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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:03,871 Hey, Earl, did you ever worry... 2 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:05,806 that you're gonna forget how to walk? 3 00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:07,841 No, I can't say that I do. 4 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:11,179 'Cause when we were eatin' in there, I started to worry that when we got up, 5 00:00:11,245 --> 00:00:13,347 my legs wouldn't know what to do. 6 00:00:13,414 --> 00:00:15,716 They seem to be doin' all right. Yeah, for now. 7 00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:19,253 But every time I sit down, it's like startin' all over again. 8 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,123 - [ Meows ] - We can't go that way. 9 00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:25,025 We can't walk across that black cat's path. 10 00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:28,096 Fine. We'll go the long way. 11 00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:30,298 [ Meows ] 12 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,800 He circled us. I think we're stuck. 13 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,803 Randy, I'm not gonna stand here forever just 'cause you're superstitious. 14 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:39,473 Why? Every day of my life revolves around you believin' in karma. 15 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,542 Plus, we always buy the kind of cereal you like. 16 00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,213 How long do we have to wait? 17 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:48,516 Three hours, or until a white cat circles us backwards. 18 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,555 My name is Earl. 19 00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:02,530 [ Earl Narrating ] I know we must've looked pretty crazy sittin' on that sidewalk, 20 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,166 but Randy insisted we had to wait three hours... 21 00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:07,601 before it was safe to cross a black cat's path. 22 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:10,003 Damned thing circled us. 23 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,606 That's it. It's 3:15. Let's go. Wait. 24 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,875 Ten seconds. 25 00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:17,345 - [ Sighs ] - Eight, seven, 26 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:20,548 - six-- - [ Meows ] 27 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:23,751 [ Earl Narrating ] A black cat crosses your path once, it's bad luck. 28 00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:26,987 It crosses your path twice, it's really bad luck. 29 00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:30,691 But three times? Well, that's when karma's trying to tell you somethin'. 30 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:35,296 And it was tellin' me to fix number 56-- larceny of a kitty cat. 31 00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:38,799 [ Cats Meowing ] Every year, Camden had a cat show... 32 00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:43,437 which people who love cats and had a lot of time on their hands took real seriously. 33 00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:45,473 And like with every competitive sportin' event-- [ Growling ] 34 00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:47,675 there's always a front-runner. 35 00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:50,711 - Randy. Randy, that's him. That's him. - Where? I can't see anything. 36 00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:53,781 These cats are makin' my eyes watery and my tongue all itchy. 37 00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:57,017 I think I'm allergic to whatever God makes 'em out of. 38 00:01:57,084 --> 00:01:59,387 Okay, Sebastian. Come on. It's time for your last-minute floss. 39 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,589 Smile big like Mommy. 40 00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:04,858 And you think of somethin' you like, like tuna or a really slow mouse. 41 00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:07,595 [ Earl Narrating ] So who would want me to harm such a beautiful animal... 42 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:10,931 just so they had a better chance of winnin' the first-place cash? 43 00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:15,603 What the hell you lookin' at? You wanna know if her heinie works, I'll bring you a turd. 44 00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,871 [ Earl Narrating ] Being a big Tonya Harding fan, 45 00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:21,409 Joy wanted me to Nancy Kerrigan the cat so it couldn't compete. 46 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,577 But I was havin' trouble gettin' it done. 47 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,847 I don't even know where a damn cat knee is. My hands are burnin'. 48 00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:30,184 Ooh, it's droolin' and hummin' that weird "I like you" sound even though I hate it. 49 00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:31,752 [ Earl Narrating ] I wanted to help Joy, 50 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,921 but Sebastian's eyes must've been prettier than Nancy Kerrigan's, 51 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,889 'cause I just couldn't do it. 52 00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,593 So I sneaked him into a place where he'd be welcome... 53 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:43,063 and could pee wherever he wanted to: The sleepy cat lady's house. 54 00:02:43,130 --> 00:02:45,132 [ Cats Meowing ] 55 00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:49,837 With Sebastian out of the picture, Joy thought her cat might actually have a chance. 56 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:53,307 Healthy teeth. Nice coat. 57 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:56,277 Ma'am, is your cat wearing lipstick? 58 00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:57,878 Mm-hmm, Lip Smackers-- same as mine. 59 00:02:57,945 --> 00:03:01,014 And are these colored contact lenses? Yeah. 60 00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:05,152 It was not easy gettin' 'em in there. He's been jumpy ever since I waxed his eyebrows. 