Original subtitles

Go Whitney!

We made shirts with your name on them!

Go Whitney!

I hope she sees us.

Someone should start jumping up and down.

I would if I were wearing a more supportive bra.

I'm gonna grab a drink.

Does anybody want anything? It's on me.

If you're buying, you're gonna need extra set of hands for what I order.

Guys, this isn't good. They're the "N" and the "Y."

Scramble before someone takes a picture of us.

Bela, keep scrambling!

Hurry! This way!

Wait, wait, wait! That's you! That's you!

Come on, Whitney!

We got this!

That is why we put in the hard work! We're going to the playoffs, ladies!

- One, two, three, Foxes! - Foxes!

Good game! Good game!

That was a hell of a goal, Chase.

- Thank you. - How's the knee?

It's good. Yeah. The cortisone really worked.

I'm glad to hear it. We're gonna need you.

Okay.

You little liar!

You told me you weren't taking anything for your knee. You got a cortisone shot?

What else are you hiding?

Are you banging another one of our coaches?

Yeah, I didn't say anything because it's not that big of a deal.

Yes, it is. Shots don't heal shit.

They just mask the pain while the injury gets worse.

Yeah, it just got us to the playoffs, didn't it?

I guess.

Listen. I'm gonna do my best to get us to the championship, okay?

That's all that matters.

Whatever. It's your body.

Oh, yes!

Hey!

Let's go!

Yes, we won, but the game isn't over.

The fight against single-use paper products continues.

And in that match, we're all players!

Thank you. I will sort that.

Well, big news.

Whitney isn't the only one who scored last night.

Oh, my God. You and Arvind finally had sex? How was it?

It was okay.

Just okay?

It was a little more tender than I'm used to.

At one point, he made extended eye contact and gently whispered...

"You're my missing puzzle piece."

- Aw. - No. I don't want "aww" kind of sex.

I want his hands slapping my ass,

while throwing me around my twin XL like it's the octagon.

And spinning me in the air like pizza dough.

- Okay. - Anyway, hopefully he'll learn.

I have a little relationship update of my own.

I'm think ready to take the next step with Cooper.

That is so exciting.

Should we throw a goodbye party for your virginity?

I'm a Party City Rewards member, so I get free helium refills on balloons.

Wait, what? No. I stayed a virgin with Calvin for 800 dates.

I'm not giving it up to Cooper after five hangs.

The next step is giving Cooper the Good Partner Test.

Sorry, what the hell is the Good Partner Test?

It's a ritual that's been passed down

through many generations of women in my family.

So what you do is put the person you're seeing

through a series of tests that they're unaware of,

so that you and your friends can determine if they're the right partner for you.

Testing them without them knowing it?

That's sadistic. I love it.

And it can be very illuminating.

The test is why my grandma broke up with Harry Witherspoon.

He was handsome, but as it turns out, deranged.

- Fondled cows. - Oh!

Wait. So what kind of tests are we talking about?

I'd love to tell you, but first...

Bela, will you peel this orange for me? I don't wanna ruin my nails.

And what, my nails are just food for the dogs?

So that was a huge fail.

That was the test?

This is thrilling!

Okay. Was the correct answer to get you a knife?

- If you want half credit, maybe. - I got you.

See, this is the correct answer.

That's not fair! She went last. She knew the rules.

Honestly, this is so smart.

Imagine how much time we could save, knowing a guy is a dud right away,

as supposed to finding out he sleeps with a teddy bear 10 dates in.

Yes, it did happen and I'm not talking about it.

Okay. Listen. What if we all cancel our plans tonight,

invite our guys over at different times and run some tests?

Let's go. Consider my plans canceled.

Mine too.

I don't have any, but consider all future invites declined.

All right. I gotta get stuff done tonight, but you guys have fun.

You're not gonna do it with us?

I can't. I have a team lift later.

You just made it into the playoffs!

They don't give you a single night off?

I wish, but no. During playoffs, we practice harder.

If you need to lift, I have one-pounders. They give perfect tone with no bulk.

Come on, Whit. Just skip the practice.

Your feet need a rest day, they're already too muscular. Plus...

Plus don't you wanna see how well Isaiah does?

I know I do!

It's not just soccer,

I also have an Af-Am report due and a bunch of lab work.

Come on, Whit. You've been so busy this year.

- We never get to see you. - It's true.

We haven't taken a single drunk selfie this week.

