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1
00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:04,305
My name is Earl.
2
00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:07,007
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was Christmastime.
A time of hope.
3
00:00:07,075 --> 00:00:11,379
And I was hopin' I had
enough bread to make
274 bologna sandwiches.
4
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:14,348
They were for the list,
number 146--
5
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:18,252
stole Gay Kenny's lunch
everyday in fifth
and sixth grade.
6
00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:22,022
Hey, one day I chewed up
Kenny's sandwich, spit it out,
and shoved it down his throat.
7
00:00:22,090 --> 00:00:25,459
You think I should count
that one? 'Cause technically,
he did eat it.
8
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,229
[ Earl Narrating ]
The holidays were a time
of hope for Randy too.
9
00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:30,264
He was finally gonna make
his move on Catalina.
10
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,400
I'm almost done
with my love poem.
11
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,568
What's somethin' that rhymes
with "cartilage?"
12
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:37,405
Or "Florida."
I can go either way.
13
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:39,373
[ Earl Narrating ]
From the first day he saw her,
14
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,775
Randy had a deep love
and respect for Catalina.
15
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:43,777
Dibs.
16
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:46,914
[ Earl Narrating ]
But he was too shy
to ever pursue it.
17
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:51,219
Then he dated that tiny cat
lady who liked him so much,
she picked him over her cat.
18
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:55,123
After that, he finally got
confident enough to show
his love to Catalina.
19
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:57,758
Cat lady. Catalina.
20
00:00:57,825 --> 00:01:00,461
We had discussed that
coincidence many times.
21
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:03,297
Are you sure you want
a love poem with the word
"cartilage" in it?
22
00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:05,999
Yeah. And the next word I use
can't be "heart-ilage,"
23
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,636
'cause I already
used that.
"Heart-ilage?"
24
00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:12,005
[ Earl Narrating ]
And for Joy, the holidays
were also a time of hope.
25
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:15,476
She was hopin' she could stay
out of jail for kidnappin'
and grand larceny.
26
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:20,981
And her deaf lawyer was hopin'
Joy could control her anger
in a courtroom situation.
27
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:23,117
Can you state your name?
28
00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:25,453
Yes.
It's Joy Farrah Turner.
29
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:28,656
Libra.
30
00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:31,559
- And you're a resident
of Camden?
- Yes.
31
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:35,596
Now, Miss Turner, you've been
a slut for how long now?
32
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:38,632
You son of a bitch!
I'm gonna break every damn bone
in your talkin' hands!
33
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:41,235
[ Screams ]
[ Earl Narrating ] And that's
why they were practicin'.
34
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:43,837
Joy always did have a problem
controllin' her anger.
35
00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:54,315
This is what
I'm talking about.
You can't do this in court!
36
00:01:57,551 --> 00:02:01,555
I'm sorry.
It's just that deaf accent
of yours gets me every time.
37
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,795
All right, I'm cool.
38
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,731
Shoot me another question.
I can hold myself back.
39
00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:17,238
[ Whimpering ] Kind of like
the elementary school held
your dopey kids back last year?
40
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:22,443
- My babies are off-limits!
- No, no, no, no, no!
Please don't!
41
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,378
[ Earl Narrating ]
While I brought sandwiches
to Kenny,
42
00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:27,848
Randy continued planning
his big night with Catalina.
43
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:30,651
The night I give her the poem
and tell her I love her,
44
00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:32,786
I'm gonna have the room
decorated with stuff
she likes.
45
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:35,889
Do you know what she likes?
I don't know.
46
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:38,226
A lot of girls
like rainbows.
47
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:41,595
Rainbow.
48
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,532
I'm gonna need a hose.
49
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:50,238
Oh. Oh, hi, Earl, Randy.
What's new?
50
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:53,374
[ Man ]
I can't take the crying anymore,
Kenny. You're a crybaby.
51
00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:56,610
And you're
an emotional terrorist,
that's what you are!
52
00:02:56,677 --> 00:03:00,514
Uh, I made you
274 sandwiches.
53
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:04,117
I'm sorry, Kenny.
We tried, but
it's not gonna work.
54
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,454
Then go!
Get out!
55
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,656
I hate you, I hate you,
I hate you!
56
00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:11,992
Uh, anyway, some of 'em
are on white bread...
57
00:03:12,059 --> 00:03:15,629
and some on whole wheat,
which I thought gay
people would enjoy.
