Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Gene, what are you doing?

Why are you opening the cash register?

-[Gene] Found the pickle! -[Tina] Dang.

I thought that was a good hiding spot.

Kids, please don't put a pickle in the cash register.

I-I shouldn't have to say that.

Dad, that attitude's not really in

the spirit of Hide the Pickle.

Do you think maybe you could play a different game?

Or not play a game and just help?

Also, maybe you shouldn't call

-the game Hide the Pickle. -Why?

What's wrong with Hide the Pickle?

Well, it-- Uh, never mind.

Hey, Sergeant Bosco.

Are we under arrest? Ha-ha.

-Oh, God, are we? -Not as far as I know.

So, Bob, how's things?

I'm actually doing pretty good.

Listen, Bob, let me just interrupt your rambling

and cut to the chase here,

I need you to teach me how to be a burger cook

for an undercover operation.

-[others gasp] -Uh, what?

You'll be compensated for your time,

and you and your family will be anonymous and unconnected

to this investigation in every way.

-W-Wait... -Undercover operation?

I'll take this one, Dad.

Yes, Sergeant Bosco, we are one hundred percent in.

Ooh, undercover. Who you going after? The mob?

Or a bunch of naughty surfers,

like in that movie where Keanu Reeves

gets all mad and shoots his gun up in the air?

He probably killed a bunch of birds.

Investigating officers aren't allowed

to divulge details of the case to citizens who assist

in officer training.

Well, I'm sure you can tell us,

since we're part of this investigation now.

-N-No, we-we're not. -You can't back out now.

-We're in too deep -[Bob] Tina...

If you can't tell us anything, then,

darn, I think we might be too busy to help.

Guess you'll have to find another burger restaurant.

Ugh, bummer. -

I don't want to have to find another restaurant.

I already did the paperwork for this one.

-Yeah... -[sighs] Okay, fine.

Just don't tell the chief I told you.

The guy we're going after is a veteran thief.

Jewelry, uncut gems, art. And he's got a crew.

They just pulled a job. I mean, we think it was them.

But we don't have a smoking gun. That's where you come in, Bob.

This guy, Vincent Bartos, he's got a burger joint.

-Really? -It's a front.

Lots of bad guys have fronts.

They launder money through 'em.

Garages that don't fix any cars, crappy restaurants

that don't have any customers.

-Dad, are we a front? -Louise.

But get this, our guy, he's starting

to take his burger place a little more seriously,

actually trying to make good food.

-Dad, you should try-- -Yeah, yup, Gene, thank you.

He fired his last line cook and he's advertising

for a real, legit, experienced burger cook.

We got a warrant to send me in undercover.

I have a job interview in a week.

I don't get it. You're gonna

make burgers for the guy until he confesses?

No. We know the restaurant's a meeting place for his crew.

Anything I overhear while working there is admissible.

We pull him in, we prosecute.

Oh, and, uh, my undercover name is Joe Josephs.

That way I only have to remember the one name.

Um... Is this guy dangerous?

No. I mean, maybe

he's cut off a few fingers in the past of people

-who have double-crossed him. -[Bob/Linda] Oh.

As one does.

-Maybe. Unconfirmed. -Hmm.

Relax, Bob, it's only dangerous for me.

But if my cover gets blown and I get killed,

it will be mostly your fault.

For not doing a good job preparing me.

But no pressure.

-Great. -Mm...

And to repeat, you will remain anonymous

and unconnected in any way.

I sent in a fake résumé with fake references.

And as far as Vincent knows, I worked at a place

in Long Island called Grillsville,

which is no longer there.

He called the number I gave for reference,

and he got my buddy Mack, who's a cop

and who's amazing at accents.

Wh-What accent did he do?

I don't know. Italian or something.

-Why Italian? -'Cause Mack's Italian.

So he's just doing his normal voice.

I'm just saying, my backstory's covered.

I just need to learn how to tie my apron

and twirl a spatula, or whatever burger guys do.

-Um... -Come on, Dad.

-[Louise/Tina] Please! -Please, please, please!

-[kids] Please! -[Bob sighs]

-Okay, I-I'll teach you. -[kids] Yay!

How many weapons do we each get? Ten?

