Original subtitles

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] It was Christmastime. A time of hope.

And I was hopin' I had enough bread to make 274 bologna sandwiches.

They were for the list, number 146--

stole Gay Kenny's lunch everyday in fifth and sixth grade.

Hey, one day I chewed up Kenny's sandwich, spit it out, and shoved it down his throat.

You think I should count that one? 'Cause technically, he did eat it.

[ Earl Narrating ] The holidays were a time of hope for Randy too.

He was finally gonna make his move on Catalina.

I'm almost done with my love poem.

What's somethin' that rhymes with "cartilage?"

Or "Florida." I can go either way.

[ Earl Narrating ] From the first day he saw her,

Randy had a deep love and respect for Catalina.

Dibs.

[ Earl Narrating ] But he was too shy to ever pursue it.

Then he dated that tiny cat lady who liked him so much, she picked him over her cat.

After that, he finally got confident enough to show his love to Catalina.

Cat lady. Catalina.

We had discussed that coincidence many times.

Are you sure you want a love poem with the word "cartilage" in it?

Yeah. And the next word I use can't be "heart-ilage,"

'cause I already used that. "Heart-ilage?"

[ Earl Narrating ] And for Joy, the holidays were also a time of hope.

She was hopin' she could stay out of jail for kidnappin' and grand larceny.

And her deaf lawyer was hopin' Joy could control her anger in a courtroom situation.

Can you state your name?

Yes. It's Joy Farrah Turner.

Libra.

- And you're a resident of Camden? - Yes.

Now, Miss Turner, you've been a slut for how long now?

You son of a bitch! I'm gonna break every damn bone in your talkin' hands!

[ Screams ] [ Earl Narrating ] And that's why they were practicin'.

Joy always did have a problem controllin' her anger.

This is what I'm talking about. You can't do this in court!

I'm sorry. It's just that deaf accent of yours gets me every time.

All right, I'm cool.

Shoot me another question. I can hold myself back.

[ Whimpering ] Kind of like the elementary school held your dopey kids back last year?

- My babies are off-limits! - No, no, no, no, no! Please don't!

[ Earl Narrating ] While I brought sandwiches to Kenny,

Randy continued planning his big night with Catalina.

The night I give her the poem and tell her I love her,

I'm gonna have the room decorated with stuff she likes.

Do you know what she likes? I don't know.

A lot of girls like rainbows.

Rainbow.

I'm gonna need a hose.

Oh. Oh, hi, Earl, Randy. What's new?

[ Man ] I can't take the crying anymore, Kenny. You're a crybaby.

And you're an emotional terrorist, that's what you are!

Uh, I made you 274 sandwiches.

I'm sorry, Kenny. We tried, but it's not gonna work.

Then go! Get out!

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

Uh, anyway, some of 'em are on white bread...

and some on whole wheat, which I thought gay people would enjoy.

I hope these don't have mayo on them. I'm on a diet.

Since I'm apparently dating again. [ Crying ]

[ Earl Narrating ] As much as I didn't want to stay,

Kenny needed someone to talk to.

[ Kenny ] Ever since Brokeback Mountain,

all guys want anymore are tough, strong, manly types.

- That movie totally ruined gay life. - Yeah, I hear ya.

What's he talkin' about?

What about people like me, Earl? How am I gonna find a man to love me?

Look, I, uh-- I don't know much about gay stuff, Kenny.

The gayest thing I've ever done is make all these sandwiches.

Hey, you think you could teach me how to be like you?

Everything about you is manly-- your clothes, your scent, even your name, Earl.

Earl. Ear-r-r-rl!

Please stop that.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You want me to teach you how to be less gay so you can sleep with more men?

Okay.

[ Laughs ] Oh, thank you so much!

Oh! Oh, this is gonna be oodles of fun.

Okay, rule number one. Don't say "oodles" unless it's followed by "noodles."

That's right.

[ Earl Narrating ] While I was tryin' to help Kenny,

Joy's lawyer was tryin' to help her by sendin' her to an anger management class.

Each of you has a disease.

[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, because of budget cuts,

anyone with a control problem in Camden met in the same group.

It wasn't effective, but it was cheaper.

Whether it's the disease of alcoholism or out-of-control anger...

or a sex addiction or stealin' things you don't need.

But why? Why must I steal pens and only pens?

I have thousands of them!

I don't want any more. I am so ashamed!

Oh, for God's sake, would you suck it up?

Nobody gives a damn about your stupid pen problem.

