Original subtitles

I know you're all excited about career day,

but your parents won't be arriving

until last period.

Hey, Jade,

is your uncle Jackie gonna wow the class

about the "secret agent" business?

You bet, drew,

and the truth is gonna

blow... Your... Mind.

Oh, oh, you mean the "truth"

about ninjas, magic talismans,

that 400-pound giant named tofu?

His name is...

(Thundering footsteps)

Tohru.

(Muttering) (Muttering)

Jackie. Uncle.

Jade, hand over the talismans...

Or we chop down your family tree.

You guys are the ones going down.

Hyah!

Hyah!

I'm sorry. I doubted you, Jade.

No homework for the rest of the year!

Yes! Go, Jade.

Yeah, no homework.

Jade...

Jade...

Jade!

If you're done daydreaming,

can you tell us the capital of Italy?

Uh, pizza?

Heh heh.

So, with the kitten under one arm,

and the orphan under the other,

I leapt out of the second-story window.

Yeah, I saved a few lives,

but when you're a firefighter,

that's all in a day's work.

Thanks for listening, kids.

All right!

(Cheering)

All right, dad.

Pretty cool, drew.

But wait till you get a load of Jackie.

To uncover artifacts,

the patient archeologist

digs in the dirt

with little, tiny brushes,

bring very careful

not to damage anything.

Sometimes it can take

hours or even days.

So much for secret agent man.

Uh... Question?

Jackie, tell us about the time

you whomped a bunch of shadowkahn

on the roller coaster at melvinworld.

Heh. That's a bit off topic, Jade.

Now, once an artifact is unearthed...

Really! He tanned their ninja hides.

He's got amazing reflexes. Watch.

Ow! Jade...

Jade has quite an imagination,

doesn't she, Mr. chan?

Heh. Yes, she does.

And a good throwing arm, too.

(All talking at once)

Thanks, Jackie.

You made me look like a big, fat liar.

Jade, my work with section 13

is a secret, remember?

Besides, this is career day,

and my career is archeology.

Next time you go on a mission,

I'm bringing back proof.

What next time?

You're not supposed to go on assignment with me, Jade.

And don't forget, children...

Next week, it's your turn

to report on your parents' job,

after you accompany them to work.

Jackie: Captain black

has pinpointed the location

of another talisman

in Micronesia.

Whoa.

You think archeology

is a snore?

We'll start here.

Remember, Jade...

Archeology requires Patience.

Ooh...

Oh, Jackie...

You gotta be kidding me.

It's the monkey talisman.

Must be a sea monkey.

The dark hand.

Go, go, go!

Get back up to the boat.

Aaahhh!

Unh. Unh. Aaahh!

(Panting)

(Gasps)

The talisman.

Ah...

Hand over the rock, flipper.

Hey.

(Grunting)

Uh, you guys are going down.

Stop.

Why are we listening to him?

Yaaahhh!

(Grunts)

Whoa.

Get off of me, ratso.

Rrrrr...

Jackie!

Monkey magic better be good.

Come on, activate already.

Uhh... Before this boat ride

makes me yack.

Whoa. Not what I meant.

What just happened here?

Chan's a horse.

No, chan's a yak.

The talisman.

Uh, yakkie, er, Jackie?

Uh, change him back.

This must be the "turn stuff into other stuff" talisman.

I noticed.

So how about I turn tohru into...

(all scream)

(Jade groans)

Ohh...

(Screeches)

Ewww!

Hello. Mouthwash?

Who are you?

Where am I?

Ah... I'm shipwrecked.

My report is gonna rock.

Say "cheese."

(Screeches)

Hey, monkey boy,

that's not for you,

even if it does have your picture on it.

Oh, no. Jackie.

(All groan)

Ahh...

Tohru, hiya.

Yeah, hiya. Hiya.

We must find the talisman.

How do we know chan and the girl aren't still at sea?

Jade: Jackie!

Oh, Jackie!

Jackie!

There she is.

(Gasps)

Jackie.

Jackie!

Ohh...

Jackie...

Jackie...

Jackie, you are shipwrecked.

Yes, uncle, shipwrecked.

One more thing...

Jade has the monkey talisman.

Jade's a good girl.

One more thing...

Bad men are chasing her.

She needs your help.

Now! Ow.

Jackie!

Jade.

(Panting)

Duh, the "turn things into other things" talisman.

Turn this log into a death ray.

Waah! That's a manta ray.

Change it back! Change it back!

(Pants) Guess it only does animals.

In that case,

how about I get these rats off my tail?

Ratso?

(Squeaks)

Whoa.

The talisman. Huh? Right?

(Panting) Aardvark. Hippo. Giraffe.

(Thud)

(Panting)

Gotta hide. Gotta hide.

Double duh.

Make a monkey out of me.

(Screeches)

Where'd she go?

