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1
00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:04,172
[ Earl Narrating ]
Me and Randy love watchin'
old war movies,
2
00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:06,240
but sometimes
they'll trick you.
3
00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:08,609
You think it'll be cool,
with gunfights and explosions,
4
00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,844
but then you end up
just gettin' uncomfortable.
5
00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:14,482
Oh, my God, Johnny.
They shot ya.
6
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:17,218
Ricky, tell Mom
I said good-bye.
7
00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,019
You can't die, Johnny.
You're my only brother.
8
00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:21,155
[ Johnny ]
I'm sorry.
9
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:24,825
I just wanna tell you one thing
before I go, Ricky.
10
00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:27,128
I love you.
11
00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:30,231
[ Earl Narrating ]
See, Randy and I are as close
as two brothers can be.
12
00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:33,667
We've just never actually
said "I love you."
13
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:38,072
I know it's hard to hear,
and Lord knows it's hard to say,
14
00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:41,542
but sometimes brothers
need to tell each other
those simple words.
15
00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:43,444
I love you.
16
00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:46,947
[ Ricky ] God, Johnny. Why do
brothers wait till the end of
their lives to say these things?
17
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:49,049
I love ya too, Johnny.
18
00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:04,232
I'm gonna go drop a deuce.
I'm gonna go squish bugs.
19
00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,800
My name is Earl.
20
00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:12,706
[ Both Laughing ]
21
00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:18,779
Do you ever tell your brothers
or sisters that you love 'em?
22
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:23,317
There's one I would say it to,
two who would say it to me,
but I would not say it back,
23
00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:25,319
one who would interpret it
sexually...
24
00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:27,288
and three I cannot
locate since the flood.
25
00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:31,492
Hey, mo. I need to use
your car to go to Henderson.
Subaru's got ants in it again.
26
00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:33,527
You just need to find
where the queen lives.
27
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,596
Queen lives on a Blow Pop
under the driver's seat.
28
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,698
Every time I reach for it,
her soldiers attack me.
29
00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:40,568
It's just a Blow Pop.
They'll be done in a few days.
30
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,536
- They got, like,
a million tongues.
- Can't wait.
31
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,738
Stupid deaf lawyer's got me
drivin' all over state...
32
00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:47,275
gettin' people to drop
the various restrainin' orders
they got against me.
33
00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:49,843
- Says it'll help me in court.
- Who's in Henderson?
34
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:52,346
The girl in the wheelchair
that you pushed down the hill?
35
00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,248
No, that little line-cutter
lives in Nathanville.
36
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:57,285
Remember that cranky bat
with the hearin' aid that
used to manage the trailer park?
37
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,620
[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy was speakin'
of Millie Banks.
38
00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:01,655
Citation.
39
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:06,160
No La-Z-Boys on the lawn
unless they match the color
of the mobile home.
40
00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:10,398
Twenty dollars?
Yep. There goes your
book money for the decade.
41
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,534
Citation.
42
00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:15,669
Christmas-light reindeer
still on the lawn.
43
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,638
It's April.
44
00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:20,241
What are you talkin' about?
That-- That's an Easter pig.
45
00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:22,943
Don't blaspheme
the resurrection, jerk.
46
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,346
You got a citation
for that too?
47
00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:28,682
Oh, you'll get
your citation... in hell.
48
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:34,955
** [ Heavy Metal On Stereo ]
Citation. No speakers
in your window on weekdays.
49
00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:39,059
You can't even half-hear
outta that stupid hearin' aid
in your ear anyway.
50
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:41,662
- I can feel the bass notes.
- You can feel the bass notes.
51
00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:44,432
- I got a bass note for ya.
- You know what?
This is America.
52
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,935
I think you like
the bass notes.
[ Voices Become Muffled ]
53
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:53,073
[ Both Muffled, Indistinct ]
54
00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:56,444
[ Both Continue, Muffled ]
55
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:59,480
I hate her! I hate her
like the Taliban hate freedom!
** [ Heavy Metal On Radio ]
56
00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:03,150
And how are we supposed to
listen to heavy metal
on a wimpy little tape player?
57
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:05,553
- [ Randy ]
It's craziness.
- Today we can't have bass.
58
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,356
Tomorrow my illegal fireworks
won't even be legal.
59
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,891
** [ Switches Off ]
We gotta fight back.
