Original subtitles

Max, what is all this?

I thought we were running fancy purchases past each other

since you yelled at me for splurging on two-ply.

You might as well wipe with dollar bills, your royal heinie.

This is for a big cake order I got

from Over-Eaters Anonymous.

And, like it's members, it's a big 'un.

I thought we didn't take special orders anymore

since we opened the dessert bar.

You know, like how girls stop doing mouth stuff

after they get a ring.

Which is why I don't give girls rings.

They're having a group cheat day and I wanna help them.

It's my way of giving nothing.

Max, that's terrible.

We can't enable people that have a real problem.

They're paying us 1,000 bucks.

Like I said, the customer is always right.

You know, with that kind of money,

we could go from two-ply to wet wipes.

Pfft, slow your two-ply roll, money bags.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ugh, there's no room on our side.

Han's side is empty though.

Just like his Little People, Big World viewing parties.

I went once.

Oh, Han left another note

telling us not to put our stuff on his stuff.

There's not enough alcohol in the world

to get my stuff on his stuff.

"Dear girls, how are you?

Been unseasonably hot lately, hasn't it?"

He really beats around the bush.

Again, not enough alcohol.

"I'd really appreciate

if you kept your supplies on your--"

Wow, his notes are more boring

than your "remember when I had money" stories.

Come on, Max. We're slamming Han.

Let's stay focused.

Remember when I had money, though?

I'm crafting my response to Han right now.

I wanna keep it light.

Did I ever tell you

we actually had a money room

like in Richie Rich comics?

-Yep. -Hello, girls.

Read anything good lately?

Perhaps a note on stationary that says,

"From the desk of a jelly bean addict?

Han, if you have something to say,

look us in the kneecaps and say it.

I smell smoke, and where there's smoke,

there's usually something of mine burning.

Earl, watch the diner for me.

Sure thing.

Girls, watch the diner for me.

I gotta go to the bathroom again.

My prostate changes faster than the lineup of The View.

Caroline, watch the diner for me.

Max, watch the diner for me.

Jinx, you owe me a soda.

But not from here.

Hilar, right?

Not you.

Randy was giving me a Facetime motorboat.

Hey, Caroline.

Arr, it was a bit nippy in there.

Ahoy, Captain.

Oh, why am I playing along?

Well, we should probably stop having phone sex

'cause I'm at Pinkberry

and I got a lot of decisions to make.

Well, call me back so your pinkberries

don't become blueberries.

Girls, come on. This is a workplace.

Do you think I can use dish soap on these?

You should use gasoline on those.

So...

isn't it about time you and Randy

made your relationship official again?

You talk to him more than you talk to me,

which brings me to my second point:

I'm hurt.

We are not in a relationship.

Or a long-distance relationship.

We are just two people looking for good lighting

for our sex parts.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Earl Washington.

How do you know Earl's last name?

Even his license just says Earl.

You're not the DirecTV lady, are you?

'Cause he told us he's not paying for Starz

till the channel actually gets some.

Earl Washington, about 6'2",

strong as an ox, big bushy afro?

Honey, we shrunk the Earl.

Um, when was the last time you saw this "Big Earl"?

1961. We were sweethearts.

But I went to Havana to visit my family

and to bring Earl back some cigars.

Then the revolution came and the rest is communism.

Earl's got people hunting him down across time and space,

and I can't get a second date?

Earl!

Oh, it's you.

I recognize that swagger.

She does?

Wow, Pilar.

You have my cigars?

He remembers her, but yesterday

he accidentally worked a full shift at Denny's.

I can't believe I'm here.

You know, I tried to float to you on a porta-potty in 1984,

but it did not work out.

I haven't been this excited

since I found out I didn't work at Denny's.

You are still a fine piece of man, Earl.

And you are beau-ti-ful.

Girl, let's get outta here.

How do you feel about exclusively being on top?

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

He's still got it.

Where is he hiding it?

That is so cute.

I hope she knows CPR.

Those over-eaters are really getting their money's worth.

Especially since you added the meat layer.

It's gonna compliment the potatoes.

Speaking of complimenting my potatoes,

listen to what Randy texted.

No, thanks. If I liked porn,

I wouldn't have thrown away Sophie and Oleg's

"We're Having a Baby" card.

No, this is disturbingly clean.

"Have an hour layover in Newark Airport tomorrow.

So close and yet so far."

What does that mean?

Does he wanna see my boobs or my junk?

Now he's speaking my language.

The language of romantic comedy.

He wants more.

My butt?

Max, he wants you to meet him at the airport.

Airports are the romantic climax to every great love story.

Casablanca,

Love Actually,

Snakes on a Plane.

Ah, now I get it.

So point to it on my body.

Hey, girls.

I'm trying to make the baby laugh.

Here's one...

Two girls walk into a dessert bar

and they never leave.

Ah, see? Nothing.

You girls think I'm funny. Right?

You married Oleg, so you have a sense of humor.

I don't get it.

I'm trying to make Barbara laugh,

but you know what? I'm like Leno at 10:00.

