Original subtitles

Professor Friedman, thank you so much

for agreeing to meet with us.

I'm sure you have much better things

to be doing with your time.

- I do. - Right. Well,

I'm afraid we have some potentially upsetting news.

You see, Brian and I are... involved.

- Uh, romantically. - That's it?

I-I thought you were gonna tell me

you plagiarized something

or did a hit-and-run.

Oh, uh, it's just you said

you don't like it when students

in your symposium date.

Well, yeah, but I thought

maybe you'd be normal about it

and just do it behind my back.

Got it.

So, um, you don't need this

written statement formally disclosing our relationship?

No. Just don't let things get messy.

You're both smart and...

- mildly tolerable. - Thank you.

I don't want to have to replace one of you.

Understood. Uh, we will be careful,

take things slow, and, um...

just not let it get messy.

Absolutely. No mess here.

Sex is so much better with someone

who stimulates your mind.

Yeah, I agree.

The Foucault Reader. I didn't know you were a fan.

Yeah, I love Foucault.

His philosophy on prison reform

was so ahead of its time.

You're so fucking smart.

Kevin, what the hell?

Sorry. My bad, Brian. I...

Hey, I don't think we've officially met. I'm Kevin.

- Kevin, get out. - Okay, okay, okay.

Where were we?

- Oh, yeah, Foucault. - Foucault.

♪ Have to let it go ♪

♪ With our hands still shaking... ♪

Mmm, this is good. What is this?

It's actually just whipped cream.

It's called the puppy cup, and technically, it's for dogs,

but they don't know who's drinking it.

Oh, that explains why

the name on my cup is "Bandit."

Well, thanks for meeting up.

I feel like things have been a bit weird between us

ever since I've told you how many people I slept with.

Uh, yeah, about that, I owe you an apology.

I didn't react to that well.

Hey, tell you what, though, say your number again,

and I promise I'll react a lot better this time.

- 20. - 20?!

No way, that's, like, my favorite even number.

Well, I'm ready to move past it if you are.

I am. Especially now that I got tested.

I feel a lot better knowing that I didn't catch any STIs.

Wait, uh, what? Sorry, you mean from me?

Yeah, but that means you're clean, too.

So, that's good news.

But you still should get tested

for HPV, since there's no test for men.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's really, really good to know.

Kimberly, you haven't touched your food. What's wrong?

I lost my appetite.

Do you know who's coming to speak at Essex?

- Nathan Riggs. - Ugh, wait,

fuck that guy. Didn't he write a book about women

- called Baby Makers? - Yup.

Oh, my weird, distant cousin loves him,

which means he's really bad.

I can't believe that Essex is giving

this piece of shit a platform.

Whoa.

Bela, you just sighed so hard it blew my napkin away.

Are you pissed about Nathan Riggs, too?

Who? No.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm pissed because Arvind thinks I'm a dirty slut

with a bunch of STIs.

- He said that? - Not in so many words,

but he did run to get tested

as soon as I told him how many people I've slept with.

Does he not know how often you get tested?

I mean, no offense.

No, none taken.

I may be a slut, but I'm an ethical slut.

I go to the health clinic so often

they invited me to their staff holiday party.

The nurse there is my emergency contact.

Why is it that guys can brag about how many women

they've slept with, but women can't?

I worked hard on my numbers. Especially number eight.

Remember that Victorian Studies major?

I had to read so much Dickens just to get that dick in.

Sorry, I know you're, like, upset,

but this is the funniest you've ever been.

Yeah, you're always trying so hard to be funny,

but you're, like, actually being funny.

Seriously. You know, there's a storytelling show at Sips.

You should perform at it.

Me? But I hate being

the center of attention. I'll check it out.

So, I have a big update.

You and Canaan are officially back together? Ah!

No, Isaiah and I just broke things off.

- But I am seeing someone new. - What?

- I'm gonna start therapy. - Ugh, that's amazing. - Wow! Good for you.

Yeah, I don't know if you guys noticed,

but I've been feeling kind of overwhelmed lately.