I'm sorry, but drinkin' all the time, like Sheila over there, is not a disease.

What's on the back of her neck, that's a damn disease.

And wantin' sex 16 times a day just means that whoever you're with...

ain't gettin' the job done right the first time.

And please, havin' 300 pairs of fancy shoes...

in your closet does not mean Becky is sick.

It means she's ugly, and she just wants people to stare at her feet.

No, Joy, a disease is something you have no control over.

It's somethin' you can learn to live with but cannot cure.

A disease is somethin' that is not your fault.

I like that "it's not my fault" part. Keep goin'.

Well, you have what is known as Pathological Impulse Control Disorder.

Hot damn! Does this mean I can get crippled people parkin'?

[ Earl Narrating ] Although it felt a little strange,

no one ever wanted to be like me before.

So helpin' Kenny was kinda fun.

Untuck your shirt. Really?

I do 20 lunges every morning to make sure I have a good butt.

Okay. Just seems like a waste of lunges.

[ Earl Narrating ] I took Kenny to the Crab Shack to start his macho lessons.

Catalina came along to wire some money home.

Big stack this week.

Yeah. Club Chubby relaxed their no-touching policy during the holidays.

I can't stand using this machine.

It's too much damn responsibility.

Last month, I accidentally sent $600 to the Taliban.

Well, don't mess this up.

If the money doesn't get to my village each week,

the men who kidnapped my brother will cut off his finger.

He was born with 11, but as a magician, he uses them all.

Uh, don't cross your legs like that.

And take the napkin off from around your beer bottle.

Oh. You are such a stern taskmaster.

No, don't say words like "stern" and whatever that other thing was.

Oh, it's okay. I'm not stealin'.

I'm just findin' out things about Catalina to help me with the big night I'm planning.

She likes orange Tic Tacs,

keys...

and tampons.

Is there a pen in there?

[ Earl Narrating ] When I saw that Rosie the bookie was operatin' at the bar today,

I decided to introduce Kenny to the manly world of dog race bettin'.

Pick a dog. I don't have all day.

Ooh, Tiny Dancer.

That's an Elton John song, lyrics by Bernie Taupin.

Just put a bet down. Be bold.

Five dollars on Tiny Dancer.

- Bolder. - [ Deepens Voice ] Five dollars on Tiny Dancer.

[ Earl Narrating ] Tiny Dancer had a good day, and so did me and Kenny.

We bet the next race, and won that one too.

Yeah!

Yeah!

[ Earl Narrating ] And four more after that. Yeah, Tito!

That's when I realized this was the first time I'd really gambled since I made the list.

Maybe karma was lookin' over my shoulder.

That weekend, I took my winnings and bought myself a Christmas present--

new tires for the El Camino.

And since changin' tires was a manly activity, I figured I'd get Kenny to do it.

I believe that's called "multitasking."

After Kenny changes your tires, can we go to the store...

so I can get a special shirt to wear when I ask Catalina out?

I found out she likes dogs, so if they have anything made out of dog skin, that might be cool.

Maybe later. I need to get to the Crab Shack...

and put a few bets down while I'm still on a roll.

I also need bubble wrap. She likes the sound it makes...

when it pops 'cause it reminds her of her childhood.

You know, 'cause of all the shootin'.

Hey, tough guy. Want to learn how to change a tire?

Oh. Uh, sure. Uh, I was just finishing my coffee.

Uh--

Well, where's all your stuff?

Oh, I, uh-- I sent it all out to be cleaned. You know, for the holidays.

Really? Why didn't you have someone come here to clean it?

Well, because, uh--

because I'm lying. [ Crying ]

Ever since you introduced me to gambling, I can't stop.

I've been betting the horses online every day. I didn't think I could lose.

I kept betting on horses named after Elton John songs.

Damn Candle in the Wind. Cost me my velveteen settee!

[ Screams, Grunts ]

Hold on, buddy. Let's look at the bright side.

At least you're startin' to show some manly rage.

[ Crying ]

And now you're cryin'.

Ricola!

[ Earl Narrating ] After losin' all his furniture, dishes,

and somethin' he called window treatments,

Kenny thought he might have a gamblin' problem.

And in Camden, there was only one place for him to go.

So in a sense, gambling was a way to numb your childhood pain.

It did hurt when the kids renamed that playground game "Smear the Kenny."

I told you I had that on my list, Kenny. I'm gonna get to it.

Earl, would you like to share anything today?

