All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S02E01.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] Joy and
Darnell had recently learned
a few tips on how to fight...

while watchin' Dr. Phil
on TV.

You are making me feel
very angry because my needs
aren't bein' met.

And you are making me feel
angry because your needs
don't make sense.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately, one episode
of Dr. Phil...

couldn't undo years of
watchin' Springer.

Don't be a dummy, damn it!
Just do what I tell you to!

Throw me a surprise party
for my birthday next month.
But you won't be surprised.

I can act surprised.
Look.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Not only was the two of them
arguing fun to watch,

but it also gave me a chance
to do number 183 on my list--

never took Joy's side.

When we were married,
I wasn't very good...

at backing up my wife
in arguments with strangers.

Twelve ball, side pocket.

Okay, do it again,
and I'm gonna pop those booby
implants of yours...

and make you fly around this bar
like a loose balloon.

It was an accident, Joy.

And I think they're real.

Oh, so you're on her side?

[ Narrating ] And I definitely
didn't take her side when it
came to arguments with family.

Oh, I know you did not
just monkey-grab a chip
out of that bowl.

That actually takes quite
a bit of skill, Joy.
Try to dip one in the salsa.

Oh, so you're on his side?

[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't even take her side
in arguments with things...

that couldn't argue back.

Dang it!
Got crab juice in my eye.

That's 'cause you cracked it
the wrong way. You should
always crack away from you.

Oh, so you're on
the crab's side now?

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was. And it was time
to make up for it.

I've been waitin' my whole life
for somebody to throw me
a surprise party.

I'm sick of waitin'.
This year I want one.

She's got a good point,
Darnell.
You hear that?

And that's comin' from
the husband I left.

You can only imagine what kind
of thin ice you're on.

Fine. I'll throw you
a surprise party
for your birthday.

[ Cell Phone Rings ]
Gotta take that.

It's about damn time
you called me back.
I am in a bind here.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The bind she was talkin'
about was complicated.

It started 'cause Joy was
obsessed with some TV show...

called
Britney and Kevin: Chaotic.

I swear, those two are
like American royalty.

Oh, snap!

Look at that big-ass
TV disappear into that
entertainment center.

I want a disappearin' TV.
Yeah.

With a bottle of Cristal
sittin' on top.
That's how the Federlines roll.

We're gonna get us one of those
disappearin' TV furniture
things. I mean it. I want it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So about a week ago, Joy
finally saved up enough money...

to get that disappearin' TV.

But unfortunately,
she ran into a big problem.

[ Grunting ]

I got an idea.

Come on. You got it.
Push.

Come on.
It's almost in there.

Push.

I got an idea.

Damn it! How did
Britney and Kevin do it?

[ Grunting ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
When Joy went to return it, she
ran into yet another problem.

- You can't return this.
- What?

- The receipt has gum in it.
- I know. It's Fruit Stripe.
Just pull it off.

I'm sure you can still see
the disappearin' TV furniture
thing on there.

The gum took off half
the item number.

Sorry. The system
won't take it back
without an item number.

What? Uh-uh.
Oh, hell, no.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After 45 minutes of arguin'
and throwin' a shoe,

Joy realized she was
just gonna have to make
the best of her situation.

[ TV Turns On ]

So much glare out here, I can't
tell if that's the white lady
judge or the black lady judge.

Hey, get out of
my damn livin' room!
[ Thunderclap ]

Oh, God, please, no.

I need a third umbrella!
Maybe we should unplug
the cord before--

Son of a bitch.

Okay, I'm leavin' it here.
It's yours.
I have returned it.

And somehow or another,
I'm gonna get
my $3,000 back.

- No, you won't.
- Yes, I will.

- No. You won't.
- Yes, I will.

** [ Rock ]

[ Man ]
* Ooh-hoo

* Billy Joe shot a man
while robbin' his castle *

Cha-ching!

