Original subtitles

[ Earl Narrating ] Me and Randy were about to take our very first airplane ride.

Since we aren't big travelers, we weren't sure what to pack, so we packed everything.

We weren't goin' on vacation though.

We were goin' to take care of the most recent item on my list--

got Catalina kicked out of America.

You see, recently I was on a winnin' streak, gamblin'. Yeah, Tito!

- No matter what I bet on-- - Yeah, buddy!

I just couldn't lose. You can't lose, Earl.

But I got so caught up in gamblin',

I forced Catalina to drive without a license and get pulled over.

She was too worried about her boobs escapin' to make an escape of her own--

Let go of me! and she was deported.

You have to believe me, I am an American.

McDonald's. Disneyland. Jim Belushi!

[ Earl Narrating ] And because of me, Randy lost his chance...

to finally tell Catalina how he felt about her.

You think Catalina's been robbed, or murdered, or gone out on a date?

Any of those would be my worst nightmare. ** [ "Hotel California" ]

But if I had to pick one, I guess I hope she gets robbed.

We'll keep our fingers crossed, Randy, but I wouldn't worry.

I mean, it's her own country. She's gotta have friends down there.

** [ Man Singing "Hotel California" In Spanish ]

How come you always get to be the Bandit?

'Cause when you're the Bandit, you always cave in...

when the women cry and beg for the lives of their children.

Plus, I have the mustache. * Welcome to the Hotel California *

- My mother could be the Bandit. - Shut up, cleaning lady.

* Such a lovely place *

Lots to do today on my list. You and your stupid list.

Número ochenta y seis--

steal the donkey from a one-legged girl.

You tip over the girl, I'll get the donkey.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] Since the drawstring handles on Randy's luggage had already broken...

and I didn't want the same thing to happen to mine,

we decided to get a proper suitcase.

Unfortunately, my ex-wife still had mine.

Listen, Joy, I need to get that suitcase my dad gave me for my 18th birthday.

We don't have time, so I don't want to fight about it.

Lemonade? It's pink flavor.

What'd you do to it? Oh, sweetie pants.

The world is filled with sunshine and pink lemonade if you just learn to trust people.

I'll get the suitcase.

Oh, and, Randy, I made a gingerbread house this morning.

You can nibble on the roof if you want.

- Hey, fellas. - Hey, Crabman. What's up with Joy?

Her lady lawyer put her on some prescription medication...

to make sure she doesn't lose her temper in court.

You know how sometimes people say, "Take a chill pill"? Joy did.

I wish she was taking those pills back when you were married to her.

Me too. All she ever took back then was cough syrup and strawberry wine.

It made her horny for 10 minutes, then she'd just get pissed.

If I wasn't quick enough in bed, I'd get punched in the junk.

Yeah, when it gets towards nine minutes, I try to get behind her.

** [ Whistling ]

Is that George Clooney standin' in my livin' room?

Randy, your hair looks great.

Are you doin' somethin' different, like the movie stars do?

I slept on my left side instead of my right.

And then in the morning, it was itchy back here, so I did this.

Hmm. Well, it is workin' for you, sugar butt.

I tell ya, if there was a Perfect 10 magazine for ex-brother-in-laws,

I'd put you on the cover.

Suitcase! Suitcase. [ Claps Hands ]

Man, those are some powerful pills.

Yeah. Unfortunately, Mr. Turtle got ahold of one.

I have to keep flipping him.

[ Earl Narrating ] We finally made it to the airport.

And it turns out airport people ask a lot more questions than bus people.

How many individuals are flying? Two.

- When would you like to depart? - Well, whenever's good for the pilot.

I mean, we're ready to go now, but whenever the pilot's ready to go.

[ Woman On P.A. ] TransGlobal Flight 53--

- Would you like a window seat or an aisle seat? - I want a chair seat.

Either one's fine.

Passports? Past sports? Hmm.

Uh, played a little baseball and some soccer as a kid--

No, sir, to leave the country, you both need passports.

Identification. Oh, passports.

I think you only need those if you're a foreigner. We're American.

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out even Americans need passports.

So we went to the passport office,

where we filled out a few forms and got our pictures taken.

[ Shutter Clicking, Bulb Popping ]

And they only had one requirement when you get your picture taken:

you had to keep your eyes open,

which I could never seem to do.

- Come on, Earl. - I'm tryin', Randy.

[ Exhales ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Then Randy had an idea.

Perfect.

