Original subtitles

All right, we're going from

the condemned building where we work

to the condemned building where we live.

-Do you have a moment for-- -I'm sorry,

I don't speak English.

Max, there's a do-gooder outside

raising money for charity.

Probably something like OCD pandas

or owls that say "whom."

Another one? I miss the days

when you could just walk outside and your biggest fear

was getting stabbed in the neck.

Okay, no one panic.

Remember, they can't come inside unless they're invited.

Oh, wait. That's vampires and me.

I can't wait around, y'all.

I'm going on a bar crawl with Lionel Richie

and Lionel, he's all about punctuality.

Otherwise, hello? It's me he'll be looking for.

-Earl, no! -Excuse me, sir,

do you have a minute for--

Rest in peace, Earl.

Taken seconds before his time.

Come on, let's go out through the kitchen.

There's another one out back!

I threw a garbage can in front of her,

but it only made her more cheerful!

Earl, what happened out there? Is she gone?

Don't worry. Everything's okay.

Unless you are the North American honey bee.

Oh, no, they got to Earl!

Look here: for only $19 a month--

Everybody run.

Or just walk at a moderately fast pace.

No, you see, the American honey bee needs a little sympathy--

Have a nice day.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Mmm, cookies and whiskey.

My favorite after-school snack.

Loving that we turned your childhood trauma

into a thriving business.

Now if we could just cash in on your years in juvie.

It'll come to me.

Ooh, gotta get that.

It's either Randy

or Han clicked "Find my iPad."

Hey, Max. Wanted to call you

before you opened the dessert bar.

You know, while you're still a little sober.

Hey, Randy! How was the gym? It was back and bi's, right?

Well, you should know, you set up my iCal.

Hey, Max, did you get my text about tonight?

No, we didn't get it, did we?

Um, I think he just sent it to my phone

since I'm the only one of us dating him.

Let me look.

Abs, abs, pecs, penis-- oh, here it is.

Yeah, I'd be down for a face-to-FaceTime movie night.

Ooh, anyone in the mood for something Brendan Fraser-y?

Not even Brendan Fraser's parents.

Well, I'm not watching anything unless someone

gets kicked in the nuts in the trailer.

It can be a woman, I'm open.

Well, I'm not.

You know what?

I have an idea.

How about I set you up with someone?

I think I have the perfect guy for you.

A gay guy who doesn't mind loud chewing?

Um, I'm sorry my teeth aren't as soft as yours.

Tyler's an up-and-coming associate

at our New York office.

And I'm pretty sure he's my Secret Santa.

Don't pity set me up.

I like to think I'm above that.

But I'm not! I'm in.

Hey, girls.

Raise your hand if you're super depressed today.

Don't engage.

Just ignore him

like he ignores the word "no."

Did someone just say, "Yes"?

Randy, I have to call you back.

There's a sexual predator that needs my attention.

Hey, Oleg.

What's up, R-Dog? Can I talk to you man-to-man

about a pretty serious--

Bye, guys!

together: What?

Sophie wants me to get rid of

my beloved Toyota Yaris.

That car is a part of me.

It is the yin to my wang.

What if we just cement the door to the diner closed?

Oleg, Han is looking for you, man.

And he's really mad because...

well, that's when I stopped listening.

Sorry, Earl, what'd you say?

I stopped listening after you said "Han."

We would need a very strong cement.

Like, brick with cement over it.

Oleg, did you really think you could pass this off as you?

You don't wear glasses.

I thought there was something different about you.

I've never seen people work so hard at not working.

Hey, everybody!

Take a look at my sweet ride.

It's a minivan.

I've been test driving this bad boy

with this other bad boy all day.

For six hours. We went through

every Wendy's drive-thru in Queens.

I wrote "Help me" on a napkin.

But nobody did.

I wanted to see if all seven of the cup holders worked.

And now we can drink Diet Coke as a family.

You want me to give up my sexy Yaris for a minivan?

Why don't I just drive around in a uterus with wheels?

I'm not asking you to buy a Prius.

Oleg, all we have to do now is sell the Yaris.

Are you allowed to sell evidence?

Okay, Jose, you can show me how it corners

on the way back to Coney Island.

Then can I please go home?

This guy's hilarious.

He's been saying that all day.

Tyler, hi. I'm so sorry we're late.

Someone jumped in front of our subway car.

I keep telling you to stop doing that.

There was a coupon for a free falafel on the track.

You must be Max.

Guilty as charged.

But never convicted.

And you must be Caroline.

Wow, you are even prettier

than your Facebook pictures I definitely wasn't

trolling through.

I do what I can with a shadeless lamp

and an iPhone 2.

You're waiting for one more?

Uh, nope. My boyfriend's in my purse.

Well, my boyfriend's a poster of Tom Hardy,

but this is sadder.

Hey, Randy.

You look nice tonight.

It's the "hefe" filter.

Are these prices? 'Cause they're all two numbers.

Don't worry, it's on me.

Can we have a kids menu?

My girl may want noodles and butter.

Oh, does this guy know me or what?

I think you'll really enjoy the lobster quesadilla.

Oh, I love tapas.

