Original subtitles

(Film reel flickering)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(Ringing music)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(vinyl record static)

(birds chirping)

(Jazz music)

(door bangs) - See, I have a rule

I keep it in a place in Reigate

which means if I wanna use it

I have to shine all the way down there to get it

which means I have time to consider

if I really wanna 'blam' whoever

- So a London is this?

- Notting Hill.

- Boy London look nice, seen.

- What a going on, Stephan?

- Him should be in the back.

- That's cool, man.

My cousin Curtis going back a Yard next week.

- Stevie,

if I could do something about it I would,

I promise.

But I can't think of anything.

(door pings)

- Here, listen, Max.

Don't be fucking off like last year with no fella.

We're going carnival together, yeah?

The rampage.

- Trust me.

It's gonna be boomin',

the lick.

Truly.

Smells phat for real.

- Yeah, should be ready in a minute.

- So Spear?

- What you want?

- You gonna let me drive your beemer whilst I here?

- (laughs) So you wanna for drive my beemer?

- Yes sir!

(laughs loudly)

- Bamba-clot!

If you ever touch one thing inside this car,

even the keys,

me kill ya.

Seen?

- Oi!

Have you laid that fucking table yet?

- I'm just finishing Stevie.

- Stop playing doctors and fucking nurses

and take this fucking rack in.

- And tell the guest I'm about to serve up.

Tell the fucking guest

his fucking breakfast is on the fucking table.

Fucking idiot.

- Cousin, you bring me powder?

- It's down my Calvin's, Claude.

- What the boys at the airport ask you, say?

Them ask ya where you come for?

- Yeah.

- What you tell them, sir?

- Me no, tell them the truth.

- Me tell them I here for carnival.

(laughs loudly)

- Rude bwoy!

(laughs)

(sponge splats)

- What do you say?

Nice.

(gun bangs)

(UK house style music)

- (sniffs) Hmm, smell them meaty slices.

- Bloody marvellous.

I've missed this.

I ain't had British bacon for months, captain.

- Sir been away, has he?

- Let's just say

I've been working abroad.

Keeping me mind off marital problems.

- Gentleman look at the sights round here, eh?

- Like I said, captain, I'm only down to see me doctor,

then I'm off.

- Knows the Notting Hill Carnival, round here,

starts today.

Eh, take that fucking smock off.

You're not at the supermarket today.

- But I like wearing it...

- Take it off! - D-

- No it's all right captain. He can leave it on, as he was.

Easy going, me, as he was.

- Ooh ooh.

You've made a friend for life there.

He'll be following you round

like a little kitten he will.

How many more fucking times?

Go and take him to the kitchen and feed him will you?

He makes me sick just looking at him.

- No, we've got to keep him involved.

That's what the woman said.

- Involved?

He don't know what's fucking going on.

- He does.

- Like a fucking nurse, I am.

- No it's me that looks after him.

- Uh, here he is,

hey, hey?

You only do it 'cause you feel guilty.

- No I don't.

I do it 'cause I want to.

- Guilt and shame.

The gentleman might be interested to know

that the man who did this to him,

beat him up over some bitch in an amusement arcade.

Kicking him, kicking him til he was unconscious

and he kept on kicking.

Made him thick.

Anyway, this fella.

Know how long he got?

Er eh, listen to this.

He got five years and only served 18 months.

18 fucking months.

Just got out.

- That's terrible.

Doesn't life rubbish ya?

- I'd like to do something about it.

- Yeah, you should.

You should do.

Get revenge.

(ominous music)

(fast-paced jazz music)

- You stay here on guard duty.

- Mum, can I have some orange?

- No you fucking well can't,

you keep pissing yourself.

- I'm thirsty.

- Jason, will you just fuck off in there, please!

Mummy's trying to talk.

Will you just go.

Cor,

never have a fucking chubb.

- No, man.

I want kids before I'm old rude girl.

Before I'm 20.

(fast-paced jazz music)

(indistinct crowd chatter)

- [Man] I'll speak to you later, yeah.

- Bloody Londoners, eh?

Here you are.

Sniff that.

Blooming heaven.

Milky Buttons.

Can't get these out there you know.

Well come on then, dish up.

- It's a lot of money just for a gun though, innit Smiggy?

- Now what you gotta remember, and it's important this,

it is not a gun.

- I thought we're going shopping for a gun Smiggy?

- Handgun, sidearm, smallarm, weapon, yes.

A gun.

No. We don't use that word, remember that.

What don't we use?

- A gun.

- Good lad.

Yeah.

(fast-paced jazz music)

- Smiggy?

You said that violence makes you sick.

- Sicken-ns me, sickens me

yes, violence does sicken me,

i.e., I hate violence.

That's why I'm gonna use a gun, fathead.

- Lot of money though, innit Smiggy?

Lot of money.

- Now look.

If we pay peanuts we'll get monkeys.

Remember, I've not got me hand out for handouts.

I'm helping you out on principal,

morals.

It's awful what that nutter did.

And if we're gonna get him back

we'll need that 600, get some decent kit.

Well come on then, hand it over.

- Smiggy.

Took me ages to save this.

Stacking shelves even on me days off.

You won't just wick off with it, will ya?

- What's the capital of Abyssinia?

Oh no no no no no no, hold on. Got it arse back'ards.

What's the capital of Addis Ababa?

- Erm, don't know.

- Abyssinia, what is it?

- Don't know.

- Fucking hell, Abyssinia.

What is it? - Abyssinia.

- Yes and I'll be seeing you too.

- (laughs) I'm only joking, son.

During this carnival thingy today

we'll get this nutter.

- [Maxine] So what?

Darrel hasn't mashed up anybody big-time yet?

- [Julie] Nah.

It's untrue.

Prison's definitely done something to him.

(mobile phone rings)

(laughs)

- All right, Ace Jace?

- I don't like Darrel.

(microwave pings)

- Ah

shit.

Oh shit.

Fuck.

Shit.

Maxine?

Oh fuck shit, Max I've burnt the gear.

- You've done it too long, Julie man.

You're only meant to soften it.

Slackness.

- Max, he's gonna fucking kill me.

He's got this Neville geezer, dealer geezer

coming over today

to pass it over for the fucking carnival.

Erm, Jase?

Tell Darrel mummy's gone round Maxine's,

all right?

- No don't tell him that because he'll tell Darrel

and I don't want no madman coming round mine all vex up.

- Look Jase, just tell Darrel mummy's gone out

and you don't know where, all right?

- I wanna come.

- No you can't come darling.

You've got to stay here and let him in.

- Please.

- No!

Just do as you're fucking told.

- No, please let me come.

- Jason.

Have some orange juice.

