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1
00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:07,375
Was there another shoot-out?
No.
2
00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:09,777
Some drunk guys
tried to shoot down
a hot air balloon.
3
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:12,780
They got it on fire,
then it drifted out of sight.
4
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,216
What's with the tiny suit?
Well, a few years back,
5
00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:18,752
I used to think it was funny
to get drunk and pull wigs
off old ladies' heads.
6
00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:22,756
[ Giggles ]
They were always like--
[ Sobbing ]
7
00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:25,226
Anyway,
I was at the beauty parlor
making up for it,
8
00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,295
and one of the old ladies
was so grateful,
9
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,797
she gave me
her dead husband's
best suit as a thank-you.
10
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:33,434
- I think it's too small.
- But she said he was my size
before he started shrinking.
11
00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:36,470
I figure, in 40 years,
it'll fit perfect.
12
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:40,574
You always get a good feeling
from what you do-- or a suit.
13
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:44,478
I spent my morning
sweeping up bullet casings
and a variety of fancy cheeses.
14
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:47,481
- Fancy cheeses?
- The people in the hot air
balloon fought back.
15
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:50,218
I caught a cell phone
and a shoe.
16
00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:53,554
I feel bad for you,
Catalina.
Tell you what.
17
00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:56,790
You can do a list item with me.
You might get a good feelin'.
18
00:00:56,857 --> 00:01:00,628
Or a dead man's suit.
Thank you.
I'd love to.
19
00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:04,265
[ Cell Phone Rings ]
20
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:09,337
Hello.
[ Man ]
Is Penelope there?
21
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,539
No, she's not.
[ Indistinct ]
22
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:15,476
Last time I saw her, she was
floatin' towards the freeway.
Thank you.
23
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:18,479
Wonder how
you change the ringer
on this thing.
24
00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:20,814
My name is Earl.
25
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:27,020
[ Earl Narrating ]
Catalina was excited
to help me with my list...
26
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:30,124
'cause she was hopin'
doin' somethin' good
would make her feel good.
27
00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:33,627
I guess karma's contagious.
We were takin' care
of number 75--
28
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:37,598
- used the mailbox
as a trash can.
- [ Both Groaning ]
29
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:41,535
Ew! It smells like
that stab wound
you wouldn't get looked at.
30
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,504
[ Earl Narrating ]
A couple years back,
31
00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,973
they moved the Dumpster across
the road in the trailer park.
32
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:49,477
It was more convenient
for the trashmen but less
convenient for me and Randy.
33
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,517
And because things
that are easy become habit,
34
00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:59,052
pretty soon we were usin'
the mailbox for all our trash.
35
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:02,390
We knew it was wrong,
but we were lazy.
36
00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:06,560
I found some letters.
37
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,896
I think they've been
stuck for a while.
38
00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:13,734
Shamrock milk shake.
That was a good day.
39
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,537
Oh, man. These letters
never got delivered
because of us.
40
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:19,473
We gotta give 'em back
to the people who sent 'em.
41
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,709
This kind of thing happens
all the time on the list.
42
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:24,878
You're doin' one thing,
and bam, it's somethin' else.
43
00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:29,016
If you'd been watchin' him
do this as long as I have,
you'd know that.
44
00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:32,620
I'm kind of second in charge
of the list.
45
00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:35,356
[ Earl Narrating ]
Since Randy was the one
drinkin' shamrock flavor,
46
00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:39,460
he agreed to take his letter
back, while me and Catalina
took care of chocolate.
47
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:41,229
It was never delivered?
48
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:44,232
This is a love letter
to a woman that I worked with,
49
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,567
and when she didn't respond
to me, I was humiliated.
50
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:49,470
I quit my job so I wouldn't
have to face her again!
51
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:51,939
Should we run?
No, this happens
sometimes with the list.
52
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,174
- He'll be fine.
- Damn it!
53
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:59,913
You might want to take
a couple steps back.
54
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,817
[ Giggling ]
55
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:06,587
Hey, Joy, can you help me?
Only thing
that'll help your...
56
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,922
worthless-never-achieve-
anything-in-your-
waste-of-breath-life...
57
00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:12,260
is if somebody drowned
you in a river.