60
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:14,395
[ Earl Narrating ]
The plan was to lure Millie...
61
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:17,665
away from her preacher shows
long enough to go steal stuff.
62
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:20,601
But you had to be extra sneaky
about stealin' from Millie.
63
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:24,104
Back off my birdseed,
you tree rat!
64
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:26,073
[ Earl Narrating ]
Millie was packin' heat.
65
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:27,941
[ Squirrel Chittering ]
[ Laughing ]
66
00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:31,144
You guys ready to do this?
67
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,581
Breaker 1-9,
this here's the Rubber Duck.
68
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:36,049
You got a copy on me,
Pigpen? Come on.
69
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:38,452
Nice. "Convoy."
They should make more
movies out of country songs.
70
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,291
* We got a great big convoy *
71
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:45,225
* Rockin' through the night *
72
00:03:45,293 --> 00:03:48,296
* Yeah, we got
a great big convoy
Ain't she a beautiful sight *
73
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:51,999
* Come on and join our convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna
get in our way *
74
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:56,904
* We gonna roll this truckin'
convoy cross the U.S.A. *
75
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,872
* Convoy *
76
00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,443
* Convoy **
77
00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:04,912
10-4, Rubber Duck.
Pigpen's got his ears on.
78
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:09,082
- You have to push
the button down.
- Can you hear me?
79
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,852
Hello?
Yes, I can hear you.
80
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:15,723
Who is that?
81
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:18,426
Is her hearin' aid pickin' up
my walkie-talkie?
82
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,461
[ Earl ]
Hello?
83
00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:23,331
Is that you, Lord?
84
00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:27,901
Oh, snap. Go on.
Talk to her. Be God.
85
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:30,638
[ Clears Throat ]
86
00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:33,307
- Yes, it is I, God.
- [ Chuckles ]
87
00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:35,509
I was in
the "neighborhoodeth,"
88
00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:39,447
and I wanted to test
thou's faith.
89
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:43,016
I am yours.
Test me as you will.
90
00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:48,622
- "Putteth" thy left foot in.
- [ Chuckling ]
91
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:54,628
"Putteth" thy left foot out.
92
00:04:57,765 --> 00:05:01,502
"Putteth" thy left foot in...
93
00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:04,237
and "shaketh" it all about.
94
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,674
[ All Chuckling ]
95
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:09,610
[ Earl Narrating ]
After the Hokey Pokey,
some toe-touches...
96
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,645
and a badly failed
cartwheel,
97
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:14,247
we put our powers
to more practical use.
98
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:19,853
Now "rippeth" up
all thy Mobile Home Owners
Association citations...
99
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:25,192
and "baketh" yummy dessert items
for thy neighbors.
100
00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,060
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was fun bein' God,
101
00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:29,997
but we found that great power
came with great responsibility,
102
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,132
includin' making sure
the yummy desserts were yummy.
103
00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,468
Do not "maketh" carrot cake.
104
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:38,171
The Lord hates carrot cake.
It is the devil's food.
105
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:41,174
But that doesn't mean
don't make devil's food cake.
106
00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:43,343
I love that stuff.
107
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:47,948
[ Earl Narrating ]
On the sixth day,
we went for the gold.
108
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,183
[ Earl On Walkie-talkie ]
That's right, your gold.
109
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:53,253
And your silver.
Anything pawnable.
110
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,690
Give it to the pawn lady
across the way
with the nice rear end.
111
00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:01,429
I'm a man.
I notice things.
112
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:04,998
[ Earl Narrating ]
That was our last commandment.
We had bled Millie dry.
113
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:09,269
I don't know why he asked me
to give you this stuff.
114
00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:13,040
He's mysterious.
He also makes hurricanes
and gave nipples to men.
115
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,709
The important thing is,
you do what he tells you to.
116
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,746
Are you wearin' earrings?
117
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,383
[ Earl Narrating ]
And from the seventh day on,
we rested.
118
00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:26,119
I'll get that signed for you.
I should probably
go see Millie anyway.
119
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:29,189
She's on my list--
made a lady think I was God.
120
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,492
Thanks, Earl.
121
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:35,563
When I was a child, there was
a man who lived in a box by
the dump who told me he was God.
122
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:38,632
How old were you
when you realized he was
just a crazy old homeless guy?
