Original subtitles

My name is Earl.

We did it. Two beers, Crab Man.

You got it, Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] Every time I cross something off my list, I get a good feeling inside.

Here's to crossing off number 57-- gave Randy a swirly when he was five.

[ Earl Narrating ] And this time, Randy got that good feeling too.

[ Gurgling ]

Thanks for cleaning the toilet before I let Randy stick my head in it.

No problem. The last guy who got his head stuck in the toilet...

caught some disease only bats get.

Is that that guy who always hangs upside down in the bathroom?

No, that's Hector. Question, Earl.

How do you decide what you're gonna do next on your list?

If it's too personal, I'll mind my own beeswax.

Well, uh, sometimes karma gives me a sign,

other times I just pick one at random.

And sometimes he lets me pick, but I get a little freaked out when I play God.

That's why I also don't vote on American Idol.

- Can I pick one? - Sure, go ahead.

- I just did-- one. - You don't dillydally, Crab Man. I respect that.

One it is.

[ Earl Narrating ] As you might imagine, number 1 on my list was kind of special--

stole $10 from a guy at the Camden Market.

It was the last bad thing I did before I discovered karma.

It was about nine months ago. Low on funds, I was about to steal 16 ounces of breakfast,

when all of a sudden, fate smiled on me.

Five minutes later, I scratched off the lottery ticket that would change my life forever.

- [ Grunts ] - [ Screaming ]

- [ Tires Squealing ] - It would also lacerate my spleen and pop my lung.

Stealing that guy's $10 was the last straw.

Karma had had enough.

Thanks, Crab Man. It's about time I did number 1.

Good luck with that. And I hope I scrubbed that bat disease out of that toilet.

But if you start seeing with your ears and whatnot, get to a doctor.

[ Earl Narrating ] In my criminal days,

Iqball's surveillance cameras were a pain in my ass.

But since I never saw the guy's face I stole the 10 bucks from, I was lucky he kept the tapes.

Thanks for doing this, Iqball. I think it happened around 11:00.

11:00.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was also lucky I knew someone who spoke Bengali.

[ Speaking Bengali ]

[ Bengali ]

That's impressive, Patty.

I spent the early part of my 20s doing exotic sex shows in Calcutta.

The pay was good, but when the opium buzz wears off,

and you're standing there naked with a tambourine in one hand and a tiger's junk in the other,

it's time for a young girl to come home.

- Hey, there you are, Patty. - [ Bengali ]

He wants you to fast-forward this part.

There's nothin' to be ashamed of, Iqqy.

We've all got our kinky little secrets.

[ Bengali ]

[ Whispering ] How long does this go on?

[ Whispering ] You'll know it's over when he brushes my hair and feeds me a sugar cube.

Hey, there I am.

- That's him. That's the guy. - [ Patty ] I know him.

That's Paul. He's the delivery guy at Charlie's Pizza.

- We're in the same book club. - [ Iqball Laughs ]

[ Iqball Chuckles, Speaks Bengali ]

[ Bengali ]

Iqball says that guy didn't have any money to buy anything.

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Earl ] Wait a second.

He was gonna buy a lotto ticket with that money? Yeah.

I bought his lotto ticket. The winning lotto ticket was supposed to be his.

[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I realized I didn't just owe this guy $10--

I owed him every penny I have.

As soon as I realized the lottery money was supposed to belong to someone else,

I went to the bank and got out what I had left after Uncle Sam took his share.

That's a lot of money to give away.

Am I being crazy?

Yes. I think you got one of them brain worms I saw on TV.

Look, it's not like I don't wanna keep the money.

I-I can't. I'm scared.

The first time I got this money, karma hit me with a car.

You ever been hit by a car? It hurts. It hurts a lot.

I can't keep this money knowing it's not mine or karma might try and kill me again.

Maybe. Or maybe that's just what the brain worm wants you to think.

[ Sighs ] Damn it, Crab Man.

Why the hell he have to pick number 1?

But, Earl, we'll be broke.

Look, Randy, I know it sucks, but we've been broke before.

[ Groans ] I made the list, and karma brought us back the lotto ticket.

I guess we just have to hope karma takes care of us again.

I hate Darnell.

[ Earl Narrating ] Patty gave us Paul's address,

and even though he didn't like what I was doin', Randy agreed to go with me.

[ Knocking ]

Hi. We're looking for Paul.

If you're here to buy my medical marijuana lollipops from my son, you're out of luck.

I ate 'em all. [ Laughing ]

No, no. We're not here for lollipops. We brought him somethin'.

I won't let you do it, Earl! Randy, get back here!

Damn it! Randy! [ Grunts ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Once I got the money back from Randy, I explained to Paul...

all about my list, the lotto ticket and how that money was really his.

So-So this money's all mine?

Yeah. I'm five grand short, but I'll get it to you as soon as I can.

