Original subtitles

Surprise!

Oh, my God!

Dan, there must be like thousands...

4,500 to be precise.

4,500?

This is too much. I mean...

I can't accept this.

Are you sure? Jesus, thanks.

You're not keeping it, Donna. What?

I'm not giving it to you. I just want to have sex on it.

On the money? Yes.

So like role play? Yeah, sex on money.

So, like fantasy?

Yeah, sex on money. OK.

What and then I get it?

HE GROANS

TELEVISION

Can you pop out and get us a beer?

What?

Beer.

In the fridge.

Have one yourself.

Yeah, of course.

Do you want a sandwich?

TELEVISION: It's come to that time...

Oh, bacon...please.

Do you know something, Martin?

This is lovely.

Oh, yeah. You love it, don't you? You love my money. Look at it.

Hmm?

Look at my money.

Yeah. Look at my money. Look at my money.

Look at my money. Look at my money. Look at my money.

Look at my money, look at my money, look at my money, look at my money!

Look at my...MONEY!

MUSIC: "Sex On Fire" by Kings Of Leon

Harder, harder!

Shut your stupid face.

Why you do me like a pansy, boy?

With your spotty ass, you are lucky I put it in you at all.

You stink. I want to stink.

I love you so much.

I love you too, booby cheeks. Oh!

TELEVISION: Then it was like bring it on...

What are you doing?

Oh, right, well...

I have to meet Karen at 2pm and then we are going to pick Louise up at the airport.

Gosh, I wonder if she's changed?

Six months. I know I have, I've... I've changed.

Well, I've got a fringe now and, well, it's grown out a bit.

But, yes, that's not till two, so I'll just potter around here for a while.

Well, I'm going now, so you've gotta go.

But I don't have to meet them for three hours. I'll have to wait around. OK.

"OK" what? I can hang around here? No.

No?!

You're saying "no" - no I can't hang around here?

Donna, get out.

What?

Are you insane talking to me like that?

You better consider what you are saying to me, Stephan,

otherwise this whole thing is possibly right in danger

of being very, very in jeopardy, OK?

I'll ask you again and I want you to think carefully before you answer,

can I hang around here before picking up Louise from the airport?

No. Get out.

Right, right, OK, fine.

I happen to have to go to the library anyway, or the zoo.

I think...yeah, I have to go to the zoo. So that's fine.

But you should really fucking think about what happened here today.

What the frick time do you call this? You're late.

Sorry, I was unavoidably delayed. Do you know

they have got a monkey at the zoo looks exactly like Jamie Cullum.

He was wanking with his feet.

What is the matter with your face? Have you been crying?

Nothing's the matter.

You look like somebody hit you. I'm not wearing any make-up.

What?

Jesus Christ, Karen.

Martin thinks there is a time and a place for make-up. I happen to agree.

Karen you cannot have a man tell you not to wear make-up.

Women fought for your right to wear make-up.

You owe to it the suffragettes to put some foundation on.

I don't know, Donna. This thing with Martin is a whole new way of life.

I feel like I have found the secret to happiness.

Make your man happy and subjugate your every need to his. It's so simple.

Look, I'm not saying we shouldn't have the vote,

but when you think about it, I never voted anyway.

Is it a sex thing?

I'm making him a pie tonight.

That reminds me, I have to get down the butcher -

he won't eat fatty mince.

Hi!

Jesus... What the fuck. Where's your...

Where's your cheeks? I had amoebic dysentery.

Christ, Louise, how many amoebas did you eat?

Donna, Karen...

I'd like you to meet Greg, my man.

We only met two months ago, but you know

when you meet that special someone and you just think,

"I'm having that", and he's a laugh. We laugh a lot, don't we?

We laugh and laugh and laugh.

Well, laughter is the best medicine.

He's always coming out with things like that, he's great, isn't he?

I'm moving in with Greg, into his flat, isn't that fantastic?

I'll get us a taxi and then we can all get in and talk more.

Oh, yeah. Isn't he great?

He's just lovely. Let's go now. Now, now! Just go!

They're just things. I can replace things.

Shit! What am I going to do?

I have got to get rid of him. I'm gonna kill myself.

What was all that stuff about him being brilliant?

He saved my life...

from a mud slide.

Have you ever been hit by 15,000 cubic tons of mud?

It's not as much fun as it sounds.