123
00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:40,934
Please don't talk about God
that way.
124
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:46,206
Hey, Darnell, you ever tell
your sister you love her?
125
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:49,877
Once when I thought
she was dead, but she was just
passed out from low blood sugar.
126
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:52,513
I'm still glad I said it.
Now they have her on insulin.
127
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:55,015
Who knows when I'll get
another chance?
128
00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,285
[ Earl Narrating ]
We got to Henderson late...
129
00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,821
'cause Randy
turned the directions
into a paper airplane...
130
00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:03,290
to see if it would lift the car
off the ground.
131
00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:06,126
It didn't,
and we lost the directions.
132
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,662
I brought Millie replacements
for the things we stole.
133
00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:11,298
I was hopin' she'd see
all that "voice of God" stuff...
134
00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:14,167
as, well,
a harmless prank.
135
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,069
What is this place?
A convent?
136
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:18,271
* We got a great big convent
truckin' through-- *
137
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:20,874
Nuns. Nuns. Nuns.
138
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:24,578
Excuse me.
Uh, do you know
a Millie Banks?
139
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:27,615
Sister Millie?
Yes, she's inside.
140
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,619
Sister Millie?
141
00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:34,321
I bet nuns are awesome
basketball players,
142
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:36,890
especially the ones
who can fly.
143
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,226
[ Earl Narrating ]
In addition to thinkin'
nuns could fly,
144
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:42,530
Randy also thought
they were pretty,
but knew that that was wrong,
145
00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:44,632
and tried hard
not to focus on it.
146
00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:48,268
Peace be with you.
147
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:52,906
Uh, we were told, uh,
Millie Banks was here.
I-- I guess she's a nun.
148
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:57,578
Millie's not just a nun.
No, no. She's special.
149
00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,813
She's his favorite.
150
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,684
We're all brides of God,
Sister Kate.
He loves all of us.
151
00:08:03,751 --> 00:08:07,454
But he only speaks
to some of us.
152
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:11,692
Sister Millie heard
the direct voice of God...
12 times.
153
00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:13,927
Three decades I've been here.
154
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,964
All I ever got
was a heat rash
shaped like Palestine.
155
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,637
[ Earl Narrating ] It was a
reflective area, and we weren't
allowed to talk to each other.
156
00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:26,073
So Randy couldn't tell me
when he got distracted...
157
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:28,976
by the most beautiful room
he'd ever seen.
158
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:35,583
We later learned
those were prayer candles
and not birthday-wish candles.
159
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:39,687
Luckily, before blowin' 'em out,
he wished for everyone's
prayers to come true.
160
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:46,526
There she is--
the Lord whisperer.
161
00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:50,063
* Frère Jacques
Frère Jacques *
162
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:53,000
[ Bell Tolling ]
* Dormez-vous
Dormez-vous *
163
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:58,305
* La-la-la-la-tina
La-la-la-la-tina *
164
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,373
* Ding, dang, dong *
165
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,944
* Ding, dang, dong **
166
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:06,379
N-Nun Millie?
[ Bell Tolling Ends ]
167
00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:10,818
Oh, my goodness.
I remember you.
168
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:15,388
What a neat surprise!
How is that cuddly
brother of yours?
169
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:18,425
And that adorable bride?
170
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:21,762
I know.
I'm nice now.
171
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:24,598
Weird, huh?
[ Chuckles ]
172
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,967
[ Earl Narrating ]
I explained to Millie about
Joy's restrainin' order,
173
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:29,837
and she was
happy to help out.
174
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,241
There you go.
175
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:37,010
I was a real turd
in the hot tub back then,
176
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:40,413
but now I throw
birthday parties for orphans.
177
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,983
It's great, 'cause their parents
really haven't spoiled 'em.
178
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:46,453
'Cause they don't have any.
That's touching.
179
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,722
I make all
the cakes myself.
180
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:51,391
That's how I met
little Celeste here.
181
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:53,426
I used to live
in a storm drain.
182
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,495
Rain washed
my doll heads away.
183
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:59,366
That sounds horrible.
I once lived in my car
for two months.
184
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:03,070
Did you ever have to move
'cause a pack of stray dogs
kicked you out of your house?
185
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,743
Let's not
make this a contest.
186
00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:11,912
Well, I'm glad
I could help Joy.