You know? I'm getting nothing.

See? Crickets.

Have you tried any got-your-nose material?

Always makes Caroline laugh.

Stop!

Give me back my nose!

You know what? That's really not funny.

You know what they say.

That babies that are this age are supposed to laugh,

and that gets me really worried.

'Cause what if Barbara has no idea what's funny?

Like a Netflix comedy.

Narcos is pretty funny,

but I guess you had to be there.

Wait a minute. I got something.

Ah, she doesn't even like fart jokes.

Neither do we.

Speak for yourself.

All right.

Did you text Randy back?

I don't know what to say to him.

How does, "New phone, who dis?" sound?

If you were Sally, you would have never met Harry.

If he wants me to meet him at the airport,

he's gonna have to come out and ask me.

He wants you to meet him.

He's just speaking in the language of romance.

Which you don't understand

'cause it doesn't have any burps in it.

I know how to interpret these things.

Uh, sorry, but you are horrible at interpreting things.

You thought when I first said "hi" to you

it meant I wanted you to move in with me

for six years.

Well, sorry if you had me at hello.

There she is 18 hours later.

Mama's greatest accomplishment:

Maple vanilla rum cake

with a raspberry cream cheese filling

and a white chocolate crumble.

Also, there's a ham in it.

Can you have a contact heart attack

from looking at something?

'Cause my left arm is tingly.

Let's load this monster in the back.

How many times have I is said that?

Ooh, can I get a hunk of that ham?

No!

Oh, there's no room on our side.

Oh, my God, Max, why is this so heavy?

That's gonna be the layer of hot dogs.

Let's just put it on Han's side.

Move his note. I'll burn it later.

Aw, he got this one notarized.

And he's a notary.

There's a lot of sides to that square.

So...

I've been thinking about your airport outfit.

You're not gonna like this, but I think it may be time

for you got a third shirt.

You're not gonna like this.

I think it's time for you to get a second friend.

You haven't seen Randy in six months.

I mean, you've seen parts of him on your phone,

but you haven't seen the whole.

Oh, I've seen the hole.

He fell getting out of the shower.

What is wrong with you?

I know you're crazy about him.

I am, but what if he doesn't want me to come?

What if I get there and I'm like, "Hey,"

and he's like, "Uh, hey..."

I don't wanna be embarrassed.

Then don't say "hey" like that ever.

And since when do you care about being embarrassed?

Your raincoat is a trash bag.

Ugh, it matches my duct tape shoes.

I am not going to the airport.

Uh, sure, Pilar.

It's on like Donkey Kong.

How's it going with Pilar?

You crazy kids still having fun?

She's wearing me out.

Well, at least you have somebody.

Whoa, simmer down, Lonely Island.

Earl, what's going on?

She wants to see everything she's missed

in the last 50 years.

Now she wants to go to Disney World.

You know what, Earl? You need to breathe.

How about we go for one of those invigorating walks we take

whenever your leg blood isn't moving?

Do you need your Walker, Earl?

Of course I do.

Thank you.

Just put it right over--

That admittedly gorgeous cake

is not the property of the Williamsburg Diner.

I'm losing interest real fast here Han.

Where am I putting this box?

I'm moving the cake.

You play with the bull, you get the Han.

I guess CrossFit failed me again today.

You went once and you passed out.

I didn't hydrate.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my God.

Is that a hot dog?

Wake up, Han. Wake up.

You're having a terrible dream

where you destroyed something very important to the girls

and they're going to kill you.

Yeah, we're still here.

You dropped the cake. This is happening.

What have I done?

Looks like someone got themselves in a little jam.

Mmm, raspberry.

Stop licking things.

We need to put this back together.

Yes, yes, this is working.

No one will be the wiser.

We'll just frost over the crime.

Why is there a ham?

This cake makes no sense!

Get up.

You're making a fool of yourself.

And that's coming from a guy

who burnt his nuts on a hand dryer earlier.

Tell me what to do.

Relax.

This cake had no family,

no friends, no dental records.

I've done this before.

With other cakes, of course.

I'm so scared.

Earl is really in a bad way over Pilar.

I've never seen him that confused.

Well, then you've never watched him button a shirt.

-Where's the cake? -The cake?

We put it right here.

It couldn't have grown little legs and walked away.

Little legs?

together: Han!

Oleg, have you seen our cake?

I see a lot of cakes.

This is New York City. Cakes up the wazoo.

Pancakes, baby cakes, patty cakes.

They should change the name to New Cake City.

He knows something.

Not much, but something.

But that is a pretty great name for New York.

Earl, have you seen a man-sized cake

being carried by a cake-sized man?

I have other stuff on my mind.

I gotta tell Pilar I don't wanna go to Disney World

and Burning Man's off too.

Hello, girls.

I've been thinking of adding a chicken leg

to the shift meal. Thoughts?

Where'd you hide our cake?

With the rest of your body?

Who crapped in your coffee?

First I'm gonna say:

That's a strong yes on the chicken leg.

Now, where's my maple vanilla cake with hot dog filling?

