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1
00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:04,372
Max, we're back.
2
00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:05,373
Aw, that sucks.
3
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:07,741
This place didn't burn down
while we were gone,
4
00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:10,378
like I had hoped.
5
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:14,315
The night is young, and I have
a Roman candle in my pocket.
6
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,550
Hi, welcome to
the Williamsburg diner.
7
00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:17,651
Table for two?
8
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,253
Don't be silly, Earl.
9
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:20,554
It's us, Max and Caroline.
10
00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:23,624
And I'm Earl.
Smoking or nonsmoking?
11
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,827
Glad to have you back.
12
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,329
Max and Caroline!
13
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,298
You're back from your road trip.
14
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:33,267
And right on time
for yesterday's shift.
15
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,203
We're also not working today.
16
00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:36,570
Tomorrow's not great either.
17
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:40,308
Ugh, thank God you're back.
18
00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:44,412
Besides Han, there hasn't been
a girl in here in days, and...
19
00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:46,714
she's not my type.
20
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:47,715
What is your type?
21
00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:50,184
Hepatitis A, B, or C?
22
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:54,222
So what did you bring us?
23
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:56,357
Uh, you guys don't understand.
24
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,192
We got kicked off a riverboat,
25
00:00:58,226 --> 00:00:59,693
almost crashed a plane,
26
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,429
and lost everything we own.
27
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:03,664
Honestly, it's a miracle
we're alive.
28
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,200
So...no gifts?
29
00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:09,737
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
30
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:15,809
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
31
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:20,781
Let's get to the dessert bar
32
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:22,316
so we can see the work they did.
33
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:23,751
Also so people don't think
34
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:25,319
we're customers here.
35
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:26,887
I'm excited to see it too,
36
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,722
and now that Randy and I
are really over,
37
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:32,460
I promise to give
the dessert bar my full 5%.
38
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:34,528
Make it 6%.
39
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:36,597
I mean, what else
am I gonna do, hmm?
40
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:39,167
Stop.
41
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,703
Oleg, stop blocking the door.
42
00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:43,904
We're not on a date with you.
43
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,140
We want to see the dessert bar.
44
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:47,141
Eh, sure,
45
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:48,709
but before you go in there,
46
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:50,278
do you want to see
a cute picture
47
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,380
of me, Sophie, and baby Barbara?
48
00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:53,814
Sure.
49
00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,719
You didn't say it was
in the bathtub.
50
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,156
Well, now that you're annoyed
51
00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,657
and hopefully
a little impressed...
52
00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:04,558
Mm-mm.
53
00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:05,459
I can tell you
54
00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:06,760
I had to fire your contractor.
55
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:07,828
What?
56
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,263
I thought I could do
a better job.
57
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:10,631
- What?
- I couldn't.
58
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,235
I can't believe Oleg!
59
00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:16,170
How the hell could he let
a complete stranger...
60
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:20,374
Do such an amazing job?
61
00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:21,642
Wow.
62
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,544
Wait, we're still killing Oleg,
though, right?
63
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:26,146
'Cause the wheels are already
in motion.
64
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:28,849
Oh, my God, look at the doors.
65
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:30,718
And the molding?
66
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,953
And the sconces?
67
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,822
I don't remember
what an orgasm is like,
68
00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:36,890
but I think I might be
having one.
69
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,459
Hey, girls.
70
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:39,927
Welcome home.
71
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,764
Baby Barbara thought
you were dead.
72
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:45,866
Isn't that funny?
73
00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:49,437
Not "Vince Vaughn doing drama"
funny, but what is?
74
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:53,841
Wow, Barbara got so big
while we were gone.
75
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:56,710
Oh, shh!
76
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,646
You got to give her a break,
'cause she got
77
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:01,549
her Uncle Fatso's genes.
78
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,817
By the way, Sophie, thank you
for watching our horse
79
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:04,885
while we were gone.
80
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,454
He's my favorite roommate.
81
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:07,788
Aww, well, you know what,
82
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,357
that's what friends are for.
83
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:11,692
And I'm sure you would
do the same for me
84
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,394
if I needed a favor.
85
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:15,963
-Of course we would.
-Good, 'cause I need a favor.
86
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:17,498
Yeah, see,
87
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,501
I joined this mommy
support group, you know,
88
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:23,571
to make sure that I'm holding
the baby up right,
89
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,005
or you know,
90
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,907
that I don't get too jealous
91
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,310
when people compliment her.