Do what you fucking want. I ain't got time for this.

Come on Max.

- See you later Jase.

Be a good boy for mummy, yeah?

- Kalashnikov.

Ah,

I drink much vodka.

I tell you what Mr. Alladin,

I used to love using these clearing stairs and doing.

- Big, innit Smigs?

- Yeah, they're using a lot of these out there.

Isn't that right Mr. Alladin?

Yeah.

Well, trouble is,

you don't clean one of these properly

it'll blow up in your face.

You'd back me up on that, hey, Mr. A?

Yeah, happened to a Serb I were with.

Phew, did I half smell bad after.

Absolutely minging, Emperor Ming he was.

So remember, you've always to clean your weapon.

What you got to remember?

- To always clean my weapon.

What's he smell like Smigs?

- Aw, kinda like,

like cheese and poo mixed.

Ah,

little snubby fucker.

Here you are.

Cop hold of that.

- Cor, weighs a tonne Smiggy.

- Hark at the lad.

I used to tab 100 miles a day yomping a GPMG and full kit.

Kids today eh Mr. Alladin.

- You're back early doors.

- Yeah, I think I bust an eardrum.

Back to see me doctor.

Gonna see him after this.

Ex-army bloke.

A posh job an' all.

Harley Street.

- Haven't a clue,

not a fucking clue, have ya?

- Mr. Alladin, it weren't my fault.

I was too close to a salvo.

A nasty whistly one.

- So you've come home 'cause you got earache?

- Well it hurt.

- Looks good, don't it?

- Yeah decommissioned 600

and I'll put the pin back in for another 100.

- Mr Alladin,

I do know how to put a pin back in, I'm army trained.

- Army trained shit.

You were dismissed, ineptitude.

- Yeah only 'cause of me missus

playing me up all the while. Lying and doing.

- Ineptitude and being a fucker-upper.

- Well yeah but

I'm a soldier of fortune now.

- Soldier of fortune shit.

You've only been in the Balkans game three weeks.

Hardly all razors are you?

You wouldn't last five minutes in the Sudan or Ghana.

- I would, I were in Falklands.

- Fucking Falklands my arse.

- Fucking Falklands fucking what.

- You down south?

Fuck off.

- Fucking what, fucking Falklands.

Fucking tell him.

- He fucking was.

He fucking told me, defo.

- I'm weapons trained Mr. A.

I do know how to put a pin back in.

- All right, 600 then.

- Fifty.

Hundred.

Hundred and fifty.

Two hundred.

Two fif...

Two fifty.

There's only 250 here.

- I know.

- You're meant to get out 600.

- I know.

- Excuse me Mr. Alladin.

Where's the 600?

- I'm only allowed to take out 250 a day, Smigs.

- Are you trying to show us up

in front of Mr. Alladin

'cause if we're not careful

he'll think he's dealing with a couple of idiots.

- Well can't we give the mister that

and give him the rest later?

- Won't be a tick Mr. A.

- We can't do that porridgehead.

That's Mr. Alladin.

- Actually you can you know Smigs.

Know that video recorder that's in my bedroom?

- No, I don't go into people's bedrooms.

- Well I only paid 50 pounds first of all.

I took it home

and I pay six pounds a month for the rest.

- You taking the piss?

- No, I've nearly paid for it all.

I got it to video Stevie's football on

'cause dad won't let me use his.

- What you mean I could get one of them one-on-one-on-ones?

One of them portable phone things I fancy?

Hey, all the Londoners have got hem, ain't they?

Pay as you earn.

Posh stuff.

(trains and aeroplanes whizz)

- [Mr. Alladin] You're quite finished, ladies.

- Is this for the carnival?

- No. - Yes.

No.

- Hold on.

- Smiggy?

Why is he called Alladin?

(metal whoosh and clang)

- Don't know.

- Oh.

- I'll let you have that for 250.

- It's a bit chad Mr. A.

- Look you'll get fuck shit brand spanking for rubble.

- Yeah.

It'll do the job I suppose.

What do you reckon?

- Yeah.

Metal.

- Two fifty and I'll put the pin back in for another 50.

- I told ya I'm weapons trained Mr. A.

- It's Spanish.

It's a cunt.

If it's not done properly

you'll jam the mechanism when you come to discharge.

- Yeah, I know.

Look,

I can strip a Kalashnikov in the dark in 30 seconds.

I'm not gonna pay someone to have a pin put back in.

- Thirty seconds?

- Yeah, 30 seconds.

- Or less.

- You strip that in 30 seconds or less

and I'll put the pin back in for bucksheesh.

- Yeah go on, show him Smigs.

- Yeah, okay.

Yeah I will.

I will son.

- This will be interesting.

Thirty seconds or less.

In the dark. - What in the dark?

- In the dark.

After three.

One.

Two.

Three.

(tense music)

(doorbell rings)

- Nev, you have my absolute personal guarantee

there's nothing wrong with that gear.

- Listen yeah?

I'll come round later.

Check you're okay an' ting.

You know, I go carnival.

Look don't fret rude girl.

The ghee will revive it up little bit still.

Well the bits that ain't too burnt.

Look just rub it in, yeah?

It'll come good, trust me.

I'm your girl, man.

- See you later.

- Aye, later on.

(drum and bass style music)

- Claude.

- What now?

- Me forget me strap.

- You lie?

- Me forget, me leave it at the beemer.

- Jackass. - Go for it, the man.

- Yeah.

- And step up lively man. - Yeah.

- Allow him, bwoy jet-lag.

(plastic crinkling)

- Put it in your pocket.

(indistinct crowd chatter)

(crowd cheers)

- This weapon has a hairpin trigger.

Could go off.

- Is it loaded then Smigs?

- See what you got to do

is use your instinct to feel

whether a weapon's loaded or not.

Do you wanna hold it?

- Yes.

Yes please.

- Now

note how I'm passing you the weapon,

business end towards myself.

- Look Stevie,

we're gonna shoot him with this.

- No, look, how many more times son?

It's just me that's going.

- Oh Smigs, let me come.

I've got to prove I'm not scared.

Look him in the face.

- Will you just pass the weapon back a minute please?

- Oh I've only just got my turn.

- Just pass it back a minute

I wanna show you something.

- Will you pass it back afterwards?

- Oh yes.

Just pass it here.

(exhales)

Now what did I just tell you?

Remember now, when I just passed you the firearm?

I gave it to you handgrip facing.

- Oh yeah.

- What are you gonna show me Smiggy?

- Now.

One thing we never do,

ever,

is point a weapon, loaded or not,

at a fellow soldier.

Ever!

Are you listening?

That's one thing you never do, you never do that.

Ever!

Is that clear?

