Original subtitles

Hey, Earl, did you ever worry...

that you're gonna forget how to walk?

No, I can't say that I do.

'Cause when we were eatin' in there, I started to worry that when we got up,

my legs wouldn't know what to do.

They seem to be doin' all right. Yeah, for now.

But every time I sit down, it's like startin' all over again.

- [ Meows ] - We can't go that way.

We can't walk across that black cat's path.

Fine. We'll go the long way.

[ Meows ]

He circled us. I think we're stuck.

Randy, I'm not gonna stand here forever just 'cause you're superstitious.

Why? Every day of my life revolves around you believin' in karma.

Plus, we always buy the kind of cereal you like.

How long do we have to wait?

Three hours, or until a white cat circles us backwards.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] I know we must've looked pretty crazy sittin' on that sidewalk,

but Randy insisted we had to wait three hours...

before it was safe to cross a black cat's path.

Damned thing circled us.

That's it. It's 3:15. Let's go. Wait.

Ten seconds.

- [ Sighs ] - Eight, seven,

- six-- - [ Meows ]

[ Earl Narrating ] A black cat crosses your path once, it's bad luck.

It crosses your path twice, it's really bad luck.

But three times? Well, that's when karma's trying to tell you somethin'.

And it was tellin' me to fix number 56-- larceny of a kitty cat.

[ Cats Meowing ] Every year, Camden had a cat show...

which people who love cats and had a lot of time on their hands took real seriously.

And like with every competitive sportin' event-- [ Growling ]

there's always a front-runner.

- Randy. Randy, that's him. That's him. - Where? I can't see anything.

These cats are makin' my eyes watery and my tongue all itchy.

I think I'm allergic to whatever God makes 'em out of.

Okay, Sebastian. Come on. It's time for your last-minute floss.

Smile big like Mommy.

And you think of somethin' you like, like tuna or a really slow mouse.

[ Earl Narrating ] So who would want me to harm such a beautiful animal...

just so they had a better chance of winnin' the first-place cash?

What the hell you lookin' at? You wanna know if her heinie works, I'll bring you a turd.

[ Earl Narrating ] Being a big Tonya Harding fan,

Joy wanted me to Nancy Kerrigan the cat so it couldn't compete.

But I was havin' trouble gettin' it done.

I don't even know where a damn cat knee is. My hands are burnin'.

Ooh, it's droolin' and hummin' that weird "I like you" sound even though I hate it.

[ Earl Narrating ] I wanted to help Joy,

but Sebastian's eyes must've been prettier than Nancy Kerrigan's,

'cause I just couldn't do it.

So I sneaked him into a place where he'd be welcome...

and could pee wherever he wanted to: The sleepy cat lady's house.

[ Cats Meowing ]

With Sebastian out of the picture, Joy thought her cat might actually have a chance.

Healthy teeth. Nice coat.

Ma'am, is your cat wearing lipstick?

Mm-hmm, Lip Smackers-- same as mine.

And are these colored contact lenses? Yeah.

It was not easy gettin' 'em in there. He's been jumpy ever since I waxed his eyebrows.

Charlotte, we have a code "C" over here.

What's goin' on? Am I a winner?

[ Earl Narrating ] Not only did Joy's cat not win,

- it got rescued and put into kitty foster care. - Hold on!

I gotta give those contacts back to my neighbor Lateesha before she goes on date night!

[ Earl Narrating ] Since karma wanted me to get Sebastian back to the girl I stole him from,

well, I went back to the sleeping cat lady's house.

Everything was exactly how it was before, except for the smell.

It was three years worse.

Unfortunately, to a guy like me, all cats look the same,

and I couldn't tell which one was Sebastian.

[ Meowing ]

To be honest, I was kind of hopin' after all these years of not havin' her cat,

Judy would've moved on.

But she hadn't. How could you do that to such an innocent creature?

It was his idea. I asked the same thing... in my mind.

At least this means he's not lost.

We know where to find him. That's good, right?

Yeah, I guess. You know, I'm tryin' not to hate you right now,

because hate is not what Sebastian is about.

