All language subtitles for Uncle S02E03

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

Hello?

Uncle Andy?

Errol?

What happened? Did you overdose?

I've got the flu. How'd you get in?

I used the spare key under the mat.

What spare key under the mat?

The one I had made.

Why aren't you running for your life?

Oh, I've had the flu
jab. I'm invincible.

Oh. What do you want?

You came all this way to
give me a piece of paper?

It's a song competition.

I'll go and make a cup of tea
and you can read the details.

Is Roly there?

I'm not sure. He could
be a hallucination.

I've just drank a tonne
of cough syrup.

Ooh, are you robo-tripping?
I use to love doing that.

No, I've got the flu.

Oh. You should've got the jab. Listen,
did Roly tell you we had a fight?

He just stormed out. He's
been horrible lately.

It's just puberty.

Ugh, God, I hope not.

I TRIED to go on a date the other
night, but Roly hid my car keys.

And then when we were playing
Scrabble, he spelled, "traitor."

So? What's the big deal?

Three times in one game.

Oh, shit. Scrabble messages? That's
how Fred West got started.

So who's this bloke
you've been seeing?

Oh, just someone I met
at a sex trauma workshop.

~ Sexy.
~ Oh, speaking of...

If someone texts you,
"What are you wearing?"

but all you're wearing
is a shitty dressing gown,

then what would you say?

Are you really asking your
brother for sext advice?

It's not a sext! It's a foreplext.

Just write "a strap-on
and an open mind."

Really? That would do it for you?

Hypothetically. Now
let me die in peace.

I'm not fighting with Mum.
And I didn't hide her keys.

She's just always losing them.

Have you just listened to
our entire conversation?

Did she say who she's been texting?

No. What do you care?

Well, if I knew his name, I
could do a CRB check on him.

~ Andy?
~ Who's that?

You're rent's past due
again. Two weeks late.

Andy?

Ugh, I think I just got some
of your body salt in my mouth.

Why haven't you paid your rent?

Because I'm out of severance
with Carpet Brothers,

and my job seekers hasn't come
in yet and I'm si-i-i-ick.

Which is why we need to write this
song. The deadline's tomorrow.

The only thing I'm going to do
today is watch Game of Thrones
and hate people on Facebook.

What have you got to lose?

My dignity.

You're wearing a onesie.

It's a jumpsuit.

But this could be The Bear Maximum's
big comeback. It'll be fun.

No. You can't come back in a
band after trying to go solo.

That's like Japan not being
allowed weapons after the war.

Fine. Well, first prize
is only £20,000.

The Bear Maximum is go!

No. This is a solo project.

I'm doing this for myself by myself.

Besides, I need the
money more than you.

But I was the one who told
you about the contest!

And for that, I am eternally
grateful, little buddy.

If you're so broke, how are
you going to pay for a studio?

A friend owes me a favour.

For what?

Let's just say that when the
pigs raided his house party,

his incriminating stash
magically disappeared.

I couldn't crap straight for a week.

(Psst, Andy.)

Hugo, this is my nephew, Errol.

Please don't tell anyone about
this because if my boss finds out,

he'll literally cut my head off,
put it on a pike or cut my nuts off

and put 'em in my mouth. Cut my
feet off, make 'em into hands.

Relax, we get the picture.

Then he'll sack me.

Would I get you the sack?

Probably.

Here she is. Remember you've
only got until two, guys.

There's another band
in afterwards so...

Oh, we're not a band.
This is a solo thing.

You're producing for the
kid? Nice one, brother.

Oh, and if you need
any engineering help,

I'm trying to get my 10,000
hours. Only got 9,958 to go.

Not necessary. It's only a quick job.

In and out...

Ooh, someone's had a boozy
night? Got the DTs?

I've got the flu.

Should've got the jab. Keep
it down. Jerry's got bat ears.

Nice onesie, by the way.
Where'd you get it from?

OK! See you in a bit, then!

♪ Last place hero... ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait, wait, Last Place Hero is one
of our unrecorded songs. I wrote the lyrics.

And I wrote the melody,
so if I change the lyrics,

then it's a new song.

