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WOMAN 1:
So he passed?

WOMAN 2:
Yeah.

I thought the Scientologists
take things.

As much as they can get.
We offered everything.

I thought so too.

All right, who's next?

Um, Albert Brooks.

And why are you
bringing him in?

Thought it'd be interesting.
It's a different way to go.

Well, I don't want
to go a Jewish way.

He's a good actor.

I-i-it's a different
way to go.

Yeah, okay. Uh, what was
that last thing he did?

That thing
with Michael Douglas?

The In-Laws.
Right.

Ugh, why in God's name
did they remake that?

Ours at least begs for it.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Albert.

How are you?

Okay. How are you?

This is Victoria, the casting.
Yes, I know Victoria.

And this is Jeff,
the studio.

Nice to meet you.
And have a seat.

All right.

So...

Have you ever seen
the original Harvey?

Oh, yes. Many times.

Well, casting you
would certainly be

a different way
to go than Jimmy Stewart.

Don't go
with Jimmy Stewart now,

because that would be
disgusting.

Um, Wednesday night
I was watching Big,

like at 1 in the morning
on cable.

Just, you know,
I just want to tell you,

you did a great job.

Well, thank you.
I loved The In-Laws.

Thank you.

So, what have you
been working on?

You know,
different stuff.

Trying to get
that great acting part.

How's that coming?

I'd love to get Harvey.

Yeah.

Yeah, well,
thanks for coming in.

That's it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Uh, if you want me

to put a scene on tape
with another actor, or...

I'll just watch
The In-Laws again.

All right.

This was quick.

Took me longer
to park downstairs.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to see you.

You know where I am.

Oh, I certainly do.

Okay, bye.

Bye-bye.

That was a waste of time!

What are we looking for?

What does it say on your
little piece of paper? Look.

"The next Jimmy Stewart."

That's not him.

MAN :
Girls, time for bed.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Daddy.

How did
everything go?

Ugh, it's a cruel
world, honey.

Where's Mommy?

Uh, she's
in her office.

Okay.

Yes!

Hi, honey.

Hiya, baby.

How'd it go?

I was more right for A League
of Their Own.
Mm.

What are you doing?
Nothing.

You're on eBay.
No.

Oh, yes, you are.
No.

Oh, yes, you are. I know it.
No, no, no.

Listen, let's put parental
controls on this site.

Honey, that's ridiculous. Laura
doesn't know how to get on here.

Not for her, for you. Parental
controls for the actual parent.

I'm worried.

Aren't you in the Platinum
Buyers' Club now?

Not yet. Are you expecting
something from the government?

The government? No.

You got a registered letter
from the State Department.

Oh, my God.
Did you open it?

No.
I was afraid to.

You know
what this could be?

What?

About four weeks ago,

just because
I was curious,

I went on
an al Qaeda website.

Oh, Albert.
For five minutes.

I didn't give a credit card
or anything.

I just wanted to see
what it was all about.

You think
that's what this is?

Open it.

Read it.

"Dear Mr. Brooks,

"I am heading up a commission

"that is designed
to better understand

"the Muslim peoples
of the world.

"We're attempting this task

"through various measures,

"one of which I would like you
to be involved in.

"If you could come
to Washington D.C.

"as soon as possible

"and meet with our commission,

"we would explain everything
to you at that time.

"We, of course, would pay
for all of your expenses.

"Please let us know.

We would like to proceed
with this as soon as possible."

Sincerely, Fred Dalton Thompson,
Commission Chairman."

Oh, my God.

Fred Thompson,
why is that familiar?

You know, he was a senator
from Tennessee.

Now he's an actor.

Oh, yeah.

God,
that's exciting.

Oh, you have to go,
right?

You think so?

Honey, you have to go.

You've never been asked
by a government commission

to do anything before.

You have to at least
see what that's all about.

I don't know. Maybe they don't
even have the right person.

I bet he thinks
he's writing to Mel Brooks.

Honey, go.

Nothing's happening
here, anyway.

Well, phrased like that,
I guess I should leave now.

ALBERT:
I'm on the way to the hotel.

EMILY:
What time is the meeting
tomorrow?

They want me there
at 10 in the morning.

Honey, you've gotta call me
the second it's over.

The second it's over.

I will, baby.

I'm so excited.

Give Laura a kiss.

I love you.

I love you.

That's him.

Hello.
ALBERT: Hi.

How are you doing?

How are you?

Nice to meet you.

You've met, uh, Barbara Nader.
Yes.

This is Don Budge.

Margaret
Allenton,

Sam Loman,
Ben Wallerstein.

How are you?

Albert.
Please.

Mr. Brooks, thank you
very much for coming in.

How was the hotel?

The hotel was great,
thanks.

Are you, uh, back in politics?
I thought you were acting now.

Once you're in politics,
you never really escape.

Actually,
I am acting now,

but because of my in with
the show business community,

the administration has asked me
to head up this commission.

Congratulations.
What is this commission?

I don't have to tell you

that the world
is in a precarious place.

There are huge numbers of people
that we, as a country,

don't really understand.

The Chinese, the Africans,
and most pressingly,

the Muslim population
of the world.

Now, as a country,

we really haven't gone
about this in any other way

than spying or fighting,
all the normal things.

But now some new tactics
are going to be developed.

And one of those tactics
is laughter.

Laughter?

The president,
as you know,

has a pretty darn good sense
of humor.

And he felt
that maybe the only way

to really understand
somebody

was to see
what makes them laugh.

So we'd like for you
to head up a project.

Take a month,

go to India and Pakistan,

write a 500-page report,

and tell us
what makes the Muslims laugh.

You'd be doing a hell
of a service for your country.

Oh, my...

You know, my wife and I
were guessing what--

What this was all about.
We never guessed this.

Well, I have a lot
of questions.
F

There's a lot of comedians
in America.

How How did I
get picked?

Quite frankly, our first
few choices were working.

Okay.

Don't worry about it.

You're here.

As far as I can tell,

you're a pretty respected
comedian.

What do you say?

Okay, well, so you want me
to go to India and Pakistan.

Now, I know Pakistan
is all Muslim,

but I thought India
was Hindus?

There's over 150 million Muslims
in India alone.

That enough for you?

Let me tell you this:

You find out what makes
the Hindus laugh,

we'll consider
this whole thing a success.

All right. Uh, you mentioned a--
A 500-page report.

You're I mean,
that's what you want?

You want 500 pages?

Approximately.

Margaret,
what's the average length

of a government report?

Average length?
850 pages.

Five hundred pages
is actually short.

It's short?

FRED:
So, yeah, it-- It would need
to be at least 500 pages.

Otherwise it wouldn't justify
the expense of the commission.

I see.

BEN:
Don't worry,

they never read 'em.
But they weigh 'em.

And you can include
a lot of charts.

But not too many
charts.

All right.
It's just, you know,

I--I was never a big
book-report writer in school,

and I've never written anything
that approaches that many pages.

It-- It seems like a--
A huge, uh, job.

We're gonna send
two people with you.

They'll help you.

They'll give you
whatever you need.

I think you'll find,

after spending a month
in India and Pakistan,

you will have enough
for a thousand pages.

And you'd be doing your country
a great service.

You-- You should
consider this an honor.

I understand.

It just seems
like a big responsibility.

Uh, does someone get paid
for this kind of thing?

Well, Mr. Brooks,
these, uh, commissions

aren't really set up
to make money.

But I'll tell you this:

I would think
that the Medal of Freedom

would do wonders
for your acting price.

The Medal of Freedom?

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

That's the

And that has
the colored ribbon?

That's the one.

That's the nice one.

Medal of Freedom.

ALBERT:
At the meeting,
they promised first class.

Nobody mentioned I'd be taking
a Greyhound to India.

Why don't we just sit
with the luggage?

It's a mix-up.

We were supposed
to be seated up front,

but bureaucracy
sometimes screws up.

Sometimes.

What department are you guys in?
Are you with the Secret Service?

Oh, I wish. No, we're
with the State Department.

BUREAUCRAT:
I'm thrilled
to be here.

I'm a really big fan
of yours.

Mark didn't know
who you were,

but I-- I gave him
a couple of your movies.

MARK:
I didn't have a lot
of time to watch those.

Oh, but I did see
that, uh, Lost in America.

Oh, yeah?

Did you like it?

Parts of it.

I thought the ending
was tacked on a little bit.

Little bit.

