Original subtitles

Come on, Max! Class is starting.

I saved you a spot next to me.

Be right there. Strapping in the girls.

Lefty's a little cranky this morning.

Thanks for getting these work out bands

out of the Equinox dumpster.

I was already in there. I had a meeting

with my accountant.

We're not doing great, by the way.

We're gonna do resistance work with them.

I'm already resistant.

I'm almost at violent.

Do what I'm doing.

Let my crack stick out?

And pulse, and pulse, and pulse.

Let me just get rid of that pulse for you.

Come on, Max, the heart machine at Rite Aid said you were 80

and printed you a prescription for a wheelchair.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

Is there a bed on me?

Get my wheelchair.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Hey, girls.

Check out Barbara's new ride.

We need help.

And not just because Barbara has a luxury SUV before I do.

Ohh.

Great workout.

I'm gonna cool down with a bagel.

No, I just came down here to bring you your mail.

And Barbara wanted to show off her car

because you girls are poor.

Overdue cell phone bill, electricity--

Sophie, this mail is from a month ago.

What? It's mail, not cottage cheese.

Oh, wait. I think there might be

a little cottage cheese in there.

Got any of that for my bagel?

Oh, my God. The movie they're making

about my life is coming out.

Is it called Good Will Boring?

And Max, we're invited to the press junket

to promote the movie.

In two days?

Uh-oh.

I don't even think my hair girl could help you in time

and she's got three hands.

Sophie, I hope it's not too late to RSVP.

I was waiting for some news about the movie.

I thought it went to the wrong person.

Like my 20s.

Come on, Barbara. Let's cruise the playground

and make fun of babies in Chevy Volts.

Uh, can Barbara drop me off at Equinox?

They throw out the expired Clif Bars at 3:30.

Oh, Han, Max and I

have to do press for my movie,

so we can't work tomorrow.

I get it. Why break your six-year streak?

I guess with all your movie money,

you two can move on and I can hire two waitresses

who don't use my office as a gambling hall.

Han, Caroline already spent all the movie money

on the dessert bar.

Also, I need your office in 20 minutes.

We're interviewing a new roulette dealer.

Well, can you at least tell people

not to put cigarettes out on my family photos?

There's a giant hole in my grandma.

Ooh! They just sent a cast list.

Guess who's playing me?

Tess Walker.

She is a very big--

hold on, let me read what she's a very big.

If it's big-boobed, they did zero research.

Tess is from Australia. She's a rising star

and got her start in the romantic comedy G'day Kate.

Max, you're being played by Vanessa Robinson.

Not a name, but that's what they do.

Vanessa Robinson?

She's on my favorite Disney show,

That's So Vanessa Robinson.

How do they expect a Disney goody-two-shoes to play me?

She won't be realistic playing high or drunk

or fighting the bear from The Revenant.

Ooh, Max, who's playing me?

Michelle Kim?

I'm being played by a woman?

Calm down, not a woman. It's an 11-year-old girl.

And she's probably more upset about it than you are.

That's preposterous. An 11-year-old girl

couldn't own a diner.

You do.

Hey, guys. I picked up your lunch.

There were two other orders from customers in here.

Hey.

Bobby, Tess Walker is playing me in the movie about me.

From G'day Kate!

Oh, yeah. She's Kate, right?

Or or the one that says "G'day" to her?

Either way, she's not as pretty as you.

Ohh, you know exactly what I tell you to say.

Ooh, the fries are good from not here.

Oleg, try these.

Hey, Oleg.

It says here you're being played by Pete Chilton.

My gosh, he's the one who played the serial killer

in that funny movie we saw.

I hope the penis is accurate.

This is a full frontal role, right?

It is here.

Oh, it doesn't look like there's a Sophie character.

Oh, but there is one named Pearl,

a Black Polish woman who works as the diner's cashier.

What?

They combined me with Earl?

I mean, if I wanted to be combined with someone,

I wouldn't have given up a liver

to be separated from my twin.

Hey, they made me a woman?

I haven't been a woman since I was trying to outrun

the mob with Marilyn Monroe.

Oh, holy crap, Caroline.

Your ex Candy Andy's a character in the movie

and he's gonna be at the press junkie.

Junket. You're a junkie, get it right.

And Candy Andy? Why is he in the movie?

Shouldn't he be old enough to go by Candrew Andrew at this point?

Bobby, before you get crazy jealous,

he is very handsome and I went places with him sexually

that I had never been before.

But--ah, anyway, I'm with you, now, and he's married.

That's cool, I'm just-- I'm just not a jealous guy.

I am confident in our rock solid relationship.

Well, that's very annoying.

All these reporters and photographers remind me

of when I lost my baby teeth.

Oh, my father left a summer home under my pillow.

I left my baby teeth in the octagon with Ronda Rousey.

This would be a great opportunity

to plug our dessert bar.

Let's do a lap and start

whispering about ourselves to get a buzz going.

If you think I don't already have a buzz going at 11:00 a.m.,

then you don't know me.

Oh, my God, that's the Sophie and Earl mash-up.

She was the football coach on Girl Meets World!