♪ There's a way to
win And a way to lose

♪ If you're a hero
Just like Nero... ♪

Hold on, hold on...

Emperor Nero burned Christians in
his garden as a source of light.

Well, maybe I mean the band Nero.

And if you've got any questions
from now on, raise your hand.

♪ Last place hero

♪ Fun like Robert De Niro... ♪

~ What?!
~ Robert De Niro is not fun.

Clearly you've never
seen Midnight Run.

The film set in the Turkish prison?

That's Midnight Express!
Do you know nothing?!

Now, here I am just trying to write
something that's a little bit

profound. What do you want?

You want me to write something,
what, that's important?

What like a song about recycling?

♪ Recycling, recycling
It is so exciting

♪ If you want a way to earn some cash

♪ Why not go return your trash... ♪

~ Whoa!
~ Is that what you want?

Wait a minute - that's a blatant lie.

You can't make cash from recycling.

All right, now don't touch anything.
Just push record on three.

So, you don't want me to touch
anything but you want me

~ to press record?
~ Did I stutter?

No. It's just... how am I going to
not touch anything yet press record?

Oh, you know what I mean.
Just push it on three.

I think I'll go... I think I'll
go on two just to be safe.

~ Then what's the point
in me counting to three?
~ Well, it's a cushion.

I don't need a cushion!

You're making me yell now!

~ I can't make you yell.
~ Just push it on three!

One...two...three.

I nailed it. Let's hear it back.

~ I thought I was only
allowed to press record?
~ Just press play.

'Then what's the point
of me counting to three?!

~ 'It's a cushion.
~ I don't need a cushion.

~ 'You're making me yell now.
~ I can't make you yell.

'Just push it on three!

'One, two...'

~ What happened to that amazing
track I just recorded?
~ Oops.

Looks like I might have accidentally pressed
record a bit earlier without realising it.

~ At least I went on two.
~ You're sabotaging me!

Sabotage? Please, if I was sabotaging
you, you wouldn't even know.

~ I'd be like Mossad.
~ Who's Mossad?

The Israeli secret service.
They're the best!

(Shh. I can hear you
guys in the lobby.)

Well, then you need better
sound-proofing in here, then.

~ What?
~ I sent your strap-on text and he wrote back,

"Sounds like I've been a bad
boy. What're you going to do?"

What should I write?

Just write "I'm reporting
you to Human Resources."

I'm hanging up now. Bye.

~ Hugo?
~ Is something broken?

Have you got a minute to come down
and record something for me?

Oh, what, you need my help?

Not "help." Assistance.

Oh, right, you mean like when you
grow a moustache and you let your

face hair grow around it and people
are like, "Do you have a beard?"

and you're like, "No,
I've got a moustache".

And THAT'S how you record a track.

Nice work, Hugo.

Now all I've got to do is
finish off these lyrics.

Do you not think this could
maybe use some keyboard?

Oh, that's funny, I play keyboards,
but someone doesn't want my help.

Really? Cos I think this
could use a little EDM vibe.

I'm just going to jump in.

But I only play keyboards
for The Bear Maximum.

So I wouldn't play them
for you if you begged.

Oh, really? And what
if it was my dying wish?

That would be the saddest
dying wish ever.

I'm sorry. What's your
awesome dying wish, then?

I'd like to have my ashes sent into
space. Preferably towards Europa.

Never going to happen. NASA
don't care about the ashes of

some dead British kid.
It's too expensive.

But it's my dying wish.
Money's no object.

In that case, my dying wish
is for you to take my guitar

up to the top of Mount Everest.

Mount Everest? That's in the Death Zone.
Do you know what they use for landmarks?

~ Dead bodies.
~ Who cares?! I've just gone broke
sending your ashes into outer space!

I can't believe you
won't do this for me!

What's the point in a dying
wish if we both end up dead?

Guys! Listen to this.

That's good. Is that generated?

The drums are, yeah.

But I actually sampled
the bass from a session

we had with a band last week.

Can we use that?

Er... we'll have to get the
bass guitarist to come in

and do a live version but
he's really cool, genuine,

down to earth, great tattoos.