61 00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:08,121 Charlotte, we have a code "C" over here. 62 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,358 What's goin' on? Am I a winner? 63 00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:12,226 [ Earl Narrating ] Not only did Joy's cat not win, 64 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:15,263 - it got rescued and put into kitty foster care. - Hold on! 65 00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:19,066 I gotta give those contacts back to my neighbor Lateesha before she goes on date night! 66 00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:22,903 [ Earl Narrating ] Since karma wanted me to get Sebastian back to the girl I stole him from, 67 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,839 well, I went back to the sleeping cat lady's house. 68 00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:29,343 Everything was exactly how it was before, except for the smell. 69 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:31,712 It was three years worse. 70 00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:35,683 Unfortunately, to a guy like me, all cats look the same, 71 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:38,252 and I couldn't tell which one was Sebastian. 72 00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:40,288 [ Meowing ] 73 00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:43,924 To be honest, I was kind of hopin' after all these years of not havin' her cat, 74 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:46,627 Judy would've moved on. 75 00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:50,831 But she hadn't. How could you do that to such an innocent creature? 76 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:54,902 It was his idea. I asked the same thing... in my mind. 77 00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:57,338 At least this means he's not lost. 78 00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:59,840 We know where to find him. That's good, right? 79 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:02,610 Yeah, I guess. You know, I'm tryin' not to hate you right now, 80 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:06,013 because hate is not what Sebastian is about. 81 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:09,583 We sure are gonna get a big tickle out of this when we see each other. [ Giggles ] 82 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,452 I like those dents in your face. 83 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,255 There they are again. Quit! 84 00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:18,292 [ Earl Narrating ] I had a suspicion about why Randy was actin' so peculiar, 85 00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:21,128 but before I could even think about that, 86 00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:25,933 I had to brace my nostrils for one more trip into the sleeping cat lady's house. 87 00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,868 [ Cats Meowing ] 88 00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:30,003 - Randy, we'll be right out j-- - I'm comin' in. 89 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,606 [ Earl Narrating ] Not much'll get Randy into a house full of cats. 90 00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:36,977 And judging by his smile, I knew he had a crush on Judy. 91 00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:41,449 [ Judy ] Sebastian Phillips Duchamps! [ Meows ] 92 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:45,453 [ Earl Narrating ] Even though he had let himself go, Judy could still pick out Sebastian, 93 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,055 which was a lot easier than pickin' him up. 94 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:51,625 Well, he certainly has put on an extra few pounds. 95 00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,594 Hmm, fatty-fat-fat-fat? [ Meows ] 96 00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:57,965 But Mommy won't be too critical, 'cause critical mommies make for bulimic teenagers... 97 00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:01,268 that become needy adults that drink a lot of red wine. 98 00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:04,805 I'll help you. [ Grunts ] 99 00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:07,775 [ Earl Narrating ] There's only two things that Randy does that scare me. 100 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:10,010 One is the way he stops breathin' when he's sleepin'. 101 00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:14,515 The other is when he pretends to be someone he isn't because he likes a girl. 102 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:18,786 There was the artsy chick he dated who smoked cloves and ate bone marrow. 103 00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:23,323 There was the girl whose parents were Hasidic Jews. 104 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:28,362 And the only member of the Camden County Black Power movement. 105 00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:31,365 The women liked Randy, until he stopped pretendin' to be somebody else... 106 00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,401 and started just bein' Randy. 107 00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,268 I like it okay, I guess. But I think... 108 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,938 when people talk about their dreams, it's kind of boring. 109 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:41,942 Unless there's aliens in it. Did Martin Luther King's dream have aliens in it? 110 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,978 [ Earl ] Unfortunately, Martin Luther King's dream didn't have aliens in it. 111 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,681 And that was just the beginning. ** [ Punk ] 112 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:50,518 It's not that he didn't try. It was just a question of time... 113 00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:53,554 before the real Randy exposed himself. 114 00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:55,723 This art doesn't have a flusher. 