Original subtitles

Ladies and waitresses,

I am the great Han-dini!

Somewhere there's a top of a wedding cake

missing its groom.

I went to traffic school this weekend

and was taught by a magician.

My traffic school was taught by a comedian.

It wasn't funny, but at least I saw

what Jon Lovitz was up to.

Did you get a DWI?

Driving while itty-bitty?

I ran a series of red lights.

I received word there had been a Squirtle sighting.

And now, I'm about to pull a rabbit

-out of a hat. -Big deal.

I just pulled half a raccoon out of the toilet.

Presto!

This is making me depressed-o.

Where are you?

Pick up.

Salad with a rabbit on it.

He just can't serve a salad without a hare in it.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Amazing news:

I found a penny.

And our dessert bar is in Time Out Magazine.

Whoa! "Where are they now?

Pizza Rat!"

Not that. Our piece is right here

next to this Walking Dead ad.

Oh, wait, that's Michael Douglas.

So, the walking dead.

"Former scandal queen Caroline Channing's

cozy Brooklyn dessert bar, M&C's, that's beaut--"

"Caroline Channing's dessert bar"?

This place isn't like your sex life, Caroline.

You're not doing it all by yourself.

I don't even do it by myself anymore.

I was talking too much,

and, look, I mentioned you right here.

"Partner."

I'm more than just the partner,

I'm the creative inspiration.

I'm Steve Jobs and you're the fat guy

that drives a Segway.

I tried to include you.

I told you the interview was on Monday,

and you said that's your whippit night.

Oh, I whipped it.

Whipped it good.

Caroline, back that ass up.

I don't want anyone too close to my baby.

Is that why you dipped her in perfume?

I want everyone to treat little Barbara

like Mariah Carey

and never look directly in her eyes.

Is that why she's wearing sunglasses?

I just got off.

And also, I'm done with work.

Okay.

There's my girls.

We're not your girls, Oleg.

I have it in writing from a judge.

Oleg, give her some space.

Her spray tan hasn't even dried yet.

Sophie, I've been reading a parenting blog called

"So, You've Ruined Your Life,"

and they say it's very important for a dad to bond with his baby.

I think that's only true for human dads.

Maybe you can bond with the baby later.

You know, like, when she has a baby.

I can't wait 12 years.

Sophie, I'm her father.

I helped make her.

This wasn't a Virgin Marski situation.

There was nothing immaculate about this conception.

Well, the fun part's over now.

Yeah, she's mine.

Excuse you.

She's getting really good with that thing.

I'm gonna do what I do when all women tell me

not to be near them.

I'm gonna follow her.

Uh, Caroline Channing?

Hi, I'm Doug Reynolds, I'm a professor at Wharton.

Hey, I went to Wharton.

Yeah, I know.

I saw your interview in Time Out.

You mentioned it several times.

Once when you were asked

where the dessert bar was located.

Well, it is east of Wharton.

You haven't heard her Wharton song.

Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton

Wharton, Wharton, Wharton Wharton, Wharton

Yeah, it's not a great song,

but the story about how you built your business

from the ashes of your father's infamy,

that's inspiring.

You're the business world's Rudy.

Well, now you're just quoting me.

Hi, I'm "Partner."

Howdy, Partner.

Hey, I teach a business class over at Penn

because the stock market crashed in 2008.

I would love it if both of you would come

and talk to the students.

Like a scared-straight thing?

Not the pen.

Penn, the University of Pennsylvania.

-That's where Wharton is. -Hmm.

If you'd listen to my whole song,

you'd hear it in the third verse.

We'd pay for your train to Philadelphia

and campus housing.

-Ooh. -We'd love to come.

Right, partner?

And my parole officer,

mother, guidance counselor,

and the state of Rhode Island

said I'd never go to college.

I can get your email from the website.

I'll send you the info.

We have a site?

I hope there are no nudies of me on it

'cause Larry Flynt owns the rights to my image.

-You know what this means? -Uh...

Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton

Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton...

One bong or two?

Max, this is a business trip.

We're not going to Comic-Con with Woody Harrelson.

Wait, is that on the table?

Anyway, this is your trip

for the dessert bar.

So again, one bong or two?

I am never gonna live down the "partner" thing, am I?

Like when I threw away those bath salts to save your life.

I wasn't gonna eat your face.

I am not having this argument with you again.

I'm not mad about the partner thing.

I'm excited to go to college. I already told Randy,

and he's gonna send me a care package.

Emphasis on the package.

I broke up with my high school boyfriend

when I went to college just to keep my options open.

Pfft, you're in Time Out New York with Pizza Rat.

What's that loser doing now?

It was Mark Zuckerberg.

Just tell me about the parties at college

'cause that's the only reason I'm going.