[ Chuckles ]
58
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,664
I'm just giving you
a hard time, sweetie.
What you need?
59
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,700
I'm tryin' to return
this letter for Earl's list,
60
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,869
but the address
has a shamrock smudge.
61
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:24,938
I've been askin' everyone
in the trailer park to help me
figure out who wrote it.
62
00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:28,609
That's easy.
Earl says it's illegal
to open other people's mail.
63
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:30,811
That's the good thing
about havin' three strikes.
64
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:34,147
You don't have to worry
about the stupid laws anymore.
Wish I had three strikes.
65
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:35,949
You will someday.
66
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:40,754
What the-- Darnell!
67
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:45,493
You want to tell me why
I have a Witness Protection
Program letter...
68
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,796
sayin' that your
real name is Harry Monroe?
Uh, I don't know.
69
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,864
[ Earl Narrating ]
That was a lie.
In fact,
70
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,967
Darnell had an entire past
he'd never told Joy
anything about.
71
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:56,770
As soon as
you get out of this van,
you become Darnell Turner.
72
00:03:56,837 --> 00:04:00,040
All the documents you need--
birth certificate,
driver's license, et cetera--
73
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:01,975
are in this envelope.
74
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:03,977
Cool.
75
00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:08,248
What do you mean,
"I don't know"?
76
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:10,584
Okay. My real name
is Harry Monroe,
77
00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,686
and the Witness Protection
Program moved me
to Camden County...
78
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,088
because there was
a mix-up in the paperwork.
79
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:18,225
Some tobacco company
executive ended up
in Compton.
80
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,260
- He only lasted two days.
- Wait a minute.
81
00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,262
Is Mr. Turtle
in the program too?
82
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:25,799
Is he even really a turtle,
or is he a lizard
disguised in a shell?
83
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:28,336
-It doesn't go that deep, Randy.
-Look,
Mr. Whatever-Your-Name-Is.
84
00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:32,205
I am not gonna live with
a stranger. For all I know, you
could be the Son of Sam killer.
85
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:35,343
So either you tell me
who you really are,
or find another place to live.
86
00:04:35,409 --> 00:04:37,745
Sorry, baby. I can't.
87
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:51,425
[ Earl Narrating ]
After Will punched three more
holes in his trailer,
88
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,427
he cried a little,
then invited us in.
89
00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:56,029
This is such a beautiful letter.
90
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:59,467
"I know we're friends,
but sometimes it seems
like something more.
91
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,802
[ Mouthing Words ]
"Give me a sign
about how you feel.
92
00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:03,737
Love, your buddy."
93
00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:09,142
I never knew
where I stood with Wendy.
94
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:11,011
We'd talk
on the phone for hours,
95
00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:13,447
we'd go to the movies,
but whenever
we'd say good-bye,
96
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:15,315
she'd kiss me on my cheek.
97
00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:18,519
- What was the kiss like?
Show me.
- Yeah.
98
00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:21,254
No, not on me.
I can't see it
if you do it on me.
99
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,957
Do it on Earl.
100
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,706
Yeah. It seems like
she liked you.
101
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:42,342
I don't know. It was halfway
between the ear and the lips.
It could go either way.
102
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,445
Yeah. See?
That's what I'm talkin' about.
103
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:48,682
And then look at
this CD she burned me.
104
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:50,718
"Feel Like Making Love."
Nice.
105
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:53,387
"You're My Best Friend."
106
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,756
"Stroke Me."
You're lookin' good again.
107
00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:58,058
"That's What Friends Are For,"
108
00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:01,429
"You Got a Friend"
and "Ooh, Ooh, That Smell."
109
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,831
This girl is definitely
hard to read.
110
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:06,700
But now that
you got the letter,
you could give it another try.
111
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:09,670
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't give her
that letter now.
112
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:12,673
We used to work together
as personal trainers.
113
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:15,609
No, when Wendy knew me,
I looked like that.
114
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:19,112
Oh, my God.
You used to be hot.
115
00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:21,148
What happened to you?
116
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,083
Uh, don't mind her.
117
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,753
Uh, she's new
with helpin' people,
and, uh, her life sucks.