Do you know I'm supposed
to write a 500

Whoa, that's
a big report.
Yeah.

And you know
I'm supposed

to get an office there
and an assistant?

Yeah, yeah, we already
found you something.

By the way, they didn't
give us a lot of time.

But you found something?

Yeah,
we found something.

I'm sorry, tell me your name.
Stuart.

Stuart, there are a ton of seats
in the front of this plane.

I say we move up
right now.

We can't move.
Why?

Once a plane is in air, you're
not allowed to change classes.

Where'd you hear that?
That's not a rule.

I'm pretty sure it's a rule.
It is not a rule.

May I make a suggestion?

Relax.

We only have...

nineteen hours
and 10 minutes left.

Let's start
working now

on the upgrade
for the flight home.

I'd like
to get that going.

I'll make a call. I don't think
that's gonna be a problem.

What happened?
What?

He's on the phone.
Well, how's he feeling?

This happens
a lot.

No, no, no, we'll grab a cab.
No problem.

Guy who was gonna pick us up
from the embassy is sick.

We'll have
to get a taxi.

You're talking to me?

Mm-hm.

We're not getting
picked up here?

Guy got sick.
What's the big deal?

Got cabs.

[WOMAN SPEAKING IN HINDI
OVER LOUDSPEAKER]

It's a nightmare
in here.

ALBERT:
So, what happens now?

STUART:
Mark's checking us in.

So you'll probably
wanna go to sleep,

get a good night's rest.

Tomorrow, the three of us
can meet at your office.

What are you guys
gonna do?

Me? I'm gonna hit
the hay.

He'll probably go out.
He's the ladies' man.

Too bad
one of the ladies

couldn't have picked us up
at the airport.

ALBERT:
No welcoming committee.

No ambassador. Nobody.

There wasn't even a car.

They stuffed Abbott,
Costello and me into a cab.

There was no first class.
I flew here in a FedEx box.

Oh, honey,
don't sweat that stuff.

What you're doing
is so important.

Maybe I bit off
more than I can chew.

You still worried
about the 500 pages?

Even the cab driver thought
it was excessive.

Honey, hold on,
Laura wants to say hello.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, sweetie.

Are you making
the Muslims laugh?

Well, I just checked in, honey,
but later.

Well, bring me back something.

I will, honey.

I love you.

Love you too.
Here's Mom.

Everyone is so impressed

when I tell them
why you're there,

even my mother.

Oh, honey, your mother thinks
a Muslim is a fabric.

All right,

I guess I'll get up
and shower

and go back to sleep.

I love you.

I love you too.

Bye.

WOMAN 1:
No, sir, you cannot call an
actual Sears store any longer.

MAN 1:
Sir, you are confirmed
on flight 516.

That's Southwest,
leaving Burbank at 10:00.

WOMAN 2:
You have to go down there
to talk to the man.

WOMAN 3:
If you look
in your Kenmore manual,

you will see
that there are two spin cycles.

MAN 2:
State Farm,
how may I help you?

Yes, sir.

[VOICES CONTINUE SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY]

Hey.
STUART: Hey.

Have any trouble
finding the place?

No, the cab knew
where it was.

So, what do you think?

Couldn't find
anything smaller, huh?

You got
another little room in there.

Maybe I can find you
something better.

I'll work on it.

So, what do you
think?

Not bad for such
short notice, huh?

Uh, assistants?
We got some people lined up?

Oh, you got a bunch
of applicants

coming in
this afternoon.

Hopefully,
you'll find one from there.

Getting more
might be difficult.

I have been out
of the workforce for some time,

and I think it'll be
an interesting opportunity

to get back
into the job market.

I understand.
And do you type?

No, I do not type.

You don't type at all?

No, they didn't say
anything about typing.

I'm wondering if they gave you
the job description correctly.

Do you know why you're here?

Yes,
I was told

I'll be an assistant
to a big American star.

Well, that--
That part is true.

Who is it?

It's Mel Gibson.

Oh, my goodness.

Could I just lie
a little bit

and say I type?

I would love
to work with Mel Gibson. Please?

Normally, I could say
you could tell a lie,

but you don't want
to lie to Mel.

Did you see
The Passion of the Christ?

Yes, I did.

You don't want that
to happen to you.

No.

What about dictation?

Dictation?

You know, where you write things
very quickly?

Right things?

This the right?

That's actually the left.

Oh, this is the right,
very right.

That's right.

I know right.
All right.

Well, we passed the hand test,
so I thank you for coming in.

I'm a real people person.

That's good.
And, uh, do you type?

Here and there.

So that's a no?

I like to sing.

All right.

What about typing,
though?

I have never tried
to do both at once.

I don't think
I can sing while I type.

All right. So, uh, I'm curious,
what are your ambitions in life?

Oh, one day I would like
to be a woman.

Well, good luck
with that.

Thank you.

And, uh, do you type?

I type very fast.

And what about shorthand?

That is not a problem.

Well, this is very good.

And do you speak,
uh, more than one language?

Yes, six.

Fantastic.
I'm encouraged.

May I ask you a question?

Yes, of course.

You're not a Jew,
are you?

I'm...

not...

this minute.

I mean, sometimes I--
I am.

How much of the time?

Part-time.

Thanks for coming in.

I graduated
four years ago.

I would like
to get into journalism.

So I'm assuming
you type?

A hundred and thirty-five words
a minute.

Well, that's very,
very good.

And what about,
uh, shorthand?

Oh, all of that
I can do in my sleep.

Well, that's
very encouraging.

May I ask you a question?

Uh-oh.

What exactly
would I be doing?

Oh, hah.

I'm, uh, here representing
the U.S. government,

and we would be compiling

a 500-page report

over the next month

on what makes people
in this part of the world laugh.

Oh, that sounds
wonderful.

I love that kind
of challenge.

Do you know that
for my graduate thesis,

I wrote a 400-page report

on the development
of language in Pakistan?

You've already written
something that's 400 pages?

Well, it was actually
a little bit longer.

Tell me your name again.

Maya.

Maya, you're hired.

Thank you. Heh.

You start in the morning.

Excuse me.

I'm with the United States
government,

and I'm doing a survey here.

Can I ask you
what makes you laugh?

I'm afraid I'm not interested
in talking to anybody

from the United States
government.

Well, I'm not really
with the government.

I-- I just said that.

Just tell me,
what makes you laugh?

I don't want to talk
to anybody from any government.

Good start.

Evening, sir.

What makes you laugh?

I beg your pardon, sir?

It's not for the government,
just for me.

Well,
I like it

when animals
act like people.

What do you mean?

You know, when a--
When a dog can mail a letter,

or a chicken can make a phone
call. That kind of thing.

Ah.

"Stupid Pet Tricks."

That's actually
a very good name for them.

It's--
It's not mine.

All right,

good night.

WOMAN 1:
Toys "R" Us, how may I help you?

MAN 1:
Harry and David, good evening.

WOMAN 2:
Thank you for calling the Gap.

MAN 2:
No, sir, you cannot
talk to Harry...or David.

WOMAN 3:
William Morris Agency,
how may I direct your call?

I thought
that restaurant was overrated.

And I thought--

I have to go.
Good morning.

Good morning,
Mr. Brooks.

Don't call me Mr. Brooks.

I insist
that you call me Albert.

Okay.

Uh, we don't have phones
or computers?

Your friends asked
if I could use my own phone.

They said
they would reimburse me.

What about a computer?

One of them said
they were going to work on it.

Okay, but when we go out
and interview people,

you're gonna take
everything down in shorthand?

Of course.
All right.

You know, they got you
that calendar you wanted.

Oh?

Oh. Heh.

Considering it came from them,
I'm surprised it's not a 2002.

Why would you want
that one?

No, that was a joke.

Oh-- Oh, I'm sorry,
I did not realize.

That's all right.
It's called sarcasm.

It's when you say one thing
but you mean something else.

Oh.

Oh,
I understand now.

Please, Mr. Brooks,
if I miss a sarcasm,

you must always tell me.

Ah, don't worry
about it.

You just laugh
at what you want to.

So...

A man can feel really important
in an office like this.

I am so glad
you've said that.

I was worried
that you were going to think

that it was tiny
and sad.

It is.

Sarcasm.
Yep.

Of course. Why would you
like this office?

If I don't laugh at something
that I'm supposed to,

then please feel free
to just kick me so I understand.

You want me to kick you?