* Ooh-hoo

* Go on
Take the money and run *

* Go on
Take the money and run *

* Ooh-hoo

I got my $3,000!
[ Laughing ]

* Go on
Take the money and run *

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy stashed the truck
in the woods until today,

when she finally got a call
from the one guy in Camden
County who would buy anything.

- It's too risky.
- Too risky?

You sold a damn
Iranian baby.

Yeah, but it didn't have
"Iranian Baby" painted on
the side of it in big letters.

Like they're not
gonna know he's Iranian
once he's old enough to talk.

Look, this is a great deal.
All I want is the $3,000
that they owe me.

Whatever.
I don't buy stolen trucks
from amateurs.

- Why not?
- Same reason I don't let
amateurs cut my hair.

They make mistakes.

It was not mistake.

Yeah, well, you better pray
I find that earlobe.

He won't find.

Jasper is too much sissy
to be real criminal.

This is why we live
in cement closet.
Bring me to this truck.

I will buy with my own money
I steal from Jasper.

I like you.
If I could ever get used...

to staring at that thing on
your face, we could hang out.

This is no truck.
This is giant camper.

Something is fishes.
You are police.
I know it.

Oh, calm down.
I just gotta pick up
the truck keys.

So jumpy
all of a sudden.
I just don't like surprises.

[ All ]
Surprise!

[ Panting ]

- What the hell are you doing?
- Throwing you a surprise
birthday party.

- My birthday is not
until next month.
- That's the surprise part.

- Idiot.
- It was Earl's idea.

Y'all are all idiots!

I think you should go
talk to her.
Dumb dummies!

Yeah,
that's not gonna happen.

That lady dropped her purse,
and some stuff rolled out.

Cool.
It's an earlobe.

So you planned all this
because of some list thing?

Number 183--
never took Joy's side.
Now, come back in.

We got a whole piñata full of
cigarettes for you to swing at.

- I don't feel like it.
- Why? You're the one
that wanted a party.

Not when it's
gonna cost me $3,000.

[ Balloon Squeaking ]

[ High-pitched ]
* We represent
the Lollipop Guild *

* The Lollipop Guild
The Lollipop Guild *

Randy, those aren't
helium balloons.

[ Normal Voice ]
Oh, too bad.
[ Balloon Squeaking ]

- You stole a truck?
- Because they wouldn't
give me my money back.

It was a crime of principle,
like when Rosa Parks
stole that bus.

- They wouldn't even
give you store credit?
- No.

- That doesn't seem fair.
- Thank you.

Which is why you have to
help me sell the truck.

Sell the truck?
Joy, that's against the law.

Earl, this is not about the law.
It's about right and wrong.

Isn't that what your list
is about? Rightin' wrongs?
Do unto others?

All that Robin Hood,
Batman, Jesus stuff?

Well, you got a good point.
The store did do you wrong.

I don't know if Jesus or Batman
would sell the truck,
but Robin Hood might.

Okay, I'll do it.

But you're not gettin'
a penny more than $3,000.

Of course not.
That would be wrong.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The first thing you have to do
with a stolen truck...

is make sure it can't
get traced back to its owner.

Randy was especially excited
about this.

Somethin' about the combination
of fumes and bright colors...

made Randy love to spray paint.

In fact, he made
a name for himself...

as one of Camden County's
most gifted graffiti artists.

It's perfect, Earl.
Yeah, it really is.

I just don't know
if it's a good idea...

to paint your name in
six-foot letters on the side
of a stolen truck.

I'm gonna go into town and
get some more white paint
to cover up my name.

Good idea.

If the cops come while I'm gone,
tip it on its side.

That's pretty. I'd probably
read more often if people
wrote like that all the time.

What's in there, anyway?
I don't know.

You haven't even looked yet?
No.

I just want my three grand.
I don't really care
what's back there.

But there could be
$3,000 worth of stuff in here--

TVs, stereos, nunchakus.

Be a lot easier to sell that
stuff than this stolen truck.

Oh.

Wait!

