All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S02E05.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American) Download
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:03,937 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:07,708 [ Earl Narrating ] Some things are so amazing, you have to capture 'em on film. 3 00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:09,710 Like U.F.O.s or bigfoot. 4 00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:12,012 [ Shutter Clicks ] Or Joy doin' volunteer work. 5 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,981 Cherry, bucket. 6 00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:16,584 [ Earl Narrating ] Joy had recently gotten in trouble with the law, 7 00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:18,819 and her deaf lawyer thought it might help sway a jury... 8 00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:21,822 if she could prove that she was a givin' member of society. 9 00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:23,891 Hey, Earl, get this on film. 10 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:26,260 I'm gettin' ready to hug one of these old coots in a second. 11 00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:29,630 [ Man ] Hey, is that Earl Hickey? 12 00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:32,100 [ Earl Narrating ] I recognized that voice as soon as I heard it. 13 00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,902 It was Tom Sparks. Number 50 on my list-- 14 00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:37,405 kicked the lead singer out of my band. 15 00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:40,708 Sometimes great things just happen by accident. 16 00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:44,312 Like the way peanut butter and chocolate came together. Or Mount Rushmore. 17 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,914 Or how we started our band. ** [ Radio: "Frankenstein" ] 18 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:50,751 ** [ Continues ] * Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa * 19 00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:52,620 * Da-da-dada-da * 20 00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:56,724 * Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa Da-da-dada-da * 21 00:00:56,790 --> 00:01:02,330 ** [ Continues ] * Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa Da-da-dada-da * 22 00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,932 ** [ High-pitched ] * Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa * 23 00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:07,801 * Da-da-dada-da * 24 00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:12,606 * Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa Da-da-dada-da ** 25 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:16,744 ** [ Turns Volume Down ] Yeah. Yeah, buddy. Hey, man, that was hot. 26 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:19,247 We sounded good. Randy, where'd you learn how to drum like that, buddy? 27 00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,315 Right there, just then. No way. 28 00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:23,451 You know what? We should start a band. 29 00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,986 Van Halen started with two brothers. 30 00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:28,889 We could be Van Hickey. And Ralph. 31 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:32,360 Hey, you know, I bet if we played real instruments, we could have sex with real girls. 32 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,695 Yeah, rock and roll, buddy! [ Chuckles ] Yeah. 33 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:38,266 - [ Man ] Hey, you guys formin' a band? - Damn straight, clown. 34 00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:41,034 You need a lead singer? 35 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:45,105 Yeah, I guess we do. Hold on, Earl. How do we know this clown can even sing? 36 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:47,107 [ Singsongy ] Hello, may I take your order? 37 00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:49,210 Would you like to try our new fish tacos? 38 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:54,315 You can add "guaca-mole" for only 99 cents extra. 39 00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:57,985 You're in, buddy. Yeah. [ Chuckles ] 40 00:01:58,051 --> 00:02:00,288 Whoo! Rock and roll, buddy! 41 00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:03,524 [ Earl Narrating ] The lead singer's the most important person in a band. 42 00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:06,294 The Stones have Jagger, The Who have Daltrey, 43 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:11,332 and we had... well, this guy, who looked older than both of 'em put together. 44 00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:15,603 Hey, it's my band! Here, let me get my glasses to get a good look at you. 45 00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:20,341 [ Earl Narrating ] After a couple of rehearsals, 46 00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:22,676 we booked a gig at the Crab Shack for 20 bucks each, 47 00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:25,145 but we weren't doin' it for the money. 48 00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:28,216 Hey, ladies. We're rock stars. 49 00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:30,150 You can tell from our rock star pants. 50 00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:32,853 See all the zippers? Guess what's in that zipper. 51 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,591 - Licorice. - Maybe I'll see what's in the other zippers. 52 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:40,093 - More licorice. - [ Laughing ] 53 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,596 Hello, ladies. 54 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:45,999 MTV. Video games. The Internet. 55 00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:48,669 I think your dad's havin' a stroke. 56 00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:52,640 I'm not his dad. I'm the lead singer. The top cat. [ Growls ] 57 00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:55,876 Ew! If I wanted to get hit on by an old guy, I'd move back home. 58 00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:58,446 Let's go. 59 00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,416 [ Earl Narrating ] The fact that Tom was scarin' away the chicks... 