Original subtitles

I know I've been talking about Bobby all morning,

but another thing I love about Bobby is,

he just gets me.

Can he come get you right now?

Last night, I gave Bobby a little neck action.

Neck action? Oh, racy!

What's next, you gonna lift up your skirt

and show him your knees?

Maybe.

Hey, Caroline, wait up!

Hide me, Max.

Bobby hasn't seen me

in my waitress uniform, or my right profile.

It hasn't been easy.

What is wrong with our uniform?

I call her Carrie

'cause she's got a little pig's blood on her

and she can't be destroyed by fire.

Morning, beautiful.

I got you a macchiato.

And a supportive round of applause

when I told them the name was Caroline.

Bobby, you are so sweet.

This has skim milk, right?

Oh, whatever!

Uh, why are you using Max as a human shield?

Oh, don't worry. I'm used to it.

It's how my mom robbed all those Carvels in the '90s.

I should get going.

So...group hug?

I'm still trying to figure out

where to take you on our third date.

I want it to be special.

Also, I'm either caught on Max's button

or she has a tiny, round penis.

Might want to get that jacket tested.

I'll see ya.

Third date?

You know what that means, don't you?

Going by my last third date,

he comes out of the closet,

and we still date for two years.

No!

It means more neck action, just lower.

Your between-legs neck.

You're an adult, Max.

It's called a noony-noo.

And I thought sex was on the tenth date,

after he accidentally says, "I love you."

Everybody knows the third date means sex.

And the fourth date means he gets oddly distant

and crazy busy at work.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Hey, Earl, how's it hanging?

Lower than anyone will tell you, Max.

I thought a snake followed me into the bathroom this morning.

What's up with you girls?

Oh, Caroline is going on a third date.

Oh, some between-legs neck action is on.

I am really not familiar with this phrase.

And I'm pretty sure this whole "third date sex" rule

isn't really a thing.

Waiting until the third date for sex?

What are you, a nun?

Hey, everybody!

Oh, all right.

Don't talk to Baby Barbara. We're in a fight.

She thought that the Fifty Shades book

was better than the movie.

Sophie, have you ever heard that you're supposed to

have sex on the third date?

Oh, that's a nun thing, right?

I am so glad I don't have to deal with

this kind of stuff anymore.

I am officially retired from sex.

Not sure how many of you have heard the news,

but not sure how many of you read "Juggs."

It got too political.

That's why I turned to "Cans."

Max, what are you talking about?

You can't retire from sex.

It's your thing, like Cheetos

or zeroing in on people's vulnerabilities.

What? Sorry, I was distracted by your nose pimple.

I just feel like I need to get out of the game.

I had a good run, just ask

literally anybody.

But now it's your turn.

Well, when one pair of legs closes,

another one opens.

Yeah, that's what Polish Oprah says.

And you get hanged if you disagree with her.

Yep.

Max, it doesn't take a genius--

although my Facebook IQ test says I qualify as one--

to know that this whole retirement thing

is about your breakup with Randy.

It also said you had 362 friends.

And we all know you barely have one.

This has nothing to do with Randy.

My sex throne is yours now.

I would maybe put a towel down.

Max, you can't get out of the game

just when I'm getting back in.

I wanted us to have sex together.

Well, clear up that nose zit, and we'll talk.

Speaking of nose zits.

Han, Max is about to give up sex.

Tell her how bad life is without it.

It's actually quite rich.

I was just saying to Mossimo down at the boccie court--

Thank you! I rest my case.

And tomorrow I'm taking golf lessons

thanks to our community board.

Apparently, I don't meet the weight minimum

for Krav Maga.

You know what? I'll go with you.

Retired people love golf.

Just like you lesbians.

Welcome to the club.

Oh, look, we just made a golf pun.

This is gonna be fun!

I hope to God you know what you're doing.

If I am gonna have sex with Bobby, I need new underwear.

My current pair has more holes than the plot of Arrival.

So you came here?

There's no lube aisle.

None of the mannequins are doing each other.

This is a classy lingerie store,

not Second-Hand Hose.

I got kicked out of there.

I ate a pair of edible underwear

and I put the box back on the shelf.

Ladies, I'm Rita. Welcome to the Art of Seduction,

where seduction begins with--

A shot of tequila

and ends with a shot of penicillin?

Not what I was going to say at all.

What can I help you ladies with?

Uh, she has a third date situation happening.

Do you have anything that says "Grand Reopening"?

I want to be naughty.

But I get cold.

I found your shoelace section, but where is the underwear?

That is underwear,

and you're holding it backwards.

Oh, sure, I see it now.

Let's go to Target.

And, uh, what about you?

Any third dates coming up?

Actually, no.

I am retired, sexually.

Took the sock off the door and now I'm wearing it.

Come on, Max, we both know you're not

really retired from sex.

We are two young, sexual beings.

Where are you supposed to wear this?

That's a purse.

