Original subtitles

Bela, you seem so happy tonight.

It's 'cause of the guy sitting across from us.

He's serving us muscles like we're at a goddamn seafood buffet.

Actually it's because I'm starting to do comedy again.

And I think I finally found my voice?

Bela! That's amazing!

Yeah, I feel like I've spent so long trying to sound like

all these men I saw on late-night shows.

Turns out my best muse is a sex-positive brown woman. Myself.

Go off, self-centered queen.

- You know it. - I'm really glad

you're not letting the Arvind breakup get you down.

No, not at all. I actually have to move on. For my craft.

Hooking up is research. And I will be doing a double PhD.

Well, speaking of hook-up stories, Cooper and I went all the way.

- No, you didn't! - Yes.

How was it?

It was amazing.

I hate to sex and tell, but Cooper was the perfect gentleman,

and our thrusting was completely in sync.

- No slip-outs or anything. - That's impressive.

I'm pro slip-out. It provides a natural intermission.

- Shit! - What's wrong?

I just got an email from the Athletic Board.

They want to meet with me about quitting the team.

I wanna be done with this. I don't want it to be a big thing.

I wouldn't worry about it. You made a decision

for a really good reason and if they can't respect that,

- then I would give them hell. - I don't know.

Sometimes giving people hell is the only way to get what you want.

For instance, hey, Muscles! Flex for me or live to regret it.

He's a good boy.

Congressman Nathan Riggs is coming to speak on campus.

It is completely unacceptable that this school,

which claims to be for equality,

would give a platform to someone so openly hateful.

I won't be holding office hours today.

Not because I'm busy, but because I'm not in the mood.

Professor Friedman, can I just talk to you for a second?

What do you think about Essex letting Nathan Riggs speak on campus?

- That guy's a turd. - Right?

His hateful and regressive policies go against everything

this place stands for.

Sure, but that's a First Amendment issue.

Constitutionally speaking, turds are protected.

A bunch of students are gonna protest

and I'm going to join them.

Protesting is a waste of time.

Collective action only works if it lasts for months and that almost never happens.

Oh, thanks for your unsolicited opinion.

That was an insane take.

I actually agree with him. Have you Googled me?

- No. - Well, if you had,

you'd come across a photo

from a newspaper article from a queer protest in 1994

where I was holding a sign that said...

"Suck My Lesbian Dick."

I lied. I have Googled you many times. I've seen that photo and I love it.

Is it okay that I said, "Suck my lesbian dick"?

Once is better than twice, but anyway, that photo is what lost me a clerkship

after law school.

What? That's so unfair.

The world is unfair.

Oh, sweet. Are office hours back on?

Uh, no, not for you.

Anyway, protect future Kimberly. We need her.

Hey, stranger.

Back from your fancy off-campus housing so soon?

Yeah, I woke up this morning and thought I simply must

see all those people I work hard to avoid.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sorry, I'm swamped.

I've been working on my own stuff and now I have 53 student complaint forms

to deal with. Eight are from Norman.

Well, excuse me for being a light sleeper who doesn't like it when people ignore

our suite's chore wheel or rename it the chode wheel.

- Chode. - I laughed too, which was so wrong.

Can I find you later?

Yeah, yeah. It was nothing anyway.

Okay, Norman, how can I be most helpful?

I want the upper classman boy next door to keep his music down.

That I can do.

Okay, that is kind of loud.

Excuse me, can you turn it down?

I'm a FAF, so if you don't turn it down, I'm gonna have to let myself in.

Okay, I'm coming in!

Hello?

What the fuck?

Thank you for coming in, Whitney.

We wanted to check in and ask why one of our best athletes

decided to quit her team right in the middle of playoffs.

Honestly? There was this toxic hustle culture

that just kept requiring more and more of me,

and eventually, it just got to be too much,

so I decided not to be a part of it anymore.

Good for you.

So what can we do to get you back out on that field?

Score some goals!

Wait. Is that what this is about?

I can't play. I have a knee injury I'm trying to heal.

An injury where I was encouraged

to take a cortisone shot to play through the pain.

Well, our records show that you requested that shot.

Technically, yes.

But it didn't feel like I had much of a choice.

Not according to the team doctor.

I'm sorry.

Are you here to listen to me or just tell me your version of my experience?

Whitney, we all want the same thing here.

For you and your teammates to win the first ever

Essex women's soccer championship.

Okay, I'm sorry, but...

I'm no longer a student athlete at this school, so we're done here.

