What, pregnant women
can't watch detective movies?

- Eee-ah!
- What were you thinking?!

Me? You're the one
that said use rice.

This is for shirts only!

See? Oh!

Just throw the stupid cigarette out the
window!

[ Both scream ]

Oh! Oh, crap.

You okay, partner?
You hurt?

Where's that cigarette?

[Fire crackling]

- Om 'Aah!

Fire!

Go! Go!

KAREN:
Fire! Fire!

[ Explosion, horse neighs]

All right, don't panic.

We'll deal with this
in an orderly fashion.

Fitzy, you're on fire!
You're on fire!

- Aah!
- Fitzy's on fire!

On fire! Aah!

[Camera shutter clicks]

I don't know what you people consider
quaint, but this is...

- Aaah!
- Whoa!

Crap.

Oh, my God! Brent!

[ Indistinct conversations]

Do you feel dizzy?

I don't know.

[Clears throat]

On behalf of Dog River, I extend a
hearty prairie welcome...

Oh, give it a rest, Fitzy.

I think it's safe to say
we didn't pull this off.

Hi. Um...

- Tina.
- LACEY: Tina.

I'm sorry that you had to come all the
way here and see this.

Okay, so the quaint thing
is out the window,

and our town is probably
gonna be bulldozed

and turned into a doughnut depot
or annexed by Wullerton.

[All spit 1

Oh, that's our thing we do.

But however this plays out,

we still have to be there
for each other.

The person who has tried the hardest and
fallen the farthest

is Brent.

So I think the least we can do

is help him
get back on his feet.

Because, honestly, you guys,

if Corner Gas can't survive, then none
of us can.

[People murmuring]

The town would love to help,
but the coffers are bone-dry.

Are you sure about that, Fitzy?

Karen's been writing
an awful lot of tickets.

- She has?
- ALL: Yes!

How many ticket books
did you go through?

Only five.

Five.

Again with the napkins?

DAVIS:
With the average ticket price...

Carry the 11.

[Whistles]

Holy crap!

Um, I think
we can help a little.

Good work, Officer Pelly!

Just doing my job.

Well, as some of you
may or may not know,

I have sort of been
running a sort of casino

out of, uh, some place.

So, um...

Here you go, pouty puss.

[coughs]

Whoa.
This is a lot of money.

Just don't make a big

whoop-dee-doo about it,
all right?

You know, just I saw
that you needed help, and...

Shut up.

- You are a good and loyal...
- I said shut up.

Okay, look, Brent,
I can't stay mad at you.

So, uh...

I've decided to sell shares in my new
venture-capital project

to... to donate to Brent.

Now, I can't say too much
about the project itself

except that it might
involve a rocket.

It's pretty awesome.

Or you know what?

You could all buy shares
in Brent's bar.

You mean we could be bar owners?

LACEY: Absolutely.

Brent has been telling me
what a blast he's been having.

Isn't that right, Brent?

He's like his own Ted Danson over there.

Ooh.
I like that Ted Danson.

This could work.
This could really work.

- [ Indistinct conversations]
- BRENT: Wait.

Hang on, everybody.
Hold up.

Anything that I get
is just gonna go to Goff-Nuts

or CN Holdings
because of the lawsuit.

This money should really go
to save the town.

OSCAR: I wish those corporate eggheads
were here right now.

We could launch a countersuit.

Right. But we didn't do so well last
time we went to court.

But you might do better
in the court of public opinion.

I don't follow you.

No offense, but the Quaintest Contest is
a lousy assignment.

But this?
This is pure gold.

Do me a favor.

Everyone squish in and smile.

Except you.
Try to look confused.

- Well, why are we...
- Perfect!

[Camera shutter clicks]

MAN:
So we just dropped everything?

The lawsuit?
The plans for the depot?

We had to. It would have been
a P.R. nightmare,

steamrolling the quaintest town in
Canada.

But they weren't named
the quaintest town in Canada.

No, but they were mentioned.

Well, I guess any press
is good press.

I don't know.
Did you see the Howler headline?

That "dirty ho"
kind of stings a bit.

You know what really stings?

The fact those Wullerton weirdos [Spits]
bailed us out

by doing all that fundraising for Dog
River.

Yeah, I know. Choir recitals, lemonade
stands.

Those self-serving bastards.

The important thing is that, um...

you apologized, and I accepted.

Neither of those things happened.

Oh.

How about I buy you lunch,
we call it even?

Eh.

Hey, don't be cheap!

You better not have checked
any boxes on your new contract.

No.

I circled a few things, though.
That okay?

Guess we'll see in 25 years, rookie. [
Chuckles]

- More bursary applications? -Nope.
Cruises.

Tanner's grades weren't good enough to
get into university.

- Oh.
- Oh, well.

He got a job up north,
and he's making so much money

that he is sending me
on a vacation.

