All language subtitles for Uncle S03E04

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Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.MY-SUBS.com

As smooth operations
go, this one's up there.

- Have you just given her anything?
- Just put the local in.

She's dumped her pressure
and her sats are dropping.

OK, give me adrenaline,
hydrocortisone, 200 milligrams.

- Shall I carry on or stop?
- Stop!

Stop!

This is officially the best day ever.

Comfy hospital gown... check.
Trashy hospital mag... check.

If this bed had a vibrate
button, I could die happy.

- You're not convincing anyone.
- Fine.

I'm starving. Seriously, who can
go 12 hours without eating anything?

Andy! Can you stop moving about?

He's probably thinking about all the primo
drugs that are in this building right now.

I wasn't! Until you mentioned it.

And, actually, I was worried
about my sister. Thank you.

You don't need to worry. It's just
a lumpectomy. I'm going to be fine.

And I get that you're detoxing, but can you
stand still? Cos you're making me nauseous.

Nauseated. Nauseous means you're
making other people nauseated.

Whatever. You know what I mean.
And why are you being so snippy?

Judging by his jumper,
he's gone full Robert Smith.

Or maybe he has a girlfriend.

Sam, be rational.

- Come on, sweetie, what's up?
- They should make hospital gowns red.

That way, they can at least
blend in with all the blood.

I regret letting you watch American Psycho.

- Who is it?
- It's Mum. She's asking if you've had your roots done,

and I quote, "The surgeon won't care
about you unless you care about yourself."

Aww! Mum of the Year!

Hospital parking is the
worst. 50 quid for a day?

I could buy a black-market kidney
for that. So! What's shaking?

I am reading which celebs are
in a messy break-up this month,

Andy's detoxing and Roly's sulking.

- He's not sulking.
- Speaking of sulky teens, Tiff sends her love.

- Aww!
- Oh, and Claire. - Eurgh! Mwah!

- You look so beautiful.
- What did I tell you?

I'm not being sentimental.

I'm an emotional rock.

- I'm wearing paper knickers.
- Oh!

Mum, is this really the time?

Any day that I'm legally allowed
to pump myself full of drugs

- is a win.
- So lucky.

What? Oh, yeah, cancer's terrible. Yeah.

Hi, Samantha. So, the surgeon
has five procedures today

and you are second on the list,

so you shouldn't have too long to
wait. Do you have any questions?

What is the Wi-Fi password?

Fine, I'll just try "hospital1234".

Oh, how do people do this?

- Sit still?
- Manage stress without drugs.

It's not like you were doing drugs
all the time. What's different now?

Now, I am officially an addict,
and as soon as you tell me

I can't have something,
I want it even more.

I went mental when they
discontinued curry Twiglets.

- So how did you manage stress before?
- There was no before.

I had my first spliff when I was 11.

Don't look at me like that.
I looked old for my age.

- And I didn't have a stable home life.
- And I do?

Fair enough.

I know, I know. I've got to find...

a better way to filter my feelings,
but I'm not a fucking fish tank, am I?

Well, you've only been clean about a week.

Why don't you just try thinking
about something else? Like Melodie.

- The one that got away?
- Yeah, that'll help.

- How long's she been in there?
- 40 minutes.

- Definitely feels longer. - That's
what she said. - Don't steal my act.

How are you so calm?

I'm a man of science. Feelings
have no place in a hospital.

What is it?

"Stay arm, we're shit, kiss-kiss".

Whatever.

Right... Here's something
fun that'll keep us busy.

Uncle Frank taught me this. If you stare
directly at it, then the coin is yours.

And when you've got it, you've
got to get me to stare at it.

Then I get it back.

The trick is to hold
it underneath the waist

and whoever's got the coin at
the end of the day is the loser.

When you said this game
was going to be fun,

did you really mean it was
going to be pointless and stupid?

Ahhh, shit! I've got cramp in my foot.

Who's stupid now, stupid?

What happens to the loser?

A friend of mine had to go out
in public dressed as a condom.

- Why would anyone do that?
- Because he has a reputation

for being a wild and crazy
guy, and that's its own burden.

Are you going to tell me what my
mum said before she went to surgery?

Are you going to tell me
what happened to your wrist?

Oh.

That was, er...

That was just a reading accident.

Sprained it while...

turning a page too fast.

Ah.