Well, have you ever been to Barcelona?

On the way to Ibiza!

Yeesh.

Remind me to never go to France.

Hey, you mind if I put a puppy face on you

while we do this?

You haven't yet? I assumed I had a snout.

All right, let me see what I'm gonna have for dinner.

Either Cookie Crisp or Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

You have both? I love dating a rich guy.

Hey, Caroline. You know Tyler spends

his weekends at the soup kitchen?

That is so sweet.

So do we.

Best hot dog beans in the city.

We're holding hands.

Ooh.

Yeah, I'll just have a roll instead.

Uh-oh. My boyfriend is dying!

Hi, um, he's at 3%.

Can I, uh, plug my date in anywhere?

There's an outlet on the wall right there.

Huh. Heck yeah.

Scusi.

Ehh.

Hello.

Mind if I put my wine here while I charge my man?

You guys are so much cooler than the last couple

we were on a double date with.

Speaking of which, looks like our third wheel

found a guy to make out with.

Wow, people can be so inappropriate.

Ugh!

You guys didn't tell me there was fennel in these!

I say we just call it a night.

Yeah. Ugh. This was a swing and a miss.

Um, you know you're smiling.

This is about the time of day you start weeping

and saying "Why me?" at the ceiling.

I am smiling, Max.

Kissing Tyler last night awoke something in my loins.

Loins? That was out of loin.

And now I need to be aloin.

So do I. Tonight, I'm making Tyler

a romantic dinner in our apartment.

Also, do we have a second plate?

Yes, I keep it in our limousine, Your Majesty.

And I'll tell you what I tell you any time

a guy smiles at you and you start planning your wedding.

I'll have the chicken and the fish.

You've made your order clear.

But this isn't about that. This is about Stella

getting her groove back.

Maybe it should be about updating your references.

Stella's 90 now.

All she wants back is her mobility.

Max, I haven't had sex in...

You don't have to whisper, girl.

We all know it's coming up on two years.

That you hear?

I yelled "Help" into your face

for an hour yesterday.

Say what?

Max, I don't want a relationship.

I just wanna break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar.

You know, sexually.

Don't drag Kit Kats into this.

Who got Kit Kat?

I hope Tyler knows "I'm making you dinner"

is code for "I'm DTML."

Down to make love.

And I'm down to my last conversation with you

for saying "making love."

But I'm happy for you, girl.

I'm also happy for Earl, 'cause he had two years

in the "Will Caroline Ever Have Sex Again?" pool.

-What did you have? -I wasn't in the pool.

-Aw, thank you. -I just ran it.

And I will say, seeing you and Tyler

make out in a public place was kind of a--

-Turn on? -No.

-Erotic awakening? -No, it had nothing

to do with you.

It made me realize I haven't actually laid lips on Randy

since we decided to be in a relationship again.

So tell him to fly here.

Maybe you can stay at a hotel.

'Cause I may need your bed.

If I put too much pressure on mine,

it flips back into the wall.

Yeah. I do miss him.

And I'm kind of sick of licking my iPad.

Know what I mean?

No. That's how long it's been.

Hey, everybody!

Ah. Baby Barbara loves that.

Oh, we got good news.

And it's not just 'cause the guy selling the VHS pornos outside

asked if we were sisters.

I have some good news, too.

I'm gonna have sex tonight.

If you know what I mean.

Oh, no.

I lost the pool.

Yeah, I said ten years.

And that's only 'cause "never" was already taken.

Sophie, I haven't been able to sell the Yaris.

Looks like we're gonna have to keep it forever.

I tried, for only, like an hour.

But I tried.

Oh, Oleg. Yeah, well, the good news is,

you don't have to worry about selling it.

Good, I didn't try.

Ah, 'cause I already sold it!

What?

Oh, no. It's like you've just

taken my manhood from me.

Okay, I can't hold this in any longer.

Who had "never"?

I did.

Hey, Sophie, at least tell me

you sold it to a stud who will carry on my sexual legacy.

Guess who's the owner of a 2008 Yaris?

Oh, this is tougher to take than the success of a close friend.

Luckily we have my sexcapades to lift everyone's spirits.

I'm gonna go stick my Garfield to the back window.

Oh, that car was magic.

And now, the only tail my Yaris will ever see again

belongs to a lasagna-eating cat!

What did Randy say? Did you tell him

I'm gonna have a horizontal hoedown?

He was on your email blast.

He's coming tomorrow night.

But don't worry, I'll get out of the apartment tonight.

I'll find a pick-up stick ball game or something.

Okay, now who do I give my $5 to for the pool?

You know what? I think I'm gonna hold onto it

till it actually happens.

Ooh, fancy.

You got all the kinds of cheeses.

White, yellow, orange.

Uh-buh-buh! Whatever he doesn't eat

is our lunch for the week.

Well, I'll be back in a few hours.

I'd say break a leg, but you're so out of practice,

you just might.

Thanks, Max. I really need this.

I'll try to text you when it's over.

I'll know when it's over, right?

Yeah, he'll leave immediately.

I believe that's my FedSex delivery.

Godspeed.

And thank you for your service.

Hey.

Hey.

-Hey. -Hey.

