All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S02E07.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

Was there another shoot-out?
No.

Some drunk guys
tried to shoot down
a hot air balloon.

They got it on fire,
then it drifted out of sight.

What's with the tiny suit?
Well, a few years back,

I used to think it was funny
to get drunk and pull wigs
off old ladies' heads.

[ Giggles ]
They were always like--
[ Sobbing ]

Anyway,
I was at the beauty parlor
making up for it,

and one of the old ladies
was so grateful,

she gave me
her dead husband's
best suit as a thank-you.

- I think it's too small.
- But she said he was my size
before he started shrinking.

I figure, in 40 years,
it'll fit perfect.

You always get a good feeling
from what you do-- or a suit.

I spent my morning
sweeping up bullet casings
and a variety of fancy cheeses.

- Fancy cheeses?
- The people in the hot air
balloon fought back.

I caught a cell phone
and a shoe.

I feel bad for you,
Catalina.
Tell you what.

You can do a list item with me.
You might get a good feelin'.

Or a dead man's suit.
Thank you.
I'd love to.

[ Cell Phone Rings ]

Hello.
[ Man ]
Is Penelope there?

No, she's not.
[ Indistinct ]

Last time I saw her, she was
floatin' towards the freeway.
Thank you.

Wonder how
you change the ringer
on this thing.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Catalina was excited
to help me with my list...

'cause she was hopin'
doin' somethin' good
would make her feel good.

I guess karma's contagious.
We were takin' care
of number 75--

- used the mailbox
as a trash can.
- [ Both Groaning ]

Ew! It smells like
that stab wound
you wouldn't get looked at.

[ Earl Narrating ]
A couple years back,

they moved the Dumpster across
the road in the trailer park.

It was more convenient
for the trashmen but less
convenient for me and Randy.

And because things
that are easy become habit,

pretty soon we were usin'
the mailbox for all our trash.

We knew it was wrong,
but we were lazy.

I found some letters.

I think they've been
stuck for a while.

Shamrock milk shake.
That was a good day.

Oh, man. These letters
never got delivered
because of us.

We gotta give 'em back
to the people who sent 'em.

This kind of thing happens
all the time on the list.

You're doin' one thing,
and bam, it's somethin' else.

If you'd been watchin' him
do this as long as I have,
you'd know that.

I'm kind of second in charge
of the list.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since Randy was the one
drinkin' shamrock flavor,

he agreed to take his letter
back, while me and Catalina
took care of chocolate.

It was never delivered?

This is a love letter
to a woman that I worked with,

and when she didn't respond
to me, I was humiliated.

I quit my job so I wouldn't
have to face her again!

Should we run?
No, this happens
sometimes with the list.

- He'll be fine.
- Damn it!

You might want to take
a couple steps back.

[ Giggling ]

Hey, Joy, can you help me?
Only thing
that'll help your...

worthless-never-achieve-
anything-in-your-
waste-of-breath-life...

is if somebody drowned
you in a river.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm just giving you
a hard time, sweetie.
What you need?

I'm tryin' to return
this letter for Earl's list,

but the address
has a shamrock smudge.

I've been askin' everyone
in the trailer park to help me
figure out who wrote it.

That's easy.
Earl says it's illegal
to open other people's mail.

That's the good thing
about havin' three strikes.

You don't have to worry
about the stupid laws anymore.
Wish I had three strikes.

You will someday.

What the-- Darnell!

You want to tell me why
I have a Witness Protection
Program letter...

sayin' that your
real name is Harry Monroe?
Uh, I don't know.

[ Earl Narrating ]
That was a lie.
In fact,

Darnell had an entire past
he'd never told Joy
anything about.

As soon as
you get out of this van,
you become Darnell Turner.

All the documents you need--
birth certificate,
driver's license, et cetera--

are in this envelope.

Cool.

What do you mean,
"I don't know"?

Okay. My real name
is Harry Monroe,

and the Witness Protection
Program moved me
to Camden County...

because there was
a mix-up in the paperwork.

Some tobacco company
executive ended up
in Compton.

- He only lasted two days.
- Wait a minute.

Is Mr. Turtle
in the program too?

Is he even really a turtle,
or is he a lizard
disguised in a shell?

-It doesn't go that deep, Randy.
-Look,
Mr. Whatever-Your-Name-Is.

I am not gonna live with
a stranger. For all I know, you
could be the Son of Sam killer.