This way, I think.

Whew, close call.

Ok, change me back.

(Screeches)

Not good.

(Animal growls)

Way not good.

Aaaaaahhhhhh!

(Snorts)

Hello, Jade.

You're a monkey.

Nyah-nyah.

Aah!

(Hisses)

Hey, I don't get it.

She just disappeared.

(Screeches)

Yo, talisman at 9:00.

A monkey's got it.

Grab the chimp.

Hey, Mr. muggs.

I've gotta get that talisman back,

wherever it is.

Jackie: Jade!

Jackie.

Jade.

Jade!

Jade!

A giraffe?

We drifted all the way to Africa?

(Gasps)

Jade.

Tohru.

(Screeches)

Aah! Aah!

Jackie, those dark hand guys were after me,

so I turned myself into a monkey,

and then this other monkey took the talisman.

(Screeches)

Shoo. Go away.

Duh. Monkeys don't speak English.

Ok, first word...

Sounds like...

Maid.

Uh, you seem like

a very nice monkey,

but I have to find my niece.

Wait. Don't go.

(Screeches)

I'm not going to take your picture.

Yes.

(Screeches) Me!

Jade? You...

You know where Jade is?

Oh, an arrow.

Oh, thank you,

little monkey.

No.

(Screeches angrily)

Hey! Put me down.

Jackie!

(Screeches)

Jackie!

(Screeching)

Let me go. Let me go.

Hey, whoa. What are you doing? Eww!

Eww! Check, please.

(Screams)

Guess that means "bye-bye" in monkey.

Heh. Guess not.

Oh... This is the last time

I follow directions from a monkey.

Don't move.

Stay right there.

That's it, bonzo.

Nobody's gonna hurt you.

(Screeches)

Hyah! Stop.

The monkey.

Gaah. Where is Jade?

(Squeaks)

Ratso.

That's ratso?

(Squeaks)

Tell me what you've done with Jade,

or ratso gets it.

Ohh, calm down, dude.

We were chasing her, that's all.

The kid zapped ratso,

and the next thing we know,

that monkey had the talisman.

Jade turned ratso into a rat

and herself into a monkey?

I'm a monkey's uncle.

Jade!

The girl's the monkey with the talisman? Whoa.

(Squeaks)

(Screeches)

Aah! Gaah! Unh.

(Screeches)

Hmm. (Grunting)

Jade!

Oh, Jade.

Here, Jade.

It's me. Jackie.

Ach, Jade.

Yo, Tarzan.

Unh. J...

Jade, quit fooling around.

Stop it.

I don't need a bath.

(Screeches)

Later, mom.

Jade.

(Screeches)

Sorry, Jade.

This is for your own good.

Change her back.

Jade, did you break the talisman?

Hand over the rock.

Here goes nothing.

Ooh.

Hey there.

Talisman works just fine.

Ratso: I say we turn him into a dog. I like dogs.

Why would you wanna turn him into something you like?

A cat, then.

Ah, cats are too snooty.

How about a cockroach?

We can stomp him.

An emu.

Yeah. What's an emu?

Don't know. Sounds good.

Perhaps an animal we can eat.

Hmm... Chicken a la chan.

No! That would make you cannibals.

(Angry screeching)

Change me back.

Hi, Jackie.

Jade. Then who are you?

(Belches)

The talisman.

Elephant.

Aah, Jade! Bad move, bad move, bad move.

Uh, got it covered.

Once a rat...

(Squeaks)

Jackie. Change him back.

Hey, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Gaah!

You're a flamingo.

Kangaroo.

Huh?

Good choice.

Change me back.

Jack... rabbit.

Unh.

(All grumble)

(Screeches)

Change me back.

Hope this means what I think it means.

Aaaahhhh!

Aaaahhhh!

(Angry screeching)

Hey, cut that out.

(Screeching)

(Sniffing)

Ooh-ooh.

Hi, mom.

Mom?

Welcome to the family.

Ms. hardman: Now it's Jade's turn

to give her report.

Ahem. On my day at work,

uncle Jackie and I went scuba diving for artifacts,

but a big storm kicked up,

and we wound up shipwrecked.

Yeah, right.

And there were these monkeys and...

Ahem.

To uncover artifacts,

the archeologist

digs in the dirt

with little, tiny brushes,

being very careful

not to damage anything.

Jade: Hey, Jackie,

do you have any pets?

I love pets.

Very, very good for the human.

If your partner is your friends...

If you have a pet, you have him with you every day.

I remember long time ago,

I have 3 Saint bernards. Big dog.

I love big one.

The problem is, all those years,

I been traveling around making movies.

6 months later, when I coming back,

I said, "nuh nuh nuh,"

he bite me. He don't listen me anymore.

So it's no good.

But later on,

when I retire, settle down, yes.