All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls (2011) - S06E05 - And the College Experience (1080p AMZN

Ladies and waitresses,

I am the great Han-dini!

Somewhere there's
a top of a wedding cake

missing its groom.

I went to traffic school
this weekend

and was taught by a magician.

My traffic school
was taught by a comedian.

It wasn't funny,
but at least I saw

what Jon Lovitz was up to.

Did you get a DWI?

Driving while itty-bitty?

I ran a series of red lights.

I received word there had been
a Squirtle sighting.

And now, I'm about
to pull a rabbit

-out of a hat.
-Big deal.

I just pulled half a raccoon
out of the toilet.

Presto!

This is making me depressed-o.

Where are you?

Pick up.

Salad with a rabbit on it.

He just can't serve a salad
without a hare in it.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Amazing news:

I found a penny.

And our dessert bar
is in Time Out Magazine.

Whoa!
"Where are they now?

Pizza Rat!"

Not that.
Our piece is right here

next to this Walking Dead ad.

Oh, wait,
that's Michael Douglas.

So, the walking dead.

"Former scandal queen
Caroline Channing's

cozy Brooklyn dessert bar,
M&C's, that's beaut--"

"Caroline Channing's
dessert bar"?

This place isn't like
your sex life, Caroline.

You're not doing it
all by yourself.

I don't even do it
by myself anymore.

I was talking too much,

and, look, I mentioned you
right here.

"Partner."

I'm more than just the partner,

I'm the creative inspiration.

I'm Steve Jobs
and you're the fat guy

that drives a Segway.

I tried to include you.

I told you
the interview was on Monday,

and you said
that's your whippit night.

Oh, I whipped it.

Whipped it good.

Caroline, back that ass up.

I don't want anyone
too close to my baby.

Is that why you dipped her
in perfume?

I want everyone
to treat little Barbara

like Mariah Carey

and never look
directly in her eyes.

Is that why
she's wearing sunglasses?

I just got off.

And also, I'm done with work.

Okay.

There's my girls.

We're not your girls, Oleg.

I have it in writing
from a judge.

Oleg, give her some space.

Her spray tan
hasn't even dried yet.

Sophie, I've been reading
a parenting blog called

"So, You've Ruined Your Life,"

and they say it's very important
for a dad to bond with his baby.

I think that's only true
for human dads.

Maybe you can
bond with the baby later.

You know,
like, when she has a baby.

I can't wait 12 years.

Sophie, I'm her father.

I helped make her.

This wasn't
a Virgin Marski situation.

There was nothing immaculate
about this conception.

Well, the fun part's over now.

Yeah, she's mine.

Excuse you.

She's getting really good
with that thing.

I'm gonna do what I do
when all women tell me

not to be near them.

I'm gonna follow her.

Uh, Caroline Channing?

Hi, I'm Doug Reynolds,
I'm a professor at Wharton.

Hey, I went to Wharton.

Yeah, I know.

I saw your interview
in Time Out.

You mentioned it several times.

Once when you were asked

where the dessert bar
was located.

Well, it is east of Wharton.

You haven't heard
her Wharton song.

Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton

Wharton, Wharton, Wharton
Wharton, Wharton

Yeah, it's not a great song,

but the story about
how you built your business

from the ashes
of your father's infamy,

that's inspiring.

You're the business world's
Rudy.

Well, now you're just
quoting me.

Hi, I'm "Partner."

Howdy, Partner.

Hey, I teach a business class
over at Penn

because the stock market crashed
in 2008.

I would love it
if both of you would come

and talk to the students.

Like a scared-straight thing?

Not the pen.

Penn,
the University of Pennsylvania.

-That's where Wharton is.
-Hmm.

If you'd listen
to my whole song,

you'd hear it
in the third verse.

We'd pay for your train
to Philadelphia

and campus housing.

-Ooh.
-We'd love to come.

Right, partner?

And my parole officer,

mother,
guidance counselor,

and the state of Rhode Island

said I'd never go to college.

I can get your email
from the website.

I'll send you the info.

We have a site?

I hope there are no nudies
of me on it

'cause Larry Flynt owns
the rights to my image.

-You know what this means?
-Uh...

Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton

Wharton, Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton...

One bong or two?

Max, this is a business trip.

We're not going to Comic-Con
with Woody Harrelson.

Wait, is that on the table?

Anyway, this is your trip

for the dessert bar.

So again, one bong or two?

I am never gonna live down
the "partner" thing, am I?

Like when I threw away those
bath salts to save your life.

I wasn't gonna eat your face.

I am not having this argument
with you again.

I'm not mad
about the partner thing.

I'm excited to go to college.
I already told Randy,

and he's gonna send me
a care package.

Emphasis on the package.

I broke up
with my high school boyfriend

when I went to college
just to keep my options open.

Pfft, you're in Time Out
New York with Pizza Rat.

What's that loser doing now?

It was Mark Zuckerberg.