But I really hope you listen better to the next girl that sits in this chair.

Hello! Welcome to my favorite party of the year.

Last year, there was a streaker in the ball pit.

I saw a whole lot of butt and a fair amount of side penis.

You would have loved it.

Right. Should we go to the bar? I want to get Cooper his favorite drink.

A cold beer. Isn't he so manly?

That girl is falling for him hard.

It's cute. I'm happy for her.

- How'd your meeting go? - Ooh, bad. Yeah. But that's a good thing.

I made the right decision by quitting.

Hell yes, you did! And your snatched body deserves a hobby

with a much more flattering outfit, like wrestling or speed-skating.

Do you speed-skate?

- No. - You should start.

I'm excited to figure out what to do with all my new free time.

Maybe I'll take up hiking or volunteering.

Ew.

I'll probably look at my phone more.

- Yeah, that's what you'll do. - Of course.

Aw! You guys are such a cute couple. You really inspire me.

There are a lot of fine men in the ball pit.

I'm gonna go jump in and see where my hands land.

All right.

No, he had a VR headset on. He had no idea I was watching him.

It was like studying the ideal version of the male human body.

His V lines were so deep. Like a V in a bold font.

I think I might even include him in my next show.

You should. And hey, maybe ask him out.

I don't know. I mean, would I hook up with him? Of course.

But in terms of dating and people I would take seriously,

I think I'm starting to learn

I'd rather start by liking someone's personality and feeling a connection,

as opposed to just a perfect face, jaw, abs, pecs, quads, calves and butt.

For sure. You could hook up with the hottest stranger in the world,

but it'd feel like an empty experience once it's over.

But when you feel an actual connection, that's next level.

Or so I've been told. Sadly, I'm just a hot stranger people have sex with.

I love that we're at that stage in the relationship

where we can be comfortable in long, silent eye contact.

Yeah, I'm not really sure this qualifies as silence, though.

The drunk guy behind me keeps listing off words

that rhyme with taint.

Saint. Hate. Self-restraint.

So, my mom is coming into town for the show

and I told her that we could get lunch

after rehearsal so she can meet you.

- Yeah, that could be fun. - Yeah.

Just, Brandon and I, we have plans to play squash.

If you're nervous about meeting my mom, don't worry.

She's really fun, especially now that she's stopped intermittent fasting.

I'm sure. I'd love to meet her.

Just the courts, they have this really strict cancelation policy.

It's iron-clad.

Oh. Yeah. Got it. Totally understand.

So, where were we?

Oh, right. Comfortable silence.

Yeah!

Are you okay? Oh, my God!

- Are you in line for the ball pit? - Oh, absolutely not.

It's important to me to know that the person I'm talking to is wearing pants.

I'm Noah, by the way. Have we met?

Not yet. I'm Kimberly.

I recognize you from your post protesting against Nathan Riggs.

We feel the same way about him.

Yeah, my opinion of him is that he's a piece of shit.

Thanks for standing up against misogyny and transphobia.

- Don't forget racism. - Oh, I never forget racism.

So I'll see you tomorrow.

Spiritually, a hundred percent.

But physically, no, I will not be there due to external and internal conflicts.

- That's too bad. - But don't worry.

I'll be planting seeds of resistance from within the system

that in a couple of generations will bloom into codified change.

Sorry. I didn't get any of that over the music.

The streaker is back!

Whoo!

It's a good day to be alive. Look at all that side penis!

Yep. And that's my sign to head out.

I'll see you tomorrow. If you change your mind.

Think on it.

Okay. Bye.

I'm telling you, each frat really does have its own smell.

This one is socks, skunked beer, habanero buffalo sauce.

Wow! That's spot on.

I know. I can identify any frat blindfolded.

I know you're joking, but please never go into a frat blindfolded.

I'm sorry. I don't know what I was doing.

No, it's all good. I've wanted to do that multiple times.

That was my first time kissing a girl.

Really? Well, this is your second.

Good morning, friends.

I have an important announcement to make, so thank you all for waking up so early.

It's 11:00 a.m.

Also, we've been awake. You're the one who just got up.

Last night, I discovered a new part of myself.

A part of myself I now know has always been there

because I kissed a very special someone.

And that someone was... a woman. That's right. I'm bi.

Bela, that's amazing.

Congrats. This is so exciting.

I am so happy for you, Bela.

Thanks, guys.

So, should we go get some breakfast? I'm starving.

- Yes. - Same!

Sorry. Are we moving on?

