All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S02E09.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was Christmastime.
A time of hope.

And I was hopin' I had
enough bread to make
274 bologna sandwiches.

They were for the list,
number 146--

stole Gay Kenny's lunch
everyday in fifth
and sixth grade.

Hey, one day I chewed up
Kenny's sandwich, spit it out,
and shoved it down his throat.

You think I should count
that one? 'Cause technically,
he did eat it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The holidays were a time
of hope for Randy too.

He was finally gonna make
his move on Catalina.

I'm almost done
with my love poem.

What's somethin' that rhymes
with "cartilage?"

Or "Florida."
I can go either way.

[ Earl Narrating ]
From the first day he saw her,

Randy had a deep love
and respect for Catalina.

Dibs.

[ Earl Narrating ]
But he was too shy
to ever pursue it.

Then he dated that tiny cat
lady who liked him so much,
she picked him over her cat.

After that, he finally got
confident enough to show
his love to Catalina.

Cat lady. Catalina.

We had discussed that
coincidence many times.

Are you sure you want
a love poem with the word
"cartilage" in it?

Yeah. And the next word I use
can't be "heart-ilage,"

'cause I already
used that.
"Heart-ilage?"

[ Earl Narrating ]
And for Joy, the holidays
were also a time of hope.

She was hopin' she could stay
out of jail for kidnappin'
and grand larceny.

And her deaf lawyer was hopin'
Joy could control her anger
in a courtroom situation.

Can you state your name?

Yes.
It's Joy Farrah Turner.

Libra.

- And you're a resident
of Camden?
- Yes.

Now, Miss Turner, you've been
a slut for how long now?

You son of a bitch!
I'm gonna break every damn bone
in your talkin' hands!

[ Screams ]
[ Earl Narrating ] And that's
why they were practicin'.

Joy always did have a problem
controllin' her anger.

This is what
I'm talking about.
You can't do this in court!

I'm sorry.
It's just that deaf accent
of yours gets me every time.

All right, I'm cool.

Shoot me another question.
I can hold myself back.

[ Whimpering ] Kind of like
the elementary school held
your dopey kids back last year?

- My babies are off-limits!
- No, no, no, no, no!
Please don't!

[ Earl Narrating ]
While I brought sandwiches
to Kenny,

Randy continued planning
his big night with Catalina.

The night I give her the poem
and tell her I love her,

I'm gonna have the room
decorated with stuff
she likes.

Do you know what she likes?
I don't know.

A lot of girls
like rainbows.

Rainbow.

I'm gonna need a hose.

Oh. Oh, hi, Earl, Randy.
What's new?

[ Man ]
I can't take the crying anymore,
Kenny. You're a crybaby.

And you're
an emotional terrorist,
that's what you are!

Uh, I made you
274 sandwiches.

I'm sorry, Kenny.
We tried, but
it's not gonna work.

Then go!
Get out!

I hate you, I hate you,
I hate you!

Uh, anyway, some of 'em
are on white bread...

and some on whole wheat,
which I thought gay
people would enjoy.

I hope these don't
have mayo on them.
I'm on a diet.

Since I'm apparently
dating again.
[ Crying ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
As much as I
didn't want to stay,

Kenny needed someone
to talk to.

[ Kenny ]
Ever since Brokeback Mountain,

all guys want anymore are tough,
strong, manly types.

- That movie totally
ruined gay life.
- Yeah, I hear ya.

What's he talkin' about?

What about people like me,
Earl? How am I gonna find
a man to love me?

Look, I, uh-- I don't know much
about gay stuff, Kenny.

The gayest thing I've ever done
is make all these sandwiches.

Hey, you think you could
teach me how to be like you?

Everything about you is manly--
your clothes, your scent,
even your name, Earl.

Earl. Ear-r-r-rl!

Please stop that.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

You want me to teach you how
to be less gay so you can sleep
with more men?

Okay.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, thank you so much!

Oh! Oh, this is gonna
be oodles of fun.

Okay, rule number one.
Don't say "oodles" unless
it's followed by "noodles."

That's right.

[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was tryin'
to help Kenny,

Joy's lawyer was tryin'
to help her by sendin' her
to an anger management class.

Each of you has a disease.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately,
because of budget cuts,

anyone with a control problem
in Camden met in the same group.

It wasn't effective,
but it was cheaper.

Whether it's
the disease of alcoholism
or out-of-control anger...

or a sex addiction
or stealin' things
you don't need.

But why? Why must
I steal pens and only pens?

I have thousands of them!

I don't want any more.
I am so ashamed!

Oh, for God's sake,
would you suck it up?

Nobody gives a damn about
your stupid pen problem.