You're gonna need wigs. Everybody go get their wigs.

[Bob] Okay, uh, so...

Meat goes on the grill?

Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah.

I'm just, uh, trying to think how to teach this.

-Uh, Bob? -Yeah?

You know everyone knows how to cook a burger, right?

Everyone has a grill. Everyone makes burgers.

My neighbor makes burgers every weekend,

and he is by far the dumbest guy I've ever--

Yes. I-I know. Everyone makes burgers.

But in a restaurant, it's all about consistency.

Can you make a good burger 20 times in a row?

Money-- will people give it to you?

[Bosco] Totally. That's great.

Um, are you looking at men's bathing suits?

Yes. When the new suits come out,

I like to see what's available.

-I need you to listen. -Ugh, fine!

Hey, teach me the lingo. That'll be good.

How do you say, "Cheeseburger, rare, hold the onion"?

Uh, I mean, just like that?

No, no, you should say something like,

um, "Burn one, bloody, yellow blanket, no tears!"

Or, "One brown round, no crown in the mouth,

then flush it down."

"One hot, single beef boy,

-no wedding ring." -Kids, come on.

Sometimes I call French fries spud buddies.

Linda, can you make them do things out there?

Right, right, right. Kids, go, work.

-[Gene] Mm. -Ooh, ooh! What if you say,

"One Patty LaBelle, not so well,

-no smell"? -Oh, that's good.

Thank you, Lin. Helpful.

So all of these went on at different times, right?

We need to keep track of each one.

When to flip, when to take it off,

which of them are rare,

-which are med-- -[Bosco] Oh! The nozzle

-of the ice cream maker. -What?

-[Louise] Nope. -Sergeant Bosco, you can't play

-Hide the Pickle with my kids. -What?!

I mean, stop playing that game with them.

-Louise, stop. We're busy. -[Louise] Fine!

-All right. Okay. -What's his dill?

♪ Joe Josephs, Joe Josephs ♪

♪ You're under arrest ♪

♪ Joe Josephs, Joe Josephs ♪

♪ He plays Hide the Pickle the best ♪

♪ Joe Josephs, Joe Josephs ♪

♪ This burger training's putting him to the test ♪

Long day. No lunch break?

No. We're a lunch place.

It would be pretty hard to take a lunch break.

-Order up. -All right. You know what?

Let's see what you've learned. You make it.

-Oh. -I make it?

-Yup. Go ahead and make it, Joe. -Who's Joe?

Isn't that the cover name you told us to call you?

Oh, right. You, uh, you just said it weird. So...

-make it myself? -Yes!

The thing you wanted me to teach you.

That I've been trying to teach you all day.

-Make a burger! -Oh, wow. The big show.

You've been training for this your whole life

for a couple hours today.

You can do it, Sergeant Bosco.

-Maybe. -Okay.

Uh, first I...

put a patty on the grill?

-Yes. -Nailing it.

-Where are they again? -In the-- in the fridge.

The meat's in the fridge. So, you're gonna...?

Take it out?

-Yes, and... -Cook it?

Yes, and...

Cook it real good.

-[disappointed groans] -Season the patty. Right?

When it goes on the grill, season the patty.

Okay, okay, you didn't tell me that.

I told you five times. You weren't listening.

You were playing Hide the Pickle!

I thought that was part of the training!

-It should be. -[sighs]

You said you needed to learn how to pass as a burger cook!

I told you to teach me some of the lingo.

Seasoning! There. That's lingo!

It's a super cool restaurant word.

-"Seasoning." -That's not cool.

But it can be spicy. [chuckles] Sorry.

You're not gonna fool anyone. They'll know you're lying.

They'll know you're a cop.

You're gonna be in danger and when they have your funeral,

I'm gonna go and tell everyone

that I tried to teach you how to put

salt on a patty, but you never listened!

Fine, I quit!

[grunting] How do you untie this apron?

-Aw... -[phone ringing]

What is it? Oh, oh, hi, Chief.

Really? No.

No, it's fine. Uh, I can do it.

That was the chief.

The job interview got moved up. It's today at 3:00 p.m.

-What? -So, uh,

what were you saying about seasoning?

I was saying sometimes it's spicy.

Oh, oh, oh, you meant, um... O-Okay.