60 00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:04,485 was a bit unpopular with the guys. 61 00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:07,521 All in favor of kickin' the old guy out of the band. 62 00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:15,195 Now all in favor of keepin' the old guy who's creepin' out all the chicks, man. 63 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:21,201 - Sorry, Tom, you're out. - Oh, yeah? 64 00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:24,438 Well, maybe the three of you are out. Did you ever think about that? 65 00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:28,909 Hey, man, whatever makes you feel better about leavin' as fast as possible, all right? 66 00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:31,345 - Fine. - [ Earl Narrating ] It was tough. 67 00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:35,015 But Ralph was right. Tom was holdin' us back. 68 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:39,219 Could one of you guys give me a ride home? I'm not allowed to drive after sunset. 69 00:03:39,287 --> 00:03:41,422 - Oh, yeah, buddy. Come on. - Thanks. 70 00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:44,825 [ Earl Narrating ] That Friday night Phish Tahko gave its debut performance. 71 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,794 ** [ "Frankenstein" ] We even gave out T-shirts... 72 00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:50,398 to anybody who promised to take 'em off after the show. 73 00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:52,566 ** [ Fades ] 74 00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:55,903 So in keeping with true rock star fashion, after the show, 75 00:03:55,969 --> 00:04:00,040 we took the chicks back to Ralph's mom's house and partied in our underwear. 76 00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,009 [ Screaming ] 77 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:06,013 Mom! 78 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,449 [ Earl Narrating ] Ralph's mom even made us Rice Krispie squares. 79 00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,484 [ Ralph ] Yeah! Look at that right there. 80 00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:12,353 [ Earl Narrating ] After explaining my list to Tom, 81 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:16,690 I apologized and offered him the 20 bucks he would have made from the gig. 82 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,627 Don't want your 20 bucks. Want to be back in the band. 83 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:22,496 Sorry to tell you, Tom, but there is no band. 84 00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:27,335 We played one gig, got drunk, got laid and sold our instruments to get more beer. 85 00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,269 Well, at least you had the one night. 86 00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:33,607 You got to experience the thrill of the show. The party with the chicks. 87 00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:38,111 See, everybody in here's got, you know, one great memory they can look back on. 88 00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:41,349 You know, like, how they climbed a mountain. How they fought in a war. 89 00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:44,985 I once tongue kissed a Jamaican woman. 90 00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:47,488 See? Everybody's got somethin'. 91 00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:49,623 What do I got? Nothin'. 92 00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:53,093 You took away my one shot at bein' a-- a rock star. 93 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,563 You know what, Tom? 94 00:04:55,629 --> 00:05:00,768 I don't think I can make you a rock star, but I can sure give you one hell of a memory. 95 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,070 I think it's time to get the band back together. 96 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,706 [ Earl Narrating ] After rentin' some second-hand instruments... 97 00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:08,876 and explaining my situation to the guys, everybody agreed. 98 00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:12,380 It was time for Phish Tahko to feed its fans once again. 99 00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:15,383 All right, guys, remember, when one of us stops playin', we all stop playin', 100 00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,284 'cause that means the song's over. 101 00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:19,820 When one of us starts playin', that means the next song's startin'. 102 00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:22,990 There's still licorice in here. 103 00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:25,793 Hey, T., I'm sorry about votin' you out of the band before, buddy. 104 00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:28,762 It's cool. No, man. I was young and immature, 105 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,031 and, you know, I didn't have much of a father figure, 106 00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:33,734 so I didn't know about, you know, respect your elders... 107 00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:37,004 and manners and simple kindness even, buddy. 108 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,840 [ Tom ] It's okay. Who's the old guy? 109 00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:42,643 That's it. We gotta kick Tom out of the band. All in favor. 110 00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:46,079 You can't kick me out again. I'm on Earl's list. Here. 111 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:48,015 Right between, um, 112 00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,684 "I've been wasteful" and "Slept with Ralph's mom." 113 00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:57,691 Number 51-- "Slept with Ralph's mom." 114 00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:02,463 [ Earl Narrating ] It was true. I did sleep with Ralph's mom. 115 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:05,098 But it wasn't entirely my fault. 