He's a hero, I fell in love with a hero on holiday.

Well, what is the problem? He is a fucking goon.

You don't notice when you're abroad.

You're sitting on a beach watching the sun go down

and he says, "Life is like an ocean."

You think, "life is like an ocean", let's have sex.

But life isn't like on an ocean. How is life like an ocean?

In what way is life like an ocean?

That is not going to work. Not here, not in England.

Oh, my God, he is coming back. What am I going to do?

Don't worry, I'll distract him. Donna you talk to lollipop head.

Listen to me, you just have to talk to him, OK?

You do not have to live with a man you don't love, unless you have kids.

Or a mortgage, and you don't have either.

Right, I've got an idea.

Just whatever I say, back me up.

Right, I got us a cab. We can just get in it now.

Listen, Donna and Karen have asked me to move back in with them.

No way are you moving in with us! Because they really want me to.

No way, forget it.

Did you tell her that? She can't move in.

It is a match box! It's fricking tiny!

No fricking way is she fricking moving in. No way, fricking Jose.

Well, that's great,

because then me and Greg can move in together and basically be together forever.

Or until death's release.

Here we are.

Cosy, eh? All in one room together.

Is that a single bed?

Snuggly-muggly.

It's got everything we need.

It's like one of those little sinks at McDonalds -

everything's here, just compact.

Louise, you're going to love this, look.

You can actually reach the cooker from in bed. How cool is that?

It is like having a servant.

Let's get a puppy. What?

What sort of colour puppy?

I like brown, they're more loyal.

Greg, we can't get a puppy, that's a big commitment and I mean,

I'm not saying we shouldn't do committed things,

but what happens if one of us gets run over?

What's the puppy going to think?

It'll be great - you, me, the puppy.

Building a life together.

Just like we planned in the mud.

And who knows?

Maybe one day,

the patter of six little feet instead of just four.

You want to get a spider?

Nice, nice pie.

It's a little soggy.

I'm only telling you this for next time, 'cause I know you like to get it right.

I would say just a little less oil

as you are browning off the onions, reduce the stock just a touch more.

Other than that...

eight out of ten.

What? What is it? It's nothing.

Well, it is just...

mustard, there's no mustard.

There's mustard on the table.

It's wholegrain, Karen. Beef and onion pie needs English.

Well...

I could always pop out and get some.

Yes, I will just pop out.

It does need it. OK, I'll be back in a minute. Love you, babes.

Right, I'm off out tonight so you're gonna have to go.

I'm entertaining these guys from Bahrain.

Stephan, that's not on.

I should be coming with you. I'm great in those sort of situations. I'm an asset.

I love Arabs. You want to come?

Only if you want me to, I'm not forcing you to...

Yeah, I would like to come. OK.

OK, Donna. You can come.

Well, great. That's great.

I'm gonna say you're an escort though.

An escort?

Why are you talking about an escort?

Are you serious?

I'm not going to pretend I'm an escort! Why do I have to pretend I'm an escort?

What, just show up with a girlfriend I've never mentioned?

These are family people, family's important to them.

But you can turn up with an escort, that's fine? Yeah, that's fine.

Oh, my God!

That's what it is about, isn't it?

I'm not good enough to be your girlfriend,

but I'm good enough to be your high-class prostitute.

Yeah, great, fine...

well you can just stick that right up your big posh arse.

You think I'd do that?

How can you ask me?

Well, you know you just piss off to... Where's it you're going?

Kiki's. Yeah, well you can just piss off to...

What in Kensington? Yeah.

Where Harry and Wills are always getting pissed?

Yeah. With the booths where you get a table? Yeah, with the booths.

And you are paying for all that?

Erm, yeah. OK, fine, I'm coming but you make me sick.

Hey, Karen!

Oh...frick!

I was just...

sorry, I thought, how's it going?

I haven't seen you since...

Christ, Billy, look at the state of you!

I had some bad news, Karen.

So I have been self-medicating.

What bad news? What bad news?

That's what I'm asking you.

We should get together and have a coffee,

Tia Maria or something. Cake.

Billy, what bad news?

Cancer...

Got bowel cancer.

I know who'd have thought my liver would've outlasted my bowel?

Are you serious?

Quite serious, yes.

I'm gonna die.

Christ.

What are you doing like this when you're ill?!

When they told me, I thought I could try and do

all the things I never did, but wanted to, you know?