The interview's today? We were supposed to have a week

-to teach you. -I don't know, Bob,

apparently the guy called

and said we could move up the interview to today,

and my chief thinks if I say no,

he'll hire someone else, so I'm going.

He moved the appointment to today?

What if you have plans?

Yeah, like learning how to cook a burger

so you can go undercover as a burger chef.

The chief wants me to go, but, uh, that still leaves us, um,

ten minutes? So... teach.

Good, this time. Are you looking at my hands?

-Um... -'Cause parts of 'em

might get chopped off, or...?

-The finger parts? -Is it better to spend

-this time making fake fingers? -Stop it.

-You're freaking me out. -Okay, okay.

Uh, oh, God. So, um...

All right, there's not enough time to make you not bad

at cooking burgers.

I-I think we just need to teach you how to fake it

so you can get through this interview.

Then, if you actually get the job,

we can start trying to teach you again.

-Bob, ten minutes. -All right. I guess,

just act like the old-timers do.

Those guys don't read any blogs.

They don't even like cooking, I don't think.

So, just say, "I just do it how I do it.

I don't know all the fancy words."

I like that! I don't know how to do it.

I just do it how they... How you do it!

-What? No. -But close enough though, right?

Feels right. I don't know all the words.

I just do it how I do it.

Whoa. I just believed that.

I'm a burger guy, I'm not trying to make a big blog show.

Ugh. Lost me. Wait. No. Still works.

-Yeah. -Yeah. -Yeah.

LINDA: Bob, you okay?

You've been doing that for...

not too alarming an amount of time.

Maybe he's finally getting serious about wiping.

-I'm not there yet. -Uh, I'm just...

We haven't heard from Bosco,

and I'm very, very, very nervous about it.

Because of the whole "if he doesn't seem

"like a real burger chef, then they'll know he's a cop,

and his fingers might get chopped off" thing?

-Yes, Tina. -Got it.

Ugh! This is the not fun part

of undercover work, being

with your even-more-than-usual stressed-out dad.

I should be at that thief's restaurant

butterfly-knifing all over the place.

But instead, I'm here looking for the pickle,

which is right here!

-Damn. -I'm sure Bosco is fine, Bob.

Not hearing from him could be a good thing.

Maybe it's going great, and-and they're ha-- they're just--

they've just been shaking hands and nodding

for the last 30 minutes.

-[phone rings] -[Bob gasps]

-Hello? -Whoa.

-That's an intense greeting, Bob. -Oh. Hey, Teddy.

I-I thought you were someone else.

Sometimes I do too, Bob.

Anyway, I missed lunch

'cause the job I'm on is taking forever.

But I'm gonna make it for an early dinner.

I'm really craving a burger right now.

I'm getting the shakes,

which is not good because I'm on a roof.

-Uh-huh. -I-I just want to make sure

Mort wasn't in my seat.

-What? What?! -I know it's weird.

I-I mean, I like the guy.

It just bugs me if I'm not there and Mort's in my seat.

-He's got his own seat. -Yeah, Mor-Mort's not here, Teddy.

-Did he tell you to say that? -No.

No. Teddy, I-I got to go.

Would you just put something on the seat so no one sits in it?

-Like a menu or a hat? -Mm. Yup, yup.

-[door bells jingle] -Hi. Welcome to Bob's Burgers.

-Let me get you a menu. -Actually, you know what?

I think I know what I'm getting.

I'll have the Burger of the Day. The, uh,

-Your Swiss Is On My List burger. -You got it.

I've been meaning to try this place for a while.

I'm hearing really good things.

Uh, Bob, you want to stop wiping and, uh, go do a burger?

Huh? Oh. Sorry. Uh, I'll-I'll get that started for you.

So, New Burger of the Day every day, huh?

Oh, uh, yeah.

He doesn't feel the same way about underpants.

-Louise. -It's unfortunate.

Well, it's good to challenge people's expectations, right?

About the burgers, not the underpants.

Ha. Yeah. Uh, yeah, thank you.

Ugh! There's nowhere else to look! Where is it, Louise?

And don't say it's in your stomach

'cause you two made it very clear

we weren't allowed to eat it... anymore.