187
00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:14,314
You could bring her
some cake if you want to.
188
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:18,418
Well, actually, uh,
I'm not here just for Joy.
189
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:20,387
I-I'm here because,
190
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:23,857
see, I got this list
of all the bad things
I've done to people,
191
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,827
and, you see,
that voice of God
you were hearin'--
192
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:30,130
that was--
193
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,099
well, that was me.
194
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,601
Yeah, right.
195
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,170
Did Sister Kate
put you up to this?
196
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:40,841
I mean, the fact that
the Lord talked to me
really gets her habit in a wad.
197
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,612
[ Sighs ]
198
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:49,282
"Waxeth" thy neighbor's
El Camino.
199
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,885
Oh, my goodness.
200
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:55,255
"Showeth" thy hindquarters
to the mailman.
201
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:58,491
Yeah, I get it.
I get it. It was you.
202
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:02,996
Okay.
That's good to know.
203
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,633
It was a nice trick.
204
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:09,402
I suppose I had it comin'.
205
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:14,307
Man, you really got me.
206
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:19,046
You made me start a whole new
life based on lies.
207
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:22,182
Filthy, stinking,
rotten lies!
208
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:25,986
You threw out
my birthday cake!
209
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:29,022
Oh, like you've never eaten
out of a trash can before!
210
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:35,763
- [ Paper Tearing ]
- Is there anyone on your list
who wants a daughter?
211
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:38,698
I don't know.
Hold on.
212
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:43,503
Yeah, right here.
213
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:47,307
Oh, wait.
Uh, he wants a son.
214
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,051
Yeah.
215
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,192
[ Earl Narrating ]
I thought tellin' Millie
the truth...
216
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:08,161
about pretendin'
to be the voice of God
would be a good thing.
217
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,463
But instead of
makin' things better,
218
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:12,332
well, it made things
a lot worse.
219
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,468
She left the convent and moved
back to the trailer park.
220
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,504
And she was
angrier than ever.
221
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:21,708
She kicked up more trouble
than that tornado
that took everyone's pets.
222
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:23,777
She stopped watchin'
her preacher shows,
223
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:27,214
washin' her hair
and waterin' her plants.
224
00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:38,158
She didn't even enjoy her
daily grilled cheese anymore.
225
00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,227
And she seemed
even angrier at squirrels.
226
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:42,162
Die!
227
00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:44,231
[ Slingshot Fires ]
[ Squirrel Chitters ]
228
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:47,434
It's wild.
You doing right actually
did this lady wrong.
229
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,369
That's what I was thinkin'.
230
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,639
- Only not worded clever
like that.
- Way to go, dummy.
231
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:56,143
Not only is Millie not cancelin'
my restrainin' order, but now
she broke Darnell's heart.
232
00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:59,847
Tell him, Darnell.
Yeah, she--
233
00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:02,349
She, um-- She-- She--
234
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:05,152
- She evicted Mr. Turtle.
- [ Gasps ]
From his shell?
235
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:09,789
Well, that's where he lives.
236
00:13:09,857 --> 00:13:12,325
[ Earl Narrating ]
Millie was an equal
opportunity harasser.
237
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,527
She picked on all races,
creeds and species.
238
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:16,830
Hey, shrub head.
239
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,999
That your turtle?
240
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:22,235
No one owns Mr. Turtle,
but he is my friend.
241
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:25,105
Well, your friend's gonna
have to be gone by tomorrow.
242
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,640
There's no reptiles allowed
in the trailer park.
243
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:29,576
Unless you wanna
make soup.
244
00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:38,151
Joy!
245
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:43,123
Yeah, now I gotta find
the little guy a foster home.
246
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,926
Earl. Earl. Earl. Earl.
247
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:48,761
Earl. Earl.
Yeah, we can be
foster parents.
248
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,830
Yes!
I love turtles.
249
00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:54,301
I love turtles too.
Especially you.
250
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:57,938
God, why do men
wait so long to tell
their turtles how they feel?
251
00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:01,174
They need to say those
simple words-- "I love you."
252
00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:07,414
This sucks
the big one, Earl.
253
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,083
I know. I'm sorry, guys.
I feel awful about this.
254
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:12,185
The list is
supposed to help people,
255
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:15,422
not screw everything up
and kick turtles out of
their home.