I'm pretty sure he'd do me a favour.

Well, get him in!

♪ You're a last place hero

♪ Last place for wimps And
first place for pimps... ♪

~ Uncle Andy?
~ I'm not changing that.

Do you know how hard it is
to find a rhyme for wimps?

Limps, glimpse, chimps,
crimps, shrimps.

That's not what I was
going to say, though.

~ If you let me back in the band,
I'll let you keep the prize.
~ No deal.

Guys, meet Casper.

Fuck.

Hey, guys.

I'm so sorry. If I'd known...

Where are you going?

Kid, I'd rather have
my cock amputated

and replaced by a cactus than
play on your uncle's track.

We really shouldn't be talking in
the hallway. Jerry can smell people.

Errol, I'm sure you don't understand
why us grown-ups keep fighting

and we can't put our differences
aside in the name of music,

but life just doesn't work like that,

plus your uncle is a
dick to my boyfriend.

You're looking at this all wrong.

If you want to get under Uncle Andy's
skin, you need to play on his track.

That way, every time he listens
to it, he'll hear you.

No matter how good the song
is, it'll be ruined forever.

All right, let's do this.

Hey mate, you're not
playing on my track.

Do you need bass or not?

Nobody needs bass.

You look like shit. Like worse
than usual. You got the hiv?

~ I've got the flu.
~ Should've got the jab.

Listen, if you use Hugo's sample,
I'll sue you till your arse is sore.

All right. Live bass. Take one.

Only going to need one take, mate.

What's that?

It's a rusty trombone.

I don't even want to
know what that one is.

One, two... one, two...

~ Babe, do you mind?
~ What, babe?
~ Babe, your phone.

Oh, yeah, one second, babe.
I'm just on the last level.

~ Babe! Turn your fuckin' phone off!
~ Just play your little bass.

OK, first off, this
isn't a little bass,

it's actually quite a big bass.

And secondly, show some
respect for my process.

You're process is dumb!

Right - fuck this.

And that's a cut on take one.

Knock, knock, are you ready to
rock?! Did I just see Casper?

Mum? What are you doing here?

Oh, this is your mum? Cool.

How did you find us?

Roly tweeted your location.

So are The Bear Maximum
really back together?

No. I know what you're doing.
I switched my phone off,

so you come here to get me
to write a sext for you.

(Pfft, as if I'd be that desperate.)

But if you did get a text asking
if you've been a filthy girl,

~ then what would you say?
~ Hmm, good question.

And I'll answer that as soon as you
get Gwen to make up with Casper.

~ So, what are you going to do?
~ Get Casper to make up with Gwen.

Is that a onesie?

Want to talk about it?

~ No.
~ Works for me.

I mean, what is her problem?

When we were first dating, she
would be sat in that front row

every single night staring
at me with those fuck-me eyes.

Yeah, and those eyes
have been around.

Now it's like she won't
even look at me.

It's like I'm you.

Hi, Jerry, you all right? You're
still in the mix, right?

No-no-no, I didn't forget.
I can come over now.

No, I can take... OK, I'll
take your order on the phone.

OK, right.

Tuna mustard - gluten-free
tuna wrap - right, yeah.

Onion, lettuce, kale chips.

~ Ah, there it is.
~ You want onion on the tuna wrap?

OK. Diet energy drink, yeah?

~ Taurine, no guarine...
~ Thought you were the food Nazi.

Decaf soya milk. And one Toblerone.

Yeah, heavy on the Tobes.

No, it's not funny, you're right. OK.

Right. I've got to go.

Jerry turns into the Red Hulk
when he's hypoglycaemic.

Remember, you guys have
only got till two, OK?

I mean, she finds every way
to try and humiliate me.

The other day she tried
to do me with a strap-on.

She ever do that to you?

Pfft, no!

Although I've heard it's
not actually that bad.

And that the prostate is quite
an under-appreciated organ.

But, er, yeah - strap-ons - lame.

What're you talking about?

Errol, er, we're not
talking about anything.

I hate when you do that! I'm nearly
14 now, I can take it. I'm ready.

