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1
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:05,173
[ Earl Narrating ]
Me and Randy were about to take
our very first airplane ride.
2
00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:10,344
Since we aren't big travelers,
we weren't sure what to pack,
so we packed everything.
3
00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:12,580
We weren't goin'
on vacation though.
4
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:15,516
We were goin' to take care
of the most recent item
on my list--
5
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,585
got Catalina
kicked out of America.
6
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:21,255
You see, recently I was
on a winnin' streak, gamblin'.
Yeah, Tito!
7
00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:24,425
- No matter what I bet on--
- Yeah, buddy!
8
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:26,494
I just couldn't lose.
You can't lose, Earl.
9
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,662
But I got so caught up
in gamblin',
10
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:31,432
I forced Catalina
to drive without a license
and get pulled over.
11
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:34,502
She was too worried
about her boobs escapin'
to make an escape of her own--
12
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,570
Let go of me!
and she was deported.
13
00:00:36,604 --> 00:00:39,773
You have to believe me,
I am an American.
14
00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:43,077
McDonald's. Disneyland.
Jim Belushi!
15
00:00:43,111 --> 00:00:45,313
[ Earl Narrating ]
And because of me, Randy
lost his chance...
16
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,581
to finally tell Catalina
how he felt about her.
17
00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:54,822
You think Catalina's
been robbed, or murdered,
or gone out on a date?
18
00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:57,391
Any of those would be
my worst nightmare.
** [ "Hotel California" ]
19
00:00:57,425 --> 00:01:00,461
But if I had to pick one,
I guess I hope she gets robbed.
20
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:03,131
We'll keep our fingers
crossed, Randy,
but I wouldn't worry.
21
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,766
I mean, it's her own country.
She's gotta have friends
down there.
22
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:08,136
** [ Man Singing
"Hotel California"
In Spanish ]
23
00:01:09,637 --> 00:01:11,872
How come you always get
to be the Bandit?
24
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,275
'Cause when
you're the Bandit,
you always cave in...
25
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:17,178
when the women cry
and beg for the lives
of their children.
26
00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:19,113
Plus, I have the mustache.
* Welcome to
the Hotel California *
27
00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:22,150
- My mother could be the Bandit.
- Shut up, cleaning lady.
28
00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:23,784
* Such a lovely place *
29
00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:27,355
Lots to do today
on my list.
You and your stupid list.
30
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,690
Número ochenta y seis--
31
00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:32,426
steal the donkey
from a one-legged girl.
32
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,695
You tip over the girl,
I'll get the donkey.
33
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,833
My name is Earl.
34
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:47,308
[ Earl Narrating ] Since the
drawstring handles on Randy's
luggage had already broken...
35
00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:49,843
and I didn't want the same thing
to happen to mine,
36
00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:52,280
we decided to get
a proper suitcase.
37
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:54,482
Unfortunately,
my ex-wife still had mine.
38
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:57,585
Listen, Joy, I need to get
that suitcase my dad gave me
for my 18th birthday.
39
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,820
We don't have time,
so I don't want to
fight about it.
40
00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:01,922
Lemonade?
It's pink flavor.
41
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:05,659
What'd you do to it?
Oh, sweetie pants.
42
00:02:05,693 --> 00:02:09,797
The world is filled with
sunshine and pink lemonade if
you just learn to trust people.
43
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,732
I'll get the suitcase.
44
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,737
Oh, and, Randy, I made
a gingerbread house
this morning.
45
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,472
You can nibble on the roof
if you want.
46
00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:26,814
- Hey, fellas.
- Hey, Crabman.
What's up with Joy?
47
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:29,383
Her lady lawyer put her on
some prescription medication...
48
00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:31,752
to make sure she doesn't
lose her temper in court.
49
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:35,323
You know how sometimes people
say, "Take a chill pill"?
Joy did.
50
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:38,226
I wish she was taking
those pills back when you
were married to her.
51
00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:41,762
Me too. All she ever took
back then was cough syrup
and strawberry wine.
52
00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:44,465
It made her horny
for 10 minutes,
then she'd just get pissed.
53
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:48,202
If I wasn't
quick enough in bed,
I'd get punched in the junk.
54
00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:50,771
Yeah, when it gets
towards nine minutes,
I try to get behind her.
55
00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:55,576
** [ Whistling ]
56
00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:59,247
Is that George Clooney
standin' in my livin' room?
57
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,582
Randy, your hair looks great.
