All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S02E04.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

Hey, Earl,
did you ever worry...

that you're gonna
forget how to walk?

No, I can't say that I do.

'Cause when we were eatin'
in there, I started to worry
that when we got up,

my legs wouldn't
know what to do.

They seem to be doin'
all right.
Yeah, for now.

But every time I sit down,
it's like startin'
all over again.

- [ Meows ]
- We can't go that way.

We can't walk across
that black cat's path.

Fine. We'll go
the long way.

[ Meows ]

He circled us.
I think we're stuck.

Randy, I'm not gonna
stand here forever just
'cause you're superstitious.

Why? Every day of my life
revolves around you
believin' in karma.

Plus, we always buy
the kind of cereal you like.

How long do we have to wait?

Three hours, or until
a white cat circles us
backwards.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I know we must've looked pretty
crazy sittin' on that sidewalk,

but Randy insisted
we had to wait three hours...

before it was safe to cross
a black cat's path.

Damned thing circled us.

That's it. It's 3:15.
Let's go.
Wait.

Ten seconds.

- [ Sighs ]
- Eight, seven,

- six--
- [ Meows ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
A black cat crosses your path
once, it's bad luck.

It crosses your path twice,
it's really bad luck.

But three times?
Well, that's when karma's
trying to tell you somethin'.

And it was tellin' me
to fix number 56--
larceny of a kitty cat.

[ Cats Meowing ]
Every year,
Camden had a cat show...

which people who love cats
and had a lot of time on
their hands took real seriously.

And like with every
competitive sportin' event--
[ Growling ]

there's always a front-runner.

- Randy. Randy, that's him.
That's him.
- Where? I can't see anything.

These cats are makin'
my eyes watery
and my tongue all itchy.

I think I'm allergic to
whatever God makes 'em out of.

Okay, Sebastian. Come on.
It's time for your
last-minute floss.

Smile big like Mommy.

And you think of somethin'
you like, like tuna
or a really slow mouse.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So who would want me to harm
such a beautiful animal...

just so they had
a better chance of winnin'
the first-place cash?

What the hell you lookin' at?
You wanna know if her heinie
works, I'll bring you a turd.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Being a big Tonya Harding fan,

Joy wanted me to Nancy Kerrigan
the cat so it couldn't compete.

But I was havin' trouble
gettin' it done.

I don't even know where
a damn cat knee is.
My hands are burnin'.

Ooh, it's droolin' and hummin'
that weird "I like you" sound
even though I hate it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I wanted to help Joy,

but Sebastian's eyes
must've been prettier
than Nancy Kerrigan's,

'cause I just couldn't do it.

So I sneaked him into a place
where he'd be welcome...

and could pee
wherever he wanted to:
The sleepy cat lady's house.

[ Cats Meowing ]

With Sebastian out of the
picture, Joy thought her cat
might actually have a chance.

Healthy teeth.
Nice coat.

Ma'am, is your cat
wearing lipstick?

Mm-hmm, Lip Smackers--
same as mine.

And are these
colored contact lenses?
Yeah.

It was not easy gettin' 'em
in there. He's been jumpy ever
since I waxed his eyebrows.

Charlotte, we have
a code "C" over here.

What's goin' on?
Am I a winner?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Not only did Joy's cat not win,

- it got rescued and put
into kitty foster care.
- Hold on!

I gotta give those contacts
back to my neighbor Lateesha
before she goes on date night!

[ Earl Narrating ] Since karma
wanted me to get Sebastian back
to the girl I stole him from,

well, I went back to
the sleeping cat lady's house.

Everything was exactly
how it was before,
except for the smell.

It was three years worse.

Unfortunately,
to a guy like me,
all cats look the same,

and I couldn't tell
which one was Sebastian.

[ Meowing ]

To be honest, I was kind of
hopin' after all these years
of not havin' her cat,

Judy would've moved on.

But she hadn't.
How could you do that
to such an innocent creature?

It was his idea.
I asked the same thing...
in my mind.

At least this means
he's not lost.

We know where to find him.
That's good, right?

Yeah, I guess. You know,
I'm tryin' not to hate you
right now,

because hate is not
what Sebastian is about.

We sure are gonna get
a big tickle out of this when
we see each other. [ Giggles ]

I like those dents
in your face.

There they are again.
Quit!

