Original subtitles

You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...

and then wonders why his life sucks?

Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me,

somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized I had to change.

So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,

and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin' to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] You may wonder why me and Randy are hiding in the bushes...

watching a little kid.

Well, it all started about six years ago,

and I don't mean our watching little kids.

Joy had recently given birth to my first illegitimate child.

And we didn't have a fancy nanny, so every day was "Take Your Baby to Work Day."

Alby, hurry up.

Would you two dummies relax?

Aunt Edna's birthday party 5:00 to 8:00. We got all night.

Now, who wants rich people food?

[ Gasps ] Ooh, y'all. They got real cheese.

[ Chattering, Laughing In Distance ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, the family only left...

to pick up the guest of honor.

Aunt Edna's birthday party was here.

And that changed our plans from "robbin'" to "gettin' the hell out."

Whoa.

We tried to escape, but, unfortunately,

our crime scene became a party scene, and we were trapped.

Isn't this just horrific?

George's last wife had dreadful taste.

[ Earl Narrating ] It was every man, woman...

and baby for himself.

Who's that Boo Radley guy behind the plant?

[ Woman ] That's Rose's son--

the one she was pregnant with for nearly a year.

It's really sad.

I think he's only 11.

[ Earl Narrating ] Everyone got out.

Everyone but me. Come on. It's time for bed.

Can I sleep in your bedroom? You're too old for that, Alby.

Tell me a story, Daddy.

Okay.

Once upon a time, there was a giant armadillo.

[ Woman #2 ] George, are you still up there?

You know, I should be getting back to the guests. Sleep tight, sport.

At least leave the lights on to keep the boogeyman away.

We've been through this, Alby. You know there's no such thing as the boogeyman, okay?

Good night.

There's no such thing as the boogeyman.

There's no such thing as the boogeyman.

There's no such thing as the boogeyman. [ Animal Hooting ]

There's no such thing as the boogeyman.

[ Creaks ]

[ Creaking ] There's no such thing as the boogeyman.

There's no such thing as the boogeyman.

[ Screaming ] [ Screaming ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

There is a boogeyman! There is a boogeyman!

[ Earl Narrating ] And there you have it. Number 239--

made a kid scared of the boogeyman.

Look, Earl, he's got a trampoline.

We should steal it and put it in the motel parking lot.

We could use it to go up and down from our room without having to use the stairs.

Randy, we're here for the kid, not his trampoline.

Hey there, little guy.

[ Screams ] It's you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy with that fancy hammer, kid.

J-Just put it down. I'm just here to talk to you.

[ Earl Narrating ] I explained my list and the boogeyman misunderstanding to Alby.

And I realized if you talk to kids like they're adults,

they'll treat you with the same respect. You're a butt-wad. I hate you.

I was a butt-wad, but now I'm trying not to be.

I know I can't un-scare you, but maybe there's some other way I can make it up.

- How? - Sometimes the people on my list,

they choose how I'm gonna make things up to 'em.

So whatever I say you have to do, butt-wad?

Yeah, that's kind of how it works.

[ Randy ] Whee! Be my slave all day.

You should do it, Earl. Bein' a slave could be cool. You get to sing while you work.

- Whoo! - Fine. I'll do it.

[ Earl Narrating ] Alby's suggestion was a little childish, but he was just a kid.

Unfortunately, he handled firearms like an adult.

[ Grunting ]

Okay, Edward, smile like your brother. Smile.

Edmund, get your hands off your wee-wee.

Uh, Alby, we're gonna be back late.

There's sandwich stuff in the fridge if you get hungry.

Excuse me. Uh, if you're gonna keep aiming for my crotch,

you think you can get me, like, an ashtray or somethin' I can put down the front of my pants?

I'm bored. Let's play boat.

Starboard, starboard.

That's port. I said starboard.

I told you, Alby. I don't know fancy sailing terms.

The engine does not talk to the captain. It makes engine sounds.