58
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,418
Are you doin'
somethin' different,
like the movie stars do?
59
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:07,521
I slept on my left side
instead of my right.
60
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:10,424
And then in the morning,
it was itchy back here,
so I did this.
61
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:13,294
Hmm. Well, it is workin'
for you, sugar butt.
62
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:16,264
I tell ya, if there was
a Perfect 10 magazine
for ex-brother-in-laws,
63
00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,432
I'd put you on the cover.
64
00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:24,405
Suitcase! Suitcase.
[ Claps Hands ]
65
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:27,375
Man, those are
some powerful pills.
66
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,578
Yeah. Unfortunately,
Mr. Turtle got ahold of one.
67
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:32,913
I have to keep flipping him.
68
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,283
[ Earl Narrating ]
We finally made it
to the airport.
69
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:39,353
And it turns out airport people
ask a lot more questions
than bus people.
70
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,422
How many individuals
are flying?
Two.
71
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:44,792
- When would you like to depart?
- Well, whenever's good
for the pilot.
72
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:47,628
I mean, we're ready
to go now, but whenever
the pilot's ready to go.
73
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:50,864
[ Woman On P.A. ]
TransGlobal Flight 53--
74
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,634
- Would you like a window seat
or an aisle seat?
- I want a chair seat.
75
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,569
Either one's fine.
76
00:03:58,306 --> 00:04:02,042
Passports?
Past sports? Hmm.
77
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:05,413
Uh, played a little baseball
and some soccer as a kid--
78
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:08,449
No, sir, to leave the country,
you both need passports.
79
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:11,519
Identification.
Oh, passports.
80
00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:16,290
I think you only need those
if you're a foreigner.
We're American.
81
00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,892
[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out even Americans
need passports.
82
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,994
So we went
to the passport office,
83
00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:23,897
where we filled out a few forms
and got our pictures taken.
84
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:25,666
[ Shutter Clicking,
Bulb Popping ]
85
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:29,036
And they only had
one requirement when you
get your picture taken:
86
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:32,039
you had to keep
your eyes open,
87
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:34,775
which I could never
seem to do.
88
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:38,779
- Come on, Earl.
- I'm tryin', Randy.
89
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,381
[ Exhales ]
90
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,352
[ Earl Narrating ]
Then Randy had an idea.
91
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:02,903
Perfect.
92
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:08,909
Hmm. Your eyes are brown.
They look green in this picture.
93
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:13,080
Uh, yeah, I-I recently had
a double eye transplant.
They're from a pig.
94
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:16,049
Uh, they tried to find one
with green eyes, but,
95
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:18,586
well, unfortunately,
they save those
for famous people.
96
00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:20,053
Okeydokey.
97
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,593
[ Earl Narrating ] While me
and Randy were havin' trouble
gettin' to Catalina's village,
98
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,529
she was havin' trouble gettin'
used to life back at home.
99
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:35,102
-Why are you taping
that old lady to a chair?
-I kidnapped my friend's mother.
100
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:39,106
He's sick of living with her,
so I'm going to make her smoke
cigarettes until she dies.
101
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:42,943
This is the cruelest,
most unjustified kidnapping
I have ever seen.
102
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:45,045
- How many have you seen?
- Six or so.
103
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:47,415
Hmm.
104
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,854
[ Man On P.A. ] Please do not
leave luggage unattended.
[ Man ] All right, sir.
105
00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:58,526
Why is everyone
takin' their shoes off?
106
00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:00,794
They have to make sure
there aren't explosives
in them.
107
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:03,531
Explosives?
Yeah. It's happened.
108
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,707
- Hey!
- Whew.
109
00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:16,710
Sir, come with me, please.
110
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:20,047
Hey, Earl, throw your shoes.
If they don't blow up, you get
to go to the front of the line.
111
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,450
[ Guard ]
Wait, sir.
112
00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:24,552
[ Earl Narrating ]
The good thing about goin'
your whole life...
113
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,554
without ever having flown
on an airplane...
114
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:29,056
is everything is new to you.
115
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:32,426
Hey, Earl. Sky Mall!
There's a mall in the sky.
116
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:35,829
If this plane stops there,
I want to get Catalina one
of these hot dog cookers...
117
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:38,632
that cooks
the buns and the wieners
at the same time.
118
00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:42,770
It doesn't say it's the perfect
gift for the love of your life,
but obviously it is.
119
00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:45,673
[ Earl Narrating ]
I'd always wondered how a big
airplane like this could fly.