This is getting real!

Caroline Channing?

I'm Daisy. I'm with the PR team.

Maybe you've heard of me. Kylie Jenner threw

a full can of Sprite at my head last year.

That's why my pupils are so big!

Daisy, don't worry. I am not high maintenance.

How can I be sure that all photos of me

are taken on the north side of my face?

I'm Max. Uh, what does it mean when you don't have pupils?

You guys are so cute.

Oh, I know you haven't seen the movie,

so I'll give you a quick rundown of what happens

for press questions.

Uh, let's see. You lose your money.

Sad, sad, sad. And then you meet this one.

Sad, sad, sad.

-You are so cute. -Oh.

It's not as much about the two of you anymore.

The storyline came off a little lesbionic,

which is kinda last year.

I just came off a little lesbionic.

Maggie won't stop calling me.

Oh, my God.

There's Tess. Oh, she's flawless.

She's the perfect me.

Tess, It's me! You, Caroline!

Oh, and the young lady playing you hasn't shown up yet.

Oh, that's what the real Max should've done.

You're so cute. No, she went real method

in researching the role of you.

And now she's real into drugs.

I'm so upset. You just can't tell

because I'm heavily medicated.

Hello, unattended bar.

Caroline Channing in person.

Oh, this must be what it was like

when Julia Roberts met Erin Brockovich.

Or the other way around.

Oh, and this is Brent, the actor playing Candy Andy.

Should it be awkward between us

since you're playing one in a long string

of two ex-boyfriends?

Thanks.

Thanks for having a tragic life

so I could fall in love on screen.

And off.

Uh, see, I think audiences would much rather

see me wind up with, let's say, a working class,

blue collar contractor, maybe named Bobby.

You're so cute. No, it was pretty obvious

to everyone you should wind up with Candy Andy.

Yeah, I thought so, too.

Candy Andy!

I do not go by that silly name, Max.

It's Candrew Andrew.

-Andrew. -Hey.

You look great.

Oh, sorry, ooh.

You two are like me and my eighth grade science teacher.

Just can't keep your hands off each other.

Max, you ruined Mr. Brillstein's life,

and, like Mr. Brillstein, Andy is married.

Oh, uh, well, actually I'm divorced.

There's your M. Night Shyamalan twist!

But don't let him direct the rest of the movie.

Oh, how about a picture of you two for the photographers?

You look great together.

I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out.

Yeah, me too.

My father-in-law had box seats to the Rangers.

You look beautiful.

You have my lipstick on your mouth.

Oh, well, maybe we wear the same shade.

That'll be six--ehh, $27.

Hey, Earl. Don't get up.

No chance of that, unless they start

making Viagra for the entire body.

Uh, Caroline's not here. What do you need?

Actually, I wanted to talk to you guys.

Even though she told me never to do that.

You guys wanna see a nipple that looks like Fred Flintstone?

Now I see why.

If this is an Amway pitch, I've fallen for that twice.

Let's just say I am way in debt.

No, it's this--this Andy guy.

What can you tell me about him?

Is he good looking? Rich?

Does he have Amazon Prime? I'm dying, here.

Oh, I thought you weren't the jealous type.

But you're sweating like skinny Jonah Hill trying to be funny

or fat Jonah Hill trying to be serious.

Well, I am the jealous type. I just wanted

to look cool in front of Caroline.

I don't care what I look like in front of you guys.

Obviously.

You have nothing to worry about, Andy.

I mean, Bobby.

Much like the copy of TV Guide

Earl is currently reading,

Candy Andy is old news.

Ooh, there's another episode

of Facts of Life tonight, you know?

Hey, everybo--

Wouldn't you like to finish that sentence for me, Earl?

Since you don't have your own character in Caroline's movie.

Yeah, you're right.

I got nothing to worry about.

I should get going.

Hey, Andy.

I mean, Bobby.

Look, did you see this picture

of Caroline with Candy Andy?

Look, he's got his arm around her at a junket.

Is that hand on her lower back or upper butt?

Hey, man, it's a good thing you're not the jealous type.

Especially since he has his hand right on her ass.

Hey...I was gonna say that!

Can you at least give me one thing of my own, Earl?

I'll be in our booth

I'm from the New York Times.

Ha, what the hell are you doing here?

I have a question for Tess.

In G'day Kate, you married a kangaroo for a green card?

So this is super weird, right?

Looking at them, being us.

Andy, I can't talk now. I have to promote my dessert bar

and answer all these questions.

You know how reporters get when they have a fascinating subject.

Caroline, no one's asked you anything and they already

told you to stop raising your hand.

Max, the actress playing you isn't here.

It's been reported she's been on a downward spiral

ever since she got into the role.

Her behavior is disgusting,

and I very much approve.

This is for Michelle, the young lady playing the Han character.

What drove you to the role?

My mom said I had to start helping out in this family

if I wanted unlimited data.

And for Janelle, portraying Pearl,

how did you prepare to play a Black man

and a larger-than-life Polish woman?

Two dialogue coaches and a lot of wigs.

