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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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00:00:39,922 --> 00:00:41,118
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.MY-SUBS.com
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00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:48,839
As smooth operations
go, this one's up there.
3
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,519
- Have you just given her anything?
- Just put the local in.
4
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,719
She's dumped her pressure
and her sats are dropping.
5
00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,319
OK, give me adrenaline,
hydrocortisone, 200 milligrams.
6
00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:59,599
- Shall I carry on or stop?
- Stop!
7
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:02,999
Stop!
8
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,959
This is officially the best day ever.
9
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:08,399
Comfy hospital gown... check.
Trashy hospital mag... check.
10
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,839
If this bed had a vibrate
button, I could die happy.
11
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,519
- You're not convincing anyone.
- Fine.
12
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:17,039
I'm starving. Seriously, who can
go 12 hours without eating anything?
13
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,719
Andy! Can you stop moving about?
14
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:23,079
He's probably thinking about all the primo
drugs that are in this building right now.
15
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:25,159
I wasn't! Until you mentioned it.
16
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,479
And, actually, I was worried
about my sister. Thank you.
17
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,159
You don't need to worry. It's just
a lumpectomy. I'm going to be fine.
18
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,559
And I get that you're detoxing, but can you
stand still? Cos you're making me nauseous.
19
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,199
Nauseated. Nauseous means you're
making other people nauseated.
20
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,639
Whatever. You know what I mean.
And why are you being so snippy?
21
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,879
Judging by his jumper,
he's gone full Robert Smith.
22
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,359
Or maybe he has a girlfriend.
23
00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,079
Sam, be rational.
24
00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,319
- Come on, sweetie, what's up?
- They should make hospital gowns red.
25
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,599
That way, they can at least
blend in with all the blood.
26
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,799
I regret letting you watch American Psycho.
27
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,839
- Who is it?
- It's Mum. She's asking if you've had your roots done,
28
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,599
and I quote, "The surgeon won't care
about you unless you care about yourself."
29
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,959
Aww! Mum of the Year!
30
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,679
Hospital parking is the
worst. 50 quid for a day?
31
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,719
I could buy a black-market kidney
for that. So! What's shaking?
32
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,519
I am reading which celebs are
in a messy break-up this month,
33
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:18,839
Andy's detoxing and Roly's sulking.
34
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:22,119
- He's not sulking.
- Speaking of sulky teens, Tiff sends her love.
35
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,599
- Aww!
- Oh, and Claire. - Eurgh! Mwah!
36
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,479
- You look so beautiful.
- What did I tell you?
37
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:28,879
I'm not being sentimental.
38
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,759
I'm an emotional rock.
39
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,999
- I'm wearing paper knickers.
- Oh!
40
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,519
Mum, is this really the time?
41
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:38,479
Any day that I'm legally allowed
to pump myself full of drugs
42
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:41,280
- is a win.
- So lucky.
43
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,879
What? Oh, yeah, cancer's terrible. Yeah.
44
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,399
Hi, Samantha. So, the surgeon
has five procedures today
45
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,479
and you are second on the list,
46
00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:53,039
so you shouldn't have too long to
wait. Do you have any questions?
47
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,640
What is the Wi-Fi password?
48
00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,679
Fine, I'll just try "hospital1234".
49
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:08,319
Oh, how do people do this?
50
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,359
- Sit still?
- Manage stress without drugs.
51
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:14,119
It's not like you were doing drugs
all the time. What's different now?
52
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:17,239
Now, I am officially an addict,
and as soon as you tell me
53
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:18,959
I can't have something,
I want it even more.
54
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:22,119
I went mental when they
discontinued curry Twiglets.
55
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,359
- So how did you manage stress before?
- There was no before.
56
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,559
I had my first spliff when I was 11.
57
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,279
Don't look at me like that.
I looked old for my age.
58
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,839
- And I didn't have a stable home life.
- And I do?
59
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,200
Fair enough.
60
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,999
I know, I know. I've got to find...
61
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:42,119
a better way to filter my feelings,
but I'm not a fucking fish tank, am I?
62
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:43,799
Well, you've only been clean about a week.
63
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,679
Why don't you just try thinking
about something else? Like Melodie.
64
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,439
- The one that got away?
- Yeah, that'll help.
65
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,879
- How long's she been in there?
- 40 minutes.
66
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:55,200
- Definitely feels longer. - That's
what she said. - Don't steal my act.