120
00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:47,975
Turns out the ushers
had their doubts too.
121
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:50,811
In the event
of an emergency evacuation,
122
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,514
please calmly make your way
to the emergency exit
nearest you.
123
00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:59,152
Also make sure
all carry-on items
are stowed securely.
124
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:01,522
Damn.
[ Clears Throat ]
125
00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:05,158
Uh, sorry to bother you, sir,
but it seems that our row...
126
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,728
is exactly in the middle
of the two emergency exits.
127
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,963
So, uh, we should decide now...
128
00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:12,966
who should go to the front
and who should go to the back
if we have to get out of here.
129
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,168
Sure.
We'll go to the front.
130
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:21,241
- [ Clears Throat ]
Uh, listen, is-is-is--
- We'll go to the back.
131
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:25,913
Good, 'cause I already
had it in my head that way.
And you'll tell her, right?
132
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:28,649
[ Flight Attendant ]
Cell phones and laptops.
133
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,719
And in the event of
an emergency water landing,
134
00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:34,522
your seat may be used
as a floatation device.
135
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,757
Um, excuse me, ma'am.
136
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:41,128
You-- You just said
my seat "may be" used
as a floatation device.
137
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,831
Is that "may be"
as in "can be,"
138
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:46,667
or "maybe,"
like "maybe yours will
or maybe yours won't"?
139
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,936
'Cause I didn't ask
for a floatin' seat.
140
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:52,573
- I-- I would have, but that
wasn't one of the choices.
- All the seats float, sir.
141
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:54,975
And if there's a crash on land,
will these seat cushions
break our fall?
142
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:57,277
Earl, be quiet.
You're gonna get us
thrown out.
143
00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:01,749
And in the event that the cabin
loses pressure, oxygen masks
will fall from the ceiling.
144
00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:04,818
Uh, that's it.
No, thank you.
145
00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:06,720
- This is my stop.
- Earl!
146
00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:09,857
You might try
sprinklin' in a few stories
about what happens...
147
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,960
in the event the plane
doesn't crash.
148
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:20,167
[ Earl Narrating ]
Since it turned out planes
scare the crap outta me,
149
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,736
I was lookin' into other ways
of gettin' to Catalina.
150
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:26,640
We can take a bus for the first
13 days, then it looks like
it's all donkey from there.
151
00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:30,310
- Donkeys can swim, right?
- Hey, you guys back from
Catalina's already?
152
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:33,180
We didn't go.
Someone was afraid to fly.
153
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:37,685
Someone whose name rhymes
with "girl," as in sissy girl
who wears flannel shirts.
154
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,853
Do you still need more hints?
Because it's Earl.
155
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:43,056
Look, I just don't understand
how somethin' that big
can stay in the air.
156
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:47,027
- Wings don't even flap.
- Earl, it's okay to be afraid.
157
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:49,863
Fear is just your feelings
askin' for a hug.
158
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,270
- I like the new Joy.
- I don't.
159
00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:01,642
I mean, I still enjoy
her old hotness, but new Joy
doesn't have any fight in her.
160
00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:04,712
Those pills make her
like... Finland.
161
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:07,014
I didn't fall in love
with Finland, Earl.
162
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,683
[ Earl Narrating ]
There was a reason Darnell
was missin' Joy's fight.
163
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:12,085
Their new neighbors wanted
a bigger front yard,
164
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:14,888
so they parked
their double-wide closer
to Joy and Darnell.
165
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:17,290
Honey, we're outta toilet paper.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Too close.
166
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:19,927
Well, go to the store
and get some!
167
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,062
I can't really
do that right now!
168
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:26,199
Well, neither can I.
I'm paintin' the coffee stains
outta the mugs.
169
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,374
Aren't you gonna
do somethin'?
170
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,309
Of course I am.
171
00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:41,014
Here you go, sweetheart.
172
00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:43,316
Be careful.
They have bleach in 'em,
so they might burn a little.
173
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,054
[ Bell Dings ]
174
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:50,323
Hey, wait. If there's a pill
that can make Joy not mean,
175
00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:53,060
I bet there's a pill
that can make you
not a sissy.
176
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:56,196
Maybe I can
break it up and put it
in your applesauce.
177
00:09:56,229 --> 00:10:00,267
Shoot, why'd I tell you that?
I know. I'll just squish it
in a banana.
178
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,736
Damn it, I did it again.
Now I'm runnin' outta fruits.