Oh,

they were epic.

You know what they say,

if you remember the parties at Wharton,

you weren't there.

You weren't here, were you?

-No. -Okay.

But some of those all-night study sessions

got pretty punchy.

Like whackadoo.

You're making me punchy right now.

Hey, girls,

Oleg isn't here, is he?

Do you hear us screaming "get out" or "put that away"?

He keeps wanting to bond with the baby.

Why can't he be more like the men in Poland?

Why can't he be in Poland is my question.

I mean, they wouldn't even be in the same room as their baby girl

until it was time to sell her off.

You know, my father's first words to me were,

"Next item up for bid."

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but Oleg's not wrong here.

He's wrong, literally, everywhere else.

Oh, it must be Oleg.

-Hide us. -Hide you?

That carriage can be seen from space.

All right, tell Oleg I'm definitely not in the barn.

Yeah, now,

I'm gonna be in the barn.

This is where we put up grad students

and occasional guest lecturers

who are too poor to stay in a hotel.

Losers.

You guys got any towels?

You'll have to forgive Max.

She's just excited to be here.

We know, obviously, there'll be a bath sheet

and a hand towel for each of us.

Right?

And here's your bedroom.

I'm the RA, but don't worry,

I'm not super uptight.

Just no noise after 10:00 or I'll come at you hard.

You'll have no problems from us.

I was an RA when I went to school here.

I'm Caroline Channing.

The.

Caroline Channing?

You're Buzzkill Channing?

I knew Caroline wasn't your real name.

You're the most legendary RA we've ever had.

I heard you once threw a kid out of a second-story window.

That's just a myth,

but a hookah pipe did take flight.

And I was a hookah

by the airport.

Well, it's an honor to have your here, Buzzkill.

I'm gonna have to search your trash bag before you leave.

Everything good's gonna be in my butt.

She's fun.

Okay, let's unpack,

get our shower buckets organized.

I'm unpacked. Let's go par-tois.

How many flasks do you have?

I already took two away from you.

Now, you be the audience.

I need to practice my speech for tomorrow.

We need to party.

Tonight needs to end with us driving a police car

into a fountain on the quad or it is a fail.

I am not here to party.

I am here to-- to show people

with determination and perspiration,

you can become an inspiration.

Max, what do you think of that?

Max?

Max?

I'm not organizing your shower bucket.

Caroline, are you awake?

No.

It's cool, she's up. Come on in.

Who are these people?

I'm sorry, but we had to leave the bar.

The roof was on fire.

At first we thought the DJ was just

getting the party started, but it actually was.

Anyway, we'll try not to keep it down.

Okay, who's next? I washed it out.

Nobody else throw up in this thing.

I mean it.

After I crush this,

you wanna come back to my dorm room?

I have a junior suite.

You're sweet, Junior.

but I have a boyfriend who could be your father.

He also could be my father, I've never met the man.

Uh, Buzzkill, 3:00.

Just a minute, young man.

There is no underage drinking here.

This is college.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Oleg.

I lost Sophie again.

She's like a sexy set of car keys.

Hey!

No random, uncommitted sex here.

This is college.

I have a computer full of videos that says you're wrong.

Oleg, I can't talk now.

I have my own problems. I don't know where the RA is,

so I've had to step up.

We're like the Marines of no funny business.

That better not be a joint.

Yeah, that's a doobie, brother.

Sophie won't even let me feed Barbara.

She says fathers aren't equipped for the job.

Well, she does have a point. You don't have boobs.

Anyone ever tell you you're a real buzzkill?

I have to go.

I hear zippers unzipping.

Were you just on the phone with Poison Control?

Because I told you, Steve's gonna be fine.

See? Breathing, I think.

Now take off your top and shotgun a beer with me.

Max, my speech is tomorrow,

and this top gets a lot of compliments.

I just want you to have fun at college for once.

Can you do that for me?

I do things for you all the time.

You remember when I told your date

it was Chestnut that farted.

Fine.

If I have one drink, will you roll Steve out of here

and get everyone to leave?

all: Buzzkill!

- Whoo! - all:

Who's the buzzkill now, bitches?

Ah...

corrupting dorks is meaningful work.

Who wants to see me pretend bang Steve again?

Do it for real!

Caroline, what are you doing?

You of all people should know,

you can't have a party here.

This is college.

Pfft, get off my back, narc.

Ooh, who's this?

My fiancé.

Guess we gotta make it even.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I love College Caroline

so much more than all other Carolines.

Damn, college is fun.

I'm glad I went.

Oh, no, I'm late!

That's impossible. You haven't had sex in years.

Also, you look like an Italian grandmother.

Oh, my God!

Who did this to me?

This was the compromise.

They wanted to shave your head.