We sure are gonna get a big tickle out of this when we see each other. [ Giggles ]

I like those dents in your face.

There they are again. Quit!

[ Earl Narrating ] I had a suspicion about why Randy was actin' so peculiar,

but before I could even think about that,

I had to brace my nostrils for one more trip into the sleeping cat lady's house.

[ Cats Meowing ]

- Randy, we'll be right out j-- - I'm comin' in.

[ Earl Narrating ] Not much'll get Randy into a house full of cats.

And judging by his smile, I knew he had a crush on Judy.

[ Judy ] Sebastian Phillips Duchamps! [ Meows ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Even though he had let himself go, Judy could still pick out Sebastian,

which was a lot easier than pickin' him up.

Well, he certainly has put on an extra few pounds.

Hmm, fatty-fat-fat-fat? [ Meows ]

But Mommy won't be too critical, 'cause critical mommies make for bulimic teenagers...

that become needy adults that drink a lot of red wine.

I'll help you. [ Grunts ]

[ Earl Narrating ] There's only two things that Randy does that scare me.

One is the way he stops breathin' when he's sleepin'.

The other is when he pretends to be someone he isn't because he likes a girl.

There was the artsy chick he dated who smoked cloves and ate bone marrow.

There was the girl whose parents were Hasidic Jews.

And the only member of the Camden County Black Power movement.

The women liked Randy, until he stopped pretendin' to be somebody else...

and started just bein' Randy.

I like it okay, I guess. But I think...

when people talk about their dreams, it's kind of boring.

Unless there's aliens in it. Did Martin Luther King's dream have aliens in it?

[ Earl ] Unfortunately, Martin Luther King's dream didn't have aliens in it.

And that was just the beginning. ** [ Punk ]

It's not that he didn't try. It was just a question of time...

before the real Randy exposed himself.

This art doesn't have a flusher.

[ Earl Narrating ] And even though Randy usually wore the right thing,

he always said the wrong thing.

Sorry that took so long. Got my foreskin caught in my zipper.

[ Gasps ] After each breakup, Randy'd get pretty depressed.

He didn't turn to drugs or alcohol,

but he did turn to something slightly harder to live with.

** [ Slow Pop ]

* Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick *

* And think of you *

* Caught up in circles *

* Confusion is nothing new *

* Flashback, warm nights *

* Almost left behind *

* The second hand unwinds *

* If you're lost, you can look and you will find me *

* Time after time *

* If you fall, I will catch you I will be waiting *

* Time after time *

* Time after time *

* Time after time *

* Time-- *

[ Softly ] * Time after time **

[ Earl Narrating ] I was hopin' this time would be different, 'cause even though Randy...

- liked the dents in that lady's face, he hated cats. - I love cats.

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy had started datin' the cat lady...

and was fightin' through his allergies to make things work.

You're right! Gettin' out of my place to get some fresh air is a great idea.

[ Earl Narrating ] But just like every other time he pretended to be someone else,

I knew this was gonna end badly. [ Meowing ]

I'm worried about him, Crabman. Have you talked to him?

I tried, but whenever you talk about Randy's personal life,

he gets edgy and turns everything back on you.

- It's like steppin' on a rake. - Earl, buy me some chicken wings.

You can't buy your own chicken wings?

I'm facin' my third strike and could spend the rest of my life in prison,

and you can't grant me six scrawny-ass wings, some celery sticks and blue cheese?

Fine. Get her some wings.

And a pitcher of margaritas.

Tip him good too. We're savin' up for the kids' braces.

Or a trampoline. [ Chuckles ]

That stupid cat is makin' my hands burn and my eyes water,

and my tongue's startin' to feel like it did...

when I ate all that pink cotton candy stuff in the attic.

You should take allergy medicine. I take it all the time.

It relaxes me in social situations.

I tried that. It helped with the itching, but it made me a little bit too thirsty.

* Chugalug, chugalug *

* Make you wanna holler hidey-ho *

* Burns your tummy don't ya know *

* Chugalug, chugalug *

* Chugalug, chugalug *

* Make you wanna holler hidey-ho *

* Burns your tummy don't ya know *

* Chugalug, chugalug *

* Chuga-jiggle-jaggle, yeah **

I don't need medicine. I'm fine.