92
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,880
The standard mom stuff.
93
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,415
So what's the favor?
94
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,450
I'll do anything up to
a Class B felony.
95
00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:37,885
I still have one strike left.
96
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:40,321
Well, I'm hosting,
97
00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:42,923
and there are gonna be a lot
of sloppy babies there,
98
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:46,894
so I'm looking for a real dump.
99
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:49,597
Can I use your place?
100
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,432
-Aww.
-Sophie, I don't think--
101
00:03:51,465 --> 00:03:53,667
Thank you, girls.
102
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,002
Yeah, you're the best,
103
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:58,706
no matter what baby Barbara
tells her friends.
104
00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:03,777
I thought Barbara liked me.
105
00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:05,546
I'm gonna text her.
106
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,050
Oh, hey.
I'm Bobby.
107
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,485
I did the work on your bar.
108
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:14,021
You must be Max and Caroline.
109
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:17,358
I'm Maroline, and this is Cax.
110
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,428
-I mean--
-Yeah, let's just move past it.
111
00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:22,363
Uh, we're who you said.
112
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,497
Well, I hope you like it.
113
00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:24,498
The only guidance I got
114
00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:25,599
was from your friend Oleg,
115
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:27,535
who just kept saying "sluttier."
116
00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:30,438
And then he showed me
a picture of him in the bathtub.
117
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:34,041
You did an amazing job.
118
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,009
I mean, what you did
with those knobs.
119
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:38,546
Polished brass.
120
00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:41,382
Looks like you want to
polish his brass.
121
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:43,917
And how do you like the satin
on the sconces?
122
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,886
Oh, my God.
123
00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:47,755
My knees are wiggling.
124
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:48,756
You like that?
125
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,525
-And the finish on the molding?
-Oh, love it!
126
00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,894
I think she's about to finish
on the molding.
127
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,665
You're the only man
who knew what I wanted
128
00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:59,400
without me having to tell him
three times
129
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,068
and then give up.
130
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,336
Hey, great.
131
00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:03,804
I'll tell the boss you liked it.
132
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,773
"Bobby, you did it again."
133
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:06,974
In case you missed it,
I'm the boss.
134
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:10,511
See, 'cause he's the boss,
135
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,680
so he was telling himself.
136
00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:15,416
It's too many levels for her.
137
00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,418
Hey, um, listen,
I should probably get going,
138
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,787
but if you need anything else,
139
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:20,888
you can call me.
140
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:23,424
Or my boss.
Anytime.
141
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:26,860
Well, I might just have to
call you both.
142
00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:28,529
Ciao!
143
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,533
"Ciao"?
144
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,568
Unless you're gonna say "mein"
after that,
145
00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:36,437
I don't know what
you're talking about.
146
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,071
He's really cute.
147
00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:39,773
Oh, you think so?
148
00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,742
You were playing it pretty cool,
Maroline.
149
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:49,950
Ooh, oops.
150
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:51,452
Oh, don't worry,
151
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:52,853
you can ruin everything in here.
152
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:53,954
I don't care.
153
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,057
I do.
154
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,693
I just scrubbed the couch.
155
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:02,863
How much longer
do we have to stay in here?
156
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:06,099
Caroline's talking about
a third grade field trip.
157
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:09,570
I got lost in Toronto.
158
00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:11,405
Girls, ignore them.
159
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:13,106
Society does.
160
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,141
Yeah.
161
00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:17,010
Uh, so where are your babies?
162
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,178
Out parking the car?
163
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,950
See, I don't let Barbara
drive yet.
164
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,752
Should I?
165
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,188
We don't bring 'em
to the meetings.
166
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:29,623
They ruin everything.
167
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:31,124
Starting with our vaginas.
168
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,626
Oh, yeah,
169
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:33,894
my husband ruined mine
170
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:34,962
on my first date.
171
00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:40,501
See--well, see, I thought
172
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,736
that a mother's group,
you know, you--
173
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:44,505
you talk about your babies.
174
00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:46,940
Wouldn't they love that?
175
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,542
No, this is for us to--
176
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,844
to trade pills and get trashed
177
00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:53,914
and fantasize about
Gone Girl-ing our husbands.
178
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:57,951
Oh, my God,
I'm doing everything wrong.
179
00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:01,889
Yeah, just like the '84 Olympics
all over again.