I'm sorry, but drinkin'
all the time, like Sheila
over there, is not a disease.

What's on the back of her neck,
that's a damn disease.

And wantin' sex
16 times a day just means
that whoever you're with...

ain't gettin' the job
done right the first time.

And please, havin'
300 pairs of fancy shoes...

in your closet does
not mean Becky is sick.

It means she's ugly,
and she just wants people
to stare at her feet.

No, Joy, a disease is something
you have no control over.

It's somethin' you can learn
to live with but cannot cure.

A disease is somethin'
that is not your fault.

I like that
"it's not my fault" part.
Keep goin'.

Well, you have what is known
as Pathological Impulse
Control Disorder.

Hot damn!
Does this mean I can get
crippled people parkin'?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Although it felt
a little strange,

no one ever wanted to
be like me before.

So helpin' Kenny
was kinda fun.

Untuck your shirt.
Really?

I do 20 lunges
every morning to make sure
I have a good butt.

Okay. Just seems
like a waste of lunges.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I took Kenny to the Crab Shack
to start his macho lessons.

Catalina came along
to wire some money home.

Big stack this week.

Yeah. Club Chubby
relaxed their no-touching
policy during the holidays.

I can't stand
using this machine.

It's too much
damn responsibility.

Last month,
I accidentally sent $600
to the Taliban.

Well, don't mess this up.

If the money doesn't get
to my village each week,

the men who kidnapped
my brother will cut off
his finger.

He was born with 11,
but as a magician,
he uses them all.

Uh, don't cross your legs
like that.

And take the napkin off
from around your beer bottle.

Oh. You are such
a stern taskmaster.

No, don't say words
like "stern" and whatever
that other thing was.

Oh, it's okay.
I'm not stealin'.

I'm just findin' out things
about Catalina to help me with
the big night I'm planning.

She likes orange Tic Tacs,

keys...

and tampons.

Is there a pen in there?

[ Earl Narrating ]
When I saw that Rosie the bookie
was operatin' at the bar today,

I decided to introduce Kenny
to the manly world
of dog race bettin'.

Pick a dog.
I don't have all day.

Ooh, Tiny Dancer.

That's an Elton John song,
lyrics by Bernie Taupin.

Just put a bet down.
Be bold.

Five dollars
on Tiny Dancer.

- Bolder.
- [ Deepens Voice ]
Five dollars on Tiny Dancer.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Tiny Dancer had a good day,
and so did me and Kenny.

We bet the next race,
and won that one too.

Yeah!

Yeah!

[ Earl Narrating ]
And four more after that.
Yeah, Tito!

That's when I realized this
was the first time I'd really
gambled since I made the list.

Maybe karma was lookin'
over my shoulder.

That weekend, I took
my winnings and bought myself
a Christmas present--

new tires for the El Camino.

And since changin' tires was
a manly activity, I figured
I'd get Kenny to do it.

I believe that's called
"multitasking."

After Kenny changes your tires,
can we go to the store...

so I can get
a special shirt to wear
when I ask Catalina out?

I found out she likes dogs, so
if they have anything made out
of dog skin, that might be cool.

Maybe later. I need
to get to the Crab Shack...

and put a few bets down
while I'm still on a roll.

I also need bubble wrap.
She likes the sound it makes...

when it pops 'cause it reminds
her of her childhood.

You know,
'cause of all the shootin'.

Hey, tough guy.
Want to learn how
to change a tire?

Oh. Uh, sure.
Uh, I was just finishing
my coffee.

Uh--

Well, where's
all your stuff?

Oh, I, uh-- I sent it
all out to be cleaned.
You know, for the holidays.

Really?
Why didn't you have someone
come here to clean it?

Well, because, uh--

because I'm lying.
[ Crying ]

Ever since you introduced me
to gambling, I can't stop.

I've been betting the horses
online every day.
I didn't think I could lose.

I kept betting on horses
named after Elton John songs.

Damn Candle in the Wind.
Cost me my velveteen settee!

[ Screams, Grunts ]

Hold on, buddy.
Let's look at the bright side.

At least you're startin'
to show some manly rage.

[ Crying ]

And now you're cryin'.

Ricola!

[ Earl Narrating ]
After losin' all
his furniture, dishes,

and somethin'
he called window treatments,

Kenny thought he might
have a gamblin' problem.

And in Camden, there was only
one place for him to go.

So in a sense,
gambling was a way to numb
your childhood pain.

It did hurt when the kids
renamed that playground game
"Smear the Kenny."

I told you I had that
on my list, Kenny.
I'm gonna get to it.

Earl, would you like to share
anything today?

No, I'm just here 'cause Kenny
was nervous about comin'.