115 00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:02,129 [ Earl Narrating ] And even though Randy usually wore the right thing, 116 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,064 he always said the wrong thing. 117 00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,834 Sorry that took so long. Got my foreskin caught in my zipper. 118 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,603 [ Gasps ] After each breakup, Randy'd get pretty depressed. 119 00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:12,039 He didn't turn to drugs or alcohol, 120 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:15,108 but he did turn to something slightly harder to live with. 121 00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:20,113 ** [ Slow Pop ] 122 00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:25,152 * Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick * 123 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,621 * And think of you * 124 00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:30,591 * Caught up in circles * 125 00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:34,795 * Confusion is nothing new * 126 00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:39,066 * Flashback, warm nights * 127 00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:41,735 * Almost left behind * 128 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,739 * The second hand unwinds * 129 00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:50,310 * If you're lost, you can look and you will find me * 130 00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:53,013 * Time after time * 131 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:57,718 * If you fall, I will catch you I will be waiting * 132 00:06:57,785 --> 00:07:01,321 * Time after time * 133 00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:05,092 * Time after time * 134 00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:08,929 * Time after time * 135 00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:10,898 * Time-- * 136 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,802 [ Softly ] * Time after time ** 137 00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:18,171 [ Earl Narrating ] I was hopin' this time would be different, 'cause even though Randy... 138 00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:21,041 - liked the dents in that lady's face, he hated cats. - I love cats. 139 00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,818 [ Earl Narrating ] Randy had started datin' the cat lady... 140 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,086 and was fightin' through his allergies to make things work. 141 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:37,591 You're right! Gettin' out of my place to get some fresh air is a great idea. 142 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:40,994 [ Earl Narrating ] But just like every other time he pretended to be someone else, 143 00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:43,997 I knew this was gonna end badly. [ Meowing ] 144 00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:48,101 I'm worried about him, Crabman. Have you talked to him? 145 00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:51,171 I tried, but whenever you talk about Randy's personal life, 146 00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:53,941 he gets edgy and turns everything back on you. 147 00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:56,844 - It's like steppin' on a rake. - Earl, buy me some chicken wings. 148 00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:59,146 You can't buy your own chicken wings? 149 00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,682 I'm facin' my third strike and could spend the rest of my life in prison, 150 00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:05,185 and you can't grant me six scrawny-ass wings, some celery sticks and blue cheese? 151 00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:07,420 Fine. Get her some wings. 152 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,790 And a pitcher of margaritas. 153 00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:12,192 Tip him good too. We're savin' up for the kids' braces. 154 00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:13,994 Or a trampoline. [ Chuckles ] 155 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,601 That stupid cat is makin' my hands burn and my eyes water, 156 00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:22,770 and my tongue's startin' to feel like it did... 157 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,138 when I ate all that pink cotton candy stuff in the attic. 158 00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,575 You should take allergy medicine. I take it all the time. 159 00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:29,643 It relaxes me in social situations. 160 00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:34,514 I tried that. It helped with the itching, but it made me a little bit too thirsty. 161 00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:40,153 * Chugalug, chugalug * 162 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,790 * Make you wanna holler hidey-ho * 163 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:45,826 * Burns your tummy don't ya know * 164 00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:48,596 * Chugalug, chugalug * 165 00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:54,034 * Chugalug, chugalug * 166 00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:57,104 * Make you wanna holler hidey-ho * 167 00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,607 * Burns your tummy don't ya know * 168 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,675 * Chugalug, chugalug * 169 00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:04,077 * Chuga-jiggle-jaggle, yeah ** 170 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,147 I don't need medicine. I'm fine. 171 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:12,385 Randy, I need to talk to you about somethin'... personal. 