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1
00:00:00,901 --> 00:00:03,704
My name is Earl.
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:06,907
[ Earl Narrating ]
Most mornings I wake up
thinking about the list.
3
00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:10,811
But sometimes I have more
important things on my mind,
like court.
4
00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:14,082
I'm gonna ask the judge
to smash this walnut
with his judge hammer.
5
00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:16,317
I bet it explodes
like a Death Star.
6
00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:20,388
You might be disappointed,
like when you got that tow truck
driver to drag your pumpkin.
7
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:23,591
He drove off before
I could get the wig on it.
8
00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:27,027
Earl, thanks again
for loaning us all this money.
No problem, Crabman.
9
00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:31,165
Besides,
what kind of man doesn't help
his ex-wife make bail?
10
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:34,502
Recently, Joy and Bargain Bag
had a difference of opinion
on their return policy.
11
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,937
- You can't return this.
- I have returned it.
12
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:39,940
- And somehow or another,
I'm gonna get my $3,000 back.
- No, you won't.
13
00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:42,110
- Yes, I will.
- No. You won't.
14
00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:45,246
- Yes, I will!
- In Joy's opinion, they were
being a little unethical.
15
00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:48,516
- Cha-ching!
- So she stole their truck.
16
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,084
[ Tires Screeching ]
17
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:54,955
We found out there was more
in the Bargain Bag truck
than she bargained for.
18
00:00:55,022 --> 00:01:00,128
I tried to help Joy,
but she was goin' down a path
I could not follow.
19
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:03,164
That path eventually
led her to jail.
20
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,673
Damn it, Carla!
Stop givin' me flat tires.
21
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:16,510
- That is the third one
since we got off the bus.
- Settle down.
22
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:20,614
Should I ask him now, Earl?
23
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:24,552
I saw a guy back there
with pistachios, and I don't
want him to go before me.
24
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:27,355
I don't think he's here
to get 'em cracked, Randy.
25
00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:34,094
[ Mouthing Words ]
26
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:38,132
- [ Judge ]
Joy Turner.
- Yes, Your Highness?
27
00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:40,934
Mrs. Turner, do you have
an attorney today?
28
00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:42,970
Oh, I don't need one.
29
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:46,207
I wasn't about to put my mouth
near that pay phone after
that meth head puked on it.
30
00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:50,444
- Very well. Bail is set
at one million dollars.
- [ Gavel Raps ]
31
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:53,013
- Excuse me?
- This is your third strike.
32
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,082
Third what?
33
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:58,118
[ Earl Narrating ] Apparently,
this incident wasn't Joy's first
serious run-in with the law.
34
00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:01,522
Back in 1996,
Joy had a bright idea on how
to make some extra money.
35
00:02:01,589 --> 00:02:03,524
Can we get some more green ink
in this machine?
36
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,593
Is that--
Are you copying money?
37
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:08,596
Shh! Don't say anything.
I'll make it worth your while.
38
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:11,031
Ma'am, I'm afraid
I can't let you--
What are you doing?
39
00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:12,933
We have a policy.
I signed a loyalty oath!
40
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,503
That is my fake money!
Copy responsibly!
Copy responsibly!
41
00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:17,671
[ Earl Narrating ]
Strike one: counterfeitin'.
42
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:21,475
And when Joy was gettin'
taken in for her first strike,
things got worse.
43
00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:24,144
Easy, gorilla.
I just bought
these fingernails.
44
00:02:24,212 --> 00:02:25,913
You don't like the process,
don't do the crime.
45
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:30,050
Let go! I can do it myself.
Damn it! You just broke one!
46
00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:33,887
[ Grunts ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Strike two:
assault on a police officer.
47
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:37,991
Third strike?
I can't go away for life!
Hey, I want a deal!
48
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:42,430
I know things about all
those women! Jesus did not tell
Carla to kill her sick mama.
49
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,965
She just wanted
to go out dancin'!
Tell 'em the truth, Carla!