Randy, I need to talk to you about somethin'... personal.

Oh? Maybe I need to talk to you about somethin' personal, jerk-head.

See? Steppin' on a rake.

Randy, you need to listen to this.

Yeah, maybe you need to listen, mustache-too-big-for-your-face.

Look, buddy, lash back all you want,

but I gotta say, I don't know why you have to lie to Judy and be somethin' you're not.

I mean, you're gonna have to be yourself sooner or later. Why not just do it now?

If I'm myself, she won't like me, left-eye-lower- than-the-right-one.

Of course she won't like you. You hate cats, and she's eventually gonna find out.

I've seen it happen, time after time.

Well, I'd rather have a girlfriend for two weeks than no girlfriend for no weeks.

Just leave me alone.

If you fall, I won't catch you.

I won't be waitin'.

[ Man On TV ] As the majestic hues-- [ Purring ]

Oh, look, the Grand Canyon! We should go there, all three of us.

We could take a car ride and sleep in a tent and take one of those burro rides.

I could be on one burro, and you could hold Sebastian on another.

You're so strong. He's gonna wanna ride with you anyway.

I hate cats. What?

- Huh? - You hate what? What'd you say?

[ Sighs ] I'm allergic to cats.

And even if I wasn't allergic, I don't like 'em, 'cause they act like they're better than me,

which maybe they are.

I'm sorry. I've been actin' like I'm somebody else,

and-- and that's who you like-- not me.

Now-- [ Sniffles ] [ Meows ]

if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy a new Cyndi Lauper CD and have myself a little cry.

Randy, wait.

I don't want to end up like that sleepy cat lady.

You're not like her. You're young and pretty...

and alert enough to wake up if somethin' pees on you.

No, I mean I don't want to end up alone.

Look, Randy, I'll get rid of Sebastian.

[ Growling ]

I win.

[ Earl Narrating ] The good news was Randy and Judy were gonna be together.

The bad news is I had to figure out what to do with Sebastian.

Crabman, two beers, and put one in a bowl, please.

Why do you still have that cat? I've been tryin' to find a home for him,

but nobody wants a chubby cat who wheezes after he takes a dook.

Maybe make his a light beer.

- Hey, Joy, you want a cat? - Do I look like I want a damn cat?

I think you should put this cat on your list, Earl.

No, the girl I took him from's on there. I don't put animals on my list.

I'm serious. He used to be a proud champion before you stole him.

Now he just looks sad. I can see it in his eyes.

He misses bein' a champ. [ Purring ]

I saw Carl Lewis at the airport once, and he looked the same way.

Look, I'm not puttin' a cat on my list.

You would if you looked into his eyes.

[ Joy ] He does have nice eyes, Earl.

Five bucks if you kiss him on the lips.

[ Earl Narrating ] The thought of putting an animal on my list seemed crazy.

But what if he did miss bein' a champion 'cause of what I did?

The more I stared, well, the more I started to see...

a sad little Carl Lewis in there starin' back at me.

Damn it.

While I entered the new world of tryin' to get a cat back into championship shape,

Randy entered the new world of being himself around a girlfriend.

Don't you wanna take your shoes off and get comfortable?

My feet smell. That's what feet are supposed to do, silly.

Why do you think God put 'em so far away from your nose?

Quit. It's cute.

* I see your true colors *

* And that's why I love you *

* So don't be afraid *

* To let it show *

* Your true colors *

* Your true colors *

* Are beautiful like a rainbow *

* If this world makes you crazy *

* And you've taken all you can * [ Growling ]

* Then you call me up *

* You know I'll be there *

* And I see your true colors shining through *

* I see your true colors *

* And that's why I love you *

* So don't be afraid to let it show *

* Your true colors *

* True colors ** [ Earl Narrating ] It was finally show day,

and Sebastian and I were feelin' good.

And we'd gotten close too.

I even laid out two ties out on the bed and let him pick which one I should wear.

Now entering the ring, domestic shorthair Sebastian Duchamps,

with handler Earl J. Hickey.