I made a list.

Sky dive...

...drive a train...

...swim with dolphins.

The problem was, the first thing on the list

was to do a big shitload of drink and drugs

and sort of slowed things down on the list front.

You serious? You've got cancer?

Yeah.

Sorry.

Sorry. Well, I'd better go.

I'm going to leave my number.

Actually, it's not mine, it's Tom's.

I don't know Tom, but he's a mate of Darren and I'm sleeping on Darren's garage.

You look great.

Apart from...

Is that cold now?

It is a bit, love. You can just nuke that for a couple of minutes.

Then just sit yourself down. Have a rest.

I just bumped into an old friend of mine.

An ex-boyfriend actually.

He's got cancer. God.

I know. He's really ill.

He's on his own. I can't help thinking I should go 'round there.

No, no, you don't want to do that, Karen.

But he's dying. Yeah, and that's awful, but...

No, don't go round there. You don't want to upset yourself.

I don't know, I'll sleep on it. No.

What?

Ex-boyfriends? Sorry, Karen I'm afraid this is going to have to be a no.

BLEEPING

I think the food's ready.

Yeah...yeah, of course.

Careful, love, that's a bit spicy.

Now what are you doing? That's too much!

Karen, this is...

Oh, I see. Right, well... That's not very clever, is it?

Because you're only ruining your own work, so who's sorry? Yeah, more.

You're only hurting yourself.

That's it, I'm going down the pub to get something to eat.

You have really disappointed me today, Karen.

Donna?

What's the problem?

You're really overreacting.

Overreacting?

You had another escort booked.

I just spent the entire night in there with you and another escort.

I was supposed to be your escort tonight, me.

From an agency.

How many times do I have to say, I forgot I booked her?

Look. It's a business thing.

It's just about appearances.

Is that why you spent the entire night cosying up to her?

Donna, I had my arm around you as much as her.

Stephan, I am a catch, OK?

Many, many, many men have fallen in love with me.

And not just idiots and losers and Karl,

but other men, real men, men who fight other men, and have jobs

and I never in all my experience had to put up with crap like this.

Donna, Donna. I'm sorry.

I genuinely forgot that I booked her and...

you know... I had no way of knowing that she was going to be

so much better looking than you.

Get a cab. Now!

Donna? Oh, God, hello. What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? Ask this prick.

How many times do I have to tell you to shut your stupid mouth?!

This thing here offers to take me for a meal for my birthday in Kensington.

What are you talking about? It's best kebabs in London.

Lily fucking Allen eats here.

Last time I make romantic gesture for you, you evil midget.

Just get me a chicken shish, that's all you are good for.

I'm good for busting your face, more ugly than it is. Give me the money.

You want chilli or not? Of course I do.

How is it going with Oleg?

Can I be honest with you, Donna?

He makes my pussy whole.

He completes me, completes me sexually and spiritually,

we're getting engaged.

Donna, I always thought female ejaculation was a myth,

until last night.

I nearly took his eye out. We had to go to a hospital.

Great that it's all going so well.

How's things going with you? Oh, great. I've been in there with...

In there with Karl? Karl's in Italy.

No, he is back.

What? Haven't you heard? He's come back.

I bumped into Tony, he said he got back last weekend.

Karl's back? Yeah, thought you knew.

I thought you'd be out celebrating,

or messing with each other's heads, whatever it is you two do.

Donna?

Yeah, no chilli.

I got you a large one, booby cheeks.

Donna, I've got us a cab.

Candice is going to come back with us.

She's paid for. So...

Stephan, you are a selfish, boring, obnoxious, unfunny

dog turd of a man.

You smell stale and you have dust where your soul should be

and for those reasons, Stephan, I am out.

Oh and by the way, I'm not really an escort.

I've actually been going out out with Stephan for two months.

He made me say I was one to fool you all.

As for me, I simply pretended I to be an escort so I could get into this swanky club

and be bought expensive drinks all night, free of charge, gratis.

I am no whore.

MUSIC: "Good Fortune" by PJ Harvey

Karen?

HORN BEEPS

Sorry about the mess, but, you know...

It's a garage. Fuck.

So good to see you. How are you? I missed you.

You look amazing, are you ill?

No, you look great.

How did you find me?

Billy!

We met last night. Yeah, I remember.

Last night?

What's this. Swimming with dolphins, tomorrow at two.

