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WOMAN 1: So he passed?

WOMAN 2: Yeah.

I thought the Scientologists take things.

As much as they can get. We offered everything.

I thought so too.

All right, who's next?

Um, Albert Brooks.

And why are you bringing him in?

Thought it'd be interesting. It's a different way to go.

Well, I don't want to go a Jewish way.

He's a good actor.

I-i-it's a different way to go.

Yeah, okay. Uh, what was that last thing he did?

That thing with Michael Douglas?

The In-Laws. Right.

Ugh, why in God's name did they remake that?

Ours at least begs for it.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Albert.

How are you?

Okay. How are you?

This is Victoria, the casting. Yes, I know Victoria.

And this is Jeff, the studio.

Nice to meet you. And have a seat.

All right.

So...

Have you ever seen the original Harvey?

Oh, yes. Many times.

Well, casting you would certainly be

a different way to go than Jimmy Stewart.

Don't go with Jimmy Stewart now,

because that would be disgusting.

Um, Wednesday night I was watching Big,

like at 1 in the morning on cable.

Just, you know, I just want to tell you,

you did a great job.

Well, thank you. I loved The In-Laws.

Thank you.

So, what have you been working on?

You know, different stuff.

Trying to get that great acting part.

How's that coming?

I'd love to get Harvey.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, thanks for coming in.

That's it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Uh, if you want me

to put a scene on tape with another actor, or...

I'll just watch The In-Laws again.

All right.

This was quick.

Took me longer to park downstairs.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to see you.

You know where I am.

Oh, I certainly do.

Okay, bye.

Bye-bye.

That was a waste of time!

What are we looking for?

What does it say on your little piece of paper? Look.

"The next Jimmy Stewart."

That's not him.

MAN : Girls, time for bed.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Daddy.

How did everything go?

Ugh, it's a cruel world, honey.

Where's Mommy?

Uh, she's in her office.

Okay.

Yes!

Hi, honey.

Hiya, baby.

How'd it go?

I was more right for A League of Their Own. Mm.

What are you doing? Nothing.

You're on eBay. No.

Oh, yes, you are. No.

Oh, yes, you are. I know it. No, no, no.

Listen, let's put parental controls on this site.

Honey, that's ridiculous. Laura doesn't know how to get on here.

Not for her, for you. Parental controls for the actual parent.

I'm worried.

Aren't you in the Platinum Buyers' Club now?

Not yet. Are you expecting something from the government?

The government? No.

You got a registered letter from the State Department.

Oh, my God. Did you open it?

No. I was afraid to.

You know what this could be?

What?

About four weeks ago,

just because I was curious,

I went on an al Qaeda website.

Oh, Albert. For five minutes.

I didn't give a credit card or anything.

I just wanted to see what it was all about.

You think that's what this is?

Open it.

Read it.

"Dear Mr. Brooks,

"I am heading up a commission

"that is designed to better understand

"the Muslim peoples of the world.

"We're attempting this task

"through various measures,

"one of which I would like you to be involved in.

"If you could come to Washington D.C.

"as soon as possible

"and meet with our commission,

"we would explain everything to you at that time.

"We, of course, would pay for all of your expenses.

"Please let us know.

We would like to proceed with this as soon as possible."

Sincerely, Fred Dalton Thompson, Commission Chairman."

Oh, my God.

Fred Thompson, why is that familiar?

You know, he was a senator from Tennessee.

Now he's an actor.

Oh, yeah.

God, that's exciting.

Oh, you have to go, right?

You think so?

Honey, you have to go.

You've never been asked by a government commission

to do anything before.

You have to at least see what that's all about.

I don't know. Maybe they don't even have the right person.

I bet he thinks he's writing to Mel Brooks.

Honey, go.

Nothing's happening here, anyway.

Well, phrased like that, I guess I should leave now.

ALBERT: I'm on the way to the hotel.

EMILY: What time is the meeting tomorrow?

They want me there at 10 in the morning.

Honey, you've gotta call me the second it's over.

The second it's over.

I will, baby.

I'm so excited.

Give Laura a kiss.

I love you.

I love you.

That's him.

Hello. ALBERT: Hi.

How are you doing?

How are you?

Nice to meet you.

You've met, uh, Barbara Nader. Yes.

This is Don Budge.

Margaret Allenton,

Sam Loman, Ben Wallerstein.

How are you?

Albert. Please.

Mr. Brooks, thank you very much for coming in.

How was the hotel?

The hotel was great, thanks.

Are you, uh, back in politics? I thought you were acting now.

Once you're in politics, you never really escape.

Actually, I am acting now,

but because of my in with the show business community,

the administration has asked me to head up this commission.

Congratulations. What is this commission?

I don't have to tell you

that the world is in a precarious place.

There are huge numbers of people that we, as a country,

don't really understand.

The Chinese, the Africans, and most pressingly,

the Muslim population of the world.

Now, as a country,

we really haven't gone about this in any other way

than spying or fighting, all the normal things.

But now some new tactics are going to be developed.

And one of those tactics is laughter.

Laughter?

The president, as you know,

has a pretty darn good sense of humor.

And he felt that maybe the only way

to really understand somebody

was to see what makes them laugh.

So we'd like for you to head up a project.

Take a month,

go to India and Pakistan,

write a 500-page report,

and tell us what makes the Muslims laugh.

You'd be doing a hell of a service for your country.

Oh, my...

You know, my wife and I were guessing what--

What this was all about. We never guessed this.

Well, I have a lot of questions. F

There's a lot of comedians in America.

How How did I get picked?

Quite frankly, our first few choices were working.

Okay.

Don't worry about it.

You're here.

As far as I can tell,

you're a pretty respected comedian.

What do you say?

Okay, well, so you want me to go to India and Pakistan.

Now, I know Pakistan is all Muslim,

but I thought India was Hindus?

There's over 150 million Muslims in India alone.

That enough for you?

Let me tell you this:

You find out what makes the Hindus laugh,

we'll consider this whole thing a success.

All right. Uh, you mentioned a-- A 500-page report.

You're I mean, that's what you want?

You want 500 pages?

Approximately.

Margaret, what's the average length

of a government report?

Average length? 850 pages.

Five hundred pages is actually short.

It's short?

FRED: So, yeah, it-- It would need to be at least 500 pages.

Otherwise it wouldn't justify the expense of the commission.

I see.

BEN: Don't worry,

they never read 'em. But they weigh 'em.

And you can include a lot of charts.

But not too many charts.

All right. It's just, you know,

I--I was never a big book-report writer in school,

and I've never written anything that approaches that many pages.

It-- It seems like a-- A huge, uh, job.

We're gonna send two people with you.

They'll help you.

They'll give you whatever you need.

I think you'll find,

after spending a month in India and Pakistan,

you will have enough for a thousand pages.

And you'd be doing your country a great service.

You-- You should consider this an honor.

I understand.

It just seems like a big responsibility.

Uh, does someone get paid for this kind of thing?

Well, Mr. Brooks, these, uh, commissions

aren't really set up to make money.

But I'll tell you this:

I would think that the Medal of Freedom

would do wonders for your acting price.

The Medal of Freedom?

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

That's the

And that has the colored ribbon?

That's the one.

That's the nice one.

Medal of Freedom.

ALBERT: At the meeting, they promised first class.

Nobody mentioned I'd be taking a Greyhound to India.

Why don't we just sit with the luggage?

It's a mix-up.

We were supposed to be seated up front,

but bureaucracy sometimes screws up.

Sometimes.

What department are you guys in? Are you with the Secret Service?

Oh, I wish. No, we're with the State Department.

BUREAUCRAT: I'm thrilled to be here.

I'm a really big fan of yours.

Mark didn't know who you were,

but I-- I gave him a couple of your movies.

MARK: I didn't have a lot of time to watch those.

Oh, but I did see that, uh, Lost in America.

Oh, yeah?

Did you like it?

Parts of it.

I thought the ending was tacked on a little bit.

Little bit.