Oh, shit, how did I get blood on my jeans?

Oh, you...

I think I'm going to enjoy this game.

- Oi, Errol. Do you like my shoes?
- Not falling for it.

The floor's got a funny
pattern on it, hasn't it?

I thought being in a wheelchair would be
embarrassing, but I could get used to this.

Andy, stop chewing your feelings.

So, what are you guys
going to do while I'm gone?

Oh, you know, we're going to
poke corpses and take some selfies

with corpses. I'm kidding!

We're not going to take any selfies.

All right, don't miss me too much.

Bruce.

I'm... I'm not crying.

I'm the rock.

I crush feelings for fun.

Andy, come here. There's something
I need to tell you. Come on.

- To the Batmobile, Robin.
- Mum...

Break a leg.

Turn that down!

- What did you do that for?
- So I can hear myself think.

And what are you doing
listening to New Order?

- Joy Division.
- They're the same band,

and they're for pretentious
art school burn-outs.

- It's your record.
- What on earth are you wearing?

- Clothes. What does it look like?
- Like Halloween's come early.

- Where are you going?
- Out. - Oh, no, you're not.

Veronica will be here any minute.
We're going to order takeaway.

- I'm not hungry.
- I'm not negotiating. You have to be up early.

- Your clothes make you look dumpy.
- Excuse me?

You always wear your Fred Perry shirts like

you're still a young mod, but you're not.

You're just a sad middle-aged man
trying to hang on to his glory days.

Pathetic.

- Enjoy your night out.
- Don't wait up.

There you are! She's still in theatre.

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm turning my lungs to jerky.

Give me a puff.

- No way.
- Is that because cigarettes are a drug?

I see what you're doing.

If cigarettes are a drug and I've given
up drugs, then I should give up cigarettes.

Well, you're wrong.

They're not drugs.

If they're not drugs, then give me a puff.

Fine. They're drugs. But if
you take these away from me,

then I'll have nothing,
and then I'll go full Kanye.

Don't ruin the only thing
I've got left to live for.

This isn't about you.
This is about what I want.

And surely my silence is worth a puff.

- You're allergic.
- I've got my inhaler.

- Your mum would kill me.
- What she doesn't know won't kill her.

Fine, I'll give you a puff.

But first, you've got to
guess what my shoe size is.

You have got a lot to learn, young padawan.

ID.

I have a pituitary condition.

Um...

Lovely weather we're having.

I wouldn't know. I haven't
been outside in a month.

- Oh.
- Go on, just ask me. - Ask what?

- What I'm here for.
- What are you here for?

Anal bleaching.

And leukaemia. I got
a two-for-one deal.

- I shouldn't be laughing, that was quite dark.
- I know.

That's why I'm getting it bleached.

- What are you in for?
- My mum's having a lump removed.

- That sucks. - I know.
- No, it sucks for me.

I was hoping you were a new inpatient.

- Cancer ward's got pretty slim pickings.
- Hm! Thanks.

- For what?
- For not saying everything's going to be OK.

Trust me, if there's one
thing leukaemia teaches you,

it's that everything is not going to be OK.

And anyone that says that is full of crap.

Do you know how annoying
people are when you're dying?

It's like I can't be sad because
they won't let themselves be sad.

And they're always going on
about positive visualisation

and what an inspiration I am to everyone.

Hurgh.

I don't even think I mind dying that much.

Any more.

But I'll tell you what
really grinds my gears.

I'm not going to be around
for the next Star Wars

or the last Game Of Thrones book.

God, I'd give anything for someone to
stop pitying me and tell it like it is.

Your hat clashes with your robe.

Come on, you can do better than that.

I bet you've never read any Kierkegaard,

and if you did, you wouldn't understand it.

Are you kidding me?

I bet the most interesting thing about you

is that you're dying.

Nicely done.

All right? Let's hit the road, young lady.

Nice talking to you.

See you in the next life.

Here's hoping you make
it to the next Star Wars.

Don't hold your breath for Game Of Thrones.

Yeah, screw you, too.

Where've you been?

Let's just say I never thought
I'd have a wank in a hospital.

Look, she's going to be all right.

All right? We just need
to... think positive.

Yeah? That's what your mum
would want. How about a joke?

- Knock, knock. - Who's there?
- Jesus. - Jesus who?

Come on! You've heard of me.