And it really won't be as much fun without you.

Please?

Okay, fine! Let's do it.

- Yes! - Yes!

Okay. It's settled. Tonight, we test.

Okay. Bela, anything you're particularly concerned about in Arvind?

I know that he's kind, but I want to make sure he's

not afraid to be honest with me when I'm wrong,

because believe it or not, I don't always make the best choices.

You? The person who used binoculars on the eclipse? Never!

Oh, and I'd love to see if he has brute strength.

I wanna feel like the guy I'm with is physically strong

and that he can lift a car off my body.

Why would there be a car on your body?

See? He wouldn't ask questions like that. He'd just lift it.

Lift a car.

Arvind!

Hey, ladies! Who's ready for movie night?

So, I was thinking we could watch this documentary

about an unlikely group of elementary students

succeeding in a way you could never have imagined.

Spoiler alert, they win a quiz bowl.

Actually, Arvind, I don't know if I feel like a movie.

But you know what does sound good right now?

An orange. Arvind, could you peel one for me?

I would literally love to.

Here you go.

Bon appétit.

I arranged the sections into the shape of a dolphin

because I know that's your favorite animal.

Aw, and you removed all the pith so thoroughly.

Oh, my God. Nothing pisses me off like pith.

I'm so glad you're here so I can get your honest opinion on this.

I found it in a thrift store and I don't know if I can pull it off.

What do you think?

Do you like it?

Can I pull off a large formal hat?

Wow. It certainly has a lot going on, a lot to take in.

It looks heavy.

It is! It's weighted down to prevent wind lift.

But tell me what you really think,

because if you like it, I'll wear it, a lot.

Yeah. I, um...

I...

do like it!

And I look forward to seeing you wear it all the time.

Other than the hat thing, which was a straight up disaster,

Arvind did a pretty good job!

And in his defense, I didn't think the hat was so bad.

Yes, it was. But if it meant I could eat fruit in the shape of animals

off his toned body,

I'll wear it for him all he wants.

Thank you, Kacey. That was so helpful.

Right?

All right. Who's next?

So for me, the best partner is someone who's smart, charming, well-mannered.

Someone I could bring home to my nana.

I get that. I don't think I could date someone...

who couldn't kick back, relax, and enjoy a cold V8 with my grandma.

Most importantly though, I just need to know

that Cooper is loyal and trustworthy.

I'd venture to guess that Cooper is the loyal type.

After Calvin, I learned that any guy could be a lying, cheating,

- dirty scrote-bag from hell. - Oh.

And now's my chance to find out!

This rind is really thick.

I learned this key trick back in Scouts.

Oh, you were an Eagle Scout?

Well, no. I quit before my service project.

- Oof. - Yeah. They kicked my friend out

for criticizing their position on queer rights.

I left in solidarity.

Do I hear any more "oofs" from the oof gallery?

This is nice.

My roommates and I never really just sit around and stare at each other.

Here's your iced tea just like my nana makes, with extra ice.

Sorry, the glass is pretty wet from the condensation.

Do you have any other coasters or...

It seems like they're all occupied. Hmm.

Is something wrong?

Because it looks really cold.

No. It's all good. I'll just hold it.

That ended our vacation real fast.

Well, I need to go powder my nose.

Kacey, that's a great idea! Can we join?

Yes. I would love that.

Perfect. I also need to powder my nose.

- We'll all go. - Okay.

I'll just chill here alone.

- Okay. Here goes. Send her in. - Yeah.

Oh, sorry. I thought this was Whitney's room.

Yeah, it is. She and all her roommates went to the bathroom at the same time.

Operation Whitney's wet hot friend has commenced.

Can I borrow a towel?

I got caught in the sprinklers on the quad.

Uh, yeah. Sorry, I don't know where they keep their towels.

I should probably change.

I'm sure Whitney won't mind if I just borrow some of her clothes.

Wait. Um...

I'll give you some privacy.

I've seen all I need.

Cooper did so well!

I agree.

I can't say I would have passed. She was hot.

He killed it.

Maybe he wasn't perfect at everything...

but it was perfect for me.

Can I go now? I have a dissertation to defend tomorrow.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

Thank you. Thanks so much for coming.

Whitney, it's your turn.

Oh, I don't know. Isaiah is probably busy. Let's just skip him.

Skip him? No way. No skips allowed.

Come on! Isaiah's so smooth.

