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1
00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:03,204
Previously on 2 Broke Girls...
2
00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:06,374
Oh, no, Max! My wallet!
It's gone.
3
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:09,143
All of our cash and our
credit cards were in there.
4
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:11,445
I need to get to Texas
to see my boyfriend.
5
00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:13,781
There has got to be a way
we can work something out.
6
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:15,249
We'll do anything.
7
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,689
Just another lonely night
here in Texas...
8
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,457
with all my new best friends!
9
00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:25,159
Ha-ha!
10
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:28,096
I'm driving to Texas
if y'all want a ride.
11
00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:29,463
Shotgun! I'm sitting
12
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:30,164
next to RuPaul.
13
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:31,799
No. I'm sitting next to RuPaul!
14
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,670
All right.
15
00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:40,074
So, this is where Randy and the
other movie people are staying.
16
00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:43,043
He's been here. I smell abs.
17
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:46,147
Ugh, I smell us.
18
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,382
When did I have a hot dog?
19
00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:51,285
I shared one with you while you
were sleeping. You're welcome.
20
00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:53,421
Let's ask that clerk
if he's seen Randy,
21
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:56,324
and when the outdoor sprinklers
go on so we can freshen up.
22
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,628
Hi. How can I help you?
23
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,830
B-T-dubs, if you're going
for that tossled,
24
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:04,165
just-crawled-out-of-a-ditch
look,
25
00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:05,599
you nailed it.
26
00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:08,269
I'm not gonna ask
what you just crawled out of,
27
00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:10,204
because I'm too tired
to be mean.
28
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:14,342
So, Richie,
29
00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:16,110
my associate and I
would like to know
30
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,179
what room Randy Walsh is
staying in.
31
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:21,482
And I see you have a very strict
"no pets" policy.
32
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:24,318
Yes, Randy Walsh's room.
Of course.
33
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,120
Looks like he is
in room number...
34
00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:27,855
what hotel clerk in the world
would give out a guest's info
35
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:29,590
to two dusty randos?
36
00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:33,861
Um, I'm more
than just a dusty rando.
37
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:36,130
I'm his dusty ex-girlfriend.
38
00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:37,865
Also, well played.
39
00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:39,800
He has friend potential.
40
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:41,202
Not helpful friend.
41
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:43,504
Just "tell you
what not to wear" friend.
42
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:46,274
Well, it's still early,
so hopefully Randy hasn't left--
43
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:47,641
oh, my God, free cookies!
44
00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:50,678
And cucumber water!
45
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:52,313
With berries!
46
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,482
My nanny used to make me water
like this
47
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:57,351
before the town car would
take me to preschool.
48
00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:58,886
You had a town car?
49
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:00,788
My mom was called the town car.
50
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,490
She sat four comfortably.
51
00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:06,794
Can't believe I have to take
a van to set with other people.
52
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,762
I was in Speed.
53
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,698
You were on speed.
54
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,366
And you were in rehab.
55
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,767
And then I rebuilt your career,
56
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,736
and now you have to take a van.
57
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:18,639
Max, look! It's Randy.
58
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,309
And that guy from the
reverse mortgage commercials.
59
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:22,943
Ugh! Oh, God!
60
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,878
He can't see me all gross
like this.
61
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:26,380
I thought your grossness is
62
00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:27,915
one of the things
he likes about you.
63
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:31,219
Mm, it's complicated.
He likes me to start out clean.
64
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:37,825
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
65
00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:43,331
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
66
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,641
I am getting really good
67
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:56,210
at bathing in public restrooms.
68
00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:57,945
And I want it to end!
69
00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,681
Well, your hobo skills
are not complete.
70
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,416
You need to practice peeing
in an alley.
71
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:03,884
You're still splashing
on your shoes.
72
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,887
Now come on.
Let's go find Randy.
73
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,889
Fine.
Let's go ask that concierge
74
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:11,325
if he knows where it is.
75
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:12,526
Hey, remember us?
76
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,228
The dust bunnies from before?
77
00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:15,696
I know who you are.