- Oh... - No way. - What?

- Hmm... - Oh, hmm.

Okay, damn, so you did notice.

I guess it's a good thing I'm going.

Therapy is really important.

I think everyone should do it.

I can't yet because

I'm still gathering my mistakes,

so it would be a waste right now,

but I'm happy you're going.

Well, girls, I have a little treat for everyone.

These are $10 gift cards to the frozen yogurt shop.

Aw, you shouldn't have.

But also, why did you?

Um, because I'd like for you to use them tonight,

so that I can have the room to myself.

For a very special reason.

- Oh, my God. - For sex?

So that I can be one with Cooper.

- Oh, wow, the wording. - Oh, my God, this is incredible.

What positions are you gonna do? I can help you.

I have a Google Doc full of my favorites.

- I'll share it right now. - No, I'm all set.

I'm ready. I worked all morning to set up my room

to be the perfect place for my first time.

- That's really sweet. - I'm so happy for you.

Yeah, let me show you.

- Don't you just love it? - Wow.

It's exactly how I've always imagined it.

Isn't it perfect?

- Uh-huh. - Mm...

It's very... princess.

Thank you. And this isn't even the full effect.

I've also prepared a playlist of songs

from the most romantic Disney kissing scenes.

- And are you looking for feedback? - Not really.

- I love it! - It's great. - How cool!

Okay, well, I should get going.

I don't want to cry yet.

Oh... Okay.

Yet?

♪ I just want another dance with you. ♪

So, I'd love to avoid

talking about my mom, my dad,

and anyone I've dated, past or present.

Oh, and childhood traumas involving pets.

Got it. Yeah.

Um, that leaves me with a lot to, uh, not work with.

Is it normal to start therapy

by listing what you don't want to talk about?

Around here, we don't really use

the word "normal."

So, um, is it common?

- No. - Got it.

So, Whitney, uh, what brought you in today?

Oh, uh, right.

I guess I've just been feeling overwhelmed

for, like, months.

Between my classes and labs and practices and games

and friendships, I just, I feel like I have more things

to do than I can possibly get done.

And sometimes the stress of it all

makes me panic so badly

that I can't think straight,

and all of the things that I have to do

just keep piling higher,

and I just want a little break.

Yeah. And what's stopping you from that?

Oh, from taking a break?

Uh... I don't know, everything.

Just 'cause I want something doesn't mean I can have it.

Well, you keep saying want,

but it sounds like it's something you need.

What's the difference?

Well, for example,

I want to eat at Arby's for every meal,

but I need to fit into a tight karate gi

for my blue belt test.

So, I will eat at Arby's

afterwards to celebrate.

- Does that make sense? - No.

You need a day off.

I can't do that.

My soccer team is in the playoffs,

my coach would never go for that.

Whitney, you know,

when you tell someone what you need,

their reaction shows you a lot about them.

A day off is not a big ask.

I take them all the time.

Take one every year for my dog's birthday.

- I like that. - So does my dog.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, I-I will... take a day.

Wow. So that was therapy?

Uh, no, you actually still have 43 minutes to fill.

Should we talk about your parents' divorce?

I didn't tell you my parents were divorced.

I can just always tell.

Ah.

Taylor! God, you missed

such a good FAF meeting today.

We sang "Happy Birthday" to that really quiet girl

- whose name everyone forgets. - Mavis?

Is that it? God, I literally just looked this up.

On some level, I am going to miss

- those boring meetings. - What do you mean miss?

Oh, I am leaving the dorms. I'm moving in with Ash.

A bunch of space just opened up

at my place because my roommate

finally got called up to Cirque du Soleil.

Someone fell.

Uh, Ash, could you excuse us for a moment?

Oh, yeah.

You're moving out of North Conn?

Taylor, this is crazy.

Is it?

Or is it crazy to keep living

with my straight roommate

who I was briefly in love with

but got rejected by mid-kiss at a gay rodeo?

Okay, fair point, but

don't you think it's a little early to move in with Ash?