[ Sighs ]

[ Gurgling ]

[ Video Game Beeping ]

Wrong.

Can you at least tell me what I did wrong? Nope. Figure it out.

[ Beeping Continues ] All right.

I'll try, uh, turkey and mayo, no pickles.

Good luck with that.

[ Earl Narrating ] Once it got dark, I figured I'd be able to go home.

But Alby decided I needed to sleep underneath his window in case he needed something.

[ Crickets Chirping ] I'm gonna go to sleep.

- Try to keep the crickets down, will you? - How?

Scare 'em. You're good at that.

[ Chirping Continues ] [ Growls ]

[ Chirping Stops ]

Earl? Earl?

How's bein' a slave? Is it fun?

No, it isn't fun, Randy. I got shot with paintballs,

was used as a motorboat and was forced to race his dog on all fours.

That's not fair, Earl. A dog's used to racing on all fours.

I bet he won. Did he win?

Yeah, he won. Still, great day.

Paintball, and you got to race an animal?

You'll beat him next time. You just have to practice.

Oh. Unless the dog practices too, which it probably will.

[ Alby ] Earl! Earl! Where are you?

[ Sighs ] Great. I wonder what His Highness wants now.

Bye, Earl.

- Where were you? - I had to explain to my friends I couldn't come home...

'cause you might want a Hot Pocket at 2:00 in the morning.

I was here all alone, and you weren't here to protect me.

[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I started to realize,

well, there was more to Alby than just bein' spoiled.

And when his light stayed on all night, well, I knew for sure.

Alby was scared of the dark because some idiot hid under his bed.

And since I was that idiot, I had to help him.

I had no idea how to cure kid problems.

But I did know someone who had caused a lot of kid problems,

so I went to her for help. This feels weird.

It's not weird. It's metrosexual.

Pretty soon, metrosexuality's gonna hit Camden County,

and when all the men start turnin' into half-fruits, Joy's Nails is gonna be ready.

Joy, do you remember a few months ago when Dodge was scared of the dark?

Yeah. Unfortunately that was my fault, 'cause when he heard us having sex,

I told him it was me fighting off the wolf man.

[ Joy ] Oh, God. Oh, God.

Mommy, are you okay?

Go to bed, honey. Mommy's just fightin' off the wolf man again.

[ Wolf Howling ] [ Earl ] So how'd you cure him?

Unfortunately, he got brave one time...

and walked in tryin' to save me and saw there was no wolf man--

just Darnell plowin' me.

He still won't look me in the eye.

Okay, well, thanks for the advice.

Leave the pinkie long. I use it to get between my sock and shoe to scratch my foot.

[ Earl Narrating ] I realized the first thing I had to do to help...

was to get him to admit his fear.

What are you doing here? You only had to be my slave for a day.

It's okay to be scared of the dark, Alby.

- I'm not scared of the dark. - All right.

But even if you were, it's okay. I'm scared of stuff.

Like what?

Well, like sewer gators.

You know, they might come up and bite me when I sit on the toilet,

so most times I just kind of hover.

I am scared of the dark, Earl.

I'm gonna help you get over that.

[ Earl Narrating ] Alby agreed to dim the lights a little each night,

as long as I was there to protect him.

Earl? I'm here, Alby.

I know.

I was wondering, what's it like having a mustache?

Let me give you one piece of advice, Alby.

The second your body's ready, grow one.

[ Earl Narrating ] Turning down the lights that night helped Alby a little bit.

But what really helped was just talkin'.

The next night, we dimmed the lights a little more and talked about relationships.

- Why don't you ask her out? - I don't know. What you said really scared me.

Oh, well, Joy's a bad example.

Not all women are like that.

[ Earl Narrating ] The next night, we dimmed the lights more...

and talked about life's biggest questions.

Well, no one really knows for sure, but I like to think...

the first thing that happens in heaven is you get to watch your whole life on TV.

That's cool.

- So one day we might both be watching this on TV? - Yeah, maybe.