180
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:05,593
What's up, sluts?
181
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,195
Ugh, there's a baby here?
182
00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:09,463
If I weren't already stoned,
183
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:12,666
I'd drive somewhere else.
184
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,234
My bad.
185
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,603
Yeah, see,
186
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,538
I thought we were gonna
187
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,473
compare notes on bedtimes
188
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,509
and how asleep a baby has to be
189
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,210
to have sex in front of it.
190
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:26,814
You have sex
with your trainer too?
191
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:29,016
Should I?
192
00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:34,688
Seeing what you girls did
to the dessert bar
193
00:07:34,722 --> 00:07:38,025
inspired me to make
some improvements around here.
194
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:39,159
Don't tell me you found a way
195
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,028
to unstick the menus
from the tables.
196
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:44,197
Whoa, one step at a time.
197
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:46,500
I did give this place
more of a facelift
198
00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:49,503
than Brad Pitt in preparation
for the movie Allied.
199
00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:52,205
Yeah, Han, this place
looks exactly the same.
200
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:55,008
My suicide note is still
scrawled on the wall.
201
00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:58,812
Yeah, it looks like the same old
post office to me.
202
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:01,114
It's not a freakin' post office!
203
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:05,586
Max, we should really
get over to the dessert bar.
204
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:08,789
Bobby's on his way to look
at those gorgeous sconces
205
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,257
I am very unhappy with.
206
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:12,593
Why do you have to use
the dessert bar
207
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:13,861
as an excuse to see him?
208
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,195
If you like him,
why don't you just say,
209
00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:17,531
"Hey, you're cute.
Want to see my horse?"
210
00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:20,968
Because a lady
waits for a gentleman
211
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,603
to ask to see her horse.
212
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:24,738
I don't know what ladies
you're hanging out with.
213
00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:26,607
Apparently none.
214
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,175
Ooh!
215
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:29,543
Bobby's at the dessert bar.
216
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:30,911
Let me just change
into something
217
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,079
a little more comfortable.
218
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,214
Why are you making this
so complicated?
219
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,149
Why don't you just say,
"Let's get drinks
220
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,051
to make the sex less awkward?"
221
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,856
Or you could do that.
222
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:50,163
Oh, hi, Bobby, I forgot
you were stopping by.
223
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:54,067
She thought she was hosting
Wheel of Fortune in here.
224
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,637
I'd buy a vowel from her.
225
00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:59,139
Well, it would be two As.
226
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:01,942
Uh...
227
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,777
oh, uh, what did you want
to show me?
228
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:06,580
Apparently a little side boob.
229
00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:07,648
This sconce.
230
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,049
I noticed that if I put
231
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,719
all the force of my body
against it,
232
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:12,753
it moves a little.
233
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,788
See?
234
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:18,926
Ugh, I--
235
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:20,160
I must have jammed it into place
236
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:22,329
while I was testing
its virility.
237
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,031
I mean, stability.
238
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,199
Ooh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
239
00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:31,071
See?
Told you it was loose.
240
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,306
I guess I have stick around
as long as it takes
241
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,608
until it's fixed.
242
00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:38,011
Oh, good, because
I wouldn't feel safe
243
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:41,348
pulling aggressively
on anything until you do.
244
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:42,950
Caroline!
245
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,785
We got to get to the hospital.
246
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:46,053
Oh, no, I'm fine.
247
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,220
Bobby caught me.
248
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,957
Not for you, Vanna Very White.
249
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:52,826
I just got a call saying Randy
was in an accident in Manhattan.
250
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,094
He must have been coming
to see me.
251
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,696
Just when I thought it was over,
252
00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:59,633
he ropes me back in with
a life-threatening emergency.
253
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:00,834
How bad is he?
254
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,402
Because these sconces
255
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,838
won't be able to wear this dress
again tomorrow.
256
00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:07,040
All I know is that it's serious,
and they called me
257
00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:08,942
'cause I'm the emergency contact
on his phone.
258
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:11,144
Okay. I'll be back
as fast as I can.
259
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,213
I'll work as slow as I can.
260
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,749
I won't tell your boss...
'cause he's the--
261
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,084
I get it.
Let's go.
262
00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:21,288
Oh, he's still alive.
263
00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:23,123
Oh, thank God his face
isn't hurt.
264
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:25,192
And--one, two, three,
four, five, six.
265
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:26,760
Yep, they're all there.