- Wow!
- Good kid.

Thick as a walnut.

So, you're not upset
you sold the bar?

I'm anything but upset.

Thank you, by the way, for your great
idea of selling shares.

LACEY:
You're welcome.

Hey, do I get a hug
for my great idea?

I suppose you've earned it.

What?

They did a...

lippy-kissy thing.

WANDA: Brent...

you just kissed
an actual human female.

She likes you!

Ask her out, you jackass!

Yeah, I did ask her out,
like two years ago.

I said yes,
if this still isn't clear.

You guys have been a couple
for two years?

How can you not know this?!

We go to the bar together.

We go to movies together, shopping
together.

So much for everyone
knowing everyone's business.

Oh, my God.

This is incredible news!

I can finally
have grandchildren!

Oh. No, we've discussed it.
We're not gonna have kids.

I'm not sharing my comic books

with some grubby
little jam-hands.

Son of a...

[The Odds' "My Happy Place" plays]

I don't know the same things
you don't know

I don't know

I just don't know

And I forget
the same things you forget

But you predict what surely hasn't
happened yet

Ooh, ooh, ooh

It's a great big place

Full of nothing but space

And it's my happy place

I was pretty focused on trying to save
the Ruby and Dog River.

[Ringtone playing]

Oh, somebody's got to put something in
the tip jar.

Whose bag is that?

I don't know what that is.

- Whose bag could that be?
- God.

How embarrassing.

Welcome to the '90s.

Everybody say hi to my mom.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom!

I'm shooting, and I should've had my
phone off, Mama.

- They're filming it.
- She just cost me 28 grand!

I love you.

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,
take one.

Oh, that was very good.
I like that one.

Chicken for beef, take five.

Chicken for chicken, take two.

The last...

MAN:
That looks great.

[ "Not a Lot Goin' On" plays]

Okay, here we go.

You can tell me
that your dog ran away

Then you tell me
that it took three days

I've heard every joke

I've heard every word
you're saying

You think
there's not a lot goin' on

Look closer, baby,
you're so wrong

And that's why
you can stay so long

Where there's not a lot
goin' on

ALL: Yeah!

Haaaa!

Bluah! Bluah!

Eeuah!
[Laughs]

112, take 6.

Wow.
We're [bleep] terrible.

[ Both scream ]

- Holy crap!
- Whoa!

- Hang... Hang on!
- Whoa!

Whoa. Ah.

That's just acting, kids.

Karen! Hi!

You know,
that just threw me off.

I'm gonna...
Sorry. I'll be right back.

[ Laughter]

You can tell me
that your dog ran away

Then you tell me
that it took three days

I've heard every joke

I've heard every word
you're saying

You think
there's not a lot goin' on

But look closer, baby,
you're so wrong

And that's why
you can stay so long

Where there's not a lot
goin' on

MAN: Action!

Oh, for the love of Pete!

WHOOPS!

BRENT: Oh, it was you.
Well, good.

It's about time somebody
called one of these things.

No? Just kidding. Okay.
We'll start over. Sorry.

You're doing great, buddy.
You are making my career.

This horse is making my career.

Gentlemen, start your wagers!

Oh! It's... Oh!
Pbht!

Gentlemen, start your wages!

No! God!
I'll be back.

MAN: Action!

[Roaring]

[Panting]

[ Laughter]

[Goofy music plays]

[ "Not a Lot Goin' On" plays]

You can tell me
that your dog ran away

Then you tell me
that it took three days

I've heard every joke

I've heard every word
you're saying

You think
there's not a lot goin' on

But look closer, baby,
you're so wrong

I roll my eyes back
into my happy place

I'm always gonna need
this sense of space

And in the amber wave
under a rolling cloud

I can't hear what you say
'cause you're talking so loud

How many times
you gonna get me wrong?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You think
there's not a lot goin' on

Well, look closer, baby,
you're so wrong

And that's why
you can stay so long

Where there's not a lot
goin' on

I'll tell you
what happened to Phil.

Er.

I'll tell you
what happened to Phil.

I'll tell you
what happened to Phil.

I'll tell you
what happened to Phil.

Need a lighter.

I'll tell you
what happened to Phil.

[Laughs]

I'll tell you
what happened to Phil.

Really, I will.
[Laughs]

I'll tell you
what happened to Phil.

You better believe it

Under a sky that's always wrapped around
you

[ Laughter]

You could get lightning on you

Strikes twice

You better believe it

Under a sky that's always wrapped around
you

Good luck

You know you're gonna need it

With the rain,
you could get lightning on you

Strikes twice

You better believe it

Under a sky that's always wrapped around
you

Good luck

You think
there's not a lot goin' on

You think
there's not a lot goin' on

You think
there's not a lot goin' on

[Cheers and applause]

[Horn honks]