58
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,299
I hope these don't
have mayo on them.
I'm on a diet.
59
00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:21,802
Since I'm apparently
dating again.
[ Crying ]
60
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,538
[ Earl Narrating ]
As much as I
didn't want to stay,
61
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,574
Kenny needed someone
to talk to.
62
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,609
[ Kenny ]
Ever since Brokeback Mountain,
63
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:32,145
all guys want anymore are tough,
strong, manly types.
64
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:35,516
- That movie totally
ruined gay life.
- Yeah, I hear ya.
65
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,651
What's he talkin' about?
66
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:43,691
What about people like me,
Earl? How am I gonna find
a man to love me?
67
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:47,528
Look, I, uh-- I don't know much
about gay stuff, Kenny.
68
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:51,699
The gayest thing I've ever done
is make all these sandwiches.
69
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:55,269
Hey, you think you could
teach me how to be like you?
70
00:03:55,336 --> 00:04:00,274
Everything about you is manly--
your clothes, your scent,
even your name, Earl.
71
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:03,176
Earl. Ear-r-r-rl!
72
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:06,280
Please stop that.
73
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:08,248
Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
74
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:12,820
You want me to teach you how
to be less gay so you can sleep
with more men?
75
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:15,122
Okay.
76
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:17,491
[ Laughs ]
Oh, thank you so much!
77
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:20,093
Oh! Oh, this is gonna
be oodles of fun.
78
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,364
Okay, rule number one.
Don't say "oodles" unless
it's followed by "noodles."
79
00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:25,499
That's right.
80
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:31,038
[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was tryin'
to help Kenny,
81
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:34,875
Joy's lawyer was tryin'
to help her by sendin' her
to an anger management class.
82
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,610
Each of you has a disease.
83
00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:38,712
[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately,
because of budget cuts,
84
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:41,615
anyone with a control problem
in Camden met in the same group.
85
00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,817
It wasn't effective,
but it was cheaper.
86
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:48,155
Whether it's
the disease of alcoholism
or out-of-control anger...
87
00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:52,993
or a sex addiction
or stealin' things
you don't need.
88
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:58,399
But why? Why must
I steal pens and only pens?
89
00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:00,901
I have thousands of them!
90
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:04,805
I don't want any more.
I am so ashamed!
91
00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:06,874
Oh, for God's sake,
would you suck it up?
92
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,977
Nobody gives a damn about
your stupid pen problem.
93
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:13,547
I'm sorry, but drinkin'
all the time, like Sheila
over there, is not a disease.
94
00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:16,817
What's on the back of her neck,
that's a damn disease.
95
00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:19,987
And wantin' sex
16 times a day just means
that whoever you're with...
96
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:22,523
ain't gettin' the job
done right the first time.
97
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:25,526
And please, havin'
300 pairs of fancy shoes...
98
00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:27,728
in your closet does
not mean Becky is sick.
99
00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:31,098
It means she's ugly,
and she just wants people
to stare at her feet.
100
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:36,003
No, Joy, a disease is something
you have no control over.
101
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:40,374
It's somethin' you can learn
to live with but cannot cure.
102
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:44,778
A disease is somethin'
that is not your fault.
103
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:48,248
I like that
"it's not my fault" part.
Keep goin'.
104
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:53,621
Well, you have what is known
as Pathological Impulse
Control Disorder.
105
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:57,090
Hot damn!
Does this mean I can get
crippled people parkin'?
106
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,226
[ Earl Narrating ]
Although it felt
a little strange,
107
00:05:59,292 --> 00:06:01,429
no one ever wanted to
be like me before.
108
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:04,297
So helpin' Kenny
was kinda fun.
109
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,968
Untuck your shirt.
Really?
110
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,472
I do 20 lunges
every morning to make sure
I have a good butt.
111
00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:15,609
Okay. Just seems
like a waste of lunges.
112
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:18,779
[ Earl Narrating ]
I took Kenny to the Crab Shack
to start his macho lessons.
113
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:21,815
Catalina came along
to wire some money home.
114
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:25,018
Big stack this week.
115
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:28,121
Yeah. Club Chubby
relaxed their no-touching
policy during the holidays.
116
00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:37,297
I can't stand
using this machine.
117
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:39,266
It's too much
damn responsibility.
118
00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:42,269
Last month,
I accidentally sent $600
to the Taliban.
119
00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:44,404
Well, don't mess this up.