Well can I get on then?

I'm not briefing you like that.

- What's the point of you teaching me

if I'm not going?

- This is the barrel where ammunition is discharged.

- I kn- - Rounds.

Not bullets.

Rounds. - I kn-

- Wipe that smirk off your face.

- I'm no- - Discharge to dispatch,

not aim to maim like some nutters, yeah?

I'll be working bayonet distance.

I'll probably not even be going...

Wipe that smirk off your face.

Sorry, is there something funny?

- Oh it's quite scary in't it?

Is it loaded?

- What's your instinct telling you?

- Don't know.

- Now go on.

I'm interested.

See I can tell just by feeling,

just by holding,

sometimes just be looking at a weapon.

Go on, get in touch with your instinct.

What's it telling you?

- Err that it's not loaded.

- You sure?

Positive?

Shall we see?

- I don't know.

(tense music)

(gun clicks)

- He's now got to see some Manch geezer

for more blow for the carnival now 'cause of you!

- I didn't fucking burn it!

It must've been him.

Fucking about with it.

I don't like liars in this house!

- I didn't do anything!

- Oh piss off out to the carnival why don't you.

- Oi! - See if you piss yourself.

- Are you playing pass the cunt with me or what?

He wouldn't even be able to reach the fucking microwave!

- Well maybe he stood on a chair or something.

- Come here. - Darrel, look.

You'd think this fella would be happy.

Chucking him some Bronson should sort it.

- You know nothing.

Look,

that snarf is pure.

It's silver fucking leaf.

You thieved that from some serious fucking people.

From Yardies.

(laughs)

(lady crying)

- Hey.

Shut it.

(gun bangs)

(body thuds) (lady screaming)

(gun bangs)

(mobile phone rings)

- Spear.

Me can answer that?

- Yeah?

Hey, what's happening?

Yeah.

No, everyting all right?

Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen listen, I- I can't talk to you now yeah.

Check me at the carnival.

All right baby.

Yeah.

Me too (kisses).

(gun cocks)

(gun bangs)

- Are you sure they didn't see you do it?

- Don't get para Darrel.

Can hardly get a pitch up at the door, are they?

- I'm on parole.

Any fucking trouble I'm straight fucking back.

- Look, let's just get fucked-up and go carnival.

- No.

- Go on.

I'll get all minxy. - No.

- Suit yourself!

Fuck's sake.

- We've got to get rid of it.

Maybe Nev'll take it off our hands all in one go.

Fucking hell.

This could put me straight fucking back.

- Here, come here babe.

- Don't.

- Just touching.

- I know, don't.

- I'm showing affection.

We are engaged.

- Yeah I know.

- You're fucking gorgeous, you are.

- Look don't.

It's daytime.

- Go on, touch it.

Go on, touch it.

- No.

- I'll put the purples on for you.

What is the matter with you, hey!

You ain't been anywhere near me since you got out!

I mean, what did they do to you in there?

- Nothing, what do you mean?

- You've changed.

- No I haven't.

- Well go on then.

Suck my spangle.

- Look, give me a chance.

I've just spent a year and a half

surrounded by fucking geezers.

- Well lucky you.

- Look.

I just need time to adjust.

- I'll do it to you first.

Hmm?

Go on,

you can spoff on my mooey.

Huh?

- Nah, I'm okay.

- Go on.

Yeah?

- I'm gonna do fucking murders in a minute

if that's what you want.

- You fucking cunt!

- Hands off me Cheese Puffs.

(phone dialling tone) Think of a name.

Any name.

- Erm, Gareth Barry.

- Gareth Barry?

Hey.

- Darrel Pridmore?

Yeah, this is err...

- Gareth Barry.

- Gareth Barry speaking.

(phone dial tone) - Yep, that were him.

He's in.

Right rapid reaction force.

Have I got everything?

A to Z, check.

Firearm, check.

Eardrops, check.

- I'll come with you, hold your coat.

- No I'm sorry but look,

you have to leave it up to the experts now,

i.e., you can't just try this stuff at home.

And whatever you do don't put the receiver back because

his line is still connected to this line

which means he can't ring out if anything goes wrong.

- What might go wrong? - Nothing'll go wrong.

Who do you think I am?

- Do you know anybody called Gareth Barry?

- No. - Think, it's important.

Gareth Barry.

- No, I have never heard of him.

Who is he?

- No-one, it doesn't matter.

- I thought you just said it was important?

- It's all right, it doesn't matter.

- Well who is he?

- Nobo-, nothing, nobody.

Fuck's sake! - Oh fuck ya then!

I thought you said it was this Neville

that was pitching up anyway?

- It is.

(Jamaican steel drum music)

- Bamba-clot.

- Jackass.

- Me sorry Claude.

Nobody get too vex.

- Ey.

Stay here.

You always cause bamba-clot problem with the programme.

Stay here.

(helicopter chopping) (bombs exploding)

(Carnival style music)

(bombs explode)

- Well what's he look like?

- White, I don't know.

- What, ugly?

Good-looking, ugly, what? - How am I supposed to know?

I'm a fucking geezer.

- Well you can still say another geezer's good-looking

without being bent.

- Apparently he's always got women around him, all right!

- He would do, wouldn't he darling? He's a drug dealer.

Look what else?

So I know it's him.

- He carries a gun.

All right?

- Really.

- Please don't cut Stevie's hair dad.

- He looks stupid.

What the fuck does he care, hey,

He's fucking retarded (laughs).

- And stop wearing his tops.

- He's got plenty of them.

- Ste wouldn't let you cut it if he could speak.

- And whose fault's that then eh?

- I didn't kick him in the head.

- But you were there.

Did nothing.

Stood with the amusements, amusing yourself.

You're a coward.

- No I'm not. - Hey,

why didn't you help him out then?

- Because.

'Cause I was turquoise ballooning him.

- Turquoise ballooning him?

You were frit shit.

You didn't even go to the court to hear the verdict,

'cause you were afraid of him seeing your face.

You didn't even,

you didn't even look him in the face

tell him what you thought of him.

But I did it, I did.

I went.

For our Stevie but you,

Dame fucking Blanche, you didn't.

A real brother,

a real brother he woulda looked him in the face

and told him what he thought of him.

You didn't, did you?

Fucking ashamed of you I am.

(indistinct crowd chatter)

(helicopter chopping)

(mobile phone rings)

- Yeah yeah? - Excuse me.

Is this your car, sir?

(Carnival style music)

- Me soon come.

Eh, eh?

I'm five minutes be later.

I was talking to my bredren. - I'll give you one second sir

to move the car or I'll give you a ticket.

- Chill-out geezer it's the carnival man.

- Oi, oi.