Sorry about them. They're playing Hide the Pickle.

It-It's a game where they... hide-hide a pickle,

and then, they find it.

He knows, Dad. It's literally in the name.

I'm gonna use the bathroom real quick, or I can hold it

if, uh, there's a pickle in there that needs finding?

-We've checked. There isn't. -[door bells jingle]

-Bob, we have to talk. -Bosco. You're okay.

You're alive! Oh, thank God.

Oh, I-I didn't get you killed. That's so great.

Now our dad can stop doing his anxious butt clenches.

So, how'd the interview go? Did you get the job?

You joining the burger-making nation?

Well, I ju... You may get a call about someone

who used to work here, and I-I just need you

to pretend you know what they're talking about.

Is that Joe?! What do know?

-Vincent?! -Huh?

-Vincent?! -Whoa.

What's going on?

[laughs] Wow, Vincent.

I love that you're here.

This is so good.

Should I go get the wigs?

So, yeah, Bob, this is Vincent.

Vincent, this is Bob.

And Linda. And their... children.

We're the children that you saw before, and also now.

-Hello again. -Hi.

And I'm Joe, which we all know.

Okay, that's enough introducing.

So, Joe, you came by to visit your old boss?

W-Wait, wh-what?

Yup. Sure did.

Can't keep me away, can you, Bob?

Uh, y-yeah.

Yeah, look at us.

My old boss and, hopefully, my new boss.

Don't you two fight over me now.

-[Bosco and Louise laugh] -[Linda chuckles awkwardly]

Uh, one Burger of the Day, for-for you.

Thank you, Bob. Looks great.

Oh, hey, Bob, uh...

Will you show me your, uh, spatula

-that you were talking about? -What-what?

You know, you know, the-the cool one, uh,

that you got that you really wanted to show me.

That one, remember?

Oh, okay.

I kind of want to see this spatula.

[Bob] Why is the jewel thief in my restaurant?

It was going sort of bad.

I said that "I don't know how to do it,

I just do it" thing you said.

That's not what I said to say.

And then, he was like, "The place you used to work

"isn't around anymore.

-Did you work anywhere else?" -So you said here?

Yes, and he really liked that. He-He's heard of you.

So, do you think he's on to us?

Just... [stammers] I'm not sure. Maybe he just decided

he had to eat at Bob's Burgers right away, right?

Or he thinks I'm a cop

and you're the guy who helped the cop,

and he's here to feel it out

and maybe kill both of us. It's hard to know.

-Oh, my God. -Bob, just keep it together, Bob.

We just got to keep it together.

Oh, like how you blurted out the name

of my restaurant at your interview, Joe Josephs?

You see? This is why I couldn't work here anymore.

You never supported me.

Uh, great spatula, Bob.

So glad we went to go look at it.

I'm gonna seriously consider getting that one for myself.

Yeah. Y-You should get one.

-Then you can flip each other off. -Gene.

Uh, so, uh, h-how's the burger?

It's amazing. You are an artist.

Oh, uh, thank you.

Uh, that's, uh, how I taught Joe, also, too.

To-to be that-that way.

Ha. Yeah. I just do...

what you do. How you do it.

-Yup. -Yup.

Uh, Tina, Gene, Louise, how-how would you like to go

play your Hide the Pickle game upstairs?

Doesn't that sound fun?

Dad, the pickle is still hidden down here.

Uh-huh, sure, uh,

but maybe you could just use a different pickle

that's in the upstairs fridge?

Y-Yeah, yeah.

-Whoa. -[gasps] -A different pickle?

Do you hear yourself right now?

-Yeah, seriously, Bob? -So, Joe,

visiting the old stomping grounds, huh?

Oh, yeah, visiting the place that I worked in.

And, uh, there was that spatula question I had for Bob.

-You know, chef stuff. -[Gene] Spat chat.

-[door bells jingle] -Oh, no.

-Hey. Teddy. -Hey, Teddy. -[Louise gasps]

Teddy knows Bosco.

-He'll ruin everything. -Oh, no.

I-I... Remember, I told you guys to put a menu

or a hat on my stool? Bob, what happened?

Putting a man there is not saving it.

Every other seat is empty.

What happened? Nothing against you, sir.