Dude, don't worry about it. This is plenty.

No, no. I'll get you the rest. I have to. Like I said, you're on my list.

He said it was plenty, Earl. Didn't you hear him?

I think you got that bat disease. How many fingers am I holding up?

[ Earl Narrating ] Not having much money was nothing new to me and Randy.

But having none at all made things hard, especially when it came to lunch.

Yeah.

There's some left in here.

I'm starving, Earl. Maybe we should go steal some food.

You know I get angry when I'm hungry, like the Hulk.

Only I don't get all green and muscly.

I just get dizzy and snap at people that don't deserve it.

Randy, we're not stealing anything.

We're stickin' to the list so somethin' good will happen to us again.

I just need to find somethin' that won't cost any money to cross off my list.

List, list, list! I swear to God, you say the word "list" one more time,

I'm gonna pull your tongue right out of your mouth and stick it up your--

I'm sorry. That was the hungry, dizzy Hulk. He comes on quick.

No, no. That-That's okay, Randy.

You can have the chip dust. I'm full.

Here we go right here. Number 119--

ruined Joy's chance to get into art school.

[ Earl Narrating ] A few years ago,

Joy found a contest in the back of a magazine to get into art school.

[ Dog Barking ] Check out that turtle.

Look at that. Looks just like the one in the magazine. I traced it perfect. Mmm.

I'm gonna go to art school. And when I do, y'all gonna have to take care of the babies. Mm-hmm.

And you're gonna see what it's like to get up at midnight...

'cause they're cryin' for more Mountain Dew.

I need a stamp.

I don't want to take care of the kids, Earl.

The black one bites me, and the white one calls me "stupid giant."

Don't worry, Randy. She's not getting into art school.

[ Earl Narrating ] A few months later, Joy finally heard back from the art school.

They said, "Art isn't for turds." Who the hell do they think they're calling a turd?

[ Earl Narrating ] I came over to talk to Joy about getting her into art school,

but all she wanted to talk about was how I gave my money away.

Well, the dummy has out-dummied himself, huh?

Well, at least now that you're poor I can stop being so nice to you. That just wears me out.

Look, will you just trace this turtle again so I can mail it in?

I told you, I don't wanna trace no damn turtle.

Joy, I just bought the stamp. I can't return it. I let Randy lick it for lunch.

[ Sighs ] I don't care about art school anymore, Earl.

I make my art on the end of people's fingers now.

Patty, you really need to stop biting these nails.

Don't tell me, tell the mayor. He's a nibbler.

Mmm. There's gotta be something I can do to make up for the drawing.

I gotta start crossing things off my list if I want my life to be better again.

Fine. You wanna make up for ruining my art career?

You can help me by expanding my new career.

I need a guinea pig to practice on so I can get my new license.

No problem. What do you what me to do?

[ Screams ]

Mother--

Oh, wait. Rip that out.

I'm supposed to explain the dangers to you first.

[ Groans ]

[ Earl Narrating ] While Joy finished making me into a human pincushion,

the lack of food was making Randy desperate.

- I crossed another one off-- Randy, no. - [ Trap Snaps ]

[ Groans ] [ Earl Narrating ] An hour later, I learned...

the only thing as painful as putting an earring in your nipple is taking it out.

[ Earl Groans ]

Ooh. That one's nice.

Where are you going?

[ Muffled ] My tongue hurts too much to watch TV. I'm going for a walk.

[ Earl Screams ]

[ Earl Narrating ] As I tried to find something else on my list that didn't require money,

Darnell was trying to help us stay alive.

Now, I know you don't have any money to buy beers,

but two ladies just left the bar and they ain't finished these.

- Here's napkins to wipe off the lipstick. - Thanks, Crab Man.

You see that, Randy? I told you karma would take care of us. Free beer.

Do good things, good things happen.

There's a cigarette in mine. So?

You know, I think having that money spoiled you, Randy.

Just pinch your lips tighter to keep the cigarette out.

Plus, it'll make your beer last longer.

Here we go. Number 206--

refused to dance with Too-tall Maggie at the eight grade dance.

I can cross that one off easy. Dancin' is free.

Here. Someone left half a hamburger by the pool table.

[ Sighs ] There's a cigarette in here too.

Give it to me, princess.

Okay. All right. No need to panic.

We'll cross Maggie off the list and things will start to get better. I know it, Randy.

I still believe. You still believe?

I still believe. Good.

We just need to stay positive and keep moving forward. Everything will work out fine.

[ Engine Sputtering ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunts ]

Where are you goin'? To dance with Maggie.

Maggie.

Now what?

I don't know. I'm really hungry.

Yeah, me too.

I spent the whole day trying to pull a peanut out of that heater vent.

Turns out it was just a moth.

- How was it? - Dry.

[ Tape: Distorted Audio ]

[ Stops ]

Uh.