120
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,306
If the money doesn't get
to my village each week,
121
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:48,776
the men who kidnapped
my brother will cut off
his finger.
122
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:52,012
He was born with 11,
but as a magician,
he uses them all.
123
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,750
Uh, don't cross your legs
like that.
124
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,288
And take the napkin off
from around your beer bottle.
125
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,957
Oh. You are such
a stern taskmaster.
126
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:08,762
No, don't say words
like "stern" and whatever
that other thing was.
127
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:16,504
Oh, it's okay.
I'm not stealin'.
128
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:22,309
I'm just findin' out things
about Catalina to help me with
the big night I'm planning.
129
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:25,045
She likes orange Tic Tacs,
130
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:27,047
keys...
131
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,083
and tampons.
132
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:31,685
Is there a pen in there?
133
00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:35,989
[ Earl Narrating ]
When I saw that Rosie the bookie
was operatin' at the bar today,
134
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,693
I decided to introduce Kenny
to the manly world
of dog race bettin'.
135
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,929
Pick a dog.
I don't have all day.
136
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:43,797
Ooh, Tiny Dancer.
137
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:46,466
That's an Elton John song,
lyrics by Bernie Taupin.
138
00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:49,870
Just put a bet down.
Be bold.
139
00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:53,006
Five dollars
on Tiny Dancer.
140
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:56,810
- Bolder.
- [ Deepens Voice ]
Five dollars on Tiny Dancer.
141
00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:02,683
[ Earl Narrating ]
Tiny Dancer had a good day,
and so did me and Kenny.
142
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:12,025
We bet the next race,
and won that one too.
143
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:14,027
Yeah!
144
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,264
Yeah!
145
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,935
[ Earl Narrating ]
And four more after that.
Yeah, Tito!
146
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:28,475
That's when I realized this
was the first time I'd really
gambled since I made the list.
147
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:31,311
Maybe karma was lookin'
over my shoulder.
148
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:34,882
That weekend, I took
my winnings and bought myself
a Christmas present--
149
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,884
new tires for the El Camino.
150
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:41,789
And since changin' tires was
a manly activity, I figured
I'd get Kenny to do it.
151
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,024
I believe that's called
"multitasking."
152
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:46,293
After Kenny changes your tires,
can we go to the store...
153
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:49,362
so I can get
a special shirt to wear
when I ask Catalina out?
154
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:53,233
I found out she likes dogs, so
if they have anything made out
of dog skin, that might be cool.
155
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,669
Maybe later. I need
to get to the Crab Shack...
156
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:58,005
and put a few bets down
while I'm still on a roll.
157
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,207
I also need bubble wrap.
She likes the sound it makes...
158
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:02,710
when it pops 'cause it reminds
her of her childhood.
159
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:06,079
You know,
'cause of all the shootin'.
160
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:12,052
Hey, tough guy.
Want to learn how
to change a tire?
161
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:15,188
Oh. Uh, sure.
Uh, I was just finishing
my coffee.
162
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,825
Uh--
163
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,760
Well, where's
all your stuff?
164
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:23,530
Oh, I, uh-- I sent it
all out to be cleaned.
You know, for the holidays.
165
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:26,466
Really?
Why didn't you have someone
come here to clean it?
166
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,368
Well, because, uh--
167
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:31,772
because I'm lying.
[ Crying ]
168
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:35,743
Ever since you introduced me
to gambling, I can't stop.
169
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,979
I've been betting the horses
online every day.
I didn't think I could lose.
170
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:42,716
I kept betting on horses
named after Elton John songs.
171
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:46,754
Damn Candle in the Wind.
Cost me my velveteen settee!
172
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:49,890
[ Screams, Grunts ]
173
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,860
Hold on, buddy.
Let's look at the bright side.
174
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,362
At least you're startin'
to show some manly rage.
175
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:58,932
[ Crying ]
176
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,703
And now you're cryin'.
177
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:12,079
Ricola!
178
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,552
[ Earl Narrating ]
After losin' all
his furniture, dishes,
179
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,722
and somethin'
he called window treatments,
180
00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:23,857
Kenny thought he might
have a gamblin' problem.
181
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:27,160
And in Camden, there was only
one place for him to go.
182
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:32,399
So in a sense,
gambling was a way to numb
your childhood pain.
183
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:36,136
It did hurt when the kids
renamed that playground game
"Smear the Kenny."
