Original subtitles

Was there another shoot-out? No.

Some drunk guys tried to shoot down a hot air balloon.

They got it on fire, then it drifted out of sight.

What's with the tiny suit? Well, a few years back,

I used to think it was funny to get drunk and pull wigs off old ladies' heads.

[ Giggles ] They were always like-- [ Sobbing ]

Anyway, I was at the beauty parlor making up for it,

and one of the old ladies was so grateful,

she gave me her dead husband's best suit as a thank-you.

- I think it's too small. - But she said he was my size before he started shrinking.

I figure, in 40 years, it'll fit perfect.

You always get a good feeling from what you do-- or a suit.

I spent my morning sweeping up bullet casings and a variety of fancy cheeses.

- Fancy cheeses? - The people in the hot air balloon fought back.

I caught a cell phone and a shoe.

I feel bad for you, Catalina. Tell you what.

You can do a list item with me. You might get a good feelin'.

Or a dead man's suit. Thank you. I'd love to.

[ Cell Phone Rings ]

Hello. [ Man ] Is Penelope there?

No, she's not. [ Indistinct ]

Last time I saw her, she was floatin' towards the freeway. Thank you.

Wonder how you change the ringer on this thing.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] Catalina was excited to help me with my list...

'cause she was hopin' doin' somethin' good would make her feel good.

I guess karma's contagious. We were takin' care of number 75--

- used the mailbox as a trash can. - [ Both Groaning ]

Ew! It smells like that stab wound you wouldn't get looked at.

[ Earl Narrating ] A couple years back,

they moved the Dumpster across the road in the trailer park.

It was more convenient for the trashmen but less convenient for me and Randy.

And because things that are easy become habit,

pretty soon we were usin' the mailbox for all our trash.

We knew it was wrong, but we were lazy.

I found some letters.

I think they've been stuck for a while.

Shamrock milk shake. That was a good day.

Oh, man. These letters never got delivered because of us.

We gotta give 'em back to the people who sent 'em.

This kind of thing happens all the time on the list.

You're doin' one thing, and bam, it's somethin' else.

If you'd been watchin' him do this as long as I have, you'd know that.

I'm kind of second in charge of the list.

[ Earl Narrating ] Since Randy was the one drinkin' shamrock flavor,

he agreed to take his letter back, while me and Catalina took care of chocolate.

It was never delivered?

This is a love letter to a woman that I worked with,

and when she didn't respond to me, I was humiliated.

I quit my job so I wouldn't have to face her again!

Should we run? No, this happens sometimes with the list.

- He'll be fine. - Damn it!

You might want to take a couple steps back.

[ Giggling ]

Hey, Joy, can you help me? Only thing that'll help your...

worthless-never-achieve- anything-in-your- waste-of-breath-life...

is if somebody drowned you in a river. [ Chuckles ]

I'm just giving you a hard time, sweetie. What you need?

I'm tryin' to return this letter for Earl's list,

but the address has a shamrock smudge.

I've been askin' everyone in the trailer park to help me figure out who wrote it.

That's easy. Earl says it's illegal to open other people's mail.

That's the good thing about havin' three strikes.

You don't have to worry about the stupid laws anymore. Wish I had three strikes.

You will someday.

What the-- Darnell!

You want to tell me why I have a Witness Protection Program letter...

sayin' that your real name is Harry Monroe? Uh, I don't know.

[ Earl Narrating ] That was a lie. In fact,

Darnell had an entire past he'd never told Joy anything about.

As soon as you get out of this van, you become Darnell Turner.

All the documents you need-- birth certificate, driver's license, et cetera--

are in this envelope.

Cool.

What do you mean, "I don't know"?

Okay. My real name is Harry Monroe,

and the Witness Protection Program moved me to Camden County...

because there was a mix-up in the paperwork.

Some tobacco company executive ended up in Compton.

- He only lasted two days. - Wait a minute.

Is Mr. Turtle in the program too?

Is he even really a turtle, or is he a lizard disguised in a shell?

-It doesn't go that deep, Randy. -Look, Mr. Whatever-Your-Name-Is.

I am not gonna live with a stranger. For all I know, you could be the Son of Sam killer.

So either you tell me who you really are, or find another place to live.