Now I am being sarcastic.

Hey.

You're a fast learner.

So last night I find out

there are no comedy clubs
in New Delhi.

Why would there be?

Oh, I don't know.

You just figure there
are comedy clubs everywhere.

Well, actually,
that's not true.

I was in Denmark, and, uh, they
don't have them there, either.

Denmark is so romantic.
I've always wanted to visit.

Is that a joke?

No.

I never heard Denmark referred
to as romantic before.

Well, I guess it's romantic.

If you like fog
and herring.

Is that a joke?
Yeah.

I thought so,
because I thought,

"How could anyone
like fog and herring?"

That's a terrible combination.
Horrible.

Oh, I'm learning so much.
This is so exciting.

I'm the regular Henry Higgins
of comedy.

Yes, you are.

You know who that is?

No.

My Fair Lady.

It's a Broadway show.

You know what,
if I know you better,

maybe I'll sing it to you.

Good morning.
Hey.

Hey,
how's it going?

Oh, I see
you got the calendar.

Yes, I did.

Listen, have a seat,
all of you.

I wa-- I want to--
I want to tell you something.

I was telling Maya
right before you got here:

there are no comedy clubs
in India,

and I'm sure there are none
in Pakistan.

Now, I was relying
on this.

I was gonna go
to these places

and sit in the back
and observe and take notes,

and I can't do
that now.

Last night,
I had an epiphany.

A week from Saturday,

we are gonna put on what
I am now calling the Big Show.

What would that be?

I'm gonna do a comedy concert
in New Delhi.

So I'm gonna need you guys
to get me an auditorium,

three, four hundred seats

and I'm gonna do every single
comedy bit I can think of,

a whole range of stuff,

and by what these people
laugh at,

I'll start to know
who they are.

That's an interesting idea.
That might work.

Where are we gonna do that?

Well, we'll try
to find someplace.

Well, this wasn't
in any kind of budget.

Come on, guys,
I have 500 pages to write.

Please,
help me out here.

I think it's exciting.

I, for one, have never even seen
a comedian in concert.

People will be thrilled.

Well, maybe it's doable.

Let's see
if we can't work it out.

ALBERT:
Oh, let's not use the word
"doable" looking at her.

But thank you, Mark.

You should've received
that yesterday.

Received what?
Shh.

Oh, I'm gonna
kill myself.

MARK: Tell him to call me back.
I can't just--

This is gonna make me die.
MARK: No.

Yes.

Sorry.

All right.

Then, a week after
the Indian concert,

we do the same exact thing
in Pakistan.

Can you imagine, a standup
comedy show in Pakistan?

A show in India,
a show in Pakistan.

This is fantastic.

So you want to get
an auditorium in Pakistan too?

Don't worry
about Pakistan today.

Let's concentrate
on the Indian one.

MARK:
How we gonna tell
people?

We don't have money
for advertising.

I thought
of that too.

The second you get me
the name of an auditorium,

we'll print up fliers.

Then when we do
the interviews,

we'll hand out the fliers
at the same time.

I think this is
a really good idea.

I saw you in concert in Boston
in the '70s. You were funny.

Thank you, Stuart.

Okay, so we got a plan.
Let's go.

Let's start
the report.

Come on.

Uh, you guys go ahead.

Let me start making
some calls.

See if I can't find us
a space.

ALBERT:
Excuse me, ma'am?

Yeah?

Um, what makes
you laugh?

I don't have time.

What are you writing?

"She doesn't
have time."

Okay.

Uh, excuse me, miss?

Hi. Can you tell me, um,

what makes you laugh.

What did she say?

"She doesn't speak English,
and don't touch her."

You should really
not touch them.

Maybe you should
mention Finding Nemo.

Excuse me?

Yes, sir?

I was in Finding Nemo.

Uh, you speak English?

Yeah.

Um, what makes you laugh?

A good joke.

Oh, really? Okay, tell us a--
An Indian joke.

Uh, tell us a joke.
I don't know any joke.

Please,
you tell me a joke.

Oh, no, I'm here to ask you.
Tell me any joke you know.

No, sir. Please,
you tell me a joke.

All right.
You don't know any jokes?

Okay.

Well, I know one joke.

Uh, a Polish guy goes
to an eye doctor,

and the eye doctor says:

"Look at the chart.
Can you read line two?"

And the Polish guy looks at it,
and the line says:

"C-Z-O-L-Y-Q-R-N-Y-Z-O."

The Polish guy says,
"Read it? I know him."

That was a great joke.
You like that?

Thank you very much.
All right.

All right,
have a nice day.

What should I write down
from that?

Write down that Polish jokes
work everywhere.

[SINGING IN HINDI
OVER SPEAKER]

Hey, what's up?

Mark has got
some good news for you.

What?
We found you a place.

You're kidding me.

School auditorium.

It's near here.
It's about 400 seats.

I think you'll be
very happy.

That's fantastic.
Good work.

We gave the information to Maya.
She's making up fliers tonight.

Well, actually,
I wanted to look them over

before she made them up.

She said
you discussed it.

Why don't you give her a call.
Okay.

Listen,
I'm very impressed.

By the way, getting
an auditorium in Pakistan,

I don't know about that.
That may be impossible.

Well, let's deal
with that next.

I just want to enjoy
the fact that we got one here.

Have a good night.
Good night.

ALBERT:
Is Maya there?

Who's calling?

It's Albert Brooks.

Do you know what time
it is?

I don't know.
Nine?

Uh, who is this,
her father?

No, this is not
her father.

Hi. Sorry I'm so late.
It's Albert Brooks.

Why is he calling
at this hour?

Shh,
cover the phone.

MAN:
I waited for you for two hours.
I thought we were going out.

MAYA:
I told you I would be late.

Hi.
Hi.

I didn't mean to cause
a problem by calling.

No, no, no,
it's not a problem.

I just got home.
I have the fliers.

Yes, they told me.

So it's exactly
what we talked about, right?

Everything's in English?

Ah, everything's
in English,

except the directions
are in English and Hindi.

Well,
was that a good idea?

Well,
I was just afraid

that even if they could read
in English,

they might not be able to follow
the directions in English.

All right, well, good job.
Thank you very much.

I'm very excited.

You know we have to be

at The Laughing Club
early tomorrow?

Yes, I do.

Good night.
Sleep well.

Same to you.

What did you
just say?

What?

You told him
to sleep well?

You're involved now
in his sleep?

Don't start
with me now, please.

Why are you leaving
so early in the morning?

We have to go
to The Laughing Club.

What is that?

Well, it's a yoga class,

but apparently
they laugh for a long time

to make themselves
feel better.

Well, that's just silly.
Why would you want to go there?

To find out
why they laugh.

You know what, I don't want
to talk to you about this.

What could you possibly know
about comedy, anyway?

There are no comedians
in Iran.

I'm going to go take
a bath.

What, you don't think
I know about comedy?

I was the funniest one
in school.

And the funniest one
in explosives training.

Look at this.

They're just laughing.

What should I write down?

Write down that they're laughing
for no apparent reason.

Now, who are these people?

There's Hindus

and Muslims, right?
Mm-hm.

And there are also some Sikhs
over there, as well.

Let me see the fliers.

Oh, good job.

Thank you.

I'm worried
that we have the directions

in Hindi and English.

Shouldn't it just be
in English?

No, no, I wouldn't worry.

Since the body of the flier
is in English,

I think only people
who speak English will come.

We won't get

a non-English-speaking
person

just reading
the directions?

No, no, definitely not.
Okay.

Well, I can't think
of a better place

to hand them out than here.

It's like
a captive audience.

Good morning.

Absolutely free.

Look, we've got a lot to do.

I will call you later.

I don't know.
It might go late.

Listen, I'm hanging up
the phone now.

Mageed,
I'm saying goodbye.

Uh, that was Mageed.

That's your boyfriend?

All the time,
"Where are you going?

Where have you been?"

It wasn't always like this,
but it seems

since he's been
out of work,

his jealousy has been
out of control.

I made a movie
about that once.

It's hard to get rid
of jealousy.

Never seems
to get better.

It won't get better?

It might get better.

ALBERT:
This is gorgeous.

What's this called?

MAYA:
This is the Birla Temple.

Excuse me.

Yes, sir?

Do you speak English?
Yes, sir.

Um, we're asking
different people.

Uh-huh.
What makes you laugh?

What makes me laugh?
Yes.