I am still a little drunk,

and I forget what was in my speech,

and I look like a very pretty Burt Reynolds

and this is all your fault!

Is the implication here that Burt Reynolds isn't pretty?

Yes, it is my fault for forcing you

to have the time of your life

and make out with those dudes.

Max, you don't even--

dudes?

Plural?

How many dudes?

I lost count after the third Chet.

I can't believe you did this to me.

It was more like you doing it to them.

Max, I am serious right now.

Calm down, Luigi.

Max, I know you were mad

about the Time Out interview and the "partner" thing,

but I can't believe you sabotaged me on purpose.

Okay, first of all,

I don't think about you that much.

I am sorry I didn't give you credit,

but ruining this for me is so much worse.

This was gonna be my comeback.

I wasn't mad.

You were the only one upset about it.

I don't care about that stuff.

Honestly, I just wanted you to have a good time.

I didn't need to have a good time.

I needed to make people jealous.

Who's gonna be jealous of me now?

Guys that can't grow facial hair?

Look, you were great at school

and last night you were great at having fun at school.

You're lucky. I have last night,

but I'll never get to have both.

What're you talking about?

You're the smart one.

You deserve your moment of triumph,

but you also deserve not to be Buzzkill Channing

for the rest of your life.

You really weren't mad about the interview?

A little,

but I'm always a little mad at you.

I'm sorry if I screwed things up.

You don't have to be.

I really did have fun, Max.

See if you like the googly-eyes I drew around your nipples.

Fun how they go in different directions.

Sorry we're late.

I had to scrub the googly-eyes off my--

bicycle traffic.

Well, let's get started.

I'm supposed to have lunch with my son, Steve.

We had a little fight last night before he left for a party.

If anything ever happened to him, I'd be devastated.

Praying for a different Steve.

Wow, you made out with half the people in this room.

I'm pretty sure you got one of the Chets pregnant.

Caroline Channing is an alumni of Wharton,

and also the brains behind

a thriving new dessert bar in Brooklyn,

and she is here to tell us how she did it.

Oh, also, um, whoever keeps writing "wash me"

in the back of my car, there's no R in wash.

Caroline.

It is a great honor to be here today.

I learned a lot at this fine institution.

Hard work, integrity,

a lot of math I'll never use.

There are a lot of smart people here,

but the smartest person I know,

I met waiting tables in a diner.

Max, turn around.

The other way.

And I am proud to call her my partner.

Gay.

This woman is the reason I'm here today.

She should be giving the speech because she's how I did it.

Her name is Max Black.

Um, what're you doing? You're leaving?

They're jealous enough,

and I want you to have your moment.

You should get to have both too.

And also, chug-chug has to puke-puke.

And, uh, all right...

I didn't go to college,

but after spending some time here,

I think I could teach you a few things.

Beer...

before liquor,

never sicker.

Liquor before beer,

never fear.

And weed before and after everything.

Also, pimps up, hos down.

Never...

get high on your own supply,

and, most importantly,

shake ya ass,

but watch yourself.

You should be taking notes. This'll be on the midterm.

Well, like most people straight out of college,

I'm at a job I don't wanna be at.

That's right.

She went back and got her degree in "Make-out Slut."

And we may have killed a guy.

I may have too.

I drove here without my glasses.

You know, in Poland, girls don't go to college.

They drop them in a lake,

and whoever doesn't drown is a witch.

Doesn't that make you a witch, Sophie?

No comment.

If it isn't Magic No-Johnson.

Pick a card, and don't show me what it is.

Don't worry, I'll hold it well above four feet.

Whatever puts the card in your hands, toots.

Was this your card?

Nope, it was the Queen of Hearts.

Oh, my God,

Han's a witch too!

Drown him!

I did it.

What hell have I unleashed?

Whatever it is, keep it in your training pants.

I should have just done traffic school online,

but, no, Han wanted to meet people.

Sophie,

I think I found the solution to all our problems.

Microwave in the headboard?

I've told you repeatedly,

the science just isn't there yet.

Make sure I get an email

when it is there.

This is about us

and Barbara.

I want to be more involved.

That's why I got these.

Moobs...

To feed Barbara with.

Great, now I'm jealous of Oleg's rack.

If he puts Dr. Pepper in there, so am I.

Oleg,

tell me you kept your ding-dong.

Oh, yeah.

I'm just Mrs. Doubtfiring it for the time being.

We've gotta get that kid out of that house.

Well, you know what, Barbara?

You're really lucky to have such a good father.

I guess I have been bogarting baby Barbara.

Yeah, it really is sweet that you did that, Oleg.

My eyes are up here, Caroline.

We're out of milk in the kitchen.

I really hope Earl milking Oleg

is our rock bottom.

It won't be.