179
00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:04,872
Randy, I can swallow
a pill whole.
180
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:07,708
No, I want to sneak it
to you in somethin'.
181
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:10,277
I hope the pill is small,
because I know how you
love blueberries.
182
00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:13,146
Crap!
183
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:16,684
[ Earl Narrating ]
So to get the pills, we went
to the only doctor we knew.
184
00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:19,687
So Earl, Randy, uh,
185
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,790
says here that
I haven't seen you boys
since you were 10.
186
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:24,992
Well, you know,
you get busy.
187
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:27,394
I haven't been seein'
another doctor, if that's
what you're worried about.
188
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,229
Do you still
give out lollipops?
189
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,164
On the way out,
if you're good.
190
00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:34,367
So, Earl, I see you have
some anxiety about flying.
191
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:39,239
Well, actually
more about crashin'.
Crashin' and dyin'.
192
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:43,744
I can write you up
a prescription for a sedative
that should help you.
193
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:48,181
Now, since you're going
to Latin America, I assume
you've had your inoculations.
194
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,718
Here we go
with the upsell.
195
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:54,788
Come on now.
You want to make sure
you don't get any diseases.
196
00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:57,390
I'll just give you one shot.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
197
00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,793
No, thank you, Doc.
I don't like needles.
198
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,162
I'll just get whatever diseases
they have down there.
I'm fine with that.
199
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,331
Just get the shot, Earl.
Don't be a wuss.
200
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:06,934
I'm not a wuss, Randy.
I just don't think I need--
201
00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:09,002
Oop! That's a sharp one.
202
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:10,938
Earl, the love of my life
is down there.
203
00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:13,340
Plus, she's on your list.
You gotta do this.
204
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,475
Why do I have to
get the shot?
205
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,779
They got the diseases
down there. How come they
all can't get shots?
206
00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:20,948
Fine.
Do whatever you want.
207
00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:23,450
I'm sorry, Randy.
I just think there's
other ways we can--
208
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:26,419
[ Screams ]
Son of a bitch! How did I
not see that comin'?
209
00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:28,756
[ Earl Narrating ]
So I took the pills,
210
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:31,759
and me and Randy
headed back to the airport
to get on the plane.
211
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:35,295
But I was already flyin'.
Whoo! Check it!
212
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:44,171
[ Earl Narrating ]
Yeah, these pills were
somethin' else. I liked 'em.
213
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,473
And as the plane
was about to take off,
214
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:49,943
I left the wild
ridin'-the-suitcase-while-
screamin'-at-strangers phase...
215
00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:54,181
and entered the calm
sleepin'-in-my-seat-
and-droolin'-on-my-shirt phase.
216
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:05,959
Man, those pills are great.
Yeah, you've been asleep
for hours.
217
00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:10,197
I know. They knocked me out
just before we took off and
wore off right after we landed.
218
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:13,100
That's the way to fly,
Randy.
Oh, we haven't flown yet.
219
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,770
But you just said
I was out for hours.
You were.
220
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:19,072
But we've been sittin'
on the runway the whole time.
221
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:22,009
Somethin' about
mechanical difficulties.
Mechanical difficulties?
222
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,912
Yeah, there was a bright flash,
and I heard somebody scream.
223
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:27,214
They gave us animal crackers.
I ate yours.
224
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,885
Randy?
225
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:34,287
I think we're takin' off now.
They probably fixed it.
226
00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:36,890
Give me the pills, Randy.
I need more pills.
227
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:39,893
They're in the suitcase,
and the lady said
it was under the plane.
228
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:43,196
But every time I open the door
lookin' for the stairs, all I
find is a teeny tiny bathroom.
229
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:46,499
Let me off!
Stop the plane!
Back it up!
230
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,436
No! Earl, you're not supposed
to stand up during takeoff.
231
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,272
Those ladies did
a whole play about it.
232
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:55,442
- Earl!
- Hold it!
233
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:58,078
Sir, we're in the air.
I can't let you off
the plane this time.
234
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,513
I'll let myself off.
I know where
the emergency exits are.
235
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:02,515
Sir, don't make me
do this.
236
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:04,251
[ Screams ]
237
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:10,891
- [ Grunts ]
- Ouch! Get the straps!
We've got a biter!
238
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:13,460
[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was strugglin' because
I couldn't take my pills,
239
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:16,864
Darnell was strugglin'
'cause Joy was still
taking hers.
240
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:20,567
[ Phone Ringing ]
241
00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:24,204
Telephone!