172 00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:15,422 Oh? Maybe I need to talk to you about somethin' personal, jerk-head. 173 00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:17,390 See? Steppin' on a rake. 174 00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:20,293 Randy, you need to listen to this. 175 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:24,097 Yeah, maybe you need to listen, mustache-too-big-for-your-face. 176 00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:26,466 Look, buddy, lash back all you want, 177 00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:30,604 but I gotta say, I don't know why you have to lie to Judy and be somethin' you're not. 178 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:34,507 I mean, you're gonna have to be yourself sooner or later. Why not just do it now? 179 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:38,511 If I'm myself, she won't like me, left-eye-lower- than-the-right-one. 180 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:43,016 Of course she won't like you. You hate cats, and she's eventually gonna find out. 181 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,418 I've seen it happen, time after time. 182 00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:48,789 Well, I'd rather have a girlfriend for two weeks than no girlfriend for no weeks. 183 00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:51,424 Just leave me alone. 184 00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,694 If you fall, I won't catch you. 185 00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:56,263 I won't be waitin'. 186 00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:58,331 [ Man On TV ] As the majestic hues-- [ Purring ] 187 00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:01,935 Oh, look, the Grand Canyon! We should go there, all three of us. 188 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:05,673 We could take a car ride and sleep in a tent and take one of those burro rides. 189 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:08,241 I could be on one burro, and you could hold Sebastian on another. 190 00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:10,343 You're so strong. He's gonna wanna ride with you anyway. 191 00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:12,312 I hate cats. What? 192 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,882 - Huh? - You hate what? What'd you say? 193 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,951 [ Sighs ] I'm allergic to cats. 194 00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:21,655 And even if I wasn't allergic, I don't like 'em, 'cause they act like they're better than me, 195 00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,791 which maybe they are. 196 00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:26,794 I'm sorry. I've been actin' like I'm somebody else, 197 00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:29,096 and-- and that's who you like-- not me. 198 00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:34,534 Now-- [ Sniffles ] [ Meows ] 199 00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:39,639 if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy a new Cyndi Lauper CD and have myself a little cry. 200 00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:43,844 Randy, wait. 201 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,715 I don't want to end up like that sleepy cat lady. 202 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,818 You're not like her. You're young and pretty... 203 00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:53,220 and alert enough to wake up if somethin' pees on you. 204 00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:55,823 No, I mean I don't want to end up alone. 205 00:10:56,857 --> 00:11:01,361 Look, Randy, I'll get rid of Sebastian. 206 00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:08,668 [ Growling ] 207 00:11:08,736 --> 00:11:11,138 I win. 208 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,710 [ Earl Narrating ] The good news was Randy and Judy were gonna be together. 209 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:20,848 The bad news is I had to figure out what to do with Sebastian. 210 00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:23,616 Crabman, two beers, and put one in a bowl, please. 211 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,486 Why do you still have that cat? I've been tryin' to find a home for him, 212 00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:30,924 but nobody wants a chubby cat who wheezes after he takes a dook. 213 00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:35,228 Maybe make his a light beer. 214 00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:38,832 - Hey, Joy, you want a cat? - Do I look like I want a damn cat? 215 00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:41,902 I think you should put this cat on your list, Earl. 216 00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:45,472 No, the girl I took him from's on there. I don't put animals on my list. 217 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:49,109 I'm serious. He used to be a proud champion before you stole him. 218 00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:52,846 Now he just looks sad. I can see it in his eyes. 219 00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,782 He misses bein' a champ. [ Purring ] 220 00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:57,818 I saw Carl Lewis at the airport once, and he looked the same way. 221 00:11:57,885 --> 00:12:00,153 Look, I'm not puttin' a cat on my list. 222 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,322 You would if you looked into his eyes. 223 00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:08,028 [ Joy ] He does have nice eyes, Earl. 224 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,963 Five bucks if you kiss him on the lips. 225 00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:13,166 [ Earl Narrating ] The thought of putting an animal on my list seemed crazy. 226 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:16,303 But what if he did miss bein' a champion 'cause of what I did? 227 00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:19,239 The more I stared, well, the more I started to see... 228 00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:22,009 a sad little Carl Lewis in there starin' back at me. 229 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,944 Damn it. 230 00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:31,451 While I entered the new world of tryin' to get a cat back into championship shape, 231 00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:34,454 Randy entered the new world of being himself around a girlfriend. 232 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:37,157 Don't you wanna take your shoes off and get comfortable? 233 00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:40,093 My feet smell. That's what feet are supposed to do, silly. 