Drive a train at five.

I couldn't get the sky diving sorted, but I'm working on it.

These are the things you always wanted to do, aren't they?

Be there tomorrow at 2pm, or I'll fucking kill you before the cancer does.

I keep having to come up with excuses not to have sex.

I'm terrified he is going to inseminate me.

Last night, I pretended to be asleep from eight o'clock.

I had to pretend to sleep walk to the toilet three times.

Maybe I can just tell him I'm allergic to men's semen.

Louise, you don't have to stay with a man you don't love,

just because he saved your life.

It's not like he bought you a car or something.

This is terrible, we're turning into you and Karl.

Me and Karl?

What you talking about? Louise, me and Karl were meant for each other.

We're star-crossed lovers.

He went to Italy to get away from you.

Yeah, and now he is back.

What do you think he is back for? I don't know.

Well, I tell you what, it's not because I'm allergic to men's semen.

I can't believe you are going to see him. What about Stephan?

This thing with Stephan, my behaviour these last few month,

the drinking, all those men,

when I saw that lesbian for two weeks and the early-bird Spanish course?

It's all because my soul mate was gone.

I'm a lot deeper than I thought.

Does this make my nipples stick out enough?

Donna. Hey!

How are you?

I'm great. I'm great. Yeah, I'm great.

I am absolutely great. How are you?

Are you great? Look at you.

You big, fat eye-tie!

Not bad, though, excuse me.

I'm good! Jesus, Donna, it's fantastic to see you.

Is it? It's fantastic to see you, Italy and everything, you fuck.

Look at your tan. I have not a tan, have I? Yeah, yeah, a little bit

bronzed around the back of the neck and the triangles.

You look fantastic.

Well, come in.

Is your mum not in? Don't worry, the coast is clear.

So what's going on here? What is the news?

What hasn't gone on here?

Everything. Karen and I have moved into a new flat

and things have really moved on with me as well.

Well, I've done things like, erm...

Oh, we got these new hand driers in work, Dyson, air, that was...

How are you? How was Italy?

All right.

All right?

Just all right? Well you know, it was great, it was just harder than I thought.

You know, starting again. You miss things. Yeah?

Yeah. It hasn't been the same without you here.

There's been more kebabs to go around for a start.

Look, Karl, I just wanted to say something.

I know we can't just pick up where we left off... There she is.

Ciao. Ciao...

Donna, this is Sabina, my girlfriend, well, fiance.

That's why I've come back. We're getting married!

Well, congratulations.

That's brilliant.

Oh, that is... brilliant.

Congratulation, you cunts...

You lucky cunts. I was just saying,

"I bet he is back marrying some Italian piece."

Pleased to meet you, I'm Donna.

Oh, Donna. Ciao, Donna.

Karl tell me so much about you. I really pleased to see you.

Yeah, I'm really pleased to see you...here.

She has such a kind face.

Donna, so nice to meet you.

I think we be friends. Ci?

Yeah, I see.

What's she like?

She said, "ciao".

How pretentious is that?

Donna, that's how Italians say, "hello".

Is it?

What a pretentious nation.

I tell you what, there's something going on there. I don't trust her.

She's...friendly. Well, why are you arranging a night out with them?

Because we're all gonna be friends. We're all gonna be great friends.

We're gonna go clubbing, we're gonna hang out,

you me, Karl, what's her name, thingy head, bring Greg.

We're all gonna be great mates.

I'm simply going back to plan Stephan. Stephan? But...

Stephan is brilliant, Louise, and I'm going to marry him.

He might be a twat, but I love him. Or I might do one day.

Let me tell you something, life is there for the taking.

So I'm going to grab it by the throat

and pummel it and throttle it and stick it in the boot of my car

and stab it repeatedly over and over again until it says sorry.

Oh, there's a toy.

Try and make sure you hold the fin at the base - That's where it's strongest

and if you do feel him dipping under at any point

and you're not comfortable with that, simply let go.

Just try and relax because they're used to this.

So relax and let them do all the...

HE GROANS

...work.

One minute. Billy?

Are you off your tits?

No, I just did some mushrooms.

What? You can't swim with dolphin on mushrooms.

Dolphins on mushrooms.

So this is fulfilling your dreams?

Idiot. No, Karen don't go.

I just wanted to be like it was.

Just one day.

You and me.

Alcohol, narcotics, the old team.