[ Earl Narrating ]
I had a suspicion about why
Randy was actin' so peculiar,

but before I could even
think about that,

I had to brace my nostrils
for one more trip into
the sleeping cat lady's house.

[ Cats Meowing ]

- Randy, we'll be right out j--
- I'm comin' in.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Not much'll get Randy
into a house full of cats.

And judging by his smile,
I knew he had a crush on Judy.

[ Judy ]
Sebastian Phillips Duchamps!
[ Meows ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Even though
he had let himself go, Judy
could still pick out Sebastian,

which was a lot easier
than pickin' him up.

Well, he certainly has put on
an extra few pounds.

Hmm, fatty-fat-fat-fat?
[ Meows ]

But Mommy won't be too critical,
'cause critical mommies make
for bulimic teenagers...

that become needy adults
that drink a lot of red wine.

I'll help you.
[ Grunts ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
There's only two things that
Randy does that scare me.

One is the way
he stops breathin'
when he's sleepin'.

The other is when he pretends
to be someone he isn't
because he likes a girl.

There was the artsy chick
he dated who smoked cloves
and ate bone marrow.

There was the girl whose parents
were Hasidic Jews.

And the only member
of the Camden County
Black Power movement.

The women liked Randy,
until he stopped pretendin'
to be somebody else...

and started just bein' Randy.

I like it okay, I guess.
But I think...

when people talk
about their dreams,
it's kind of boring.

Unless there's aliens in it.
Did Martin Luther King's dream
have aliens in it?

[ Earl ] Unfortunately,
Martin Luther King's dream
didn't have aliens in it.

And that was just the beginning.
** [ Punk ]

It's not that he didn't try.
It was just a question
of time...

before the real Randy
exposed himself.

This art doesn't
have a flusher.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And even though Randy
usually wore the right thing,

he always said
the wrong thing.

Sorry that took so long.
Got my foreskin caught
in my zipper.

[ Gasps ]
After each breakup,
Randy'd get pretty depressed.

He didn't turn
to drugs or alcohol,

but he did turn to something
slightly harder to live with.

** [ Slow Pop ]

* Lying in my bed
I hear the clock tick *

* And think of you *

* Caught up in circles *

* Confusion is nothing new *

* Flashback, warm nights *

* Almost left behind *

* The second hand unwinds *

* If you're lost, you can look
and you will find me *

* Time after time *

* If you fall, I will catch you
I will be waiting *

* Time after time *

* Time after time *

* Time after time *

* Time-- *

[ Softly ]
* Time after time **

[ Earl Narrating ] I was hopin'
this time would be different,
'cause even though Randy...

- liked the dents in that
lady's face, he hated cats.
- I love cats.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy had started datin'
the cat lady...

and was fightin'
through his allergies
to make things work.

You're right! Gettin' out of
my place to get some fresh air
is a great idea.

[ Earl Narrating ]
But just like every other time
he pretended to be someone else,

I knew this was gonna
end badly.
[ Meowing ]

I'm worried about him,
Crabman.
Have you talked to him?

I tried, but whenever
you talk about
Randy's personal life,

he gets edgy and turns
everything back on you.

- It's like steppin' on a rake.
- Earl, buy me
some chicken wings.

You can't buy
your own chicken wings?

I'm facin' my third strike
and could spend the rest
of my life in prison,

and you can't grant me
six scrawny-ass wings, some
celery sticks and blue cheese?

Fine.
Get her some wings.

And a pitcher of margaritas.

Tip him good too.
We're savin' up
for the kids' braces.

Or a trampoline.
[ Chuckles ]

That stupid cat is makin'
my hands burn and my eyes water,

and my tongue's startin'
to feel like it did...

when I ate all that
pink cotton candy stuff
in the attic.

You should take
allergy medicine.
I take it all the time.

It relaxes me in
social situations.

I tried that. It helped with
the itching, but it made me
a little bit too thirsty.

* Chugalug, chugalug *

* Make you wanna
holler hidey-ho *

* Burns your tummy
don't ya know *

* Chugalug, chugalug *

* Chugalug, chugalug *

* Make you wanna
holler hidey-ho *

* Burns your tummy
don't ya know *

* Chugalug, chugalug *

* Chuga-jiggle-jaggle, yeah **

I don't need medicine.
I'm fine.

Randy, I need to talk to you
about somethin'... personal.

