Original subtitles

So it has been quite a journey,

but through it all, the key for me has been bravery

and the deep-down knowledge

that I am better than everyone else.

Uh, I'm sorry, Jillian, what was your question?

I asked Max where she was born.

The Peekaboo Lounge on I-90.

My mom was on the pole

when I popped out and said, "Peekaboo."

So your movie, The Princess and the Ponzi,

has Oscar buzz...

for sound editing, but still.

Who will you be wearing to the premiere?

Well, Jillian, the top is from

the 7-Eleven lost and found,

and the jeans I won in a knife fight,

so I didn't get specifics.

Stylist to the stars Brad Goreski reached out.

He's a fashion policeman,

the only kind of policeman Max hasn't been arrested by.

Anyway, our dessert bar is catering the premiere.

We are really coming into our own.

Girls...

Oh, speaking of coming into your own,

this is Han.

Are you coming to work today?

Or should I just write down wrong orders

for customers myself?

Han, can't you see we're in the middle

of a press interview for my movie?

You can't just ignore me.

I'm not the advice of your court-appointed lawyer.

Sounds like you guys are busy.

The movie, running this bar, and working for that man too.

Man, right?

With us blowing up as we are,

Max and I are phasing out the diner

and deodorant that's hot to the touch.

It burns the stink away. I'm not giving that up.

Well, that was...five hours.

Uh, see you at the premiere.

Wait, we're phasing out the diner?

I have really gotta stop falling asleep immediately

whenever you speak.

Max, think about it. Why--

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Han, we need to talk to you.

Yeah, we're not happy about it either.

Best-case scenario,

we wouldn't have seen you at all today.

Oh, good, a talk.

Let me save you the trouble and just start crying.

Han, we are phasing the diner out of our lives.

I have a stylist now.

This is our two weeks' notice,

and we need this week off to get ready for the premiere.

I mentioned I have a stylist, right?

So you leave me high and dry?

I'm always high and dry around you.

Han, we got Bobby's sister, Denise,

to cover for us, and she's already late.

It'll be like we never left.

Whoo, sorry I'm sweaty and late.

I tried to parkour my way here.

Then I met the business end of a parking meter.

Basically, I broke my vagina.

Where can I get a big Ziploc bag full of ice?

Uh...here.

I was keeping my kidney in it.

Now, Bobby, before stylist to the stars

Brad Goreski gets here,

we just need to do a little work

to fix up your clothes, your hair, your face.

Also, your walk's not great.

How's my run?

'Cause I feel like doing it right now.

If you want to play stylist, help Denise.

She tucks her sweater in-- to her socks.

Oh, Denise isn't invited to the premiere.

I can't run the risk of being embarrassed by someone.

I mean, Earl already asked if he could bring

his sleeping bag and his shopping cart.

We get it, Earl, you're rich.

Uh, my dress is by Beddy Spready.

It's a bedspread.

Oh, my God, Brad Goreski!

Well, I can't prove it,

because someone just stole my wallet outside.

All right, I gotta go get a suit

after I get my...

eyelashes highlighted? Seriously?

Love you.

both: Mm.

Love you too.

Good call on the eyelashes.

Ooh!

First time there's been

a better rack than mine in the apartment.

Okay, these are the choices.

They're on loan from the top designers,

and if you hurt them,

those bitches will hunt you down.

Well, if Federal Marshal Tommy Lee Jones

couldn't find me, good luck.

That's a brand-new Zac Posen.

He gave it to me as a favor,

because we share a time share and a love of Cher.

Over share?

You got anything over there

I won't have to shave my pits for?

Hmm, hold on.

Let me sniff around

for Shailene Woodley's SAG Awards dress.

Oh, my God, I love it.

Oh, good eye.

That's a $10,000 dress.

And that's why it looks so lost

and afraid in this apartment.

$10,000?

I can own and operate an Old Navy for that.

Oh, my God.

Did someone call fashion 911?

The fashion police are here!

Well, this is embarrassing.

Yes, I'm celebrity stylist Brad Goreski.

Oh, see, I thought you were Melissa Rivers.

Yeah, 'cause you guys have very similar jaws.

Hey, do you style babies?

'Cause I want Barbara to be discovered

at the movie premiere.

The only baby I style is Kanye West.

Wait, are you sure you're not Melissa Rivers?

Max, this is my reintroduction into high society,

and you had to bring ribs for the limo?

Somebody obviously was never in a Pitbull video.

Doesn't look like we're going anywhere in this traffic.

I'll take a road rib.