One last time.

KNOCKING

What is it, Greg?

Can I come in? What?

I'm on the toilet.

It's lonely out here.

Meet Koi Jao.

It is Laotian for love.

Oh, Greg.

Don't you worry. We're not going to get run over.

Oh, Louise, look at his little eyes.

He loves you, look?

He loves you so much.

He would die without you.

So, basically, I know what it looks like, I know, I know.

But I can assure you...

that we have the capacity...

and...got what it takes to do this.

Unfortunately, the medication we are on is quite strong,

but my colleague is a doctor and he will write a note to say it's OK

for me and him to jump out a plane.

All that's important is to see that little fella's dream come true.

Please.

Please help me make that happen.

Should we eat these or put them up our bums?

No-one has ever really said no to me.

It was just... wow.

It was like being struck by lightning.

I think, Donna, I'm falling...

What do you think they talk about - food, football, the Sopranos, what?

Oh, God, that's a language joke. That can only be a language joke.

She said cheeps instead of chips.

She seems like a lovely person.

You only think that because you don't fully understand what she is saying.

If you took 40% of what I said away from me, I would sound great.

Any couple can get on well if they can't communicate.

Geez a tenner.

Geez a tenner, Stephan.

Sabina is such a good dancer.

What are you talking about? Anyone can dance! I can dance.

Dancing's not clever. Look at her, like a monkey.

Are you jealous of Sabina, Donna?

What?!

Oh, my God, now I have heard it all.

Are you insane? Are you mental? Jealous of Sabina?

That Sabina? Why would I be jealous of someone

that is feeding off an old carcass - chicken or something -

that I have threw in the bin when I have got steak at home.

Am I to assume I'm the steak?

Shut up, Stephan, and why are you sitting so close? What's the matter with you?

I feel like you're breathing my air. Why don't you just move over there.

Sit there. No there, there. Stephan...

God, I fucking love and fancy you.

Oh, hi, Karl. These are from Sabina.

THEY CHEER

You look great, Sabina.

I love the whole jeans and T-shirt thing, very chic.

Thank you! It's because Donna, she say this.

So kind. It's funny because in Italy we dress up for night out.

But Donna, she tell me "no".

Sabina, I was just ruminating to myself

about what with the language barrier and what have you,

how you and Karl commune, extrapolate ideas and so on and such forth.

Excuse me?

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

Ci, ci...

What the fuck are you doing?

I just picked up a few phrases.

You know, we're so crap at speaking other languages.

Yeah, well I can speak French, because I just wanted a useful language.

SHE SPEAKS FRENCH

Oui.

SHE SPEAKS JUMBLED FRENCH

CONTINUES TO SPEAK JUMBLED FRENCH

Sorry, Donna, my French is a little rusty.

What did you say?

Down in one!

Everyone!

I need liquid.

Do you want some water?

Don't take the fucking piss, Donna.

What a waste.

Is he OK there?

What him? Yeah, he's fine.

He's sleeping on udon noodles.

Karen? Can I tell you something?

Last night I saw Sabina with another man and I mean "with", Karen - WITH.

I don't want to jump to conclusions or put her down,

but she is a cheating slag, Karen.

What's the matter with you?

Leave the girl alone for Christ's sake, let them be happy.

What about what I saw? I saw something, who was she with?

I don't know. A friend, an acquaintance.

Ask Karl if you're so concerned, or talk to her, see what she has got to say.

But whatever you do, talk to someone, because you're doing everyone's head in.

You take a long, good look at yourself, Donna.

You're a mess.

Nanna!

Where are we going?

It's a surprise. Surprises have to be surprising, that's the surprise.

Look, Greg, I've been thinking.

Yeah, me too.

About how lucky I am.

What we went through in the mud, those moments,

well, they were just moments and this is our life.

And there are some things we really need to face.

Balloon! Greg, are you OK? You're shouting balloon at me.

Balloon, Louise, balloon.

So pleased to get your call, so nice you ask me for coffee.

Sorry?

Is there something wrong?

Well, I hope not.

Sabina...

I've known Karl for a long time.

We have a bond and I don't want you to think that I'm going to use

my influence with Karl against you, that is not what this is about.

But I'm going need some answers.

I don't understand.

Sabina, last night I saw you with another man.

Don't try and deny it.

I know what I saw, by the toilets.

You gave him your phone number and you kissed him with your lips.