Uh, nothing against... You seem fine, but...

One Burger of the Day, please, Bob.

Uh, to-go, though, right?

Right. Wait, what?

Uh, you're-you're getting this to-go.

You called earlier and you said you'd swing by

and pick up a burger to-go.

I did? I don't remember doing that.

Oh, God, what else did I do?

Uh, I'll go, I'll go make it right now.

Linda, maybe, uh, you should chat with Teddy.

He seems like he's... you know, he want, uh, wants to chat.

Uh, love to chat with Teddy. Uh...

-Teddy, you got new pants? -I don't know.

They're not new, but there's something new.

-Turn this way. -Oh, yeah, there's a swagger.

-I see it. -There's a swagger?

Oh, almost done.

You know what? This one's on the house

since you, uh, since you're thinking about hiring Joe, here.

No. No, no, no. Please.

On the house, what? Hi.

-Hey. How you doing? -Wait, who's Joe?

-Hey, it's, uh-- -[Bob] Burger's almost ready, Teddy!

Not pants, shoes!

-What? -New shoes. Isn't that it?

Yeah, scuffed-up work boots.

You must have paid a pretty penny for those.

Good scuffing. Nothing worse than a bad scuff job.

[whistles] Must be nice.

So close. Just moments away, Teddy.

Uh, I know you're in a hurry.

-Funny vibe in here. -Nope.

-Normal. Nor-Normal vibe. -Yeah, I don't see it.

Are you good? Uh, can I clear that?

[groans] Almost there, Teddy!

It's, like, exciting, but you only have two customers.

-Three. -Well, he's not a customer, of course, Teddy.

-[Teddy] Huh? -Joe. Joe's not a customer.

Done! Mm.

Uh, hot off the grill. Here you go.

Get this home as fast as possible.

Uh, y-you know, you want to,

you want to eat it hot, right? It's a burger.

I could eat it right here.

No, no, you have those plans.

It's fine, we get it. You know what?

-This one's on the house, too. -[door bells jingle]

-It is? This is free? -We hate money.

We're post-capitalists.

-See you soon, buddy. -Okay.

-Uh, bye, everybody. -[door bells jingle]

Well, uh, glad you came by. N-Nice to meet you.

Love this. You all getting a chance to meet.

You know, I just... This is kind of a golden opportunity.

I feel like I can't pass it up.

Oh, yeah? Uh, what's that?

I mean, we can kind of complete the interview right now.

I've had Bob's amazing burger.

You're here. I want to taste one of yours.

Oh. Um...

Well, sure.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

[whispers] Use the special spatula.

Okay, here I go then, into the kitchen,

where the grill is.

[Bob] Y-Yeah, you don't, you don't have to say that.

Bye-bye.

Well, I'll just, uh, take this, um...

Oh, the cup. [chuckles] Back into the kitchen.

And, uh, and w... and wash it.

Yeah, sure, but no coaching. This is a tryout.

No way. Why-- Wouldn't-- Yeah.

I get it. I... [stammers] You don't need to,

with-with Joe.

He's so good. Joe Josephs.

[faucet running]

[whispering] Get the patty out of the fridge

and season it with salt and pepper.

[whispering] Right, right. Where's the salt and pepper?

-Above the grill with the spices. -Salt is a spice?

Oh, my God, we're gonna get murdered.

Oh. Uh...

I got to help Bob with that cup.

Uh, in case he breaks it. Yeah, you know chefs, so clumsy.

Bob, I got an idea. The to-go burger.

Oh, but I got to hurry, so I don't miss Teddy.

What? [screams] I mean, ah...

That's such a good amount of salt to use.

Teddy, I need you to come back

-with your to-go bag. -[Teddy over phone] What?

I-I-I know it sounds weird,

but-but come back as fast as you can and bring the burger

and meet me in the back alley, okay?

It's, um, we want to make you a different burger.

Can I eat this one

and then you can also make me another one?

[Linda over phone] No, Teddy.

That one... it's no good.

Uh, it fell on the floor, and then a fly sat on it

and-and a cockroach.

-It's not a deal breaker. -Teddy, just come!

I forgot to ask you how you'd like that cooked.

Medium, please. Thank you.

Medium. Got it. Just medium?

