Original subtitles

More lemonade, sir?

Full disclosure, it's a pitcher of water

we can't get the lemon taste out of.

Sir?

Max, either this guy's pretending to be dead

to get out of paying the check

or Oleg's chili has killed again.

This is my Earl mirror.

I use it during naps to make sure he's still breathing.

And 80% of the time he is.

Han, there's a dead body at table three,

the saddest place to die other than table two.

Oleg, get out here!

Someone's deader than Max's emotions.

I really should throw away that chili.

Let's prop him up outside with a Salvation Army bucket.

Whatever he collects, we split in the morning.

Uh, count me out.

If they catch the five of us with a dead body,

you know they're gonna blame the black guy.

Okay, everyone grab a limb and lift.

How's everything tasting?

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Max, you're not gonna believe it.

Bobby's in the shower!

That's how much he likes me, he's using our shower.

He makes me so happy.

Yeah, I heard.

It sounded like someone was trying to connect

with a dial-up modem out here.

Sorry.

That's just what I sound like

when I go online.

But really, he makes me feel like that all the time.

He's perfect. We're perfect.

Caroline, you shouldn't get too carried away.

Nothing is perfect.

Except that game I pitched for the Yankees.

Actually, it is perfect.

We're amazing together,

and I really don't want to hear from Negative Nancy.

What the-- who's Negative Nancy?

Everyone knows I go by "Negative Juggs McGee."

I'm just saying you don't know him that well yet.

I know what this is about, and it's not me and Bobby.

You're worried I'm gonna get hurt

because of what happened between you and Randy.

It's not about that.

I just know guys,

and you haven't been in a relationship

since Ben was the best Affleck.

Hey there.

It's amazing, I'm somehow less clean now

than when I went in.

I gotta get going, babe.

I'll meet you at the dessert bar.

We're having lunch with his mom and his sister.

I'm almost part of the family now.

Well, if you were part of the family

you'd be addicted to Diet Pepsi

and get into mall fights on Black Friday.

Then I might be a cousin.

Oh, you know what? I'll walk you out.

If Homeless Larry tries to grab you,

-I can fend him off. -Yeah.

Oh, careful, he's got barbecue tongs now.

Aww.

Look at those two.

That PDA is making me want to M-A-S-T-U--

Ah, I would stop you,

but I doubt you know what comes after U.

Usually me.

What do you guys want?

Well, we're looking for some entertainment.

Oleg and I have binge-watched everything.

You know, we even watched the Santa Clarita Diet.

Now that's one diet I'm not gonna stick to.

Oh, Bobby must have left his phone here.

-Oh, crap. -What's wrong?

It's a text from Bobby's ex, Jessica.

It says, "Call me about baby."

Do Bobby and Jessica have a baby?

Are they going to have one?

And why does Bobby have a rose gold iPhone?

Maybe he got it with his yearly mammogram.

I knew this relationship was too good to be true.

Looks like I'm not Negative Nancy,

more like Reality Check Rita.

Then why the hell have I been calling you Max?

Oh, just a heads-up,

Bobby's family is on its way over,

so any X-rated puppeteering you have to do,

now is the time.

Speaking of Bobby and people he knows,

uh, does he still talk to what's-her-name, Jessica?

Pfft, no.

She is long gone, like my bangs

or democracy.

Bobby never brings her up.

We just talk about our common interests,

like how much we like my hair

or how pretty I am.

Yeah, but circling back to other people,

which is very hard with you,

Jessica, do they talk? Text?

Share custody?

Max, why are you asking about her?

Jessica is his ex-girlfriend.

All Bobby's ever said about her is that she's a wedding planner

and she's out of his life.

I know that's hard for you to believe,

like the moon landing.

Hey!

You never see their faces.

They brought back no cheese. Just saying.

-Now, please, just drop it. -Fine-ah!

Fine-ah.

Oh, hi, Denise.

Where's your mom and Bobby?

Oh, we don't ride the subway together

in case there's a crash.

Somebody's gotta be around for Black Friday.

Well, now that Bobby's sister is here,

I don't wanna mess up your perfect brunch.

I'm going to the diner, where the only perfect thing

is the owl-to-rat ratio.

So you own this place?

Man, I'd love to be my own boss.

Mine treats me like garbage.

If I want to get freaky with the UPS guy on my break,

that's my time.

So what is it you do, besides the UPS guy?

I work the counter at the Mail Boxes and Other Things.

It's like Mail Boxes Etc, but we have other things.

Oh.

I know it sounds cool,

but my boss is always on me.

Well, maybe you should talk to your boss.

You know, tell him how you feel, stand up for yourself.

I'm not great with confrontation,

partially because I had bad depth perception.

Like, I have no idea how far away you are right now.

I'm right here.

On second base.

Well, I think you're great,

and not inappropriate at all.

And if your boss can't see that, well, maybe you should quit.

