All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S02E10.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

[ Earl Narrating ]
Me and Randy were about to take
our very first airplane ride.

Since we aren't big travelers,
we weren't sure what to pack,
so we packed everything.

We weren't goin'
on vacation though.

We were goin' to take care
of the most recent item
on my list--

got Catalina
kicked out of America.

You see, recently I was
on a winnin' streak, gamblin'.
Yeah, Tito!

- No matter what I bet on--
- Yeah, buddy!

I just couldn't lose.
You can't lose, Earl.

But I got so caught up
in gamblin',

I forced Catalina
to drive without a license
and get pulled over.

She was too worried
about her boobs escapin'
to make an escape of her own--

Let go of me!
and she was deported.

You have to believe me,
I am an American.

McDonald's. Disneyland.
Jim Belushi!

[ Earl Narrating ]
And because of me, Randy
lost his chance...

to finally tell Catalina
how he felt about her.

You think Catalina's
been robbed, or murdered,
or gone out on a date?

Any of those would be
my worst nightmare.
** [ "Hotel California" ]

But if I had to pick one,
I guess I hope she gets robbed.

We'll keep our fingers
crossed, Randy,
but I wouldn't worry.

I mean, it's her own country.
She's gotta have friends
down there.

** [ Man Singing
"Hotel California"
In Spanish ]

How come you always get
to be the Bandit?

'Cause when
you're the Bandit,
you always cave in...

when the women cry
and beg for the lives
of their children.

Plus, I have the mustache.
* Welcome to
the Hotel California *

- My mother could be the Bandit.
- Shut up, cleaning lady.

* Such a lovely place *

Lots to do today
on my list.
You and your stupid list.

Número ochenta y seis--

steal the donkey
from a one-legged girl.

You tip over the girl,
I'll get the donkey.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] Since the
drawstring handles on Randy's
luggage had already broken...

and I didn't want the same thing
to happen to mine,

we decided to get
a proper suitcase.

Unfortunately,
my ex-wife still had mine.

Listen, Joy, I need to get
that suitcase my dad gave me
for my 18th birthday.

We don't have time,
so I don't want to
fight about it.

Lemonade?
It's pink flavor.

What'd you do to it?
Oh, sweetie pants.

The world is filled with
sunshine and pink lemonade if
you just learn to trust people.

I'll get the suitcase.

Oh, and, Randy, I made
a gingerbread house
this morning.

You can nibble on the roof
if you want.

- Hey, fellas.
- Hey, Crabman.
What's up with Joy?

Her lady lawyer put her on
some prescription medication...

to make sure she doesn't
lose her temper in court.

You know how sometimes people
say, "Take a chill pill"?
Joy did.

I wish she was taking
those pills back when you
were married to her.

Me too. All she ever took
back then was cough syrup
and strawberry wine.

It made her horny
for 10 minutes,
then she'd just get pissed.

If I wasn't
quick enough in bed,
I'd get punched in the junk.

Yeah, when it gets
towards nine minutes,
I try to get behind her.

** [ Whistling ]

Is that George Clooney
standin' in my livin' room?

Randy, your hair looks great.

Are you doin'
somethin' different,
like the movie stars do?

I slept on my left side
instead of my right.

And then in the morning,
it was itchy back here,
so I did this.

Hmm. Well, it is workin'
for you, sugar butt.

I tell ya, if there was
a Perfect 10 magazine
for ex-brother-in-laws,

I'd put you on the cover.

Suitcase! Suitcase.
[ Claps Hands ]

Man, those are
some powerful pills.

Yeah. Unfortunately,
Mr. Turtle got ahold of one.

I have to keep flipping him.

[ Earl Narrating ]
We finally made it
to the airport.

And it turns out airport people
ask a lot more questions
than bus people.

How many individuals
are flying?
Two.

- When would you like to depart?
- Well, whenever's good
for the pilot.

I mean, we're ready
to go now, but whenever
the pilot's ready to go.

[ Woman On P.A. ]
TransGlobal Flight 53--

- Would you like a window seat
or an aisle seat?
- I want a chair seat.

Either one's fine.

Passports?
Past sports? Hmm.

Uh, played a little baseball
and some soccer as a kid--

No, sir, to leave the country,
you both need passports.

Identification.
Oh, passports.

I think you only need those
if you're a foreigner.
We're American.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out even Americans
need passports.

So we went
to the passport office,

where we filled out a few forms
and got our pictures taken.

[ Shutter Clicking,
Bulb Popping ]

And they only had
one requirement when you
get your picture taken:

you had to keep
your eyes open,

which I could never
seem to do.

- Come on, Earl.
- I'm tryin', Randy.

[ Exhales ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Then Randy had an idea.

Perfect.