78
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:18,766
I've been following you two
around with a wet vac.
79
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,668
Bit of an attitude
from someone who's got
80
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,736
two giant horns
coming out of his head.
81
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:27,708
You're bringing horny
to a whole new level.
82
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,910
Can you please tell us
where the movie set is?
83
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:32,313
Oh, of course. Absolutely.
No problem.
84
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,715
Just go out the lobby, make
a left on Main, then a right
85
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,585
on There's No Way In Hell
I'm Telling You That Street.
86
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:38,952
Uh, was that a left or a right
87
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,821
on No Way In Hell
I'm Telling You That Street?
88
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:43,991
Look. My friend came
all the way here
89
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,559
to surprise her boyfriend.
90
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,428
How would you feel
if someone stopped you
91
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,563
from seeing your boyfriend?
92
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,568
Excuse me? Boyfriend?
93
00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:56,036
I'm not gay.
94
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:59,707
This is Texas,
not the Flaming Saddles Saloon
95
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,543
on 9th Avenue and 52nd Street
in New York City.
96
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:07,281
Where you've definitely
never been.
97
00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:09,750
Please just leave my lobby,
all right?
98
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:11,352
There's enough sad wannabes
around here
99
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,386
with the extras casting...
100
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:13,554
which reminds me
101
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:16,056
I need to get to extras casting.
102
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,792
We don't need him, Max.
I have a great idea.
103
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:21,529
We'll get cast as extras
in Randy's movie.
104
00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:22,730
That way you can see him,
105
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:25,032
and audiences everywhere
can see me.
106
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:27,635
Ah, Caroline, that's genius!
107
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:28,969
While we're waiting,
I'll call Han
108
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:30,838
to check on the dessert bar's
progress.
109
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:35,809
Wow. I have an acting career
and I own a dessert bar.
110
00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:37,878
And to think just moments ago
111
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:41,815
I was tossing water
from a sink to my privates.
112
00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:44,952
Can you call it a whore's bath
if you never have sex?
113
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,723
Can you please tell them
to keep it down?
114
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,859
A simple "no" would've done.
115
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:54,562
You don't have to insult
my sweater!
116
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:58,366
And hello, Max.
117
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,936
There's more banging
going on in there
118
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,939
than season one of
The Affair.
119
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:09,643
It's really ruining the
fine dining ambiance in here.
120
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,645
What's that, doc?
121
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:14,682
Is it on my testicle
or just near it?
122
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,518
Come on!
123
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,855
And now they woke up Barbara.
124
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:25,092
And I don't have the DVD
of Amy Adams' last movie
125
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:27,828
to put her back to sleep.
126
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,798
That's the last straw.
I'm going over there.
127
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:34,502
I can't stand the sound
of a crying baby.
128
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:37,671
That's why I'm waiting
a couple years to have my own.
129
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:39,673
Hey! Oleg.
130
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:43,477
Come on. Your daughter just got
woken up with that heavy noise.
131
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:45,546
You should be going over there.
132
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,448
Uh, I'm kind of
in the middle of taking
133
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:51,985
a "Which Friends character
are you?" quiz.
134
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,455
Ross?
135
00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:58,125
Well, maybe you should be doing
some more manly things
136
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,661
so that when Barbara sees
your picture,
137
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,030
she doesn't say "Mama."
138
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:07,468
She calls me Mama?
139
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:08,802
I'm going over there.
140
00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:11,772
I'm not Mama.
I'm Dadushki!
141
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:15,075
You're being a da-douche-ski.
142
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:20,147
James jostled Gene gently.
143
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,715
James jostled Gene gently.
144
00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,050
James jostled Gene--
145
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,986
Somebody help.
I think my robot's broken.
146
00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,155
It's an acting exercise, Max.
147
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,723
It stretches out the mouth.
148
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:32,159
Uh, I think all those teeth
do the trick.
149
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,430
I just want to be prepared.
150
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:39,800
I mean, maybe I'm not
just on this journey for you.
151
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,536
Maybe I'm supposed to be
discovered as an actress.
152
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:45,739
Maybe something's
finally about me.