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry, Donna - I no laugh at you.

Donna, me and Karl, we have a...

...open relationship. What?

We have open relationship.

You say it this way?

We see other peoples.

What, Karl?!

You see other peoples with Karl?

Ci. You don't do this?

What? No. Hang on - open...

Do you even know what that means?

Ci, we fuck with other people.

So you... with other men and he does his on top?

He wouldn't even watch porn with me.

Donna, I want to ask you something now -

do you want fuck Karl?

No!

Jesus. What? Because sometimes, I think you're jealous.

That you still want to be with Karl.

No, what are you talking about?

Because I am with Karl now.

You understand?

It was your boyfriend.

Now he's my boyfriend, not yours. Yes, I know. Good.

Good. Because I don't want to...

Make Karl cut you out of his life and for your friendship to be dead, OK?

Because I will, if I have to.

Oh, and me and Karl have open relationship,

but it's not open to you.

You cannot fuck my boyfriend.

Never. Never, ever.

Is clear, ci?

Ci.

Louise?

Greg, I know this probably isn't the best place, but I really have to.

Oh, shit! Being in this balloon reminds me how my heart

soars every day when I see you and I just know...

Oh, Christ! Oh, Christ-y God!

...that there's no other person on this planet I want to be with.

France! Greg, you can see France.

No, I don't want to interrupt, but you're missing it. You really can see.

Oh, fuck! You are my heart, my soul and my life.

Louise...

will you marry me?

No.

Will you marry me?

No.

I... I don't... I can't, Greg. Sorry.

I don't like you. Sorry, that sounds bad.

I mean, I don't love you.

I'm really, really sorry.

I did like you. But now I don't.

So how could I marry you?

It's not you, Greg.

It's your voice and the things that come out of your mouth. Oh, shit.

This isn't how I planned this.

And I'm sure this isn't how you planned this.

I don't love you, Greg. I'm sorry.

I don't want to be with you.

Oh... Oh, right.

Um...

Right.

Eh...

Greg...

What?

Oh, yeah.

Hang on.

Greg!

SHE SIGHS

I can't fucking stand this shit.

God... I mean, what a thing to happen.

A young life just snuffed out.

Well, not snuffed, dropped.

A young life just dropped out of a balloon like that.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Well, let's see what the doctors say.

There's... There's still a chance.

Look, Stephan, I've been thinking. Life is short,

and it's easy to see at this stage

that things probably aren't going to get any better for me.

I've thought about you and the kind of person you are,

and the good thing about you is, well,

you're a man and I think what I'm trying to say is...

yes, let's legitimise this partnership.

With the appropriate paperwork.

Are you proposing...

outside intensive care?

Yes, I am.

Let's get...fucking married.

Oh, well. What? Nothing.

He's in a coma.

They don't think he'll wake up.

Have they tried...? Oh, no, they probably have.

Listen, can I get you a coffee or something?

Can I have a tea, please? Sure.

How about you, Mrs Willoughby-Cl...?

Fuck off, Stephan!

SHE SNIVELS

Karen, are you all right? I didn't think you knew him that well.

It's not him, twat, it's you.

I keep on seeing you in there, Billy,

with tubes and wires and things, dying.

Me? Oh, right, yeah.

I can't bear it. SHE SOBS

Well...

...what if I was to tell you that...

it's cleared up?

Your cancer's cleared up? Yeah.

Yeah. The doctors... Well, not the doctors, but you know,

I don't have...any more, no cancer.

Your cancer's gone?

Gone. Isn't that great?

Right... Look...

I'm gonna be honest with you. I did have cancer. But not...

really cancer. It was more of a mole.

You know when you get a benign...?

It's benign so don't worry.

You know when you get a mole? When did you find out it wasn't cancer?

About two...

or three years ago.

You said you wanted to be with me.

I didn't even remember saying anything to you

and I thought you know, I could say, "No, I'm fine,"

and watch you walk away forever, or I could say

something that would make you want to stay.

Are you angry?

He's just lying there.

I mean, he's not moving, Donna.

He's not moving, he's not talking, he's not twitching or scratching.

He's not even thinking.

This is a terrible, terrible thing, but you must not beat yourself up like you...

I sort of like it. I mean, it's so calm in here.

It's like the Greg I fell in love with. Is that wrong?

Yes!

It is. It's VERY wrong.