- [ Applauding ] - [ Earl Narrating ] Sebastian was keeping his cool,

but I was more than a little nervous.

Sir. Sir, the cones are for the cat.

I didn't know you exchanged presents on your two-week anniversary.

I've never had one. [ Man ] Now entering the ring, Prince Folgin--

- Do you like it? - I love it.

I've also never had any jewelry before.

Well, I did have a medical alert tag, but I pawned it.

I can't even remember what it said.

[ Earl Narrating ] As Randy put on his new necklace,

he noticed it was not unlike some of the other necklaces in the room.

I can't wait to show you off to all my friends. They all assumed I was gonna die alone.

[ Earl Narrating ] In fact, Randy's necklace wasn't the only thing startin' to bother him.

He was startin' to think maybe the way Judy treated him wasn't normal.

Get down. Get down from there. Go on. Shoo!

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Hey, Hilary! Hilary, it's me!

Wait right there! I want you to meet Randy!

Come on, big boy! Come on. Come on.

Come on. Get over here.

Enough! What?

I'm not a cat.

[ Cat Meows ]

[ Man ] Here's Justina with her two feline siblings.

Randy! What is going on?

I know you're not a cat. I mean, is it this?

You know, what if you got lost, and someone needed to find where you--

I'm a human. When I get lost, I ask somebody for directions.

I do it, like, four times a week.

Okay. All right. Just-Just calm down, all right? It--

Who's my special boy? Who's my special boy?

Come on! Come on! Who's my--

Oh, my God. Look at me.

Oh, I'm so sorry. It's okay.

Sometimes people do things without realizin' that they're doin' 'em.

I tried so hard.

I guess I am who I am, you know?

I-- I guess... I'm a cat lady.

Maybe someday I'll be granted three wishes,

and I can use one to wish I wasn't allergic to cats.

And then I'd still have two left for flyin' and world peace.

Of course, that would mean that Candy-Randy Ice Cream would have to wait,

but that was basically just rocky road with Red Hots.

I wish I could be a different person.

I don't.

Hey, mind if I keep that collar? It'll remind me of you.

Here you go.

I don't have anything to give you,

but you'll remember me when you turn on your lamp and it falls apart,

because I broke it and didn't want to tell you.

Second place, to a Persian.

Like your cat's better just 'cause it's from France.

We gotta go to Hendersonville next week for the next cat show.

Don't worry, buddy. We're gonna mop the floor with that furry little slut.

It's all right, Earl. I'll take him.

Oh! But he's on my list.

I'll finish what you started.

- Good-bye, Randy. - Bye.

Hey, did you miss me? Huh? Oh, you are ripped!

Feel that little bicep, you sexy, sexy boy.

Wait. Why is she takin' the cat? How are you and her gonna--

We broke up. Should I get the boom box?

No. I don't think I need it. She liked me, Earl.

Even when I laughed so hard I ripped one, she laughed so hard she ripped one.

She liked me.

Good for you, buddy.

You know, I bet there's a lot of girls out there that would like the real Randy.

All I need is one-- one that hates cats.

And birds. And pickles-- dill pickles--

Not the bread-and-butter kind that Aunt Paula used to make.

And Wednesdays. She's gotta hate Wednesdays too.

[ Door Opens ]

[ Shouting On TV ]

Earl. Earl.

Yeah?

That sleepwalkin' guy is back again.

Probably just thinks this is his room. He lives right below us.

I know. I just thought I should tell you.

You want me to get rid of him? I don't know.

I'm not as scared of him anymore now that I know he's not a ghost.

But it's hard to sleep with a stranger in here.

I'll go talk to him.

No, I don't think you should. I heard that if you wake one of 'em up, it'll kill 'em.

That's only true if you scare him.

If you ease him awake, he should be fine.

Okay, I'll try.

[ Quietly ] Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul.

[ Louder ] Paul? Paul. Paul?

Paul. Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul? Paul. Paul?

Paul. Paul. Paul? Paul.

Paul. Paul. Paul.

[ Gunfire On TV ] [ Horses Whinnying On TV ]

Paul?

I think I'll just let him be. He'll leave when he's ready.