So the gentleman who looked like Abraham Lincoln,

was that a hipster or an Orthodox Jew?

Either way, I don't understand why you gave him a dollar.

Mom, I quit!

Wait, your mom is your boss?

Is it the UPS man?

He's your godfather. It's untoward.

Where's this coming from?

From my new best friend

and women-in-business mentor,

Caroline.

You told my daughter to quit working for me?

I'm sure she meant a different Caroline.

I don't know.

Everything got blurry after she touched my boobs.

Han, I'm about to say what you said to me

when you were trying to get into an R-rated movie.

I need your help.

I told you three times, I don't fit up drain pipes.

Listen, I just saw this text on Bobby's phone

from his ex-girlfriend, Jessica.

I think they might have a secret baby together.

Wow, that would really devastate Caroline.

More importantly, Bobby and I are rose gold buddies.

I just have to make sure before I say anything

to panic Caroline.

I need to do some detective work,

so you and I are gonna go down

to Jessica's wedding planning business

and pretend we're a couple.

Obviously I'll be the groom.

Max, this might come as a surprise to you,

but I'm a very busy man.

I don't have time for your sophomoric high jinks.

Uh, that's what they said to Adam Sandler,

and it only made him richer.

I'm flattered I was your first choice.

Man, she asked me five people ago.

I think she was down to you or a broom,

and the broom was busy.

If I'm doing this, we have to use our best acting skills,

'cause who's gonna believe you landed me?

Ugh, really wish Steve the Broom didn't have Pilates at 4:00.

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Ferraro.

I had no idea you were the awful boss

that was making her life miserable.

Bobby, why didn't you tell me

your mom owns a Mail Boxes and Other Things?

I didn't want you to date me for the unlimited bubble wrap.

Denise can't cope out in the world.

You know how many times she's touched

our neighbor's electric fence.

To be fair, they installed it

to keep her from falling in their pool.

Well, you did this. You take care of it.

She's your responsibility now.

Bobby, bring home some deserts for me.

From Dunkin'!

Bobby, I am so sorry.

I don't want our first fight to be over a misunderstanding.

I want it to be about something important,

like if you want a soul patch.

We're not fighting.

This is a bump.

I think you're overreacting.

Then why are you yelling?

I'm not yelling.

Man, what's with all the yelling?

Oh, Oleg, let's see where this goes.

It's already better than everything on Amazon.

Just with it was a little bit more Game of Thrones-y.

And by that, I mean a little more topless.

And by that I mean, oh, oh, Bobby.

Caroline, we're not fighting.

But please, don't get in the middle

of my ma and Denise again.

My aunt tried once.

Now she's really scared of ceiling fans.

I gotta go. I still can't find my phone.

Oleg, this is our new show.

Grab the popcorn from my purse.

You want cheddar cheese or kettle corn?

You know I can hear you, right?

Okay, this must be Jessica's office.

Oh, here, better put this on for the bit.

This was smuggled out of North Korea

by my great-grandfather in his great backside.

Oh, the classic tush cut.

Now remember, we're detectives.

We're like Cagney and the only guy I could get to come with me.

Hi.

You must be Max and Han.

I'm Jessica.

Thanks so much for coming in.

Oh, you guys are so super cute.

How does our cuteness compare to, say, a baby?

Wow, you're thinking ahead.

Or are you expecting a little one?

Ha, I've already got a little one.

What about you?

Making fun of my size is kind of our thing.

Like, making sweet love.

So I'm with child. Are you?

Actually, I'm--

So for the wedding,

I was thinking of a nature theme.

Something in the park, whimsical of course,

with lanterns and flowers, a big tent.

Oh, oh, really?

You want a big top, Pee-wee? Jessica was talking.

Sorry, dear.

The old ball and chain hates when I get a word in.

Sign me up for a lifetime.

Sorry, uh, I missed what you were saying

about having a baby.

We're not here to talk about me.

Let's talk about you and your affair.

Oh, I'm definitely gonna have one.

Thanks for texting, Caroline.

I've been a little lost since you made me quit my job with Ma.

Mostly 'cause I couldn't find the L train.

But I saw a guy kill a chicken.

I thought you and I could get together

and figure out your next career move,

which does not necessarily need to be forward.

No, I'm not going back to my ma's store

no matter how much I miss hiding in boxes

and scaring people.

Well, let's brainstorm on your next career move.

Hmm.

I've always wanted to be a model.

I've been told I look great with my pants down.

You are more than just a body.

Hmm, sometimes I'm not so sure.

Hey, what about working here?

How hard can it be? You do it.

Actually, this job requires a lot--

You don't have to talk me into it.

I'll do it.

Give me the Frisbee with the drinks on it.

Okay, I guess you could help out until Max gets back.

Or until someone gets hurt, probably me.

As magic hour descends over the city,

Max and I will retire to the honeymoon suite

where she carries me over the threshold.

Excited for what's to come.

Well, it's not gonna be either of us.