Hey, dead Earl.

Hey, dead Alby.

[ Earl Narrating ] Before you knew it, the little guy didn't need the light at all.

Good night, Earl.

Good night, Alby.

Earl, wake up!

I did it! I slept with the lights off and wasn't scared!

That's great, Alby.

What's that on your face?

Snails. I stopped swattin' 'em off around midnight.

[ Earl Narrating ] After a week of sleeping on a tree full of bugs,

I was looking forward to taking a nap on real furniture full of bugs.

[ Yawns ] [ Randy ] I still can't believe you didn't call me...

when you were playing paintball.

It combines two of my favorite things: Toy guns and paint.

Not gonna be any more paintball for me, Randy. I'm crossing him off the list.

[ Knocking ]

I wanna live with you.

Wait. Three things-- I also like balls.

Balls of paint. I like balls of paint.

What do you mean, you wanna live with me?

You care about me, Earl. My dad doesn't.

I was scared of the dark for ages. He didn't do one thing about it.

[ Earl Narrating ] Alby went on to paint a picture of his homelife.

Ever since his dad remarried and had twins, Alby was completely ignored.

- I felt bad for him. - Check it out, Earl. It's a superhero mask.

- The eyes are kind of far apart. - [ Sighs ]

Oh.

Look, Alby. You can't just leave home and come live here.

The number for George Tollhurst, please.

He can live here, Earl. We'll make him sleep sideways at the foot of our bed.

You know, to keep our toes warm. Do you have fuzzy pajamas?

Hello, Mr. Tollhurst? Yeah, I just wanted you to know that I've got your son.

No, the other son. No, the other son.

Yeah, that's him. He's right here and I--

Hello? Hello? Why'd you do that?

I'm the last one he thought of. I don't want him to know where I am.

[ Sighs ]

Yeah, it's me again.

[ George ] I don't know who you are or what you want,

but I want you to know that you have my full cooperation.

Just don't hurt Alby.

What? No, no, no, no. I-I--

You don't understand what's going on. Alby's sitting right next to me and he's-- Oh.

I'm not going home.

Alby, yes, you are. Get back here.

[ Door Slams Shut ] [ Earl ] Alby? Alby, open up.

Is he gonna be in there a while? [ Pounding On Door ]

I didn't have to use the bathroom, but now that I can't, I'm getting antsy.

[ Pounding Continues ] [ Doorknob Jiggling ]

Come on, Alby. It's been a half an hour.

Enough, okay? Come on out now.

[ Alby ] How come there's two of you, but only one deodorant?

[ Sirens Wailing ] Oh, we're brothers, so we share.

- We do? - Earl, the motel's on TV.

[ Chattering ]

[ Siren Wailing ]

Oh, my God. They think we're--

I'm gonna go out and explain everything to 'em.

I don't wanna go home. If you go out there, I'll tell 'em you kidnapped me.

And I'll tell 'em I didn't. Then I'll tell 'em you did.

- I'll tell 'em he didn't. - Then I'll tell 'em you put my underwear on your head.

Uh-oh.

I'm sorry, Earl. I really did think it was a mask.

Hit. We're in hour two of the Camden kidnapper standoff.

Usually, the Palm Tree Motel isn't known for its views,

but today, there may be a view to a kill.

All right. We gotta do somethin'.

We can't just stay locked up in here forever.

Why not? It's fun. Alby, you're not thinkin' this thing through.

How long do you think we can stay locked up here?

We don't even have any food. Just give up.

They said they're gonna kill me if you don't give us pizza.

- Alby, what are you doing? - Tell 'em we'll still kill you if it's not pepperoni.

Randy!

Okay, there's gotta be a way.

Maybe Catalina's outside explaining that we're not kidnappers.

She knows about Alby and my list.

[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, Catalina's an illegal immigrant...

and thought all the SWAT teams were out there for her.

Hey, hey, hey. No. That's my son up there.