116 00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:08,135 - [ Laughing ] - Hey, there. 117 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:12,305 Which one of you wants to come check out the glow stars on my bedroom ceiling? 118 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,508 - I do. - Wasn't talkin' to you, Randy. 119 00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,477 I'm lookin' for somebody a little bit more photogenic. 120 00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:18,746 - I'll go. - Yeah. 121 00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,682 Hey, the two of you can take the laundry room. 122 00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:25,385 - Are there stars in there? - Only you, rock star. 123 00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:28,155 - [ Giggling ] - [ Ralph ] Whoo! 124 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,524 [ Earl Narrating ] After a show, a rock star needs an outlet... 125 00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,426 where he can let off his extra energy. 126 00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:37,064 Unfortunately, my outlet had a sweet tooth and binged on Jell-O shots. 127 00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:40,233 * See the man with the lonely eyes * 128 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:43,203 * Oh, take his hand * 129 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:47,174 * You'll be surprised ** 130 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:51,111 [ Earl Narrating ] And there she was. She wasn't young, but she was conscious. 131 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:56,650 And besides, she made us Rice Krispie squares. 132 00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:10,130 Earl, did you sleep with Ralph's mom? 133 00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:13,767 Ralph, look, I'm sorry. It was-- It was a mistake. 134 00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:29,550 That's why she always sends you a Christmas card. 135 00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,887 [ Earl Narrating ] If there's a top 10 list of topics... 136 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,123 a man never wants to discuss with another man, 137 00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:39,493 I'd bet "Sorry I slept with your mom" ranks number two. 138 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,630 - Right after "Sorry I slept with your dad." - Ralph, 139 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:45,566 I'm really sorry you had to find out that way. 140 00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:50,704 I've always wanted to tell you, even before I started my list. I feel awful. 141 00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:53,173 Me, too, Earl. You know, I've been rackin' my brain... 142 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,910 tryin' to make this right between us, given that we're lifelong friends and all. 143 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,947 And seems like there's only one fair solution. 144 00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:04,117 - I'm gonna have to kill you. - [ Laughing ] Kill me? 145 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:07,387 Don't take it personal. Believe me, nobody's gonna miss you more than me. 146 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:10,991 Ralph, you're not really gonna kill me? 147 00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:13,093 You're gonna kill me. 148 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,228 I don't really have a choice, you know. 149 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:18,498 I thought about cuttin' your junk off, but that just don't feel right, buddy. 150 00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:20,668 [ Chuckles ] No. No, no, it doesn't. 151 00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:24,071 Damn, I really painted you into a corner, didn't I? 152 00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:26,607 Oh, shoot, man, I've been in corners before. 153 00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:31,511 Anyway, listen, given that we're lifelong friends, I figured I'd give you about 12 hours... 154 00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:34,014 to get your affairs in order and say your good-byes, all right? 155 00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:36,584 Wait, wait. No, no, Ralph. There's gotta be a way, man. 156 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:40,053 Earl, I'd appreciate it if you didn't touch me with the same hand that defiled my mother. 157 00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:45,559 I'm sorry, Ralph, but there's gotta be another way, man. 158 00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:48,261 Eleven hours and 59 minutes. 159 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:53,233 [ Earl Narrating ] Since I knew I couldn't get Ralph to change his mind, 160 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,403 I went to talk to the one person I knew he would listen to. 161 00:08:56,469 --> 00:09:01,575 Anyway, uh, I was hopin' you'd talk to Ralph and get him to, you know, not kill me. 162 00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:04,011 Of course I will. 163 00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:09,116 And don't you worry, Earl. That boy will do anything I say. 164 00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:11,985 Well, thank you, Mrs. Mariano. I really appreciate it. 165 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:16,156 The question is, what are you gonna do for me? 166 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:20,928 [ Clears Throat ] Uh, clean your rain gutters? 167 00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:24,598 Ooh, I like the sound of that. 168 00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:28,802 Oh, Mrs. Mariano, I'm sorry. I-I can't do this. 169 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:32,505 Y-You don't find me attractive, is that it? You don't have to look at me. 170 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,175 I've got five porn channels and four ESPNs. 171 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,244 Wow. 172 00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:41,381 Well, if I were more of a-- a porn or a sports guy, that'd be a great offer. 