That's enough small talk.

Unbelievable!

Randy just canceled!

He can't leave L.A. 'cause of "work stuff."

And now my phone died, so I can't Google ways to kill him.

I'll have to do it from memory.

Ugh, I need to charge this.

Oh, that is so rude of me.

Do you guys need this outlet?

-Olive? -I'm allergic.

It's gone.

So, what's the main course?

Me: the other white meat.

That sounds great, but maybe some crackers first.

Your text did say, "Come hungry."

And thirsty!

Well, I'm always thirsty, 'cause I'm an alcoholic.

That's so funny.

I don't even care if you're not kidding.

I'm just mad you're not coming.

I'm not yelling!

I am angrily whispering because my phone

still isn't charged, and Caroline's in the other room

trying to remember how to have sex.

She's kidding.

Nothing's changed, right?

I think there's more choking now, but it's not my thing.

All right, my phone's at 23%.

I'm gonna go steal a car and finish charging it.

Okay, see you in the morning, not before, bye.

It's Randy. I'm not getting it.

Hm, you and me both, sister.

Okay, that should do it.

Good-bye, Randy.

It's Randy.

Don't you dare get it.

Max, please don't threaten my date.

He's not a kid with a McFlurry.

I kinda have to get this. He's sort of my boss.

And he doesn't know it yet, but he's my Secret Santa.

I'm warning you, she's not having sex with you

if you answer that.

Uh, hello!

Who are you trying to punish here?

All right. The phone stopped ringing.

Everybody calm down.

You did not vacuum your bed for nothing.

I mean, you can't be too mad at Randy,

given the situation between you two.

What situation?

-Oh, no. -Is there a bathroom here?

This whole place is a bathroom. Start talking.

You know, you choosing your business

over seeing where things could go with you two.

Kinda.

Am I still talking?

Max, please don't hit him in his sex parts,

which, if I remember correctly, is in his winkle.

Continue, Tyler.

I'm just saying, what do you expect

from a long-distance relationship?

If he's not moving here and you're not moving there,

what's the point?

The point is that anything can happen.

And maybe Randy will move here. And even if he doesn't,

we're gonna have jetpacks in, like, a year.

Everybody knows that.

It's Randy. I'm not getting it.

Or anything else tonight.

-Gimme that phone. -Max, no!

I wanna remember what it's like to be touched on the boob.

And not by a guy at LensCrafters

who didn't even work there.

Hello, Randy.

It's the person that, uh, chose her business

over seeing where things-- what was that, Tyler?

This is exactly how my parents got divorced.

He wants to talk to you.

-Hey, buddy. -Hey, Randy, can't hear you.

I'm going through a tunnel.

I wish.

Are you ever gonna move to New York?

Are you ever gonna move to L.A.?

I asked you first.

Max, do you really wanna do this now?

Yeah, now's not great for me.

Yeah, I do. If I'm not moving there,

and you're not moving here, what's the point?

So, I guess this is it.

I want a boyfriend I'm not afraid of

dropping in the toilet.

-Oh. -Yeah.

So this is good-bye.

I guess so. Good-bye.

Why?

Why me?

-Should I go? -No, I will.

Max, you and Randy just broke up.

You can't go.

Unless you really, really want to.

I need to be alone.

Maybe I'll go to a taping of Carson Daly.

Maybe we should have done this at my place.

I live with my ex, but she's a lesbian.

Not because of anything I did.

I'm still talking!

Let's let our bodies do it for us.

See, she loves it.

Ah, can you believe that Oleg still won't

buy the minivan?

Sophie, I'm telling you.

A van with windows? What's the point?

Never had such a hard time closing the deal.

Yeah, me neither.

Wow, you put out your lunch cheese.

I like this guy for you, Caroline.

You should have sex with him.

Don't love his outfit,

but he's only gonna be wearing the belt, right?

Did you tell him how long it's been?

I got five bucks riding on this.

Max, you're really upset about Randy.

Usually you high-five me when we pass a "Rear Entry Only" sign.

After last night, I'm too upset for sophisticated humor.

I feel like it's my fault.

If you hadn't set me up, none of this would've happened.

It's not your fault, it's your date--

I wanna say his name is Triscuit.

It was Tyler.

Well, I'm sorry you didn't

get in the bone zone with him.

It's okay. He was a talker.

And if I'm saying that...

And I'm surprised you're taking this so hard.

You and Randy are more on and off

than a jacket in early fall.

I must be feeling a little better.

"Heavy Load."

Hey, girls.

Guess who just hit a guy in her brand new minivan?

This thing is so smooth, we barely even felt it.

Oleg, I thought you said you'd only get a minivan

over your dead body.

And no offense, but we all kind of got excited.

Jose failed to mention that you could fit

a full-size mattress back there.

Not a great salesman.

Let's park this thing so I can show you the inside.

What the hell, man?

We have lit candles in here.

Han's with a girl?

Oh, ho, that is one magic car.

You know what that means.

Even Han got sex before Caroline.

Who had 32 years for Han in the pool?

Uh, I did.

He heard that?

Hey, Han, can Caroline borrow that Yaris sometime?

Real soon?