-I'm just makin' my picks
for the day.
-Earl introduced me to gambling.

He's super good at it.

I'll go again. Yesterday
I punched a school bus.

Joy, we're talkin'
to Earl now.

So, Earl, do you do a lot
of gamblin' too?
Well, lately, yeah.

As much as I can.
I'm on a roll.

In fact, I'm startin' to feel
buggy sittin' here knowin'
I might miss the first race.

Earl.

Maybe you need to ask yourself
if you have a gambling problem.

Hmm. Nope, I don't have
a gambling problem.

I'm winning, and winning
is not a problem.

That's like
saying Michael Jordan
has a basketball problem,

or Def Leppard has
an awesomeness problem.

So why don't y'all just
pour some sugar on that?

Oh, I just thought of
somethin' else I punched.

It was a Santa Claus
beggin' for money.

I went to the bank today.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was mad about bein' accused
of havin' a gambling problem.

But spending the next
eight hours at the Crab Shack
made me feel better.

That's it.
I'm outta cash.

Oh, don't leave, Rosie.

Hey, Crabman, you want
to pick a number again
and I'll try to guess it?

No, no way.
I lost too much money playin'
that game yesterday.

Sixteen.
Whoa. You're like
a X-Man or somethin'.

If you're lookin'
for some action,
I got a little thing I do.

Around 2:00 a.m. tonight,
down in East Camden.

You know that alley
where them two fellas
got stabbed last month?

Right next to that Dumpster
where them wild dogs
ate that bum's arm.

Yeah.

There's a door,
and it says, "Danger.
Do Not Enter."

That's where you enter.

But there's
gonna be gamblin'?
Oh, yeah.

I'll be there.

[ Man ]
* One, two, three, five *

[ People Shouting,
Chattering ]

* I'm gonna tell you about
the chicken drop *

* Now, what is
a chicken drop *

* We're gonna have a ball
Wednesday night *

Whoa.

Wait, so we just bet on
where the chicken poops?
That's right.

I'm in.

Here. Forty dollars
on square number five.

This is fantastic.
Yeah.

Chicken gotta poop,
people gotta bet.
Worked out real nice.

Right there! Right there!
Yeah, buddy! Go, go, go!

[ Earl Narrating ]
When the chicken drop stopped,

I got the number of a place
overseas that takes bets
24 hours a day.

I stayed up all night
bettin' on all kinds of things.

Earl.
Shh! I'm lookin'
for the news.

Early returns are comin' in
on the election in the Congo.

I put a thousand
on Moombata over Adabbu.

Moombata's a cannibal,
but he went to Harvard.

Earl, could you sit
on the bed?
I'm layin' bubble wrap.

Now?
Yeah.

Today's the day
I tell Catalina I love her.

I got a ton
of decoratin' to do.

Do you think you could help me
build a piñata shaped like
some actress named Salma Hayek?

Catalina doesn't like this
Salma woman. She's always wanted
to hit her with a stick.

Shh! Randy,
just hold on a second.

And in international news,
it looks like Moombata
will win in a landslide.

Moombata! New day
for Central Africa! Whoo!

I knew it was a mistake
for Adabbu to go negative.

[ Narrating ] Since Randy wanted
Catalina out of the motel while
he set up for his big night,

I took her over
to watch the chickens crap.

Come on!
Relax and let it go!

Come on!

Let it go! Come on!
Come on!

Kenny, what are
you doin' here?

Oh, I got the jones, Earl.
I needed some action.

I guess I'm just weak.

No, what was weak was sittin'
in that room talkin'
about your feelings.

Remember, real men keep
their emotions bottled up
until they explode,

and then they punch somethin'
that has nothin' to do
with what they're mad at.

I would so date that.
Now let's win
your furniture back.

[ All Shouting, Chattering ]

Oh, yeah,
this one's a winner!
See how he's movin' his head?

That's the poopie dance.
Yeah, buddy! Come on!

Earl, you said we could leave
an hour ago. My shift at Club
Chubby starts in 20 minutes,

and if I'm late,
Fat Susan will go up first
and sweat up the pole.

Wait, hold on! He's goin'
for the corner! We got 'em
all covered. Come on, buddy!

Earl, I'm not gonna have time
to go to the Crab Shack
so I can wire money home.

Here, just take my car.
I'll go by the Crab Shack
and wire your money.

Okay. Just make sure
that money gets
to my village by noon.

The thought of my brother's
finger being chewed off
by a weasel is too much.

That's how they do it.
They starve the weasel, then dip
the finger in peanut butter.

Okay, noon. Got it.
Come on, man! Pick it up!

[ Squeals ]
Hey, buddy!