I'm not leaving him, Donna.

What are you talking about?

I owe it to him. And OK, it's not ideal,

but let's give it a chance, I say. Louise...

You've got to understand.

It's like when we were together in the mud, but the other way around.

I can repay the favour, I can keep his head above the water,

or at least wipe the spittle off his chops.

Louise, I think this is shock. You need to go home, take some time...

No, I'm not going anywhere.

I'm staying with my man -

THE man.

The man in a fucking coma!

No-one's perfect, Donna.

We off, then?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, hi, Donna.

How was the hospital? Oh, you know, tough.

But he doesn't seem to be suffering. And if he is, he's keeping it quiet.

Look, Karl, all of this has just made me think

about you and me and the way I've been behaving and I just wanted to say...

Look, I just wanted to say t-t-that I'm really

happy that you and Sabina are together.

You know, she obviously makes you really...really happy and that's good.

Oh, right. Um...cheers, Donna.

I mean, it took a bit of getting used to, seeing you with someone else.

You know, there are still feelings. Well, of course.

I mean...me too.

I don't know...

I don't know, Donna.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if you and me... Yeah, great, brilliant.

That's... I can't listen to that.

Em... Blah-blah-blah, I... That's sorted so I'll be off.

Look, can you tell Sabina sorry if I overreacted.

She told me about the whole open relationship, other people thing

and you know, I've thought about it and yeah, whatever makes you happy.

Go for it, you pair of dirty birds. What?!

No, "good luck" is what I'm saying.

Fuck it, yeah. Shag around, do it,

keep the spice there with, em, double dip if you...

Why not? Be safe, though. I don't know what you're talking about.

I saw Sabina with that bloke, the other night, in the club.

She explained the whole thing.

You and her and fucking other peoples and having an open relationship.

We don't have an open relationship.

You saw Sabina with another man?

(No.)

She's fucking "other peoples"?!

No. Why? I-I-I never said... Who said that?

Well, who did you see her with? I didn't see her with... Donna?

OK, look, another tack.

Can you not tell Sabina that I said anything,

because I don't want her to think that I'm... Karl?

You left the door open. Jesus Christ!

Martin, what are you doing here?

Have you learnt your lesson yet?

Yes, Martin, I have learnt my lesson.

That if you're going to shag a pie-eating mummy's boy, then at least choose one

who knows the difference between a sneeze and an orgasm.

That's right, Martin - I was sneezing.

Right, come on, let's go.

You're not staying here, Karen. This is destroying you.

Get your stuff. Don't make me hurt you, Martin.

Look...

Fatty mince?

Diet drinks? A Peperami?

What is all this saying? Think.

You're a mess without me, Karen.

This is not what you want. I know that, you know that.

Women don't want this, all this.

Look, now, let's stop the pretence and go home.

I love you.

I do.

Look, what you made me do.

Hm? I didn't want to do that. You made me do that.

You made that happen.

You stupid fucking bitch.

Yeah, I just... I just hit him.

I grabbed the nearest thing and I just hit,

you know, I just hit him with this pan. Pie pan.

You mean "pie dish"? There's no such thing as a "pie pan".

"Pan", "dish", "kettle", "cauldron" -

I fucking hit him with it, all right? Where is he now?

I tied him to a chair.

I didn't know what else to do.

H-H-He started waking up and I just panicked, I just...

I put him in your room. What?! My room? What's wrong with your room?

No, no, you did the right thing.

He's a psycho. I'm scared.

I'm really fucking scared.

It's OK. Everything is OK. We are not going to let him hurt you.

Louise is right. Everything is going to be fine.

We're going to look after you.

Right, I'm going to call the police.

Don't call the police. I'm worried because of what I did.

Don't be silly, you had to do that.

Karen, that was self-defence. Yeah, but the other thing.

So, you tied him up? They're going to understand that. He's a nutter.

Yeah. But the other things.

What other things?

He looks angry.

He's fucking furious, Louise. I've super-glued his socks to his feet.

Have you been pelting him with tomatoes?

I ran out of eggs. Oh, God! What are we going to do? Let's talk in the other room.

What for? He's got tampons in his ears. He can't hear a fucking thing.

This is crazy. I mean, look at the rug! We're never getting our deposit back.

DOORBELL RINGS

OK.

OK. I'm going to see who it is.

Keep an eye on him.

Keep an eye on her.