Aren't you supposed to be avoiding major life changes

in the midst of your sobriety?

This is like trading one kind of obsession for another.

That is ridiculous.

Ash is nothing like alcohol.

She has never made me piss my pants in a taxi.

I think I know what's best for you here.

Well, since I'm moving out of the dorm,

you're not gonna be my FAF anymore,

so kind of doesn't matter what you think.

So, should we all grab some food together?

It feels like grilled cheese weather.

Are you okay?

- What-what did I miss? - We're fine.

Thank you for your help, Bela.

You can have whatever I've left in the dorm.

Like that weird radio

that you gave me, it keeps beeping.

The carbon monoxide detector?

Is that what that is?

Okay, you really need to check on it.

It's very upset.

That's really scary.

♪ Like I'm famous ♪

♪ Who doesn't love a little chaos? ♪

♪ Like a movie right before the first kiss, kiss ♪

♪ Anticipation got me living in bliss, bliss ♪

♪ Dolled up, all my friends, call me up, night's young ♪

♪ We want to have fun ♪

♪ La, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la-la ♪

♪ Want to have fun ♪

♪ La, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la-la ♪

♪ We want to have fun ♪

♪ La, la-la, la-la, la-la... ♪

Oh, hey, sign-up sheet's over there.

No, I'm actually just watching the show.

Really?

We don't get a lot of real audience members.

Everyone in the crowd is usually waiting to get onstage.

Except Soup Man.

Steer clear of the Soup Man.

- Does Sips sell soup? - They do not.

Let's stop saying the word "soup." He might come over.

So, how'd you hear about the show?

Uh, my friend. I used to do comedy last year,

so I thought I'd check it out.

If you do comedy, we could really use you onstage.

We got a lot of people who like to do loud,

a-rhythmic slam poetry,

which is as unfunny as it sounds.

I'll think about it.

Well, I'd better get the show started.

We have four hours of stories to get through.

Wow, that's a lot of storytellers.

No, that's the worst part.

Just a few really long, bad ones.

- Oh, no. - Yeah.

Okay, let's get started. Please take your seats.

Welcome to the show, everyone. I'm your host Haley.

And remember, I'm gay,

so using the bathroom during any of my stories is

technically a hate crime.

And if you feel a yawn coming on,

please hold it for the next performer.

♪ I was young, I thought of love ♪

♪ As something like a dream... ♪

Oh, Cooper.

I'm so glad you're my first.

Yeah, me too.

Mm.

What's-what's on your window?

Oh, it's a print of a sunset.

I always imagined I'd lose my virginity at magic hour.

- Got it. Okay. - Yeah.

Yeah.

- I'm ready. - Oh.

I'm really, really ready.

I'm definitely, uh...

not ready.

Like, I'm very unready.

What's wrong? Is it me?

No. No. No, no, no.

Maybe?

Like, it's not you,

there's just kind of a lot going on in here.

Is it the twinkle lights?

I could switch them to disco mode.

Um... Oh.

Wow, that's something.

Well, let's see if that made you a little more ready.

Oh, not yet, okay.

Guys! Look what just came in.

It's my new...

weighted blanket.

That looks really heavy.

Yeah, the therapist suggested I get one for my anxiety,

so I looked online and found a company

that sells an 80-pounder.

I'm gonna smush myself to calm.

It sounds like therapy went well.

It did. Yeah, the therapist was so helpful.

He encouraged me

to take today off from my responsibilities

to just relax.

Oh, that's great. I love that for you.

- Yeah. - You really deserve it.

Huh! Okay.

Yeah, this is good.

Definitely not doing anything today 'cause I can't move.

Does anyone want a bunch of twinkly string lights?

Since I'm remaining a virgin, I won't be needing them.

It didn't happen?

No.

Maybe he's just not as into me as I thought he was.

You did have a lot going on in your room.

Maybe just give him some space and check in later?

I wish I could avoid him, but I have to see him again

in two hours for rehearsal.

The key to successfully

avoiding someone is to show up late,

leave early,

and never make eye contact.

