Original subtitles

Max, guess who's getting a divorce.

Please tell me it's us.

Nope, we'll be together way past when we should be.

Like The Rolling Stones.

It's Jason and Winona Williams.

Wow, I really thought those two were gonna make it.

We're talking about those two sisters who play tennis, right?

Never heard of them, but there are a lot

of famous people I've never heard of.

Like that guy who's on TV sometimes and he's always like,

"Blah, blah, I'm on TV."

Yeah, that's Bill Maher.

Anyway, they're rich, globe-trotting socialites,

and they want to throw a party at our dessert bar

to celebrate the collapse of their marriage.

They celebrate divorce now?

My mom missed out on, like, 12 parties.

They're coming tomorrow to see the place, so maybe don't

wear your "Team Satan" T-shirt.

Why, 'cause there's a stain on it?

No, this could be a $5,000 job, Max.

I was offered a $5,000 job once.

I said, "No way."

Come to think of it, that was Bill Maher.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Hey, look,

it's Saddington Bear.

Oof, unlike torrential rain,

this jacket does not repel insults.

I have to go check the drains.

Oh, if you find my love life down there,

bring it back to me.

Han, the hurricane ain't coming, man.

My body always knows when a disaster is on its way.

It predicted the '97 El Niño

and my third wife, Diane.

That's true, and when he gets chest pains,

it means it'll be partly cloudy.

No, that's a heart attack.

Shortness of breath means partly cloudy.

Pardon me if I don't just blindly trust Earl.

He voted for Richard Nixon,

this year.

Man, he's gonna get us out of Vietnam.

Well, I'm not taking any chances.

This may come as a shock to you,

but this diner is all I have!

Not true.

You also have tiny arms and legs.

Oh, look, a Minion.

Hey, everybody!

Look, it's me, my Barbara, and my manny.

Yeah, Oleg and I

hired him to help with Baby Babs.

You know, in Poland,

a manny has to have his penis removed.

Yeah.

But here, he gets to keep it!

I'm Max, this is my first time meeting a manny.

I mean, a lot of men watched me when I was a teenager,

but they paid me.

Shane!

I'm not just paying you to stand around.

Well, at least burp one of us.

Isn't that the sweetest?

My wife, my baby,

and the man with a lady's job.

You're not nervous your manny is, you know,

extremely good-looking,

and you're, well...

Hung?

He's not good-looking.

His eyebrows don't even meet in the middle.

Sophie didn't want to hire a woman because

I walk around naked a lot,

and I'm, well...

The grossest?

A stink machine?

Girls, my wife is here.

Stop flirting with me.

Max, are you gonna go out with Shane?

Because he's staring at you.

Unless he's trying really hard to read that sign.

Uh, I'm already in a relationship

with Randy, remember him?

'Bout yay tall, yay wide, yay long.

I know how "yay long." It's your screensaver.

But, uh, didn't you guys break up?

You are so naive, mi amigo.

This is all part of me and Randy's dance.

I say we should break up,

and he says it's definitely over,

so we're still very much together.

I know I've been out of the game awhile,

but that makes less sense

than dress Crocs.

I didn't ask your opinion when I bought them,

and I'm not asking for it now.

And this is the part of the dance

where he shows up and surprises me.

Damn it, I should have worn my Crocs.

Awful news!

I was unable to fix the drains!

Turns out,

we don't have any!

We need to protect ourselves.

I'll be outside, filling sandbags.

Anyone who wants to help, follow me.

No one's behind me, are they?

Nope, just the shadow of a child holding a lantern.

Oh, you know what, Shane?

I'm bored.

Now, come on, let's go back to the apartment.

And you can walk on my back while Barbara naps.

You know, like mannies do.

Bye.

Let's go!

Where are Jason and Winona?

They need to get here before the storm does

and my hair frizzes.

Well, Randy better get here before the storm too.

Ooh, this could be him!

Damn it.

The one time I don't want a text from Chili's.

Although they're practically giving away

these sizzling fajitas.

Jason and Winona! You made it.

I was worried something horrible happened,

like you got caught in the storm

or you got back together!

I think it has to be below zero

for hell to freeze over.

And we should know. We've been to the Arctic.

He murdered a penguin.

It was an accident!

If it was the penguin from Happy Feet,

you'll pay for that with your life, my friend.

That's Max.

She thinks cartoon characters are real.

I'm Caroline Channing.

And she thinks Matthew McConaughey

actually loves driving a Lincoln.

Why would he endorse that? He doesn't need the money.

End of story.

Ugh. This place is so cute.

Almost as cute

as the mud hut in Borneo where I realized

I didn't love you.

That was five years ago.

Okay, maybe save that for the toast?

Here's some of the themed drinks we're working on.