118
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,888
She came to this country
in a box.
119
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:31,559
You look like
this guy's skinny, ugly,
homeless brother.
120
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:33,994
Uh, it was a small box,
built for a monkey.
121
00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:39,667
[ Earl Narrating ]
Catalina wanted me to keep the
letter while Will got in shape.
122
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:43,437
She was afraid he might deliver
it without her, and she'd miss
out on her good feelin'.
123
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:46,073
[ TV: Chattering ]
Where have you been?
124
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:50,177
Tracked down the letter dude.
Then I drove Catalina to
Club Chubby for her shift.
125
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,746
Did you know they have
a dancer in a wheelchair now?
126
00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:57,017
It's kinda different.
Like, for a lap dance,
you sit on her lap.
127
00:06:57,084 --> 00:07:00,754
And if you give her a good tip,
she wheels you out to your car.
128
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:04,525
[ Toilet Flushes ]
129
00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:07,861
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crabman.
130
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:12,866
What's Crabman
doin' here in his p.j.'s?
131
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,202
Oh, he's in the Witness
Protection Program,
132
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,805
and Joy found out
because of the letter
I delivered,
133
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,107
and Darnell
wouldn't tell Joy
why he's in the program.
134
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:22,876
So Joy threw him out,
and I told him
he could live here.
135
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:26,113
Fair enough.
I'll ask for
extra towels tomorrow.
136
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:29,449
- Good night, Crabman.
- Good night, Earl.
137
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,488
[ All Snoring ]
[ Banging ]
138
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,990
Is it the witness
protectors?
139
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:40,961
No. They're very polite.
They usually hit my pager
before they come over.
140
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:43,864
What about the people
they're witness-protectin'
you from?
141
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:46,399
I'd imagine they'd knock
and then start shootin'
when they see me.
142
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,468
All right.
You better hide then.
143
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,043
Will?
I'm havin'
a bad night, Earl.
144
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:58,612
I heard Wendy's still single,
and I started to think,
145
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:01,081
what if she meets a guy
before I get back into shape?
146
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:04,084
Hmm?
147
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:08,388
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're havin'
a little private thing.
148
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:12,159
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That-That-That's just
my brother. We share a room.
149
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:13,927
They don't have rooms
with two beds here?
150
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,429
They do,
but not with a pool view.
151
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,566
But look. It's not weird.
We're family.
152
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:26,339
Oh, right. Uh, that's
our friend Darnell. He's,
uh, spendin' the night.
153
00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:29,242
He's, uh, under the covers
'cause, uh--
154
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:35,048
Look, buddy.
Don't worry about Wendy.
155
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,618
It's not like she's gonna
fall in love overnight.
Love takes time.
156
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,286
I disagree, Earl.
157
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:43,456
When I fall for someone,
it happens in an instant.
158
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,292
Your lover's right.
159
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,561
If she falls for someone,
I could lose her forever.
160
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,630
What am I gonna do
if I lose her forever?
161
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,064
He could lose her
forever, Earl.
162
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:52,933
I heard him.
I can't lose her again.
163
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,168
- He can't lose her again.
- If I lose her forever,
164
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,337
you'll never be able to
cross me off your list.
165
00:08:57,404 --> 00:09:00,040
How you gonna cross me off your
list if she finds another guy?
I don't know.
166
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,009
The list!
I forgot about the list.
167
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,944
- What are you gonna do, Earl?
- I don't know.
168
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:06,013
- You have to know!
- What are we gonna do?
169
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,248
- Answer him, Earl!
- I told you. I don't know.
170
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:10,417
Earl.
171
00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:12,285
Why don't you just
go down to the gym...
172
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:15,022
and keep an eye on Wendy
until Will's ready
to talk to her?
173
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:18,025
Oh.
Smart and handsome.
I can see why you're with him.
174
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,093
[ Earl Narrating ]
So I took Darnell's advice...
175
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,896
and went to the gym
Wendy worked at
to keep an eye on her.
176
00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:26,867
I'd like to try that two weeks
free Better Badonkadonk
Bonanza membership thing.
177
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,236
I even requested Wendy
as my personal trainer.