Do you know I'm supposed to write a 500

Whoa, that's a big report. Yeah.

And you know I'm supposed

to get an office there and an assistant?

Yeah, yeah, we already found you something.

By the way, they didn't give us a lot of time.

But you found something?

Yeah, we found something.

I'm sorry, tell me your name. Stuart.

Stuart, there are a ton of seats in the front of this plane.

I say we move up right now.

We can't move. Why?

Once a plane is in air, you're not allowed to change classes.

Where'd you hear that? That's not a rule.

I'm pretty sure it's a rule. It is not a rule.

May I make a suggestion?

Relax.

We only have...

nineteen hours and 10 minutes left.

Let's start working now

on the upgrade for the flight home.

I'd like to get that going.

I'll make a call. I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

What happened? What?

He's on the phone. Well, how's he feeling?

This happens a lot.

No, no, no, we'll grab a cab. No problem.

Guy who was gonna pick us up from the embassy is sick.

We'll have to get a taxi.

You're talking to me?

Mm-hm.

We're not getting picked up here?

Guy got sick. What's the big deal?

Got cabs.

[WOMAN SPEAKING IN HINDI OVER LOUDSPEAKER]

It's a nightmare in here.

ALBERT: So, what happens now?

STUART: Mark's checking us in.

So you'll probably wanna go to sleep,

get a good night's rest.

Tomorrow, the three of us can meet at your office.

What are you guys gonna do?

Me? I'm gonna hit the hay.

He'll probably go out. He's the ladies' man.

Too bad one of the ladies

couldn't have picked us up at the airport.

ALBERT: No welcoming committee.

No ambassador. Nobody.

There wasn't even a car.

They stuffed Abbott, Costello and me into a cab.

There was no first class. I flew here in a FedEx box.

Oh, honey, don't sweat that stuff.

What you're doing is so important.

Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.

You still worried about the 500 pages?

Even the cab driver thought it was excessive.

Honey, hold on, Laura wants to say hello.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, sweetie.

Are you making the Muslims laugh?

Well, I just checked in, honey, but later.

Well, bring me back something.

I will, honey.

I love you.

Love you too. Here's Mom.

Everyone is so impressed

when I tell them why you're there,

even my mother.

Oh, honey, your mother thinks a Muslim is a fabric.

All right,

I guess I'll get up and shower

and go back to sleep.

I love you.

I love you too.

Bye.

WOMAN 1: No, sir, you cannot call an actual Sears store any longer.

MAN 1: Sir, you are confirmed on flight 516.

That's Southwest, leaving Burbank at 10:00.

WOMAN 2: You have to go down there to talk to the man.

WOMAN 3: If you look in your Kenmore manual,

you will see that there are two spin cycles.

MAN 2: State Farm, how may I help you?

Yes, sir.

[VOICES CONTINUE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey. STUART: Hey.

Have any trouble finding the place?

No, the cab knew where it was.

So, what do you think?

Couldn't find anything smaller, huh?

You got another little room in there.

Maybe I can find you something better.

I'll work on it.

So, what do you think?

Not bad for such short notice, huh?

Uh, assistants? We got some people lined up?

Oh, you got a bunch of applicants

coming in this afternoon.

Hopefully, you'll find one from there.

Getting more might be difficult.

I have been out of the workforce for some time,

and I think it'll be an interesting opportunity

to get back into the job market.

I understand. And do you type?

No, I do not type.

You don't type at all?

No, they didn't say anything about typing.

I'm wondering if they gave you the job description correctly.

Do you know why you're here?

Yes, I was told

I'll be an assistant to a big American star.

Well, that-- That part is true.

Who is it?

It's Mel Gibson.

Oh, my goodness.

Could I just lie a little bit

and say I type?

I would love to work with Mel Gibson. Please?

Normally, I could say you could tell a lie,

but you don't want to lie to Mel.

Did you see The Passion of the Christ?

Yes, I did.

You don't want that to happen to you.

No.

What about dictation?

Dictation?

You know, where you write things very quickly?

Right things?

This the right?

That's actually the left.

Oh, this is the right, very right.

That's right.

I know right. All right.

Well, we passed the hand test, so I thank you for coming in.

I'm a real people person.

That's good. And, uh, do you type?

Here and there.

So that's a no?

I like to sing.

All right.

What about typing, though?

I have never tried to do both at once.

I don't think I can sing while I type.

All right. So, uh, I'm curious, what are your ambitions in life?

Oh, one day I would like to be a woman.

Well, good luck with that.

Thank you.

And, uh, do you type?

I type very fast.

And what about shorthand?

That is not a problem.

Well, this is very good.

And do you speak, uh, more than one language?

Yes, six.

Fantastic. I'm encouraged.

May I ask you a question?

Yes, of course.

You're not a Jew, are you?

I'm...

not...

this minute.

I mean, sometimes I-- I am.

How much of the time?

Part-time.

Thanks for coming in.

I graduated four years ago.

I would like to get into journalism.

So I'm assuming you type?

A hundred and thirty-five words a minute.

Well, that's very, very good.

And what about, uh, shorthand?

Oh, all of that I can do in my sleep.

Well, that's very encouraging.

May I ask you a question?

Uh-oh.

What exactly would I be doing?

Oh, hah.

I'm, uh, here representing the U.S. government,

and we would be compiling

a 500-page report

over the next month

on what makes people in this part of the world laugh.

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

I love that kind of challenge.

Do you know that for my graduate thesis,

I wrote a 400-page report

on the development of language in Pakistan?

You've already written something that's 400 pages?

Well, it was actually a little bit longer.

Tell me your name again.

Maya.

Maya, you're hired.

Thank you. Heh.

You start in the morning.

Excuse me.

I'm with the United States government,

and I'm doing a survey here.

Can I ask you what makes you laugh?

I'm afraid I'm not interested in talking to anybody

from the United States government.

Well, I'm not really with the government.

I-- I just said that.

Just tell me, what makes you laugh?

I don't want to talk to anybody from any government.

Good start.

Evening, sir.

What makes you laugh?

I beg your pardon, sir?

It's not for the government, just for me.

Well, I like it

when animals act like people.

What do you mean?

You know, when a-- When a dog can mail a letter,

or a chicken can make a phone call. That kind of thing.

Ah.

"Stupid Pet Tricks."

That's actually a very good name for them.

It's-- It's not mine.

All right,

good night.

WOMAN 1: Toys "R" Us, how may I help you?

MAN 1: Harry and David, good evening.

WOMAN 2: Thank you for calling the Gap.

MAN 2: No, sir, you cannot talk to Harry...or David.

WOMAN 3: William Morris Agency, how may I direct your call?

I thought that restaurant was overrated.

And I thought--

I have to go. Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Brooks.

Don't call me Mr. Brooks.

I insist that you call me Albert.

Okay.

Uh, we don't have phones or computers?

Your friends asked if I could use my own phone.

They said they would reimburse me.

What about a computer?

One of them said they were going to work on it.

Okay, but when we go out and interview people,

you're gonna take everything down in shorthand?

Of course. All right.

You know, they got you that calendar you wanted.

Oh?

Oh. Heh.

Considering it came from them, I'm surprised it's not a 2002.

Why would you want that one?

No, that was a joke.

Oh-- Oh, I'm sorry, I did not realize.

That's all right. It's called sarcasm.

It's when you say one thing but you mean something else.

Oh.

Oh, I understand now.

Please, Mr. Brooks, if I miss a sarcasm,

you must always tell me.

Ah, don't worry about it.

You just laugh at what you want to.

So...

A man can feel really important in an office like this.

I am so glad you've said that.

I was worried that you were going to think

that it was tiny and sad.

It is.

Sarcasm. Yep.

Of course. Why would you like this office?

If I don't laugh at something that I'm supposed to,

then please feel free to just kick me so I understand.

You want me to kick you?

Now I am being sarcastic.

Hey.

You're a fast learner.

So last night I find out

there are no comedy clubs in New Delhi.

Why would there be?

Oh, I don't know.