266
00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:29,129
Why is his shirt always off?
267
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:32,132
He's like Kirsten Dunst
in a dramatic role.
268
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,668
Well, I had to take
his shirt off, because--
269
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:37,705
well, 'cause you know,
he broke his leg.
270
00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:39,206
This is a private room.
271
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,741
You ladies can't be in here.
272
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,710
I'm his emergency contact, Max.
273
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,878
I'll take the rest
of his clothing off from here.
274
00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:46,279
And can you get me a straw
275
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:49,249
so we can share this
morphine drip mai tai style?
276
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:50,784
You girls have two minutes,
277
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,185
and remember,
this is a hospital,
278
00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:54,121
so no messing around.
279
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,989
Ooh, that's my coconut oil.
280
00:10:57,925 --> 00:10:59,059
Coconut oil?
281
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,828
Great, now he's edible.
282
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,295
Oh, my God, Max.
283
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:05,733
This is very
An Affair to Remember.
284
00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:08,001
I'm more of a Quickie to Forget
kind of girl.
285
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:11,438
No, that Randy came all the way
to New York to see you
286
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:13,273
and then got into
a tragic accident
287
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:16,043
and now here you are
at his bedside.
288
00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:18,979
Max, I don't want
to get ahead of myself,
289
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,081
but we might both
have boyfriends.
290
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:25,919
Double date dance?
291
00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:27,487
Max?
292
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,457
What are you doing here?
293
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:31,591
Where's my shirt?
294
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:34,461
When did Caroline start hosting
Wheel of Fortune?
295
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,496
Ah, that's what I said!
296
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,465
Um, I got the call
that you were hurt,
297
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:39,499
so I came right over,
298
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,500
and as for your shirt,
299
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:41,401
I think the nurses
300
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:44,471
are making a pillow husband
out of it.
301
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,874
Hi, Randy,
sorry you broke your leg,
302
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:47,908
but great news.
303
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:49,943
I like someone.
304
00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:51,078
Oh, that's right.
305
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:53,346
You're still
my emergency contact.
306
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,181
I'm sorry.
307
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:57,350
I never switched it back
to my trainer.
308
00:11:57,384 --> 00:12:00,187
What happened?
Was it a runaway hot dog cart?
309
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,955
Because that is
my worst nightmare...
310
00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:05,826
besides having my credit card
declined at Kohl's.
311
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:08,361
But I lived through it.
312
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,965
I got hit by a cab
on my way to JFK.
313
00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:13,000
You mean you got hit by a cab
314
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:15,102
on your way from JFK.
315
00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,770
You were in New York
to see me, right?
316
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:18,939
Track me down,
beg me to take you back,
317
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:21,141
pull my hair a little?
318
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,010
No, I was--I was leaving.
319
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,444
Leaving? But you hadn't--
320
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:25,312
Do you know what?
321
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:26,446
The accident must have
322
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:29,416
given him that
"to-and-from-lexia."
323
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,451
I think Whoopi Goldberg has it.
324
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:34,254
Time's up, ladies.
Patient needs a sponge bath.
325
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:36,556
He's got coconut oil
all over him.
326
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:37,958
Hey, Max, wait.
327
00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,860
She just got here.
Didn't she?
328
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:42,495
Told ya. He's got that
"come-and-go-heimers."
329
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:44,197
Whoopi writes all about it
in her book.
330
00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:46,533
It's very hard to follow.
331
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,542
Max, these are like pajamas
332
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:57,845
for couples
who don't care anymore.
333
00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:00,881
Speak for yourself.
334
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:03,817
These puppies care a lot.
335
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:05,552
Oh, good, they're all gone.
336
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:08,321
They left me zero room
to sign his cast.
337
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:09,923
I want to get back
to the dessert bar
338
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,191
while Bobby's still there
339
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:13,560
and possibly working up
a little sweat.
340
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,428
Go ahead.
I'll punch you out.
341
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:16,864
But if you keep leaving early,
342
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,031
they're gonna make you
work Christmas.
343
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:20,000
Nurse, we need
all hands on deck.
344
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,401
We've got a 41 in here,
345
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,070
and he's a squirter.
346
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,338
You--you're up, girl.
I had the last one.
347
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,215
"Dear Randy,
Nice ass.
348
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,316
Nurse Barb."
349
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:38,852
Well, that is good.
350
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:44,357
Max.
351
00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:47,961
I didn't wake you, did I?