173 00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:44,918 But I can't do it to Ralph. I'm sorry. Well, what are you into? 174 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:49,757 You like popcorn shrimp? I can put a plate on the nightstand where you can reach 'em. 175 00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:52,660 [ Engine Starts ] He's gonna kill you. 176 00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:55,629 [ Tires Squealing ] 177 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,098 [ Catalina ] Men don't like it when other men sleep with their mothers. 178 00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:01,635 It is why my brother killed my father. Do you have to leave town? 179 00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:04,271 Why don't we just kill Ralph? That'd keep him from killin' you. 180 00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:07,307 That's no good. Then his spirit will haunt your dreams. 181 00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:09,877 But if he kills you, you get to haunt his dreams, so you win. 182 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,912 Yeah, I don't know if I want to win like that. 183 00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:14,948 [ Earl Narrating ] I figured I better get out of town until Ralph calmed down. 184 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:17,617 And since that could take till forever, 185 00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:21,789 I decided it'd be nice to stop by my folks' house and tell 'em good-bye. 186 00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:26,426 Hey, good buddy. Ralph, what are you doin' here? 187 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:29,596 Well, I figured another way out of this mess without havin' to kill you. 188 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:33,701 Really? Yeah. I'm gonna sleep with your mom. [ Chuckles ] 189 00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:35,803 Yeah, buddy. 190 00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:38,672 - Wait. Wait. What-What are you talkin' about? - Hey, look who's here. 191 00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:42,175 Hey, Earl. Ralph came by here lookin' for you, 192 00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,978 and he accidentally spilled some tomato juice on his pants. 193 00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:48,115 Yeah, I was all thumbs, buddy. Completely spilled it. 194 00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:50,350 I told him, take those pants off. Yeah, and off went the pants. 195 00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:53,821 - Now they're in the dryer. - Yeah, now I'm wearin' your daddy's robe. 196 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:58,225 - Wait, where is Dad? - Someone threw a brick through the front window of the store, 197 00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:00,293 and he went down there to get the glass replaced. 198 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:04,097 World full of weirdos. Oh, boy, ain't it the truth. 199 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:07,267 Just seems like you can't even leave the house anymore. 200 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:12,840 [ Buzzer Buzzes ] Uh-oh, pants are done. I'll be back. 201 00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:16,209 Yeah. Sweetheart. She's a sweetheart. 202 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:19,880 Look, Ralph, I appreciate you tryin' to find a way not to kill me, 203 00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:22,750 but there is no way my mom's ever gonna sleep with you. 204 00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,518 You're good enough to sleep with my mom, but I ain't good enough to sleep with yours? 205 00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:28,756 No, look, you're good enough, but I just don't think she's gonna go for it. 206 00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:31,124 We'll see about that, buddy. 207 00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:39,066 [ Kay Muttering ] [ Slaps ] 208 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,937 Earl, I got-- I better go help your dad. 209 00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:48,041 There's plenty of cookies for everybody, but don't spoil your dinner. 210 00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:50,477 [ Door Opens, Closes ] Uh, yeah, just for the record, 211 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,814 your mom doesn't like the, uh, under-the-arms-around-the-side double-boob scoop. 212 00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:56,649 I-I don't know what to say to that, Ralph. 213 00:11:56,716 --> 00:12:01,454 Yeah, well, it doesn't really matter, 'cause, uh, your time's up anyways. 214 00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,690 Wai-- Hold-- What are you doin', Ralph? Let's talk about this! 215 00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:06,960 My mama, Earl. I lived in her for nine months when I was just an itty-bitty baby! 216 00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:10,730 That was my first home! You broke into my home, man! 217 00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:13,867 - I didn't break in. The door was wide open. - [ Mouthing Words ] 218 00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:16,536 Uh-- Uh, not wide open. Just wi-wide enough to get in. 219 00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:19,639 Well, tell it to Jesus. You disgraced his favorite angel. 220 00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:22,642 She is an angel! A princess! The most perfect woman in the whole world! 221 00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:25,378 I wish I could have married her! 222 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,747 You do? 223 00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:31,819 Of course. 224 00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:36,356 Keeps me up sometimes just, you know, thinkin' about what I missed out on. 225 00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:42,462 Marry my mama. 226 00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,833 Yeah, well, I guess what you did wouldn't be so bad if y'all end up gettin' married. 