184
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,806
I told you I had that
on my list, Kenny.
I'm gonna get to it.
185
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:41,775
Earl, would you like to share
anything today?
186
00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:44,377
No, I'm just here 'cause Kenny
was nervous about comin'.
187
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:47,614
-I'm just makin' my picks
for the day.
-Earl introduced me to gambling.
188
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,382
He's super good at it.
189
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:52,652
I'll go again. Yesterday
I punched a school bus.
190
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,388
Joy, we're talkin'
to Earl now.
191
00:10:57,224 --> 00:11:00,728
So, Earl, do you do a lot
of gamblin' too?
Well, lately, yeah.
192
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,696
As much as I can.
I'm on a roll.
193
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:07,234
In fact, I'm startin' to feel
buggy sittin' here knowin'
I might miss the first race.
194
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:10,437
Earl.
195
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:14,274
Maybe you need to ask yourself
if you have a gambling problem.
196
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:20,914
Hmm. Nope, I don't have
a gambling problem.
197
00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:22,950
I'm winning, and winning
is not a problem.
198
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,618
That's like
saying Michael Jordan
has a basketball problem,
199
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,155
or Def Leppard has
an awesomeness problem.
200
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:31,691
So why don't y'all just
pour some sugar on that?
201
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,228
Oh, I just thought of
somethin' else I punched.
202
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,931
It was a Santa Claus
beggin' for money.
203
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:43,003
I went to the bank today.
204
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:45,906
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was mad about bein' accused
of havin' a gambling problem.
205
00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:50,210
But spending the next
eight hours at the Crab Shack
made me feel better.
206
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:53,914
That's it.
I'm outta cash.
207
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:57,050
Oh, don't leave, Rosie.
208
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:03,590
Hey, Crabman, you want
to pick a number again
and I'll try to guess it?
209
00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:06,226
No, no way.
I lost too much money playin'
that game yesterday.
210
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:11,198
Sixteen.
Whoa. You're like
a X-Man or somethin'.
211
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:24,177
If you're lookin'
for some action,
I got a little thing I do.
212
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:27,380
Around 2:00 a.m. tonight,
down in East Camden.
213
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:31,251
You know that alley
where them two fellas
got stabbed last month?
214
00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:34,754
Right next to that Dumpster
where them wild dogs
ate that bum's arm.
215
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:37,090
Yeah.
216
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:41,528
There's a door,
and it says, "Danger.
Do Not Enter."
217
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,463
That's where you enter.
218
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:46,733
But there's
gonna be gamblin'?
Oh, yeah.
219
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,936
I'll be there.
220
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:53,240
[ Man ]
* One, two, three, five *
221
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:57,310
[ People Shouting,
Chattering ]
222
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:06,820
* I'm gonna tell you about
the chicken drop *
223
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,156
* Now, what is
a chicken drop *
224
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,491
* We're gonna have a ball
Wednesday night *
225
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,560
Whoa.
226
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:16,663
Wait, so we just bet on
where the chicken poops?
That's right.
227
00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:18,731
I'm in.
228
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:22,135
Here. Forty dollars
on square number five.
229
00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:26,773
This is fantastic.
Yeah.
230
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,977
Chicken gotta poop,
people gotta bet.
Worked out real nice.
231
00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:34,547
Right there! Right there!
Yeah, buddy! Go, go, go!
232
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:36,649
[ Earl Narrating ]
When the chicken drop stopped,
233
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:40,320
I got the number of a place
overseas that takes bets
24 hours a day.
234
00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:43,190
I stayed up all night
bettin' on all kinds of things.
235
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:45,158
Earl.
Shh! I'm lookin'
for the news.
236
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,827
Early returns are comin' in
on the election in the Congo.
237
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:50,097
I put a thousand
on Moombata over Adabbu.
238
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,632
Moombata's a cannibal,
but he went to Harvard.
239
00:13:52,699 --> 00:13:55,402
Earl, could you sit
on the bed?
I'm layin' bubble wrap.
240
00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:57,971
Now?
Yeah.
241
00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,907
Today's the day
I tell Catalina I love her.
242
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:02,175
I got a ton
of decoratin' to do.
243
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:06,146
Do you think you could help me
build a piñata shaped like
some actress named Salma Hayek?
244
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:10,117
Catalina doesn't like this
Salma woman. She's always wanted
to hit her with a stick.