Happy now? The wedding is off. That's the second wedding you've ruined for me.

How many more weddings are you going to ruin for me? Stop ruining my weddings!

Did you make a pact with the devil to dedicate your life to fucking mine up?

Every time you hurt me, do you grow a bit stronger? Is it one of those things?

Please just tell me. How many more honeymoons

am I going to have to go to on my own before you're happy?

Karl, do you think you can give us a hand with something? MUFFLED SHOUTING

What do we do? I mean, you're a man.

This is your sort of area - rough and tumble.

"Rough and tumble"?!

He's had Mini Babybels stuck up his arse.

I got a bit carried away.

So he hit you then?

Jesus, though, this is a bit... Well, you know.

Karl, if you're not going to offer any positive suggestions,

what are you doing here?

What...? You asked me in.

I was quite happy out there having my life ruined. He's lucky.

He's just being tortured.

I wish to God someone would tie me to a chair and wax my bollocks, I really do.

It'd be a holiday compared to the mental torture of knowing you.

It's not my fault your girlfriend is...

What? ...is a person who... is a loony slag.

HE LAUGHS Because I've never had one of those before, have I, DONNA?

God, what made you so cynical? You.

Can't we pretend it's an accident?

What about a sex game that went wrong?

He was actually there, Louise.

I think he might remember. We could dump him in the woods. What? Kill him?

No! We'll just...

Look, if we take him far enough into the woods then maybe, you know, he'll go away.

Yeah, into a gingerbread cottage(!)

Is killing him an option?

Louise, we're not killing him! Jesus.

No, we're going to talk to him and reason with him.

We're going to go up there, take the tampons out of his mouth and ears

and reason with him like sensible adults. We're going to say,

"Sorry, please don't kill us or get us arrested,"

and we're going to hope he's calmed down a bit.

And if that doesn't work, then we're going to dump him in the woods.

What if he bites us? He's not going to bite us. Is he?

MUFFLED SHOUTING Who's going to do it?

All right, I'll, um...

He's angry, ain't he?

SOBBING: Please, please!

Please don't let her hurt me!

Please don't. I swear.

I'll be good. Please don't let her kill me.

Oh, God, I think I messed myself. HE SOBS

Well, that's the Babybels dislodged at least.

You've got a bit of, um...

What? Oh. ...tomato.

Mince meat.

Thanks for coming here, Karl.

I couldn't face the pub.

And they do a really good dish here

that's basically a chicken shish with a yoghurty kind of...

I didn't know you that you didn't know about Sabina. I really didn't.

I would never have said that if I did.

I'd have just posted an anonymous note.

So, what now, then? Are you going to marry Stephan?

No. No, he's got money, but at the end of the day, he makes

my skin crawl and I don't think that works in a marriage. Not these days.

What about you and me? Suddenly we're both single.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that.

Look, Karl, we have to decide what we want to do, OK?

We can't keep on like this.

It's not working, is it?

You and me, we just... We don't work together in any way.

Wanting to be with someone isn't enough.

So I think you should just go back to Italy and I should stay here and

we should never contact each other ever again in our lives.

What do you think?

I think...

...that's a good idea.

OK.

But on the other hand,

I've got a wedding going spare, thanks to you.

It would be a shame to waste it... when you think.

You have both made the declarations prescribed by law

and made a pledge to each other for the future.

It gives me great pleasure to pronounce you man and wife together.

What?

# I'm going to look until I drop

# I'll never stop

# I won't give up in any way, shape or form

# Well, I'm going out

# I'm going to find myself a girl

# Take her out into the world

# We'll learn to dance

# We'll take a chance We'll start romance all over again

# Love is lies

# Love is eyes

# Love is everything that's nice... #

So this is it? Yeah.

Something you should say?

I don't know, eh...

I don't think so. Yeah, good. Good.

Um...you'd better go. You'll miss your flight.

Yeah.

So this is it? It is.

It's, eh... It's it.

Have a good trip. I will. And, eh...

You know, that's it, really.

What? Nothing.

I thought you were going to...? What?

PA SYSTEM CHIMES British Midland passengers for flight BD6. This is the final call.

This flight is now closing at gate two.

I think they're boarding your flight.

Yeah, I think they are.

If you don't go now, you'll miss it.

Yeah...

I will.

# There are explosive kegs

# Between my legs

# Dear God

# Please help me. #