234 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:43,763 Why do you think God put 'em so far away from your nose? 235 00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:52,239 Quit. It's cute. 236 00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:57,577 * I see your true colors * 237 00:12:57,644 --> 00:13:00,547 * And that's why I love you * 238 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:03,550 * So don't be afraid * 239 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,685 * To let it show * 240 00:13:05,752 --> 00:13:08,721 * Your true colors * 241 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:11,825 * Your true colors * 242 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:17,530 * Are beautiful like a rainbow * 243 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,335 * If this world makes you crazy * 244 00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:25,172 * And you've taken all you can * [ Growling ] 245 00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:28,741 * Then you call me up * 246 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,244 * You know I'll be there * 247 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:36,216 * And I see your true colors shining through * 248 00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:39,987 * I see your true colors * 249 00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:42,856 * And that's why I love you * 250 00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:48,528 * So don't be afraid to let it show * 251 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:51,398 * Your true colors * 252 00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,366 * True colors ** [ Earl Narrating ] It was finally show day, 253 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:55,135 and Sebastian and I were feelin' good. 254 00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:57,170 And we'd gotten close too. 255 00:13:57,237 --> 00:14:01,708 I even laid out two ties out on the bed and let him pick which one I should wear. 256 00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:07,214 Now entering the ring, domestic shorthair Sebastian Duchamps, 257 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:10,984 with handler Earl J. Hickey. 258 00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:14,654 - [ Applauding ] - [ Earl Narrating ] Sebastian was keeping his cool, 259 00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:17,590 but I was more than a little nervous. 260 00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:36,576 Sir. Sir, the cones are for the cat. 261 00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:42,749 I didn't know you exchanged presents on your two-week anniversary. 262 00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:46,753 I've never had one. [ Man ] Now entering the ring, Prince Folgin-- 263 00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:49,056 - Do you like it? - I love it. 264 00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:51,591 I've also never had any jewelry before. 265 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:54,427 Well, I did have a medical alert tag, but I pawned it. 266 00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:58,198 I can't even remember what it said. 267 00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,000 [ Earl Narrating ] As Randy put on his new necklace, 268 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:03,937 he noticed it was not unlike some of the other necklaces in the room. 269 00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:08,775 I can't wait to show you off to all my friends. They all assumed I was gonna die alone. 270 00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:12,079 [ Earl Narrating ] In fact, Randy's necklace wasn't the only thing startin' to bother him. 271 00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:17,184 He was startin' to think maybe the way Judy treated him wasn't normal. 272 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:28,761 Get down. Get down from there. Go on. Shoo! 273 00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:30,663 Go, go, go, go, go, go. 274 00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:42,475 Hey, Hilary! Hilary, it's me! 275 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:45,345 Wait right there! I want you to meet Randy! 276 00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:49,082 Come on, big boy! Come on. Come on. 277 00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:51,284 Come on. Get over here. 278 00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:59,659 Enough! What? 279 00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:03,430 I'm not a cat. 280 00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,032 [ Cat Meows ] 281 00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:11,938 [ Man ] Here's Justina with her two feline siblings. 282 00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:15,542 Randy! What is going on? 283 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:19,879 I know you're not a cat. I mean, is it this? 284 00:16:19,946 --> 00:16:22,715 You know, what if you got lost, and someone needed to find where you-- 285 00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:25,318 I'm a human. When I get lost, I ask somebody for directions. 286 00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:27,387 I do it, like, four times a week. 287 00:16:27,454 --> 00:16:31,124 Okay. All right. Just-Just calm down, all right? It-- 288 00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:33,993 Who's my special boy? Who's my special boy? 289 00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:36,329 Come on! Come on! Who's my-- 290 00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:40,367 Oh, my God. Look at me. 291 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:43,970 Oh, I'm so sorry. It's okay. 292 00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:47,006 Sometimes people do things without realizin' that they're doin' 'em. 293 00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:49,842 I tried so hard. 294 00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:51,978 I guess I am who I am, you know? 295 00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:55,348 I-- I guess... I'm a cat lady. 296 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:58,185 Maybe someday I'll be granted three wishes, 297 00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:00,720 and I can use one to wish I wasn't allergic to cats. 298 00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:03,123 And then I'd still have two left for flyin' and world peace. 