Jesus, I wish I was high.

- Maybe I'll join a gym.
- You don't need a gym. You need a hug.

Come here.

Come here.

Cool. Well...

I'll just set this over here
for whenever you want it.

I know. We should get Sam a snack
from the vending machine, all right?

- She's going to be starving when she wakes up.
- Maltesers are her favourite.

- Pretty sure it's Dairy Milk. - Guys,
I'm pretty sure it's Wotsits. - Since when?

Since she used to eat them
every time she had the munchies,

and since I've known her
longer than both of you.

I was connected to her
with an umbilical cord.

Well, I've had se...

sex with her, so...

- What's her favourite colour?
- Purple. - Green.

- It's sea foam.
- What's sea foam?

- It's pastel mint.
- What, you mean green?!

- Roly, what happened to your wrist?
- Nothing.

Ooh. Mm...

Sam just went into surgery.

I'm sure she'll be fine.
Andy said it was routine.

- Maybe I should call back anyway.
- They've got enough going on.

I should write something
back, though, right?

- Definitely.
- Ohh, I hate texting.

It's such a shallow way to communicate.

Right, how about, "We're
all praying for her"?

- Nah, bit grim.
- Mm. - How about,

"Even with a dodgy tit, I still would"?

Yeah, so would I.

But her brother's reading the text.

- Do you know what? I'm going to leave it.
- No, no, no.

You have to say something,
even if it's just...

"Kiss-kiss."

I wouldn't kiss-kiss Andy if
his lips were made of tits.

- Mike...
- Yes, boss?

Family friend's in hospital
having surgery on a tumour.

What should I text her brother?

Internet hugs?!

Internet hugs? Euch!

No wonder I pay you for
your body and not your mouth.

You could do emojis, like a
frowny face and a bicep curl.

That means, "I'm worried, stay strong."

Is there an emoji for, "I
couldn't think of something to say,

"so I'm sending you a bullshit emoji"?

- Thinking face, poo face.
- Here, just let me do it. - No, no...

- Dad, let me do it. I've got an idea. - No,
no... - Dad, give it to me! - Oh, shit.

What?

It sent.

Do you think you'll ever have kids?

Dunno.

Society's broken.

We can't even get the
electoral system right.

What about you? Do you
think you'll ever do it?

Vote? No.

I mean, I'm still on the
fence between Coke and Pepsi.

No, I mean have a baby.

Especially after the whole Teresa thing.

Uh...

I think I've got enough
people disappointed in me

without creating new ones.

What if it was with Melodie?

I've got it.

How about...

the loser of the coin game gets to
take a vow of silence for a week?

Sorry, excuse me.

I'm Dr. Marcum. Are you
Samantha King's family?

- Yeah.
- Everything went fine with the procedure.

She tolerated the general really well.

But when they were finishing
up, she had an allergic reaction

to the local anaesthetic they
used to close the incision

and she went into anaphylactic shock.

Hi, Sally.

I'll keep you posted.

She looks so peaceful.

Well, I'm not. It's cramped
as hell in this thing.

Don't you think this looks
a bit bling for Uncle Frank?

That cardboard box over
there's only 100 quid.

I'm sure all the green options are
probably more his speed, anyway.

- He'd probably hate this one.
- That's what he gets for dying without a will while

illegitimate kids pop out of woodwork and I'm
left paying for his stupid body to sit in a freezer

for ages because no-one will
fork out for the burial costs.

No. This way, I get the last laugh.

I'll remember that when you die.

Who says I'm dying before
you? I am way healthier.

You're going to die first, cos
that's how dramatic irony works,

and then Roly can live with me full-time.

- I still have a dad, remember?
- What if they both die, like, together,

in a helicopter crash or something?

What are my two divorced parents
doing in a helicopter ride together?

They're coming to my private
concert on a remote tropical island.

You arrived earlier by seaplane.

Well, I'll tell them not to go, then.

You're not killing my mum with
your stupid tropical concert.

I'll kill her however I want to kill her.

Boys! Relax. I'm not going to
go to Andy's made-up concert

and I'm not going to
get in any helicopters.

You're not getting rid
of me for a long time.

Hi, can I help you?

Oh, how much is this coffin?

£750.

We'll take the cardboard box.

Look, I'm sorry, I don't
have an update for you.

- This is unacceptable. She's my wife.
- Ex-wife.