227 00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:48,101 Yeah, that'll work. 228 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,840 [ Earl Narrating ] And that's how I got married to Ralph's mom. 229 00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,248 [ Earl Narrating ] So me and Ralph's mom got married. 230 00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:03,416 I guess you wouldn't call it a shotgun wedding. 231 00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:06,920 It was more like a cocked-handgun-pressed-firmly against-your-temple wedding. 232 00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:09,122 What a day! What a day! 233 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:12,792 Well, I'm gonna get out of this dress before I spill somethin' on it and can't return it. 234 00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,794 Besides, this tag is diggin' in my armpit. 235 00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:18,932 Hey, Randy, wait till you see our room, man. 236 00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:23,003 Mom let me get a strobe light. Just give me a few minutes to put on "Mr. Roboto," man. 237 00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:26,639 I'm gonna blow your mind, buddy. [ Chuckling ] 238 00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:30,743 I'm glad you're not dead, Earl. I am, too, Randy. It's a good feeling. 239 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:35,582 So is there more to this plan or are we just gonna live here forever? 240 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:39,619 Randy, you know you don't always have to live where I live, don't you? 241 00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,989 What do you mean? 242 00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:45,725 Never mind. Yeah, we'll be here forever. 243 00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:48,595 [ Earl Narrating ] Gettin' suddenly married to your best friend's mom... 244 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,464 so he won't kill you can have an unsettling effect. 245 00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:55,202 So it felt good to get back to somethin' normal-- my list. 246 00:13:56,469 --> 00:14:00,273 Oh, man, I can't believe it. Phish Tahko lives. 247 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,275 That's right, buddy. The band is back together. 248 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:05,045 We're playin' the Crab Shack Friday night. 249 00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:10,117 [ All ] Red rover, red rover, send Betty right over. 250 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,510 [ Earl Narrating ] Just like that, I was a family man again. 251 00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:40,380 So far, this marriage was better than my last one. 252 00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:44,484 My wife cooked, and at least one of my kids was a blood relation to me. 253 00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:56,163 And compared to all the sirens and the loud hooker fights at the motel, 254 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,398 livin' here was peaceful and homey. 255 00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:01,634 And we actually spent time together like a real family. 256 00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:12,379 And I found it was easier puttin' these boys to bed than my last two. 257 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:16,783 Mainly 'cause these boys drank themselves to sleep before story time. 258 00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:21,188 And I know it might sound crazy, but as far as forced marriages go, 259 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,490 this one was turnin' out pretty nice. 260 00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:27,194 I guess bein' married to Ralph's mom was somethin' I could get used to. 261 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,997 And at least I could have if not for one thing. 262 00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:34,334 I had a new older wife who expected me to fulfill my husbandly duties. 263 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:38,371 Sorry. Uh, I just ate a big meal. M-My doctor says, uh, 264 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:41,941 I have to wait at least three hours before swimmin' or humpin', 265 00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:45,578 so don't wait up. 266 00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:48,181 [ Earl Narrating ] And every night that week, after the boys went to bed, 267 00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:51,051 I came up with a new way to avoid my husbandly duties. 268 00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,653 There's a bunch of birds unfairly attackin' a squirrel on the lawn. 269 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,923 - I gotta get involved. - [ Door Closes ] 270 00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,759 Don't wait up. 271 00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:02,762 The string came out of my sweatpants. It's gonna be an all-nighter. 272 00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:05,332 The Chinese are on the march. I'm on hold with Mike from Bombay. 273 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,134 He's tryin' to walk me through the new toaster. 274 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,901 Randy got out. Gotta go find him. 275 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:12,705 I have to drive three counties over to get some rubbers. I'm an odd size. 276 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:18,378 [ Snores ] Hey. 277 00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:21,581 - What in the hell's wrong with you? - Nothin'. 278 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,552 I mean, I got a little bit of a crick in my neck, but-- 279 00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:28,521 Yeah, well, my mom told me you ain't consummated your holy matrimony yet, 280 00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:30,723 so I'm gonna ask you again, what the hell's wrong with you? 281 00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:34,161 Ralph, look, makin' an honest woman out of your mom was easy, 282 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:37,097 but the consummatin' part may be a hurdle I can't jump. 283 00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:41,101 - So, what are you sayin'? My mom's not foxy? - No, your mom's foxy. 284 00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:43,636 But you have to admit, she's also-- 285 00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:48,641 An angel? A female angel? With female needs. 