[ Man ]
Ow!

[ Screams ]

There's a man in there, Joy!
There's a man in the truck.

I know.
A hairy one.

Why is there a man
in the truck, Joy?
I don't know!

Maybe he was in there
when you stole it.

Do I look stupid enough
to steal a truck with a man
in the back of it?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out Joy was that stupid.

Some poor guy was unloadin'
boxes when Joy decided to
get her revenge on the store.

After she ran off,
he tried to get out,
but the door was locked.

Okay, you got me.

Let's get back to work now.
Eric!

Help!

[ Earl Narrating ] Luckily,
this truck was from a store that
sold a little bit of everything.

So he had plenty to eat and
plenty to keep him entertained.

Yes! Nice.

Help! Anybody?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Why did I help you?
Why? Why? Why?

All right, all right. Look.
We'll leave him in
the back of the truck.

We'll make an anonymous call
so they know where to find him.

I am not leavin' this truck.
I still need to sell it.

With a man locked in the back?
Don't you think that's
gonna be problem?

- For the person who buys it.
- We're not sellin' a truck
with a man in the back!

Look, if we let him out, he's
gonna see what we look like.

Maybe not.

[ Earl Narrating ]
We finally figured out a way
to release the guy Joy stole.

We just had to
stay out of sight.

[ British Accent ]
All right, love, I want you
to listen to me carefully...

and do everything I say,
and everything'll be okay.

Why are you talking funny?
'Cause I don't want him
to identify my voice.

Yeah, but it sounds weird.
It's British.
That's how they sound.

British people don't steal
trucks. They drink tea
and live in castles.

You still out there?
[ British Accent ]
Uh, I-- I'm here, ma'am.

Uh, here's what
I want you to do.

I want you to take off
your shirt and use it
as a blindfold.

You sound like a gay
Kermit the Frog.

Okay! Blindfold's on!

Right, then.
Now, when the back door opens,
I want you to start running,

and don't look back
or I'll shoot you.

And by the way,
what you call soccer,
we call football.

See?
This worked out okay.

[ Grunts ]

Crap, crap, crap! Why me?
Why do bad things always happen
to good people?

Seems like most of the
bad things are happening
to this guy.

Let's just get out of here
before he wakes up.
We can't go, Joy.

What if a wild animal comes
along and mauls him
while he's out?

Just pee a circle around him.
That'll keep the animals away.

I'm not gonna pee a circle
around him. What if
he wakes up and sees me?

So I gotta do everything?
Look, we're not leavin' him.

Help me get him
in the back of the truck.
We gotta get him to a hospital.

We'll get caught.
No, we won't.

We'll drop him off and
drive away like people do
with babies and grandparents.

So me and Joy put the passed-out
guy in the back of the truck
and headed to the hospital.

You like my earrings?

Yeah, I do like those earrings.
I was about to say
something earlier,

but then I got distracted
by the hostage and all.

Where'd you get 'em?
Flea market. You know the guy
who sells the tube socks?

The guy with the regular
tube socks or the guy
with the irregular tube socks?

Irregular. Guy with regular
went out of business.
Good. He was a jerk.

Thought his socks made
the world go around.

Yeah. Anyway,
I got the earrings from
irregular tube sock's wife.

- They're nice.
- Thanks.

- One's bigger than the other.
- Yeah, I wasn't gonna
say anything.

Look, Earl, I know this
hasn't been a great day,

but I really appreciate you
helpin' me out.

Who knows?
Maybe one day we'll look back
on this as an adventure.

Yeah, maybe so.

[ Engine Chugging ]

Outta gas?

Yep.

The plan was for me to walk to
a gas station while Joy stayed
behind to guard the truck.

Hey, bring me
somethin'.
What?

I don't know.
Somethin' fun.

Surprise me.
But with chocolate and peanuts.

- Snickers?
- Damn it, Earl,
I said surprise me!

[ Earl Narrating ]
So I headed off.