Hey, I see a bamba, hey. Move. - I didn't do nothing

in the car I didn't

do nothing. - Watch me.

Move along,

move, move!

Ya pussy.

(car tyres screeching)

(mobile phone ringing)

- Hey-up.

It's a one-on-one-on-one.

(UK style drum and bass music)

(door creaks)

(tense music)

(doorbell rings)

(gun cocks)

- Well come on then.

- Darrel?

Darell Pridmore?

- He's not here.

He should be back soon though.

It's not even laid out yet.

Do you want a drink?

- Erm.

Yeah, I'd love a cup of tea, love. Yeah please.

- Tea?

- Yeah whatever wets you're making.

- (laughs) Okay.

Make yourself at home.

Oh shit.

(UK style drum and bass music)

Will orange juice do ya?

- Yeah, grand.

- Cor, I bet it's a killer out there innit?

- What, out where?

- The carnival.

Is it all kicking off?

- Oh.

Yeah.

- I'll go and lay some out for you.

Won't be a tick.

- Mm.

- Darrel told me you'd turn up with a gun on you.

- I'm not sure if me eardrops are working properly.

Could you just repeat what you just said please.

I've got a dicky ear.

- Yeah, he just said, you know,

don't freak if Nev brings

his gun with him. - Who?

- You? - Me?

- Yes you. - What's he say I was called?

- Nev.

- Nev, Nev?

Ooh.

I get it.

Yeah.

I'm Nev.

Yeah.

Nev as in Neville.

All names again, ain't it?

- You're funny you are Neville.

- Listen, what time's I meant to be here?

- Not for another 15 minutes.

Don't matter though, innit?

I can show you what you're interested in.

And believe you me,

you're gonna be very interested in this.

It's ugly stuff.

Pure, swear.

- So what time is Darrel gonna back?

- Should've been back before you arrived.

- What, so i.e. any time now?

- Yeah.

All right then. (metal clangs)

There you go.

Have a bugle, see what you think.

It's right proper barley.

Massive comedown.

Real street sadness I swear.

- But he's back soon?

- Yeah.

Well go on then.

Couple of liftoffs for you there.

Darrel said you'd err,

you'd wanna sample it.

(laughs)

You're mental you are.

You know,

have a snoot, see what you think.

Well go on.

It's kriss. - Erm.

Okay, hey.

After you, ladies first.

- (laughs) Manners an' all.

You're getting quite a high score here geezer.

Very,

very impressive.

(snorts)

Whack as she smacks her dog called Trudy!

Well go on.

- What, up me nose?

- (laughs) Yes.

You're mental.

Go on, it's kriss.

(snorting)

(gong rings)

Well?

Plugged in?

It's got a great zing to it, ain't it?

(tense music)

- Lemony.

Lemon flavoured.

- May I?

- It is yours, ain't it?

Your dib-dab.

- Well,

it gets you there, innit.

- Where?

- There.

- What, here?

- Nice days.

(farts loudly)

- Were that me?

- Yeah.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Weird.

Soz, it just smiled out.

- Told you it was good gear, didn't I?

Niffs a bit, didn't it?

- Eh that's so deaf folk can enjoy it and all.

(sniffs) Yeah yeah,

yeah it is a bit dinnerish.

- You gonna show me your gun then?

- Weapon please, not gun.

Weapon.

- Okay.

I want you

to show me

your weapon.

Got all the equipment, innit?

- Yeah, I found it at the carnival.

- It's warm.

- It's been in me pocket.

See where you're touching it now?

- Yeah.

- Well that's a barrel,

where ammunition is discharged.

(exhales)

Don't go near trigger.

Could go off.

- Is it loaded?

- Oh yeah.

There's already one up spout.

You do that when you know you're gonna get engagement.

- Can I hold it?

- Only if you steer clear of the trigger

'cause it's hairpin sensitive

and I do not wanna be

getting negligent discharge in a field.

Do you promise?

- Cross my heart and hope to.

- All right. - Uh.

- But, you give me your gentleman's yes?

- (sighs) Oh fuck me.

I tell you what,

no-one would fuck about with you if you had one of these.

And it's loaded?

Aah, I'm off my fucking trumpet,

I swear. (machine gun rips)

(doorbell rings)

It's Darrel,

just let me show him.

Just let me scare him with it.

- Pass me back the weapon please.

- No, no, no, no, I know, I know,

you open the door and I'll just stand there

and point it at him!

Just to see his face!

- Pass me back the weapon it's hairpin trigger.

- Oh I won't touch the trigger truly Nev.

- Now come on look,

you just promised. - Aww please.

Go on Nev.

- You promised, you gave me you word.

I believed you.

- Oh come on Nev it'll be a laugh.

- As a man I trusted you as a woman

giving me her gentleman's.

- Oh come on Nev it'll be funny.

- Give it back. - No.

- It's a hairpin trigger. - Please?

(skulls crash)

- Bleddy women and their bleddy promises,

every bleddy time, ain't it?

(doorbell rings)

- What would sir like?

Short back and side sir, hey?

That's very wise,

very wise choice sir.

I can cut hair.

Can't I, see?

There you go.

Here the trick is,

the trick of cutting,

is that you've got to get one side

the same as the other, see?

That's the trick.

Look at that, eh?

Looks good doesn't it eh?

There's nothing wrong with my trims.

I trim me own.

Home trims.

He's a mummy's boy, ain't he eh?

Fucking little mummy's boy.

Ain't you, eh, eh?

You your dad's lad aren't you?

(skin rips) (stunted scream)

- Oh.

I'm sorry Steven.

You, you, you've cut your ear.

(cries) I'm s- s-

I'm sorry son.

I'm sorry, so sorry, sorry, it's only,

it's only a little nick.

It'll mend.

It's nothing serious, I'm sorry.

(UK hip hop style music)

- Oh shit.

- Listen love.

I think it's best if you stay put, in here,

in the neutral zone,

while me and Darrel go about our business.

- Darrel?

Darrel?

I ain't fucking got time for this.

Darrel?

Aw fucking hell.

(mobile phone rings)

Hello?

(Rap style music)

- Hey!

You see if you wasn't me cousin

I'd put a shot right in-a ya face.

Pussy.

Just up there sa.

- I really feel like I'm on the brink of something.

I really feel like something exciting's gonna happen.

It is.

It is.

I can feel it.

- I want to help Smigs,

prove I'm not scared.

'Cause that's what friends do, isn't it?

They help each other.

Are we a friend?

- Oi, Darrel,

cunt!

Come in here!

- You heard the gob on it, foul-mouthed she is.

- Cunt!

- No, now look I'm sorry

but I'm gonna have to gag the missus.