178
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,805
I already knew
my way around a gym,
but I figured...
179
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:35,776
it would be an easy way
to keep guys away from her.
Hey. Are you Earl Hickey?
180
00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:40,714
Problem was, I didn't know how
I was gonna protect her from me.
181
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,816
[ Voice Cracking ]
Yeah, I'm Earl Hickey.
182
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:51,291
[ TV: Chattering ]
183
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:59,566
I got a problem.
This Wendy chick
is pretty hot.
184
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:02,235
[ Earl Narrating ]
Not just any kind of hot.
The kind of hot...
185
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,938
that makes you walk up
stairs to nowhere
long past the point...
186
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:07,507
when you realized you should've
worn something more supportive.
187
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:11,879
Wow. You're really kicking ass.
Yeah, well, I've been
walkin' up stairs my whole life.
188
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,981
Sometimes two at a time.
[ Chuckles ]
189
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:17,084
And she wasn't
just hot either.
She was cool.
190
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:20,587
So, AC/DC, huh?
I met those dudes once.
191
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:22,723
Seriously?
Yeah. My mom was...
192
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:26,293
one of the groupies
Bon Scott was doin' around
the time that he died.
193
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,729
She brought me
to Bon's funeral.
Get out of town.
194
00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:31,431
Honest to God. I even
got a picture with him.
195
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:33,901
It was open casket.
[ Mouths Word ]
196
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:39,106
Guys, I think I like Wendy.
197
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,875
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
No. No. No.
198
00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:45,512
No, that's Will's girl. You
can't do this to me, Earl. You
can't screw up my only chance...
199
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:48,015
to cross something
off your list
and get a good feeling.
200
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:50,718
I need this in my life.
I scrub toilets all day,
and at night...
201
00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:52,786
I dance for drunk losers
who flick nickels at my ass.
202
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,654
I'm going crazy.
203
00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:57,157
I need to feel good
about something before
I kill someone again.
204
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:04,097
What?
205
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,999
You said you were
gonna kill someone.
206
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,802
It's a figure of speech.
"I'm gonna kill someone."
207
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:12,172
Yeah, but you, uh--
You said "again."
208
00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:15,042
You did. You said
"kill someone again."
209
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,411
Okay. Fine.
So long as we're
looking under rocks,
210
00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,714
why are you
sharing a bed
with the Crabman?
211
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:22,850
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't drag me into this, girl.
212
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:27,654
Look. Relax. I said I like her.
I didn't say I was gonna
do anything about it.
213
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,656
Besides, it's not like
she likes me back.
214
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:33,360
Fine. But if you think
she starts liking you,
you better back off.
215
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,729
You're not messing
this up for me, Earl.
You understand?
216
00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:37,865
I understand.
217
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,035
[ Whispers ]
Murderer.
218
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:44,437
- What?
- What? Oh, nothin'.
219
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,844
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
220
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:54,547
- How are things
goin' with Joy?
- Not so good.
221
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:57,617
[ Earl Narrating ]
In fact, Joy was so mad that
no matter what Darnell tried,
222
00:11:57,684 --> 00:12:01,121
she wouldn't take him back
until he told her the truth.
[ All Harmonizing ] * Joy *
223
00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:03,256
[ Synthesized Voice ]
* Joy **
224
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:09,196
I love you, baby.
[ High-pitched Voice ]
I love you, baby.
225
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:15,435
I can't bear
to be without you.
226
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:19,206
I'm sorry, babe.
I got it at a costume shop.
227
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:22,442
For some reason,
it seemed like it was
gonna be a good idea.
228
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,912
[ Earl Narrating ]
So I went back to
keepin' guys away from Wendy.
229
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:29,349
But the more I did it, the more
I wondered if I was doin' it
to help Will or to help me.
230
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:33,553
- Aaah!
- Oh, my-- my bad.
231
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:37,057
Uh, you should
put some ice on that
before it leaves a mark.
232
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:39,426
I knew it didn't matter
if I was attracted to her...
233
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:42,295
as long as she didn't
start becomin' attracted to me.
234
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:46,233
And I thought I was in the clear
until she made me a mix CD.
235
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:50,103
Listen to this.