Okay, laughter is a very serious
business, I suppose.

I will put it this way.

Suppose this gentleman,

he's my friend,

he takes me for a ride.

He takes undue advantage
of my innocence, you can see.

I'm an emotional fool.

He is trying
to make me a fool,

but I'm not a fool.

I allow him
to make me a fool.

You know, just be ignorant.

I just trying to pretend
that I know nothing about him.

I know nothing about the--

You know,
game he's playing with me.

So it makes me laugh.

It makes me feel good.

Okay, now he's happy.

So just to see him happy,

I feel good.

And I start laughing
a little, okay, "ha."

That's a joke.

Very good answer.
Thank you so much.

Thank you, sir.

Don't give him
a flier.

This is Jama Masjid,

the largest mosque
in India.

Wow.

Come, we can get
a tour.

GUIDE:
The mosque is built
in 16, 15 century

for Mogul emperor,
Shah Jahan.

This call means
"Jama Masjid."

"Masjid" means "mosque."

"Jama" means "Friday."

So every Friday
by pray here,

35,000 people
to pray here.

And there's the two minaret
and three domes,

and the dome inside is nothing.

Just empty like the decorations.

Say, do you mind
if I ask you a question?

Yes, sir, why not?

We're asking everybody.

What makes you laugh?

I don't know, sir.

Do you know
any comedians?

Have you heard
of any American comedians?

Yes.

The Three Stooges.

The Three Stooges?

You know them?
Yeah.

Do you have a favorite?

Larry.

Larry?

Nobody likes Larry.

Here, you have
a flier.

Thank you.

ALBERT:
What makes you laugh?

What did he say?

I do not speak
that language.

All right.

We're done
for the day.

You wanna get
something to eat

or have a drink?

Okay.

I think I'm gonna have
a martini.

Do you want something?

You know, maybe I will
have a small drink.

Okay.

In your honor,
I will have a Manhattan.

Well, I'm not
from Manhattan.

I'm from Los Angeles.

Well, does Los Angeles have
any drinks named after them?

I think they have one:

The Freeway.

What's that?

Well, it's like
a martini

but from the time
you order it,

it takes three hours
to get here.

Is that a joke?

Yeah.

Oh, see,

I almost got that instantly,
but I still

had to ask.

Yes, but look how much better
you're getting.

It just took you this long.

Mm.

[PEOPLE SPEAKING IN HINDI
OVER TV]

ALBERT:
Hello?

Hello, Mr. Brooks.

Oh.

Good morning.
How are you?

MAYA:
I'm fine.

I'm at the office,
and I wondering what

you would like me
to prepare for today.

H-how many pages did we get

from all the interviews
we did yesterday?

What do you have down there?

Almost half a page.

For the day?!

Oh, crap.

So, what do I got,
499 and a half pages left?

Well, don't forget
that the Big Show

is going to tell you everything.

I had an idea.

See what you think about this.

How much do you know
about the history of India?

The history?

What if you become an expert
on Indian history?

Do you think you could do that?

Okay, if that's what
you would like.

My thinking is,
if I don't hand in something

that says who the people are,

where they come from,

who their ancestors are,

who their grandparents are,

Washington's gonna say,

"You didn't do your job,
buddy."

You want me to pad the report?

Well, I don't like to use
that expression,

but, yes, heavily.

Okay?

All right, I'll go
to the library.

Let's make this
our little secret.

WOMAN 1:
Your doors are now unlocked.

Thank you for using OnStar.

MAN:
Saks Fifth Avenue,
how may I help you?

WOMAN 2:
The White House,
how may I direct your call?

Okay, fine,
you wanna bet?

Sure, I'll bet ya.
Hello.

No, you can sit there.

What are you dressed as?

You know, I thought I
would put people

more at ease
when I question them

if I looked like them.

Oh, yeah.

You're one of
the family now.

Where's Maya?

She's doing
an assignment for me.

Hey, she said
you only passed out

50 fliers yesterday.

Yeah, so?

You don't have enough time

to fill 400 seats
like that.

You gotta pass out
a lot more fliers.

You have to go under
the assumption

that three or four percent
of the people you give them to

are actually gonna show up.

So you really need
to give out thousands.

Well, we're giving them out.

I'm back.

Hey, how did it go?

There is so much history
to research.

My goodness.

Nice clothes.

ALBERT:
Thanks.

What kind of history?

It's an idea I have.

It's too early
to really talk about.

Maya, what's the busiest
place in this city?

You know, where there are
the most people?

Old Delhi.
It's a madhouse.

Okay, I think
the four of us

should go to Old Delhi
right now,

pass out as many fliers
as possible.

He doesn't think
we're giving out enough.

This screening process
is really gonna hurt you.

Would you rather have
a full house

or only 50 handpicked people?

I'd like handpicked.

MARK:
Well, I agree with Stuart.

The important thing
is to fill the place.

Come on. Old Delhi.
Let's go.

ALBERT:
This is a terrible idea.

We don't even know
if these people speak English.

No, please.
Let's draw the line

at motor-powered vehicles.

No rickshaws.

Hi, how are you?

Let me take one back,
just in case.

MAYA:
Get your fliers.
Directions are in Hindi...

Hi, how are you?
English

Comedy show? Good.

Hi. No.

Here.

Collecting.
Hi, we're collecting.

We didn't spell check these.
Thank you.

Just maybe ask
if they know me or--

Oh, my God, no children.
Hi, I might work dirty.

ALBERT:
Where's he gonna sit?

Which building
is the auditorium?

It's down here.

You know, you told me
this was in downtown Delhi.

It took us two hours
to get here.

How's anyone gonna find
this place?

They live here.
They know where things are.

When people want to go
to something badly enough,

they find it.

It's just far, that's all.

I hope the rickshaw guy
and the cow get a head start.

So everybody can hear
with the sound system?

Yes.

All right.

Uh, who works the spotlight?

I do.

You work the spotlight
and the houselights?
Yes.

Okay, so for
the spotlight,

I pace back and forth
when I work.

You'll hold it on me?

Yes.

You wanna practice?

Are you an acrobat?
No.

I don't need to practice.

Um, do you have

a refreshment stand
outside

if they want a cool drink
or a candy bar?

No.

All right.

And the bathrooms are close by
if they have to go?

There are no bathrooms
here, sir.

The only bathrooms are
in the first building,

when you came
into the school.

If you're going to use
the bathroom, you need a key.

What if the audience has to go
to the bathroom?

They will need a key.

Yeah, but you're telling me
it's six buildings away.

So, I have to pee,
I need a Sherpa.

STUART:
Uh,

let me see what I can do.

I'll work on it.

Why do you keep
saying that to me?

I'm curious, what are you gonna
do about the bathrooms?

You gonna stand outside
with a cup?

I don't know, maybe we could
rent a portable something.

We're not going to put
a portable anything.

ALBERT:
Um, there's dressing rooms
backstage?

There are no rooms
backstage.

Well, where do I dress
and prepare for the show?

Dress right here.

On the stage?

Why not?
Okay.

I'm gonna need
a place to,

you know,
get my makeup on and prepare

so could you put up, like,
a little tent outside?

You want a tent?

Well, do you wanna build me
a room in the next two days?

I-I need a place to be alone.

We'll find something.

All right.

Did I cover everything?

Is there anything else
you can think of?

No. You should feel
excited.

It's going to be
a magnificent evening.

Are we done?

Yeah.

It's two minutes to 8.

Do they like to start
right on time here,

or do we start
a little late?

It is best
not to keep them waiting.

You're gonna stand off here
during the show?

Yes, he asked me to assist him
in whatever he needs.

Stuart and I are gonna
take our seats.

You should go get him.

Tell him
to break a leg.

Oh, please.
That's mean.

Mr. Brooks?

ALBERT:
Come in.

It's time for the show.

Mark apologizes
for the mix-up with the tent.

Yeah, think how Cochise feels
when he got the makeup tent.

You look very nice.
Not too formal?

No.

All right. Everything's
off

Yes, everything is there.
The dummy

Let's do it.
Okay.

ALBERT:
Looks like a full house.

Okay. Can somebody
introduce me?

Nobody talked
about that.

Maybe he could
announce you?

Can you do that?

I am not very comfortable
speaking in front of people.

All right. Do you have
an off

No, we only have
one mike.

You asked me
to put it out front.

I know, but I need
an off-stage mike

because then I'm gonna have
to introduce myself.