I'm not putting up with that kind of language from a woman.

- I just wanna look him in the face,

with my eyes,

and tell him what I think about him (gags).

- Listen mate,

listen. - Look I'm sorry love but

you're gonna have to keep it down.

- Yeah sweet mate,

but I ain't finished paying for these bedsheets yet.

Darrel!

He's ripping up my bedsheets!

- Hey, I tell you what,

that dib-dab,

I reckon it's made my hearing better.

Is it all right if I have some more?

- Listen wanker.

Go and get cunt and let's get on with it, hey?

'Cause I really wanna go carnival, yeah?

Oh, a d-

(Reggae style music)

(phone engaged tone)

- Her, old mardy bum.

She were a bit stingy with it before.

See,

instead of dabbing it with a liquorice stick,

you sniff it.

Go on, have some.

- No, it's bad for your teeth.

Makes them yellow.

Me mum says.

- Well go on.

It uh,

tastes like

smell of dead ants.

Yeah it's quite pleasant, go on.

(snorts)

(doorbell rings)

Quick, into the neutral zone.

Keep an eye on the missus.

Oi.

Keep your plumage down.

- Um,

who the fuck are you?

- Erm,

he told me that I had to come in here.

- Darrel!

- Come on, fuck that brother.

What is this, security?

- Oh

hello,

what's this then?

- He knows I'm carrying it.

- Don't turn around, flash monkey.

- Oh come on, don't take it for fuck's sake,

giving it the mint.

- All right shirty.

Just looking.

- I don't believe this, I'm here to do flavours.

- Hand's against the wall

and don't turn around.

- How about you put that back

and I decide whether take this personal or not.

- Hey.

We like the good stuff don't we.

All singing all dancing this one.

Posh stuff.

Are you seeing what I'm having to use?

Hey, you turn round when I'm speaking to you,

you bad mannered sod.

- So who are you then?

- Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't ya?

Me telling you me name.

On mission I never give away me particulars.

- [Philip] Smiggy?

Smiggy?

What's happening?

- So jailbird has you take my piece

and still seriously expects me to QC his cuff?

Face the Doris up out here.

- You bloody Londoners speak bloody weird, all on ya.

Oi!

Come on then Noddy, let's have you out

if you wanna do your face-to-face-thing thingy.

Just wants to say something to ya.

- And I've got something to say

to the spit-meth bitch an' all.

- Hold on.

Hey, it's like chess this ain't it?

I'm like a big castle.

- Is he coming out or what?

- Oi, come out here, there's folk waiting.

- No.

- Do I have to come and fetch ya?

- Don't know.

- Blooming hell.

Will you stay there whilst I fetch the lad out?

- Listen up.

Just give me back the piece

and the barley he owes me

and I'll shine.

- Look, will you stay there

or I'll have to shoot ya.

- Brother,

whatever you need to do to feel like a man.

(gun bangs)

(Neville screams)

- Come on, what's up?

What's up with ya?

Come on monkey, say your thing.

- But you've already shot him now.

- No I haven't.

- Yes you have, I heard you.

- Only wounded him, have him stay put.

Come on, say your face-to-face whatnot.

- Can I have a few minutes to get ready to say it?

- Now look.

You don't want him to see me dragging you through, do ya?

Now you're gonna have to go through one way or the other.

It's up to you.

It's your choice.

- All right, I'll come out.

- There.

Good lad.

All right there brigadier?

Well come on then young'un.

- [Neville] Fuck.

Fuck it.

- Well come on, quickly,

say your thing, he's in pain.

Double sharp.

It's not humane.

- God.

Jesus Christ!

- Well are you gonna say your bits and pieces or what?

Can I get on?

I thought there's words as well as pictures, maestro.

Oh well.

- No! - That's not him.

- What?

- That's not Darrel, that's not him.

- I'm not him.

I'm not fucking him.

- Well who is he then?

- Don't know. - Nev.

- It's Nev.

- Ah!

I got it!

Nev as in Neville.

Here, look.

I know what's happened.

I'm meant to be you.

- Smiggy, what you gonna do?

He needs to get to the hospital.

- Yeah looks, er, looks er quite nasty

what you got there Nev.

It's a knee injury.

You have to see my doctor Nev.

Oh he's good, look,

he gave me these.

For me ear.

- Just got to stop the fucking pain.

- Where's me phone?

Look, have you seen me phone?

- Dunno. - You know,

the one I found at the carnival.

Look, there's a comrade in pain here.

Just, hang on in there yeah?

Hang on in there yeah?

You ever put something down

and just forgotten where you put it?

Where'd I put it?

(gun bangs)

- Where is it?

And don't lie,

hey?

Fucking moreish this.

- Here.

Listen.

I'll be back in five minutes.

It's just up there, son.

I'm gonna let ya drive. - Yeah?

- Be back in five minutes.

- Yes sir.

- Hey, if anything happen to me car

me I go kill ya.

Seen?

Seen? - Yeah.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Ya cool man, ya cool.

(car engine revs)

- Like when me and my missus were courting,

and I only joined the army to impress her.

Purely for her own good like.

So she could feel proud about it and brag about it.

And what happened?

I come back early one weekend after field manoeuvres,

find all types of bitchery going on,

and not just kitchen bitchery neither.

(doorbell rings)

What were that?

- The door.

(doorbell rings)

You are a nasty lady.

A very

nasty

lady.

- What do you want?

- My mobile.

My phone. - Come again captain?

- I call a phone.

I lost it at the carnival.

- Yeah!

Not laughing now, are you?

Bloody cow.

- What do you want?

-a mobile, a lady

she give me this address.

And she say I must come and pick it up.

- Oh she did, did she?

Hold on.

- [Smiggy] Listen love, whose side you on?

I don't know where you come from

but in my battalion it's finders keepers.

Honestly.

- Ey bwoy.

Come open the blood-clot door.

- Not today thank you.

- Ey, ey bwoy.

A-wha ya do, ey?

Wha ya do?

It's my business phone.

- Retreat or I'll call the relevant peacekeepers.

- Well me no left until me get me phone.

All right.

(door thuds)

(grunts)

- Bluff on ya, grey man.

- [Philip] Oww! - [Julie] Help!

I'm in here! - Ah.

That fucking woman.

- I'm in here!

Help!

Shit.

Fuck shit.

Aww!

(gun bangs)

(gun bangs)

(cries)

(gun cocks)

- Come on baby.

Where you going?

Where you going?

Hey lovely, what you doing this evening?

Anything?

(crash) Oh shit.

- You tied them strips properly?

- Yes, we're friends.

I like his trainers, don't you, Smigs?

- I.e. I don't have to check they're tight enough?