Don't you wanna just rattle him a little bit?

I guess. But I don't even know what I'd wanna test.

There has to be something you're curious about.

I guess I'd wanna know that he could handle the real me,

not just the perfect version I put forward.

Got it. So we're gonna test whatever Whitney just said

and how many shirtless push-ups Isaiah can do.

What? Pantsless?

Okay, freaks, if that's what you want.

Pantsless.

Who's hungry and/or thirsty?

I love oranges and I certainly haven't had one today.

Yeah, I'll take one.

Why are you throwing this at me?

Peel it for me!

I don't work for you. Peel your own damn orange.

Okay.

Oh, no!

Kacey? What's happening?

I blew out all my wood wick candles and it set off the smoke alarm!

I'm scared! What do I do?

I got this.

All right, smoke's gone. Are you guys okay?

Yeah. Here. I can take that and air it out for you.

It's fine. It's okay.

No, I insist you keep it off. I'll hang it outside the window.

Thank you.

Okay.

Thanks again for saving our lives.

It was just a candle, but you're welcome.

Isaiah, you know what I'm realizing?

You've never seen my room!

You wanna check it out?

Okay.

- The fuck? Someone lives here? - Sure do!

Hey, did you want a clean shirt? I'm sure there's one here somewhere.

I'll check the floor pile.

I think I'm good.

Nonsense. I'm gonna start digging. You make yourself at home.

Oh, here's one. Nope. Wait. It's wet for some reason.

How do you live like this?

I've been thinking, I'd love it if we could spend more time here.

Switch it up between our places. That work?

Uh, I don't think so.

Your place is a straight up biohazard.

And I think the government should get involved.

I need a shower.

What just happened?

I know, right? God, he blew it real bad.

He threw an orange at me

and overreacted to a little bit of clutter.

No, Whitney, I'm talking about you. It felt like you wanted him to fail.

Yeah, Kacey's right. You violently threw that orange at him

like you wanted him to be defensive.

And that's not a little bit of clutter, no one would wanna be in that room.

Speaking of, why did the mess have to enter my side?

And why did it have to include gravel?

Whitney, the test doesn't work if you don't give them a chance.

I didn't even wanna do this in the first place. You all pushed me to.

No. We were just having fun and now you're being all weird about it.

Because I kissed someone else.

Are you kidding me?

- What? - Seriously?

Who did you kiss?

Just some guy in the fish lab.

You kissed someone behind Isaiah's back?

Yeah, but it's not about that.

How is it not about that? You cheated.

You're making it sound worse than it is.

It's not the same thing that happened with you and Calvin.

- It's not? - No.

I...

I think I kissed someone else because I'm unhappy, you know?

Like, I wouldn't have done it if I liked Isaiah.

Interesting way to justify it.

You know what? Um, I shouldn't have brought it up.

Let's just forget about it.

Well, I guess I'm next.

The tough thing about Brian is that I don't know as much about him

as all of you know about your people.

Like, I know that we're academically aligned

and that I think he's cute, but that's it.

So really, any test would be helpful.

We'll do the standard panel.

Brian. You showed up at exactly the time I sent you, down to the minute.

We were just enjoying some fresh fruits.

I really used to love oranges before this.

Would you mind peeling one for me?

Is this a test?

You're all looking at me like this is a test.

A test? How could this possibly be...

You're judging me based on whether or not I'd peel the orange?

Or how fast I'd do it?

Either way...

done.

Is anyone else terrified?

I'm sorry, this is a test.

We're trying to get to know the people we're seeing better.

Lucky for you... I love tests.

So... fire away.

Okay. I guess I'll just ask you a bunch of questions

and judge you based on your answers?

I would love nothing more.

- Hometown? - Chicago.

- What do your parents do? - Mom, dental hygienist, Dad, dentist.

- But that's not how they met. - Pets? Lucky numbers?

- Are you trying to get my passwords? - Clever.

- Favorite sport? - Baseball.

- Do you play? - Dad wishes.

- Favorite museum. - Too many to list.

- What scares you? - Fish with teeth.

Ready for some hypotheticals?

You bet your ass I am.

You're at a coffee shop, but all you get is a wrapped cookie.

- How much do you tip? - Did I use the bathroom?

No.

20%, rounding up to the next dollar.

Food service workers are marginalized and paid way less than they should be.

- Tips are how people make a living wage. - Mmm!