So either you tell me
who you really are,
or find another place to live.

Sorry, baby. I can't.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After Will punched three more
holes in his trailer,

he cried a little,
then invited us in.

This is such a beautiful letter.

"I know we're friends,
but sometimes it seems
like something more.

[ Mouthing Words ]
"Give me a sign
about how you feel.

Love, your buddy."

I never knew
where I stood with Wendy.

We'd talk
on the phone for hours,

we'd go to the movies,
but whenever
we'd say good-bye,

she'd kiss me on my cheek.

- What was the kiss like?
Show me.
- Yeah.

No, not on me.
I can't see it
if you do it on me.

Do it on Earl.

Yeah. It seems like
she liked you.

I don't know. It was halfway
between the ear and the lips.
It could go either way.

Yeah. See?
That's what I'm talkin' about.

And then look at
this CD she burned me.

"Feel Like Making Love."
Nice.

"You're My Best Friend."

"Stroke Me."
You're lookin' good again.

"That's What Friends Are For,"

"You Got a Friend"
and "Ooh, Ooh, That Smell."

This girl is definitely
hard to read.

But now that
you got the letter,
you could give it another try.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't give her
that letter now.

We used to work together
as personal trainers.

No, when Wendy knew me,
I looked like that.

Oh, my God.
You used to be hot.

What happened to you?

Uh, don't mind her.

Uh, she's new
with helpin' people,
and, uh, her life sucks.

She came to this country
in a box.

You look like
this guy's skinny, ugly,
homeless brother.

Uh, it was a small box,
built for a monkey.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Catalina wanted me to keep the
letter while Will got in shape.

She was afraid he might deliver
it without her, and she'd miss
out on her good feelin'.

[ TV: Chattering ]
Where have you been?

Tracked down the letter dude.
Then I drove Catalina to
Club Chubby for her shift.

Did you know they have
a dancer in a wheelchair now?

It's kinda different.
Like, for a lap dance,
you sit on her lap.

And if you give her a good tip,
she wheels you out to your car.

[ Toilet Flushes ]

- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crabman.

What's Crabman
doin' here in his p.j.'s?

Oh, he's in the Witness
Protection Program,

and Joy found out
because of the letter
I delivered,

and Darnell
wouldn't tell Joy
why he's in the program.

So Joy threw him out,
and I told him
he could live here.

Fair enough.
I'll ask for
extra towels tomorrow.

- Good night, Crabman.
- Good night, Earl.

[ All Snoring ]
[ Banging ]

Is it the witness
protectors?

No. They're very polite.
They usually hit my pager
before they come over.

What about the people
they're witness-protectin'
you from?

I'd imagine they'd knock
and then start shootin'
when they see me.

All right.
You better hide then.

Will?
I'm havin'
a bad night, Earl.

I heard Wendy's still single,
and I started to think,

what if she meets a guy
before I get back into shape?

Hmm?

Oh, I'm sorry.
You're havin'
a little private thing.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That-That-That's just
my brother. We share a room.

They don't have rooms
with two beds here?

They do,
but not with a pool view.

But look. It's not weird.
We're family.

Oh, right. Uh, that's
our friend Darnell. He's,
uh, spendin' the night.

He's, uh, under the covers
'cause, uh--

Look, buddy.
Don't worry about Wendy.

It's not like she's gonna
fall in love overnight.
Love takes time.

I disagree, Earl.

When I fall for someone,
it happens in an instant.

Your lover's right.

If she falls for someone,
I could lose her forever.

What am I gonna do
if I lose her forever?

He could lose her
forever, Earl.

I heard him.
I can't lose her again.

- He can't lose her again.
- If I lose her forever,

you'll never be able to
cross me off your list.

How you gonna cross me off your
list if she finds another guy?
I don't know.

The list!
I forgot about the list.

- What are you gonna do, Earl?
- I don't know.

- You have to know!
- What are we gonna do?

- Answer him, Earl!
- I told you. I don't know.

Earl.

Why don't you just
go down to the gym...

and keep an eye on Wendy
until Will's ready
to talk to her?

Oh.
Smart and handsome.
I can see why you're with him.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So I took Darnell's advice...

and went to the gym
Wendy worked at
to keep an eye on her.

I'd like to try that two weeks
free Better Badonkadonk
Bonanza membership thing.

I even requested Wendy
as my personal trainer.