67
00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:57,599
How are you so calm?
68
00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:01,959
I'm a man of science. Feelings
have no place in a hospital.
69
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,199
What is it?
70
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,600
"Stay arm, we're shit, kiss-kiss".
71
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,479
Whatever.
72
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:14,159
Right... Here's something
fun that'll keep us busy.
73
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:18,159
Uncle Frank taught me this. If you stare
directly at it, then the coin is yours.
74
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,599
And when you've got it, you've
got to get me to stare at it.
75
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:21,959
Then I get it back.
76
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,839
The trick is to hold
it underneath the waist
77
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:27,719
and whoever's got the coin at
the end of the day is the loser.
78
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:29,399
When you said this game
was going to be fun,
79
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,719
did you really mean it was
going to be pointless and stupid?
80
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,800
Ahhh, shit! I've got cramp in my foot.
81
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:38,359
Who's stupid now, stupid?
82
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,879
What happens to the loser?
83
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,719
A friend of mine had to go out
in public dressed as a condom.
84
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,239
- Why would anyone do that?
- Because he has a reputation
85
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:48,480
for being a wild and crazy
guy, and that's its own burden.
86
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,559
Are you going to tell me what my
mum said before she went to surgery?
87
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,839
Are you going to tell me
what happened to your wrist?
88
00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:58,199
Oh.
89
00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,599
That was, er...
90
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,519
That was just a reading accident.
91
00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,119
Sprained it while...
92
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:05,279
turning a page too fast.
93
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:06,719
Ah.
94
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:10,359
Oh, shit, how did I get blood on my jeans?
95
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:12,599
Oh, you...
96
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,399
I think I'm going to enjoy this game.
97
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,119
- Oi, Errol. Do you like my shoes?
- Not falling for it.
98
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:20,519
The floor's got a funny
pattern on it, hasn't it?
99
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:26,079
I thought being in a wheelchair would be
embarrassing, but I could get used to this.
100
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:28,080
Andy, stop chewing your feelings.
101
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,279
So, what are you guys
going to do while I'm gone?
102
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:37,519
Oh, you know, we're going to
poke corpses and take some selfies
103
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:40,039
with corpses. I'm kidding!
104
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,679
We're not going to take any selfies.
105
00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:44,199
All right, don't miss me too much.
106
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,879
Bruce.
107
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:47,679
I'm... I'm not crying.
108
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,959
I'm the rock.
109
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,559
I crush feelings for fun.
110
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:55,120
Andy, come here. There's something
I need to tell you. Come on.
111
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,200
- To the Batmobile, Robin.
- Mum...
112
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,040
Break a leg.
113
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,559
Turn that down!
114
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:29,079
- What did you do that for?
- So I can hear myself think.
115
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,919
And what are you doing
listening to New Order?
116
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,079
- Joy Division.
- They're the same band,
117
00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:35,839
and they're for pretentious
art school burn-outs.
118
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:39,079
- It's your record.
- What on earth are you wearing?
119
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:43,279
- Clothes. What does it look like?
- Like Halloween's come early.
120
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,639
- Where are you going?
- Out. - Oh, no, you're not.
121
00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,199
Veronica will be here any minute.
We're going to order takeaway.
122
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,640
- I'm not hungry.
- I'm not negotiating. You have to be up early.
123
00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:55,839
- Your clothes make you look dumpy.
- Excuse me?
124
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,559
You always wear your Fred Perry shirts like
125
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,999
you're still a young mod, but you're not.
126
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:04,319
You're just a sad middle-aged man
trying to hang on to his glory days.
127
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,240
Pathetic.
128
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:10,720
- Enjoy your night out.
- Don't wait up.
129
00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:18,720
There you are! She's still in theatre.
130
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,199
What are you doing?
131
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,399
What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm turning my lungs to jerky.
132
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,799
Give me a puff.
133
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:31,239
- No way.
- Is that because cigarettes are a drug?
134
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:32,559
I see what you're doing.
135
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,959
If cigarettes are a drug and I've given
up drugs, then I should give up cigarettes.
136
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:37,999
Well, you're wrong.
137
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,639
They're not drugs.
138
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,639
If they're not drugs, then give me a puff.
139
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,919
Fine. They're drugs. But if
you take these away from me,
140
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,959
then I'll have nothing,
and then I'll go full Kanye.