I know this is difficult for you,
I understand that... Hey, Kim.

Listen, mate, I'm feeling
really tender today,

so apologies if this comes across as rude,

but I want you to go and find out
what is going on with my sister

right now or I am going to lose it, please!

OK, I'll... I'll see what I can do.

I need a coffee.

I'd better make sure he gets a decaf.

No, of course, I wouldn't
normally call like this,

you know, especially the
night before you have...

Um... You know...

Er, we... we had a row.

Row? About what?

I don't even know. I think he's just...

pushing back.

I wish he could worship me again
like he did when he was little.

Do you think my shirts are too tight?

No... Well... Well, maybe
just the Fred Perry ones.

- I only wear Fred Perry ones. - Well,
thanks for the call. - No, wait, Sam...

- There's something else.
- Yes, your jeans are a bit crotchy.

No, um... Look, I know
tomorrow's only routine,

but I just wanted to say that, um...

I'll be thinking of you and...

I...

Hey! Roly!

- You're back.
- Yeah. - Cool.

I'm just, er...

...ordering pizza.

- Can we have mozzarella sticks, please?
- What?

I thought you had takeaway with Veronica.

Midnight... snack.

Yes, I'll... I'll pay cash.

Wait, Errol...

Pathetic.

- What is this?
- A great room to come to think in peace.

Until you followed me in.

Ohh!

Does feeling everything
always hurt this much?

Well, I wouldn't know. You're
talking to a man of science, remember?

- I'm basically a sentient robot.
- All right, robot,

do you want to tell me what
really happened to your wrist?

It's embarrassing, really. I went
to a concert last night and, er...

got fake ID and
everything, and then they...

stamped my wrist to get into the venue.

It was all going great until...

suddenly my wrist began to
swell up into a blistered mess.

I was allergic to the stamp. You
don't want to see it, trust me.

That's what you get for
doing cool shit without me.

Lesson learned.

Hi there.

- Oh, we're just leaving.
- You don't need to leave. Is there anything you want to talk about?

No, we're good, thanks. You sure there
isn't someone you want me to pray for?

- Are you having a laugh?
- Errol... don't.

You're offering prayer up like it's
something real that's going to help.

Praying is just thinking.

It's inaction wrapped in piety. It's
the least you can do for a person.

I'm praying for you to shut up right now.

I find prayer is a good way
to take stock of the things

we're grateful for and gives us,
the prayer, a sense of perspective

and can help us to process feelings

by asking a divine
something-greater-than-ourselves for help.

Like Mystic Meg, only not £1.50 a minute.

Richard Dawkins says a delusion
is something people believe in

despite a total lack of evidence.

What do you have to say to that?

That I've never seen the ocean
floor, but I know it's there.

That's because we have
scientific evidence and photos

and Jacques Cousteau documentaries.

I'm not here to change your mind.

I'm only saying... what's the harm?

The harm...

is there is no God and we're all
alone and everything is meaningless,

or there is a God and
he gives people cancer

and only takes it away when people pray
hard enough, meaning he's a total wanker.

Roly, wait.

- They're ready for you. - All right,
let's go see the wizard. - Wait.

Oh, no. Not a ukulele.

It's what they call in
recovery "rock-bottom".

♪ My dog has fleas ♪

♪ Like a ship in a bottle ♪

♪ I don't want it to change ♪

♪ Even though he pissed me
off And led the kid a-strange ♪

♪ Cos who is gonna tell me
When I am full of shit? ♪

♪ And who will make me
miserable And make me babysit? ♪

♪ So if you fucking die on
me And leave me on my own ♪

♪ I promise I will hunt you down
You'll have nowhere to turn ♪

♪ It's not that I would miss you
Just I couldn't stand the fuss ♪

♪ Don't make me plan a funeral
We're better off as us ♪

♪ I hate cancer More
than ukulele songs ♪

♪ They're horrific,
annoying And worst of all ♪

♪ They're twee as fuck
And won't shut up ♪

♪ They jingle jangle on my tits ♪

♪ I hate them and they fuck me off ♪

♪ I wanna smash them all to bits ♪

♪ I hate cancer More
than ukulele songs ♪

♪ They're annoying and
hipster And worst of all ♪

♪ They're twee as fuck
And won't shut up ♪

♪ They jingle jangle on my tits ♪

♪ I hate them and they fuck me off ♪

♪ I wanna smash them all to bits ♪

♪ I hate cancer More
than ukulele songs ♪

♪ They're annoying and
hipster And worst of all ♪

♪ They're twee as fuck
And won't shut up ♪

♪ They jingle jangle on my tits ♪

♪ I hate them and they fuck me off ♪

♪ I wanna smash them all to bits. ♪

- Give me a cigarette. - Roly!
- Please, I just need something

- to take my mind off my dying mum.
- Is this how it is now?