People do it to me all the time. Really works.

Okay. I don't think I can pull that off, but I'll try.

Well, I have something exciting to share.

I sent my first ever nude pic.

- What? - Kimberly Finkle!

I actually really enjoyed the experience.

It was very empowering to celebrate my body,

especially my boobs and both nipples.

And, of course, I kept my face out of it

and took it against

a nondescript section of my beige wall.

Beige? Getting sexier by the minute.

Taking nudes is the best.

Sometimes I set a slideshow of mine to music

and just watch it back like they're photos

from a family vacation.

I took, like, 72 test shots,

but I'm really proud of the one I sent.

Can I... show you guys?

- Yes! - Of course!

Yay.

Good God, your boobs are stunning.

This is inspiring. Should I send a nude to Cooper?

Right, no. Give him space.

- Uh-oh. - What?

Kimberly, this is a live photo.

When I hold my finger down, it shows your face.

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Why are live photos even a thing?

Photos shouldn't move, they're photos.

It's fine.

I can barely tell it's you.

Except for the high school diploma in the background.

Oh, my God. No!

I've spent so long trying to keep my record clean,

and now my face and boobs are basically on Getty Images.

No, don't spiral. It's just one guy.

And I'm sure if you ask Brian he'll delete the photo.

Yeah, and if you need help calming down before then,

just slide in. Ow.

How did that hurt my hand?

I feel like they sewed metal

into the lining or something.

What's up?

- You okay? - Yeah.

It's just about what I sent earlier.

I realized my face is in the picture

and I'm kind of freaking out.

Can you delete it?

Are you sure? It was really hot.

Thanks.

But I really would prefer if you deleted it.

Okay, I-I'll do it later.

I think I'd feel better if you did it now.

In front of me. I just want to know it's gone.

What, now?

Do you not trust me or something?

This feels really weird.

I'm sorry, are you mad at me?

Yeah, kind of.

I was excited to see you.

You just came in with this really off-putting energy.

I just don't want a naked photo of myself out there.

What do you mean "out there"?

You think I'm gonna send it around to people?

Fine, it's gone.

Thanks.

Okay, I guess I'll go.

Yeah, sounds good.

There is no greater feeling

than when one of my drama students begins

working professionally.

Therefore I am thrilled to announce:

Heather will be

leaving Essex to compete

on the next season of Survivor Teens.

Of course, because she was

the lead in the musical,

I will have to recast her role very quickly.

I'd like to be considered.

Thank you for your interest. I'm not sure

that's what's best for the show.

Um, I know someone who would be right for the show.

♪ And that person ♪

♪ Is me. ♪

I appreciate everyone's... enthusiasm,

but I will be making this decision myself.

I think it should be Kacey.

I mean, respectfully.

I think she'd make a great scene partner.

Does tech crew get a vote?

- Lars. - Hi.

Sorry. I know I'm only

supposed to weigh in

on lighting and sound stuff,

but it should clearly be Kacey.

Well, since everyone suddenly thinks

this production is a democracy,

and you all think it should be Kacey,

then fine.

I'd love to see her try.

Maybe she'll rise to the challenge.

Uh... are you okay? I haven't seen you this mad since

Soup Man told you you look prettier when you smile.

I'm in a mood.

Brian and I had a weird fight over a nude I sent him.

I asked him to delete my picture,

and he got all gaslight-y

and made it seem like I was being unreasonable.

- Hold on. Deleted it from what? - From his phone.

Bitch, you never heard of the cloud?

That pic is at least still on his computer,

or worse, being group-jacked to by incels on the dark web.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe I have to go talk to him about this again.

We left things in such a bad place.

I'll go. Give me five minutes alone with him,

and I will get you the answers you need.

I know you're joking, but I...

Oh, I'm dead serious.

I will kick him

in the dick, hard.

Thank you, but physical violence

won't be necessary.

Al though it would be nice to have you there

for support.

I'm in.

Let's go get rid of that pic

of your tig ol' bitties.

Not today, girl.

Let's go.

Why do you have so much pep in your step today?