50
00:02:45,032 --> 00:02:47,668
Don't lie! Tell 'em!
51
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:52,973
I don't know
if you remember me.
52
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,510
I was the guy with that pecan
when my brother tried
to steal the plane.
53
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,718
I don't know how you're
gonna make bail, Joy.
54
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:07,855
The bondsman will cost 10%.
That's a hundred grand.
55
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:10,858
I don't even have
that much money left.
But you still have some.
56
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:14,728
We can take it and copy it
and then have a hundred grand.
You know, counterfeit.
57
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:17,631
You've really been focused
on that walnut today,
haven't you, Randy?
58
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:20,534
Guys, I'm a flea's fart away
from life in prison here.
59
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:23,271
Someone needs to figure out
what the hell we're gonna do.
60
00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:26,307
[ Earl Narrating ] Every group
of friends has one person
they turn to for advice.
61
00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:28,175
Guns N' Roses had Axl.
62
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:30,378
Knight Rider
had the talkin' car.
63
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:32,813
And for my little circle
of delinquents,
64
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:36,950
the day I made my list
and turned my life around,
well, that person became me.
65
00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:40,288
Why are you even
worrying about this?
Joy is in jail.
66
00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:44,224
We should be in the town square
celebrating and tipping over
a giant, evil statue of her.
67
00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:47,328
I know you don't like Joy,
but I just can't let her
sit in jail.
68
00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:52,132
I don't like Joy either.
I also don't like it when they
put raisins in candy bars.
69
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:55,135
- Are you done
with your pulled pork?
- [ Earl ] Yeah, I can't eat.
70
00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:59,807
Man, my eye's messed up.
Feels like there's a tiny little
bug heart beatin' in my eyelid.
71
00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:03,544
- It's twitching.
That means you have stress.
- I don't have stress.
72
00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:07,781
Stress is for doctors
and lawyers and army guys who
have to shoot dogs and whatnot.
73
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:11,051
[ Sighs ]
What are you doin', Randy?
74
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:15,289
I'm makin' a list of rich people
with a million dollars
we can borrow for Joy's bail.
75
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:18,292
"The Beverly Hillbillies."
They're super rich.
76
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:22,095
They're pretend, Randy,
just like Richie Rich
and Donald Trump.
77
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:26,534
- They're just TV characters.
- Well, the Jeffersons
are real, right?
78
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,303
'Cause we saw Mr. Jefferson
at the boat show last year.
79
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,372
Remember,
we gave him a dollar
to say "Weezy"?
80
00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:34,808
Randy, we're not gettin'
any money from these guys.
81
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,445
If you're gonna
come up with names,
think of people we... know.
82
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:41,915
[ Earl Narrating ] There was
a name on that bag we could use,
but Randy didn't write it.
83
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:44,084
It was the only rich guy
we actually knew.
84
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,819
Chubby.
85
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,756
[ Earl Narrating ]
Richard Chubby was the
richest man in Camden County.
86
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:52,626
He owned everything.
You wouldn't clean your body
with discount chemicals,
87
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,529
so why should you treat
your clothes any differently?
88
00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:58,265
'Cause if there's one thing
your clothes can appreciate--
89
00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:01,469
It's the taste of slow cookin'
with the sloppiest sauce around.
90
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:04,004
Now, our meats
are aged to perfection.
91
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:07,174
And so be sure and bring
your kids down for--
92
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,109
Lap dance madness
every Tuesday.
93
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:13,213
There's all kinds of fun
goin' on at Club Chubby,
so come on down.
94
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:18,018
And don't forget,
sweatpants are allowed,
and truckers shower for free.
95
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,155
** [ Blues ]
96
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:25,325
[ Earl Narrating ]
I wasn't lookin' forward to
askin' Chubby for the money.
97
00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:27,795
See, if he was poor,
we'd call him crazy.
98
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,564
But since he was rich,
we just called him "sir."
99
00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:34,167
So as you can see, uh, Joy's
really in a bind here, sir.