Hmm. Your eyes are brown. They look green in this picture.

Uh, yeah, I-I recently had a double eye transplant. They're from a pig.

Uh, they tried to find one with green eyes, but,

well, unfortunately, they save those for famous people.

Okeydokey.

[ Earl Narrating ] While me and Randy were havin' trouble gettin' to Catalina's village,

she was havin' trouble gettin' used to life back at home.

-Why are you taping that old lady to a chair? -I kidnapped my friend's mother.

He's sick of living with her, so I'm going to make her smoke cigarettes until she dies.

This is the cruelest, most unjustified kidnapping I have ever seen.

- How many have you seen? - Six or so.

Hmm.

[ Man On P.A. ] Please do not leave luggage unattended. [ Man ] All right, sir.

Why is everyone takin' their shoes off?

They have to make sure there aren't explosives in them.

Explosives? Yeah. It's happened.

- Hey! - Whew.

Sir, come with me, please.

Hey, Earl, throw your shoes. If they don't blow up, you get to go to the front of the line.

[ Guard ] Wait, sir.

[ Earl Narrating ] The good thing about goin' your whole life...

without ever having flown on an airplane...

is everything is new to you.

Hey, Earl. Sky Mall! There's a mall in the sky.

If this plane stops there, I want to get Catalina one of these hot dog cookers...

that cooks the buns and the wieners at the same time.

It doesn't say it's the perfect gift for the love of your life, but obviously it is.

[ Earl Narrating ] I'd always wondered how a big airplane like this could fly.

Turns out the ushers had their doubts too.

In the event of an emergency evacuation,

please calmly make your way to the emergency exit nearest you.

Also make sure all carry-on items are stowed securely.

Damn. [ Clears Throat ]

Uh, sorry to bother you, sir, but it seems that our row...

is exactly in the middle of the two emergency exits.

So, uh, we should decide now...

who should go to the front and who should go to the back if we have to get out of here.

Sure. We'll go to the front.

- [ Clears Throat ] Uh, listen, is-is-is-- - We'll go to the back.

Good, 'cause I already had it in my head that way. And you'll tell her, right?

[ Flight Attendant ] Cell phones and laptops.

And in the event of an emergency water landing,

your seat may be used as a floatation device.

Um, excuse me, ma'am.

You-- You just said my seat "may be" used as a floatation device.

Is that "may be" as in "can be,"

or "maybe," like "maybe yours will or maybe yours won't"?

'Cause I didn't ask for a floatin' seat.

- I-- I would have, but that wasn't one of the choices. - All the seats float, sir.

And if there's a crash on land, will these seat cushions break our fall?

Earl, be quiet. You're gonna get us thrown out.

And in the event that the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling.

Uh, that's it. No, thank you.

- This is my stop. - Earl!

You might try sprinklin' in a few stories about what happens...

in the event the plane doesn't crash.

[ Earl Narrating ] Since it turned out planes scare the crap outta me,

I was lookin' into other ways of gettin' to Catalina.

We can take a bus for the first 13 days, then it looks like it's all donkey from there.

- Donkeys can swim, right? - Hey, you guys back from Catalina's already?

We didn't go. Someone was afraid to fly.

Someone whose name rhymes with "girl," as in sissy girl who wears flannel shirts.

Do you still need more hints? Because it's Earl.

Look, I just don't understand how somethin' that big can stay in the air.

- Wings don't even flap. - Earl, it's okay to be afraid.

Fear is just your feelings askin' for a hug.

- I like the new Joy. - I don't.

I mean, I still enjoy her old hotness, but new Joy doesn't have any fight in her.

Those pills make her like... Finland.

I didn't fall in love with Finland, Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] There was a reason Darnell was missin' Joy's fight.

Their new neighbors wanted a bigger front yard,

so they parked their double-wide closer to Joy and Darnell.

Honey, we're outta toilet paper. [ Earl Narrating ] Too close.

Well, go to the store and get some!

I can't really do that right now!

Well, neither can I. I'm paintin' the coffee stains outta the mugs.

Aren't you gonna do somethin'?

Of course I am.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Be careful. They have bleach in 'em, so they might burn a little.

[ Bell Dings ]

Hey, wait. If there's a pill that can make Joy not mean,

I bet there's a pill that can make you not a sissy.

Maybe I can break it up and put it in your applesauce.

Shoot, why'd I tell you that? I know. I'll just squish it in a banana.

Damn it, I did it again. Now I'm runnin' outta fruits.