Hmm. Your eyes are brown.
They look green in this picture.

Uh, yeah, I-I recently had
a double eye transplant.
They're from a pig.

Uh, they tried to find one
with green eyes, but,

well, unfortunately,
they save those
for famous people.

Okeydokey.

[ Earl Narrating ] While me
and Randy were havin' trouble
gettin' to Catalina's village,

she was havin' trouble gettin'
used to life back at home.

-Why are you taping
that old lady to a chair?
-I kidnapped my friend's mother.

He's sick of living with her,
so I'm going to make her smoke
cigarettes until she dies.

This is the cruelest,
most unjustified kidnapping
I have ever seen.

- How many have you seen?
- Six or so.

Hmm.

[ Man On P.A. ] Please do not
leave luggage unattended.
[ Man ] All right, sir.

Why is everyone
takin' their shoes off?

They have to make sure
there aren't explosives
in them.

Explosives?
Yeah. It's happened.

- Hey!
- Whew.

Sir, come with me, please.

Hey, Earl, throw your shoes.
If they don't blow up, you get
to go to the front of the line.

[ Guard ]
Wait, sir.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The good thing about goin'
your whole life...

without ever having flown
on an airplane...

is everything is new to you.

Hey, Earl. Sky Mall!
There's a mall in the sky.

If this plane stops there,
I want to get Catalina one
of these hot dog cookers...

that cooks
the buns and the wieners
at the same time.

It doesn't say it's the perfect
gift for the love of your life,
but obviously it is.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I'd always wondered how a big
airplane like this could fly.

Turns out the ushers
had their doubts too.

In the event
of an emergency evacuation,

please calmly make your way
to the emergency exit
nearest you.

Also make sure
all carry-on items
are stowed securely.

Damn.
[ Clears Throat ]

Uh, sorry to bother you, sir,
but it seems that our row...

is exactly in the middle
of the two emergency exits.

So, uh, we should decide now...

who should go to the front
and who should go to the back
if we have to get out of here.

Sure.
We'll go to the front.

- [ Clears Throat ]
Uh, listen, is-is-is--
- We'll go to the back.

Good, 'cause I already
had it in my head that way.
And you'll tell her, right?

[ Flight Attendant ]
Cell phones and laptops.

And in the event of
an emergency water landing,

your seat may be used
as a floatation device.

Um, excuse me, ma'am.

You-- You just said
my seat "may be" used
as a floatation device.

Is that "may be"
as in "can be,"

or "maybe,"
like "maybe yours will
or maybe yours won't"?

'Cause I didn't ask
for a floatin' seat.

- I-- I would have, but that
wasn't one of the choices.
- All the seats float, sir.

And if there's a crash on land,
will these seat cushions
break our fall?

Earl, be quiet.
You're gonna get us
thrown out.

And in the event that the cabin
loses pressure, oxygen masks
will fall from the ceiling.

Uh, that's it.
No, thank you.

- This is my stop.
- Earl!

You might try
sprinklin' in a few stories
about what happens...

in the event the plane
doesn't crash.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since it turned out planes
scare the crap outta me,

I was lookin' into other ways
of gettin' to Catalina.

We can take a bus for the first
13 days, then it looks like
it's all donkey from there.

- Donkeys can swim, right?
- Hey, you guys back from
Catalina's already?

We didn't go.
Someone was afraid to fly.

Someone whose name rhymes
with "girl," as in sissy girl
who wears flannel shirts.

Do you still need more hints?
Because it's Earl.

Look, I just don't understand
how somethin' that big
can stay in the air.

- Wings don't even flap.
- Earl, it's okay to be afraid.

Fear is just your feelings
askin' for a hug.

- I like the new Joy.
- I don't.

I mean, I still enjoy
her old hotness, but new Joy
doesn't have any fight in her.

Those pills make her
like... Finland.

I didn't fall in love
with Finland, Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
There was a reason Darnell
was missin' Joy's fight.

Their new neighbors wanted
a bigger front yard,

so they parked
their double-wide closer
to Joy and Darnell.

Honey, we're outta toilet paper.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Too close.

Well, go to the store
and get some!

I can't really
do that right now!

Well, neither can I.
I'm paintin' the coffee stains
outta the mugs.

Aren't you gonna
do somethin'?

Of course I am.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Be careful.
They have bleach in 'em,
so they might burn a little.

[ Bell Dings ]

Hey, wait. If there's a pill
that can make Joy not mean,

I bet there's a pill
that can make you
not a sissy.

Maybe I can
break it up and put it
in your applesauce.

Shoot, why'd I tell you that?
I know. I'll just squish it
in a banana.

Damn it, I did it again.
Now I'm runnin' outta fruits.