Sorry, baby. I can't.

[ Earl Narrating ] After Will punched three more holes in his trailer,

he cried a little, then invited us in.

This is such a beautiful letter.

"I know we're friends, but sometimes it seems like something more.

[ Mouthing Words ] "Give me a sign about how you feel.

Love, your buddy."

I never knew where I stood with Wendy.

We'd talk on the phone for hours,

we'd go to the movies, but whenever we'd say good-bye,

she'd kiss me on my cheek.

- What was the kiss like? Show me. - Yeah.

No, not on me. I can't see it if you do it on me.

Do it on Earl.

Yeah. It seems like she liked you.

I don't know. It was halfway between the ear and the lips. It could go either way.

Yeah. See? That's what I'm talkin' about.

And then look at this CD she burned me.

"Feel Like Making Love." Nice.

"You're My Best Friend."

"Stroke Me." You're lookin' good again.

"That's What Friends Are For,"

"You Got a Friend" and "Ooh, Ooh, That Smell."

This girl is definitely hard to read.

But now that you got the letter, you could give it another try.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't give her that letter now.

We used to work together as personal trainers.

No, when Wendy knew me, I looked like that.

Oh, my God. You used to be hot.

What happened to you?

Uh, don't mind her.

Uh, she's new with helpin' people, and, uh, her life sucks.

She came to this country in a box.

You look like this guy's skinny, ugly, homeless brother.

Uh, it was a small box, built for a monkey.

[ Earl Narrating ] Catalina wanted me to keep the letter while Will got in shape.

She was afraid he might deliver it without her, and she'd miss out on her good feelin'.

[ TV: Chattering ] Where have you been?

Tracked down the letter dude. Then I drove Catalina to Club Chubby for her shift.

Did you know they have a dancer in a wheelchair now?

It's kinda different. Like, for a lap dance, you sit on her lap.

And if you give her a good tip, she wheels you out to your car.

[ Toilet Flushes ]

- Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crabman.

What's Crabman doin' here in his p.j.'s?

Oh, he's in the Witness Protection Program,

and Joy found out because of the letter I delivered,

and Darnell wouldn't tell Joy why he's in the program.

So Joy threw him out, and I told him he could live here.

Fair enough. I'll ask for extra towels tomorrow.

- Good night, Crabman. - Good night, Earl.

[ All Snoring ] [ Banging ]

Is it the witness protectors?

No. They're very polite. They usually hit my pager before they come over.

What about the people they're witness-protectin' you from?

I'd imagine they'd knock and then start shootin' when they see me.

All right. You better hide then.

Will? I'm havin' a bad night, Earl.

I heard Wendy's still single, and I started to think,

what if she meets a guy before I get back into shape?

Hmm?

Oh, I'm sorry. You're havin' a little private thing.

Oh, no, no, no, no. That-That-That's just my brother. We share a room.

They don't have rooms with two beds here?

They do, but not with a pool view.

But look. It's not weird. We're family.

Oh, right. Uh, that's our friend Darnell. He's, uh, spendin' the night.

He's, uh, under the covers 'cause, uh--

Look, buddy. Don't worry about Wendy.

It's not like she's gonna fall in love overnight. Love takes time.

I disagree, Earl.

When I fall for someone, it happens in an instant.

Your lover's right.

If she falls for someone, I could lose her forever.

What am I gonna do if I lose her forever?

He could lose her forever, Earl.

I heard him. I can't lose her again.

- He can't lose her again. - If I lose her forever,

you'll never be able to cross me off your list.

How you gonna cross me off your list if she finds another guy? I don't know.

The list! I forgot about the list.

- What are you gonna do, Earl? - I don't know.

- You have to know! - What are we gonna do?

- Answer him, Earl! - I told you. I don't know.

Earl.

Why don't you just go down to the gym...

and keep an eye on Wendy until Will's ready to talk to her?

Oh. Smart and handsome. I can see why you're with him.

[ Earl Narrating ] So I took Darnell's advice...

and went to the gym Wendy worked at to keep an eye on her.

I'd like to try that two weeks free Better Badonkadonk Bonanza membership thing.

I even requested Wendy as my personal trainer.