And I stopped showering the minute I got the role of Oleg.

Caroline, I have a question for you about us.

A Q & A is not the place for questions.

Well, fine, I won't ask you, then.

I'll just tell you.

I miss you and your adorable crooked smile.

I mean, look at the Hollywood us.

We could be the real version of them.

Just, you know, I wouldn't wear guyliner.

Caroline, fate brought us together for a reason.

I mean, we had a really good thing.

I think we should give it another shot.

Caroline Channing, you said you own a dessert bar now?

Oh--ohh.

Caroline's speechless.

Guess I'm down to two wishes on that magic lamp.

So what do you think?

I think that girl might be dead.

But what about me and Andy? I mean, you don't think

it means something that we tested well.

Hey, I test positive for stuff all the time.

I'm not allowed to donate or get blood,

but other than that, it's cool.

Ugh, Andy and I do look great together.

What if America knows more about me than I do?

Then I feel worse for America than I already do.

I-I don't know why any of this matters.

Andy knows you have a boyfriend.

I didn't tell him.

Why didn't I tell him?

And boom goes the Shyamalan.

Hey, Max, they don't have chocolate milk, I asked.

Ugh! How do they expect me to wash down my scrimps?

Caroline, can we just talk and maybe spend

the rest of our lives together?

You know, keep it casual.

Hey! Mr. Candy guy!

Get your hands off my girl!

Ouch!

Dude, you spilled my drink!

She's my girlfriend.

No, she is not. Who are you?

Bobby, you attacked the wrong Andy in a jealous rage.

He's over here.

Hey, how's it going? Should I put my drink down?

Ah, no...I've embarrassed myself enough.

I'm sorry, Caroline. I just couldn't stand

the thought of you doing it with another guy

once a week in the beginning.

Bobby, I love that you're jealous--violently jealous.

But you don't need to be.

-Andy, I have a boyfriend. -Mm.

A violently jealous boyfriend.

I wouldn't say violently.

I choked you out for a Pop-Tart this morning.

All right. Super awkward right now.

Um, well, I guess I'm gonna have to go

cancel the Mariachi band I hired to serenade us.

Adios, $10 deposit.

Ooh, you should bring them by the dessert bar.

I'm having an after party there with the cast.

We are?

Mm, well...I guess now you're invited, too.

And here's something else you can use.

When I rent a car, I usually go with the Sebring.

I'm starting to see why they cut most of my scenes.

Once I rented a Tercel. Once.

I gotta take this.

I know it's not ringing, but you get it.

Will the real Han please stand up?

And then leave.

I'll be in my booth

I'll be in my booth

I'll be in my booth

I'll be in my booth

You just don't get it.

Can I mix alcohol and, like, five red pills?

Ha, would I be standing here if you couldn't?

Uh, this might seem weird or maybe just freaky enough,

but I am very attracted to that part of her that is me.

You know what, Earl? You play your cards right,

you might be screwing yourself tonight.

What's up, girl?

Did I tell you that I got super rich?

Yeah, got injured at Six Flags.

Not even in a cool way.

Tripped on a fat kid, landed on a skinny kid.

Maybe you should go for Tess.

I bet she'll be single soon

since Bobby's jealous rage

sent her boyfriend to the hospital.

I did not. I got his autograph.

He voiced a parakeet in Zootopia.

Cacaw. Ring a bell?

Well, I guess this is good-bye.

I won't see you at the premiere next week.

I'm gonna go drown my sorrows in Paris.

And Bali. Well, wherever they have

the most expensive jewels.

Anything?

I'm right here.

Guys, don't fight over me

until I have the camera open on my phone.

Well, you're a lucky guy, Bobby.

Just--by the way, she is a really horrible...

No, I can't think of anything.

She's pretty perfect.

I'm sure if you tried really hard

you'll find someone willing to date

a very attractive rich guy in the prime of his life.

Now you're making me want to date him.

Well, I better get going.

Helicopter traffic gets crazy at 8:00.

Anything?

both: Helicopter?

Well...

I've been trying to look for Vanessa,

but she probably goes by her gang name, now.

I couldn't find her on my police scanner,

but it did help me avoid selling weed

to an undercover cop.

Copy that, Sarge.

All right, Oleg. Let's go.

It's Wednesday, so we gotta take the garbage out

so we can do it under the sink.

Ooh, plumber style.

Sophie.

That's not me.

But my God, he is gorgeous.

Wow!

I had a dream like this once.

Only I was covered in nougat.

Let's go, one of the Olegs.

All right, bye, Max.

Oh, hi, Max.

Max? Vanessa's here!

Oh, my God. You're gonna be okay.

Just keep drinking. You tried being me too fast.

-I just-- -Don't talk, drink.

How are you not dead?

Shh.

Did you see that?

She's never patted my head like that.

And she even gave me a birthday coupon for one free head pat.

Is that jealousy I see?

Max and I are in a strong relationship.

I am not jealous.

Are they in a full-on hug now? I'm redeeming my coupon.

Anything?

No? Okay, cut it.

Uh, all right, come on. Who likes helicopter rides?

Helicopter?