141
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:48,959
Don't ruin the only thing
I've got left to live for.
142
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,879
This isn't about you.
This is about what I want.
143
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,159
And surely my silence is worth a puff.
144
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,999
- You're allergic.
- I've got my inhaler.
145
00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,480
- Your mum would kill me.
- What she doesn't know won't kill her.
146
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,599
Fine, I'll give you a puff.
147
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:09,480
But first, you've got to
guess what my shoe size is.
148
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,720
You have got a lot to learn, young padawan.
149
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,640
ID.
150
00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,520
I have a pituitary condition.
151
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:50,359
Um...
152
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,879
Lovely weather we're having.
153
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:56,799
I wouldn't know. I haven't
been outside in a month.
154
00:08:56,800 --> 00:09:00,239
- Oh.
- Go on, just ask me. - Ask what?
155
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,239
- What I'm here for.
- What are you here for?
156
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,159
Anal bleaching.
157
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:06,839
And leukaemia. I got
a two-for-one deal.
158
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:11,239
- I shouldn't be laughing, that was quite dark.
- I know.
159
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,079
That's why I'm getting it bleached.
160
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,599
- What are you in for?
- My mum's having a lump removed.
161
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:19,039
- That sucks. - I know.
- No, it sucks for me.
162
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,679
I was hoping you were a new inpatient.
163
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:25,839
- Cancer ward's got pretty slim pickings.
- Hm! Thanks.
164
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,199
- For what?
- For not saying everything's going to be OK.
165
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,319
Trust me, if there's one
thing leukaemia teaches you,
166
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,039
it's that everything is not going to be OK.
167
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,079
And anyone that says that is full of crap.
168
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:36,679
Do you know how annoying
people are when you're dying?
169
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:40,399
It's like I can't be sad because
they won't let themselves be sad.
170
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,079
And they're always going on
about positive visualisation
171
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,959
and what an inspiration I am to everyone.
172
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,599
Hurgh.
173
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,719
I don't even think I mind dying that much.
174
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,199
Any more.
175
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,839
But I'll tell you what
really grinds my gears.
176
00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,439
I'm not going to be around
for the next Star Wars
177
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:00,599
or the last Game Of Thrones book.
178
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:04,200
God, I'd give anything for someone to
stop pitying me and tell it like it is.
179
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:08,799
Your hat clashes with your robe.
180
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,880
Come on, you can do better than that.
181
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,919
I bet you've never read any Kierkegaard,
182
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,679
and if you did, you wouldn't understand it.
183
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,199
Are you kidding me?
184
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,959
I bet the most interesting thing about you
185
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:22,600
is that you're dying.
186
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,159
Nicely done.
187
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,519
All right? Let's hit the road, young lady.
188
00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:31,119
Nice talking to you.
189
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:32,479
See you in the next life.
190
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,479
Here's hoping you make
it to the next Star Wars.
191
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,639
Don't hold your breath for Game Of Thrones.
192
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,240
Yeah, screw you, too.
193
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:43,919
Where've you been?
194
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,519
Let's just say I never thought
I'd have a wank in a hospital.
195
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,679
Look, she's going to be all right.
196
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:53,319
All right? We just need
to... think positive.
197
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,919
Yeah? That's what your mum
would want. How about a joke?
198
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:59,559
- Knock, knock. - Who's there?
- Jesus. - Jesus who?
199
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:02,039
Come on! You've heard of me.
200
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,719
Jesus, I wish I was high.
201
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:08,679
- Maybe I'll join a gym.
- You don't need a gym. You need a hug.
202
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,679
Come here.
203
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:12,600
Come here.
204
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,959
Cool. Well...
205
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:23,079
I'll just set this over here
for whenever you want it.
206
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,799
I know. We should get Sam a snack
from the vending machine, all right?
207
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,719
- She's going to be starving when she wakes up.
- Maltesers are her favourite.
208
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:32,239
- Pretty sure it's Dairy Milk. - Guys,
I'm pretty sure it's Wotsits. - Since when?
209
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,639
Since she used to eat them
every time she had the munchies,
210
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,559
and since I've known her
longer than both of you.
211
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:38,399
I was connected to her
with an umbilical cord.
212
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,879
Well, I've had se...
213
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:43,599
sex with her, so...
214
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,719
- What's her favourite colour?
- Purple. - Green.
215
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,679
- It's sea foam.
- What's sea foam?