Almost Single Malt Scotch.

Resent-Mint Chocolate Chip Cookie Shooters.

Still debating the

"Tequila" Him Would Have Been Easier shots.

Oh, hate to break this meeting up,

but I think my boyfriend's here.

Yeah, he doesn't like to bother me when I'm working.

Well, maybe I should get going before the weather gets too bad.

I have a date I should have gone on five years ago.

Oh, I bet it's not even raining.

See? Just a little sprinkle.

You wear a bra?

The hurricane is headed right for Williamsburg.

Fedoras are blowing down the streets.

Craft beers are spilling everywhere.

And indie bands are cancelling practice.

Sorry, girls, I guess Shakira was wrong.

My hips do lie.

This explains why Randy isn't here yet.

He's probably stuck in the storm.

Max, you're being delusional.

And I know that because I'm delusional.

Han, I have to get home.

Sophie's alone with the manny

and she gets turned on by bad weather.

It's true.

Last time it snowed, we made out a little bit.

Her favorite porno is The Perfect Storm,

even with Diane Lane's horrible Boston accent.

Oleg, no, it's too dangerous.

Yeah, it is. Han, go with him.

Even the wind pushes Oleg away.

That's my worst experience being blown

since I got caught in the hand dryer

in the ladies' washroom.

Oh, no. Everyone into the walk-in.

Ugh.

Well, I guess we're stuck here.

Another hostage situation.

Just like our honeymoon.

Oh, you loved Tehran.

So do you guys want to see a sample menu?

Max, light a match so they can see.

Give me a sec. I'm looting the register.

Sorry, it's a reflex.

Should we eat all the food before it expires?

Two years ago.

This is the safest place in the building.

This used to be my gift-wrapping suite.

I mean, man cave.

Am I sitting on a sack of potatoes?

Nope. Just my prostate.

So sorry for the inconvenience.

Can I offer you some pinto beans?

A tub of slaw?

Mouse skeleton?

Well, it does remind me of that time in the rainforest

when we stole that tribe's food

and they hung us up from our genitals.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you looked so cute that day.

All upside down and screaming.

Stop.

"Upside down and screaming"?

Oh, that's it.

I'm FaceTiming Sophie to make sure

her storm door is sealed shut.

Sophie.

For once I'm grateful you have all your clothes on.

Although...

stay focused, Oleg.

Hey, Oleg.

Yeah, we're fine, I was just reading Barbara her horoscope.

Now she's about to find out who her true friends are.

Yeah, oh, and tell the girls that we brought Chestnut in.

"We"?

What happened to his shirt?

Chestnut's?

Well, I took it off. He was warm.

No, Sophie, the manny.

His nipples are staring at me.

Well, what do you think happened to it?

He spilled his wine-- hey, Oleg, I gotta hang up.

We gotta close the windows. It's a perfect storm out there.

Yeah, I think I am gonna get up there

on that horse bareback with you.

"Perfect storm"?

Oh, no, this is terrible.

There's wine. There's a storm.

There's a horse in the mix.

The sexual possibilities are dizzying!

Wine?

Ooh, that reminds me.

Oh, sorry. We're out of wine.

Who wants a Capri Sun and vodka?

Scratch that.

Who doesn't want a Capri Sun and vodka?

What am I gonna do?

I have travel Scattergories in my emergency backpack.

Perhaps we roll an F for fun?

Perhaps we roll you outside for fun?

Oof, so much for the community coming together during a crisis.

Oh, what's the bathroom policy around here?

Just go anywhere?

Oh, no, no, this is not good.

My diner is more screwed than Sophie right now.

Too soon?

Hold me!

Just so you know,

that is a flashlight in my pocket.

Are we gonna talk about what happened?

Max, please tell me they make

really, really small flashlights

that move on their own.

Do you want me to lie to you

or do you want me to tell you that was Han's penis?

Wow.

Caroline and Han are really getting at it over there.

This storm is turning people on

more than alcohol and low self-esteem.

Even Han got some action.

I don't hold hands and tell.

Or maybe I do. This is kind of a first.

I could tell.

Your thumb was all over the place.

I hope that was your thumb.

That's it.

I can't risk Sophie being alone

with the Elephant Manny any longer.

Even a 2 like him looks like a 5 in this bad weather,

and Sophie has a thing for 5s.

If I die, Max,

you know what strippers I want at my funeral.

Yep, same ones I want at mine.

I want Bagpipes at my funeral.

She'll be expecting your call.

The sexual tension is rising.

This is turning into a real "will we or won't we?"

We won't.

We can't!

You know what I've always wanted to do?

Have a "getting back together" party?

Same price, less Adele on the playlist.

No.

You know. We should...

Drive through Syria!

Syria?

Is that a new Middle Eastern fast-food place?