I already knew
my way around a gym,
but I figured...

it would be an easy way
to keep guys away from her.
Hey. Are you Earl Hickey?

Problem was, I didn't know how
I was gonna protect her from me.

[ Voice Cracking ]
Yeah, I'm Earl Hickey.

[ TV: Chattering ]

I got a problem.
This Wendy chick
is pretty hot.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Not just any kind of hot.
The kind of hot...

that makes you walk up
stairs to nowhere
long past the point...

when you realized you should've
worn something more supportive.

Wow. You're really kicking ass.
Yeah, well, I've been
walkin' up stairs my whole life.

Sometimes two at a time.
[ Chuckles ]

And she wasn't
just hot either.
She was cool.

So, AC/DC, huh?
I met those dudes once.

Seriously?
Yeah. My mom was...

one of the groupies
Bon Scott was doin' around
the time that he died.

She brought me
to Bon's funeral.
Get out of town.

Honest to God. I even
got a picture with him.

It was open casket.
[ Mouths Word ]

Guys, I think I like Wendy.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
No. No. No.

No, that's Will's girl. You
can't do this to me, Earl. You
can't screw up my only chance...

to cross something
off your list
and get a good feeling.

I need this in my life.
I scrub toilets all day,
and at night...

I dance for drunk losers
who flick nickels at my ass.

I'm going crazy.

I need to feel good
about something before
I kill someone again.

What?

You said you were
gonna kill someone.

It's a figure of speech.
"I'm gonna kill someone."

Yeah, but you, uh--
You said "again."

You did. You said
"kill someone again."

Okay. Fine.
So long as we're
looking under rocks,

why are you
sharing a bed
with the Crabman?

Hey, hey, hey.
Don't drag me into this, girl.

Look. Relax. I said I like her.
I didn't say I was gonna
do anything about it.

Besides, it's not like
she likes me back.

Fine. But if you think
she starts liking you,
you better back off.

You're not messing
this up for me, Earl.
You understand?

I understand.

[ Whispers ]
Murderer.

- What?
- What? Oh, nothin'.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

- How are things
goin' with Joy?
- Not so good.

[ Earl Narrating ]
In fact, Joy was so mad that
no matter what Darnell tried,

she wouldn't take him back
until he told her the truth.
[ All Harmonizing ] * Joy *

[ Synthesized Voice ]
* Joy **

I love you, baby.
[ High-pitched Voice ]
I love you, baby.

I can't bear
to be without you.

I'm sorry, babe.
I got it at a costume shop.

For some reason,
it seemed like it was
gonna be a good idea.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So I went back to
keepin' guys away from Wendy.

But the more I did it, the more
I wondered if I was doin' it
to help Will or to help me.

- Aaah!
- Oh, my-- my bad.

Uh, you should
put some ice on that
before it leaves a mark.

I knew it didn't matter
if I was attracted to her...

as long as she didn't
start becomin' attracted to me.

And I thought I was in the clear
until she made me a mix CD.

Listen to this.
"Feel Like Making Love."

"You're My Best Friend."
"Do Me."

"Don't Do Me Like That."
"I Want Your Sex."

"Don't Stand So Close to Me."
This girl's impossible to read.
Yeah.

George Michael with Tom Petty?

Are we partyin'
or just hangin' out?

[ Earl Narrating ]
One time when her car
was in the shop,

I gave her a ride home,
and she kissed me.

But it was exactly halfway
between my cheek and my ear.

Things were gettin'
hard to read.

But when Wendy came by
to use the pool,
everything became a lot clearer.

Anytime a girl
almost pulls her arms
out of their sockets...

instead of askin' a guy
to help with the lotion,
well, they're just friends.

You want some help?
Nope. I got it.

- [ Pager Beeping ]
- Oh, crap. That's work.

Hey. Can I use your phone?
Sure. Upstairs, next to
the room with the chalk outline.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was a little hurt
she didn't like me.

I knew it was probably
for the best,

but it always hurts when
someone doesn't like you
as much as you like them.

Still, it was a relief
when I realized I hadn't
screwed everything up for Will.

I brought your shoes.

There's a turtle livin'
here lately, and he likes
to go for toes.

Earl, this letter--

You read it?
Uh, listen. I can explain.

You weren't supposed
to see that yet. See--

"Give me a sign
about how you feel.
Love, your buddy."

Well, how's this
for a sign, buddy?

That's when I realized--
she didn't know
the letter was from Will.

Sorry.