You just figure there are comedy clubs everywhere.

Well, actually, that's not true.

I was in Denmark, and, uh, they don't have them there, either.

Denmark is so romantic. I've always wanted to visit.

Is that a joke?

No.

I never heard Denmark referred to as romantic before.

Well, I guess it's romantic.

If you like fog and herring.

Is that a joke? Yeah.

I thought so, because I thought,

"How could anyone like fog and herring?"

That's a terrible combination. Horrible.

Oh, I'm learning so much. This is so exciting.

I'm the regular Henry Higgins of comedy.

Yes, you are.

You know who that is?

No.

My Fair Lady.

It's a Broadway show.

You know what, if I know you better,

maybe I'll sing it to you.

Good morning. Hey.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, I see you got the calendar.

Yes, I did.

Listen, have a seat, all of you.

I wa-- I want to-- I want to tell you something.

I was telling Maya right before you got here:

there are no comedy clubs in India,

and I'm sure there are none in Pakistan.

Now, I was relying on this.

I was gonna go to these places

and sit in the back and observe and take notes,

and I can't do that now.

Last night, I had an epiphany.

A week from Saturday,

we are gonna put on what I am now calling the Big Show.

What would that be?

I'm gonna do a comedy concert in New Delhi.

So I'm gonna need you guys to get me an auditorium,

three, four hundred seats

and I'm gonna do every single comedy bit I can think of,

a whole range of stuff,

and by what these people laugh at,

I'll start to know who they are.

That's an interesting idea. That might work.

Where are we gonna do that?

Well, we'll try to find someplace.

Well, this wasn't in any kind of budget.

Come on, guys, I have 500 pages to write.

Please, help me out here.

I think it's exciting.

I, for one, have never even seen a comedian in concert.

People will be thrilled.

Well, maybe it's doable.

Let's see if we can't work it out.

ALBERT: Oh, let's not use the word "doable" looking at her.

But thank you, Mark.

You should've received that yesterday.

Received what? Shh.

Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.

MARK: Tell him to call me back. I can't just--

This is gonna make me die. MARK: No.

Yes.

Sorry.

All right.

Then, a week after the Indian concert,

we do the same exact thing in Pakistan.

Can you imagine, a standup comedy show in Pakistan?

A show in India, a show in Pakistan.

This is fantastic.

So you want to get an auditorium in Pakistan too?

Don't worry about Pakistan today.

Let's concentrate on the Indian one.

MARK: How we gonna tell people?

We don't have money for advertising.

I thought of that too.

The second you get me the name of an auditorium,

we'll print up fliers.

Then when we do the interviews,

we'll hand out the fliers at the same time.

I think this is a really good idea.

I saw you in concert in Boston in the '70s. You were funny.

Thank you, Stuart.

Okay, so we got a plan. Let's go.

Let's start the report.

Come on.

Uh, you guys go ahead.

Let me start making some calls.

See if I can't find us a space.

ALBERT: Excuse me, ma'am?

Yeah?

Um, what makes you laugh?

I don't have time.

What are you writing?

"She doesn't have time."

Okay.

Uh, excuse me, miss?

Hi. Can you tell me, um,

what makes you laugh.

What did she say?

"She doesn't speak English, and don't touch her."

You should really not touch them.

Maybe you should mention Finding Nemo.

Excuse me?

Yes, sir?

I was in Finding Nemo.

Uh, you speak English?

Yeah.

Um, what makes you laugh?

A good joke.

Oh, really? Okay, tell us a-- An Indian joke.

Uh, tell us a joke. I don't know any joke.

Please, you tell me a joke.

Oh, no, I'm here to ask you. Tell me any joke you know.

No, sir. Please, you tell me a joke.

All right. You don't know any jokes?

Okay.

Well, I know one joke.

Uh, a Polish guy goes to an eye doctor,

and the eye doctor says:

"Look at the chart. Can you read line two?"

And the Polish guy looks at it, and the line says:

"C-Z-O-L-Y-Q-R-N-Y-Z-O."

The Polish guy says, "Read it? I know him."

That was a great joke. You like that?

Thank you very much. All right.

All right, have a nice day.

What should I write down from that?

Write down that Polish jokes work everywhere.

[SINGING IN HINDI OVER SPEAKER]

Hey, what's up?

Mark has got some good news for you.

What? We found you a place.

You're kidding me.

School auditorium.

It's near here. It's about 400 seats.

I think you'll be very happy.

That's fantastic. Good work.

We gave the information to Maya. She's making up fliers tonight.

Well, actually, I wanted to look them over

before she made them up.

She said you discussed it.

Why don't you give her a call. Okay.

Listen, I'm very impressed.

By the way, getting an auditorium in Pakistan,

I don't know about that. That may be impossible.

Well, let's deal with that next.

I just want to enjoy the fact that we got one here.

Have a good night. Good night.

ALBERT: Is Maya there?

Who's calling?

It's Albert Brooks.

Do you know what time it is?

I don't know. Nine?

Uh, who is this, her father?

No, this is not her father.

Hi. Sorry I'm so late. It's Albert Brooks.

Why is he calling at this hour?

Shh, cover the phone.

MAN: I waited for you for two hours. I thought we were going out.

MAYA: I told you I would be late.

Hi. Hi.

I didn't mean to cause a problem by calling.

No, no, no, it's not a problem.

I just got home. I have the fliers.

Yes, they told me.

So it's exactly what we talked about, right?

Everything's in English?

Ah, everything's in English,

except the directions are in English and Hindi.

Well, was that a good idea?

Well, I was just afraid

that even if they could read in English,

they might not be able to follow the directions in English.

All right, well, good job. Thank you very much.

I'm very excited.

You know we have to be

at The Laughing Club early tomorrow?

Yes, I do.

Good night. Sleep well.

Same to you.

What did you just say?

What?

You told him to sleep well?

You're involved now in his sleep?

Don't start with me now, please.

Why are you leaving so early in the morning?

We have to go to The Laughing Club.

What is that?

Well, it's a yoga class,

but apparently they laugh for a long time

to make themselves feel better.

Well, that's just silly. Why would you want to go there?

To find out why they laugh.

You know what, I don't want to talk to you about this.

What could you possibly know about comedy, anyway?

There are no comedians in Iran.

I'm going to go take a bath.

What, you don't think I know about comedy?

I was the funniest one in school.

And the funniest one in explosives training.

Look at this.

They're just laughing.

What should I write down?

Write down that they're laughing for no apparent reason.

Now, who are these people?

There's Hindus

and Muslims, right? Mm-hm.

And there are also some Sikhs over there, as well.

Let me see the fliers.

Oh, good job.

Thank you.

I'm worried that we have the directions

in Hindi and English.

Shouldn't it just be in English?

No, no, I wouldn't worry.

Since the body of the flier is in English,

I think only people who speak English will come.

We won't get

a non-English-speaking person

just reading the directions?

No, no, definitely not. Okay.

Well, I can't think of a better place

to hand them out than here.

It's like a captive audience.

Good morning.

Absolutely free.

Look, we've got a lot to do.

I will call you later.

I don't know. It might go late.

Listen, I'm hanging up the phone now.

Mageed, I'm saying goodbye.

Uh, that was Mageed.

That's your boyfriend?

All the time, "Where are you going?

Where have you been?"

It wasn't always like this, but it seems

since he's been out of work,

his jealousy has been out of control.

I made a movie about that once.

It's hard to get rid of jealousy.

Never seems to get better.

It won't get better?

It might get better.

ALBERT: This is gorgeous.

What's this called?

MAYA: This is the Birla Temple.

Excuse me.

Yes, sir?

Do you speak English? Yes, sir.

Um, we're asking different people.

Uh-huh. What makes you laugh?

What makes me laugh? Yes.

Okay, laughter is a very serious business, I suppose.

I will put it this way.

Suppose this gentleman,

he's my friend,

he takes me for a ride.

He takes undue advantage of my innocence, you can see.

I'm an emotional fool.