216
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:50,199
- It's pastel mint.
- What, you mean green?!
217
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,800
- Roly, what happened to your wrist?
- Nothing.
218
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,879
Ooh. Mm...
219
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,239
Sam just went into surgery.
220
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,439
I'm sure she'll be fine.
Andy said it was routine.
221
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,439
- Maybe I should call back anyway.
- They've got enough going on.
222
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,279
I should write something
back, though, right?
223
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:23,439
- Definitely.
- Ohh, I hate texting.
224
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,759
It's such a shallow way to communicate.
225
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,879
Right, how about, "We're
all praying for her"?
226
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:31,879
- Nah, bit grim.
- Mm. - How about,
227
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,919
"Even with a dodgy tit, I still would"?
228
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,919
Yeah, so would I.
229
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,799
But her brother's reading the text.
230
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,759
- Do you know what? I'm going to leave it.
- No, no, no.
231
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,159
You have to say something,
even if it's just...
232
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,319
"Kiss-kiss."
233
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:48,879
I wouldn't kiss-kiss Andy if
his lips were made of tits.
234
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,799
- Mike...
- Yes, boss?
235
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,039
Family friend's in hospital
having surgery on a tumour.
236
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,319
What should I text her brother?
237
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,119
Internet hugs?!
238
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,999
Internet hugs? Euch!
239
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,559
No wonder I pay you for
your body and not your mouth.
240
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:07,199
You could do emojis, like a
frowny face and a bicep curl.
241
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,479
That means, "I'm worried, stay strong."
242
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,839
Is there an emoji for, "I
couldn't think of something to say,
243
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,399
"so I'm sending you a bullshit emoji"?
244
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,719
- Thinking face, poo face.
- Here, just let me do it. - No, no...
245
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:20,839
- Dad, let me do it. I've got an idea. - No,
no... - Dad, give it to me! - Oh, shit.
246
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,159
What?
247
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,599
It sent.
248
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,599
Do you think you'll ever have kids?
249
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,599
Dunno.
250
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,719
Society's broken.
251
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,999
We can't even get the
electoral system right.
252
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,199
What about you? Do you
think you'll ever do it?
253
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,519
Vote? No.
254
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,759
I mean, I'm still on the
fence between Coke and Pepsi.
255
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,999
No, I mean have a baby.
256
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,039
Especially after the whole Teresa thing.
257
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,159
Uh...
258
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,359
I think I've got enough
people disappointed in me
259
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,879
without creating new ones.
260
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:58,840
What if it was with Melodie?
261
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,880
I've got it.
262
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,599
How about...
263
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:10,120
the loser of the coin game gets to
take a vow of silence for a week?
264
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,359
Sorry, excuse me.
265
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:20,279
I'm Dr. Marcum. Are you
Samantha King's family?
266
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,639
- Yeah.
- Everything went fine with the procedure.
267
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:24,599
She tolerated the general really well.
268
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:27,599
But when they were finishing
up, she had an allergic reaction
269
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,439
to the local anaesthetic they
used to close the incision
270
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:33,679
and she went into anaphylactic shock.
271
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:35,759
Hi, Sally.
272
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,840
I'll keep you posted.
273
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,359
She looks so peaceful.
274
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:54,239
Well, I'm not. It's cramped
as hell in this thing.
275
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:56,399
Don't you think this looks
a bit bling for Uncle Frank?
276
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,559
That cardboard box over
there's only 100 quid.
277
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,239
I'm sure all the green options are
probably more his speed, anyway.
278
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:04,279
- He'd probably hate this one.
- That's what he gets for dying without a will while
279
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:07,999
illegitimate kids pop out of woodwork and I'm
left paying for his stupid body to sit in a freezer
280
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,359
for ages because no-one will
fork out for the burial costs.
281
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,359
No. This way, I get the last laugh.
282
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:14,719
I'll remember that when you die.
283
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:17,319
Who says I'm dying before
you? I am way healthier.
284
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:19,839
You're going to die first, cos
that's how dramatic irony works,
285
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:21,839
and then Roly can live with me full-time.
286
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,799
- I still have a dad, remember?
- What if they both die, like, together,
287
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,399
in a helicopter crash or something?
288
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,239
What are my two divorced parents
doing in a helicopter ride together?
289
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,919
They're coming to my private
concert on a remote tropical island.
290
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:33,719
You arrived earlier by seaplane.