Oh? Maybe I need to talk to you
about somethin' personal,
jerk-head.

See? Steppin' on a rake.

Randy, you need
to listen to this.

Yeah, maybe you need to listen,
mustache-too-big-for-your-face.

Look, buddy, lash back
all you want,

but I gotta say, I don't know
why you have to lie to Judy
and be somethin' you're not.

I mean, you're gonna have to
be yourself sooner or later.
Why not just do it now?

If I'm myself, she won't
like me, left-eye-lower-
than-the-right-one.

Of course she won't like you.
You hate cats, and she's
eventually gonna find out.

I've seen it happen,
time after time.

Well, I'd rather have
a girlfriend for two weeks
than no girlfriend for no weeks.

Just leave me alone.

If you fall,
I won't catch you.

I won't be waitin'.

[ Man On TV ]
As the majestic hues--
[ Purring ]

Oh, look, the Grand Canyon!
We should go there,
all three of us.

We could take a car ride
and sleep in a tent and take
one of those burro rides.

I could be on one burro,
and you could hold Sebastian
on another.

You're so strong.
He's gonna wanna ride
with you anyway.

I hate cats.
What?

- Huh?
- You hate what?
What'd you say?

[ Sighs ]
I'm allergic to cats.

And even if I wasn't allergic,
I don't like 'em, 'cause they
act like they're better than me,

which maybe they are.

I'm sorry.
I've been actin' like
I'm somebody else,

and-- and that's
who you like-- not me.

Now--
[ Sniffles ]
[ Meows ]

if you'll excuse me, I need
to go buy a new Cyndi Lauper CD
and have myself a little cry.

Randy, wait.

I don't want to end up
like that sleepy cat lady.

You're not like her.
You're young and pretty...

and alert enough to wake up
if somethin' pees on you.

No, I mean I don't want
to end up alone.

Look, Randy,
I'll get rid of Sebastian.

[ Growling ]

I win.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The good news was Randy and Judy
were gonna be together.

The bad news is
I had to figure out
what to do with Sebastian.

Crabman, two beers,
and put one in a bowl, please.

Why do you still have that cat?
I've been tryin'
to find a home for him,

but nobody wants
a chubby cat who wheezes
after he takes a dook.

Maybe make his
a light beer.

- Hey, Joy, you want a cat?
- Do I look like
I want a damn cat?

I think you should put this cat
on your list, Earl.

No, the girl I took him
from's on there.
I don't put animals on my list.

I'm serious.
He used to be a proud champion
before you stole him.

Now he just looks sad.
I can see it in his eyes.

He misses bein' a champ.
[ Purring ]

I saw Carl Lewis
at the airport once,
and he looked the same way.

Look, I'm not puttin' a cat
on my list.

You would if you
looked into his eyes.

[ Joy ]
He does have nice eyes, Earl.

Five bucks if you kiss him
on the lips.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The thought of putting an animal
on my list seemed crazy.

But what if he did
miss bein' a champion
'cause of what I did?

The more I stared, well,
the more I started to see...

a sad little Carl Lewis
in there starin' back at me.

Damn it.

While I entered the new world
of tryin' to get a cat back
into championship shape,

Randy entered the new world
of being himself
around a girlfriend.

Don't you wanna
take your shoes off
and get comfortable?

My feet smell.
That's what feet are
supposed to do, silly.

Why do you think God put 'em
so far away from your nose?

Quit. It's cute.

* I see your true colors *

* And that's why I love you *

* So don't be afraid *

* To let it show *

* Your true colors *

* Your true colors *

* Are beautiful
like a rainbow *

* If this world
makes you crazy *

* And you've taken all you can *
[ Growling ]

* Then you call me up *

* You know I'll be there *

* And I see your true colors
shining through *

* I see your true colors *

* And that's why I love you *

* So don't be afraid
to let it show *

* Your true colors *

* True colors **
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was finally show day,

and Sebastian and I
were feelin' good.

And we'd gotten close too.

I even laid out two ties
out on the bed and let him pick
which one I should wear.

Now entering the ring,
domestic shorthair
Sebastian Duchamps,

with handler Earl J. Hickey.

- [ Applauding ]
- [ Earl Narrating ] Sebastian
was keeping his cool,

but I was more
than a little nervous.

Sir. Sir, the cones
are for the cat.

I didn't know you
exchanged presents on
your two-week anniversary.