-Like, right up the middle? -Right up the middle.

Middle-medium.

One Malcolm in the Middle. Coming up.

Just gonna flip this bad boy.

Ooh.

-Oh-oh. -Oh. -Oh.

-Oh... -Well, I just do it

how you would do it, you know?

Oh, thank God.

Give me the burger, Teddy. Thank you so much.

-[grunting] -I-I just... I just...

need this, Teddy. Let it go.

We're gonna make you a special burger,

so much better than this one.

-When? Can I have it now? -30 minutes.

Buy a newspaper or something.

A newspaper? What is this, 1986?

What am I gonna s-see how Dukakis is doing in the polls?

Teddy, trust me. Go!

Ugh! Fine.

[whispering] Bob, Teddy's burger.

It's untouched, mostly. Bag's warm.

-Ha. You're a genius. -Oh, I know.

Just gonna put the patty on the bun. Whoops. Whoops.

Whoops. Line it up a little better there.

The cheese is melted, right?

Yeah, yeah. It is. It's totally melted.

Okay. Go ahead and sit down.

It's taste test time.

-The best kind of test. -What are you doing?

I'm switching it out, so he eats my burger.

Wait, what? But I think I did pretty good.

And I just, I worked so hard for this.

Are you kidding me?

Okay. Here's the burger.

-Enjoy. -Oh, looks good.

Yeah it does. Nice one, Uncle Joe.

All right, all right, all right. Don't make a big deal.

-He's modest and grumpy. -Uncle Mumpy.

♪ ♪

-It's delicious. -[all sigh]

Oh, good.

Oh, I-I mean, oh, food is, uh, is good.

Oh, my God, I got to say,

Joe, I kind of thought you were, like,

-not a chef at all. -[laughter] -Not a chef. This guy?

-Such a chef. -Uh, but, uh, I feel like maybe,

you know, your style is just unconventional

because you had such an unconventional teacher.

I mean, the way you cook, honestly, it makes no sense

and, frankly, defies everything I know about food,

but maybe that's just 'cause I have more to learn.

Thanks. I guess.

Glad you liked it. So, do I get the job or what?

Joe, I think I found my new chef.

-Great. -Nice. -All right.

Well, I better get going. I'll give you a call tomorrow.

Bob, Linda, kids, it's been a true pleasure.

Who's your favorite?

-Uh, I liked the Teddy guy. -Damn it.

I hope I can feed you all at my place sometime.

-Ooh, what do you serve? -Um... burgers?

Oh. I was hoping it was kabobs.

-You're my least favorite. -[groans]

-[door bells jingle] -[phone rings]

-What is it? -Oh, my God.

This is a nightmare.

It's never gonna end.

We have to actually teach him how to cook

or he's gonna blow it on his first day,

which is what, tomorrow?

Oh, Bob, we'll figure it out. We got this far.

-We could be undercover cops. -You could.

I-I'm missing something.

Louise, we won, but we lost

'cause Bosco's really got to cook now.

We switched the burgers. That one was mine.

I don't have to cook. It's over.

-Investigation's over. -[others] What?

That was the chief. Vincent's not our guy.

They got a match on partial fingerprints

we found at the scene. Someone else on file.

So, they're arresting that guy for the heist.

-So you can turn down the job? -Yup.

I'll tell 'em I broke my arm tonight

doing something really cool. Is Rollerblading cool?

Visor or no visor?

I honestly don't think I could've cut it anyway.

You have a really stressful job.

I mean, I've been shot at, stabbed, planted a ton of drugs,

but I-I think I'd rather do my job than yours.

Oh. Thanks?

Wait a minute, fingerprints

from another criminal were at the scene?

Fingerprints? From another criminal's fingers?

Don't you guys get it?

Is it something about fingerprints?

He used someone else's cut-off finger

to put their fingerprints at the scene.

-Nah. -Yeah. Uh, V-Vincent wouldn't do that.

He-he-he called me an artist.

I'm right. I solved this case. You guys are dumb.

You couldn't even find the pickle,

and I hid it right under your faces, right here.

Wait, where is it?

Still got it.

-[all scream] -I couldn't wait, Linda!

I just want a burger. Burger!

♪ ♪

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org