291
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,199
Well, I'll tell them not to go, then.
292
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,719
You're not killing my mum with
your stupid tropical concert.
293
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,679
I'll kill her however I want to kill her.
294
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,039
Boys! Relax. I'm not going to
go to Andy's made-up concert
295
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,759
and I'm not going to
get in any helicopters.
296
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,559
You're not getting rid
of me for a long time.
297
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,279
Hi, can I help you?
298
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,039
Oh, how much is this coffin?
299
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,679
£750.
300
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:53,239
We'll take the cardboard box.
301
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,439
Look, I'm sorry, I don't
have an update for you.
302
00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:01,119
- This is unacceptable. She's my wife.
- Ex-wife.
303
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:04,959
I know this is difficult for you,
I understand that... Hey, Kim.
304
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,039
Listen, mate, I'm feeling
really tender today,
305
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,239
so apologies if this comes across as rude,
306
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:12,639
but I want you to go and find out
what is going on with my sister
307
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:16,959
right now or I am going to lose it, please!
308
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,439
OK, I'll... I'll see what I can do.
309
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,599
I need a coffee.
310
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,879
I'd better make sure he gets a decaf.
311
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:28,399
No, of course, I wouldn't
normally call like this,
312
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,399
you know, especially the
night before you have...
313
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,040
Um... You know...
314
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,759
Er, we... we had a row.
315
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:38,919
Row? About what?
316
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,239
I don't even know. I think he's just...
317
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,640
pushing back.
318
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:48,199
I wish he could worship me again
like he did when he was little.
319
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,959
Do you think my shirts are too tight?
320
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,479
No... Well... Well, maybe
just the Fred Perry ones.
321
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:56,159
- I only wear Fred Perry ones. - Well,
thanks for the call. - No, wait, Sam...
322
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:59,279
- There's something else.
- Yes, your jeans are a bit crotchy.
323
00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:02,319
No, um... Look, I know
tomorrow's only routine,
324
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,239
but I just wanted to say that, um...
325
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:09,039
I'll be thinking of you and...
326
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:11,239
I...
327
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,719
Hey! Roly!
328
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:16,239
- You're back.
- Yeah. - Cool.
329
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,000
I'm just, er...
330
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:20,679
...ordering pizza.
331
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:23,279
- Can we have mozzarella sticks, please?
- What?
332
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:24,959
I thought you had takeaway with Veronica.
333
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,639
Midnight... snack.
334
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,399
Yes, I'll... I'll pay cash.
335
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,319
Wait, Errol...
336
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:31,759
Pathetic.
337
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:45,560
- What is this?
- A great room to come to think in peace.
338
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,320
Until you followed me in.
339
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,439
Ohh!
340
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,119
Does feeling everything
always hurt this much?
341
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:57,839
Well, I wouldn't know. You're
talking to a man of science, remember?
342
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,159
- I'm basically a sentient robot.
- All right, robot,
343
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,559
do you want to tell me what
really happened to your wrist?
344
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:06,519
It's embarrassing, really. I went
to a concert last night and, er...
345
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,839
got fake ID and
everything, and then they...
346
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,879
stamped my wrist to get into the venue.
347
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,959
It was all going great until...
348
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,759
suddenly my wrist began to
swell up into a blistered mess.
349
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,959
I was allergic to the stamp. You
don't want to see it, trust me.
350
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,999
That's what you get for
doing cool shit without me.
351
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,279
Lesson learned.
352
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,519
Hi there.
353
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:30,199
- Oh, we're just leaving.
- You don't need to leave. Is there anything you want to talk about?
354
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,359
No, we're good, thanks. You sure there
isn't someone you want me to pray for?
355
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,759
- Are you having a laugh?
- Errol... don't.
356
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,639
You're offering prayer up like it's
something real that's going to help.
357
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,079
Praying is just thinking.
358
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:43,599
It's inaction wrapped in piety. It's
the least you can do for a person.
359
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,519
I'm praying for you to shut up right now.
360
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,199
I find prayer is a good way
to take stock of the things
361
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:52,919
we're grateful for and gives us,
the prayer, a sense of perspective
362
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:55,319
and can help us to process feelings
363
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:59,399
by asking a divine
something-greater-than-ourselves for help.
364
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,959
Like Mystic Meg, only not £1.50 a minute.
365
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,999
Richard Dawkins says a delusion
is something people believe in
366
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,719
despite a total lack of evidence.