Randy, I can swallow a pill whole.

No, I want to sneak it to you in somethin'.

I hope the pill is small, because I know how you love blueberries.

Crap!

[ Earl Narrating ] So to get the pills, we went to the only doctor we knew.

So Earl, Randy, uh,

says here that I haven't seen you boys since you were 10.

Well, you know, you get busy.

I haven't been seein' another doctor, if that's what you're worried about.

Do you still give out lollipops?

On the way out, if you're good.

So, Earl, I see you have some anxiety about flying.

Well, actually more about crashin'. Crashin' and dyin'.

I can write you up a prescription for a sedative that should help you.

Now, since you're going to Latin America, I assume you've had your inoculations.

Here we go with the upsell.

Come on now. You want to make sure you don't get any diseases.

I'll just give you one shot. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, thank you, Doc. I don't like needles.

I'll just get whatever diseases they have down there. I'm fine with that.

Just get the shot, Earl. Don't be a wuss.

I'm not a wuss, Randy. I just don't think I need--

Oop! That's a sharp one.

Earl, the love of my life is down there.

Plus, she's on your list. You gotta do this.

Why do I have to get the shot?

They got the diseases down there. How come they all can't get shots?

Fine. Do whatever you want.

I'm sorry, Randy. I just think there's other ways we can--

[ Screams ] Son of a bitch! How did I not see that comin'?

[ Earl Narrating ] So I took the pills,

and me and Randy headed back to the airport to get on the plane.

But I was already flyin'. Whoo! Check it!

[ Earl Narrating ] Yeah, these pills were somethin' else. I liked 'em.

And as the plane was about to take off,

I left the wild ridin'-the-suitcase-while- screamin'-at-strangers phase...

and entered the calm sleepin'-in-my-seat- and-droolin'-on-my-shirt phase.

Man, those pills are great. Yeah, you've been asleep for hours.

I know. They knocked me out just before we took off and wore off right after we landed.

That's the way to fly, Randy. Oh, we haven't flown yet.

But you just said I was out for hours. You were.

But we've been sittin' on the runway the whole time.

Somethin' about mechanical difficulties. Mechanical difficulties?

Yeah, there was a bright flash, and I heard somebody scream.

They gave us animal crackers. I ate yours.

Randy?

I think we're takin' off now. They probably fixed it.

Give me the pills, Randy. I need more pills.

They're in the suitcase, and the lady said it was under the plane.

But every time I open the door lookin' for the stairs, all I find is a teeny tiny bathroom.

Let me off! Stop the plane! Back it up!

No! Earl, you're not supposed to stand up during takeoff.

Those ladies did a whole play about it.

- Earl! - Hold it!

Sir, we're in the air. I can't let you off the plane this time.

I'll let myself off. I know where the emergency exits are.

Sir, don't make me do this.

[ Screams ]

- [ Grunts ] - Ouch! Get the straps! We've got a biter!

[ Earl Narrating ] While I was strugglin' because I couldn't take my pills,

Darnell was strugglin' 'cause Joy was still taking hers.

[ Phone Ringing ]

Telephone! What?

Telephone! Let the machine pick it up!

[ Answering Machine Clicks ]

[ Man, Woman ] You've reached David and Tina Hays. Leave a message. Ciao.

[ Answering Machine Beeps ] [ Woman On Phone ] Hello? Hello?

It's your grandmother. Are you home? Pick up!

I wanted to check on Christmas plans.

I could come there, but you'd have to come pick me up.

I could get Lucille to drive me, unless you're serving alcohol.

Are you serving alcohol?

If you are, I can't have Lucille drive me,

because that drive home on Thanksgiving was terrifying.

Are you gonna do something about this? Terrifying, I tell you.

I guess I'll have to. It was horrible!

And is your husband's brother going to be there?

Ryan, is it? He is just--

Hello, people next door's grandma. Don't worry about a thing.

We'll pick you up and bring you over for Christmas.

You're gonna have to do it though. I'm not supposed to drive on these pills.

[ Earl Narrating ] After bein' tied up on an airplane for eight hours,

I was happy to walk on solid ground.

Which was good, 'cause we had about two miles of it on the way to the bus station.

Catalina's village is a five hour bus ride,

and we have to get on the bus now 'cause it's leavin' soon.

Okay. I just gotta get somethin' to eat first.

No, Earl, we don't have time. But there's tacos, Randy.

You know how I feel about tacos.