- No, they're dead tight.

- Right.

Now.

Well that'll do ya.

Bring the other captive over.

Now look.

Oi, oi.

And we want them facing each other for this.

They need to be in close proximity to each other,

i.e.,

close enough to touch each other.

- Smigs.

He's woke up now.

- Well go on then, he ain't Dracula.

He ain't gonna bite ya.

- What?

Him? - Yeah.

Him.

You daft kipper.

What's up, you scared?

- No.

- What's the matter?

- He's too heavy, I can't do it.

- You're showing yourself up you know.

He is, isn't he?

- No I'm not.

- Well go on then, get him shifted.

- I can't.

- Take the T off the word can't,

what're you left with?

- Don't know.

- No go on, it's words.

Take the letter T off the word can't,

what's the new word?

Go on, take the T off.

What's the new word, say it.

- From can't? - Yeah.

- Car'n.

Car'n.

- No, take the letter T off the word can't

you've got can,

I can, I can move him

so don't tell me you bloody well can't!

- I can't.

- You know you're really

shortening my tail feathers here fella.

You're really showing us up in front of these folk.

- No I'm not.

I'm friends, defo.

- How long you been doing your job, pal?

- Erm, about four years.

- Well there you are then.

You been stacking for four years,

give it some welly. - No, I-

I've not been stacking for four years Smigs.

I was on trolley recovery first.

Then checkout assistance.

Then I got on to stacking.

Actually, it's not called stacking.

It's called shelf rotation.

Not stacking.

Actually.

It's not the proper word.

- Use your rotating muscles then.

- But I don't rotate black people, Smigs.

Just foodstuffs.

Households sometimes.

- Look!

Can't you just jog and jiggle him across like that!

Well go on then.

See this is all I'm trying to do

to teach the lad to fend for himself.

- Yeah, look, it works.

I can do it!

- That's it.

Keep it coming.

You got plenty of room.

Don't tickle it, give it some oomph.

- Oh. (body thuds)

- Can't trust you with anything, can I?

Get over here, let dog see rabbit.

Go on.

Don't know why I bother.

Really don't know, really don't.

- I did her, I moved her.

- Aww, about your barrel that is, innit,

shifting women about?

(body thuds)

Well go on, standing there.

Get him shifted!

There.

As you were.

Now look, do you think you can manage the last bit?

I mean I'm gonna make these two do things to each other

for your entertainment and all you know.

Now look.

I want them facing each other about

a foot apart.

As you were.

(body thuds)

(phone engaged tone)

- Where this man now?

Blood clot.

(snorts)

- Okey-kokey Karaokey.

Now you're both gonna need a hand free for this

'cause you both are gonna get a turn.

Now then, now then, guys and gals,

which hand do you normally wank with?

One nod for yes if, as I suspect,

that you're right-handed wankers.

Well don't be embarrassed, we all do it if truth be known.

Oh come on, look,

don't expect me to accept that you both use your left.

I simply will not believe you.

Aye-up.

I suppose she's making out that she doesn't?

Hey, she needn't come that.

She needn't start pretending 'cause I know women,

they say they don't but they do, they do.

I know.

- Do they?

What, women?

Do they?

- (laughs) Do they?

I'll say.

My missus, ex-missus, she was just the same.

Said she didn't but she did.

I know she did, she did, she did do.

So come on, what is it?

I bet it's a right-hand wank.

Okay, untie the lady's left hand

'cause we don't want her too handy with it, see?

We don't want her too nimble.

- Just her hand, not his? - Yeah just for the mo'.

Don't worry, they'll both get a turn.

- W- With each other?

- Uh yeah, of course.

- God.

(UK style hip hop music)

(bullets clang)

(gun cocks)

- Now.

When your hand is untied

I want you to very slowly pick up the weapon

and put it under your chin here.

Not like this.

That's wrong.

This is the proper way.

Like that.

Just like that.

And then it's your turn.

- Why you making them do that Smiggy?

- Well it's what I've see them doing with prisoners abroad.

"The Deerhunter".

- What's that?

- "The Deerhunter"?

Oh don't tell me you ain't see it.

- Don't know, what is it?

- Do you believe this jester?

Robert De Niro

comes back from Vietnam because he's an ex-vet?

And 'cause the war's wankered him up

he can't shoot reindeer no more?

PTSD, all that ugey-flugey?

Aww look, just untie his left hand.

Go on.

(gun cocks)

Here you are.

I suppose you've never heard of De Niro, have you?

- No, I have.

- You lying?

- No.

- You talking to me?

- What, I've done it, look.

- I said, are you talking to me?

- Erm, yeah I am, yeah.

- Come here a minute.

Are you taking the piss?

You sure?

What was that about?

- I didn't know.

Yeah,

no.

(gun clicks) (Julie screams)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

yes.

Ah,

see it's hard with your left hand, ain't it, hey?

See, I do the cocking between turns,

i.e. minimising any attempt at cheating.

Clever ain't it?

Untie her left hand.

Hey, and you've taken a wrong turning somewhere pal.

You're supposed to point it at yourself,

not your partner.

It's still your turn.

You didn't do it properly.

("Who let the dogs out")

- Where that bwoy?

(gun cocks)

- Now.

Slowly pick up the weapon

and put it under your chin.

There.

That's the fella.

Now,

when you're ready,

slowly squeeze the trigger.

(Julie cries)

Go on.

Remember the odds are on your side.

you'll have four in five chance

of going through to the next round,

she'll only have three in four.

- Yeah and she won't be laughing then, will she Smiggy?

- Hush.

We're concentrating.

Go on, just leap in.

It's what all the best players abroad do.

Don't think about it, it's the only way.

And remember,

the head honcho survives.

They have my gentleman's.

(gun bangs) (Julie screams and cries)

- It's fucking stupid that is, ain't it?

First fucking go.

- [Julie] No.

Where are you going?

(Julie cries)

- Claude?

Claude?

- Is this wot-sit-chops?

Erm, can I help the gentleman at all?

This is a private function.

- Spear.

Where da Spear?

- Now hold on fella.

Let's just, er, you know,

check in with HQ before we start

throwing double sixes and whatnot

because it's been like the thrup'nny rush in here

all afternoon.

- What ya chat say?

- Look you've obviously got the wrong flat.

I know, it's easy done.

Nearly did it me-self. I know, they all look the same,

like my mum's estate.

So if you, and your girlfriend wouldn't mind...

- Spear?

- Look, come on, let's have you out.

- Him lost him phone.

Him come for collect him phone, seen?

- Oh!

You mean the chappy

that popped round for the phone thingy.

You don't half keep some strange company.

Well, let me tell you, chap.

This Mr. Claude Spear, well he only...