245
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,119
Shh! Randy,
just hold on a second.
246
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:17,324
And in international news,
it looks like Moombata
will win in a landslide.
247
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:21,294
Moombata! New day
for Central Africa! Whoo!
248
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:25,132
I knew it was a mistake
for Adabbu to go negative.
249
00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:32,973
[ Narrating ] Since Randy wanted
Catalina out of the motel while
he set up for his big night,
250
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,908
I took her over
to watch the chickens crap.
251
00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:36,944
Come on!
Relax and let it go!
252
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:39,746
Come on!
253
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,814
Let it go! Come on!
Come on!
254
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,517
Kenny, what are
you doin' here?
255
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:47,454
Oh, I got the jones, Earl.
I needed some action.
256
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:48,989
I guess I'm just weak.
257
00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:52,059
No, what was weak was sittin'
in that room talkin'
about your feelings.
258
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:55,662
Remember, real men keep
their emotions bottled up
until they explode,
259
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,631
and then they punch somethin'
that has nothin' to do
with what they're mad at.
260
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:02,235
I would so date that.
Now let's win
your furniture back.
261
00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:07,240
[ All Shouting, Chattering ]
262
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:09,609
Oh, yeah,
this one's a winner!
See how he's movin' his head?
263
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:12,279
That's the poopie dance.
Yeah, buddy! Come on!
264
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:15,682
Earl, you said we could leave
an hour ago. My shift at Club
Chubby starts in 20 minutes,
265
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,151
and if I'm late,
Fat Susan will go up first
and sweat up the pole.
266
00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:21,955
Wait, hold on! He's goin'
for the corner! We got 'em
all covered. Come on, buddy!
267
00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:25,425
Earl, I'm not gonna have time
to go to the Crab Shack
so I can wire money home.
268
00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:28,361
Here, just take my car.
I'll go by the Crab Shack
and wire your money.
269
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:31,064
Okay. Just make sure
that money gets
to my village by noon.
270
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,967
The thought of my brother's
finger being chewed off
by a weasel is too much.
271
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:37,037
That's how they do it.
They starve the weasel, then dip
the finger in peanut butter.
272
00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:41,874
Okay, noon. Got it.
Come on, man! Pick it up!
273
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,244
[ Squeals ]
Hey, buddy!
274
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:47,947
- Number nine!
- You can't lose, Earl.
275
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:51,518
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was a beautiful day.
We were even gettin' comped.
276
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,820
Oh!
[ Chuckling ]
277
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:58,791
And just when we thought things
couldn't get any better,
we saw it-- Mr. Pitts.
278
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:03,096
That was the name
of our fifth grade teacher.
It wasn't his real name.
279
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:06,733
We just called him that
'cause he could sweat through
two shirts and a blazer.
280
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,501
Mr. Pitts.
It's a sign.
281
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,904
I know, Kenny.
Square five for fifth grade.
282
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,741
We gotta go in
with everything we got.
I'm with ya', man.
283
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,944
[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew this was my chance to
finally make a really big score.
284
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:21,314
The only problem was,
I didn't have enough money
to do it up right.
285
00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:27,087
Earl, what are you doing?
You're not thinking of betting
Catalina's money, are you?
286
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,222
Why not?
Hell, she'd want me to.
287
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:32,059
I'll win 10 times as much,
and can pay her back double.
288
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,761
I don't know, man. What if
you lose? You won't be able
to wire the money,
289
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:38,265
and Catalina's brother
will have his finger
chewed off by a weasel,
290
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,300
and she will hate
you forever.
291
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:43,370
And what's worse,
you'll hate yourself.
292
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,372
[ Earl Narrating ]
When Kenny said
those things to me,
293
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:48,275
it made me look deep
into my heart,
and I realized somethin'--
294
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,477
somethin' kinda painful.
295
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:52,412
Kenny's a loser.
296
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:55,715
I'm bettin' it all.
You gotta stop thinkin'
negative.
297
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:02,322
So there's nothin'
I can do about it.
I have an anger disease.
298
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,357
Kinda like how you have
a can't-hear-anything disease,
299
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:08,027
and you have a
get-your-ass-kicked-by-a-girl
disease.
300
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:14,901
She says... a bunch of stuff.
Look, have you tried drugs?
301
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:18,004
Long time ago.
But just pot.
302
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,307
And hash.
And quaaludes.