100
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:36,604
[ Inhales ]
[ Man ]
* All through the night *
101
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:39,106
[ Shudders ]
Woof.
102
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,844
Smell it.
103
00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:46,113
Go on. Smell it.
104
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,382
[ Clears Throat ]
* Walkin' round
just like a fool **
105
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:50,418
[ Sniffs ]
106
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:53,053
Nice. Vanilla.
107
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,322
Yeah.
108
00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:57,658
Not you.
But I love vanilla.
109
00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,793
It's my third
favorite flavor.
110
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:04,097
All right.
Just a whiff.
111
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,800
[ Sniffs ]
112
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,804
[ Chuckles ]
Smells like a cupcake
with boobies.
113
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:16,109
Open up.
114
00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:19,046
This is
a real classy joint,
115
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:22,282
and I don't want to ever
hear "boobies" around here.
116
00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,151
Got that?
Uh-huh.
117
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,856
[ Sighs ]
118
00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:34,462
Vodka.
[ Laughing ]
119
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:37,998
[ All Laughing ]
120
00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:43,170
[ Forced Laughter ]
121
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:46,507
That's funny, 'cause Randy
thought he was gonna get
his head blown off.
122
00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:50,644
Yeah? I'll tell ya,
I got a problem, Earl.
123
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:53,481
I like Joy.
I like her a lot.
124
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:55,616
But I like my money too.
125
00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:58,452
Chubby, you'll get your
money back, I promise.
126
00:06:58,519 --> 00:07:02,790
I'll tell ya what. I've had
some trouble fillin' this place
since my best dancer left.
127
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:06,326
If you guys could find her,
get her dancin' again,
128
00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:08,962
I'd be glad
to sign Joy's bail.
129
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,732
Great. So what's
the dancer's name?
130
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:14,602
Uh, look,
right over there.
131
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:23,443
- Catalina?
- Wonder if he's got
any extras of those.
132
00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,445
Oh, yeah.
133
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:32,152
[ Earl Narrating ]
We always knew that Catalina
used to work at Club Chubby.
134
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:34,688
We just never realized she
was their number-one dancer.
135
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:38,626
Catalina's just gotta
dance again. I've already
imagined it, and it's great.
136
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:41,529
I'd show it to you,
except it's inside my head.
137
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:44,698
I don't know, Randy.
It's kind of a hard thing
to ask a friend.
138
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:47,300
"Hey, Catalina, you feel
like workin' for a crazy man...
139
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,970
"and shakin'
your half-naked body for
a bunch of sweaty drunks...
140
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:52,973
to help a woman
you can't stand
get out of jail?"
141
00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:59,813
I'm sorry, Earl. After
you said "Catalina half naked,"
I didn't hear any... thing.
142
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:05,553
Sorry.
I said "Catalina half naked,"
and I forgot what--
143
00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:12,492
I remember. You said
somethin' about Catalina
bein' half naked, and I--
144
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,494
I lost it again.
145
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:17,698
[ Earl Narrating ]
Sometimes Randy gets trapped
in his own brain loop.
146
00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:20,233
It also happens
when he watches
Back to the Future.
147
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:23,036
When he finally
popped out of it,
we went to talk to Catalina.
148
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,972
[ Woman On Radio ]
* Everybody *
[ Man ] Get crazy!
149
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,040
* Everybody *
Get crazy!
150
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:29,476
Wow, look at you!
Dancin'.
* Everybody, everybody **
151
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:32,813
The music and the movement
keep the rats
from attacking my ankles.
152
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:37,718
Do it, Earl. Just remember,
don't start with the words
"half naked" because I--
153
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:44,091
Wow. So, uh, you've got
some good moves.
154
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:46,594
You used to do that
for a livin', right?
Yeah.
155
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,396
I wonder which half's
gonna be naked. I hope
it's the front half.
156
00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:52,332
Randy!
157
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:55,268
I remember now.
Club Chubby, right?
158
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:57,771
Say, was that, uh--
was that a good experience?