Sorry to be so forward.
I, um--

I once let a great guy
I work with slip away...

because I was too scared
to show him how I felt.
Did ya now?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Wendy told me about
makin' Will a mix CD...

and how she was too scared to
give him the first one she made
that was all love songs.

She talked about how stupid
she felt for bein' too scared
to ever kiss Will on the lips.

[ Frustrated Groan ]
The more Wendy talked,

the more I realized
she had deep feelings for Will.

I was doin' all the same
stupid stuff with you.

I was even too scared
to ask you to help me
put lotion on my back.

So, this-- this guy--
this Will--

you-- you loved him?

Yeah, but he disappeared.
I don't know
what happened to him.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew at that moment I could
make two people very happy.

And one of those people
was gonna be me.

Well, his loss.

I knew I should've
told the truth, but, well,
sometimes that's hard to do.

Especially when you have
a teeny bit of someone
else's tongue in your mouth.

[ Clears Throat ]

Oh, I guess they want to
clean your room.

Well, I gotta get back
to work anyway.

Hey, maybe later we can
meet up at the Crab Shack
and finally have a real date.

[ Whispers ]
And then maybe
work our way back here.

That was Wendy, wasn't it?
Oh, let me guess.

[ Latin Accent ] "In my
village, you don't kiss women
of men you're trying to help."

This is America.
Love it or leave it, sister.

You're gonna
hate yourself for this.

Then when you go to
Hallmark to get a card
to make up for it,

you're not gonna find one
because it is too specific.

When you go into the Witness
Protection Program, do they
let you pick your own name?

'Cause if I ever
witness anything, I'm gonna
name myself Crash Fistfight.

Damn. That's a good one.

Oh, no.

That woman's lost her mind.

What the hell were
you thinkin', plastering
my face on that thing?

If you have information about
the missin' person, please call
the number on the billboard.

Let me in for five minutes
so we can talk.

I don't want to teach my boys
it's okay to let strangers
in the house.

Joy, you have to
take that thing down.

As soon as you tell me
who you are, I will.

Dang it, baby.
I can't.

When I was Harry Monroe, I had
to give up everything because of
what I knew, and I didn't care.

But if I tell you my secret now,
I could lose everything again.

And this time I do care,
because I love you.

I can't start my life
over without you.
Don't you understand?

I can't tell you the truth
because I love you
too much, stupid.

Joy!

I love you too, stupid.

Promise you'll never
kill me?
Promise.

[ Cell Phone Rings ]

Hello.

Yes, I know
that's Darnell Turner.

No. There's
no reward, Randy.

[ Earl Narrating ]
When I got to the Crab Shack,

I knew I was doin' wrong
'cause I had that tingly
feelin' in my gut...

I used to get before
breakin' into a house.
Hey.

Hey. I put in
10 bucks of Skynyrd.
I hope that's okay.

I hope you didn't
put it all on D-4,

'cause it says "Free Bird,"
but it's really
"Let's Hear It for the Boy."

Will?

Hi, Wendy.
Oh, God, look at me.

All of this.
I didn't think
I'd ever see you again.

What the hell happened?
You just disappeared.

I'm sorry.
I sent you a letter,
but it never got there,

but I thought it did,
so I thought
you didn't like me.

Then I found out you didn't get
the letter, so I was gettin' in
shape so I could talk to you.

Then this little
Mexican lady told me...

I had to tell you
how I felt or I might lose
you forever. I love you.

Oh, my God, Will.
Why didn't you ever say so?

I'm so happy.

Come on.
We need to leave
these two to talk.

I'll buy you a beer.

You messed with my list item.
No, you messed with
your list item.

I just fixed it for you
before you ruined it
for everybody.

I also did something very bad
to your toothbrush. Don't ask.
Just throw it out.

I can see why
you do your list.

It is a very good feeling.

[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I learned
that sometimes with the list...

other people get the good
feelin', and I just feel like
I've been punched in the gut.

And although Catalina
probably did the right thing,

well, it didn't mean
I was happy with her.

It had been a long week
for everybody,

and Darnell was happy that
the billboard was down
and Joy had taken him back.

We're glad you're
back, Daddy.
It's good to be back.

But he still had a secret.

A secret he was
just itchin' to tell.

Will you tell us
a bedtime story?

Yeah. I think I have
a story I could tell you.

Once upon a time,
there was a man
named Harry Monroe--

[ No Audible Dialogue ]