I already knew my way around a gym, but I figured...

it would be an easy way to keep guys away from her. Hey. Are you Earl Hickey?

Problem was, I didn't know how I was gonna protect her from me.

[ Voice Cracking ] Yeah, I'm Earl Hickey.

[ TV: Chattering ]

I got a problem. This Wendy chick is pretty hot.

[ Earl Narrating ] Not just any kind of hot. The kind of hot...

that makes you walk up stairs to nowhere long past the point...

when you realized you should've worn something more supportive.

Wow. You're really kicking ass. Yeah, well, I've been walkin' up stairs my whole life.

Sometimes two at a time. [ Chuckles ]

And she wasn't just hot either. She was cool.

So, AC/DC, huh? I met those dudes once.

Seriously? Yeah. My mom was...

one of the groupies Bon Scott was doin' around the time that he died.

She brought me to Bon's funeral. Get out of town.

Honest to God. I even got a picture with him.

It was open casket. [ Mouths Word ]

Guys, I think I like Wendy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No. No.

No, that's Will's girl. You can't do this to me, Earl. You can't screw up my only chance...

to cross something off your list and get a good feeling.

I need this in my life. I scrub toilets all day, and at night...

I dance for drunk losers who flick nickels at my ass.

I'm going crazy.

I need to feel good about something before I kill someone again.

What?

You said you were gonna kill someone.

It's a figure of speech. "I'm gonna kill someone."

Yeah, but you, uh-- You said "again."

You did. You said "kill someone again."

Okay. Fine. So long as we're looking under rocks,

why are you sharing a bed with the Crabman?

Hey, hey, hey. Don't drag me into this, girl.

Look. Relax. I said I like her. I didn't say I was gonna do anything about it.

Besides, it's not like she likes me back.

Fine. But if you think she starts liking you, you better back off.

You're not messing this up for me, Earl. You understand?

I understand.

[ Whispers ] Murderer.

- What? - What? Oh, nothin'.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

- How are things goin' with Joy? - Not so good.

[ Earl Narrating ] In fact, Joy was so mad that no matter what Darnell tried,

she wouldn't take him back until he told her the truth. [ All Harmonizing ] * Joy *

[ Synthesized Voice ] * Joy **

I love you, baby. [ High-pitched Voice ] I love you, baby.

I can't bear to be without you.

I'm sorry, babe. I got it at a costume shop.

For some reason, it seemed like it was gonna be a good idea.

[ Earl Narrating ] So I went back to keepin' guys away from Wendy.

But the more I did it, the more I wondered if I was doin' it to help Will or to help me.

- Aaah! - Oh, my-- my bad.

Uh, you should put some ice on that before it leaves a mark.

I knew it didn't matter if I was attracted to her...

as long as she didn't start becomin' attracted to me.

And I thought I was in the clear until she made me a mix CD.

Listen to this. "Feel Like Making Love."

"You're My Best Friend." "Do Me."

"Don't Do Me Like That." "I Want Your Sex."

"Don't Stand So Close to Me." This girl's impossible to read. Yeah.

George Michael with Tom Petty?

Are we partyin' or just hangin' out?

[ Earl Narrating ] One time when her car was in the shop,

I gave her a ride home, and she kissed me.

But it was exactly halfway between my cheek and my ear.

Things were gettin' hard to read.

But when Wendy came by to use the pool, everything became a lot clearer.

Anytime a girl almost pulls her arms out of their sockets...

instead of askin' a guy to help with the lotion, well, they're just friends.

You want some help? Nope. I got it.

- [ Pager Beeping ] - Oh, crap. That's work.

Hey. Can I use your phone? Sure. Upstairs, next to the room with the chalk outline.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was a little hurt she didn't like me.

I knew it was probably for the best,

but it always hurts when someone doesn't like you as much as you like them.

Still, it was a relief when I realized I hadn't screwed everything up for Will.

I brought your shoes.

There's a turtle livin' here lately, and he likes to go for toes.

Earl, this letter--

You read it? Uh, listen. I can explain.

You weren't supposed to see that yet. See--

"Give me a sign about how you feel. Love, your buddy."

Well, how's this for a sign, buddy?

That's when I realized-- she didn't know the letter was from Will.