Following a family tradition
of gateway drugs and self-harm?

- Self-harm?
- Did it make you feel better?

- I'm not going to let you hurt yourself.
- How about I hurt you, then?

Roly! Calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down.
I'm always the calm one.

When do I get to lose my shit?

- Ow! Shit!
- Come on, hit me.

I'm not going to hit you,
you human swizzle stick.

Argh!

One more time, Roly, I swear.

- Or what?
- Don't push me today.

I am feeling tender.

I said I was feeling tender!

You're up.

You sure about this?

I can pay in cash.

Fine.

Hope she's a keeper.

So do I.

By the way, that Chinese symbol,

that doesn't mean "Beauty".

That means "Disaster".

I should have told her I loved her.

I had loads of
opportunities, but I blew it.

The last thing I ever said
to her was... "Break a leg."

The last word she might
ever hear from me is "leg".

It's better than "phlegm".

Yeah.

But what's worse is that I didn't say it to
her, because I thought it would be bad luck.

- Bad luck?
- Yeah.

It's exactly the sort of thing you say
to someone before they die, isn't it?

And I thought if I said it,
the gods might laugh at us.

Man of science, eh?

But...

I didn't say it and now she's dying anyway,

so what's the point?

You know what your mum said to me
just before she went into surgery?

- It's OK, you don't have to...
- She said, "If anything happens..."

"tell Roly..."

"I know."

Cheers.

I like you, Bruce. You're a
good guy. You made Sam happy.

- Made?
- Make. Make Sam happy. Don't know why I said that.

I just don't know what I'd do without her.

Veronica's great, but...

Sam is... the mother of my child.

Oh, no. Yeah, obviously.

- Love of my life.
- Well, love of... my life.

Oh, yeah. Obviously.

Oh, no.

Are you about to ugly cry?

No!

No. I'm a bloody rock.

You know you could have just
told me about the tattoo.

I wanted something for myself.

You know, take control.

And, plus, you're shit at keeping secrets.

Fair point.

Look, I'm sorry. I know you're going
through a hard time at the moment.

And I just let my
feelings get away from me.

It's OK.

But if you're not OK, that's OK, too.

I'm not OK.

I'm really not OK.

- What are you doing?
- Praying.

You know... Just in case.

- Sorry, am I interrupting?
- No.

Um... We were just...

- Er, have you got any news?
- Yes.

She's in recovery and you can see her soon.

- Hi, Anna.
- Fuck off, James.

There you go.

If you're going to try one,
I'd prefer it to be one of mine.

Maybe another time.

Yeah.

Melodie. Oh.

- Non capisco.
- Sorry, I thought...

Never mind.

How are you feeling?

Oh, like I've been felt
up by Edward Scissorhands.

You gave us quite a scare.

Mum...

I love you.

I love you, too.

- Are you hungry?
- What do you think? I've been fasting for 18 hours.

There's a vending machine. How
about your favourite? Dairy Milk.

- Since when are they my favourite? - How
about Maltesers? - Nah, not in the mood.

- Wotsits.
- Only taste good when you're high.

- Crunchie!
- Bingo.

Roly, what happened to your wrist?

Oh, he tried cutting himself...

Please tell me that's a stick-on.

You're underage, how did you even...?

- I got a fake
- ID. You are in so much trouble, young man.

And what was wrong with my whole name?

Are you joking? It's right on the bone.

I passed out halfway
through and they had to stop.

- That's why it's off-centre. - That'll
drive you crazy for the rest of your life.

I'll get it finished when
Mum gets the all clear.

No. No more tattoos.
Was this your idea, Andy?

I wish. This little scamp was
irresponsible all by himself.

- Uncle Andy, you've had tattoos before...
- Yeah.

...does this look infected?

Shit.

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.MY-SUBS.com