Just tell me about
the parties at college

'cause that's
the only reason I'm going.

Oh,

they were epic.

You know what they say,

if you remember
the parties at Wharton,

you weren't there.

You weren't here, were you?

-No.
-Okay.

But some of those
all-night study sessions

got pretty punchy.

Like whackadoo.

You're making me punchy
right now.

Hey, girls,

Oleg isn't here, is he?

Do you hear us screaming
"get out" or "put that away"?

He keeps wanting
to bond with the baby.

Why can't he be more like
the men in Poland?

Why can't he be in Poland
is my question.

I mean, they wouldn't even be in
the same room as their baby girl

until it was time
to sell her off.

You know, my father's
first words to me were,

"Next item up for bid."

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but Oleg's not wrong here.

He's wrong, literally,
everywhere else.

Oh, it must be Oleg.

-Hide us.
-Hide you?

That carriage can be seen
from space.

All right, tell Oleg
I'm definitely not in the barn.

Yeah, now,

I'm gonna be in the barn.

This is where we put up
grad students

and occasional guest lecturers

who are too poor
to stay in a hotel.

Losers.

You guys got any towels?

You'll have to forgive Max.

She's just excited to be here.

We know, obviously,
there'll be a bath sheet

and a hand towel for each of us.

Right?

And here's your bedroom.

I'm the RA,
but don't worry,

I'm not super uptight.

Just no noise after 10:00
or I'll come at you hard.

You'll have no problems from us.

I was an RA
when I went to school here.

I'm Caroline Channing.

The.

Caroline Channing?

You're Buzzkill Channing?

I knew Caroline wasn't
your real name.

You're the most legendary RA
we've ever had.

I heard you once threw a kid
out of a second-story window.

That's just a myth,

but a hookah pipe
did take flight.

And I was a hookah

by the airport.

Well, it's an honor
to have your here, Buzzkill.

I'm gonna have to search
your trash bag before you leave.

Everything good's gonna be
in my butt.

She's fun.

Okay, let's unpack,

get our shower buckets
organized.

I'm unpacked.
Let's go par-tois.

How many flasks do you have?

I already took two away
from you.

Now, you be the audience.

I need to practice my speech
for tomorrow.

We need to party.

Tonight needs to end
with us driving a police car

into a fountain on the quad
or it is a fail.

I am not here to party.

I am here to--
to show people

with determination
and perspiration,

you can become an inspiration.

Max, what do you think of that?

Max?

Max?

I'm not organizing
your shower bucket.

Caroline, are you awake?

No.

It's cool, she's up.
Come on in.

Who are these people?

I'm sorry, but we had
to leave the bar.

The roof was on fire.

At first we thought
the DJ was just

getting the party started,
but it actually was.

Anyway, we'll try not
to keep it down.

Okay, who's next?
I washed it out.

Nobody else
throw up in this thing.

I mean it.

After I crush this,

you wanna come back
to my dorm room?

I have a junior suite.

You're sweet, Junior.

but I have a boyfriend
who could be your father.

He also could be my father,
I've never met the man.

Uh, Buzzkill, 3:00.

Just a minute, young man.

There is no underage drinking
here.

This is college.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Oleg.

I lost Sophie again.

She's like
a sexy set of car keys.

Hey!

No random,
uncommitted sex here.

This is college.

I have a computer full of videos
that says you're wrong.

Oleg, I can't talk now.

I have my own problems.
I don't know where the RA is,

so I've had to step up.

We're like the Marines
of no funny business.

That better not be a joint.

Yeah, that's a doobie, brother.

Sophie won't even
let me feed Barbara.

She says fathers aren't equipped
for the job.

Well, she does have a point.
You don't have boobs.

Anyone ever tell you
you're a real buzzkill?

I have to go.

I hear zippers unzipping.

Were you just on the phone
with Poison Control?

Because I told you,
Steve's gonna be fine.

See?
Breathing, I think.

Now take off your top
and shotgun a beer with me.

Max, my speech is tomorrow,

and this top gets
a lot of compliments.

I just want you
to have fun at college for once.

Can you do that for me?

I do things for you
all the time.

You remember when
I told your date

it was Chestnut that farted.

Fine.

If I have one drink,
will you roll Steve out of here

and get everyone to leave?

all:
Buzzkill!

- Whoo!
- all:

Who's the buzzkill now, bitches?

Ah...

corrupting dorks
is meaningful work.

Who wants to see me
pretend bang Steve again?

Do it for real!

Caroline, what are you doing?

You of all people should know,

you can't have a party here.

This is college.

Pfft, get off my back, narc.

Ooh, who's this?

My fiancé.

Guess we gotta make it even.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
I love College Caroline

so much more
than all other Carolines.

Damn, college is fun.

I'm glad I went.

Oh, no, I'm late!

That's impossible.
You haven't had sex in years.

Also, you look like
an Italian grandmother.

Oh, my God!

Who did this to me?

This was the compromise.