I haven't texted you back in eight hours.

Do you call my friends or the police?

Neither. I know you're at the library finishing homework,

and that place has the worst reception on campus.

Damn. You're good.

- Mmm. - I could do this all night.

Okay. Last question.

What is the worst thing one of your exes would say about you?

Theoretically? Probably an exaggeration of some small truth.

I feel like exes will vilify you always if they want to,

no matter what's true, right?

But can I ask you what would all of your exes say about you?

You're asking us questions now?

That I looked through his phone like a jealous maniac.

Probably that I had too high expectations for him.

Or that I pronounce it Barthelona.

Celebrity impressions during. Celebrity impressions after.

Don't bring Borat into the bedroom.

Oh, I don't know. I've only had one ex,

and I don't know what he'd say about me.

Kacey, I'm normally against your archaic views

on relationships, gender, and dating, but this rocked.

Oh, my God. It so rocked.

I learned so much about Brian.

And isn't it cool that we have the same favorite playlist on Spotify?

Relaxing Fireplace Sounds.

You're welcome, Kimberly. And you're welcome, everybody.

And now it's time for the good friend test,

who wants to clean up?

Uh, actually, we're not quite done yet.

Come in!

Hey, everyone.

I brought that textbook you wanted to borrow, Whit.

I didn't know you were taking 18th Century Economics.

Now that I have the book, learning can begin.

- Okay. - You wanna come in?

Sure. What's up?

Would you mind getting me an orange?

You want me to get you an orange that's right in front of you?

- Mmm-hmm. - All right.

Don't go ask me to peel it for you.

Ooh. Actually...

You better have just got your nails done.

I did. I swear. Just don't look at them.

That's what I thought.

See how hard it is?

Yeah. Damn. I see why you wanted me to do this.

So, this is my room this year.

Whitney. No!

Looks like a human hamster cage in here.

Listen, I've been busy.

Is that my hoodie that I let you borrow last year?

My poor hoodie lost to the mess?

Yes, it is. I'm sorry.

I'm going in. Stay strong.

I'm coming for you.

Oh, I just stepped on something squishy.

Whitney, get a piece of paper.

- I don't have any piece of paper. - This is disgusting.

I can give you this.

- Sorry. - What's going on here?

Well, this has been a very strange visit.

Can't help but feel like I'm missing something...

- but have a good night - You too.

Does this mean what I think?

Oh, my God. Canaan's the one you kissed.

Yeah.

- No way. - Oh, my God.

I was nervous to tell you because, you know,

we didn't end well once, and our history is so messy.

But do you like him?

Scary to think that I do.

That's why I wanted to test him, to see if it was even real.

How do you think he did?

Halfway through, I stopped caring. I just liked being with him.

I feel bad I did this behind Isaiah's back.

And I get it if you think less of me.

Of course not.

I'm sorry that I called you a cheater.

I think I'm still a little bit sensitive about all of that.

I get it. I would be too.

Thank you for making us do the test. I got the clarity I needed.

The Good Partner Test never fails.

And may you carry it forward to many generations of women to come.

Oh, I will not teach my children this test.

But it was a lot of fun.

This is a surprise.

I need you in that bed immediately.

It's a twin-XL. You're gonna love it.

I think you might be the best person I've ever dated.

Same. It's just between you and Emily, but it's really not a competition.

And am I the best person you've ever slept with?

Yeah. It's the same two people, but the answer is still yes.

Wait.

- You've only slept with two people? - Yeah.

- How many people have you slept with? - I don't know, like, 20?

Twenty?

Yeah.

Really?

Is something wrong?

Uh... No, I just...

I realized I should probably get back to my reading.

Yeah. Not a lot of cliff hangers in Proust,

but I'm excited to see how this ends, so...

Right.

Hey. Hi. Sorry, I know that this is weird,

but my roommates and I were having a conversation about past relationships

and I have to ask you something.

Okay. What's up?

Why did you cheat on me?

Kacey, I don't...

Oh, no, it's okay. I don't wanna rehash anything, really.

I just wanna know why.

I never wanted to hurt you.

And I felt like shit while it was happening.

I still do,

it's just... I didn't wanna not have sex for all four years of college.

And I knew you wanted to wait, and we agreed on it,

so that's on me and I was completely in the wrong

but really, it wasn't about you at all. It was about me.

I knew I was gonna break eventually.

And I think any guy would.

- So... - Thank you.