I just told you guys, I'm coming out as... [exhales] a bisexual.

Yeah. Way to go, girl.

We should really get going if we want to get the good eggs.

- Yes. - No, no, no, what the fuck?

Does my queer journey mean nothing to you people?

When Leighton came out, you guys cried for like a full day.

But that was different. Leighton really went through so much.

I wish I'd been there for that. She sounded so brave.

Whatever. I'll just find someone else who gets it.

Trish, get in here.

- I have something important to tell you. - What's up?

I'm bi.

Sorry. You're not my type.

Whatever. Let's just get breakfast and eat some waffles.

Wait. Waffles? Does that mean the waffle machine is fixed?

- Are you serious? - Now, I am gonna cry.

Sorry I haven't read the love letter you slipped under my door.

I couldn't find a knife to cut the big wax seal.

Oh, don't worry.

But I have good news about lunch today with my mom. You can make it.

No, I can't, though. I have squash with Brandon.

I DM'd him and got him to move it.

The squash courts are here all the time,

but my mom's only here for 48 hours.

She has to go back to Charleston because she's suing the doctor

who redid her belly button.

Right. I just think it's a little early for me to meet your family.

I mean, my whole family, sure, but this is just my mom.

You won't meet the rest of them till New Year's.

New Year's?

What's New Year's?

Okay. I didn't want to tell you yet,

but we have an extra ticket to our family cruise.

Originally, it was for my ex, but we were able to transfer the ticket to your name.

Isn't that so great?

For chivalry reasons, you would be rooming

with my Great Uncle Milton, if he's still with us.

Kacey, I'm sorry, but this is too much.

We've only been dating for like two minutes.

I don't think we're on the same page here.

I think maybe it's best if we ended things.

Cooper, please don't do this right now. I literally just lost my virginity to you.

Yeah, but that's not really my fault.

I'm sorry. It's just not feeling right.

I'll see you later. I guess at rehearsal.

Sorry I blew you off so many times this week. What's going on?

So...

The other night, I got upset and I bought a handle of vodka.

Oh, my God. Taylor, I'm so sorry.

No. It's okay. I didn't drink it.

That's why I wanted to talk to you.

So that I could thank you.

Thanks to you, I knew how to handle it.

I came back and I talked openly with Ash, and then I went to a meeting.

Where I watched a newly-sober woman

smoke two cigarettes at once.

Things could have gotten bad. But because of you, I'm a stronger person.

I'm so proud of you.

I actually have something to tell you, too.

I kissed a girl. I'm bi.

Oh, my God... That's wonderful.

I can't say I'm completely surprised.

You do wear more neckties than Steve Harvey.

I really do.

I'm actually doing a big coming out announcement

at a show tonight.

Since you're here, I could actually use your help

cutting my performance down from 35 minutes to four.

No, thank you to that,

but now I'm the one who's proud of you.

Now tell me about this girl you kissed.

- Kimberly! - Eli! What are you doing here?

I'm here because this guy's trash and he sucks.

I wish he was trash. That way, we could just put him on a barge

in the middle of the ocean.

I'm actually glad that we ran into each other.

I feel like I owe you an apology.

For what? Leaving me alone to die the first time I did drugs?

That's exactly what I'm apologizing for.

But I also understand why you broke up with me.

You were right. We were really different people.

For what it's worth, I just dated a guy

who I thought was exactly like me and things turned out way worse.

Shit.

- You all right? - Yeah, I'm good.

Well, would you ever wanna catch up? Hang out?

Yeah, that sounds nice.

Cool.

I'll see you around.

Yeah.

- Kimberly. - Hey!

You decided to come.

I did. And I brought this.

Cool sign. "No more racism, bigotry, or miso"?

I wanted to write "misogyny" but I ran out of room.

We've got plenty of extra signs,

that have complete words on them.

- If you want to borrow one. - Yeah, I would love that.

All right.

Okay.

This is cue 18. Hit it.

- Hell, yeah. - How does that look for you, Lars?

- Really good. - Really?

Real good. I was considering a softer pink gel,

but in the end, a coral glow around her really felt more fitting for...

We have 40 more cues and I stopped listening.

Moving on to the next scene, please.

Kacey, Cooper, take your marks.

And let's see the blocking, please.

Kacey, in this scene, your character's

singing a love song to Cooper, not to the wall.

Please look at him.

Professor Dorfmann, can I please speak with you privately for a moment?

What is going on?

I can't do this right now.