I haven't seen you this happy

since Bela's tie got caught in an elevator.

I'm feeling good because I'm taking

a day off to get my mind right.

- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.

Are you sure you can do that?

Coach made me practice the day I got LASIK.

I couldn't see shit.

I had to rely on echolocation, like a damn bat.

Yeah, I know Coach Hale can be strict, but I'm sure

he'll understand once he knows how much I need this.

Absolutely not.

No days off.

Yeah, I know that's, like,

your motto or whatever, but this isn't optional for me.

I really need this.

For my mental health.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a joke.

Look, being in a bad mood isn't an excuse to miss practice.

I'm not in a bad mood.

Okay, I've done everything you've asked of me.

I-I played through an injury.

Okay, but if you're not at practice,

you can't start in the playoffs.

What?

I mean, it's just one practice.

And resting's gonna help me play better.

Sorry, my answer is "no."

Wow. Okay.

Uh, well, then I guess don't worry

- about benching me because I quit. - Well...

Oh, man.

Whoa, whoa. Whitney, are you okay?

Huh? I'm fine.

I-I just, um,

I just quit soccer, and I think I'm having a panic attack.

Okay, okay. Uh, well, just-just cool down.

Just-just, uh, breathe, just...

Okay.

I need you to lay on me.

- Huh? - My weighted blanket's in my room.

- Do you weigh at least 80 pounds? - Yeah, yeah, I do.

Actually, it doesn't matter.

Get on me. Now.

Okay. Okay.

- Like this? - Yes.

Okay, this is good. This is helping.

Okay. I'm glad.

Uh, is there anything else I can...?

Shh. Shh. Weighted blankets don't talk.

Okay.

What are you writing?

You've been working for, like, an hour,

and you haven't

checked your phone once.

I'm getting... manifesto energy.

I am putting together ideas

for a storytelling show.

Oh.

I love stories.

Except scary ones. Too scary.

So, what's your story about?

Well, um... your reaction

to my body count helped me realize

that I have all these funny sex stories,

and... I want to start sharing them.

Like one time I hooked up with a guy in the computer lab,

and afterwards, there was a full keyboard indented on my butt.

Um, why would you want to talk about that

in front of an audience?

Because I think it would be funny and thought-provoking.

Okay, well, I just don't know if I'm comfortable

with the entire campus...

knowing the graphic details of my girlfriend's sex life.

First of all, I'll be very surprised

if everyone on campus shows up for a storytelling show.

And why would people judge you based on my past?

If anything, they'll judge me.

Kind of like you did.

Okay, so, you're still mad about that?

No, it's fine. I'm just... I'm really excited about the show,

and I was hoping that you would be, too.

I am not.

I'm sorry, Bela.

I really like you.

But I-I don't know if I can see a future with someone who's okay

putting private things out in the open like this.

That's me, though.

I'm an open person, and I need to be with someone

who doesn't think less of me for it.

What are you saying? You're...

You're saying we should break up?

I guess so.

Bye, Arvind.

Hey, sorry to show up unannounced.

Oh. Hi, Kevin.

- I didn't know you'd be here. - Oh.

Hey. Don't mind me.

I'm just messing around with my kinetic sand.

I'm building a perfectly to-scale model

of a Scottish castle that...

Oh, no. The antechamber fell.

I assume you're here to talk about yesterday?

- Yup. - And what are you here for?

Mostly chime-ins.

I have another question about my picture.

Wait. Are you kidding?

I figured you'd come here to apologize.

Apologize?! This little bitch is out of his mind.

Continue, Kimberly.

So, I know you deleted my picture from your phone,

but I don't know if you have any other copies

- backed up somewhere. - God, you're so paranoid.

What is it exactly you think I'd do with this photo?

Kevin, shut the fuck up.

Wait. What was that about? Did you show him my photo?

What?! No, Kimberly, I...

You sound insane. Okay, you need to calm down.

Oh, I know this little ho-bag

did not just tell an insane woman to calm down.

Enough is enough.