256
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,925
Don't worry, Darnell.
You can come over
whenever you want.
257
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:19,859
But give it a couple weeks.
258
00:14:19,927 --> 00:14:22,996
We don't wanna make this
more confusing for him
than it already is.
259
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:25,565
You should
make her go back.
260
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,069
If everyone was happy
when that lady was a nun,
261
00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:31,071
you have to make
her go back.
262
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:34,874
Give her a sign or something,
like a burning sheep walking
through the middle of town.
263
00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:36,743
That's what made my brother
be a priest.
264
00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:40,080
At the risk of
agreeing with the maid,
she's got a point.
265
00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:43,250
- I say we torch a sheep.
- We're not torchin' a sheep.
266
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,852
But the whole sign thing
isn't a bad idea.
267
00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:49,189
We made her a nun
the first time.
Maybe we can do it again.
268
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:51,758
We're gonna have
so much fun together,
Mr. Turtle.
269
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:55,128
Can I call you
by your first name?
He doesn't have one.
270
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,897
Then I'll give you one.
Randy.
271
00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:02,002
[ Earl Narrating ] We needed
to find a sign to put Millie
back on the righteous path,
272
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,971
so we stole Bibles
from the motel.
273
00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:08,008
I'm tellin' you,
we drive her down to SeaWorld
and get a whale to swallow her.
274
00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:11,611
- That'd be a sign.
- Those are Shamu whales.
They'd chew her up first.
275
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:15,015
Fine. What if we went down
to SeaWorld and got the penguins
to do a nativity scene?
276
00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,217
Randy, we're not
goin' to SeaWorld.
277
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,419
I think we should go back
to my locust idea.
278
00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:22,755
I don't know.
Locusts are tricky.
You can't reason with 'em.
279
00:15:22,822 --> 00:15:25,525
Got it!
Right here.
280
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:31,131
[ Earl Narrating ]
We thought turnin' water
into wine might be cool.
281
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:35,268
We hoped Millie would be
as impressed as the people
in ancient Jesus time.
282
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,906
Unfortunately, a birdbath full
of wine in a trailer park...
283
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:42,675
will last about as long as,
284
00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:46,013
well, a birdbath full of wine
in a trailer park.
[ Snoring ]
285
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:50,617
We found this incredible miracle
in the Bible that Randy was
really excited about tryin'.
286
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:54,421
Apparently, some guy named
Balaam had a talkin' ass.
287
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,756
Randy couldn't wait
to show Millie his.
288
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:59,326
Earl, wait!
Wait!
289
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,394
I just read
the whole thing.
290
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:05,765
The ass was Balaam's donkey.
It was a talkin' donkey.
291
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:08,301
Randy, plan's off!
Abort!
292
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:11,438
[ Earl Narrating ]
I started to realize
miracles are really hard.
293
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:15,308
I guess that's why
they're usually just done
by God and TV magicians.
294
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,413
Then I had the answer.
295
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,916
Don't make the beard
too long.
296
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,753
I know how to burn a Jesus face
in a grilled cheese, Earl.
297
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,322
Suit yourself.
He's just lookin'
a little ZZ Top is all.
298
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,258
Fine.
299
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,761
I think it looks
like Abe Lincoln.
300
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:38,098
If only we had a
Stephen Douglas grilled cheese,
we could make them debate.
301
00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:40,200
Yeah. I don't
know who that is,
302
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,369
but I love the idea
of grilled cheese arguin'.
303
00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:46,073
[ Earl Narrating ]
After three hours
of fryin' cheese,
304
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,375
we finally got
our magic sandwich.
305
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,343
Then we had to lure Millie
away from hers.
306
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,612
** [ Heavy Metal On Stereo ]
307
00:16:55,082 --> 00:16:57,850
Bass notes.
308
00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,752
** [ Continues ]
309
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:04,357
[ Earl Narrating ]
I never saw a real miracle,
310
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:07,527
but I did see those movies
where George Burns was God.
311
00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:10,230
I knew that our sandwich
needed a little extra something.
312
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:21,308
- Whoa! What the--
- What are you doin' in my house
messin' with my stuff?
313
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,777
No, no. Look-- Look--
Look, Millie. I-- I was outside,
and I heard this angel sound.
314
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:26,846
You know.