352
00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:50,263
But now that you're up,
why are you in New York?
353
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:52,933
You said you were
on your way to the airport
354
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:54,134
when you got hurt?
355
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,203
I was.
356
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:58,605
So you weren't here to see me.
357
00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:01,574
No, I was trying not to see you.
358
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,476
Wow.
359
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:04,344
I'm leaving.
360
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:05,612
Max.
361
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:07,981
Ow.
362
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,549
You broke up with me.
363
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,252
That time over the phone?
364
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,521
You took that seriously?
That's insane.
365
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:18,391
The "This is a cry for
attention" was implied.
366
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:21,428
What I heard was,
"This isn't enough for me,"
367
00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:23,530
and since we can't make it work,
it just--it's--
368
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:24,998
it's too hard for me to see you.
369
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:26,433
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I heard what you said
370
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:28,501
on the movie set.
371
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:29,970
In Texas?
372
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:31,905
How'd you hear
what I said on set?
373
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,540
I was a zombie extra.
374
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:35,675
Grow up.
375
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,177
That was you.
376
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,179
Everyone said I was crazy
because I thought
377
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,114
I saw you and Caroline on set.
378
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:43,683
My therapist put me
on antidepressants.
379
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,218
Yeah, well, joke's on them,
380
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:46,920
'cause it really was me
hanging there.
381
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:48,221
Max, that's crazy.
382
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,990
Why didn't you say something
when you saw me?
383
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:51,925
Because you said
you were in a good place
384
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:54,127
and you want to move on,
blah, blah, blah.
385
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:55,528
And I don't want
to hurt you anymore.
386
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,631
But now I want to break
your other leg.
387
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:00,000
Max, look at us.
388
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,402
I ran to the airport
and got hit by a cab
389
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,170
trying to get out of here
390
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:05,272
because I was tempted
to see you.
391
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:09,476
And you broke into a hospital
not to steal drugs.
392
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:12,179
Maybe this relationship
is bad for us.
393
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:15,715
There's just so much squirt!
394
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,952
Definitely for Caroline.
395
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:23,523
I miss you.
396
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,192
I miss you too.
397
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:28,561
Then let's stop being crazy.
398
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:29,629
Move to LA.
399
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:32,299
You know, six years ago,
400
00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:34,201
I would've done that
in a heartbeat.
401
00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:36,603
I would've thrown
my bubblegum cigs
402
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:38,438
and my nunchucks
in a Safeway bag
403
00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:40,440
and been your lady.
404
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:43,143
But it's different now.
I'm different.
405
00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:44,277
I care about something,
406
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:48,748
and I have people
who count on me.
407
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,717
I've built a life here.
408
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:52,152
Damn it.
409
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:57,324
Max, you know I can't leave
my firm in LA.
410
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:02,562
So what happens now?
411
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:04,097
I think we kiss good-bye.
412
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,203
Mm-mm.
413
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:12,605
Hmm, I think that might
set us back.
414
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,474
I mean, you're already in a bed,
415
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,076
and these pants
come off real easy.
416
00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:17,244
I think you know that.
417
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,612
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
418
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:23,216
How about a hug?
419
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:24,617
Hmm.
420
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,620
You really trust yourself
against the girls?
421
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:31,124
Not even remotely.
422
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,225
How about a handshake?
423
00:16:32,259 --> 00:16:34,227
There's nothing less sexual.
424
00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:36,329
Okay, but two pumps
and we're out.
425
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:39,066
I can't not make it sexual.
426
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:47,240
You smell nice.
427
00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:49,476
I've got a lot of jerky
in my pocket.
428
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:53,313
Good news is,
429
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,782
I saved a man's life.
430
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:57,384
Bad news is,
431
00:16:57,417 --> 00:16:59,486
I left a ring inside him.
432
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:05,392
Here's your flan-tini
433
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:08,495
and a side of a bottle
of tequila.
434
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,631
Why are you so sad, Caroline?
435
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:15,602
I mean, she doesn't have kids.
436
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:17,137
Well, I did like this guy Bobby,
437
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,838
but then I had to go
with Max to see Randy,
438
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,540
and I got squirted on,
439
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,675
and I didn't get back in time
to see him and possibly
440
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,178
missed a chance
at a lifetime of happiness.
441
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:27,180
Too much talking
from the waitress.