303
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:23,476
And once I dated this
Indian guy, and I chewed on
a horse's adrenal gland.
304
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,478
But how's this gonna help me
in court?
305
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,215
No, I mean prescription drugs
for your anger.
306
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,917
They have certainly
done a lot for me.
307
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:34,421
You have anger issues?
A mousy little dude
like you?
308
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,825
It is not easy getting
paid minimum wage...
309
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,994
to say whatever stupid thing
some deaf woman tells you to.
310
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,797
Plus, I hate it
when she flirts with guys.
311
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:54,941
I'm not wearing
any panties today.
312
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,644
Damn.
She makes you do that?
313
00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:00,413
How do you not
just kick her ass?
I take medication.
314
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,717
"Calmuvent."
Smooths everything out.
315
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:09,389
She wants to know
what we're talking about.
316
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:12,559
You don't have to be part
of every conversation!
317
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,729
Must be noon.
Time to take my meds.
318
00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,832
[ Shouting,
Chattering Continues ]
319
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:22,869
Earl Hickey.
Telephone call for you.
Take down the message.
320
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,437
What?
Take a message?
321
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:27,707
If you was in Atlantic City,
would you ask Donald Trump
to take a message for ya?
322
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:30,610
I'll get it.
Come on, Mr. Pitts!
Right there, buddy!
323
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:34,547
- Hello.
- Kenny, it's Randy. There's
a problem with Catalina.
324
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,550
- What? Is she okay?
- Come on, Mr. Pitts!
Don't be a tease.
325
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,919
If you're gonna squat like that,
do somethin'!
326
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,855
That was Randy. Catalina's
in trouble. We have to--
One more minute.
327
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,592
Earl, there's a problem
with Catalina.
Hang on!
328
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,994
Bear down, buddy!
You're in the zone!
She got pulled over by the cops.
329
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:52,499
Quiet, Kenny!
You're gonna "moosh" my bet!
Five, five, five!
330
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:58,137
Catalina was speeding.
The cops stopped her
and took her away.
331
00:18:58,205 --> 00:19:00,940
She could get deported.
332
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:04,644
[ Earl Narrating ] Kenny told me
that Catalina was speedin'
'cause she was late for work...
333
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:07,947
when the police pulled
her over and saw her license
and quickly realized...
334
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:12,952
her name wasn't "Jane Driver"
and she didn't live
in "Go Kart Country."
335
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,888
So she tried
to make a run for it.
336
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:20,260
Unfortunately, she had already
put on her stripper shoes.
337
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:26,233
You pigs!
Oink, oink, oink!
Let go of me! Let go!
338
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,403
Number five!
You win again.
339
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:33,540
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was my fault Catalina
got arrested.
340
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:36,243
She was late for work
'cause I wouldn't leave.
341
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:38,578
I did have
a gambling addiction.
342
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:40,647
And even though
it hadn't cost me a dime,
343
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:43,182
it cost me somethin'
a whole lot more important
than money.
344
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:46,786
* I saw her today
at the reception *
[ Bubble Wrap Popping ]
345
00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:52,892
* A glass of wine
in her hand *
346
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:58,398
* I knew she was gonna meet
her connection *
347
00:19:58,465 --> 00:20:01,167
Don't worry, Randy.
We'll get her back.
348
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:06,273
It's too late, Earl.
They took her to Immigration.
They're gonna deport her.
349
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:12,679
[ Narrating ] But even when it
doesn't seem like it, Christmas
is still a time of hope.
350
00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:16,416
* You can't always get
what you want *
351
00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:19,118
Kenny was hopin' to get
his life back on track.
352
00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:23,055
He finally realized
the way to become a real man
wasn't by followin' me around.
353
00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:26,859
It was by facin' his problems
and, well, gettin' help.
354
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:29,929
* You might find
You get what you need *
355
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:33,500
And Joy was hopin'
she'd finally found a cure
for her anger disease.
356
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,802
So you can take that with
your birth control pill?
357
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:38,871
I don't take
birth control pills.
What?
358
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:45,211
Randy was hopin' he'd get
the chance to tell Catalina
how he felt about her.
359
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:48,315
And I was hopin' I'd be able
to fix all the problems
I'd caused,
360
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:51,384
and we'd all be back
together again.
361
00:20:51,451 --> 00:20:55,588
So a few days later,
we found out where Catalina was,
362
00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:58,758
and headed off
to bring her back.
30983
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