153
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:48,576
Everything is
always about you.
154
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:51,845
You call Christmas "The Day
Caroline Gets Presents."
155
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:56,750
And we're only auditioning so I
can get to the set to see Randy.
156
00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:57,985
Not for your acting career.
157
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,688
Also, you don't have
an acting career.
158
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,756
Well, shouldn't you
be practicing
159
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,492
what you're gonna say to Randy?
160
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:07,528
I mean, your original plan
to "jump dem bones"
161
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,196
might not fly on a movie set.
162
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:11,965
Hey! I got words.
163
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:15,202
I was thinking something
along the lines of,
164
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:18,038
"Howdy, Dude-y."
165
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:19,773
You know, 'cause we're in Texas
166
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:22,009
and he was kind of a doody
for blocking me.
167
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,679
Okay, extras, since this is
a zombie movie,
168
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:27,548
I'm gonna need to see you act
like zombies.
169
00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:30,751
But don't touch me. My entire
body's an erogenous zone.
170
00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:34,021
Zombies?
I didn't prepare for that.
171
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,824
You also didn't prepare for
being a celibate poor person,
172
00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:38,158
but you're knocking that
out of the park.
173
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,101
Excuse me, sir...
174
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,137
if that is your real name.
175
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,573
We're from the diner next door,
176
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:54,808
and you need
to keep the noise down.
177
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:56,076
It woke up a baby
178
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:58,211
and the man who lives
in booth two.
179
00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,213
Sorry for the loud noise.
180
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,750
If there's one thing
New York's known for,
181
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,084
it's quiet construction.
182
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:06,787
Listen. You may think you're
183
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,689
some sort of authority figure
184
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:10,724
with that tank top,
185
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:11,925
but you're not.
186
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:14,227
What you are is fired.
187
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:16,730
Was anyone recording that
for baby Barbara?
188
00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:20,133
Well, that escalated
rather quickly.
189
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:24,137
Take your gorgeous tank top
190
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,607
and get the hell out of here.
191
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,175
Fine. I don't need this.
192
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,744
My dance company got a grant
from Pfizer.
193
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:35,082
-Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
194
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,184
Not a door.
195
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,819
The girls are gonna kill me
196
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,722
if they get back and the
dessert bar isn't finished.
197
00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:43,123
Well, Oleg will do it.
198
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:45,225
He says he can nail anything.
199
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,295
I was talking
about Jersey skanks,
200
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,130
but sure, I'll give it a try.
201
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:55,335
You're in.
202
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,004
Go wait next to
the corpse extras.
203
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,171
Next.
204
00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,273
Hi. My name is
Caroline Channing,
205
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,309
and I will be singing "Hamilton"
206
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:05,078
from the musical
of the same name.
207
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,114
Hold off on that.
208
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:09,216
I'm not quite ready
to kill myself.
209
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:13,821
Are you sure you don't have
any non-zombie parts?
210
00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:15,055
Maybe a cheerleader?
211
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:17,224
Or a socialite
who lost all her money
212
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,593
but not her looks
or her will to succeed?
213
00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:21,829
But she has lost
everyone's interest.
214
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:23,330
Uh, fine.
215
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:26,566
Here we go with a zombie.
216
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:32,840
Here I come! I'm a zombie!
217
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,877
God, I want to go back
to casting commercials
218
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,211
for Applebee's.
219
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,247
You just have to be white
and a little fat.
220
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:47,054
Or I can do...
mow mow mow mow mow!
221
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:50,824
Not a zombie.
Not anything.
222
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:53,994
Hey, are those sodas
up for grabs?
223
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:54,995
Yeah.
224
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,264
Oh-ho! Root beer!
225
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:00,901
Now, that's a zombie!
226
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,136
Amazing walk and moan.
You're hired.
227
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:05,272
What?
228
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:06,940
But she's not an actor.
229
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:09,843
She can't even pretend
to laugh at my jokes.
230
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:13,847
You thought that was funny?
231
00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:15,749
No! Boo.
232
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:18,151
Bad news, Bon Bon:
I can't be in your movie today.