Baba ghano-thank-you.

Syria sounds beautiful.

Let us throw your going-away party.

And birthdays coming up? Graduations?

Quinceañeras? Just 'cause?

Why almost die in Syria

when we could be out there right now

almost dying in a hurricane?

Oh, there's the woman my family forced me to marry.

Every second we're in here is second we're not

risking getting electrocuted by downed power lines.

We'll see you guys later.

Wha-- we do funerals.

Wakes, shivas, too.

Tell your captors.

Unbelievable.

I'm so bad at relationships,

I can't even make a divorce work.

I'll give you some pointers.

First rule, have sex with her big-mouthed sister.

I'm gonna see if Randy posted anything on Snapchat

about his travels.

I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong.

He is not in LA, enjoying the sunshine.

Hey, I'm here in sunny LA,

just about to take my dog for a walk.

You know, people are saying we're starting to look alike.

Thoughts?

Because to tell you the truth, I don't really see it.

Although I have been

peeing on fire hydrants more than usual.

You know what?

I am calling him.

He wants me to.

You saw the look on his snout.

You're acting more mixed-up than me.

And yesterday I ordered a cheeseburger from an ATM.

And I gotta say, it wasn't bad.

He's not answering, and it's going straight to voicemail.

Maybe Snapchat got it wrong

and he's on a plane.

He probably blocked you.

Right, baby?

Give me your phone.

Hello?

It went through and he answered.

'Cause it wasn't my phone. He did block me.

Max, I'm sorry.

We're really broken up.

Don't feel too bad.

From what I saw, he had kind of a dog face.

Ooh-ooh.

My hips think that

the storm is over, y'all.

Why don't you go check for flooding, old man?

Just like you did for Noah.

Sorry, that's the cockiness of my new relationship talking.

We should all go.

None of us have anything left to live for anymore anyway.

Uh, excuse me, I have plenty--

okay, you're right, let's go.

Yes! Yes, it's okay.

Wow.

I guess the hurricane looked us up on Yelp

and stayed the hell away.

It survived the storm!

My diner's alive.

Yeah, parts of it have chased me around the kitchen.

I love how you're funny.

The storm is gone. My body got it right.

Now, if it could only pump blood on its own.

Great.

Oleg survived too.

This hurricane sucked.

I made it home,

but Sophie and the manny were gone.

And I could tell by the look in Chestnut's eyes

and the wine on his mane that they're not coming back.

Oh--Oleg, you're here!

Sophie,

you're here.

Oh, I was so worried. What happened?

To my churro?

Well, yeah, it got wet.

Oh, Oleg,

I didn't want to be in the hurricane without you.

And I didn't want anyone to be in you

without me.

Oh.

Don't be silly. We're family now.

Plus, the storm got me all horned up.

Confession:

I'm not just wet from the storm.

Oh, my God,

does this guy always know what to say or what?

Oh, Oleg, let's go home.

I love happy endings.

Oh, well, if Barbara's sleeping,

I might be able to give you one on the way home.

Caroline,

we need to talk about what happened in there.

Okay, but do I have to be here?

Look, I've been thinking that sometimes

crazy weather makes you do crazy things.

Yeah, I just listened to Sophie and Oleg talk

for like an hour.

I--I guess what I'm trying to say is

we're Dones-ville.

Han.

Shh.

No, no.

Don't beg.

This is hard enough as it is.

But...

keep that chin up.

You'll find someone.

I recommend the Internet.

Thanks, Han.

It was fun while it never started.

Max, I hate seeing you like this.

You know what?

Maybe Randy only blocked you because--

Because he didn't want to ruin the surprise of him

coming here to see me?

All right. Yep. Sure.

I'm gonna check his Snapchat again.

Not now, Max. Let's go hug our dessert bar.

It was probably so scared.

Hey! I'm running 'cause I'm late.

Gotta get to New York--

Great, his story cut off.

But you were right!

I was?

Ooh, it unfroze.

Philharmonic at the Hollywood Bowl.

Well, that's it.

He's not coming to New York.

I have to face reality.

He's bowling in LA with his buddy Phil.

Oh, my God!

Cray, right?

I didn't even know Randy liked bowling.

No, Max, look!

Is that tree new or has it always been there?

I know the condom stuck to it hasn't.

The diner is fine, but our beautiful dessert bar

gets hit by the hurricane?

But...

your hair looks good right now.

Just "good"?

I'm calling Han.

I weirdly feel like I need him now.

It's going straight to voicemail.

Han! I was just trying to call you.

Yeah, I blocked you.

I just can't go there right now.

Caroline, don't cry.

We have insurance. Right?

I don't listen to 100% of what you say.

We'll be fine.

I just think blocking a person is mean.