So?

Well, you wanna go get that mike
for me?

You want me to go out
and get the microphone?

ALBERT:
Yes.

You don't want to get it?
No.

Why not?

Because I'm the headliner.

I shouldn't go out
and drag the mike off

and then make another entrance.

It's-- Please.

I love you, Albert!

You see that?
They love you.

That's not me.

You are going to do
the introduction--

ALBERT :
Shhh! They'll hear you.

They what?
Shhh.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

ALBERT:
You are in

for a very special treat
this evening.

Would you welcome,

all the way from America,

one of the biggest comedians
in the world,

Albert Brooks.

Where's Albert?

I'm Albert.

He works for the school.

Well, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and thank you very much.

And it's a pleasure
to see all of you tonight.

Before we start,

I would love if we could
lower the houselights.

So if we could do that now,
we could begin the show.

Could we lower
just the houselights?

Keep everything else on,

just shut those off.

And everything's off.

Okay, we have no electricity.

Hello

BOY:
I can't hear you.

Yes, because there's
no microphone.

Leave the mike and the spot on.
Turn the house off.

And we're all back on again.

I'm lookin' at every face.

You can't lower
the house only?

Not tonight.
The switch is broken.

You're kidding?
All right, well,

if I have to see my audience,

you're a lovely audience
to see.

It is a pleasure

to be here in New Delhi.

And, uh, tonight's
a very special night

because by what you laugh at,

you're gonna teach me
who you are.

After here, we're moving on
to Pakistan,

and we wanna know, what do
the Muslims laugh at?

The Hindus

What makes you guys chuckle?

So I'm gonna do
a range of jokes tonight.

Intellectual stuff,
bottom-of-the-barrel stuff,

the whole gamut.

And by the way,

if a couple of jokes
sail over your head,

don't worry about it.

They're jokes, not birds.
They don't shit.

Okay,

I just learned something.

Shit jokes don't play
in New Delhi.

Let's start with a riddle.
A buddy of mine told me this.

Why is there no Halloween
in India?

'Cause they took away
the Gandhi.

Oh, God, am I learning.

Put that down.
All right.

I've been, you know, touring
around your lovely country,

and, uh, I've seen a lot
of wonderful places.

I was in Kashmir last weekend.

Went to visit
one of my sweaters.

You know what I'm thinking here?

And possibly this is our fault

because we put, uh,

a couple different languages
on the fliers.

How many understand me?

If you speak English,
would you raise your hand?

How many?

All of you?
Oh, God.

All right, let's move on.

I think it's time to bring on
my little buddy.

He's very popular in America,

and I think he'll go over
very well.

Give a nice little
New Delhi welcome

to Danny.

Everything is going great.

All right.

Great.

Here he is.

Hey.

Look, Danny, we're in New Delhi.

Oh, man, it's fantastic
to be here.

You know, Danny used to be
an actor,

a long time ago.

You know, I almost got the part
in The Exorcist.

That's right, he did.

Do you remember
your audition scene?

Sure do.

Okay.

I'm wondering if The Exorcist
ever got to India.

How many people
ever heard of The Exorcist?

Really?

You know, Danny,

I'm getting a little nervous
now.

Why don't you have a cigarette.
That always calms you down.

Well, I just can't have
a cigarette

and leave everybody
sitting here.

They might get bored.

I'll sing a song
while you have a cigarette.

All right, Danny.

That's a little
ventriloquist trick.

What are you gonna sing?

The famous Al Jolson number,
"Swanee."

Fantastic.

Do you remember when "Swanee"
first was done, Danny?

No, I'm not sure.

Well, it was done, I believe,
in the movie The Jazz Singer.

Wow, that's a hell of a fact.

Anyway, you ready, Danny?

Ready anytime you are.

All right.

* Swanee *

* How I love ya
How I love ya *

* My dear old Swanee *

* I'd give the world to be... *

* In I-N-D-I-A
India *

Thanks to those three people.

You know, Al,

I'm getting a little nervous
now.

I could go for
a cool drink of water.

All right, Danny.

And so the audience
doesn't get bored,

while you have a drink of water,
I'll sing.

What are you gonna sing?

I'm gonna do a song
my grandmother

used to sing for us

every night before
we went to bed.

* Ninety-nine bottles of beer
On the wall *

* Ninety-nine
Bottles of beer *

* If one of those bottles
Should happen to fall *

* There'd be 97 bottles *

* Of beer on the wall *

Danny, everybody.

Give my little buddy a hand.
Danny.

Yeah, it's my last appearance
ever.

He's so cute.

Burn me.

All right.

Now I'd like to do something

that I think we're gonna have
a lot of fun with.

This is the part of the show

that I call
the improvisation section.

An improvisation

is when a comedian

takes suggestions
from the audience

and incorporates it
into a routine.

You're gonna see comedy

created right in front
of your eyes.

So let's start, all right?

Now, I'm gonna play a man

in the little skit, obviously.

And I'd like you
to name me a country.

Where might this man be from?

Any country.

Come on, don't be shy.

Give me a country, any country.

WOMAN 1: Switzerland.
WOMAN 2: France.

MAN 1: Germany.

Germany. Germany's a good one.

Let's make this man

from Germany.

All right. Good.

Okay, now.

We gotta give
this guy a profession.

So, what should he be?

Should he be a doctor, lawyer?

MAN 2:
Farmer. Farmer.

Farmer.

We'll make our German friend
a farmer.

Good one.
You people, I think,

are helping
to create something

that could be pretty darn funny.

All right, what does
our German farmer raise?

Does he raise something?
Does he grow something?

What?

Is that, I hear, a sheep?

Corn.

MAN 3:
Turnips.

You know what I heard over here

that I think is really
fascinating? Turnips.

Who even thought a farmer
raised turnips?

But I bet they do,
'cause where do you get 'em?

So we got ourselves a German

who raises turnips.

German farmer raises turnips.

Should he be married
or unmarried?

CROWD:
Married.

Married.
Married.

Okay, married.
We'll make him a married guy.

By the way, most farmers
are married.

I don't know why that is.

I think because you have
all the animals to tend to,

you need help.

So we got ourselves
a German farmer,

married guy, raises turnips.

Does he have children?
If so, how many?

I'm hearing a lot of "fives."

I hear some "fives."
So we'll give the guy

five kids.

Okay, now, uh...

how does he do for a living?

Does he sell a lot of turnips?
Is he rich

CROWD:
Poor!

Well, that you had an opinion on
pretty quickly.

All right,
now, let's see how you

brand-new comedy writers
have done.

You've given me
a German farmer,

married guy, five kids,

he's poor, he raises turnips.
Okay.

Imagine how this man's day
might go. Huh?

First of all,
farmers get up early,

so you know his alarm clock's
ringing at 5:30 a.m.

His day might start something
like this:

Okay, I don't like
the Germany part.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna make
this farmer Chinese.

I think that might be
a little more fun.

Let's see.

Oh, the China--

They don't raise turnips
in China,

so let's make him a rice farmer.

And we'll give him
a few more kids,

because five is not as funny

as 10. Huh?

Okay. Now, look what
you've given me here.

Chinese farmer, rice guy,

married, 10 kids,
and he's poor.

How might his day begin?

Imagine that alarm clock
going off.

Good morning.

I don't like the "poor."

I'm gonna make him middle-class.

I actually love the poor,

and quite frankly,
I don't wanna get a review

in The Daily Indian that Brooks
made fun of the poor.

Whoever said "farmer,"
good one.

Not for this improv.

We're gonna make the guy
a bus driver

because I've never been
to a farm,

but I have been to a bus.
Now,

Chinese bus driver.

Well, the "rice"
is no good here.

Actually, "rice"
is a little racist,

so I'm glad that's gone.

And we should get rid
of the "10 kids."

I remember reading an article
in Harper's Bazaar

the average bus driver
has three children.

So you've said,
"Albert, do an improv

"of a Chinese bus driver,
doesn't like rice,

married, three kids,
middle-class." Good suggestions.

Going to get rid
of the "bus driver,"

make him a Chinese auto worker.

You know what we'll do?

We'll have this man asking
his boss for a raise.

This is gonna be funny.

But we can't make him
middle-class,

'cause they don't pay
the Chinese.

We've got to make him
semi-poor.

This breaks my heart.
You win. Get off your tush.

All right,
how might his day begin?

Good morning, honey.

Let's dump the wife.