159
00:08:57,838 --> 00:09:01,341
You got to wear a bikini.
It's almost like gettin' paid
to go to the beach, right?
160
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:04,411
Only instead
of sand in your crack,
you get dollar bills.
161
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:08,481
Yeah, it was the perfect job.
I made great money.
It was glamorous.
162
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,051
But unfortunately,
it became too dangerous.
163
00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:13,587
[ Earl Narrating ]
Catalina explained that her act
was a little different,
164
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:16,724
but made crowds go insane.
[ Cheering ]
165
00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:20,894
* Jump around, jump around
jump around *
166
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:23,296
[ Earl Narrating ]
Most dancers at Club Chubby
just danced,
167
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:25,298
but Catalina,
she was special.
168
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:28,669
She jumped.
* Jump, jump, jump
jump, jump *
169
00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:31,705
* Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump *
170
00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:35,943
[ Earl ] But in the end,
Catalina found the risks as
a go-go dancer far too great.
171
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:39,880
* Jump, jump, jump
jump, jump, jump *
[ Gasps ]
172
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:41,949
- * Jump, jump, jump *
- [ Gasps ]
173
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:44,351
* Jump, jump, jump, jump **
174
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,353
** [ Organ ]
175
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,756
[ Earl Narrating ]
After seein' how deadly
her jumping could be,
176
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:50,891
Catalina made a promise
to herself.
177
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:53,861
I will never dance again.
178
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:57,731
Tell the part
about the jumpin' again.
179
00:09:57,798 --> 00:10:02,836
Look, if you enjoy dancin'
and love the extra money,
it's crazy that you quit.
180
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:05,806
- What if the family
forgave you?
- How could they?
181
00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,875
I killed a husband
and a father.
182
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:11,979
Listen, since I started
the list, I've found that people
can be pretty understanding.
183
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:16,383
Unless you're a girl
with one leg, but I think she
was already angry to start with.
184
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:20,821
Anyway, I think you'll
feel better if you talk
to this guy's family.
185
00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:25,592
No one apologized to me for
the execution-style slaying
of my cousins...
186
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:28,528
during the Festival
of Redemption.
187
00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:31,865
But you know what?
It would've felt nice.
188
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,771
- I'll do it.
- Jump around, jump around.
189
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:41,742
Jump up, jump up
and get down.
190
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:46,546
I mean,
when you're ready.
191
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:50,283
[ Earl Narrating ] It turns out
the horny guy with the weak
heart was a club regular.
192
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:53,320
So Chubby knew his name
and that he had
a family business.
193
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:56,757
Hello.
I'd like to see Mr. Tucker,
Clark Tucker's son.
194
00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,759
What is it regarding?
195
00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:03,196
Tell him the woman is here
who is responsible for
his father's tragic death.
196
00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:08,135
[ Gasps ]
You are as beautiful
as the legends describe.
197
00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:12,873
The slayer
of el diablo has come!
198
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,311
Mr. Tucker made us work
16 hours a day...
199
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:21,581
in a cramped,
sweltering hot room
for almost no money.
200
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:24,051
You mean, like this?
201
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:28,421
Oh, no. Mr. Tucker's son,
he install a fan.
202
00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:32,192
You see that, Catalina?
'Cause of you, this place
isn't a sweatshop anymore.
203
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:35,528
Just a place where people
work unreasonable hours
for low pay.
204
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:38,665
But at a comfortable
88 degrees. Come!
205
00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:41,301
- [ Applause ]
- I can dance again.
206
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:44,404
[ Crashing ]
[ Gasping ]
207
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:49,642
- I was just
turnin' it on high.
- Oh!
208
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,679
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was glad Catalina was willing
to go back to Club Chubby...
209
00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:55,348
'cause that meant
I'd be able to get Joy
out of jail soon.
210
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,985
But Randy was probably
the happiest of all.
211
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,158
You're very good at this.
212
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:08,328
I used to help my mom with this
before she did her mall walkin'.