Uh, if I'm not retired,

then why did Larry Flynt send me a gold watch,

thanking me for my 20 years of cervix.

How about this teddy?

I just need simple underwear.

I was a nice presentation for my noony-noo.

Look, it doesn't matter what you wear.

With a body like yours, it's not gonna be on long.

Ah, see, Max? She likes my body.

Tastes have changed since I got out of the game.

And these panties are great to bounce in.

The frills on the back really accentuate the twerk

when you're doing the Swingin' Linda.

Linda

must have a bunch of back problems.

Oh, my God. Do I have to do that?

Whatever happened to lying down?

That's a guy's job now.

Skanks like us ruined that for you.

She's not wrong, but

I teach a burlesque class around the corner.

You should come.

It can, uh, really help you get in touch with your body.

Oh, it's okay, I'm already

very in touch with my body.

Oh, yeah. She's real in touch.

This one's keeping Duracell in business.

Max, I wish you had gotten something at the lingerie store.

That saddle looked really good under you.

Most things do.

Did! I'm retired!

We both know your retirement isn't gonna last.

You're like The Rolling Stones,

but with more of your own blood.

Oh...

really?

Do I look like someone who will

ever have sex again?

Clothes jinx!

It's like looking in a funhouse mirror.

Without the fun.

I just came by to say our tee time is tomorrow at 1:00.

We're in a foursome with Mitch and Bill.

Whatever you do, don't mention the Gulf War in front of Mitch.

Even when you say "golf," really hit the O.

Max, come on, don't you want to unretire

and have a real foursome again?

Like you used to, on my bed,

while I'm trying to read?

I like this sexless existence.

I don't know what you've been complaining about.

And besides, I can finally let myself go,

hygenital-ly.

So because you got hurt by Randy,

you're never gonna have sex again?

No, I'm never having sex again

because I have no idea how to take off these pants.

-Hey. -Whoa--Bobby!

What are you doing here?

I couldn't wait till tomorrow night to see you.

I got this from a gay wedding; they were throwing them out

'cause they were the wrong shade of red.

My God, this is just like The Bachelor.

Except I'm not getting HPV from a lagoon.

Hey, don't worry, Max. I didn't forget you.

My scratch-offs!

The grooms were throwing those out instead of rice.

Well, that's going on my Pinterest.

So tomorrow night's our big third date.

That's what people keep telling me.

I've got something real special planned.

It's exotic.

I think you'll be very impressed.

Oh, I'm sure I will be,

but it takes me a little while,

and I'm quiet when I am.

Hey, don't worry.

I'll do all the work.

Well, I'll pitch in a little.

It's gonna be big.

See you tomorrow night.

Big and exotic? What is it, a parrot?

If it's a cockatiel, then I'm back in the game.

At least I have that really sexy underwear.

Hey, girls. I heard the word "underwear."

Hey.

Some old lady left her panties back here.

Oleg, those aren't old lady panties,

they're mine.

Are you bringing them to an old lady?

Perhaps this gentleman's wife?

Oleg, these are sexy.

What makes you a panty expert?

Besides my official license plate

from the state of arousal

and my degree from Idu U?

Nothing.

I have to go to that burlesque class.

I don't know, you should see if

they have night classes at Idu U.

How are you gonna dance in those golf clothes?

How are you gonna dance

looking like a slutty poodle?

Let's just pick out our props.

I've been sanitizing for this all morning.

I was once dropped into a lake in a trunk just like this.

Those dock goons did not expect to see this gal again.

Ooh, feather boa!

I haven't worn something with feathers

since that pigeon flew into our fan.

I brought this from home.

I got it on my third Carnival Cruise.

Oh, let her have it!

Girl's going on a third date.

Ooh, that's a gay first date.

My first date was a Hall & Oates concert.

Yes, I'm old.

Welcome, everyone!

Let's get started. It's time to get sexy!

Yep, according to my "Hustler" watch,

it's 11:69.

Can't be right. Feels earlier.

Hey, girls. Oh.

I was screaming at you

for three blocks to wait up.

But then sidewalk Caroline turned out to be a lamppost.

Sophie, what are you doing here?

Well, I saw the card on the board in the diner,

and I wanted to spice up Oleg and my sex life.

Yeah, I mean, we haven't done it in front of

The Today Show window in weeks.

I can't believe they didn't

cut away when Matt Lauer threw up.

Last time I did it, you could

still bring cocaine in your carry-on.

In this class, we are going to go deep

and unleash our sexual goddesses.

Mine got me kicked out of the army.

They asked; I told.

Let's dive in!

Everybody get behind your chairs.

I'm gonna show you the routine and then I'll break it down.

I'm so excited.

I'm about to lose control

and I think I like it!

It's not even my birthday

But he want to lick the icing off

I know you want it in the worst way

Can't wait to blow my candles out

He want that cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake

It's not even my birthday but--

You know what?

I don't need to have sex.

I'll just play golf with you.