A strap-on's a dildo that women
will strap-on like a belt

in order to have sex with other
women and sometimes men.

~ I wasn't ready.
~ What are you doing here anyway?

Hugo's just gone to
get Jerry's lunch.

He says that time's running out.
Why would you use it on a man?

Because it feels great.

You know, apparently.

Wait, are you saying a man...

Can stick it up his arse if he
thinks I'm going to apologise!

You know, sometimes I imagine cutting his
cock into little coins to relax myself.

~ Ow!
~ He's just so intense.

I mean, he makes sex go on for
hours just for the ego of it.

It's boring, you know?

That's so boring. Back off, Sting.

I feel like I'm being bitten by a
pit bull and I can't shake it off.

I heard the best way to stop
a pit bull biting you is to

stick your finger up its bum.

So maybe you should just stick
your finger up the bum of life.

Yeah, I'm not even going
to take my rings off.

Next time I see Casper, I'm
definitely breaking up with him.

Cool. Um, so...

are you any good at sexting?

Cos I've got this...

Babe?

Well, I wish I could say
it's been a pleasure.

The feeling's mutual.

Boo! So what did I miss?

Just about to kick this lot out
and then finish off the lyrics,

record the guitar, go home and...

Where are my lyrics?

Don't look at me. Mossad, remember.

I may have written Jerry's lunch
order on the back of them.

And where are they now?

~ In a bin, on the high street.
~ Hugo!

Shh. (Jerry!)

Oh, is it a bad time to tell
you I had a major brainwave?

I think this tune could do with
some rhythm guitar to really

~ fatten up the strings.
~ I don't want fat strings!

I'm looking for that lo-fi
singer-song-writery vibe.

Coffee shop.

Yeah, and not even Starbucks.

~ Kind of agree, mate.
~ Yeah, me too.

Nobody asked you!

And I've not got time to record
the guitar and write new lyrics.

Gwen could do it.

Oh... You're being serious.
Gwen can't play guitar.

We met in a guitar shop.

Yeah. You were there
picking up musicians.

But I was also... buying a guitar.

No deal. Girls can't shred.

Er... What?! How about Lita Ford,
Joan Jett, Courtney Love, Charro?

Oh, I love Charro.

Nancy Wilson. Kim Deal.

Kim Deal's a bassist. That is
an official girl's instrument.

All right, you don't want
a girl on your track -

maybe I'll just delete
my girlie bass?

~ And the key is?
~ It's in E.

Wouldn't it sound better in C?

Well, we've already recorded all the other
instruments in E, haven't we, genius?

~ Well, C is a more commercial key.
~ Yeah, if you're Katy Perry.

Hey, don't diss Katy.

Gwen thinks Blink 182's a punk band.

Oi, shut up, dick face.

Well, thank you all
for playing, everyone.

I'll always be eternally grateful,
now if you'll all kindly fuck off.

What? What now?

I think it needs live drums.

But you said it needed
a more electronic beat

to make it sound "dope" and "fresh".

Yeah, but now it sounds a little
too EDM. Needs to be more analogue.

Oh, God...

Hello? OK.

Jerry's coming, please, everyone
hide, right now, please.

What do you not understand
about get me a Toblerone?

Is there spunk between your ears?

~ No, Jerry.
~ Everyone knows when Jerry's done with lunch,

Jerry eats fuckin' Toblerone!

I don't care whatever fuckwit
excuse you come up with.

If it happens again, I'm gonna
staple your balls to the wall,

shit down your throat and then
stick a Grammy up your arse,

because who cares, I've
got so many of them,

and then, I'll fire you.

~ What about my word?
~ You never go back on your word, Jerry.

Fuck right, I don't.
Get it together, Hugo!

You insignificant needle-dick prick!

You should have heard him
when I forgot his Twiglets.

If you want live drums,
you can have live drums.

Where are we gonna find a drummer
at such short notice?

Are you sure you can do this?

I was playing in punk bands before
you got your first period.

Any I've heard of?

Screaming Vaginas. Face Kick. Piss.
Stiletto Testicle Smashers.