Make him a divorced

Chinese man.

This is gonna be interesting.

Uh, Chinese people don't
get divorced, really, do they?

Let's make him Japanese.

You know what,

I just read an article where
divorce is just coming to Japan.

And from what the article said,
they're diggin' it.

Okay.

Now, what have you given me?

You've given me
a Japanese auto worker,

divorced fella, five kids,
semi-poor.

How might it go if that man

asks for a raise?

Might go something like this.

I want a raise!

You not paying me enough money!

I build all the car for you,

but you don't pay me enough!

I'd rather live in Germany!

I do better off there!

My Chinese friend,
he do better than me!

Who said Chinese? We used it.

Okay, I don't like
being auto worker!

I would rather be bus driver
or farmer, even!

I would do way better
to be farmer!

Whose idea was farmer? Good job.

I gotta have more money because
I don't have enough money

for rice or turnip or anything
I like to eat.

Because if I don't have money,
I can't get married again.

See, I'd be divorced.

I wanna be middle-class,
I wanna have five kids,

I wanna be married again,
I wanna eat rice,

I love the auto worker,
I'm a Japanese man.

That, ladies and gentlemen,
is an improvisation.

Okay.

Do you like coin tricks?

The crowd gone?

Not quite yet.

Do you want to hide in there
till they leave?

Why would I want to hide?

I don't know,
it's just a thought.

There he is.

How come you changed the farmer
from a German?

I don't know.
I just did.

Have a nice night.

Would you like me
to carry your dummy?

Yeah, thank you.

Are you all right?

Why is everybody
talking to me

like there's been
a car accident?

I'm fine.

I'm actually
on an after-the-show high.

Do you need a martini?

No, no, that's fine.
MAGEED: Maya.

Maya.

What are you doing here?

It's a public show.
I want to see it.

This is, um,
my friend, Mageed.

I'm her boyfriend.

You have lots of friends,
but only one boyfriend.

ALBERT:
We're gonna go back
to the hotel.

I'll see you
at the office tomorrow.

We'll go over your notes.

Okay.

Nice to meet you.

Was this the first time you
ever done standup comedy?

No.

Really?

Good night, Maya.

I'll call you in the morning.

Congratulations, Mr. Brooks.

ALBERT:
Thank you.

Congratulations?

Are you kidding?

I tell you something.
Maybe I was a little jealous,

but after seeing
that show tonight,

I'm not jealous anymore.

You weren't even invited
to the show.

It was a public event.
I took a flier.

Well, I thought
the show was brilliant.

Brilliant? Nobody laughed.

Well, that's because
they're idiots.

Oh, I see. You're turning
on your own people?

They're idiots?

I'm going home.

Do you want to get
something to eat?

I'm not hungry.

Why are you upset?

You were not on-stage.

ALBERT :
Let's start with a riddle.

How come there's no Halloween
in India?

Because they took away
the Gandhi.

Oh, God, am I learning.

So we've got some good news
and some bad news

about Pakistan.

Yeah?

The visas aren't
gonna happen.

We're not gonna be able to go
through normal channels.

What do you mean?

It's a screw-up,
that's all.

Sometimes it happens.

What do you mean,
"a screw

U.S. didn't apply
for the visas in time.

Take another six weeks
to get them, if we could at all.

Just the way it happens
sometimes.

Yeah, but that's
not fair.

My assignment is to go
to India and Pakistan.

What do I do now?

We've been told about
a group of guys

who live in Pakistan,

and they're actually
budding comedians.

Now, I think we can arrange
for you to meet with them,

and if you can, maybe you
can learn a lot that way.

Budding comedians?

They'll come here?

No, no, they can't come here.
You'd have to go there.

But you just said
I can't get a visa.

Well, if this all works out,
you wouldn't need a visa.

We'll cross the border
near Lahore.

We'd do it
in the middle of the night.

Now, you'd only be there
for a few hours,

but at least you'd get a chance
to meet them.

We're crossing the border
in the middle of the night?

But it's a border crossing.

I mean, someone's gonna ask me
for a visa.

It doesn't matter
what time it is.

It's not a border crossing
in the traditional sense.

In what sense is it?

An illegal crossing.

It's not a big deal.

It's not a part of the border
that's watched.

And we'd be with you.

You want me to cross
into Pakistan illegally?

You don't have to do it.

We thought this might
help you out.

Look, you know I need Pakistan
in the report.

You know how many pages
I have to write.

I'm in a bind here.

STUART:
I don't know.

A secret meeting with
Pakistani comedians?

I think that sounds
pretty fascinating.

Secret?

Why Why does it
have to be secret?

Well, you're crossing
the border illegally.

They can't meet you
in a public place.

You could all go to prison.

Prison?

Don't worry
about it now.

Sleep on it.

We should be at the border
in about 45 minutes.

STUART:
So I'm curious
about something.

What do you think
of other comedians?

Chris Rock, do you think
he's funny?

Yes, he is, he's funny.

How about Conan O'Brien,
do you like him?

He's a funny guy.

Bill Maher?

Funny.

What about that guy
from King of Queens?

I don't wanna
answer this anymore.

I'm gonna tell you
a show business secret, okay?

Comedians don't like to talk
about other comedians.

They'll answer you,
and tell you a guy's funny,

but all they really wanna
talk about is themselves.

So never ask a comedian
who's funny.

That's a secret.
All right?

MARK:
That's them.

ALBERT:
This is the border?

MARK:
That's it.

It doesn't even look like
we can cross this bridge.

We can't.

No, you gotta get out
and go with them.

ALBERT:
What do you mean?
We're all going in the truck?

No, no, they don't want
anybody but you.

What? What are you
talking about?

We're all supposed to go.

We just found out about this
this morning.

I'm not going alone with them.

ALBERT:
Why don't we just save time
and ask the guy

to come and kill me in this car.

I was told it's legitimate.

I think they're comics,
not terrorists.

Yeah, but you don't know that
for sure.

Okay, we'll check it out.

What do you think?

Well, if they really are
comedians,

I think it'd be fascinating
to understand them.

MAYA:
It would make the report longer.

I think we might be in
a bit of trouble, lengthwise.

It feels legitimate.

You'll go with these guys,

you'll spend
four hours with the comedians

and they'll take you back.

Well, I've never been
known for my bravery,

but I've come this far.

Come, through here.

To the truck.

Let's go.

I hope to God
he'll be all right.

I can't believe

he doesn't like to talk
about other comedians.

I thought they loved that.

Are you one of the comedians?

No. But I love comedy.
And they are my friends.

What are you doing?
Hey, what are you doing?!

I have to put
this blindfold on you.
No!

Take-- Take--
Why are you doing this?

It is a very secret meeting,

and no one should
know where it is.

Well,
I'm not gonna tell anybody.

I'm sorry.

Yeah,
but I don't know this area.

I can barely get around
Los Angeles at night.

[TRANSLATOR
SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

What is so funny?

You.
Huh?

We were playing
a practical joke on you.

We really didn't
need the blindfold.

ALBERT:
Huh. So I crapped
in your car for nothing.

Well, how much
of a practical joke is this?

Am I even in Pakistan?

You're in Pakistan, all right.

And these are our
aspiring comedians.

Asheed thought the blindfold
would be funny.

Oh.

Well, good job, Asheed.

They don't speak English.

I will be translating it
for them.

Oh, no, no. Thank you.

I haven't done that
in a long time.

No, thank you.

It is rude to decline.

[SPEAKS ANGRILY
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Okay.

I do not want to be rude.

I didn't come
all the way here to be rude.

Thank you.

Oh. Shit.

Oh, my God, am I stoned.

I--

No wonder you live here.

How much is this an ounce?

Look at all the colors.
I've never seen dirt that brown.

The fire looks so pretty.

[SPEAKS
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[ALL SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

They would like you to do

one of your, uh,
famous routines.

Oh.

Tell them thank you.

But, uh,
I'm not gonna perform tonight.

Actually, what I'd like to do
is question everybody.

Like a 15-minute interview
with each person?

[ALL SPEAKING ANGRILY
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I would suggest
for your own safety

that you perform.

Okay, I'm performing.

Absolutely.
The show's starting now.

Tell them yes,
tell them yes.

ALBERT: Good evening, gentlemen.
TRANSLATOR: Salaam alaikum.

It's a pleasure to be here
in Pakistan.

[MEN RESPOND
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

And, uh...

Well, let's start out
with a riddle.