** [ High Note ]
315
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,948
And I was drawn to it,
and behold--
316
00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:31,751
Holy!
No, Millie, look, hold on!
317
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:33,786
It's a miracle Lord sandwich!
318
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:38,625
Ow! Man, that is
not necessary!
319
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:40,793
Hey, Earl, I think
Millie's comin' back.
320
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:45,398
I'm too young!
[ Grunts ]
321
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,171
You saved me,
Mr. Turtle.
322
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:53,706
If it wasn't for you,
I'd have been shot.
323
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,344
[ Grunts ]
324
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:04,217
Would you just stop it!
Stop bein' such a miserable,
crazy bitch!
325
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:06,253
I'm sorry for usin'
the "B" word, ma'am,
326
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:08,688
but that's what you are,
except at the convent.
327
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:11,924
There, you were sweet
and made cakes for mopey kids.
328
00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:15,662
Because of a lie.
So, who cares
how you got there?
329
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:18,865
You were nice.
You weren't shootin' people
in the earlobe and the forehead.
330
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,834
[ Randy Groaning ]
331
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:25,104
Run and get help,
Mr. Turtle.
332
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,942
Faster.
333
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:33,513
Look, all we were doin'
was tryin' to make you
a happy nun again...
334
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,648
by sneakin' you a sandwich
with Jesus on it.
335
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:38,151
- That's crazy.
- You wanna know what's crazy?
336
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,019
People waitin' for some
big sign to push them...
337
00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:42,322
into doin' somethin'
they oughta be doin'
in the first place.
338
00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:46,693
It's like me.
I'd still be a low-life dirtbag
if I wasn't hit by a car.
339
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:49,762
And you were a miserable
"B" word until you heard
the voice of God.
340
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:53,833
What were we waitin' for?
We could've been better people
all on our own.
341
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,468
But whatever.
342
00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:59,739
If you wanna wait for
a magic sign to go be happy,
then good luck to you, lady.
343
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,509
I'm walkin' out now to go help
my possibly dyin' brother.
344
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:05,745
You can shoot me
in the back of the head
if you want to.
345
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:08,381
You're my sign.
346
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:12,319
- What?
- You're my sign from above.
347
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:15,688
I was a lot happier at that
convent, bakin' and stuff.
348
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:19,559
You were sent to put me
back on my path.
349
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:22,829
Wow.
Weird.
350
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:25,498
I guess angels
don't have to be beautiful.
351
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,936
Well, my whole point
was that you shouldn't
really need a sign,
352
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:33,840
but if me bein' a messenger
from God works for you,
I'm cool with it.
353
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:36,243
[ Randy Groans ]
354
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:39,546
When you go to nun school,
do they give you any
first aid training?
355
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,781
Like how to treat
a head wound?
356
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,886
[ Earl Narrating ]
Apparently, they do.
357
00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:51,190
- ** [ Women Vocalizing ]
- [ Both Laugh ]
358
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:57,730
* When you see
the Southern Cross
for the first time *
359
00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:59,732
[ Earl Narrating ]
And like I always say,
360
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:02,369
when you do good things,
good things happen--
361
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:05,638
like restraining orders
bein' lifted.
362
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,308
* 'Cause the truth you might
be runnin' from is so small *
363
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,209
[ Earl Narrating ]
And turtles comin' home.
364
00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:13,580
- * But it's as big
as the promise *
- I love you, Mr. Turtle.
365
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:18,050
* The promise of
a comin' day *
[ Clears Throat ]
366
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:21,220
* So I'm sailin' for tomorrow *
367
00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:24,023
* My dreams are a-dyin' *
368
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,992
* And we never failed-- *
369
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:30,430
[ Earl Narrating ]
And orphan girls reunitin'
with their cake-bakin' friends.
370
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:33,065
And scary-lookin' dolls
gettin' back their little heads.
371
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,568
* Survive being bested *
372
00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:37,670
* Somebody fine-- **
373
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,639
[ Earl Narrating ]
And even though Millie
needed a sign...
374
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:41,908
to do what she knew
in her heart was right,
375
00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:46,879
I wasn't gonna wait any longer
to do somethin' I should've
done a long time ago.
376
00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:49,282
I love you, Randy.
377
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:51,451
I love you too, Earl.
378
00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:57,690
I gotta go take a leak.
I'm gonna go
play with the radio.
30443
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