213
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,397
Oh, does your mother
like to exercise?
214
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:13,500
- Let's not talk
about my mom right now.
- Okay.
215
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:16,469
** [ Blues Rock ]
216
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:19,206
Pooch, in about 10 minutes
I'll be in my office.
217
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,842
I want you to send over
a steak and a girl,
218
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:24,912
both drenched
in hollandaise sauce.
219
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:28,048
Thanks for doin' this,
Chubby.
220
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:30,650
And, uh, if you don't mind,
I'd rather Catalina not know...
221
00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:32,652
you're gonna bail
Joy out tomorrow.
222
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:35,755
I hear ya.
You gettin' a little somethin'
from both those gals?
223
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,858
Just a really bad case
of eye twitches.
224
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:40,260
I got that
from Desiree once.
225
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:43,730
Gotta wash your hands
real good and drink a lot
of cranberry juice.
226
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:46,099
[ Earl Narrating ]
For a second, I thought
my plan had worked out.
227
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:49,269
Hey, Earl.
Hey, Crabman.
228
00:12:49,336 --> 00:12:51,338
[ Earl ]
But then I realized
what Darnell was holdin'.
229
00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:53,807
See, when Darnell's happy with
somethin' you've done for him,
230
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:57,110
he always thanks you
the same way--
with homemade lemon squares.
231
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:03,316
As good as they were,
those tasty little treats
were gonna screw up my plan...
232
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,685
'cause Darnell wasn't
givin' 'em to me.
233
00:13:05,752 --> 00:13:09,256
He was givin' 'em
to Catalina to thank her
for bailin' out Joy.
234
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:13,093
And there was only one response
Catalina was gonna have to that.
235
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:17,564
[ Announcer ]
A round of applause
for Catalina!
236
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:22,035
[ Men Chanting ]
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
I will not jump for Joy.
237
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:24,304
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
238
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:27,407
Jump! Jump!
Jump! Jump!
239
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:34,414
[ Earl Narrating ]
Catalina was angry about
the whole Club Chubby thing,
240
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,716
but there was someone else
who was even angrier.
241
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:39,319
She wouldn't dance?
That's all them people do
is dance.
242
00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:42,923
Did you try
throwin' a hat down
in front of her?
243
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:52,165
Hi. My man's not here.
You want to chat?
244
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:54,868
Okay.
What are you in for?
245
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:57,737
I killed my man.
246
00:13:57,804 --> 00:14:00,607
Look, Joy, people
don't want to help you
when you insult them.
247
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,276
That's why that troop of
"flat-chested pigmy sluts"...
248
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,612
won't deliver
Girl Scout cookies
to you anymore.
249
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:08,015
Fine. Whatever.
Just bring her down here,
and I'll apologize.
250
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:10,583
Really? I didn't know
you knew how to do that.
251
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:13,320
I'll do anything
to get out of here, Earl.
It's horrible.
252
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:17,057
I can't even use
the toilet in my cell because
my roommate's makin' wine.
253
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:19,426
I'm sorry.
You seem really nice.
254
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:22,295
But I just don't
feel comfortable puttin'
the phone down my pants...
255
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,932
and lettin' you
talk to my stuff.
256
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:30,037
[ Earl Narrating ]
Generally, people don't like
seein' their enemies,
257
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:33,073
but they do like seein'
their enemies behind bars.
258
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,411
Nice jumpsuit.
Ain't you sweet.
259
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:42,349
Now, Earl tells me
that for some crazy reason
you think we're not friends.
260
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:45,418
The first time you saw me,
you called me a whore.
261
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:48,221
No, you just misunderstood
what I said.
262
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:50,890
Which is understandable,
I mean, because you're Mexican.
263
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:54,694
I'm not Mexican.
Whatever.
You speak Mexican.
264
00:14:54,761 --> 00:15:00,000
- I speak Spanish.
- You both speak "friendly,"
so let's just go with that.
265
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:04,237
Look, I'm not stupid.
I know you hate me,
and I know why you hate me.