He is trying to make me a fool,

but I'm not a fool.

I allow him to make me a fool.

You know, just be ignorant.

I just trying to pretend that I know nothing about him.

I know nothing about the--

You know, game he's playing with me.

So it makes me laugh.

It makes me feel good.

Okay, now he's happy.

So just to see him happy,

I feel good.

And I start laughing a little, okay, "ha."

That's a joke.

Very good answer. Thank you so much.

Thank you, sir.

Don't give him a flier.

This is Jama Masjid,

the largest mosque in India.

Wow.

Come, we can get a tour.

GUIDE: The mosque is built in 16, 15 century

for Mogul emperor, Shah Jahan.

This call means "Jama Masjid."

"Masjid" means "mosque."

"Jama" means "Friday."

So every Friday by pray here,

35,000 people to pray here.

And there's the two minaret and three domes,

and the dome inside is nothing.

Just empty like the decorations.

Say, do you mind if I ask you a question?

Yes, sir, why not?

We're asking everybody.

What makes you laugh?

I don't know, sir.

Do you know any comedians?

Have you heard of any American comedians?

Yes.

The Three Stooges.

The Three Stooges?

You know them? Yeah.

Do you have a favorite?

Larry.

Larry?

Nobody likes Larry.

Here, you have a flier.

Thank you.

ALBERT: What makes you laugh?

What did he say?

I do not speak that language.

All right.

We're done for the day.

You wanna get something to eat

or have a drink?

Okay.

I think I'm gonna have a martini.

Do you want something?

You know, maybe I will have a small drink.

Okay.

In your honor, I will have a Manhattan.

Well, I'm not from Manhattan.

I'm from Los Angeles.

Well, does Los Angeles have any drinks named after them?

I think they have one:

The Freeway.

What's that?

Well, it's like a martini

but from the time you order it,

it takes three hours to get here.

Is that a joke?

Yeah.

Oh, see,

I almost got that instantly, but I still

had to ask.

Yes, but look how much better you're getting.

It just took you this long.

Mm.

[PEOPLE SPEAKING IN HINDI OVER TV]

ALBERT: Hello?

Hello, Mr. Brooks.

Oh.

Good morning. How are you?

MAYA: I'm fine.

I'm at the office, and I wondering what

you would like me to prepare for today.

H-how many pages did we get

from all the interviews we did yesterday?

What do you have down there?

Almost half a page.

For the day?!

Oh, crap.

So, what do I got, 499 and a half pages left?

Well, don't forget that the Big Show

is going to tell you everything.

I had an idea.

See what you think about this.

How much do you know about the history of India?

The history?

What if you become an expert on Indian history?

Do you think you could do that?

Okay, if that's what you would like.

My thinking is, if I don't hand in something

that says who the people are,

where they come from,

who their ancestors are,

who their grandparents are,

Washington's gonna say,

"You didn't do your job, buddy."

You want me to pad the report?

Well, I don't like to use that expression,

but, yes, heavily.

Okay?

All right, I'll go to the library.

Let's make this our little secret.

WOMAN 1: Your doors are now unlocked.

Thank you for using OnStar.

MAN: Saks Fifth Avenue, how may I help you?

WOMAN 2: The White House, how may I direct your call?

Okay, fine, you wanna bet?

Sure, I'll bet ya. Hello.

No, you can sit there.

What are you dressed as?

You know, I thought I would put people

more at ease when I question them

if I looked like them.

Oh, yeah.

You're one of the family now.

Where's Maya?

She's doing an assignment for me.

Hey, she said you only passed out

50 fliers yesterday.

Yeah, so?

You don't have enough time

to fill 400 seats like that.

You gotta pass out a lot more fliers.

You have to go under the assumption

that three or four percent of the people you give them to

are actually gonna show up.

So you really need to give out thousands.

Well, we're giving them out.

I'm back.

Hey, how did it go?

There is so much history to research.

My goodness.

Nice clothes.

ALBERT: Thanks.

What kind of history?

It's an idea I have.

It's too early to really talk about.

Maya, what's the busiest place in this city?

You know, where there are the most people?

Old Delhi. It's a madhouse.

Okay, I think the four of us

should go to Old Delhi right now,

pass out as many fliers as possible.

He doesn't think we're giving out enough.

This screening process is really gonna hurt you.

Would you rather have a full house

or only 50 handpicked people?

I'd like handpicked.

MARK: Well, I agree with Stuart.

The important thing is to fill the place.

Come on. Old Delhi. Let's go.

ALBERT: This is a terrible idea.

We don't even know if these people speak English.

No, please. Let's draw the line

at motor-powered vehicles.

No rickshaws.

Hi, how are you?

Let me take one back, just in case.

MAYA: Get your fliers. Directions are in Hindi...

Hi, how are you? English

Comedy show? Good.

Hi. No.

Here.

Collecting. Hi, we're collecting.

We didn't spell check these. Thank you.

Just maybe ask if they know me or--

Oh, my God, no children. Hi, I might work dirty.

ALBERT: Where's he gonna sit?

Which building is the auditorium?

It's down here.

You know, you told me this was in downtown Delhi.

It took us two hours to get here.

How's anyone gonna find this place?

They live here. They know where things are.

When people want to go to something badly enough,

they find it.

It's just far, that's all.

I hope the rickshaw guy and the cow get a head start.

So everybody can hear with the sound system?

Yes.

All right.

Uh, who works the spotlight?

I do.

You work the spotlight and the houselights? Yes.

Okay, so for the spotlight,

I pace back and forth when I work.

You'll hold it on me?

Yes.

You wanna practice?

Are you an acrobat? No.

I don't need to practice.

Um, do you have

a refreshment stand outside

if they want a cool drink or a candy bar?

No.

All right.

And the bathrooms are close by if they have to go?

There are no bathrooms here, sir.

The only bathrooms are in the first building,

when you came into the school.

If you're going to use the bathroom, you need a key.

What if the audience has to go to the bathroom?

They will need a key.

Yeah, but you're telling me it's six buildings away.

So, I have to pee, I need a Sherpa.

STUART: Uh,

let me see what I can do.

I'll work on it.

Why do you keep saying that to me?

I'm curious, what are you gonna do about the bathrooms?

You gonna stand outside with a cup?

I don't know, maybe we could rent a portable something.

We're not going to put a portable anything.

ALBERT: Um, there's dressing rooms backstage?

There are no rooms backstage.

Well, where do I dress and prepare for the show?

Dress right here.

On the stage?

Why not? Okay.

I'm gonna need a place to,

you know, get my makeup on and prepare

so could you put up, like, a little tent outside?

You want a tent?

Well, do you wanna build me a room in the next two days?

I-I need a place to be alone.

We'll find something.

All right.

Did I cover everything?

Is there anything else you can think of?

No. You should feel excited.

It's going to be a magnificent evening.

Are we done?

Yeah.

It's two minutes to 8.

Do they like to start right on time here,

or do we start a little late?

It is best not to keep them waiting.

You're gonna stand off here during the show?

Yes, he asked me to assist him in whatever he needs.

Stuart and I are gonna take our seats.

You should go get him.

Tell him to break a leg.

Oh, please. That's mean.

Mr. Brooks?

ALBERT: Come in.

It's time for the show.

Mark apologizes for the mix-up with the tent.

Yeah, think how Cochise feels when he got the makeup tent.

You look very nice. Not too formal?

No.

All right. Everything's off

Yes, everything is there. The dummy

Let's do it. Okay.

ALBERT: Looks like a full house.

Okay. Can somebody introduce me?

Nobody talked about that.

Maybe he could announce you?

Can you do that?

I am not very comfortable speaking in front of people.

All right. Do you have an off

No, we only have one mike.

You asked me to put it out front.

I know, but I need an off-stage mike

because then I'm gonna have to introduce myself.

So?

Well, you wanna go get that mike for me?

You want me to go out and get the microphone?

ALBERT: Yes.

You don't want to get it? No.

Why not?

Because I'm the headliner.