Sorry.

Sorry to be so forward. I, um--

I once let a great guy I work with slip away...

because I was too scared to show him how I felt. Did ya now?

[ Earl Narrating ] Wendy told me about makin' Will a mix CD...

and how she was too scared to give him the first one she made that was all love songs.

She talked about how stupid she felt for bein' too scared to ever kiss Will on the lips.

[ Frustrated Groan ] The more Wendy talked,

the more I realized she had deep feelings for Will.

I was doin' all the same stupid stuff with you.

I was even too scared to ask you to help me put lotion on my back.

So, this-- this guy-- this Will--

you-- you loved him?

Yeah, but he disappeared. I don't know what happened to him.

[ Earl Narrating ] I knew at that moment I could make two people very happy.

And one of those people was gonna be me.

Well, his loss.

I knew I should've told the truth, but, well, sometimes that's hard to do.

Especially when you have a teeny bit of someone else's tongue in your mouth.

[ Clears Throat ]

Oh, I guess they want to clean your room.

Well, I gotta get back to work anyway.

Hey, maybe later we can meet up at the Crab Shack and finally have a real date.

[ Whispers ] And then maybe work our way back here.

That was Wendy, wasn't it? Oh, let me guess.

[ Latin Accent ] "In my village, you don't kiss women of men you're trying to help."

This is America. Love it or leave it, sister.

You're gonna hate yourself for this.

Then when you go to Hallmark to get a card to make up for it,

you're not gonna find one because it is too specific.

When you go into the Witness Protection Program, do they let you pick your own name?

'Cause if I ever witness anything, I'm gonna name myself Crash Fistfight.

Damn. That's a good one.

Oh, no.

That woman's lost her mind.

What the hell were you thinkin', plastering my face on that thing?

If you have information about the missin' person, please call the number on the billboard.

Let me in for five minutes so we can talk.

I don't want to teach my boys it's okay to let strangers in the house.

Joy, you have to take that thing down.

As soon as you tell me who you are, I will.

Dang it, baby. I can't.

When I was Harry Monroe, I had to give up everything because of what I knew, and I didn't care.

But if I tell you my secret now, I could lose everything again.

And this time I do care, because I love you.

I can't start my life over without you. Don't you understand?

I can't tell you the truth because I love you too much, stupid.

Joy!

I love you too, stupid.

Promise you'll never kill me? Promise.

[ Cell Phone Rings ]

Hello.

Yes, I know that's Darnell Turner.

No. There's no reward, Randy.

[ Earl Narrating ] When I got to the Crab Shack,

I knew I was doin' wrong 'cause I had that tingly feelin' in my gut...

I used to get before breakin' into a house. Hey.

Hey. I put in 10 bucks of Skynyrd. I hope that's okay.

I hope you didn't put it all on D-4,

'cause it says "Free Bird," but it's really "Let's Hear It for the Boy."

Will?

Hi, Wendy. Oh, God, look at me.

All of this. I didn't think I'd ever see you again.

What the hell happened? You just disappeared.

I'm sorry. I sent you a letter, but it never got there,

but I thought it did, so I thought you didn't like me.

Then I found out you didn't get the letter, so I was gettin' in shape so I could talk to you.

Then this little Mexican lady told me...

I had to tell you how I felt or I might lose you forever. I love you.

Oh, my God, Will. Why didn't you ever say so?

I'm so happy.

Come on. We need to leave these two to talk.

I'll buy you a beer.

You messed with my list item. No, you messed with your list item.

I just fixed it for you before you ruined it for everybody.

I also did something very bad to your toothbrush. Don't ask. Just throw it out.

I can see why you do your list.

It is a very good feeling.

[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I learned that sometimes with the list...

other people get the good feelin', and I just feel like I've been punched in the gut.

And although Catalina probably did the right thing,

well, it didn't mean I was happy with her.

It had been a long week for everybody,

and Darnell was happy that the billboard was down and Joy had taken him back.

We're glad you're back, Daddy. It's good to be back.

But he still had a secret.

A secret he was just itchin' to tell.

Will you tell us a bedtime story?

Yeah. I think I have a story I could tell you.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Harry Monroe--

[ No Audible Dialogue ]