What?
242
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:27,340
Telephone!
Let the machine pick it up!
243
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:29,542
[ Answering Machine Clicks ]
244
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:33,513
[ Man, Woman ] You've
reached David and Tina Hays.
Leave a message. Ciao.
245
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:36,449
[ Answering Machine Beeps ]
[ Woman On Phone ]
Hello? Hello?
246
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:40,087
It's your grandmother.
Are you home? Pick up!
247
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,956
I wanted to check
on Christmas plans.
248
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:46,126
I could come there,
but you'd have to
come pick me up.
249
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,395
I could get Lucille
to drive me, unless
you're serving alcohol.
250
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,463
Are you serving alcohol?
251
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:53,000
If you are, I can't have
Lucille drive me,
252
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:55,135
because that drive home
on Thanksgiving
was terrifying.
253
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,370
Are you gonna do
something about this?
Terrifying, I tell you.
254
00:13:57,404 --> 00:14:01,074
I guess I'll have to.
It was horrible!
255
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:03,877
And is your husband's brother
going to be there?
256
00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:06,246
Ryan, is it?
He is just--
257
00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:09,049
Hello,
people next door's grandma.
Don't worry about a thing.
258
00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:12,052
We'll pick you up
and bring you over
for Christmas.
259
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:15,088
You're gonna have to do it
though. I'm not supposed to
drive on these pills.
260
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:23,263
[ Earl Narrating ]
After bein' tied up on an
airplane for eight hours,
261
00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:26,099
I was happy to walk
on solid ground.
262
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:30,270
Which was good, 'cause
we had about two miles of it
on the way to the bus station.
263
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,405
Catalina's village
is a five hour bus ride,
264
00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:35,108
and we have to
get on the bus now
'cause it's leavin' soon.
265
00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:37,644
Okay. I just gotta get
somethin' to eat first.
266
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,913
No, Earl,
we don't have time.
But there's tacos, Randy.
267
00:14:39,947 --> 00:14:42,049
You know how I feel
about tacos.
268
00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:46,386
It's the only food
shaped like a smile.
A beef smile. I'm goin'.
269
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:49,356
No, Earl. There won't be another
bus goin' to Catalina's village
until tomorrow,
270
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,591
so we have to
get on that one.
271
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:54,627
We can eat when we get there.
That's easy for you to say.
You got to eat on the plane.
272
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,069
[ Muffled ]
Put it down!
273
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:06,473
I'm sorry, Randy.
I gotta get somethin' to eat.
274
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,341
No, Earl,
I can't let you do that.
275
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:12,179
Um, I wasn't askin'
for your permission, Randy.
276
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:15,115
Um, I wasn't askin'
if you were askin', Earl.
277
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:18,718
We're not missin' that bus
just so you can get a taco.
You're right, Randy.
278
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:22,155
I'm gonna get two tacos
and maybe some of that freaky
white soda they got.
279
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:31,531
Uh, excuse-o,
por favor.
Ande.
280
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:34,367
Uh, is this
the end-o of the line?
[ Grunts ]
281
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,145
[ Both Grunting ]
282
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:50,250
** [ Man Singing In Spanish ]
283
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,319
[ Shouts ]
Let go, Randy!
284
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:57,090
Not until
you get on the bus!
[ Grunts ]
285
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,426
** [ Singing In Spanish
Continues ]
286
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:07,334
Quit dragging your feet, Earl.
This'll go a lot easier.
I want a taco!
287
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:10,337
[ Screams ]
You bit me!
288
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:13,040
Sorry, Randy.
It had to be done.
Fine! I give up.
289
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:16,409
You can have your stupid taco.
290
00:16:21,248 --> 00:16:23,216
When we get
to Catalina's village!
291
00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:26,419
Let go!
No!
292
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:30,257
You're splittin' me!
Then put me down!
293
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:33,126
No!
[ Grunts ]
294
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:37,597
Randy, I'm gettin' a taco!
295
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:41,668
[ Screams ]
Damn it, Randy!
Now I'm hungry and blind!
296
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:44,437
You're being such a baby!
You've been complainin'
the whole trip.
297
00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:47,540
"Waah, waah, waah.
I'm afraid to fly.
I don't like needles.
298
00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:50,243
I'm hungry and blind."
299
00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:53,146
Sorry, senor.
Ow!
300
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,382
You hungry, baby?
You want a bottle?
301
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,450
Here.
Have your bottle, baby.
302
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,519
Randy, stop it!