Max, if you get that red wine near me,

I will start singing songs from Funny Girl,

and I will not stop.

Can I some of that

"deal with Caroline" juice?

Max, that's your third sigh.

Is my makeup not perfect?

Do even my sighs have to be about you?

Well, it is my night.

I was just thinking how this whole movie thing

started in L.A. with Randy.

It's kind of sad he's not here,

and also, your makeup is a little clowny.

Oh, no.

Yeah, well, Randy's the only person

I've ever loved or let love me.

How clowny?

What are you guys doing out there?

We hopped out of our cab, because of the traffic.

Also, it was on fire.

Well, we'd invite you guys in here,

but the windows keep going up on their own.

You don't think that limo driver's

gonna eat the rest of my coleslaw, do you?

Shh, no one says "coleslaw" on a red carpet.

I think you hid it pretty well in the cup holders.

Oh, my God. Look at all this.

Oh, good, Caroline Channing.

Stay here. It's not your time yet.

Oh, that's what the angels said to me

when I drove that dump truck into the East River.

Oh, look, it's the star of Happy Feet.

Antarctica's that way.

No, it's that way.

This is exciting.

I haven't seen this much paparazzi

since I was dating Harriet Tubman.

You guys must be the Make-A-Wish couple.

Actually, we're just friends.

If I had a wish, he'd be a giant doobie.

Just keep it moving.

It's the "Kevin Dillon and below" spot.

They must all be reloading their cameras.

Are you trying to say I shouldn't be seeing

all these flashing lights right now?

Hey, everybody!

Check out my red carpet dress.

So, when I said "red carpet attire,"

I meant something--wow.

I vacuumed it myself before we left.

It gave me hard wood.

Well, the real star tonight is here.

Verne Troyer, where?

No, Barbara.

Come on, Barbara, let's make you a star.

Look, it's kielbasa, your favorite.

Hey, everybody!

It's baby Barbara.

Here are some headshots.

She's cute, she's versatile, and like her mother,

she can put all ten toes in her mouth.

There you are.

Oh, let's hold off a minute.

Old Hollywood rule: never follow sausage.

-Okay, who's next? -Oh, I'll go.

Following sausage is kinda my thing.

Doesn't matter what you do if you're rocking the cleavage.

Thanks for lending him clothes.

I told him to get something cool,

so he bought a short-sleeved suit.

Yeah, it's part of the Steven Seagal summer collection.

Hey, are we ready?

Yeah.

You look so handsome.

Let me just fix that hair.

It's still doing that thing that I hate.

Actually, it might just be the shape of your head.

Walk a little in front of me.

I want to share this moment with you,

but I want to do it alone.

-Okay. -Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Bobby.

-No, Bobby--Bobby, wait! -I'm going, I'm going.

I'm moving as fast as my big misshapen head'll go.

Caroline, you're unraveling!

Bobby, come back!

Oh, Bobby, no, I'm serious!

Aah! I can't believe this is happening!

And Bobby's hair is still sticking up!

Oh, my God, this is worse than

Eric Stonestreet's nip slip.

Max...

Randy.

Max.

I'd... love to stay and talk,

but I just remembered I have to run away.

Brad, a little help?

You're on your own.

Stupid showing up at movies,

like, "Oh, surprise, Max, I'm here."

Sorry, we're closed.

You ran out of there so fast,

you trampled that strange exotic bird.

That was Tilda Swinton, and I apologized.

How did you know I was here?

I followed you.

You could've just poked me on Facebook.

Rather poke you in person.

So...you gonna give me a drink?

Are you gonna give me a reason you're here?

Are you gonna give me a reason you're so beautiful?

Are you gonna give me a reason--

okay, fine, I'll give you a drink.

I just got over you.

What do you want from me?

I want to be with you.

Oh, please!

You think you can just come in here in your suit

and be like, "Uh, I wanna be with you, Max."

You say you love me,

you say you can't live without me,

and then you go and live without me.

You, sir, are unreliable.

Max, I miss you.

Every time I see Cheeto dust

or a girl wearing flip-flops in an expensive restaurant,

I tear up.

Oh, really?

I thought you said long-distance relationships didn't work.

Not gonna be long distance anymore.

What about your firm in L.A.?

We just opened offices in New York.

Where are they?

Two blocks from my new apartment I just got.

Well, where's your dog?

Doesn't he have season tickets to the Lakers?

He and Jack Nicholson got in a fight.

Well, what about all that stuff you said

about us being in different places in our lives?

I want to be in your place.

What about that thing you said

about the way I eat noodles?