Iron Lung. Mandy Boy.

That one was new wave.

So, what is this song called?

It's called Last Place Hero.

Ugh, sounds like Bon Jovi.

~ Who are Bon Jovi?
~ They're the strap-ons of music.

~ Still got it.
~ All right, you got about 30 minutes
to get these vocals nailed.

I hope these great lyrics
are ready to go, Uncle Andy?

Mum, stop giggling or I'm
going to throw your phone!

Is that what I've raised?
A phone thrower? Wow!

~ Give it to me.
~ Guys, not now.

No. I'm an adult. It's
my business who I text.

You're sleeping with him, aren't you?

What if I am? Just because
you came out of my vagina,

it doesn't mean you can
control who goes in it!

(Sh! Jerry.)

~ Shall we go?
~ Are you kidding? This is
just starting to get good.

You don't even know this guy, he
could be a serial killer. Or worse.

~ Vegan.
~ Will you shut up!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut
up! Shut up! Shut up!

Between Sid and Nancy there,
and Hugo with your fat guitars,

and Sam with your sexting,
seriously! You're almost 40.

Have phone sex with
the man like an adult!

I mean, Jesus Christ, Val,
I mean, you're all right.

But you - why don't you just
let your mum get on with her own

love life instead of
interfering all the time?

If she wants to get serial
killed, it's up to her.

You dragged me out of
my deathbed to come here

and all you've done
is screwed with me.

All day long! Do you know
what you are? You're a...

~ He's just lost it, hasn't he?
~ Hmm.

.. and try and do anything! You...

Are you finished?

36 is not almost 40. And I'm
not the one wearing a onesie.

Last Place Hero, vocal, take one.

♪ Last place hero... ♪

Good start.

♪ Last place... ♪

♪ Last place... ♪

Stop looking at me!

I can do it. Just give me a minute.

He-e-e...

He-e-e...

He-e-e

He-e-e... ro.

He sounds like a chainsaw
fucking another chainsaw.

That was just a practice.
I'll get it next time.

Who'd have thought one day we'd
be hanging out like this, eh?

You don't need to cheer me up, Val.

I need the fresh air.

Plus your sister wouldn't stop
bothering me about her texts.

~ I've got the flu.
~ I've had the jab.

Doesn't taste of anything.

It's better than that
Nicotine gum, though.

~ That stuff just gave me a temper.
~ You? No way.

You know, I was a pretty
good musician.

Could have made a decent
living out of it.

Then the last band, the manager
quit, so I started booking gigs,

and then I was managing events in
clubs and now, I have my own club.

What's your point?

There's more than one
way to be a star, Andy.

Nice jumpsuit, by the way.

♪ You look behind

♪ You've constantly been overlapped

♪ I raise my hat

♪ I'm impressed that you really
ran with being crap... ♪

Sorry. Just messing about.

Oh, shit, not this again.

Gwen, will you do me the honour
of singing lead vocals on my song?

Only if we use Errol's lyrics.

Well, Roly? What do you say?

OK.

Only on one condition.

~ I can't believe I'm doing this.
~ Shhh. I need complete silence.

Guys, you know you've only got
seven minutes to get this vocal.

~ Just saying.
~ This reminds me of my NA meetings.

~ Oh, which one do you go to?
~ Quaker Centre, Notting Hill.

~ Oh, I've been there. Good crowd.
~ Yeah, they're...
~ Guys!

Dear corpse of famed American
astronomer, Carl Sagan.

Please bless us with the organic
molecules that have been

released from your
desiccated remains.

Look over the studio, poor gentle
Hugo and Gwen's beautiful vocals

and my amazing lyrics
to help this song shine.

Now Andy can get everything
that he deserves. Nothing.

~ Mossad, bitch!
~ Errol! What are you doing?

If you won't let me
play on my own track,

I'm going to delete the
whole project on three.

~ Roly, darling, just calm down.
~ One...

~ He doesn't know how to delete the project.
~ Two...

No! You said you were
going to go on three!

Well, I went on two.

Oh, hi, is this the right room?

Sorry, we're just wrapping
up in here. Thanks.