Uh, I play golf to get away from my wife.

Well, I'm exhausted.

I need a nap.

After I dance is when we usually lose most of the class.

Now, before I teach you the actual moves,

I want you to just feel your body

and let it go.

Who wants to give it a shot?

Oh, I do! I do!

I want to put the "ass" in "class."

Sophie, if I wanted to see your ass,

I'd get up early and watch The Today Show.

Baby, baby, baby

It's not even my birthday

But he want to lick the icing off

I know you want it in the worst way

Can't wait to blow my candles out

I'm stuck, but you know what?

I swear to God, I can make it work.

It's not even my birthday

But he want to lick the icing off

I'm, uh, scared to ask this,

but who's next?

Is it okay if I try?

That was probably the only act I could follow.

Go, girl!

Baby, baby, baby

It's not even my birthday

But he want to lick the icing off

I know you want it in the worst way

Can't wait to blow my candles out

He want that cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake

It's not even my birthday

I didn't think these pants came with a boner.

I don't know where that came from.

You know how they say the rhythm is gonna get you?

It got me!

Well, I gotta go.

It's ass past two.

Well, your ass isn't getting past me.

Ooh, now that I can dance,

I'm sassy too.

Let's tease. And tease.

Did I do that? Did I do that?

And tease. And tease.

I did do that. I did do that.

And pump. And grind.

And pump. And grind.

Wink.

That's how I got to this country.

Except I was also rowing.

Why aren't you participating?

Like I told that guy in sweatpants last week,

you can't just sit here and watch.

Well, unlike that guy,

my days of sexy moves are behind me.

From now on, the only balls I'll be smacking

are on the golf course.

You're really gonna give up on who you are

because of Randy?

She went through a breakup,

and she swore off sex,

and I'm worried maybe deodorant.

Oh, yeah, that's

probably my bag of dirty diapers in my purse.

I'm putting them in my baby book.

This is what this class is all about.

Taking all that pain and anger

and making it sexy.

I thought this was about making my booty clap.

We'll get there, Gavin.

So tell me about this guy, Randy.

Uh, there's nothing to say.

It's not about him.

Are you sure?

Did he

bring you down low?

Oh, sure he did. Real low.

Shake you up?

All shook up.

Hey, get your ass out of my face, razor hips.

Did he

spin you around

and slide right out of your life?

Like a greasy McNugget!

Show me that nugget.

I would, but I can't

take these pants off.

Max, come on.

You can't let one bad experience ruin everything.

Otherwise, I'd never use our bath mat again.

It's hot for no reason.

Yeah, I'm double parked! Come on, dance already!

Fine! If it will get me out of here.

It's not even my birthday

But he want to lick the icing off

That's right, get it out there!

Bump, bump! Grind, grind!

Duck, duck, goose! Wink!

Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake

Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake

Ooh, yeah, bounce, baby, bounce!

God, this is so real!

I know you want it in the worst way

Okay! Fine!

Maybe I am shut down 'cause of Randy.

See, you needed to get that out. Do you feel better?

No, I got a splinter in my face.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have a golf lesson to get to.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, Max out.

She won't tell anyone

she learned those moves here, will she?

I was the best, right?

Because it matters to me.

Hide your husbands. Hide your wives.

Max is back.

I'm out of retirement

and these pants, as soon as I can get them off.

Oh, my God, you slept with Han?

Let me find that machete you gave me

in case this ever happened.

No, she slept with our golf pro.

Once again, I was left holding my putter.

Yep, I'm back, and I have the grass stains

on my head to prove it.

See? That class helped everyone.

Except Sophie-- by the time I left,

she had three more chairs on her.

Hey, everybody!

Brace yourself.

Sophie got sexified.

Baby, baby, baby

It's not even my birthday

But he want to lick the icing off

I know you want it in the worst way

Can't wait to blow my candles out

He want that cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake

Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake

Oh, my God.

Between those moves and that sexy neck brace,

it's too much for me to take.

This is what I get for telling that genie

I wanted to live to be 100.

Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake

Cake, cake, cake

It's not even my birthday

But he want to lick the icing off

Sophie...

could I see you in the walk-in freezer?

And if you don't mind, could you add a limp?

Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake

It's not even my birthday

You know what the sexiest thing about it is?

The limp is real.

Hey, buddy.

-Hey. -What's going on, man?

Bobby!

Hey, I was just on my lunch break,

thought I'd stop by and almost see you.

Well, it was nice dating you.

This is my uniform. I know, it's...

Hot. Really, really hot.

You look like a sexy pencil.

But I bought all this really sexy,

very zipper-heavy underwear to wear on our third date.

Why would I see your underwear on our third date?

Doesn't that happen on the tenth?

That's what I said!

You people are animals!

But what was all that talk about

our date being big and exotic?

I was gonna take you to this Moroccan place.

They don't have chairs. We sit on pillows.

That is exotic.

You might want to hold off on the sex.

You two might be related.