It's the only food shaped like a smile. A beef smile. I'm goin'.

No, Earl. There won't be another bus goin' to Catalina's village until tomorrow,

so we have to get on that one.

We can eat when we get there. That's easy for you to say. You got to eat on the plane.

[ Muffled ] Put it down!

I'm sorry, Randy. I gotta get somethin' to eat.

No, Earl, I can't let you do that.

Um, I wasn't askin' for your permission, Randy.

Um, I wasn't askin' if you were askin', Earl.

We're not missin' that bus just so you can get a taco. You're right, Randy.

I'm gonna get two tacos and maybe some of that freaky white soda they got.

Uh, excuse-o, por favor. Ande.

Uh, is this the end-o of the line? [ Grunts ]

[ Both Grunting ]

** [ Man Singing In Spanish ]

[ Shouts ] Let go, Randy!

Not until you get on the bus! [ Grunts ]

** [ Singing In Spanish Continues ]

Quit dragging your feet, Earl. This'll go a lot easier. I want a taco!

[ Screams ] You bit me!

Sorry, Randy. It had to be done. Fine! I give up.

You can have your stupid taco.

When we get to Catalina's village!

Let go! No!

You're splittin' me! Then put me down!

No! [ Grunts ]

Randy, I'm gettin' a taco!

[ Screams ] Damn it, Randy! Now I'm hungry and blind!

You're being such a baby! You've been complainin' the whole trip.

"Waah, waah, waah. I'm afraid to fly. I don't like needles.

I'm hungry and blind."

Sorry, senor. Ow!

You hungry, baby? You want a bottle?

Here. Have your bottle, baby.

Randy, stop it! Randy, stop it! [ Baby Crying ]

No. Have your bottle, baby. Randy, I'm serious.

If you don't let go, I'm gonna kill you, I swear! Have your bottle, baby.

That's gross! We're gettin' on the bus.

I want my taco! Ow! Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache!

Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache! Drive.

Don't drive! Drive!

Why you bein' such a jerk? You're the one being the jerk.

You got Catalina deported,

and now you're about to let some stupid taco cost me the love of my life!

Here we go again. The love of your life.

- Like you really have a chance with her. - [ Passengers ] Aww!

[ Muttering In Spanish ]

He started it.

I know the word on the bus is I'm the jerk,

but there was a whole lot of stuff that happened outside.

Is my mustache even? 'Cause that's somethin' he did. He yanked on it.

No, thanks.

You know what? Actually, I'm starvin'. I think I will take a bite.

Thank you.

Mmm. Looks like a Slim Jim, tastes like a doughnut.

That's brilliant. Can't believe you guys are so poor.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Oh, this is gonna be great. My brother's freaked out by birds.

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy's been terrified of birds his whole life.

[ Clucking ] Little ones, big ones.

Even those talkin' ones people keep as pets.

Hey, Earl, did you see what that stupid bird-- [ Screams ]

You know how when you let go of the end of a balloon,

and it goes flyin' around the room makin' a squealy noise?

Well, you're about to see a grown man do the same thing.

[ Earl Narrating ] So I sat back and waited...

for the Randy balloon to start flyin'.

[ Chicken Clucking ] But it never did.

He was sittin' face to beak with an upside down chicken,

and he didn't even flinch.

He was so focused on gettin' back the woman he loved, he wasn't scared of anything.

Not the bird, not the shots, not the airplane,

not even kickin' my ass.

That's when I realized, if Randy's love for Catalina was that strong,

he could make anything possible.

So who was I to say he didn't have a chance?

You know what? He was right.

I have been a baby and a screwup.

He's been the one that's kept it together and figured out how to get everything done.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Yeah, you're right. Maybe that's why I yelled at him.

I don't like bein' the one who screws up.

[ Spanish ]

Exactly.

I couldn't handle feelin' like a loser, so I was tryin' to make him feel like one.

You know what? I gotta tell him I'm sorry.

And from now on, if he can be brave and keep it together,

I can be brave and keep it together.

Gracias.

[ Spanish ]

You, gringo, off the bus.

[ Earl Narrating ] But my apology and bravery would have to wait.

Oh! Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache!

[ Earl Narrating ] 'Cause Randy was so focused on gettin' back the woman he loved,

he also didn't notice his brother gettin' kidnapped.

I would've yelled "I'm sorry,"

but there's a time to apologize and there's a time to keep your mouth shut...

and hope that the two crazy Latino dudes with guns don't shoot you.