367
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,079
What do you have to say to that?
368
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,599
That I've never seen the ocean
floor, but I know it's there.
369
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,119
That's because we have
scientific evidence and photos
370
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,959
and Jacques Cousteau documentaries.
371
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,559
I'm not here to change your mind.
372
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,879
I'm only saying... what's the harm?
373
00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:20,439
The harm...
374
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,159
is there is no God and we're all
alone and everything is meaningless,
375
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,799
or there is a God and
he gives people cancer
376
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:29,559
and only takes it away when people pray
hard enough, meaning he's a total wanker.
377
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:30,959
Roly, wait.
378
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:37,200
- They're ready for you. - All right,
let's go see the wizard. - Wait.
379
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,799
Oh, no. Not a ukulele.
380
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,599
It's what they call in
recovery "rock-bottom".
381
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,679
♪ My dog has fleas ♪
382
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,999
♪ Like a ship in a bottle ♪
383
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,079
♪ I don't want it to change ♪
384
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:55,679
♪ Even though he pissed me
off And led the kid a-strange ♪
385
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:59,599
♪ Cos who is gonna tell me
When I am full of shit? ♪
386
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:03,479
♪ And who will make me
miserable And make me babysit? ♪
387
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:07,279
♪ So if you fucking die on
me And leave me on my own ♪
388
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:11,239
♪ I promise I will hunt you down
You'll have nowhere to turn ♪
389
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:15,039
♪ It's not that I would miss you
Just I couldn't stand the fuss ♪
390
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:19,239
♪ Don't make me plan a funeral
We're better off as us ♪
391
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:23,639
♪ I hate cancer More
than ukulele songs ♪
392
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,719
♪ They're horrific,
annoying And worst of all ♪
393
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,919
♪ They're twee as fuck
And won't shut up ♪
394
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,759
♪ They jingle jangle on my tits ♪
395
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,519
♪ I hate them and they fuck me off ♪
396
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:34,759
♪ I wanna smash them all to bits ♪
397
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:39,079
♪ I hate cancer More
than ukulele songs ♪
398
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:42,319
♪ They're annoying and
hipster And worst of all ♪
399
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,319
♪ They're twee as fuck
And won't shut up ♪
400
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,239
♪ They jingle jangle on my tits ♪
401
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,119
♪ I hate them and they fuck me off ♪
402
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,119
♪ I wanna smash them all to bits ♪
403
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:54,439
♪ I hate cancer More
than ukulele songs ♪
404
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:57,519
♪ They're annoying and
hipster And worst of all ♪
405
00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,519
♪ They're twee as fuck
And won't shut up ♪
406
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,479
♪ They jingle jangle on my tits ♪
407
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:03,399
♪ I hate them and they fuck me off ♪
408
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:06,400
♪ I wanna smash them all to bits. ♪
409
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:20,159
- Give me a cigarette. - Roly!
- Please, I just need something
410
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,199
- to take my mind off my dying mum.
- Is this how it is now?
411
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,959
Following a family tradition
of gateway drugs and self-harm?
412
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,800
- Self-harm?
- Did it make you feel better?
413
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,199
- I'm not going to let you hurt yourself.
- How about I hurt you, then?
414
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,319
Roly! Calm down.
415
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,759
Don't tell me to calm down.
I'm always the calm one.
416
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:39,679
When do I get to lose my shit?
417
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:42,119
- Ow! Shit!
- Come on, hit me.
418
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,319
I'm not going to hit you,
you human swizzle stick.
419
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,439
Argh!
420
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:47,159
One more time, Roly, I swear.
421
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:49,519
- Or what?
- Don't push me today.
422
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,520
I am feeling tender.
423
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,999
I said I was feeling tender!
424
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:20,240
You're up.
425
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,119
You sure about this?
426
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,440
I can pay in cash.
427
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:33,960
Fine.
428
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,959
Hope she's a keeper.
429
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,719
So do I.
430
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,839
By the way, that Chinese symbol,
431
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:46,439
that doesn't mean "Beauty".
432
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:48,200
That means "Disaster".
433
00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:01,599
I should have told her I loved her.
434
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:04,400
I had loads of
opportunities, but I blew it.
435
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:08,760
The last thing I ever said
to her was... "Break a leg."
436
00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:13,200
The last word she might
ever hear from me is "leg".
437
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,280
It's better than "phlegm".