We put it on your side of the shelf and now it's gone.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to cake a phone call.

I mean, make a phone cake.

Search him, Max.

All the way down to his Underoos.

Check my Underoos.

There's something sweet in there,

but it's not cake.

You've got nothing on me.

Oleg, tell them I haven't seen their cake.

Right, bro?

Cake? What cake? I see a lot of cakes.

This is New York City. Cakes up the wazoo.

patty cakes, pancakes, baby cake.

-They should name the city, uh-- -New Cake City.

Yeah, we got it.

Maybe Han's telling the truth.

Do you think one of those over-eaters

could have snuck in here without us knowing?

You saw how cramped it is back there.

This morning I had to go in one boob at a time.

Where could it be?

Just 'cause your keys were in there one time.

Hey, everybody.

We're here.

Yeah, me and the ice queen.

You know, if she doesn't laugh soon,

people are gonna think she's German.

She's getting real monster truck rally

with that carriage.

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to make another cake.

I have 60 "just checking in" voicemails on my phone

asking about it.

Oh, 61.

But you have to go meet Randy at the airport.

I'm not going to the airport.

Besides, I have too many enemies at Hudson News.

Wow.

This is the second best hot dog cake I've ever had.

I don't want to jump to conclusions,

but I think that's our hot dog cake.

Sophie, where did you get that?

Oleg.

Can you believe he buried this?

Good thing that I can dig.

It was Han. If it makes you feel any better,

he cried as we shoveled it into a bucket.

Han!

Get out here!

We know you killed our cake.

You sold me out?

I want my 48.50 back, you stool pigeon.

I can't bury a cake

and not bring some home for my wife.

You heard my vows.

This is your fault

for not paying attention to my notes.

Prepare to meet your maker, Han.

Which I'm assuming is Mattel.

Please don't kill me.

I have so much... a lot...

well, some things to live for.

Did you hear that?

Ah, the girls scared Han,

and it made Barbara laugh.

Ah, I guess she likes to hear other babies in danger.

That's my girl.

Hi, Earl.

I am excited to fly to Florida instead of floating there

on the door of a '57 Chevy.

Earl, is there anything you wanna tell Pilar

about your trip to Disney World?

Yeah, I, uh...

Got the park hopper.

It's two parks for the price of three.

Earl?

Oh, hell.

Uh, Pilar...

I don't wanna got Disney World.

I didn't even like The Lion King.

Too much Africa stuff.

I honestly don't know how to process

somebody not liking The Lion King.

Look, Pilar, I've drank it all,

I've smoked it all, I've done it all.

You are just starting out on your ride.

I don't wanna slow you down.

I see.

This is why I'm not going to the airport.

She's probably so embarrassed right now.

You'd think I'd be embarrassed

because I came all this way here for you,

but I don't regret it.

Uh, excuse me?

Can I get some mustard for this cake?

Earl, if I didn't come,

I'd always have wondered what could have been.

I am glad you came.

Showed me my heart can take a lot.

Whoever had this one before me

must have been a jogger.

It was great seeing you, Earl.

Now, I'm gonna go get my Goofy on.

Uh, Pilar,

can I catch a ride with you to the airport?

I gotta meet a guy.

Yeah, I guess I gotta meet a guy too.

Caroline...

do you wanna come?

I thought you'd never ask.

So, should we share a cab?

You know, in Cuba, I shared an apartment with a horse.

Well, that's just weird.

Bye, Earl.

Aw, he's asleep.

Yep, he's asleep.

Hurry up. Now we're gonna be late.

Ugh, there were plenty of people who could have helped that guy

back into his wheelchair.

All right, Randy's last flight landed at terminal four,

and his next flight is out of terminal six.

He should be here any second.

You look beautiful.

You sure?

Do I have anything in my teeth?

Just the candy corn you use as a molar.

There he is!

Randy!

Sorry, I'm not sure I'll ever get to have

my own airport moment.

Caroline, what're you doing here?

Max!

Sir, I'm gonna need you to look deep into my eyes

while I frisk you.

And I'm gonna need you to take off that shirt.

This actually kind of happens to me a lot.

Even in libraries.

Should I take my shirt off too?

No, you're in an airport, not a McDonald's.

Max, I--

I didn't think you were actually coming to see me.

Well, 'cause you didn't actually ask.

You look great.

Easy on the nipples there, Sheryl.

All right, you're good.

No need to put your shirt back on, though.

You're good.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm really happy you came.

You are?

Then why didn't you just ask me?

I guess I was worried you'd say no,

and I'd be embarrassed.

I was worried you didn't want me to come

and then I'd be embarrassed.

Classic misunderstanding.

Look, I-I know we're supposed to get attached, but...

Say it.

I want something more.

I want a relationship.

Say it back.

I wouldn't hate that.

Close enough.

So we're doing this?

Because if not, I gotta get back to Sheryl.

She still has my shoes.

Uh, yeah, I think we have to.

I mean, this is all Caroline has.

Oh, it's so beautiful.

Oh, come on, people.

You heard her. This is all I have.