I shouldn't go out and drag the mike off

and then make another entrance.

It's-- Please.

I love you, Albert!

You see that? They love you.

That's not me.

You are going to do the introduction--

ALBERT : Shhh! They'll hear you.

They what? Shhh.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

ALBERT: You are in

for a very special treat this evening.

Would you welcome,

all the way from America,

one of the biggest comedians in the world,

Albert Brooks.

Where's Albert?

I'm Albert.

He works for the school.

Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and thank you very much.

And it's a pleasure to see all of you tonight.

Before we start,

I would love if we could lower the houselights.

So if we could do that now, we could begin the show.

Could we lower just the houselights?

Keep everything else on,

just shut those off.

And everything's off.

Okay, we have no electricity.

Hello

BOY: I can't hear you.

Yes, because there's no microphone.

Leave the mike and the spot on. Turn the house off.

And we're all back on again.

I'm lookin' at every face.

You can't lower the house only?

Not tonight. The switch is broken.

You're kidding? All right, well,

if I have to see my audience,

you're a lovely audience to see.

It is a pleasure

to be here in New Delhi.

And, uh, tonight's a very special night

because by what you laugh at,

you're gonna teach me who you are.

After here, we're moving on to Pakistan,

and we wanna know, what do the Muslims laugh at?

The Hindus

What makes you guys chuckle?

So I'm gonna do a range of jokes tonight.

Intellectual stuff, bottom-of-the-barrel stuff,

the whole gamut.

And by the way,

if a couple of jokes sail over your head,

don't worry about it.

They're jokes, not birds. They don't shit.

Okay,

I just learned something.

Shit jokes don't play in New Delhi.

Let's start with a riddle. A buddy of mine told me this.

Why is there no Halloween in India?

'Cause they took away the Gandhi.

Oh, God, am I learning.

Put that down. All right.

I've been, you know, touring around your lovely country,

and, uh, I've seen a lot of wonderful places.

I was in Kashmir last weekend.

Went to visit one of my sweaters.

You know what I'm thinking here?

And possibly this is our fault

because we put, uh,

a couple different languages on the fliers.

How many understand me?

If you speak English, would you raise your hand?

How many?

All of you? Oh, God.

All right, let's move on.

I think it's time to bring on my little buddy.

He's very popular in America,

and I think he'll go over very well.

Give a nice little New Delhi welcome

to Danny.

Everything is going great.

All right.

Great.

Here he is.

Hey.

Look, Danny, we're in New Delhi.

Oh, man, it's fantastic to be here.

You know, Danny used to be an actor,

a long time ago.

You know, I almost got the part in The Exorcist.

That's right, he did.

Do you remember your audition scene?

Sure do.

Okay.

I'm wondering if The Exorcist ever got to India.

How many people ever heard of The Exorcist?

Really?

You know, Danny,

I'm getting a little nervous now.

Why don't you have a cigarette. That always calms you down.

Well, I just can't have a cigarette

and leave everybody sitting here.

They might get bored.

I'll sing a song while you have a cigarette.

All right, Danny.

That's a little ventriloquist trick.

What are you gonna sing?

The famous Al Jolson number, "Swanee."

Fantastic.

Do you remember when "Swanee" first was done, Danny?

No, I'm not sure.

Well, it was done, I believe, in the movie The Jazz Singer.

Wow, that's a hell of a fact.

Anyway, you ready, Danny?

Ready anytime you are.

All right.

* Swanee *

* How I love ya How I love ya *

* My dear old Swanee *

* I'd give the world to be... *

* In I-N-D-I-A India *

Thanks to those three people.

You know, Al,

I'm getting a little nervous now.

I could go for a cool drink of water.

All right, Danny.

And so the audience doesn't get bored,

while you have a drink of water, I'll sing.

What are you gonna sing?

I'm gonna do a song my grandmother

used to sing for us

every night before we went to bed.

* Ninety-nine bottles of beer On the wall *

* Ninety-nine Bottles of beer *

* If one of those bottles Should happen to fall *

* There'd be 97 bottles *

* Of beer on the wall *

Danny, everybody.

Give my little buddy a hand. Danny.

Yeah, it's my last appearance ever.

He's so cute.

Burn me.

All right.

Now I'd like to do something

that I think we're gonna have a lot of fun with.

This is the part of the show

that I call the improvisation section.

An improvisation

is when a comedian

takes suggestions from the audience

and incorporates it into a routine.

You're gonna see comedy

created right in front of your eyes.

So let's start, all right?

Now, I'm gonna play a man

in the little skit, obviously.

And I'd like you to name me a country.

Where might this man be from?

Any country.

Come on, don't be shy.

Give me a country, any country.

WOMAN 1: Switzerland. WOMAN 2: France.

MAN 1: Germany.

Germany. Germany's a good one.

Let's make this man

from Germany.

All right. Good.

Okay, now.

We gotta give this guy a profession.

So, what should he be?

Should he be a doctor, lawyer?

MAN 2: Farmer. Farmer.

Farmer.

We'll make our German friend a farmer.

Good one. You people, I think,

are helping to create something

that could be pretty darn funny.

All right, what does our German farmer raise?

Does he raise something? Does he grow something?

What?

Is that, I hear, a sheep?

Corn.

MAN 3: Turnips.

You know what I heard over here

that I think is really fascinating? Turnips.

Who even thought a farmer raised turnips?

But I bet they do, 'cause where do you get 'em?

So we got ourselves a German

who raises turnips.

German farmer raises turnips.

Should he be married or unmarried?

CROWD: Married.

Married. Married.

Okay, married. We'll make him a married guy.

By the way, most farmers are married.

I don't know why that is.

I think because you have all the animals to tend to,

you need help.

So we got ourselves a German farmer,

married guy, raises turnips.

Does he have children? If so, how many?

I'm hearing a lot of "fives."

I hear some "fives." So we'll give the guy

five kids.

Okay, now, uh...

how does he do for a living?

Does he sell a lot of turnips? Is he rich

CROWD: Poor!

Well, that you had an opinion on pretty quickly.

All right, now, let's see how you

brand-new comedy writers have done.

You've given me a German farmer,

married guy, five kids,

he's poor, he raises turnips. Okay.

Imagine how this man's day might go. Huh?

First of all, farmers get up early,

so you know his alarm clock's ringing at 5:30 a.m.

His day might start something like this:

Okay, I don't like the Germany part.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna make this farmer Chinese.

I think that might be a little more fun.

Let's see.

Oh, the China--

They don't raise turnips in China,

so let's make him a rice farmer.

And we'll give him a few more kids,

because five is not as funny

as 10. Huh?

Okay. Now, look what you've given me here.

Chinese farmer, rice guy,

married, 10 kids, and he's poor.

How might his day begin?

Imagine that alarm clock going off.

Good morning.

I don't like the "poor."

I'm gonna make him middle-class.

I actually love the poor,

and quite frankly, I don't wanna get a review

in The Daily Indian that Brooks made fun of the poor.

Whoever said "farmer," good one.

Not for this improv.

We're gonna make the guy a bus driver

because I've never been to a farm,

but I have been to a bus. Now,

Chinese bus driver.

Well, the "rice" is no good here.

Actually, "rice" is a little racist,

so I'm glad that's gone.

And we should get rid of the "10 kids."

I remember reading an article in Harper's Bazaar

the average bus driver has three children.

So you've said, "Albert, do an improv

"of a Chinese bus driver, doesn't like rice,

married, three kids, middle-class." Good suggestions.

Going to get rid of the "bus driver,"

make him a Chinese auto worker.

You know what we'll do?

We'll have this man asking his boss for a raise.

This is gonna be funny.

But we can't make him middle-class,

'cause they don't pay the Chinese.

We've got to make him semi-poor.

This breaks my heart. You win. Get off your tush.

All right, how might his day begin?

Good morning, honey.

Let's dump the wife.

Make him a divorced

Chinese man.

This is gonna be interesting.

Uh, Chinese people don't get divorced, really, do they?