438
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,799
Yeah.
439
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:24,959
But what's worse is that I didn't say it to
her, because I thought it would be bad luck.
440
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:26,719
- Bad luck?
- Yeah.
441
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:30,039
It's exactly the sort of thing you say
to someone before they die, isn't it?
442
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:33,320
And I thought if I said it,
the gods might laugh at us.
443
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,360
Man of science, eh?
444
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:40,839
But...
445
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:44,479
I didn't say it and now she's dying anyway,
446
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:46,439
so what's the point?
447
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:49,079
You know what your mum said to me
just before she went into surgery?
448
00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:53,759
- It's OK, you don't have to...
- She said, "If anything happens..."
449
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,999
"tell Roly..."
450
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,440
"I know."
451
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,400
Cheers.
452
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:12,559
I like you, Bruce. You're a
good guy. You made Sam happy.
453
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:16,239
- Made?
- Make. Make Sam happy. Don't know why I said that.
454
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:18,959
I just don't know what I'd do without her.
455
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:20,999
Veronica's great, but...
456
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:24,199
Sam is... the mother of my child.
457
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,599
Oh, no. Yeah, obviously.
458
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,599
- Love of my life.
- Well, love of... my life.
459
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:31,600
Oh, yeah. Obviously.
460
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,119
Oh, no.
461
00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:37,799
Are you about to ugly cry?
462
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,079
No!
463
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,479
No. I'm a bloody rock.
464
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,799
You know you could have just
told me about the tattoo.
465
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,479
I wanted something for myself.
466
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,640
You know, take control.
467
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,199
And, plus, you're shit at keeping secrets.
468
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:08,800
Fair point.
469
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:13,679
Look, I'm sorry. I know you're going
through a hard time at the moment.
470
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:17,119
And I just let my
feelings get away from me.
471
00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:19,199
It's OK.
472
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:22,239
But if you're not OK, that's OK, too.
473
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:24,639
I'm not OK.
474
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:27,160
I'm really not OK.
475
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,639
- What are you doing?
- Praying.
476
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,720
You know... Just in case.
477
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:46,479
- Sorry, am I interrupting?
- No.
478
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,160
Um... We were just...
479
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,599
- Er, have you got any news?
- Yes.
480
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:53,840
She's in recovery and you can see her soon.
481
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,600
- Hi, Anna.
- Fuck off, James.
482
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:06,040
There you go.
483
00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:11,400
If you're going to try one,
I'd prefer it to be one of mine.
484
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,000
Maybe another time.
485
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:19,960
Yeah.
486
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:30,359
Melodie. Oh.
487
00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:32,640
- Non capisco.
- Sorry, I thought...
488
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:35,040
Never mind.
489
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,239
How are you feeling?
490
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:48,879
Oh, like I've been felt
up by Edward Scissorhands.
491
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,239
You gave us quite a scare.
492
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:51,999
Mum...
493
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,839
I love you.
494
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,359
I love you, too.
495
00:26:56,360 --> 00:27:00,239
- Are you hungry?
- What do you think? I've been fasting for 18 hours.
496
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,879
There's a vending machine. How
about your favourite? Dairy Milk.
497
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,039
- Since when are they my favourite? - How
about Maltesers? - Nah, not in the mood.
498
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:08,079
- Wotsits.
- Only taste good when you're high.
499
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:10,599
- Crunchie!
- Bingo.
500
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:12,399
Roly, what happened to your wrist?
501
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,280
Oh, he tried cutting himself...
502
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:17,959
Please tell me that's a stick-on.
503
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:19,679
You're underage, how did you even...?
504
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:23,719
- I got a fake
- ID. You are in so much trouble, young man.
505
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:26,119
And what was wrong with my whole name?
506
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:28,519
Are you joking? It's right on the bone.
507
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:30,479
I passed out halfway
through and they had to stop.
508
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:33,679
- That's why it's off-centre. - That'll
drive you crazy for the rest of your life.
509
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:35,719
I'll get it finished when
Mum gets the all clear.
510
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:38,679
No. No more tattoos.
Was this your idea, Andy?
511
00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:42,159
I wish. This little scamp was
irresponsible all by himself.
512
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,079
- Uncle Andy, you've had tattoos before...
- Yeah.
513
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:46,639
...does this look infected?
514
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:47,759
Shit.
515
00:28:15,195 --> 00:28:18,039
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
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