299 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:06,759 Of course, that would mean that Candy-Randy Ice Cream would have to wait, 300 00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:09,062 but that was basically just rocky road with Red Hots. 301 00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:11,898 I wish I could be a different person. 302 00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:14,767 I don't. 303 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:21,374 Hey, mind if I keep that collar? It'll remind me of you. 304 00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:24,111 Here you go. 305 00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:26,045 I don't have anything to give you, 306 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:29,048 but you'll remember me when you turn on your lamp and it falls apart, 307 00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:31,984 because I broke it and didn't want to tell you. 308 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,621 Second place, to a Persian. 309 00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:37,690 Like your cat's better just 'cause it's from France. 310 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:40,893 We gotta go to Hendersonville next week for the next cat show. 311 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,131 Don't worry, buddy. We're gonna mop the floor with that furry little slut. 312 00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,366 It's all right, Earl. I'll take him. 313 00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,469 Oh! But he's on my list. 314 00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:52,139 I'll finish what you started. 315 00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:54,541 - Good-bye, Randy. - Bye. 316 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:58,745 Hey, did you miss me? Huh? Oh, you are ripped! 317 00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:02,682 Feel that little bicep, you sexy, sexy boy. 318 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,452 Wait. Why is she takin' the cat? How are you and her gonna-- 319 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:09,722 We broke up. Should I get the boom box? 320 00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:14,026 No. I don't think I need it. She liked me, Earl. 321 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:18,198 Even when I laughed so hard I ripped one, she laughed so hard she ripped one. 322 00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:20,300 She liked me. 323 00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:22,469 Good for you, buddy. 324 00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:26,306 You know, I bet there's a lot of girls out there that would like the real Randy. 325 00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:29,342 All I need is one-- one that hates cats. 326 00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:32,379 And birds. And pickles-- dill pickles-- 327 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:35,382 Not the bread-and-butter kind that Aunt Paula used to make. 328 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:39,186 And Wednesdays. She's gotta hate Wednesdays too. 329 00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:50,463 [ Door Opens ] 330 00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,737 [ Shouting On TV ] 331 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,975 Earl. Earl. 332 00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,212 Yeah? 333 00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:07,880 That sleepwalkin' guy is back again. 334 00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:11,684 Probably just thinks this is his room. He lives right below us. 335 00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,886 I know. I just thought I should tell you. 336 00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:17,056 You want me to get rid of him? I don't know. 337 00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:20,327 I'm not as scared of him anymore now that I know he's not a ghost. 338 00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:22,362 But it's hard to sleep with a stranger in here. 339 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:24,497 I'll go talk to him. 340 00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:28,701 No, I don't think you should. I heard that if you wake one of 'em up, it'll kill 'em. 341 00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,737 That's only true if you scare him. 342 00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,772 If you ease him awake, he should be fine. 343 00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:35,942 Okay, I'll try. 344 00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:45,218 [ Quietly ] Paul. Paul. 345 00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:48,087 Paul. Paul. 346 00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:50,523 Paul. Paul. 347 00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:56,496 Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. 348 00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:59,232 [ Louder ] Paul? Paul. Paul? 349 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:02,869 Paul. Paul. Paul. 350 00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:07,139 Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. 351 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:11,043 Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. 352 00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:15,014 Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. 353 00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:17,817 Paul. Paul? Paul. Paul? 354 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,953 Paul. Paul. Paul? Paul. 355 00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:23,423 Paul. Paul. Paul. 356 00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:27,660 [ Gunfire On TV ] [ Horses Whinnying On TV ] 357 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,662 Paul? 358 00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:40,307 I think I'll just let him be. He'll leave when he's ready. 29474

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