Let's make him Japanese.

You know what,

I just read an article where divorce is just coming to Japan.

And from what the article said, they're diggin' it.

Okay.

Now, what have you given me?

You've given me a Japanese auto worker,

divorced fella, five kids, semi-poor.

How might it go if that man

asks for a raise?

Might go something like this.

I want a raise!

You not paying me enough money!

I build all the car for you,

but you don't pay me enough!

I'd rather live in Germany!

I do better off there!

My Chinese friend, he do better than me!

Who said Chinese? We used it.

Okay, I don't like being auto worker!

I would rather be bus driver or farmer, even!

I would do way better to be farmer!

Whose idea was farmer? Good job.

I gotta have more money because I don't have enough money

for rice or turnip or anything I like to eat.

Because if I don't have money, I can't get married again.

See, I'd be divorced.

I wanna be middle-class, I wanna have five kids,

I wanna be married again, I wanna eat rice,

I love the auto worker, I'm a Japanese man.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is an improvisation.

Okay.

Do you like coin tricks?

The crowd gone?

Not quite yet.

Do you want to hide in there till they leave?

Why would I want to hide?

I don't know, it's just a thought.

There he is.

How come you changed the farmer from a German?

I don't know. I just did.

Have a nice night.

Would you like me to carry your dummy?

Yeah, thank you.

Are you all right?

Why is everybody talking to me

like there's been a car accident?

I'm fine.

I'm actually on an after-the-show high.

Do you need a martini?

No, no, that's fine. MAGEED: Maya.

Maya.

What are you doing here?

It's a public show. I want to see it.

This is, um, my friend, Mageed.

I'm her boyfriend.

You have lots of friends, but only one boyfriend.

ALBERT: We're gonna go back to the hotel.

I'll see you at the office tomorrow.

We'll go over your notes.

Okay.

Nice to meet you.

Was this the first time you ever done standup comedy?

No.

Really?

Good night, Maya.

I'll call you in the morning.

Congratulations, Mr. Brooks.

ALBERT: Thank you.

Congratulations?

Are you kidding?

I tell you something. Maybe I was a little jealous,

but after seeing that show tonight,

I'm not jealous anymore.

You weren't even invited to the show.

It was a public event. I took a flier.

Well, I thought the show was brilliant.

Brilliant? Nobody laughed.

Well, that's because they're idiots.

Oh, I see. You're turning on your own people?

They're idiots?

I'm going home.

Do you want to get something to eat?

I'm not hungry.

Why are you upset?

You were not on-stage.

ALBERT : Let's start with a riddle.

How come there's no Halloween in India?

Because they took away the Gandhi.

Oh, God, am I learning.

So we've got some good news and some bad news

about Pakistan.

Yeah?

The visas aren't gonna happen.

We're not gonna be able to go through normal channels.

What do you mean?

It's a screw-up, that's all.

Sometimes it happens.

What do you mean, "a screw

U.S. didn't apply for the visas in time.

Take another six weeks to get them, if we could at all.

Just the way it happens sometimes.

Yeah, but that's not fair.

My assignment is to go to India and Pakistan.

What do I do now?

We've been told about a group of guys

who live in Pakistan,

and they're actually budding comedians.

Now, I think we can arrange for you to meet with them,

and if you can, maybe you can learn a lot that way.

Budding comedians?

They'll come here?

No, no, they can't come here. You'd have to go there.

But you just said I can't get a visa.

Well, if this all works out, you wouldn't need a visa.

We'll cross the border near Lahore.

We'd do it in the middle of the night.

Now, you'd only be there for a few hours,

but at least you'd get a chance to meet them.

We're crossing the border in the middle of the night?

But it's a border crossing.

I mean, someone's gonna ask me for a visa.

It doesn't matter what time it is.

It's not a border crossing in the traditional sense.

In what sense is it?

An illegal crossing.

It's not a big deal.

It's not a part of the border that's watched.

And we'd be with you.

You want me to cross into Pakistan illegally?

You don't have to do it.

We thought this might help you out.

Look, you know I need Pakistan in the report.

You know how many pages I have to write.

I'm in a bind here.

STUART: I don't know.

A secret meeting with Pakistani comedians?

I think that sounds pretty fascinating.

Secret?

Why Why does it have to be secret?

Well, you're crossing the border illegally.

They can't meet you in a public place.

You could all go to prison.

Prison?

Don't worry about it now.

Sleep on it.

We should be at the border in about 45 minutes.

STUART: So I'm curious about something.

What do you think of other comedians?

Chris Rock, do you think he's funny?

Yes, he is, he's funny.

How about Conan O'Brien, do you like him?

He's a funny guy.

Bill Maher?

Funny.

What about that guy from King of Queens?

I don't wanna answer this anymore.

I'm gonna tell you a show business secret, okay?

Comedians don't like to talk about other comedians.

They'll answer you, and tell you a guy's funny,

but all they really wanna talk about is themselves.

So never ask a comedian who's funny.

That's a secret. All right?

MARK: That's them.

ALBERT: This is the border?

MARK: That's it.

It doesn't even look like we can cross this bridge.

We can't.

No, you gotta get out and go with them.

ALBERT: What do you mean? We're all going in the truck?

No, no, they don't want anybody but you.

What? What are you talking about?

We're all supposed to go.

We just found out about this this morning.

I'm not going alone with them.

ALBERT: Why don't we just save time and ask the guy

to come and kill me in this car.

I was told it's legitimate.

I think they're comics, not terrorists.

Yeah, but you don't know that for sure.

Okay, we'll check it out.

What do you think?

Well, if they really are comedians,

I think it'd be fascinating to understand them.

MAYA: It would make the report longer.

I think we might be in a bit of trouble, lengthwise.

It feels legitimate.

You'll go with these guys,

you'll spend four hours with the comedians

and they'll take you back.

Well, I've never been known for my bravery,

but I've come this far.

Come, through here.

To the truck.

Let's go.

I hope to God he'll be all right.

I can't believe

he doesn't like to talk about other comedians.

I thought they loved that.

Are you one of the comedians?

No. But I love comedy. And they are my friends.

What are you doing? Hey, what are you doing?!

I have to put this blindfold on you. No!

Take-- Take-- Why are you doing this?

It is a very secret meeting,

and no one should know where it is.

Well, I'm not gonna tell anybody.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, but I don't know this area.

I can barely get around Los Angeles at night.

[TRANSLATOR SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

What is so funny?

You. Huh?

We were playing a practical joke on you.

We really didn't need the blindfold.

ALBERT: Huh. So I crapped in your car for nothing.

Well, how much of a practical joke is this?

Am I even in Pakistan?

You're in Pakistan, all right.

And these are our aspiring comedians.

Asheed thought the blindfold would be funny.

Oh.

Well, good job, Asheed.

They don't speak English.

I will be translating it for them.

Oh, no, no. Thank you.

I haven't done that in a long time.

No, thank you.

It is rude to decline.

[SPEAKS ANGRILY IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Okay.

I do not want to be rude.

I didn't come all the way here to be rude.

Thank you.

Oh. Shit.

Oh, my God, am I stoned.

I--

No wonder you live here.

How much is this an ounce?

Look at all the colors. I've never seen dirt that brown.

The fire looks so pretty.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[ALL SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

They would like you to do

one of your, uh, famous routines.

Oh.

Tell them thank you.

But, uh, I'm not gonna perform tonight.

Actually, what I'd like to do is question everybody.

Like a 15-minute interview with each person?

[ALL SPEAKING ANGRILY IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I would suggest for your own safety

that you perform.

Okay, I'm performing.

Absolutely. The show's starting now.

Tell them yes, tell them yes.

ALBERT: Good evening, gentlemen. TRANSLATOR: Salaam alaikum.

It's a pleasure to be here in Pakistan.

[MEN RESPOND IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

And, uh...

Well, let's start out with a riddle.

How come there's no Halloween in India?

Because they took away the Gandhi.

Gandhi!