I'm working on that.

Max, I've been crazy about you since the moment I met you.

I don't want to live without you.

-Oh, really? -Really.

Prove it.

Max George Black...

I love you.

Will you marry me?

Wait, what?

Caroline can really put you to sleep

on and off the screen, huh?

Here.

Oh, she doesn't even like her desserts.

Well, at least you got a nap out of it, right, Barbara?

You were the one who was drooling pretty hard in there.

You know what? After seeing that snoozer,

I don't want Barbara to have any part of Hollywood.

Yeah.

You know, she can be something important,

like a realtor.

All right,

I stitched it up with a rubber band

and a fisherman's knot right there.

Yeah, Steven Seagal has a dress just like that.

Bobby, how am I gonna pay for this dress I ruined?

Do you have $10,000?

I can give you $4

and make you another fisherman's knot.

I just really want you to know

that I am sorry for the way I've been acting.

Look, I know.

You have been really nervous about today,

and it brought out what I hope is the worst in you.

I'll just say yes.

Anyway, none of that superficial stuff matters.

What matters is that I love you,

and I owe $10,000 for this dress.

Just a heads-up. I see London, I see...

Your whole left butt cheek is out.

I may have a solution to your $10,000 problem.

I am not going in on

that Little Caesar's franchise with you.

We'd be making more than pizza, I'll tell you that.

Look, I'm flush with cash now

that they've stopped making Dr. Who figurines.

How about if I pay for the dress,

you and Max can pay me back by working at the diner?

Han, yes.

Thank you for not making me beg for my job back.

You would've begged?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Well, I should walk off this boner.

Wait, I mean, go get Earl out of here.

He's pitching his idea for

The Black Lincoln to Scorsese,

and by Scorsese, I mean a plant.

Yo, think about it, Marty.

Bobby, I felt bad about not inviting Denise,

so I texted her during the movie.

Hopefully, she'll be smart enough

to change out of her diner uniform,

and there she is, and, no, she wasn't.

It's not usually this red.

I burned it on the grill.

So the worst part of the night's not over.

Oh, my God.

It's retro, it's now,

it's a little tomato-saucy, but it works.

I spilled spaghetti and meatballs on myself.

You have a girlfriend?

No.

Don't worry, we can find a third.

It's from Max. It says,

"Meet me at the dessert bar. It's an emergency."

She never says something's an emergency.

She came to work with a knife in her head.

Max, where did you go?

You missed everything. And as hard as I tried,

they wouldn't give me a second swag bag.

And I will not share the Kate Hudson yoga pants.

You can have them, 'cause I have this!

You stole an engagement ring?

Can I come out now? It smells in there.

Oh, my God, Randy.

Are you upset that Max is engaged?

Oh, wait!

Now I know why you wanted to tell her without me.

-Back to the smelly room. -No!

Aw.

Oh, my God!

This night that was totally about me

is totally about you, and I'm not even jealous!

Oh, my God. Are you moving to L.A.?

Different kind of tears coming.

Nope, I'm moving here.

Should've done it a long time ago.

I'm keeping my name, by the way.

It'd be weird for people to call me Randy.

See? How can I live without this?

See, Caroline? You got your wish.

We're both with someone.

Looks like I got my wish.

We're not gonna die together.

You are more than welcome to die with us.

So I hear you have a boyfriend.

Yeah, he'll be right in.

He's getting Max's coleslaw out of the limo.

The driver said he didn't eat it,

but his face is covered in mayonnaise.

Bobby, this is Randy...

-Max's fiancé. -What?

Um, I'll break up with him if you don't talk American.

-You look familiar. -So do you.

both: Aww.

You're that lawyer that

screwed my mother and sister out of that reality show.

-Yeah, it was called... -Move Out, You're 40.

Yeah, we had to fire them 'cause they're insane.

I'm sorry, are you calling

my mother and sister insane?

Oh, not just me. The state of New Jersey.

Oh, it's so cute. They know each other.

Let's take this outside. There's ladies here.

Well, one.

That's a good idea.

First one you've ever had.

Okay, that's it.

His mother put a curse on me.

Yeah, and you haven't found

a good parking space since, have you?

Bobby, don't ruin your suit. We can't afford it.

Oh, my God, this is terrible.

Can I see the ring again?

Um, I licked it, and it's not candy.

Aww, they must've made up.

They're hugging.

This is not good.

And more not good,

we still have to work at the diner to pay off my dress.

Did Bobby's mother put a curse on us too?

Is it weird I think that's a little hot?

Let me see the ring again.