266
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:08,275
It's because I'm hot.
Excuse me?
267
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,978
Damn it.
There goes the eye again.
268
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,912
You're jealous
of my hotness.
269
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:16,916
Admit it, and I'll consider
using my incredible body
to free you from prison.
270
00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:21,421
But not the prison
of your fat body. For that,
you have a life sentence.
271
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:26,226
I'm jealous? Sweetheart, I'm
about 10 times hotter than you.
You're a man compared to me.
272
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:30,597
Really? 'Cause the line on
my stomach is from my muscles
and not a C-section scar.
273
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:33,333
That is not a C-section scar!
That's from where my prom date
stabbed me.
274
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,802
I had both my babies
naturally.
275
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:40,040
Then I'm sure your gatito
is as saggy as your breasts.
Do these look saggy to you?
276
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:43,010
I could float half your village
across a muddy river
on these puppies!
277
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:47,114
I've heard enough.
This was a hell of an apology.
Enjoy your jail time.
278
00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:53,420
And by the way, your eyeballs
are too big for your head.
You look like Finding Nemo.
279
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,755
My eyeballs are big?
280
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:58,691
Yeah, well, all the better
to see your fat ass
waddle away with!
281
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,030
Really? You couldn't
pretend to be nice
for two minutes?
282
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:07,000
I've seen you act crippled
for a half day just to skip
the lines at Six Flags.
283
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:09,002
Look, I don't need her.
284
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:12,439
If Chubby wants a top earner,
then I'll dance and earn
more than she ever did.
285
00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:14,741
I'm made in America,
not a maid in America.
286
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:20,213
You'd be laughin'
if you could see how I
spelled that in my head.
287
00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:26,553
[ Earl Narrating ]
Chubby had always wanted
to see Joy in a bikini,
288
00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:30,323
and he figured other people
might like that too,
and he was right.
289
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,559
Had a bomb gone off
in there that night,
290
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:35,162
there wouldn't have been
a straight man left in Camden.
291
00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:37,130
God, there's a lot of people
I know out there.
292
00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:40,600
What the hell does
my gyno expect to see
that he hasn't seen already?
293
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:45,072
Man, why am I so nervous?
I don't know.
294
00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:49,476
You've sure danced naked
in front of us enough times.
Not at the same time, but--
295
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:52,479
Actually, uh,
there was that one time when
I was hiding in the closet.
296
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:55,182
Wait. Was that
on Thanksgivin'?
297
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:58,885
- Yeah, we thought
you'd fallen asleep.
- I thought I heard somethin'.
298
00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:01,954
First I thought
it was a squirrel.
Man, that is some wild stuff.
299
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:05,192
Can you ladies take
your tea party outside?
I need to calm my nerves.
300
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,794
How long were you in there?
For a couple of hours, man.
301
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,363
[ Earl Narrating ]
I would've stayed and talked her
through her stage fright,
302
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,432
but it was clear
Joy didn't need me.
303
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:15,268
All she needed
was a nip of whiskey,
304
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:18,271
followed by
a pint of tequila.
305
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:20,473
** [ Rock ]
[ Announcer ]
All right, Camden County!
306
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,276
It's time to turn
your imaginations off
and your eyeballs on...
307
00:17:23,343 --> 00:17:27,447
for the sensual gyrations
of Joy Turner!
308
00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:31,151
[ Cheering ]
309
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:35,054
Hey, this ain't my song.
310
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:37,824
No, this ain't--
this ain't my song.
311
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,593
* My blood runs cold
My memories have just
been sold *
312
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,795
Yes, it is!
313
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:47,334
[ Earl ] Although Joy had
consumed enough liquor to have
the courage to get up on stage,
314
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,569
well, she was dangerously close
to fallin' off.
315
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:53,640
Change! What the hell
do I look like, a fountain?
316
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:55,942
* Angel is a centerfold
Na, na, na-na-na-na **
317
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,711
[ Gagging ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out Joy was a fountain.