Delete all the backups in front of us right now.

Okay. And if I don't, what are you gonna do?

Grab his phone, use his face to unlock it.

- Kevin! Help me! - If you fucking move,

Kevin, my foot will be on your dick so fast,

your balls will spin.

Sorry, dude. You're on your own.

Quit moving your face.

- I'm in. - What are you doing?

There are no more copies of that photo on my phone.

That's not what I'm looking for.

Okay, here it is.

- 312-675-2454? - Wait. That's my mom's number.

Yeah, and if you don't delete every single copy of my photo,

I bet she'd be really disappointed to find out

that her son is a disgusting scumbag.

- You wouldn't. - Oh, she would!

She loves talking to moms.

That's why she still has a Facebook account.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay, yeah. Okay. All right!

Fine. Jesus Christ.

Look, I'll... I'll delete the backups.

This just proves my point. You are crazy.

You know what? I'm okay with that.

I like being a little crazy.

- Me too, bitch. - Yeah.

Livin' the vida loca.

♪ Ah, da-da, da-da, da ♪

♪ Bitch, what's up? Ow! ♪

I don't understand how one person needs this much makeup.

Like, you have one face.

Just so you know, those two boxes are also makeup.

Ooh, could you pass me my lifter plump gloss?

I honestly have no idea how to find that,

or what part of your body it would go on.

Okay, well, it goes on your lips,

and it plumps them because it's spicy.

Thank God you're moving in. I have so much to learn.

Like, conditioner... is that...

an everyday thing,

or do I just use it at hotels?

Taylor? Are you okay?

My aunt just texted me that my mom's getting married.

Is that bad news?

Well, it's typical I'd find out this way

because I haven't spoken to my mom in years.

Well, m-maybe the wedding is a good opportunity

for you guys to reconnect.

Not much chance of that.

According to my aunt, my mom's getting married tomorrow, so...

Whoa. Shit. That sucks.

I think I just need some air, so...

Well, I can come with you if you want company.

Thanks, but I would rather be alone.

Thanks for standing up for me today at rehearsal.

It meant a lot.

Well, hey, I'm glad you got the role. You deserved it.

I wasn't sure if you liked me anymore.

Especially after we tried to have...

sex.

Kacey, come on.

Obviously, I still like you.

I like you whether or not we have sex.

You do?

So then why did you leave my room?

I've never taken anyone's virginity before.

I guess I got scared about having that responsibility.

So, you're saying

you weren't ready to lose my virginity?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess that is what I'm saying. Is that weird?

No.

It's sweet.

Are you ready now?

I could be... if you are.

Yeah, and I really want my first time to be with you.

I'd like that.

But maybe I could choose the music this time?

Maybe something not from an animated film.

Damn, this thing is heavy.

I didn't know I'd have to do a dead lift just to stay warm.

Just leave it.

♪ I've been waiting so long ♪

♪ For something good to come ♪

♪ Seasons changing ♪

♪ I hope we're strong enough ♪

♪ I know days are moving slow... ♪

So, what do you think?

This is going to be so funny.

I can't wait for you to perform it at the next show.

This is great.

♪ After all that we've been through ♪

♪ I still want to take a walk with you ♪

♪ Into the garden ♪

♪ We can watch it grow ♪

♪ For all of our tomorrows ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ The summer come and go... ♪

Just that.

♪ You'll never be alone ♪

♪ And when there's nothing left to do ♪

♪ Keep looking out the window ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Till everything's coming up roses ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ I know our fears have been kicking up the dirt ♪

♪ I push them down because it's only gonna hurt ♪

♪ I know days are moving slow ♪

♪ Slow ♪

♪ Both our heads are hanging low ♪

♪ Low ♪

♪ I just wanted you to know ♪

♪ After all that we've been through ♪

♪ I still want to take a walk with you ♪

♪ Into the garden ♪

♪ We can watch it grow ♪

♪ For all of our tomorrows ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ The summer come and go ♪

♪ Looking out the window ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Till everything's coming up roses. ♪

Go to bed.