No, I'm just here 'cause Kenny was nervous about comin'.

-I'm just makin' my picks for the day. -Earl introduced me to gambling.

He's super good at it.

I'll go again. Yesterday I punched a school bus.

Joy, we're talkin' to Earl now.

So, Earl, do you do a lot of gamblin' too? Well, lately, yeah.

As much as I can. I'm on a roll.

In fact, I'm startin' to feel buggy sittin' here knowin' I might miss the first race.

Earl.

Maybe you need to ask yourself if you have a gambling problem.

Hmm. Nope, I don't have a gambling problem.

I'm winning, and winning is not a problem.

That's like saying Michael Jordan has a basketball problem,

or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem.

So why don't y'all just pour some sugar on that?

Oh, I just thought of somethin' else I punched.

It was a Santa Claus beggin' for money.

I went to the bank today.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was mad about bein' accused of havin' a gambling problem.

But spending the next eight hours at the Crab Shack made me feel better.

That's it. I'm outta cash.

Oh, don't leave, Rosie.

Hey, Crabman, you want to pick a number again and I'll try to guess it?

No, no way. I lost too much money playin' that game yesterday.

Sixteen. Whoa. You're like a X-Man or somethin'.

If you're lookin' for some action, I got a little thing I do.

Around 2:00 a.m. tonight, down in East Camden.

You know that alley where them two fellas got stabbed last month?

Right next to that Dumpster where them wild dogs ate that bum's arm.

Yeah.

There's a door, and it says, "Danger. Do Not Enter."

That's where you enter.

But there's gonna be gamblin'? Oh, yeah.

I'll be there.

[ Man ] * One, two, three, five *

[ People Shouting, Chattering ]

* I'm gonna tell you about the chicken drop *

* Now, what is a chicken drop *

* We're gonna have a ball Wednesday night *

Whoa.

Wait, so we just bet on where the chicken poops? That's right.

I'm in.

Here. Forty dollars on square number five.

This is fantastic. Yeah.

Chicken gotta poop, people gotta bet. Worked out real nice.

Right there! Right there! Yeah, buddy! Go, go, go!

[ Earl Narrating ] When the chicken drop stopped,

I got the number of a place overseas that takes bets 24 hours a day.

I stayed up all night bettin' on all kinds of things.

Earl. Shh! I'm lookin' for the news.

Early returns are comin' in on the election in the Congo.

I put a thousand on Moombata over Adabbu.

Moombata's a cannibal, but he went to Harvard.

Earl, could you sit on the bed? I'm layin' bubble wrap.

Now? Yeah.

Today's the day I tell Catalina I love her.

I got a ton of decoratin' to do.

Do you think you could help me build a piñata shaped like some actress named Salma Hayek?

Catalina doesn't like this Salma woman. She's always wanted to hit her with a stick.

Shh! Randy, just hold on a second.

And in international news, it looks like Moombata will win in a landslide.

Moombata! New day for Central Africa! Whoo!

I knew it was a mistake for Adabbu to go negative.

[ Narrating ] Since Randy wanted Catalina out of the motel while he set up for his big night,

I took her over to watch the chickens crap.

Come on! Relax and let it go!

Come on!

Let it go! Come on! Come on!

Kenny, what are you doin' here?

Oh, I got the jones, Earl. I needed some action.

I guess I'm just weak.

No, what was weak was sittin' in that room talkin' about your feelings.

Remember, real men keep their emotions bottled up until they explode,

and then they punch somethin' that has nothin' to do with what they're mad at.

I would so date that. Now let's win your furniture back.

[ All Shouting, Chattering ]

Oh, yeah, this one's a winner! See how he's movin' his head?

That's the poopie dance. Yeah, buddy! Come on!

Earl, you said we could leave an hour ago. My shift at Club Chubby starts in 20 minutes,

and if I'm late, Fat Susan will go up first and sweat up the pole.

Wait, hold on! He's goin' for the corner! We got 'em all covered. Come on, buddy!

Earl, I'm not gonna have time to go to the Crab Shack so I can wire money home.

Here, just take my car. I'll go by the Crab Shack and wire your money.

Okay. Just make sure that money gets to my village by noon.

The thought of my brother's finger being chewed off by a weasel is too much.

That's how they do it. They starve the weasel, then dip the finger in peanut butter.

Okay, noon. Got it. Come on, man! Pick it up!

[ Squeals ] Hey, buddy!