"Feel Like Making Love."
236
00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:52,873
"You're My Best Friend."
"Do Me."
237
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:55,775
"Don't Do Me Like That."
"I Want Your Sex."
238
00:12:55,843 --> 00:13:00,013
"Don't Stand So Close to Me."
This girl's impossible to read.
Yeah.
239
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,115
George Michael with Tom Petty?
240
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:04,117
Are we partyin'
or just hangin' out?
241
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,889
[ Earl Narrating ]
One time when her car
was in the shop,
242
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:11,491
I gave her a ride home,
and she kissed me.
243
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:16,063
But it was exactly halfway
between my cheek and my ear.
244
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,267
Things were gettin'
hard to read.
245
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:24,137
But when Wendy came by
to use the pool,
everything became a lot clearer.
246
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:28,375
Anytime a girl
almost pulls her arms
out of their sockets...
247
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:31,144
instead of askin' a guy
to help with the lotion,
well, they're just friends.
248
00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:33,947
You want some help?
Nope. I got it.
249
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:37,750
- [ Pager Beeping ]
- Oh, crap. That's work.
250
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:42,022
Hey. Can I use your phone?
Sure. Upstairs, next to
the room with the chalk outline.
251
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:47,327
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was a little hurt
she didn't like me.
252
00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:49,496
I knew it was probably
for the best,
253
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:53,700
but it always hurts when
someone doesn't like you
as much as you like them.
254
00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:58,405
Still, it was a relief
when I realized I hadn't
screwed everything up for Will.
255
00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,840
I brought your shoes.
256
00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:03,911
There's a turtle livin'
here lately, and he likes
to go for toes.
257
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:06,713
Earl, this letter--
258
00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:10,283
You read it?
Uh, listen. I can explain.
259
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:13,053
You weren't supposed
to see that yet. See--
260
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,056
"Give me a sign
about how you feel.
Love, your buddy."
261
00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:20,293
Well, how's this
for a sign, buddy?
262
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:25,598
That's when I realized--
she didn't know
the letter was from Will.
263
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:28,201
Sorry.
264
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:30,337
Sorry to be so forward.
I, um--
265
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,672
I once let a great guy
I work with slip away...
266
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:37,577
because I was too scared
to show him how I felt.
Did ya now?
267
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:40,180
[ Earl Narrating ]
Wendy told me about
makin' Will a mix CD...
268
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:44,952
and how she was too scared to
give him the first one she made
that was all love songs.
269
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:49,356
She talked about how stupid
she felt for bein' too scared
to ever kiss Will on the lips.
270
00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:56,463
[ Frustrated Groan ]
The more Wendy talked,
271
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:59,099
the more I realized
she had deep feelings for Will.
272
00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:01,969
I was doin' all the same
stupid stuff with you.
273
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:05,405
I was even too scared
to ask you to help me
put lotion on my back.
274
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:08,708
So, this-- this guy--
this Will--
275
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:11,511
you-- you loved him?
276
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:14,982
Yeah, but he disappeared.
I don't know
what happened to him.
277
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:19,286
[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew at that moment I could
make two people very happy.
278
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,654
And one of those people
was gonna be me.
279
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,690
Well, his loss.
280
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:27,627
I knew I should've
told the truth, but, well,
sometimes that's hard to do.
281
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,863
Especially when you have
a teeny bit of someone
else's tongue in your mouth.
282
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,133
[ Clears Throat ]
283
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,969
Oh, I guess they want to
clean your room.
284
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,971
Well, I gotta get back
to work anyway.
285
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:42,142
Hey, maybe later we can
meet up at the Crab Shack
and finally have a real date.
286
00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:45,545
[ Whispers ]
And then maybe
work our way back here.
287
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:53,320
That was Wendy, wasn't it?
Oh, let me guess.
288
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:56,956
[ Latin Accent ] "In my
village, you don't kiss women
of men you're trying to help."
289
00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:59,826
This is America.
Love it or leave it, sister.
290
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,461
You're gonna
hate yourself for this.
291
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:04,631
Then when you go to
Hallmark to get a card
to make up for it,
292
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,500
you're not gonna find one
because it is too specific.