Randy, stop it!
[ Baby Crying ]
303
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,654
No. Have your bottle, baby.
Randy, I'm serious.
304
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:04,291
If you don't let go,
I'm gonna kill you, I swear!
Have your bottle, baby.
305
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,326
That's gross!
We're gettin' on the bus.
306
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,629
I want my taco!
Ow! Not the 'stache!
Not the 'stache!
307
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:11,564
Not the 'stache!
Not the 'stache!
Drive.
308
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:14,634
Don't drive!
Drive!
309
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:17,237
Why you bein' such a jerk?
You're the one
being the jerk.
310
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:20,240
You got Catalina deported,
311
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:23,243
and now you're about to let
some stupid taco cost me
the love of my life!
312
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,378
Here we go again.
The love of your life.
313
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:28,381
- Like you really have
a chance with her.
- [ Passengers ] Aww!
314
00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:34,254
[ Muttering In Spanish ]
315
00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:38,225
He started it.
316
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:56,443
I know the word on the bus
is I'm the jerk,
317
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:59,112
but there was a whole lot
of stuff that happened outside.
318
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:03,183
Is my mustache even?
'Cause that's somethin' he did.
He yanked on it.
319
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:05,084
No, thanks.
320
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:09,856
You know what?
Actually, I'm starvin'.
I think I will take a bite.
321
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:12,859
Thank you.
322
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:16,796
Mmm. Looks like a Slim Jim,
tastes like a doughnut.
323
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:20,133
That's brilliant.
Can't believe you guys
are so poor.
324
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,835
[ Speaking Spanish ]
325
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:34,414
[ Speaking Spanish ]
326
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,584
Oh, this is gonna be great.
My brother's freaked out
by birds.
327
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:42,255
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy's been terrified
of birds his whole life.
328
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:45,525
[ Clucking ]
Little ones, big ones.
329
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,794
Even those talkin' ones
people keep as pets.
330
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,862
Hey, Earl, did you see
what that stupid bird--
[ Screams ]
331
00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:54,734
You know how when you let go
of the end of a balloon,
332
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:57,270
and it goes
flyin' around the room
makin' a squealy noise?
333
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,906
Well, you're about to see
a grown man do the same thing.
334
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:02,242
[ Earl Narrating ]
So I sat back and waited...
335
00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:04,777
for the Randy balloon
to start flyin'.
336
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:12,519
[ Chicken Clucking ]
But it never did.
337
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:15,322
He was sittin' face to beak
with an upside down chicken,
338
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:18,391
and he didn't even flinch.
339
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:22,762
He was so focused on
gettin' back the woman he loved,
he wasn't scared of anything.
340
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:25,298
Not the bird, not the shots,
not the airplane,
341
00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:27,534
not even kickin' my ass.
342
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:30,903
That's when I realized,
if Randy's love for Catalina
was that strong,
343
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:33,240
he could make
anything possible.
344
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:36,943
So who was I to say
he didn't have a chance?
345
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,212
You know what?
He was right.
346
00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:41,714
I have been a baby
and a screwup.
347
00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:45,285
He's been the one that's
kept it together and figured out
how to get everything done.
348
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,455
[ Speaking Spanish ]
349
00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:51,991
Yeah, you're right.
Maybe that's why
I yelled at him.
350
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,661
I don't like bein' the one
who screws up.
351
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:59,432
[ Spanish ]
352
00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:01,868
Exactly.
353
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:06,539
I couldn't handle feelin'
like a loser, so I was tryin'
to make him feel like one.
354
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:09,276
You know what?
I gotta tell him I'm sorry.
355
00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,844
And from now on,
if he can be brave
and keep it together,
356
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,846
I can be brave
and keep it together.
357
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,748
Gracias.
358
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:18,551
[ Spanish ]
359
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:21,554
You, gringo, off the bus.
360
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:24,791
[ Earl Narrating ]
But my apology and bravery
would have to wait.
361
00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:27,360
Oh! Not the 'stache!
Not the 'stache!
Not the 'stache!
362
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,896
[ Earl Narrating ]
'Cause Randy was so focused on
gettin' back the woman he loved,
363
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:32,332
he also didn't notice
his brother gettin' kidnapped.
364
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,835
I would've yelled
"I'm sorry,"
365
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:39,406
but there's a time to apologize
and there's a time to keep
your mouth shut...
366
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:42,842
and hope that the two crazy
Latino dudes with guns
don't shoot you.
31256
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