They wanted to shave your head.

I am still a little drunk,

and I forget
what was in my speech,

and I look like
a very pretty Burt Reynolds

and this is all your fault!

Is the implication here
that Burt Reynolds isn't pretty?

Yes, it is my fault
for forcing you

to have the time of your life

and make out with those dudes.

Max, you don't even--

dudes?

Plural?

How many dudes?

I lost count
after the third Chet.

I can't believe
you did this to me.

It was more like
you doing it to them.

Max, I am serious right now.

Calm down, Luigi.

Max, I know you were mad

about the Time Out interview
and the "partner" thing,

but I can't believe
you sabotaged me on purpose.

Okay, first of all,

I don't think about you
that much.

I am sorry
I didn't give you credit,

but ruining this for me
is so much worse.

This was gonna be my comeback.

I wasn't mad.

You were the only one
upset about it.

I don't care about that stuff.

Honestly, I just wanted you
to have a good time.

I didn't need
to have a good time.

I needed to make people jealous.

Who's gonna be
jealous of me now?

Guys that can't
grow facial hair?

Look, you were great at school

and last night you were great
at having fun at school.

You're lucky.
I have last night,

but I'll never get to have both.

What're you talking about?

You're the smart one.

You deserve
your moment of triumph,

but you also deserve
not to be Buzzkill Channing

for the rest of your life.

You really weren't mad
about the interview?

A little,

but I'm always
a little mad at you.

I'm sorry
if I screwed things up.

You don't have to be.

I really did have fun, Max.

See if you like the googly-eyes
I drew around your nipples.

Fun how they go
in different directions.

Sorry we're late.

I had to scrub the googly-eyes
off my--

bicycle traffic.

Well, let's get started.

I'm supposed to have lunch
with my son, Steve.

We had a little fight last night
before he left for a party.

If anything ever happened
to him, I'd be devastated.

Praying for a different Steve.

Wow, you made out with half
the people in this room.

I'm pretty sure you got
one of the Chets pregnant.

Caroline Channing is
an alumni of Wharton,

and also the brains behind

a thriving new dessert bar
in Brooklyn,

and she is here
to tell us how she did it.

Oh, also, um, whoever
keeps writing "wash me"

in the back of my car,
there's no R in wash.

Caroline.

It is a great honor
to be here today.

I learned a lot
at this fine institution.

Hard work, integrity,

a lot of math I'll never use.

There are
a lot of smart people here,

but the smartest person I know,

I met waiting tables in a diner.

Max, turn around.

The other way.

And I am proud
to call her my partner.

Gay.

This woman is
the reason I'm here today.

She should be giving the speech
because she's how I did it.

Her name is Max Black.

Um, what're you doing?
You're leaving?

They're jealous enough,

and I want you
to have your moment.

You should get to have both too.

And also, chug-chug
has to puke-puke.

And, uh, all right...

I didn't go to college,

but after spending
some time here,

I think I could teach you
a few things.

Beer...

before liquor,

never sicker.

Liquor before beer,

never fear.

And weed before
and after everything.

Also, pimps up, hos down.

Never...

get high on your own supply,

and, most importantly,

shake ya ass,

but watch yourself.

You should be taking notes.
This'll be on the midterm.

Well, like most people
straight out of college,

I'm at a job
I don't wanna be at.

That's right.

She went back and got her degree
in "Make-out Slut."

And we may have killed a guy.

I may have too.

I drove here without my glasses.

You know, in Poland,
girls don't go to college.

They drop them in a lake,

and whoever doesn't drown
is a witch.

Doesn't that make you a witch,
Sophie?

No comment.

If it isn't Magic No-Johnson.

Pick a card,
and don't show me what it is.

Don't worry, I'll hold it
well above four feet.

Whatever puts the card
in your hands, toots.

Was this your card?

Nope, it was
the Queen of Hearts.

Oh, my God,

Han's a witch too!

Drown him!

I did it.

What hell have I unleashed?

Whatever it is,
keep it in your training pants.

I should have just
done traffic school online,

but, no, Han wanted
to meet people.

Sophie,

I think I found the solution
to all our problems.

Microwave in the headboard?

I've told you repeatedly,

the science
just isn't there yet.

Make sure I get an email

when it is there.

This is about us

and Barbara.

I want to be more involved.

That's why I got these.

Moobs...

To feed Barbara with.

Great, now I'm jealous
of Oleg's rack.

If he puts Dr. Pepper in there,
so am I.

Oleg,

tell me you kept your ding-dong.

Oh, yeah.

I'm just Mrs. Doubtfiring it
for the time being.

We've gotta get that kid
out of that house.

Well, you know what, Barbara?

You're really lucky
to have such a good father.

I guess I have been
bogarting baby Barbara.

Yeah, it really is sweet
that you did that, Oleg.

My eyes are up here, Caroline.

We're out of milk
in the kitchen.

I really hope Earl milking Oleg

is our rock bottom.

It won't be.