293
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:14,641
When you go into the Witness
Protection Program, do they
let you pick your own name?
294
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:19,679
'Cause if I ever
witness anything, I'm gonna
name myself Crash Fistfight.
295
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:22,349
Damn. That's a good one.
296
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,452
Oh, no.
297
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,161
That woman's lost her mind.
298
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:47,374
What the hell were
you thinkin', plastering
my face on that thing?
299
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,777
If you have information about
the missin' person, please call
the number on the billboard.
300
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:57,050
Let me in for five minutes
so we can talk.
301
00:16:57,117 --> 00:17:00,787
I don't want to teach my boys
it's okay to let strangers
in the house.
302
00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:05,325
Joy, you have to
take that thing down.
303
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:07,560
As soon as you tell me
who you are, I will.
304
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:11,464
Dang it, baby.
I can't.
305
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:16,736
When I was Harry Monroe, I had
to give up everything because of
what I knew, and I didn't care.
306
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:19,606
But if I tell you my secret now,
I could lose everything again.
307
00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:23,476
And this time I do care,
because I love you.
308
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:27,114
I can't start my life
over without you.
Don't you understand?
309
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:31,118
I can't tell you the truth
because I love you
too much, stupid.
310
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,522
Joy!
311
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:54,674
I love you too, stupid.
312
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:05,118
Promise you'll never
kill me?
Promise.
313
00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:07,254
[ Cell Phone Rings ]
314
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,325
Hello.
315
00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:15,328
Yes, I know
that's Darnell Turner.
316
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,864
No. There's
no reward, Randy.
317
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,906
[ Earl Narrating ]
When I got to the Crab Shack,
318
00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:30,310
I knew I was doin' wrong
'cause I had that tingly
feelin' in my gut...
319
00:18:30,377 --> 00:18:32,845
I used to get before
breakin' into a house.
Hey.
320
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:36,449
Hey. I put in
10 bucks of Skynyrd.
I hope that's okay.
321
00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:38,918
I hope you didn't
put it all on D-4,
322
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:41,854
'cause it says "Free Bird,"
but it's really
"Let's Hear It for the Boy."
323
00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:46,459
Will?
324
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:49,696
Hi, Wendy.
Oh, God, look at me.
325
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:53,300
All of this.
I didn't think
I'd ever see you again.
326
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:56,068
What the hell happened?
You just disappeared.
327
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,738
I'm sorry.
I sent you a letter,
but it never got there,
328
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:01,274
but I thought it did,
so I thought
you didn't like me.
329
00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:04,677
Then I found out you didn't get
the letter, so I was gettin' in
shape so I could talk to you.
330
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:06,779
Then this little
Mexican lady told me...
331
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:09,882
I had to tell you
how I felt or I might lose
you forever. I love you.
332
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:13,786
Oh, my God, Will.
Why didn't you ever say so?
333
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:16,589
I'm so happy.
334
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:20,227
Come on.
We need to leave
these two to talk.
335
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:22,929
I'll buy you a beer.
336
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:26,966
You messed with my list item.
No, you messed with
your list item.
337
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:30,303
I just fixed it for you
before you ruined it
for everybody.
338
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:34,341
I also did something very bad
to your toothbrush. Don't ask.
Just throw it out.
339
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,783
I can see why
you do your list.
340
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,254
It is a very good feeling.
341
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,056
[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I learned
that sometimes with the list...
342
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:53,860
other people get the good
feelin', and I just feel like
I've been punched in the gut.
343
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:56,829
And although Catalina
probably did the right thing,
344
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:59,266
well, it didn't mean
I was happy with her.
345
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:07,139
It had been a long week
for everybody,
346
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:10,977
and Darnell was happy that
the billboard was down
and Joy had taken him back.
347
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:14,547
We're glad you're
back, Daddy.
It's good to be back.
348
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,818
But he still had a secret.
349
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,020
A secret he was
just itchin' to tell.
350
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:23,690
Will you tell us
a bedtime story?
351
00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:27,427
Yeah. I think I have
a story I could tell you.
352
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:34,233
Once upon a time,
there was a man
named Harry Monroe--
353
00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:36,703
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
30111
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