** [ Rock ]

[ Man ]
* I got to run
to keep from hiding *

* And I'm bound
to keep on riding *

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was four miles of walking,

but I got the gas and
made it back to the truck.

* But I'm not gonna
let 'em catch me, no *

* Not gonna let 'em
catch the midnight rider *

Hey, Earl.
How'd you know
where to find us?

I went back to the woods
and the truck was gone, but
I found the note you left.

I didn't leave a note.
I know, Earl.

I was being sarcastic.
You should've left a note.

You don't have to add it
to your list or anything,
but it would've been nice.

I'm sorry, Randy.
Where's Joy?

I don't know.
I figured she was with you.

Come here! Come here!

[ Grunts ]

There she is.

- What the hell happened?
- Well--

Apparently Joy was too hungry
to wait for me to get back,

and she remembered
seein' snacks in the truck.

[ British Accent ]
Yoo-hoo.
You still knocked out?

Jolly good, then.

Son of a bitch
Ferris Bueller'd me.

Hey, Earl, how come we got
a guy in his underpants?

'Cause he was in the back
of the truck and was
accidentally kidnapped.

You know how Mom used
to say,

"Always wear clean underwears,
'cause you never know
what's gonna happen?"

I bet she was talkin'
about stuff like this.

Probably. Randy, can you
put him in the truck?

What do you hate more,
flies or mosquitoes?

Why?
Just making conversation.
Damn, never mind.

Mosquitoes.

Me too.

You know, they say mosquitoes
in Africa kill people.

Can you imagine the size
those things gotta be?

- Pretty big.
- [ Engine Starts ]

- Randy, where's the guy?
- I put him in the truck,
like you said.

I meant the back
of the truck!

Drive faster!
He's gettin' away.
This is great, Earl.

You never drive this fast
when I ask you to.

Hey, ask him if we can have
bubble gum for dinner.

Would you just hurry up?
We gotta catch him.
Relax.

He'll run out of gas
sooner or later--

Wait a minute. What are
we gonna do when we catch him?
He saw our face.

- I think she has to kill him.
- She's not gonna
kill him, Randy.

You're not gonna
kill him, are you?
No, I'm not gonna kill him!

You could cut out his tongue.
He couldn't tell anyone what you
looked like with no tongue.

Oh, wait, he could still
draw you. Unless you cut
off his fingers too.

- Randy--
- Hey, at least he's thinkin'.

- It's not his fault
he's bad at it.
- I got it.

-You could stab him in the eyes.
-We're not stabbin' him
in the eyes.

I just gotta make sure
he doesn't squeal on me.

So we'll just snatch him up
and put him in a little cage
in the trailer.

What?
Just until he becomes our
friend and promises not to tell.

Joy, we're not puttin'
him in a cage.

Well, what else should we do,
Negative Nancy? I don't hear
you givin' us any ideas.

[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I got the only
decent idea I had all day.

This whole thing had gotten
so outta hand that there
was only one thing left to do.

[ Joy ]
What are you doin'?
Are we outta gas?

It's over, Joy.

What do you mean, "it's over"?
It's not over.
What are you talkin' about?

What are you doin'?
You said you were on my side!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy didn't realize it,
but I was on her side.

She asked me for my help
sellin' a stolen truck,

but that turned into
a kidnapping and assault.

And my past experience
as a criminal told me
it was time to call it off.

Besides, my guess was that
the guy was so scared...

he probably didn't even
get a good look at Joy.

Unfortunately,
my guess was wrong.

[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
She was charged
with grand theft auto,

kidnapping and assault.

Which would've been
my second guess.

Randy, do you think
it's my fault Joy went to jail?

Randy?

I'm tryin' to sleep, Earl.
Can't this wait till morning?

You woke me up last night
to ask if I thought monkeys
ever worried about their looks.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Do you think they do?

I already told you, if they
worried about their looks,
they'd wear pants.

Yeah.

Night, Randy.
Good night, Earl.