ALBERT: Well, you know,

next week, I'm going to Kashmir.

Yeah, I'm gonna visit one of my sweaters.

* Ninety-eight Bottles of beer on the wall *

* Ninety-eight bottles of beer *

* If one of those bottles *

* Should happen to fall *

* There'd be 97 Bottles of beer on the wall *

I need a raise! I can't feed family!

I gonna be forced to move back to Russia!

Or even Indonesia!

I just want to conclude by saying--

And I mean this.

--you are one of the best audiences

I have ever performed for.

ALBERT: I wish you all well--

--in your comedy career.

And I'd like to leave you with something

the great Irving Berlin once said.

...Irving Berlin.

And this, my friend, needs no translation.

* There's *

* No business Like show business *

* Like no business I know *

Thanks for coming.

* Everything about it Is appealing *

Thanks, so much.

* Everything the traffic Will allow *

Drive safely.

Good luck. Okay.

Don't worry about the 500 pages. All right.

ALBERT: Nice to meet you.

Hey,

if you guys ever make a dirty bomb,

put some of that hash in it.

Consider it done.

I killed.

Everything worked.

Can we stop for a milkshake?

STUART: Albert. Hey.

You going to the office? Yeah.

Well, you were right.

Our contacts told us you were hysterical last night.

What do you think, I'm lying to you?

I think I have some good news for you.

What? Well,

Al-Jazeera has an office here in Delhi

and they want to see you today at 4 o'clock.

Al-Jazeera heard about what we're doing?

Oh, my God!

You know what this means?

They'll broadcast it to the whole Muslim world.

I mean, people will start opening up.

This is huge.

Sounds good.

Oh, man.

This is how you win a Nobel Prize.

You know, you can't go to them and say,

"Look at me. What I'm doing is so important."

But when they find out about you,

it's limitless.

Good going.

Congratulations.

I'm gonna get something special to wear.

I saw these shoes.

I'll see you at 4.

[MAN AND SECRETARY CONVERSING IN ARABIC]

...Mr. Albert Brooks.

[BOTH CONVERSING IN ARABIC]

They're expecting you. Follow me.

Mr. Brooks.

I am Shaif Al-Rafi. How are you?

I'm one of the vice presidents of Al-Jazeera.

This gentleman, Mukhtar Al-Mujib.

Pleasure. AL-RAFI: He's in programming.

And this is Anisha Kishore.

She is with our New Delhi office.

How are you? Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Please.

Listen, I just want to say before we start,

I'm thrilled to be here.

When I heard that you were interested

in helping me with my project, I just--

I got so excited.

With your help, I could reach the entire Muslim world.

I mean, possibly--

If you think it's the right thing to do.

--I'd be willing to go to Iran, or Turkey,

or anywhere you're broadcast.

Because, with your permission,

people are gonna open up to me.

So I'm just-- I'm over the top.

I'm just thrilled you're on board.

I'm not understanding what you're saying.

What project?

What do you mean? My government project.

Looking for comedy in the Muslim world.

Looking for comedy?

In the Muslim world?

Isn't that why you wanted to see me?

We heard you were in town doing a cartoon.

What?

Aren't you playing a fish?

No. No, that was years ago.

I'm-- I'm here doing this important government study.

Well, that is news to us.

Well, why did you want to see me, then?

We have some exciting news.

Al-Jazeera's getting into the entertainment business.

Al-Jazeera E.

E?

We're going to produce television programs.

Some of them are going to be situation comedies.

We have an idea.

An American Jewish man

living in a Muslim apartment complex.

We're looking for an American comedian.

And since you're here doing the cartoon,

we thought we would mention it, see if you're interested.

You're offering me a sitcom?

It is not a firm offer.

But if you are interested, we will proceed.

You know, I don't--

I don't think I'm interested in doing a sitcom.

It's a very funny idea. We even have a title:

What does that mean?

Well, roughly:

"That Darn Jew."

We think it's very timely.

Well...

I'm sorry, I--

I don't wanna do a television pilot.

No, it is not a pilot.

If the deal works out,

we could guarantee you six firm shows.

Six?

I-- I don't want to get into television

at this time in my life.

AL-MUJIB: You're making a big mistake.

Television is where the money is.

Yes, I know, but I'm in the movie business.

That might be a bad career decision.

You might be getting too old for the movies.

At your age, you should think about television.

AL-RAFI: Look at those Friends.

Those Friends are rich.

Yeah, the Friends are rich.

But I'm going to respectfully pass.

Thank you.

And, uh, have a nice day.

Do you know how to get ahold of Jerry Seinfeld?

No.

Give me another Jew, quickly. Another Jew, come on.

Hey, give me another Jew!

Well, you know my opinion. I don't think you should

pooh-pooh television that quickly.

Emily, I'm not gonna have the TV argument with you now.

And if I did do a series,

wouldn't you want me to go to, like, CBS first?

Or you want me to start

right with the Arab news network?

I'm just saying, you should think about it.

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed. I'm feeling a little down.

Oh, honey, don't be down.

Pakistan sounded unbelievable.

Isn't that a breakthrough?

Yeah, but I never got a chance to interview anyone.

But I don't know, maybe it's a breakthrough.

I can't spot a breakthrough anymore.

Mm. Are you going to the Taj Mahal?

Yeah. Actually, I'm looking forward to that.

Well, maybe you'll learn something there.

Oh, please take a lot of pictures, honey.

I've always wanted to see that.

WOMAN : Train for Agra and Taj Mahal

now departing, track seven.

ALBERT: So with all the Pakistani stuff now,

with everything, how many pages?

Two. Maybe a little more.

Two?

And that's just shorthand.

It should get up to three, typed.

Three?

Can I ask you another question

about what we were talking about earlier?

I don't want to talk about the show anymore.

You know I love comedy.

I know. But this is my vacation day.

I don't wanna talk shop.

Let's enjoy it. Okay.

Why would you choose to do a satire about ventriloquism

if you don't know that everybody knows what a ventriloquist is?

I mean, when I saw that bit on The Ed Sullivan Show,

I peed my pants. But,

of course, I know what a ventriloquist is.

How do I know they don't know what a ventriloquist is?

There's no ventriloquism in India.

You don't know that? No. How would I know that?

I did standup once when I was in college,

and I knew the audience had to understand

what I was talking about. I mean, I just thought

that was something every comedian knew.

Every comedian's different, Stuart.

Sorry I never got a chance to see your act.

Okay, let's talk about the improv bit.

Oh. Don't you think it would've worked better

if the audience had actually seen a real improv before?

Were you in the audience? Yes.

Well, I think I explained what an improv was,

and I think I did a good job.

Well, that's just the point.

I don't think that explanation they really understood.

I think that's a pretty complicated concept to grasp.

I don't analyze comedy to this nth degree.

If I did, I never would've gotten in the business.

I just remember Lenny Bruce once saying,

"Know your audience."

Lenny Bruce. Lenny Bruce was on heroin.

His audience looked like a big needle to him.

What do you think he did? Stand outside at the box office

and interviewed people as they came in?

Who is Lenny Bruce? It's not important.

He doesn't like to talk about other comedians.

The dead ones are fine. That's not the point.

MAYA: Well, I thought that improvisation material

was fascinating.

And you had the courage to change the subjects

when you didn't like them. That was the bit, Maya.

Where's the Taj Mahal?

You didn't see it?

No, honey, I didn't.

How could you not see it?

I don't know. It's like a maze.

It's-- It's complicated.

Quite frankly, it's badly designed.

Remember when we couldn't find Tomorrowland?

Because we were at Knott's Berry Farm.

What's your point?

Honey, I gotta take Laura to school.

Is that Daddy? Yeah.

Hold on. Laura wants to say hello.

Okay.

LAURA: Hi, Daddy.

Hi, baby.

Did you see the Taj Mahal?

No, honey, Daddy missed it.

So you didn't see it?

No, but guess what.

I bought you a snow globe.

What is it?

It's a snow globe, honey.

It's the Taj Mahal, and it snows.