318
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:02,682
After she threw up
on the entire front row,
Chubby called off the deal.
319
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,418
I can't go to jail, Earl.
I can't give up this freedom.
320
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:08,388
-What are we gonna do now, Earl?
-Hold on, Randy. I'm thinkin'.
321
00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:12,425
We don't have a lot of time.
They'll come get Joy as soon
as Chubby takes his bail back.
322
00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:14,227
I know. Give me
a minute to think.
323
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:17,164
We don't have a minute, Earl.
I need you to help me.
324
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:20,066
- I can't raise
them kids on my own.
- They'll eat him alive.
325
00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:23,636
He can't even cook
for his own damn self. How's
he gonna cook for two boys?
326
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,838
I can't have 'em.
I love my nephews, but--
327
00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:29,576
[ Earl Narrating ] You know
how I said every group looks
to one guy for all the answers,
328
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:31,544
and that guy is me?
329
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:35,582
Well, sometimes that guy
passes out from the pressure.
330
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:41,087
[ Inhaling, Exhaling ]
331
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,190
- Hey, Earl.
- ** [ Hip-hop ]
332
00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:45,192
Hey, Crabman.
333
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:48,027
[ Earl Narrating ]
I started to realize
where I was and what happened.
334
00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:51,298
But then I heard that song,
and, well, I figured
I must be dreamin'.
335
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,466
Catalina's jumpin', Earl.
336
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:56,936
It's just like
it was in my head,
only now I can show it to you.
337
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:59,639
[ Earl Narrating ]
Only I wasn't.
338
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:03,976
* Jump around
Jump around *
339
00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:06,679
* Jump around *
340
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:08,748
* Jump up, jump up
and get down *
341
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:11,418
* Jump, jump, jump
jump, jump *
342
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,687
* Jump, jump, jump, jump
jump, jump, jump, jump **
343
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:17,657
[ Announcer ]
Give it up for Catalina!
344
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:21,694
Hey. So what made you
change your mind about Joy?
345
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:24,197
Oh, I would never
change my mind about Joy.
346
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:26,233
She's a buttbag.
A what?
347
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,268
A buttbag.
It's a bag of butts.
348
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:32,905
Anyway, when you passed out,
I realized you were killing
yourself to help a friend.
349
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:37,244
Joy's "gynocologicalist" said
I had an anxiety attack.
350
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,679
I don't know why I let it
all bother me so much.
351
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,215
Because you're a good man,
a good friend.
352
00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:44,317
You care so much,
it was tearing you apart.
353
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:48,621
I was the only one who could
ease your pain, but I was being
small and petty. A buttbag.
354
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,624
[ Announcer ]
Gentlemen, let's see if we
can get her back up here.
355
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,694
Now a nice round of applause
for Catalina!
[ Cheering ]
356
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,564
Always remember this:
When I jump, I jump for Earl.
357
00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,832
I would never jump for Joy.
358
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:04,471
[ Cheering, Whistling ]
359
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:07,139
[ Earl Narrating ]
And just like that,
Joy was out on bail.
360
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:10,877
Randy got to see
what was already in his head,
my eye stopped twitchin',
361
00:20:10,943 --> 00:20:15,648
and Catalina was back to
doin' somethin' she loved,
which made everybody happy,
362
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:18,050
especially the truckers
in sweatpants.
363
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:22,789
But most importantly,
I realized that even though
Catalina wasn't Joy's friend,
364
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:24,724
she was definitely mine.
365
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:34,166
Hey, Earl?
Yeah, Randy?
366
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,469
If I had a squirt gun
filled with vodka,
367
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:39,706
I'd shoot cops with it
'cause they couldn't get mad.
368
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:42,675
I think they'd still
get mad, Randy.
Really?
369
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,978
But they'd
be gettin' free vodka.
I'm gonna try it.
370
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,983
Well, have fun,
'cause you're only gonna
get to do it once.
371
00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:53,019
Good night, Randy.
372
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:55,622
Good night, Earl.
32355
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