I don't know if I'm about to pass out or fall asleep from exhaustion,

but it's happenin'.

Huh? Oh.

I'll give you 1,800 for it if it runs.

It runs, just not right now. It's out of gas.

I'll give you 1,785 for it.

Take it, Earl. You know this car's not worth more than 1,500.

- 1,500. - Take it, Earl. We're desperate.

1,200. Hurry, Earl. He's lowering his prices for no reason.

Sold.

It happened, Earl. You crossed something off your list and something good happened.

That's a lot of money. Enough to get all your piercing holes plugged up.

Yep, it's a lot. Damn it, Crab Man.

What? Wh-Wh-What are you doing?

I still owe Paul five grand, Randy.

No, no. I need to eat, Earl.

My stomach's making sounds I never heard it say before. It's his money, not ours.

But, Earl, we got no place to live, no car, no food. We're--

I'm sorry, Randy. Look, I have no choice. I have to stick to the list. You gotta believe.

Quit saying that! I don't believe!

You hear me? I don't believe! And I don't see how you can still believe either!

'Cause I got nothin' else, Randy! This is it. This is all I have.

I didn't even get to eat the moth!

Well, lucky you! It tasted like moth! Dry moth!

I'm sorry, Randy!

[ Earl Narrating ] It's scary to see Randy that upset.

But lucky for me, the dizzy Hulk had a bad arm and terrible aim.

And lucky for both of us, about two miles down the road we found a bus stop.

Pull the cord. Paul's house is near the next stop.

Pull the cord.

Randy, pull the cord.

Randy! Let me go. Randy.

Uh, Randy. [ Grunting ]

Aaah! Randy!

Uh, excuse me. Would you mind pulling the cord, please?

[ Thuds ] [ Woman Screams ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Luckily, Paul didn't die.

But when the force of getting hit by a bus makes your heart and liver switch places,

uh, you're gonna feel it.

How you feeling, buddy? Take the money back.

- What? - Take the money back.

Okay. W-Wait. You were just hit by a bus.

You're still a little out of it. That money is yours.

You don't know the whole story. [ Groans ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out Paul knew more about the day I won the lottery than I did.

Apparently, when you're blacked out and laying in the middle of the road, you miss a few things.

[ Tires Squealing ] The ticket didn't go far...

before it was in the hands of someone else.

And that person was faced with a decision--

Help a guy lying in the middle of the road or take the money and run.

[ Tires Squealing ]

Paul decided to run.

[ Bengali ]

Meanwhile, the old lady that hit me called her sister...

who convinced her to return to the scene of the accident.

Fine. I'll go back.

But if I go to jail, you're taking care of Mom.

Paul was making his getaway with what he thought was a stolen ticket. He was rich.

- [ Grunts ] - [ Screaming ]

[ Tires Squealing ]

It was the happiest three minutes of his life.

And over the next several days, the ticket made its way through Camden County,

just waiting for karma to deliver it to the right person.

If Willie the one-eyed mailman had better depth perception,

well, that ticket could have been his.

Some people could've even quit their day jobs.

But they were too busy working to notice.

Some people could have had it, but karma wanted them to find other things instead.

Things like love.

Other people could have had it if they just weren't busy doing the wrong thing.

I got one! Problem Child 2! I just saved us three dollars!

[ Earl Narrating ] Yep. A lot of people could've had that ticket,

but it just wasn't meant to be.

It was almost as if the ticket knew where it was supposed to go.

Okay, fine. You took the lotto ticket instead of helping me.

But that ticket was yours. Why don't you want the money?

I don't like what it did to me.

[ Earl Narrating ] And then Paul told us how the money had changed his life.

He got ridiculous new clothes. [ Mother ] Paul?

And then he dumped his mom in a discount nursing home.

Money made Paul a whole different guy.

Can you spare a dollar?

I can spare thousands of dollars, but not for you.

Whoa-oa! Oh! Damn it!

[ Woman Screams ]

It was that karma stuff you told me about, Earl.

This money's not supposed to be with me.

I have a feeling that if I keep it it's gonna kill me.

The money's supposed to be with you.

Wow, Paul. Thanks a lot.

Me and Randy'll keep using it to do good things.

Things were back to normal. Look, Earl. No cigarette butts.

That's right, Randy. It was a wild ride, but everything turned out okay.

Plus, you crossed three things off your list.

[ Slurred ] Scoot it, sweetheart. Move. Come on. Come on.

Check it out. [ Laughs ]

I'm celebratin'. I just got my hole piercing license,

which means I'm legal, unlike you.

Con esto concluimos nuestra primera temporada de Earl.

Estamos muy agradecido con su acompañamiento.

Anticipamos verlos el próximo otoño.

Blah, blah, blah.

[ Laughing ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Yep. Everything was back to normal.