442
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:31,551
Uh, ladies,
443
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:33,086
are all of the daddies
444
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,554
still in the picture?
445
00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:37,090
'Cause I can't shimmy
down a fire escape
446
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:38,791
like I used to.
447
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:40,193
That's so funny.
448
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,262
If my doorman drops out
of the rotation,
449
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:43,430
I'll give you a call.
450
00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:47,434
Uh, let me give you
my beeper number.
451
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,169
Yep!
452
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:52,605
I'm really having a blast
with my mom friends.
453
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:57,244
Do you have an aspirin,
or a sledgehammer?
454
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,112
Why do you want to hang out
with these ladies?
455
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:00,180
They're mean.
456
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,781
One of them tried to trip me.
457
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:05,118
Yeah, that was me.
458
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,753
Yeah, I--I was trying
to impress them.
459
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:09,322
Sophie, I wished my mom
cared enough about me
460
00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:10,890
to curl my baby eyelashes
461
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,559
like you do for Barbara.
462
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:13,460
Or just to intervene
463
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:16,463
when a neighborhood dog
took me away.
464
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:17,664
Sophie,
465
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,232
your text wasn't clear.
466
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:22,335
Should Barbara wear the leopard
onesie with the jean hat
467
00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,637
or the jean onesie
with the leopard hat?
468
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:27,640
Also, I can't find
any of her toe rings.
469
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:30,877
Sophie, are you secretly caring
for your baby
470
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:33,780
while we're having mom's group?
471
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:34,681
You know what?
472
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,283
Fine.
473
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:37,717
Fine, I love my kid.
474
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:39,686
Well, why don't you marry her?
475
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:42,422
Should I?
476
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,356
No.
477
00:18:43,390 --> 00:18:45,192
No, 'cause I'm a good mom,
478
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:48,361
and a good mom
doesn't marry her baby!
479
00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:50,897
At least not in this country.
480
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:52,632
Let's go, baby.
481
00:18:56,736 --> 00:19:00,573
Well, Meghan's dog walker gave
her some cat tranquilizers.
482
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:04,511
Why don't we go try those
in the Target parking lot?
483
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,479
Ugh, I can't wait to be a mom
484
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:09,816
so I can get
the good cat tranqs.
485
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:13,786
You know they didn't pay, right?
486
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,755
Hey, uh...
487
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:18,725
sorry to barge in, but I can't
stop thinking about--
488
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:20,427
Her boo-tay?
489
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:24,931
Uh, well, that table
is really unsteady.
490
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,199
If my boss knew,
491
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:27,300
I'd be furious.
492
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:28,968
I know, right?
493
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,403
I thought it was just me,
494
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:32,272
but I mean, look at it, I--
495
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,540
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
496
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:34,674
I mean...
497
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:37,410
Rock steady.
498
00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:39,779
Perfect, actually.
499
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:42,315
Damn it.
500
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:43,916
You can't think of anything else
that needs to be fixed?
501
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:46,219
No, and it's really annoying.
502
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:47,787
You know what else is annoying?
503
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,423
You two not jammin'.
504
00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:53,393
You like each other.
What's the problem?
505
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:54,561
-So you like me?
-Yeah.
506
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,296
-Okay, so I should call--
-Yes.
507
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,298
Good, 'cause I was this close
to calling my cousins
508
00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,533
to come in and tear
this place apart.
509
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,302
-I'm gonna call you.
-Ciao mein.
510
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:03,636
-What?
-Nothing.
511
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,408
Wow, look at you.
512
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:09,476
I'm gonna have to
put the brakes on that
513
00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:11,644
40-Year-Old-Virgin sequel.
514
00:20:11,678 --> 00:20:14,347
I'm sorry I'm happy
when you're not happy.
515
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,748
I am happy...
516
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:17,317
for you.
517
00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:18,851
I know you said you didn't
want to talk about it,
518
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,254
but why don't you just go to LA
to be with Randy?
519
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:24,724
I can't go to LA.
520
00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:27,627
I mean, there's too much
stuff here
521
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,462
they don't have there, like...
522
00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:31,298
the Statue of Liberty.
523
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:32,432
You know she's my girl.
524
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,867
You never want to go.
525
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,336
And she invited us
when she said,
526
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:37,870
"Bring us your poor."
527
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,607
Plus, where would I find weed
in California?
528
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,276
I mean, the list goes on and on.
529
00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:47,447
I wouldn't leave you either.
36263
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