Is it snowing now?

No, in a globe.

It's the same thing that-- With Nemo, but it's the Taj.

Oh.

Daddy says Nemo's at the Taj Mahal.

Nemo's at the Taj Mahal?

Yes, he's there with Popeye.

How could he be anywhere? He's a cartoon.

She didn't understand me,

and now we're sailing on the S.S. Confusion.

Okay, honey.

All right.

I love you.

Hi, what's wrong?

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you would be in bed.

I'm not in bed. What's wrong?

Well, I wanted to talk to you.

And I didn't want to do it on the telephone.

You're not quitting?

No. Of course not.

Okay, come in.

Is something wrong?

No, I had a great time in Agra.

You came here to tell me that?

No.

I've been thinking a lot about what you said.

That I was in a bad relationship.

Gee, I-- I never said that.

Well, you just said that jealousy never worked.

Well, all right. And so...?

I've tried to break up with Mageed in the past.

It's always been difficult.

He simply doesn't want to leave.

Would it be all right if I told him,

just for the sake of the breakup...

...that I was falling for you?

What?

Well, I just thought that

if I could tell him I was falling for you,

then his pride would be hurt,

and he would just go away.

"Go away"? No.

He comes and kills me.

That's a terrible idea.

Bad idea.

I-I'm on a limited visa.

I-I-I can-- I can, you know,

interview people,

but I cannot get involved

in a Middle Eastern person's life.

That's-- That's a no-no.

And I don't know the Iranian culture.

A man like me breaks up a potential marriage,

and then his father buries me up to here

and throws rocks in my face till I'm...dead.

No, silly, that's Libya.

Well, whichever, but...

I-I can't help. Please understand.

I understand.

I would do anything for you, but he's insane.

No, it's okay. Thank you for talking to me.

I mean, I...

He doesn't know you came here, right?

No.

Have him come tomorrow night when we're doing interviews,

and I'll talk to him a little bit.

Maybe I can just say something about not being jealous.

I don't think he would come.

Oh, he'll come.

He's probably come now. Did he follow you?

[INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

The fact of the matter is women wanna be trusted.

It's that simple.

They want to be trusted.

Jealousy is unattractive.

It is?

Very.

May I change the subject?

Sure.

When did you first start doing standup comedy?

A long time ago. Probably before you were born.

You been on The Tonight Show?

Yeah, a lot.

How do you know about The Tonight Show?

I've seen it on a satellite.

Yeah, I've been on there a lot.

So...

tell me how the American show business works.

If you do as badly on The Tonight Show

as you did the other night,

are you banned from the show business?

Are you still allowed to be an entertainer?

First of all, I don't think I did badly the other night.

And second of all, you're not banned from anything.

It's a performance.

I just didn't know if they punished you

when you did badly at comedy.

No, you don't get punished at comedy.

You know, in comedy you try things.

Some work, some don't.

You're allowed to bomb. It's not the end of the world.

Jesus.

Level three?

Level three.

Now, here's my big news:

I'm gonna do another standup concert

here in New Delhi.

What, again?

That would be wonderful.

You want to go onstage again?

You bet. What's wrong with that?

I don't know.

Do you wanna take that abuse?

That wasn't abuse.

They were actually a good crowd.

There were two fundamental things that were wrong

that we can correct.

First of all, the houselights were on.

Do you know that diminishes like

95 percent of the laughter

when they can all see themselves?

So we fix that dimmer, we're in.

Then we move the show a little later.

The concierge was telling me

that the Indians are like the Spaniards.

They don't even get going till late at night.

Eight o'clock was too early. Is that true?

Do the Indians love staying up late?

Yeah, some Indians will stay up late, I guess.

Okay, so that's it.

Two things and we're, like, home free.

We gotta get out of here.

Hey, have a seat. I'm telling them

about a new idea I have for a show.

No, we really have to get out of here.

I just hung up from the American Embassy.

Something's going on.

They don't know what it is,

but they want all high-profile people like yourself out.

"Out"

They want us to leave the country.

I'm not leaving the country.

I'm here for a month.

I have a 500-page report to write.

I've only been here like two weeks.

I-I can't leave.

Washington will understand. You've been here half the time.

I'm sure they'll accept 250 pages.

That's not the point.

MAYA: Psst.

Four.

Four pages?

I'm fucked.

MARK: Yes, sir. What?

Yes, sir.

I'll tell him.

MARK: Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

That was the American ambassador.

He's sorry about cutting your trip short,

but it is for your own safety.

And he wanted me to say he hopes you enjoyed your stay.

Oh, he's now concerned about my stay?

Where the hell has he been?

He was sick or something. I don't know.

Okay. Well, I hope he feels better,

but I'm not leaving New Delhi.

I don't work this way.

I don't write little bits each day,

I gather and gather and gather.

And right now, I am in the research process

and the gathering is happening.

Did you ever watch a beaver build a dam?

A beaver doesn't build a dam in a day.

He gathers all the wood

over weeks and weeks and weeks,

and then one afternoon, when you're not looking,

the dam's up.

It-- It's, like, all writers work that way.

Tolstoy had thought about War and Peace for 16 years

and wrote it in the last two weeks.

And that's-- That's where my report's coming from.

I'm in the gathering phase,

and you don't pull a guy out of a gathering phase.

Do you know what he's talking about?

I could go on. How do you think the pyramids were built?

And I need more time for my history research.

What kind of history research?

It's not important.

The point is, we're staying here.

If you guys wanna leave, that's fine.

But Maya and I will finish up the project.

MARK: Albert.

We're already booked on the 12:30 flight tonight.

This is out of my control.

Get packed.

My medal.

What medal?

I'll write everything up.

We'll see. Maybe we'll be surprised.

Also,

send your notes to Los Angeles

and I'll have somebody work on it there too.

Okay, I will.

Talk about reverse outsourcing.

I've learned so much. Thank you.

Here, give me a hug.

You're really a special person.

And try and work it out with Mageed.

You know, he seems like a nice guy.

He's just too critical.

Look through your notes again.

Maybe there are some pages you might have lost.

Okay, have a safe trip.

Don't be afraid to go further back in history.

I won't! Bye!

To my husband, the Henry Kissinger of comedy.

ALL: Hear, hear!

Listen, I don't know what to say.

I'm thrilled to be back,

and it's really nice to see everybody.

And this is a real surprise.

You deserve it.

Look, Mommy.

WOMAN: Look at that.

Oh, you look gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

I love it.

Open the other one on the dining room table.

That's yours too.

NEWS ANCHOR: --more than 17,000 acres.

Firefighters say the blaze

is only 12 percent contained at this time.

After almost two years of relative peace

India and Pakistan have resumed armed conflict.

Clashes have erupted at various border crossings.

Troop buildups are increasing on both sides.

The two countries, both nuclear powers,

have gone on high alert.

I am so proud of you.

What you've done is monumental.

You might have changed the world.

Oh, honey.

LAURA: Look, Mommy!

The Taj Mahal.

Shake it up, honey.

[DICK VAN DYKE'S "PUT ON A HAPPY FACE" PLAYING]

* Gray skies are gonna Clear up *

* Put on a happy face *

* Brush off the clouds And cheer up *

* Put on a happy face *

* Take off the gloomy mask Of tragedy *

* It's not your style *

* You'll look so good That you'll be glad *

* You decided to smile *

* Pick out a pleasant outlook *

* Stick out that noble chin *

* Wipe off that "full of doubt" Look *

* Slap on a happy grin *

* And spread sunshine All over the place *

* Just put on a happy face *

* Put on a happy face *

* Put on a happy face *

* And if you're feeling cross And bickerish *

* Don't sit and whine *

* Think of banana splits And licorice *

* And you'll feel fine *

* I knew a girl so gloomy *

* She'd never laugh or sing *

* She wouldn't listen to me *

* Now she's a mean old thing *

* So spread sunshine All over the place *

* Just put on a happy face *

WOMAN: Did you try restarting the computer?

Well, restart it again.