- Number nine!
- You can't lose, Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was a beautiful day.
We were even gettin' comped.

Oh!
[ Chuckling ]

And just when we thought things
couldn't get any better,
we saw it-- Mr. Pitts.

That was the name
of our fifth grade teacher.
It wasn't his real name.

We just called him that
'cause he could sweat through
two shirts and a blazer.

Mr. Pitts.
It's a sign.

I know, Kenny.
Square five for fifth grade.

We gotta go in
with everything we got.
I'm with ya', man.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew this was my chance to
finally make a really big score.

The only problem was,
I didn't have enough money
to do it up right.

Earl, what are you doing?
You're not thinking of betting
Catalina's money, are you?

Why not?
Hell, she'd want me to.

I'll win 10 times as much,
and can pay her back double.

I don't know, man. What if
you lose? You won't be able
to wire the money,

and Catalina's brother
will have his finger
chewed off by a weasel,

and she will hate
you forever.

And what's worse,
you'll hate yourself.

[ Earl Narrating ]
When Kenny said
those things to me,

it made me look deep
into my heart,
and I realized somethin'--

somethin' kinda painful.

Kenny's a loser.

I'm bettin' it all.
You gotta stop thinkin'
negative.

So there's nothin'
I can do about it.
I have an anger disease.

Kinda like how you have
a can't-hear-anything disease,

and you have a
get-your-ass-kicked-by-a-girl
disease.

She says... a bunch of stuff.
Look, have you tried drugs?

Long time ago.
But just pot.

And hash.
And quaaludes.

And once I dated this
Indian guy, and I chewed on
a horse's adrenal gland.

But how's this gonna help me
in court?

No, I mean prescription drugs
for your anger.

They have certainly
done a lot for me.

You have anger issues?
A mousy little dude
like you?

It is not easy getting
paid minimum wage...

to say whatever stupid thing
some deaf woman tells you to.

Plus, I hate it
when she flirts with guys.

I'm not wearing
any panties today.

Damn.
She makes you do that?

How do you not
just kick her ass?
I take medication.

"Calmuvent."
Smooths everything out.

She wants to know
what we're talking about.

You don't have to be part
of every conversation!

Must be noon.
Time to take my meds.

[ Shouting,
Chattering Continues ]

Earl Hickey.
Telephone call for you.
Take down the message.

What?
Take a message?

If you was in Atlantic City,
would you ask Donald Trump
to take a message for ya?

I'll get it.
Come on, Mr. Pitts!
Right there, buddy!

- Hello.
- Kenny, it's Randy. There's
a problem with Catalina.

- What? Is she okay?
- Come on, Mr. Pitts!
Don't be a tease.

If you're gonna squat like that,
do somethin'!

That was Randy. Catalina's
in trouble. We have to--
One more minute.

Earl, there's a problem
with Catalina.
Hang on!

Bear down, buddy!
You're in the zone!
She got pulled over by the cops.

Quiet, Kenny!
You're gonna "moosh" my bet!
Five, five, five!

Catalina was speeding.
The cops stopped her
and took her away.

She could get deported.

[ Earl Narrating ] Kenny told me
that Catalina was speedin'
'cause she was late for work...

when the police pulled
her over and saw her license
and quickly realized...

her name wasn't "Jane Driver"
and she didn't live
in "Go Kart Country."

So she tried
to make a run for it.

Unfortunately, she had already
put on her stripper shoes.

You pigs!
Oink, oink, oink!
Let go of me! Let go!

Number five!
You win again.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was my fault Catalina
got arrested.

She was late for work
'cause I wouldn't leave.

I did have
a gambling addiction.

And even though
it hadn't cost me a dime,

it cost me somethin'
a whole lot more important
than money.

* I saw her today
at the reception *
[ Bubble Wrap Popping ]

* A glass of wine
in her hand *

* I knew she was gonna meet
her connection *

Don't worry, Randy.
We'll get her back.

It's too late, Earl.
They took her to Immigration.
They're gonna deport her.

[ Narrating ] But even when it
doesn't seem like it, Christmas
is still a time of hope.

* You can't always get
what you want *

Kenny was hopin' to get
his life back on track.

He finally realized
the way to become a real man
wasn't by followin' me around.

It was by facin' his problems
and, well, gettin' help.

* You might find
You get what you need *

And Joy was hopin'
she'd finally found a cure
for her anger disease.

So you can take that with
your birth control pill?

I don't take
birth control pills.
What?

Randy was hopin' he'd get
the chance to tell Catalina
how he felt about her.

And I was hopin' I'd be able
to fix all the problems
I'd caused,

and we'd all be back
together again.

So a few days later,
we found out where Catalina was,

and headed off
to bring her back.