I've never had one.
[ Man ] Now entering the ring,
Prince Folgin--

- Do you like it?
- I love it.

I've also never had
any jewelry before.

Well, I did have
a medical alert tag,
but I pawned it.

I can't even remember
what it said.

[ Earl Narrating ]
As Randy put on
his new necklace,

he noticed it was not unlike
some of the other necklaces
in the room.

I can't wait to show you off
to all my friends. They all
assumed I was gonna die alone.

[ Earl Narrating ] In fact,
Randy's necklace wasn't the only
thing startin' to bother him.

He was startin' to think
maybe the way Judy treated him
wasn't normal.

Get down.
Get down from there.
Go on. Shoo!

Go, go, go,
go, go, go.

Hey, Hilary!
Hilary, it's me!

Wait right there!
I want you to meet Randy!

Come on, big boy!
Come on. Come on.

Come on.
Get over here.

Enough!
What?

I'm not a cat.

[ Cat Meows ]

[ Man ]
Here's Justina with
her two feline siblings.

Randy!
What is going on?

I know you're not a cat.
I mean, is it this?

You know, what if you got lost,
and someone needed to find
where you--

I'm a human. When I get lost,
I ask somebody for directions.

I do it, like,
four times a week.

Okay. All right.
Just-Just calm down,
all right? It--

Who's my special boy?
Who's my special boy?

Come on! Come on!
Who's my--

Oh, my God.
Look at me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's okay.

Sometimes people do things
without realizin' that
they're doin' 'em.

I tried so hard.

I guess I am who I am,
you know?

I-- I guess...
I'm a cat lady.

Maybe someday
I'll be granted
three wishes,

and I can use one to wish
I wasn't allergic to cats.

And then
I'd still have two left
for flyin' and world peace.

Of course, that would mean
that Candy-Randy Ice Cream
would have to wait,

but that was basically
just rocky road
with Red Hots.

I wish I could be
a different person.

I don't.

Hey, mind if I keep
that collar?
It'll remind me of you.

Here you go.

I don't have anything
to give you,

but you'll remember me
when you turn on your lamp
and it falls apart,

because I broke it
and didn't want to tell you.

Second place,
to a Persian.

Like your cat's better
just 'cause it's from France.

We gotta go to
Hendersonville next week
for the next cat show.

Don't worry, buddy.
We're gonna mop the floor
with that furry little slut.

It's all right, Earl.
I'll take him.

Oh!
But he's on my list.

I'll finish what you started.

- Good-bye, Randy.
- Bye.

Hey, did you miss me? Huh?
Oh, you are ripped!

Feel that little bicep,
you sexy, sexy boy.

Wait. Why is she
takin' the cat?
How are you and her gonna--

We broke up.
Should I get
the boom box?

No. I don't think I need it.
She liked me, Earl.

Even when I laughed so hard
I ripped one, she laughed
so hard she ripped one.

She liked me.

Good for you, buddy.

You know, I bet there's
a lot of girls out there that
would like the real Randy.

All I need is one--
one that hates cats.

And birds. And pickles--
dill pickles--

Not the bread-and-butter kind
that Aunt Paula used to make.

And Wednesdays.
She's gotta hate Wednesdays too.

[ Door Opens ]

[ Shouting On TV ]

Earl. Earl.

Yeah?

That sleepwalkin' guy
is back again.

Probably just thinks
this is his room.
He lives right below us.

I know. I just thought
I should tell you.

You want me to get rid of him?
I don't know.

I'm not as scared of him
anymore now that I know
he's not a ghost.

But it's hard to sleep
with a stranger in here.

I'll go talk to him.

No, I don't think you should.
I heard that if you wake
one of 'em up, it'll kill 'em.

That's only true
if you scare him.

If you ease him awake,
he should be fine.

Okay, I'll try.

[ Quietly ]
Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul.

Paul.
Paul.

Paul. Paul. Paul.
Paul. Paul.

[ Louder ]
Paul? Paul. Paul?

Paul. Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul.
Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul. Paul.
Paul.

Paul. Paul.
Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul?
Paul. Paul?

Paul. Paul.
Paul? Paul.

Paul. Paul.
Paul.

[ Gunfire On TV ]
[ Horses Whinnying On TV ]

Paul?

I think I'll just let him be.
He'll leave when he's ready.