Well, you've probably seen that the lock's broken.

He done that.

The lady of the house

will have to get a new one now because,

well, he only broke down her bloody door,

which actually,

while we're on it,

knocked me down to the floor

whereupon he proceeded to kick me about the person.

He then only set about chasing the lady of the house

whilst utilising his weapon in a manner

that can only be described as altogether brandish.

So if you're referring to that particular gentleman

then, yeah, I do know who you mean.

- Me na chat na foolishness ya know.

Me will shoot her.

- You ain't gonna shoot her, young man.

- What?

- And I'll tell you why.

'Cause that weapon,

that weapon ain't loaded.

See, I can tell.

Instinct compounded by years of experience.

Yeah.

What do you reckon?

Loaded or not loaded?

Getting the hang of it yet?

- Yeah.

Erm.

Not loaded.

- You no think this thing here not loaded?

- It ain't loaded.

Cloth-ears.

- You want me to show you, ya pussy?

- What, with an empty chamber?

Hay, I-I'd like to see him try.

Well go on then, give us a twirl Anthea.

It ain't loaded.

(gun bangs)

- Is, err, this Mr. Claude Spear?

In the spare bedroom.

(gun bangs)

(UK style reggae music)

- Yeah, knows his onions the lad does.

Yeah,

it is loaded.

- How much did that cost?

- Keep her coming.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

whoa, calm it.

Set her down.

There.

Go and get that dib-dab.

Now I'm sorry,

I know he's a pal of yours,

but that's a young hot-head there

running around willy-nilly with a firearm.

You done half hang around with some weirdos.

It's not only stupid,

it's dangerous.

See, your trouble is,

you're too hospitable.

You're an open house.

Folk will take advantage.

It's human nature.

I'm sorry, it's sad, but there it is.

No, not that, fathead, the sherbet.

Now,

I know who the chap is in the back room.

That's Claude.

Chappy there,

Neville.

But young lad and his girlfriend in the breakfast nook,

what's their names?

Eh, take her gag off.

- Look, please don't hurt me.

I'll do anything.

I mean, I'm a mother!

(cries)

- Hark at her.

No-one's gonna touch ya.

Honestly.

Women.

They always over-react.

Misconstrue things.

Get emotional.

- But the bitch ain't laughing now is she Smigs?

Hey, hey? - Hey, hey, hey!

Bit more respect for womenfolk.

Somebody's mother.

(sappy music)

- What's your, er,

name little lady?

- Julie.

- Well, Julie.

You have my gentleman's,

no-one here's gonna harm ya.

Yeah,

you're out the woods missus.

(engaged phone tone)

(gun bangs) - No Jason, no!

Put it down!

Listen to me!

Listen to mummy! (gun bangs)

No Jason!

Jason, Jason!

Shoot the men! (gun bangs)

Jason! See if you can shoot the men!

Look they're down here, shoot them!

- Oh, charming. (gun bangs)

- I said put it down you little cunt!

Put it down!

(gun bangs)

(Julie's body thuds)

- Put the weapon down, sonny.

Oi,

go and take the firearm off of him.

- He might shoot me!

- What's up, you scared?

- No.

- Go on then, I'm no good with kids.

(body thuds)

- He's bumped his head.

- How's his vital signs?

Still breathing?

- Yeah, still breathing.

- Ah, put him on the bed.

Let the little soldier sleep it off.

(Reggae music)

(ominous music)

- [Smigs Voiceover] Fucking hell.

It all goes off, don't it?

Looks like Barrymore in here.

I'm the man of honour and distinction,

protects the indigenous peoples from a pickle.

Safeguards the manoeuvres

of a young protege with a cob-on.

Dug in.

Sitting tight.

Waiting,

for the enemy.

- Hands up.

Is your name Darrel?

- No.

No, it's not.

- Ah, getting stupid this is.

You know it's really getting on my pip,

folks just coming and going as they please.

Hey, are you sure you've got the right house?

- Err, yeah, yeah.

Ah,

I think I've got the wrong place.

I'm sorry.

- Oh it's all right pal, don't worry.

- Smiggy.

That's him,

that's Darrel.

- Are you sure this time

'cause it looks like they've forgot

to close the cemetery gates already in here.

- I haven't done nothing.

It's the girl.

It's the girl who lives here.

- Now,

look.

We know who most of these bodies belong to.

But we can't remember his name.

Him, go on, up there.

There, see that's the girlfriend,

see,

this chap here

we're asking after that chap there

who's called erm, what's he called?

- Spear.

Can I say my words now Smiggy?

- Yeah, Mr.

Claude

Spear.

Hey, you know the sort.

Right leary type, you know.

So we've assumed we've made the assumption

that they're connected in some way you know that

that they know each other,

that they're mates or something.

But, our problem is, see,

our problem is,

we don't know what he's called see,

that's what we're getting stuck on see.

Can you help at all?

- No.

No.

- Actually,

do you know what time you should have been here?

How long we've been waiting for you?

Yeah, 'cause you should have been here before erm

thingy, thingy-what's-his-chops,

you know, erm

bloke in there, go and see who I mean.

Go on, down there.

Go on.

He's in there.

There, behind the chaise longe.

- I've absolutely nothing to do with this.

- What's his name, do you know?

- Oi it's between him and the girl that lives here.

It's her flat.

I'm just visiting.

- What's his bloody name?

- Neville.

- Thank you.

I mean, how many more times?

Neville.

Yeah and you were meant to be here before him.

- Smiggy?

That's him.

- No, you- you need to be speaking to the girl.

- So that's Neville,

well so who is that out there then?

- That's him, Smiggy.

- Hush him.

- That's Darrel.

- That's Julie.

- Yeah I know that.

I'm not that bloody stupid, blimey.

I know that, I know that's Julie.

Yeah.

Nice woman, hospitable type.

No.

I'm

on about him,

him out there,

what's he called?

Oi, skipper.

What's his name?

- I don't know.

Garry.

Garry, that's his name.

Gareth, that's his name.

- Gareth?

- Smiggy, that's him.

- Squeeze me, can you not see I'm busy here?

- That's him.

- I shan't tell you again,

a bit of Bo-Peep please.

Gareth who?

- Gareth Barry.

- Smiggy?

Know that gun?

- Hush.

It's not a gun. - Know that weapon?

- Gareth Barry?

- Know that weapon, Smiggy?

- What my people?

- That weapon?

- Yes.

- It's not loaded.

It's got no bullets in it.

- They're called rounds not bullets.

- Oh yeah, sorry, erm

it's got no rounds in then.

It's empty.

- He's having you on.

I mean, hey, look at him.

He's hardly out west fetching them back in, is he?