Randy, I can swallow
a pill whole.

No, I want to sneak it
to you in somethin'.

I hope the pill is small,
because I know how you
love blueberries.

Crap!

[ Earl Narrating ]
So to get the pills, we went
to the only doctor we knew.

So Earl, Randy, uh,

says here that
I haven't seen you boys
since you were 10.

Well, you know,
you get busy.

I haven't been seein'
another doctor, if that's
what you're worried about.

Do you still
give out lollipops?

On the way out,
if you're good.

So, Earl, I see you have
some anxiety about flying.

Well, actually
more about crashin'.
Crashin' and dyin'.

I can write you up
a prescription for a sedative
that should help you.

Now, since you're going
to Latin America, I assume
you've had your inoculations.

Here we go
with the upsell.

Come on now.
You want to make sure
you don't get any diseases.

I'll just give you one shot.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, thank you, Doc.
I don't like needles.

I'll just get whatever diseases
they have down there.
I'm fine with that.

Just get the shot, Earl.
Don't be a wuss.

I'm not a wuss, Randy.
I just don't think I need--

Oop! That's a sharp one.

Earl, the love of my life
is down there.

Plus, she's on your list.
You gotta do this.

Why do I have to
get the shot?

They got the diseases
down there. How come they
all can't get shots?

Fine.
Do whatever you want.

I'm sorry, Randy.
I just think there's
other ways we can--

[ Screams ]
Son of a bitch! How did I
not see that comin'?

[ Earl Narrating ]
So I took the pills,

and me and Randy
headed back to the airport
to get on the plane.

But I was already flyin'.
Whoo! Check it!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Yeah, these pills were
somethin' else. I liked 'em.

And as the plane
was about to take off,

I left the wild
ridin'-the-suitcase-while-
screamin'-at-strangers phase...

and entered the calm
sleepin'-in-my-seat-
and-droolin'-on-my-shirt phase.

Man, those pills are great.
Yeah, you've been asleep
for hours.

I know. They knocked me out
just before we took off and
wore off right after we landed.

That's the way to fly,
Randy.
Oh, we haven't flown yet.

But you just said
I was out for hours.
You were.

But we've been sittin'
on the runway the whole time.

Somethin' about
mechanical difficulties.
Mechanical difficulties?

Yeah, there was a bright flash,
and I heard somebody scream.

They gave us animal crackers.
I ate yours.

Randy?

I think we're takin' off now.
They probably fixed it.

Give me the pills, Randy.
I need more pills.

They're in the suitcase,
and the lady said
it was under the plane.

But every time I open the door
lookin' for the stairs, all I
find is a teeny tiny bathroom.

Let me off!
Stop the plane!
Back it up!

No! Earl, you're not supposed
to stand up during takeoff.

Those ladies did
a whole play about it.

- Earl!
- Hold it!

Sir, we're in the air.
I can't let you off
the plane this time.

I'll let myself off.
I know where
the emergency exits are.

Sir, don't make me
do this.

[ Screams ]

- [ Grunts ]
- Ouch! Get the straps!
We've got a biter!

[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was strugglin' because
I couldn't take my pills,

Darnell was strugglin'
'cause Joy was still
taking hers.

[ Phone Ringing ]

Telephone!
What?

Telephone!
Let the machine pick it up!

[ Answering Machine Clicks ]

[ Man, Woman ] You've
reached David and Tina Hays.
Leave a message. Ciao.

[ Answering Machine Beeps ]
[ Woman On Phone ]
Hello? Hello?

It's your grandmother.
Are you home? Pick up!

I wanted to check
on Christmas plans.

I could come there,
but you'd have to
come pick me up.

I could get Lucille
to drive me, unless
you're serving alcohol.

Are you serving alcohol?

If you are, I can't have
Lucille drive me,

because that drive home
on Thanksgiving
was terrifying.

Are you gonna do
something about this?
Terrifying, I tell you.

I guess I'll have to.
It was horrible!

And is your husband's brother
going to be there?

Ryan, is it?
He is just--

Hello,
people next door's grandma.
Don't worry about a thing.

We'll pick you up
and bring you over
for Christmas.

You're gonna have to do it
though. I'm not supposed to
drive on these pills.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After bein' tied up on an
airplane for eight hours,

I was happy to walk
on solid ground.

Which was good, 'cause
we had about two miles of it
on the way to the bus station.

Catalina's village
is a five hour bus ride,

and we have to
get on the bus now
'cause it's leavin' soon.

Okay. I just gotta get
somethin' to eat first.

No, Earl,
we don't have time.
But there's tacos, Randy.

You know how I feel
about tacos.

It's the only food
shaped like a smile.
A beef smile. I'm goin'.