This was supposed to be our fun
day and you made it all about you!

Not everything wants keyboards, Errol.
Not every single song, Errol.

~ Am I right? I'm right, guys.
~ Well, it worked for the Beach Boys.

~ And The Cure.
~ And Deep Purple.
~ New Order.

~ Pink Floyd.
~ The Doors.

That is so effed-up, man.

All your nephew wanted was
to play with his uncle.

Shame on you.

But I'm sick!

You're right, man. You are sick.

Shit.

I'm sorry, Errol.

If I could re-record
it with you, I would.

But what can I do? We're out of time.

Look, you've got five minutes left.

Couldn't you just record
the whole thing live?

Sam, it...

That's a great idea.

Good luck, dickheads!

I'm sorry for trashing the project.
I hope this turns out good.

Don't worry about good.
Just try and have fun.

Right, this song's in
C. On your cue, Val.

♪ We're always told it's
all about the taking part

♪ Well, woop-dee-doo
and well done, you

♪ You took that sentiment to heart

♪ You lag behind

♪ You've constantly been overlapped

♪ I raise my hat

♪ I'm impressed that you've
really ran with being crap

~ ♪ Last place hero
~ Here we go again, here we go again

♪ You're perfect again

♪ Coming last again

♪ You can't know again

♪ You're on show again

♪ Feeling low again

♪ Acting real slow again

~ ♪ Last place hero
~ You offend again, can't pretend again

♪ Still regrets again

♪ Getting your revenge again

♪ You're really slumming it

♪ You're really slumming it now

♪ But you should know that
you're the best at being you

♪ The pity is how shitty
is everything you fuckin' do

♪ We're all wrong and you're
the only that's right

♪ You've tried your best

♪ You failed the test surrounded
in your self-made shite

♪ Can't afford your heating
cos your money's always spent

♪ Scraping every penny cos
you're always low on rent

♪ You're so good at slumming
it that you could be the coach

♪ Had the winning ticket but
you've used it for a roach

♪ Always missing birthdays
and you're never there on time

♪ Living like you're 20 even
though you're past your prime

♪ Last place, last place

♪ Everyone should just admit you're
absolutely smashing it now. ♪

~ Oh!
~ What?
~ It didn't record.

Only kidding. Yeah!

~ Hugo!
~ Jerry's going to kill me.

We won't let him, kid.

No, you know you don't understand.
Jerry's really strong!

He does cross-fit.

Who the fuck are these people?

We're The Bear Maximum.

That's the dumbest
name I've ever heard.

Hugo, I'm going to punch your
teeth out through your dick,

but first, you're fired.

No! You can't do that.
He's a good kid

And he's good at his job.

~ What's wrong with him?
~ He's got the flu.

What's the matter, Jerry?
Haven't had the jab?

~ Jerry doesn't believe in vaccines.
~ It'd be a shame to get you sick.

Just stay away from me.

~ Then give Hugo his job back!
~ No, get away! Fuck off.

You don't know where
I've been, Jerry.

You don't know what I've
been through in there.

Just stop! OK, yes! He
can have his job back.

~ Whatever you say.
~ Do you swear it, Jerry? Do you swear it?

Yes! You have my word. Just stop.

That's the grossest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

Bet you're glad I haven't
had the jab now, aren't you?

~ Where...?
~ We brought you home after you passed out.

Well, Val and Casper
carried you. I watched.

You feeling better?

I'll get you some more paracetamol.

Did you submit the song?

Hugo's still mixing it.
I'll do it in a few days.

But the deadline's tomorrow!

No, I just said that
to get you out of bed.

You know, erm, I've thought about it

and I will take your guitar up
Mount Everest if you really want.

~ You'd do that?
~ Yeah.

I will need 15 years of
mountaineering lessons first.

So, erm, don't die before that.

Oh, the tea!

Here you go, prick.

Look, it's probably none of my
business, but if you're going to

get serious with this guy,
you should probably tell him.

Yeah, you're right.

It's none of your business.

'Sam, you naughty girl. You want
to get kinky on the phone?

'Sam?'

Hello? Sam?

'Sam?'