286 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:52,445 Now, look, I know this is gonna sound crazy, given where we started and all, 287 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,348 but if you don't sleep with my mom, 288 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,484 I think I'm gonna have to kill you. 289 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:04,357 [ Sighs ] Fine. I'll do it tonight after the show. 290 00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:07,294 But once I consummate your mom, I'm officially your stepdad, 291 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:11,831 and I won't stand for any more threats on my life. Done. 292 00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,666 [ Earl Narrating ] So that was it. 293 00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:16,269 And unlike the last time Phish Tahko played, 294 00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:21,374 I wasn't thinkin' about how nice it was gonna be to have sex with the girl in the front row. 295 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:27,780 All right, let's get ready to tear the roof off this mother! 296 00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:30,850 Not really, though. Please, stay off the roof. 297 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,052 Phish Tahko! 298 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:42,129 ** [ "Frankenstein" ] 299 00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:59,246 Tom, the way you sang tonight, buddy, I'm definitely comin' to your funeral. 300 00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,148 [ Earl Narrating ] We put on a great show. 301 00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:05,118 - But I wasn't lookin' forward to my next performance. - Excuse me. 302 00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:07,954 [ Earl Narrating ] Since bein' drunk helped me through this the first time, 303 00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:12,159 I decided I'd better be twice as drunk this time. Crabman, shot of whiskey. 304 00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:19,332 [ Man ] * I am drowning in a whiskey river * 305 00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:24,036 * Bathing my memory'd mind * 306 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,839 Crabman, another shot. * In the wetness of its soul * 307 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:34,581 * Feeling the amber current flowin' from my mind * 308 00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:39,018 Crabman, three more shots. You know what? Just-Just leave the bottle. 309 00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:42,121 * Empty heart you left so cold * 310 00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:47,727 * Whiskey river take my mind * 311 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:52,465 * Don't let her memory torture me ** 312 00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:56,303 [ Body Thuds ] [ Bottle Clatters ] 313 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,410 Earl. 314 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:06,613 Earl. Did I do it? 315 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:10,250 Is it over? Did I consummate my marriage? 316 00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:14,687 No. But you did try to consummate that bar stool. I just left you two alone. 317 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:19,426 See you, Earl. See you, Earl. 318 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:23,496 [ Earl Narrating ] The worst part of the two-mile walk home... 319 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,865 was that it sobered me up a little. 320 00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:30,136 But I was still determined to make love to my new wife. 321 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:32,171 The thing was-- [ Gasps ] 322 00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,343 Tom had beat me to it. 323 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,545 Funny thing about bein' in a band is... 324 00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:41,281 no matter how young and good-looking the bass player is, 325 00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:44,251 chicks always dig the lead singer. 326 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,924 So while I was workin' hard to lose my grip on reality, 327 00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:56,663 Tom was gettin' a pretty good grip on Lorraine. 328 00:19:56,729 --> 00:20:00,267 It was clear that me and Ralph's mom didn't belong together. 329 00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:04,437 So after the annulment, her and Tom continued seeing each other. 330 00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:08,641 And Ralph was no longer mad at me, since I'd made an honest woman out of his mom. 331 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,378 And Tom was more than just her new boyfriend. 332 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,546 He was the father figure that Ralph never had. 333 00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:18,385 And that made everybody happy. 334 00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:31,030 * Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto * 335 00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:34,301 * Domo arigato Mr. Roboto * 336 00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:37,570 * Mata ah-oo hima de * 337 00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:40,907 * Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto * 338 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:48,815 * Himitsu wo shiri tai * 339 00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:52,419 * You're wondering who I am * * Secret, secret * 340 00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:57,189 * I've got a secret * * My true identity * 341 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,492 * I'm Kilroy * 342 00:21:03,229 --> 00:21:05,432 ** [ Ends ] 29813

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.