How come
there's no Halloween in India?

Because they took away
the Gandhi.

Gandhi!

ALBERT:
Well, you know,

next week,
I'm going to Kashmir.

Yeah, I'm gonna visit
one of my sweaters.

* Ninety-eight
Bottles of beer on the wall *

* Ninety-eight bottles of beer *

* If one of those bottles *

* Should happen to fall *

* There'd be 97
Bottles of beer on the wall *

I need a raise!
I can't feed family!

I gonna be forced
to move back to Russia!

Or even Indonesia!

I just want to conclude
by saying--

And I mean this.

--you are
one of the best audiences

I have ever performed for.

ALBERT:
I wish you all well--

--in your comedy career.

And I'd like to leave you
with something

the great Irving Berlin
once said.

...Irving Berlin.

And this, my friend,
needs no translation.

* There's *

* No business
Like show business *

* Like no business I know *

Thanks for coming.

* Everything about it
Is appealing *

Thanks, so much.

* Everything the traffic
Will allow *

Drive safely.

Good luck.
Okay.

Don't worry about the 500 pages.
All right.

ALBERT:
Nice to meet you.

Hey,

if you guys
ever make a dirty bomb,

put some of that hash in it.

Consider it done.

I killed.

Everything worked.

Can we stop
for a milkshake?

STUART:
Albert.
Hey.

You going to the office?
Yeah.

Well,
you were right.

Our contacts told us
you were hysterical last night.

What do you think,
I'm lying to you?

I think I have
some good news for you.

What?
Well,

Al-Jazeera
has an office here in Delhi

and they want to see you
today at 4 o'clock.

Al-Jazeera heard about
what we're doing?

Oh, my God!

You know what this means?

They'll broadcast it
to the whole Muslim world.

I mean, people will start
opening up.

This is huge.

Sounds good.

Oh, man.

This is how
you win a Nobel Prize.

You know, you can't go
to them and say,

"Look at me. What I'm doing
is so important."

But when they
find out about you,

it's limitless.

Good going.

Congratulations.

I'm gonna get something
special to wear.

I saw these shoes.

I'll see you at 4.

[MAN AND SECRETARY
CONVERSING IN ARABIC]

...Mr. Albert Brooks.

[BOTH CONVERSING
IN ARABIC]

They're expecting you.
Follow me.

Mr. Brooks.

I am Shaif Al-Rafi.
How are you?

I'm one of the
vice presidents of Al-Jazeera.

This gentleman,
Mukhtar Al-Mujib.

Pleasure.
AL-RAFI: He's in programming.

And this is Anisha Kishore.

She is with
our New Delhi office.

How are you?
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
Please.

Listen, I just want to say
before we start,

I'm thrilled to be here.

When I heard
that you were interested

in helping me with my project,
I just--

I got so excited.

With your help, I could reach
the entire Muslim world.

I mean, possibly--

If you think
it's the right thing to do.

--I'd be willing
to go to Iran, or Turkey,

or anywhere you're broadcast.

Because,
with your permission,

people are gonna open up to me.

So I'm just--
I'm over the top.

I'm just thrilled
you're on board.

I'm not understanding
what you're saying.

What project?

What do you mean?
My government project.

Looking for comedy
in the Muslim world.

Looking for comedy?

In the Muslim world?

Isn't that why
you wanted to see me?

We heard you were in town
doing a cartoon.

What?

Aren't you
playing a fish?

No.
No, that was years ago.

I'm-- I'm here doing this
important government study.

Well, that is news to us.

Well, why did you
want to see me, then?

We have some exciting news.

Al-Jazeera's getting into
the entertainment business.

Al-Jazeera E.

E?

We're going to produce
television programs.

Some of them are going to be
situation comedies.

We have an idea.

An American Jewish man

living in a Muslim
apartment complex.

We're looking for
an American comedian.

And since you're here
doing the cartoon,

we thought we would mention it,
see if you're interested.

You're offering me a sitcom?

It is not a firm offer.

But if you are interested,
we will proceed.

You know, I don't--

I don't think I'm interested
in doing a sitcom.

It's a very funny idea.
We even have a title:

What does that mean?

Well, roughly:

"That Darn Jew."

We think it's very timely.

Well...

I'm sorry, I--

I don't wanna do
a television pilot.

No, it is not a pilot.

If the deal works out,

we could guarantee
you six firm shows.

Six?

I-- I don't want to get
into television

at this time in my life.

AL-MUJIB:
You're making a big mistake.

Television
is where the money is.

Yes, I know,
but I'm in the movie business.

That might be
a bad career decision.

You might be getting
too old for the movies.

At your age, you should
think about television.

AL-RAFI:
Look at those Friends.

Those Friends are rich.

Yeah,
the Friends are rich.

But I'm going
to respectfully pass.

Thank you.

And, uh, have a nice day.

Do you know how
to get ahold of Jerry Seinfeld?

No.

Give me another Jew, quickly.
Another Jew, come on.

Hey, give me another Jew!

Well, you know my opinion.
I don't think you should

pooh-pooh television
that quickly.

Emily, I'm not gonna have
the TV argument with you now.

And if I did do a series,

wouldn't you want me to go to,
like, CBS first?

Or you want me to start

right with
the Arab news network?

I'm just saying,
you should think about it.

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed.
I'm feeling a little down.

Oh, honey, don't be down.

Pakistan sounded unbelievable.

Isn't that a breakthrough?

Yeah, but I never got a chance
to interview anyone.

But I don't know,
maybe it's a breakthrough.

I can't spot
a breakthrough anymore.

Mm. Are you going
to the Taj Mahal?

Yeah. Actually,
I'm looking forward to that.

Well, maybe you'll
learn something there.

Oh, please take
a lot of pictures, honey.

I've always wanted to see that.

WOMAN :
Train for Agra and Taj Mahal

now departing, track seven.

ALBERT:
So with all
the Pakistani stuff now,

with everything, how many pages?

Two.
Maybe a little more.

Two?

And that's just shorthand.

It should get up to three,
typed.

Three?

Can I ask you
another question

about what we were
talking about earlier?

I don't want to
talk about the show anymore.

You know I love comedy.

I know.
But this is my vacation day.

I don't wanna talk shop.

Let's enjoy it.
Okay.

Why would you choose to do
a satire about ventriloquism

if you don't know that everybody
knows what a ventriloquist is?

I mean, when I saw that bit
on The Ed Sullivan Show,

I peed my pants. But,

of course,
I know what a ventriloquist is.

How do I know they don't know
what a ventriloquist is?

There's no ventriloquism
in India.

You don't know that?
No. How would I know that?

I did standup once
when I was in college,

and I knew the audience
had to understand

what I was talking about.
I mean, I just thought

that was something
every comedian knew.

Every comedian's different,
Stuart.

Sorry I never got a chance
to see your act.

Okay, let's talk about
the improv bit.

Oh.
Don't you think
it would've worked better

if the audience had actually
seen a real improv before?

Were you in the audience?
Yes.

Well, I think I explained
what an improv was,

and I think I did a good job.

Well, that's just the point.

I don't think that explanation
they really understood.

I think that's a pretty
complicated concept to grasp.

I don't analyze comedy
to this nth degree.

If I did, I never would've
gotten in the business.

I just remember
Lenny Bruce once saying,

"Know your audience."

Lenny Bruce.
Lenny Bruce was on heroin.

His audience looked like
a big needle to him.

What do you think he did?
Stand outside at the box office

and interviewed people
as they came in?

Who is Lenny Bruce?
It's not important.

He doesn't like to talk
about other comedians.

The dead ones are fine.
That's not the point.

MAYA:
Well, I thought that
improvisation material

was fascinating.

And you had the courage
to change the subjects

when you didn't like them.
That was the bit, Maya.

Where's the Taj Mahal?

You didn't see it?

No, honey, I didn't.

How could you not see it?

I don't know. It's like a maze.

It's-- It's complicated.

Quite frankly,
it's badly designed.

Remember when we couldn't
find Tomorrowland?

Because we were
at Knott's Berry Farm.

What's your point?

Honey, I gotta take Laura
to school.

Is that Daddy?
Yeah.

Hold on.
Laura wants to say hello.

Okay.

LAURA:
Hi, Daddy.

Hi, baby.

Did you see the Taj Mahal?

No, honey, Daddy missed it.

So you didn't see it?

No, but guess what.

I bought you a snow globe.