233
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:20,187
Carlos won't work my shift
at the desk.
234
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,022
We broke--
235
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,623
we had a fight.
236
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,199
Looks like you got the part.
237
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,935
Congratulations
on me running out of people.
238
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,269
All right, everyone on the van.
239
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,138
We got to get you
to set and makeup.
240
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,372
Oh, wait, Bonnie.
Am I going with,
241
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,841
"Here I come. I'm a zombie."
242
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:43,243
or "mow, mow, mow, mow,
mow, mow, mow, mow"?
243
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:46,646
They're both good.
244
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:57,157
Why do you get to be
a hot zombie?
245
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,793
I look like dead David Spade.
246
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,330
So, David Spade?
247
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:07,100
And I have this gross axe wound
in my neck.
248
00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:09,036
Oh, I thought that was
a second mouth.
249
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,104
I was worried it was gonna
start telling stories
250
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:13,206
about how rich it used to be.
251
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,843
I've been working
on my zombie's backstory.
252
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:17,477
She's a teacher named Jill
253
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,446
with an online gambling
addiction
254
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:22,950
and an interest in women
she's never acted on.
255
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:28,321
So, as your lawyer,
can you please stop asking me
256
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,190
for a drunk driver's license?
257
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,259
It's not a real thing.
258
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,327
Neither is a cocaine permit.
259
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,930
Oh, my God, it's Randy.
Hide! Hide!
260
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:39,132
Hide? Like Jill is doing
with her feelings
261
00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:40,700
for her neighbor Sarah?
262
00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:44,037
Will you run lines with me?
263
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:45,372
Sure.
264
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:47,307
You want to take it from,
"You can take my brains,
265
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:50,143
but you can't take my freedom"?
266
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:52,012
Max, we came all this way.
267
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,081
You can't just avoid him
forever.
268
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:57,050
He's not a Hulu original.
269
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,086
Just go tell him what you want.
270
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:00,353
And what do you want?
271
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,289
Are you planning
on moving to LA?
272
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:04,357
Because when this acting thing
takes off,
273
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:06,326
they'll want me
to live there, too.
274
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:07,394
Who's "they"?
275
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:09,462
Is "they" all of New York?
276
00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,531
Oi! Drop the brains,
277
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,266
you zombie scum!
278
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:17,838
Yeah, the script says
"brightly," not "British."
279
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:21,108
I mean, I can't move to LA.
280
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,977
We've worked too hard getting
the dessert bar to where it is.
281
00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:26,246
I can be happy with
the long-distance thing.
282
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:28,148
I mean, it's better
than nothing,
283
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,417
and I don't have
to shave as much.
284
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:33,120
Well, none of that's A-material,
285
00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:34,387
but it's how you feel,
286
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:37,024
so just go tell him
before he goes off again.
287
00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:39,492
I'm pushing you with my stub.
288
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,829
All right. All right.
I'm going.
289
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:46,099
Just to make sure
he recognizes me.
290
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:49,469
Here you are. You two wander off
more than my stepson's left eye.
291
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,104
You're late for your scene.
292
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:54,141
Um, I just need two minutes
with that guy who just left,
293
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,109
and a condom
if you have one on you.
294
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,545
What do I look like?
The sound guy?
295
00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,881
Uh, and I'm gonna need you
to zip that dress up.
296
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:01,949
This movie's PG.
297
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,416
All right, I'll zip up.
298
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,518
Guess you guys don't want
a sequel.
299
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,896
There. The door,
much like the man who put it up,
300
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:18,031
is well hung.
301
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:19,432
Have you ever done anything
302
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,935
without bringing up
your penis size?
303
00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:24,504
Sure. My driver's test.
304
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,173
Oh, wait. No.
305
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:29,609
Han, hey, just a heads up.
306
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:34,948
Man, there's literally no one
working in your diner right now.
307
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:37,484
And that's unusual how?
308
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:41,488
Well, since I don't have to be
at work, I am going on a break,
309
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:43,190
which means smoking a J
310
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:45,325
and taking a nap in the trunk
of my car.