- Number nine! - You can't lose, Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] It was a beautiful day. We were even gettin' comped.

Oh! [ Chuckling ]

And just when we thought things couldn't get any better, we saw it-- Mr. Pitts.

That was the name of our fifth grade teacher. It wasn't his real name.

We just called him that 'cause he could sweat through two shirts and a blazer.

Mr. Pitts. It's a sign.

I know, Kenny. Square five for fifth grade.

We gotta go in with everything we got. I'm with ya', man.

[ Earl Narrating ] I knew this was my chance to finally make a really big score.

The only problem was, I didn't have enough money to do it up right.

Earl, what are you doing? You're not thinking of betting Catalina's money, are you?

Why not? Hell, she'd want me to.

I'll win 10 times as much, and can pay her back double.

I don't know, man. What if you lose? You won't be able to wire the money,

and Catalina's brother will have his finger chewed off by a weasel,

and she will hate you forever.

And what's worse, you'll hate yourself.

[ Earl Narrating ] When Kenny said those things to me,

it made me look deep into my heart, and I realized somethin'--

somethin' kinda painful.

Kenny's a loser.

I'm bettin' it all. You gotta stop thinkin' negative.

So there's nothin' I can do about it. I have an anger disease.

Kinda like how you have a can't-hear-anything disease,

and you have a get-your-ass-kicked-by-a-girl disease.

She says... a bunch of stuff. Look, have you tried drugs?

Long time ago. But just pot.

And hash. And quaaludes.

And once I dated this Indian guy, and I chewed on a horse's adrenal gland.

But how's this gonna help me in court?

No, I mean prescription drugs for your anger.

They have certainly done a lot for me.

You have anger issues? A mousy little dude like you?

It is not easy getting paid minimum wage...

to say whatever stupid thing some deaf woman tells you to.

Plus, I hate it when she flirts with guys.

I'm not wearing any panties today.

Damn. She makes you do that?

How do you not just kick her ass? I take medication.

"Calmuvent." Smooths everything out.

She wants to know what we're talking about.

You don't have to be part of every conversation!

Must be noon. Time to take my meds.

[ Shouting, Chattering Continues ]

Earl Hickey. Telephone call for you. Take down the message.

What? Take a message?

If you was in Atlantic City, would you ask Donald Trump to take a message for ya?

I'll get it. Come on, Mr. Pitts! Right there, buddy!

- Hello. - Kenny, it's Randy. There's a problem with Catalina.

- What? Is she okay? - Come on, Mr. Pitts! Don't be a tease.

If you're gonna squat like that, do somethin'!

That was Randy. Catalina's in trouble. We have to-- One more minute.

Earl, there's a problem with Catalina. Hang on!

Bear down, buddy! You're in the zone! She got pulled over by the cops.

Quiet, Kenny! You're gonna "moosh" my bet! Five, five, five!

Catalina was speeding. The cops stopped her and took her away.

She could get deported.

[ Earl Narrating ] Kenny told me that Catalina was speedin' 'cause she was late for work...

when the police pulled her over and saw her license and quickly realized...

her name wasn't "Jane Driver" and she didn't live in "Go Kart Country."

So she tried to make a run for it.

Unfortunately, she had already put on her stripper shoes.

You pigs! Oink, oink, oink! Let go of me! Let go!

Number five! You win again.

[ Earl Narrating ] It was my fault Catalina got arrested.

She was late for work 'cause I wouldn't leave.

I did have a gambling addiction.

And even though it hadn't cost me a dime,

it cost me somethin' a whole lot more important than money.

* I saw her today at the reception * [ Bubble Wrap Popping ]

* A glass of wine in her hand *

* I knew she was gonna meet her connection *

Don't worry, Randy. We'll get her back.

It's too late, Earl. They took her to Immigration. They're gonna deport her.

[ Narrating ] But even when it doesn't seem like it, Christmas is still a time of hope.

* You can't always get what you want *

Kenny was hopin' to get his life back on track.

He finally realized the way to become a real man wasn't by followin' me around.

It was by facin' his problems and, well, gettin' help.

* You might find You get what you need *

And Joy was hopin' she'd finally found a cure for her anger disease.

So you can take that with your birth control pill?

I don't take birth control pills. What?

Randy was hopin' he'd get the chance to tell Catalina how he felt about her.

And I was hopin' I'd be able to fix all the problems I'd caused,

and we'd all be back together again.

So a few days later, we found out where Catalina was,

and headed off to bring her back.