Don't worry, Alby. We're not gonna let anything happen to you.

We're not-- When we wanna use the bullhorn, we ask to use the bullhorn.

We do not snatch the bullhorn.

- See? Your dad cares about you. - [ Scoffs ]

He's just saying that 'cause the cameras are here. He doesn't wanna look like a bad dad on TV.

Earl, it's almost 2:00. Can we switch the TV over and watch Win, Lose or Draw?

[ Sighs ]

[ Earl Narrating ] A simple misunderstanding gets less simple...

once you add choppers and a SWAT team.

Those guys have bazookas.

I can't take it anymore. I'm goin' out there.

- I'll tell 'em you kidnapped me. - Fine. Say whatever you want.

I'm gonna tell the truth and take my chances.

[ Reporter ] The Camden police department has identified the kidnapper as Earl Hickey.

With me is the alleged kidnapper's former wife, Joy Turner.

Joy, what was it like being married to a monster?

Frankly, I didn't know he was capable of somethin' like this.

But I know earlier in the week he was asking about spending nights with the boy.

So this was planned?

But it was okay, because the boy was on his list.

He has a list of boys?

[ Joy ] Look, before this goes any further-- Excuse me--

I just wanna say one thing.

If you're lookin' for a reasonably priced manicure gentle enough for a woman,

but man enough for a half-fruit, call Joy's Nails.

We're in the book.

You know the suspect. Do you have anything to add?

Well, I-I don't know if he's watching, but if he is, hey, Earl!

Hey, Crab Man.

What I do is push these cuticles back.

That'll look a lot more clean.

Is this what you need to be doing now?

Sir, it's a waiting game. Look, I'm tired of waiting.

That's not cool, man.

He's leaving.

He's not even pretending to care anymore.

Alby, pretending that you're kidnapped isn't helping your relationship with your dad.

And to be honest, it's straining our relationship a little bit. Will you stop poking me?

I'm just trying to catch that cool little dot that's on your back.

[ Gasps ] Now it's on your belly.

- [ Gasps, Grunts ] - It went away.

There it is. [ Grunts ]

There's been a new development in the child kidnapping case.

The victim's father has climbed the fire escape to the motel roof.

What is that jackass doing?

Well, I'll be damned.

[ Crowd Murmuring ]

Hey, look. I see your dad's legs on TV and out there in real life too.

- Shoot that idiot with a beanbag. - Alby.

- [ Groans ] - Dad!

Dad, are you okay?

Alby. [ Laughs ]

[ Crowd Murmuring ] I love you, Son.

[ All ] Aw.

Let's go home, Alby.

Ah. [ Chuckles ]

[ Earl Narrating ] It was hard to be upset with Alby.

He was just a kid who wanted to know his dad loved him.

Even though he could be a pain sometimes,

seein' Alby happy made me happy too. [ Gunshot ]

- [ Glass Shatters ] - I just wish he was a little quicker...

- to explain our situation to the police. - Hey, look, Earl. Fancy smoke.

Aw, it's making me sad.

Randy, put it down. But it's so pretty.

Randy, put that thing-- Randy, put it down!

I really like it, Earl. [ Coughing ]

Put it down, Randy! [ Sobbing ] It's really, really pretty.

[ Coughing Continues ] Randy, put it down.

[ Sobbing Continues ] It's real pretty, Earl. See how pretty it is?

Hey, Earl? Yeah, Randy?

Did you hear about me and the Cheeto?

No. What happened? Oh, it was pretty amazing.

I was eatin' some Cheetos, and I missed my mouth with one,

and it bounced off my chin and onto my shoulder,

and then it rolled all the way down my arm and right back into the bag.

Sounds pretty amazing. Yeah.

Everyone at the Crab Shack's talkin' about it.

Cool. Good night, Randy.

Good night, Earl.

I made it up, Earl. I know you did.

Last year you told me the same story about a Good & Plenty.

Be pretty cool if it happened though.

Yeah, it'd be cool.