311
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,062
He doesn't even have a car.
312
00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:58,872
How about that?
313
00:13:58,906 --> 00:14:00,340
Earl has superpowers.
314
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:02,609
The only superpowers he has
315
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:04,244
is that he's still alive.
316
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:06,846
Hey, what's going on here?
317
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:10,617
Fine.
The jig is up.
318
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:12,452
I can't hang a door.
319
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:14,621
Sophie, my daughter may think
I'm a mama,
320
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,924
but I don't want her to think
I'm a liar.
321
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:20,593
Ooh. This went from zero
to Lifetime pretty quickly.
322
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,562
I'm out.
323
00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:26,099
Oh, Oleg,
324
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,301
come on--
it doesn't matter
325
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:32,139
that you can't build anything
or protect us
326
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:34,474
or--or--or be a man.
327
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:38,645
What's really important
328
00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:41,148
is how much you love Barbara.
329
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:44,417
But she thinks I'm a mama.
330
00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:48,255
Well, she also thinks that
Danny Glover is the president.
331
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,458
Dadushki!
332
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:54,327
Oh, my gosh, Oleg,
did you hear that?
333
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:56,163
Yeah. You just said it.
334
00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:58,531
No. No, no, no.
It was Barbara.
335
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:01,368
Barbara just called you
Dadushki.
336
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,635
She did?
337
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,339
Papa.
338
00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:09,642
"Papa"? What the hell is that?
339
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:12,145
Eh, she's not very bright.
340
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:15,715
But thank God she's pretty
like her mamas.
341
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:25,058
Ugh, my gash is itchy.
342
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,094
You should see someone
about that.
343
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:30,097
Ugh! This is one of the
least comfortable harnesses
344
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,698
I've ever hung from.
345
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:35,002
On the upside, it's currently
rounding third base.
346
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,169
Jealous!
347
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:39,672
Oh, Richie!
How did you get here?
348
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,308
I thought you had to work.
349
00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:42,709
Not that acting isn't work.
350
00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:46,113
Just ask my fellow thespian,
Natalie Portman.
351
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,248
You look like a thespian
in that shirt.
352
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,350
Funny story:
I actually got here
353
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,752
on the None of Your Beeswax
Express.
354
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,387
Ha! He did it again.
355
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:56,456
Turns out it doesn't get old.
356
00:15:57,657 --> 00:16:00,493
Okay, zombies.
Three minutes till we shoot.
357
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:02,495
Let me see you wriggle
and moan.
358
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:05,265
Mow, mow, mow, mow.
359
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:08,635
Bonnie, am I moaning
because I am horrified
360
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:10,337
at what I've become?
361
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:13,240
Or because I'm in pain
from hanging on this meat hook?
362
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,644
She must be going
to ask the director.
363
00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:20,213
Here comes Randy.
How do I look?
364
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,583
Like a piece of meat.
365
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:24,684
I'll take it.
366
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,421
You were hilarious
in that last scene.
367
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:31,091
I think everybody's really happy
they didn't get Eddie Murphy.
368
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,625
Eddie Murphy?
369
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:35,662
I was wondering why I had to
play my whole family at dinner.
370
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,402
This is a comedy?
371
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,737
Well, it's a good thing
I'm so versatile.
372
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,140
I think I'll make Jill clumsy.
373
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,509
Ugh! Where'd they go?
374
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:53,080
Yeah, meditation has
totally changed me.
375
00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,447
I'm not as angry.
376
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:56,316
Hey! Don't look at me!
377
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,819
Yeah, you do seem calmer.
378
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,355
I wonder why they demanded
your lawyer be on set.
379
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,324
Dude, when we get back to LA,
380
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,558
there's someone I want
to set you up with.
381
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,827
Oh--I need to hear this.
Push me.
382
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:11,598
She's hot.
But I'm just not dating anyone
383
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,666
who drives a Prius right now.
384
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,302
I don't know.
385
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:16,836
I'm in a weird place
right now,
386
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,571
and I don't just mean Texas.