So, uh, back to you, Jess.

Ooh, the party favors could be little compasses

that lead you to your table.

Or to a waiting escape boat.

Are you sure you two are right for each other?

Are you kidding?

I am obsessed with him.

We're two people madly in love. Right, Max?

Bring those lips over here and...

don't forget to invite your tongue to the party.

Oh, I'm sure she can see we're in love

without having to put our mouths on each other.

Please.

She's shy. Once she starts,

it's hard to put the snake back in the can.

Could you feel the heat from where you are?

Are you wearing lip gloss?

Listen, I've been down this road before.

With a stroller?

I'm just asking because that's how I push him around.

This wedding isn't making it to the banquet hall.

I don't even think it's making it to the car.

-You two should go. -Ah.

You're moody.

Uh, are you pregnant?

Meh?

Are you sure you want the flantinis?

Little tip, go buy yourself a tub of Breyers

and a bottle of vodka and save yourself 30 bucks.

Okay, let's go back over this.

The job of a waitress is to get people to buy things here.

Also you're standing on my feet right now.

Are you sure? Because I don't feel anything.

Gosh, you know what? Denise is my favorite character.

I bet you she looks like a million bucks

with her pants down.

You know who looks like 2 million bucks

with her skirt around her ankles?

How--how--

How did I get so lucky?

There she is,

my big shot daughter who doesn't need me anymore.

And the woman who keeps taking my babies from me.

I'm getting a drink.

Oh, great, now they're all working here.

Denise called my ma to brag about her new job

at your dessert bar.

Bobby, I know you said not to get involved,

but I wanted to end our fight.

Also, I think your sister may have broken my pinky toe.

Oh, that's my fault.

I didn't teach you the stop sign when she gets too close.

Am I too close?

FYI, Ma, it's going great here.

Well, if things are going so great,

why don't you get your own place

and start toasting your own waffles in the morning?

Maybe I will.

Maybe I'll move in with Caroline,

and she can teach me how to use her toaster oven.

We actually have a pretty small place,

and our toaster oven is being used

as a tanning bed for mice.

Oleg texted me this show was good.

I just finished The Walking Dead.

It hit a little too close to home.

Yeah, have a seat.

The crazy mom just showed up.

And the hot sister is yelling at her.

Caroline!

I'm not being negative, but Bobby's a dirtbag.

I'm 100% sure he has, had,

or is going to have a baby with Jessica.

And I'm 100% sure I'm gonna have a cold sore in the morning.

Baby? What's going on?

Bobby, what is going on?

This really is the golden age of TV.

Max, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about the text I saw on your phone

from Jessica about your baby.

What are you doing with my phone?

Bobby, do you have a baby with Jessica?

Bobby, you have a baby with Jessica?

That takes the sting out of losing Denise.

A baby? I don't have a--oh.

Oh, wait. I have a cat.

A cat named Baby with Jessica.

Ohh.

Ohhh.

So what's happening around here?

Why didn't you just ask me?

Because I was respecting your boundaries,

which is why I stole your phone.

Makes sense.

Her friend here forced my daughter

to abandon the family's business.

Neither one of them knows about boundaries.

I'm throwing these small glasses away.

They're stupid.

Well, I'm pretty upset myself.

I wasted $20 on the domain name MaxAndHansWedding.com.

We're not really getting married!

We only went to see Jessica to find out

if she had a baby with Bobby, you boobie.

You went to see Jessica?

Seems like everyone's in a fight except for me and Bobby.

Oh, no, we're fighting now.

I saw that text on Bobby's phone,

and I didn't want you getting hurt.

The only person who got hurt was me.

I kissed Han on the lips.

Ohhh.

Max, you stalked his ex-girlfriend without me?

Pretty shady move by your friend, Caroline.

We may want to think about finding another roommate.

Okay, that's enough.

Denise, you need to go back and work for Ma,

and not only because that's the only job

you're capable of doing,

but also 'cause Ma's lost without you.

And, Max, you need to trust

that I'm not like every other dirtbag.

And, Caroline, when two people love each other,

they're gonna fight.

Are the two people that love each other us?

Don't get bullied into anything, Bobby.

Of course I'm talking about us.

I love you, Caroline.

I love you, too.

Great.

Two white people falling in love.

You don't ever see that on TV.

You know what, Ma? This place is dumb.

I'll come back and work at Mail Boxes and Other Things.

You know what?

You're the other thing.

Come here.

Oleg, get the butt wipes out of my bag.

This is a real tear-jerker.

My second favorite kind of jerker.

I should get going, too.

I gotta check some text messages.

And why is my screensaver a shirtless Vin Diesel?

You're welcome.

You know trust is hard for me.

That's why I got kicked out of Cirque du Soleil.

You're the first person in my life I can actually count on.

Be so great if they made out right now.

You were the first person I could count on, too.

I love you, Max.

Okay, we're not there yet.