What is it?

It's a snow globe, honey.

It's the Taj Mahal,
and it snows.

Is it snowing now?

No, in a globe.

It's the same thing that--
With Nemo, but it's the Taj.

Oh.

Daddy says Nemo's
at the Taj Mahal.

Nemo's at the Taj Mahal?

Yes, he's there with Popeye.

How could he be anywhere?
He's a cartoon.

She didn't understand me,

and now we're sailing on
the S.S. Confusion.

Okay, honey.

All right.

I love you.

Hi, what's wrong?

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you would
be in bed.

I'm not in bed.
What's wrong?

Well, I wanted to talk to you.

And I didn't want to do it
on the telephone.

You're not quitting?

No. Of course not.

Okay, come in.

Is something wrong?

No, I had a great time in Agra.

You came here
to tell me that?

No.

I've been thinking a lot
about what you said.

That I was in
a bad relationship.

Gee, I--
I never said that.

Well, you just said that
jealousy never worked.

Well, all right.
And so...?

I've tried to break up
with Mageed in the past.

It's always been difficult.

He simply doesn't
want to leave.

Would it be all right
if I told him,

just for the sake
of the breakup...

...that I was falling for you?

What?

Well, I just thought that

if I could tell him
I was falling for you,

then his pride would be hurt,

and he would just go away.

"Go away"? No.

He comes and kills me.

That's a terrible idea.

Bad idea.

I-I'm on a limited visa.

I-I-I can-- I can, you know,

interview people,

but I cannot get involved

in a Middle Eastern person's
life.

That's-- That's a no-no.

And I don't know
the Iranian culture.

A man like me breaks up
a potential marriage,

and then his father
buries me up to here

and throws rocks in my face
till I'm...dead.

No, silly, that's Libya.

Well, whichever, but...

I-I can't help.
Please understand.

I understand.

I would do anything for you,
but he's insane.

No, it's okay.
Thank you for talking to me.

I mean, I...

He doesn't know you came here,
right?

No.

Have him come tomorrow night
when we're doing interviews,

and I'll talk to him
a little bit.

Maybe I can just say something
about not being jealous.

I don't think
he would come.

Oh, he'll come.

He's probably come now.
Did he follow you?

[INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS]

The fact of the matter is
women wanna be trusted.

It's that simple.

They want to be trusted.

Jealousy is unattractive.

It is?

Very.

May I change the subject?

Sure.

When did you first start
doing standup comedy?

A long time ago.
Probably before you were born.

You been on
The Tonight Show?

Yeah, a lot.

How do you know about
The Tonight Show?

I've seen it
on a satellite.

Yeah, I've been
on there a lot.

So...

tell me how the
American show business works.

If you do as badly on
The Tonight Show

as you did the other night,

are you banned
from the show business?

Are you still allowed
to be an entertainer?

First of all, I don't think
I did badly the other night.

And second of all,
you're not banned from anything.

It's a performance.

I just didn't know
if they punished you

when you did
badly at comedy.

No, you don't get
punished at comedy.

You know, in comedy
you try things.

Some work, some don't.

You're allowed to bomb.
It's not the end of the world.

Jesus.

Level three?

Level three.

Now, here's my big news:

I'm gonna do another
standup concert

here in New Delhi.

What, again?

That would be wonderful.

You want to go onstage again?

You bet. What's wrong with that?

I don't know.

Do you wanna
take that abuse?

That wasn't abuse.

They were actually a good crowd.

There were two fundamental
things that were wrong

that we can correct.

First of all,
the houselights were on.

Do you know
that diminishes like

95 percent of the laughter

when they can all
see themselves?

So we fix that dimmer, we're in.

Then we move the show
a little later.

The concierge was telling me

that the Indians
are like the Spaniards.

They don't even get going
till late at night.

Eight o'clock was too early.
Is that true?

Do the Indians love
staying up late?

Yeah, some Indians
will stay up late, I guess.

Okay, so that's it.

Two things and we're,
like, home free.

We gotta get out of here.

Hey, have a seat.
I'm telling them

about a new idea
I have for a show.

No, we really have to
get out of here.

I just hung up from
the American Embassy.

Something's going on.

They don't know what it is,

but they want all high-profile
people like yourself out.

"Out"

They want us to
leave the country.

I'm not leaving the country.

I'm here for a month.

I have a 500-page report
to write.

I've only been here
like two weeks.

I-I can't leave.

Washington will understand.
You've been here half the time.

I'm sure they'll accept
250 pages.

That's not the point.

MAYA:
Psst.

Four.

Four pages?

I'm fucked.

MARK: Yes, sir.
What?

Yes, sir.

I'll tell him.

MARK:
Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

That was the
American ambassador.

He's sorry about
cutting your trip short,

but it is
for your own safety.

And he wanted me to say
he hopes you enjoyed your stay.

Oh, he's now concerned
about my stay?

Where the hell has he been?

He was sick or something.
I don't know.

Okay. Well, I hope
he feels better,

but I'm not leaving New Delhi.

I don't work this way.

I don't write
little bits each day,

I gather and gather and gather.

And right now, I am
in the research process

and the gathering is happening.

Did you ever watch
a beaver build a dam?

A beaver doesn't build a dam
in a day.

He gathers all the wood

over weeks and weeks
and weeks,

and then one afternoon,
when you're not looking,

the dam's up.

It-- It's, like, all writers
work that way.

Tolstoy had thought about
War and Peace for 16 years

and wrote it
in the last two weeks.

And that's-- That's where
my report's coming from.

I'm in the gathering phase,

and you don't pull a guy
out of a gathering phase.

Do you know
what he's talking about?

I could go on. How do you think
the pyramids were built?

And I need more time
for my history research.

What kind of history research?

It's not important.

The point is,
we're staying here.

If you guys wanna leave,
that's fine.

But Maya and I will
finish up the project.

MARK:
Albert.

We're already booked
on the 12:30 flight tonight.

This is out of my control.

Get packed.

My medal.

What medal?

I'll write everything up.

We'll see.
Maybe we'll be surprised.

Also,

send your notes
to Los Angeles

and I'll have somebody
work on it there too.

Okay, I will.

Talk about
reverse outsourcing.

I've learned so much.
Thank you.

Here, give me a hug.

You're really a special person.

And try and work it out
with Mageed.

You know, he seems like
a nice guy.

He's just too critical.

Look through your notes again.

Maybe there are some pages
you might have lost.

Okay, have a safe trip.

Don't be afraid
to go further back in history.

I won't! Bye!

To my husband,
the Henry Kissinger of comedy.

ALL:
Hear, hear!

Listen, I don't know
what to say.

I'm thrilled to be back,

and it's really nice
to see everybody.

And this is a real surprise.

You deserve it.

Look, Mommy.

WOMAN: Look at that.

Oh, you look
gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

I love it.

Open the other one
on the dining room table.

That's yours too.

NEWS ANCHOR:
--more than 17,000 acres.

Firefighters say the blaze

is only 12 percent contained
at this time.

After almost two years
of relative peace

India and Pakistan
have resumed armed conflict.

Clashes have erupted
at various border crossings.

Troop buildups
are increasing on both sides.

The two countries,
both nuclear powers,

have gone on high alert.

I am so proud of you.

What you've done is monumental.

You might have
changed the world.

Oh, honey.

LAURA:
Look, Mommy!

The Taj Mahal.

Shake it up, honey.

[DICK VAN DYKE'S
"PUT ON A HAPPY FACE" PLAYING]

* Gray skies are gonna
Clear up *

* Put on a happy face *

* Brush off the clouds
And cheer up *

* Put on a happy face *

* Take off the gloomy mask
Of tragedy *

* It's not your style *

* You'll look so good
That you'll be glad *

* You decided to smile *

* Pick out a pleasant outlook *

* Stick out that noble chin *

* Wipe off that "full of doubt"
Look *

* Slap on a happy grin *

* And spread sunshine
All over the place *

* Just put on a happy face *

* Put on a happy face *

* Put on a happy face *

* And if you're feeling cross
And bickerish *

* Don't sit and whine *

* Think of banana splits
And licorice *

* And you'll feel fine *

* I knew a girl so gloomy *

* She'd never laugh or sing *

* She wouldn't listen to me *

* Now she's a mean old thing *

* So spread sunshine
All over the place *

* Just put on a happy face *

WOMAN:
Did you try
restarting the computer?

Well, restart it again.