387
00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:21,341
You're not still seeing
that girl in New York, are you?
388
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,477
What girl in New York?
389
00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:26,313
Me!
390
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:27,747
Did your brain
get eaten already,
391
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,782
or is Jill just an idiot?
392
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,218
She is just overwhelmed.
393
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,852
She has three kids
under the age of five
394
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,387
and car trouble.
395
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,157
We broke up.
396
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,391
We were Facetiming so much
397
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:40,160
I felt like I was dating
my iPhone.
398
00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:42,529
The other night at dinner,
we split an appetizer.
399
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,065
Play dead!
400
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,701
Yeah, Max is incredible,
401
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,571
but we're just
in different places right now.
402
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:53,740
-No, you're not.
-Shh!
403
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,311
I wish I could say
the long distance thing
404
00:17:58,345 --> 00:17:59,646
was gonna be enough for me,
405
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:02,315
but it wasn't--
it wasn't ever gonna be.
406
00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:03,683
It just can't be enough.
407
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,752
Like you with compliments
about your hair.
408
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,855
You like it, though, right?
409
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:12,559
You know, I'm doing everything
I can to get over her.
410
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:15,395
Blocked her on my phone,
went to therapy,
411
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:18,298
watched all 13 seasons
of Grey's Anatomy,
412
00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:21,334
then realized I'd only watched
20 minutes of one episode.
413
00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:24,804
So, yes or no on my hair?
414
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,606
It's great.
415
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:29,342
But I'm not ready to meet that
girl with the Prius just yet.
416
00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:33,713
I mean, I'm all for
good gas mileage.
417
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:34,847
Just not yet.
418
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:38,751
I get it.
You're gay now.
419
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,687
I wish!
420
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,706
All right,
two minutes, everybody.
421
00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:03,376
Let's do this thing quick,
'cause this movie sucks.
422
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:06,346
Max, why didn't you
say something?
423
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:07,747
That was your chance.
424
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:11,418
Ugh, you heard what he said
to that fake sheriff.
425
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:13,386
The long distance thing
isn't enough for him,
426
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:14,654
and he needs to move on.
427
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,789
It's only fair that I let him.
428
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,426
Call me stupid
for being a romantic
429
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,328
and thinking love could
conquer all.
430
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:22,695
Stupid!
431
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,335
I'm sorry, Max.
432
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,571
What are you doing?
433
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,540
Do you have to pee?
434
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:35,375
Because I find if you go
in your pants a little
435
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:36,509
and then a little
and then a little,
436
00:19:36,543 --> 00:19:37,844
it's not that noticeable.
437
00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:39,646
I was gonna give you a hug.
438
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,914
Mm. All right, bring it in.
439
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,323
Ahh.
440
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:53,293
-You okay?
-No.
441
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:54,727
My relationship is really over,
442
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,330
and I'm starting to lose feeling
in my downstairs.
443
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:58,731
Yeah.
444
00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:01,534
Ugh. I'm sorry I dragged you
across the country.
445
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:05,538
You didn't drag me anywhere.
I wanted to be here with you.
446
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:07,340
Let's go home, Max.
447
00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,675
I'll tell Bonnie we're quitting,
448
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,810
and we'll tell the press
it was exhaustion.
449
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,879
No. We're not going
anywhere yet.
450
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,914
We came all this way.
At least one of us should
451
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:15,982
get what they want.
452
00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:17,717
You are gonna be in this movie.
453
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:20,320
Max!
454
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,722
I won't forget about you
when I'm big.
455
00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:25,625
I mean, I'll definitely
see you less.
456
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:29,296
What's that?
Get rid of the blonde zombie?
457
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:30,263
Oh, thank God.
458
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:32,031
What? Why?
459
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,966
Was it my "mow, mow, mow, mow"?
460
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:37,604
Bonnie, wait.
I--I can also write.
461
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:38,705
Check this line out:
462
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,873
"freezed to meet you."
463
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:45,278
Cut me down, Bon Bon.
You can't split us up.
464
00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:46,579
Believe me. I've tried.
465
00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:01,861
33424
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