No, Earl. There won't be another
bus goin' to Catalina's village
until tomorrow,

so we have to
get on that one.

We can eat when we get there.
That's easy for you to say.
You got to eat on the plane.

[ Muffled ]
Put it down!

I'm sorry, Randy.
I gotta get somethin' to eat.

No, Earl,
I can't let you do that.

Um, I wasn't askin'
for your permission, Randy.

Um, I wasn't askin'
if you were askin', Earl.

We're not missin' that bus
just so you can get a taco.
You're right, Randy.

I'm gonna get two tacos
and maybe some of that freaky
white soda they got.

Uh, excuse-o,
por favor.
Ande.

Uh, is this
the end-o of the line?
[ Grunts ]

[ Both Grunting ]

** [ Man Singing In Spanish ]

[ Shouts ]
Let go, Randy!

Not until
you get on the bus!
[ Grunts ]

** [ Singing In Spanish
Continues ]

Quit dragging your feet, Earl.
This'll go a lot easier.
I want a taco!

[ Screams ]
You bit me!

Sorry, Randy.
It had to be done.
Fine! I give up.

You can have your stupid taco.

When we get
to Catalina's village!

Let go!
No!

You're splittin' me!
Then put me down!

No!
[ Grunts ]

Randy, I'm gettin' a taco!

[ Screams ]
Damn it, Randy!
Now I'm hungry and blind!

You're being such a baby!
You've been complainin'
the whole trip.

"Waah, waah, waah.
I'm afraid to fly.
I don't like needles.

I'm hungry and blind."

Sorry, senor.
Ow!

You hungry, baby?
You want a bottle?

Here.
Have your bottle, baby.

Randy, stop it!
Randy, stop it!
[ Baby Crying ]

No. Have your bottle, baby.
Randy, I'm serious.

If you don't let go,
I'm gonna kill you, I swear!
Have your bottle, baby.

That's gross!
We're gettin' on the bus.

I want my taco!
Ow! Not the 'stache!
Not the 'stache!

Not the 'stache!
Not the 'stache!
Drive.

Don't drive!
Drive!

Why you bein' such a jerk?
You're the one
being the jerk.

You got Catalina deported,

and now you're about to let
some stupid taco cost me
the love of my life!

Here we go again.
The love of your life.

- Like you really have
a chance with her.
- [ Passengers ] Aww!

[ Muttering In Spanish ]

He started it.

I know the word on the bus
is I'm the jerk,

but there was a whole lot
of stuff that happened outside.

Is my mustache even?
'Cause that's somethin' he did.
He yanked on it.

No, thanks.

You know what?
Actually, I'm starvin'.
I think I will take a bite.

Thank you.

Mmm. Looks like a Slim Jim,
tastes like a doughnut.

That's brilliant.
Can't believe you guys
are so poor.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Oh, this is gonna be great.
My brother's freaked out
by birds.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy's been terrified
of birds his whole life.

[ Clucking ]
Little ones, big ones.

Even those talkin' ones
people keep as pets.

Hey, Earl, did you see
what that stupid bird--
[ Screams ]

You know how when you let go
of the end of a balloon,

and it goes
flyin' around the room
makin' a squealy noise?

Well, you're about to see
a grown man do the same thing.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So I sat back and waited...

for the Randy balloon
to start flyin'.

[ Chicken Clucking ]
But it never did.

He was sittin' face to beak
with an upside down chicken,

and he didn't even flinch.

He was so focused on
gettin' back the woman he loved,
he wasn't scared of anything.

Not the bird, not the shots,
not the airplane,

not even kickin' my ass.

That's when I realized,
if Randy's love for Catalina
was that strong,

he could make
anything possible.

So who was I to say
he didn't have a chance?

You know what?
He was right.

I have been a baby
and a screwup.

He's been the one that's
kept it together and figured out
how to get everything done.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Yeah, you're right.
Maybe that's why
I yelled at him.

I don't like bein' the one
who screws up.

[ Spanish ]

Exactly.

I couldn't handle feelin'
like a loser, so I was tryin'
to make him feel like one.

You know what?
I gotta tell him I'm sorry.

And from now on,
if he can be brave
and keep it together,

I can be brave
and keep it together.

Gracias.

[ Spanish ]

You, gringo, off the bus.

[ Earl Narrating ]
But my apology and bravery
would have to wait.

Oh! Not the 'stache!
Not the 'stache!
Not the 'stache!

[ Earl Narrating ]
'Cause Randy was so focused on
gettin' back the woman he loved,

he also didn't notice
his brother gettin' kidnapped.

I would've yelled
"I'm sorry,"

but there's a time to apologize
and there's a time to keep
your mouth shut...

and hope that the two crazy
Latino dudes with guns
don't shoot you.