- But Smiggy, you emptied them all.

Remember?

- Are we on the same grid ref here or what?

- You took them out, remember?

There's your gun, w- weapon sorry.

One that I paid for.

Over there.

'Cause that one,

that one,

is loaded.

(Reggae music)

(Darrel groans)

(gun cocks) - Stop or I fire.

hey, you have to give them that warning

as part of the Geneva Convention you know.

You have to warn them

that unless they stop you will slot them.

(gun clicks)

- Oh, I- I wa- I wanna say my thing first Smiggy.

I thought we were friends.

(gun clicks)

(gun bangs softly)

- Oh you cunty fuck.

Hotcha jezzler,

you

fucking chetnik.

- You twat.

- Oh fuck off will ya?

It's serious that.

That's a main artery.

Eh, where is it?

(gun bangs)

- Put the weapon down.

(gun bangs)

Do you recognise me?

- Take your mask off fathead.

- Recognise me now?

- Am I meant to?

- Do you remember The Golden Goose Amusement Arcade?

Do you remember somebody

who played Speedway Motorbikes with your wife

at The Golden Goose Amusement Arcade?

Well that person's crippled now.

He can't speak

and he's in a wheelchair now 'cause of you.

- She's not my wife.

- Oh, good as, fella.

She told me you were engaged to be wed and everything.

You just wait.

Hey, you got a date set yet?

- I was never gonna marry the ghastly bitch.

She gives me the fucking horrors.

I just said that to parole to get me out early.

- Do you remember, I said?

(gun bangs)

- Yes! (TV explodes)

- I'm his bother.

- Hey, it's weird you know.

That is a main artery,

but I don't feel any pain.

- What's this about?

- You attacked him for no reason.

- No I didn't.

It was self defence.

- He didn't do a thing except win the game.

I know.

- How would you know?

Were you there?

Hey? - Yes I was.

- Oh were ya? - Yes.

- No you weren't. - Yes I was.

- No you weren't. - Yes I was.

- There wasn't anyone with him.

He was on his own.

- I was, uhm,

I was behind the corner bit near the one-armed bandit.

I saw everything what happened.

- What?

Just watching?

- Because,

I was

turquoise ballooning him.

Stevie didn't do anything, did he?

- Oo no.

But he was playing some motorbike game with her,

well, he's making me look like a bit of a lemon, you know.

- You came over,

and punched him off the bike

and onto the floor.

Then you kicked him in the face.

He was asking you to stop, asking you nicely,

saying please.

He caught my eye.

He saw me looking at him.

He got embarrassed.

That was the last time he looked at me normal.

Then you stomped on his head.

And you kept stomping.

And she were laughing,

laughing her head off shouting, "Kill him Darrel."

And you stamped on Ste's head

and I heard it go

crunch.

And he went all limp.

And there was blood coming out of his mouth.

And I started crying.

(cries) And then I ran away.

We were only there 'cause Stevie was gonna show me

how to play Intergalactic Ramraiders

so I could tell the others at work

and they'd be my friends.

I wish I'd helped him.

I didn't.

Because,

because I was,

scared.

And I'm not scared of you no more though

and I'm gonna shoot you

for what you did to Stevie.

- It's only meant to be a joke.

- Dad'll stop hating me for not helping,

me mum will come back.

- If you shoot me, you'll go to prison.

You don't know what that's like.

- I don't care.

- On your first day they shit in your food.

And if you don't eat it they bash you up.

- I still don't care, I'm not scared.

- Then they PP3 ya.

It's like those big fuck-off sized Eveready batteries,

they're PP3s.

They shove them in a pillow-case

and they whack you over the head with it

while you're in bed.

It's traditional.

There's the boiler-room.

You get fucked up the old pink nought.

It's like, you know,

well up the arse,

by men,

at knife point,

with other men watching.

- That's not a very nice thing to do, is it?

Does it hurt?

- Yeah.

It does.

- Sounds like the Marines.

Yeah they've got shiploads of poofs.

Fucking cabbage-heads.

Branston-dancing so much assholes like Japanese flag.

- Oh Smigs, Smigs.

What should I do?

If you were me big brother

what would you tell me to do?

- Light the tinderbox and let's be off.

I'm starving.

- Please. - Well go on then.

(tense music)

- Say you're sorry.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for what I did to your brother.

- I've got to go and dish up.

It's tinned salmon on Sundays.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

don't stand down til I've got a firearm you bone-head.

Ooh you dirty twister.

Hey, careful with that, it's loaded.

(gun clicks)

Bastard.

(Smiggy groans)

There.

That's him out cold on the dogshelf

and sitting out for the next few games.

Hey,

and I'll tell you what, (groans)

fuckers gonna have a right cunt on his hands

explaining all this when he comes round.

(electronic whizzing) - What?

Fucking hearing's going again.

- I've got to go home,

get Stevie his tea.

- You're not Goose Greening me pal.

(gun bangs)

- Oh, it's working now.

Oh well.

I don't know.

Been a good afternoon really.

Carnival's quite enjoyable.

Feel quite good.

- I've got to be back at work on Tuesday.

I'm on cold meats and poultry.

- Oh oh oh, don't mention food you cruel fucker.

I've got a right old Marvin on the go.

Well.

Come on then lazybones.

Let's look sharpish.

Can't fuck about here all afternoon.

Let's go and get our wounds licked.

Oh, it's fucking killing me now.

- Smiggy,

are we friends?

- Listen.

What kind of question is that?

You just saved my life back then.

Blokes like you and me stick together.

Anyone who serves a campaign with me

is married for life.

- Smiggy?

- All present and correct.

- I could turquoise balloon you.

- Turquoise balloon me?

What's that?

- When you've got somebody

or something

(sentimental music)

that you like

and you wanna protect them,

you imagine, (cries)

you, you think about them

with a big turquoise balloon around them

which stops them from coming to any harm.

I could turquoise balloon you,

and you turquoise balloon me,

just like I did for Stevie when he got attacked.

- Well,

your brother,

didn't really work, did it?

Now, fuck that for a lark.

Pass me the fella's phone over.

(groans)

I'd best get these in.

Can be a funny fucker my doctor.

Good job you got me here, ain't it, hey?

Get me doctor to put us in clover.

Spunk us up with morphine.

Ah, I don't know.

If you want something doing.

Oh,

come on.

(tense music)

Oi.

Hey.

hey young'un?

Philip?

It's not a stand-easy production you know,

we ain't out the woods yet.

(groans)

Okay.

Ah you...

Ooh.

Just regroup.

Get me bearings.

Hmm,

then I'll do it.

It'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

(crowd cheering)

(loud snores)

(smooth Jazz music)