Can Blair stand in for me?

- What? Why? - Because I can't look at Cooper.

We just broke up.

I promise that I'm gonna be good. I'm just struggling right now.

Kacey, this is exactly why I didn't want to give you the role in the first place.

You think that you have the emotional strength to be a performer,

but you just don't.

You project a pretty girl confidence, but, honey, it's hollow.

Hmm? It's fake.

I'm sorry. This? This simply isn't for you.

Blair? You're taking Kacey's role.

Shit.

I'm just cleaning out my locker. I thought you were at practice.

You know what you did was really fucked up.

You could've waited a couple weeks for the season to be over.

You just ghost us in the middle of the playoffs without saying why?

It was really selfish.

Great feedback, Rina. Well, that's everything.

Good luck tonight, guys.

Thanks, but we don't need luck.

We have players who care about the team.

No, that's enough of that.

- Willow, don't. - Sorry, but I gotta.

This Woody from Toy Story lookalike is not talking to you like that.

Whitney cares more about this team than anybody.

She played on a fucked up knee when they pressured her to,

shooting her up with all these pain meds just to get through it.

And when the anxiety from all that gave her a panic attack,

she couldn't have one damn day off when she asked for it?

She deserves better.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys. I wanted to.

I just... I couldn't take on more stress.

Okay, great. Does anyone else have anything

that they'd like to get off their chest?

Actually, yeah.

I'm gonna be a fifth year senior because soccer has made it impossible

for me to graduate in four.

I'm 23. I'm too old to be here.

It's not just soccer.

Our track and field coach had me take shots, too.

She said, and I quote, "Days off are for pussies."

Hey, guys. Can we please go back to focusing on winning the championship?

Actually, I kinda want to hear what everyone else has to say.

Damn. Even Rina feels bad? And she don't even like you, Whit.

Sign five!

Come on. It's like a high five, but with our signs.

Sign five! Up high. Sign five. Yeah!

Yeah!

Wait. Why are the cops here?

Everybody, this protest is over. Please disperse immediately.

Campus police, really? Isn't this a little extreme?

We're standing on a lawn, not robbing a bank.

If you don't leave now, you will face disciplinary action.

You have no right to disperse a peaceful protest.

We have the right to freedom of expression and peaceful dissent.

We're a private university. It doesn't work like that.

Students who do not leave immediately

will face consequences, including potential expulsion.

What? The First Amendment protects free speech.

Not on private property.

So what, the protest is just over? They win by threatening us?

No, this isn't over.

If Essex wants to make their own rules, then so can we.

Let's get out of here and meet back up tonight.

What time?

And the next thing I knew, the entire soccer team straight up quit.

Turns out everyone was just as miserable as I was.

- Whitney, that's amazing. - It's not just the soccer team.

I've been getting DMs from other athletes who are pissed off.

Anyone from the men's diving team or women's gymnastics?

They are the hottest so I do support them the most.

Should we get dinner and celebrate you sticking it to the school?

Sure. Let me call Kacey, and see if she wants in.

Okay.

Wait. She's here?

Kacey, what's wrong?

- Cooper dumped me. - What?

- He did? - I'm sorry.

Wait. What happened? I thought things were going well.

They were, but, um...

I think I convinced myself

that if I didn't sleep with him, then I might lose him.

And then it happened anyway. So...

Aw, Kacey...

I think that it meant more to me than it did to him.

And I really thought that I was ready, but... I don't think that I was.

Kacey, I'm so sorry.

And now my mom just keeps calling because she flew in to meet Cooper

and I have no idea what to tell her.

Wait. She's not here to see your show?

She doesn't care about that kind of stuff.

I hate seeing you like this. You're the most confident person I know.

I'm not, though.

I feel like I'm never good enough in the way that people want me to be.

And it's easy to be one of those girls who says "love yourself,"

but what if you just don't?

Who do you need me to slap? Your mom?

Cooper? You don't have to choose.

I can do both.

No, I just have to live the rest of my life knowing that

my first time was with someone who immediately broke up with me.

Kacey, I get it.

It sucks that you lost your virginity to someone who doesn't deserve it.

But you know what?

- Everyone's first time is bad. - Yeah.

It's true. Do I regret losing my virginity? No!

Do I regret losing it to a sweaty exchange student

who worked at my dad's Subway shop for a summer?

Kinda.

Yeah, I lost mine at soccer camp to this guy named Rudy.

He tried to stick it in my belly button and when he finished he yelled "Goal!"

Yeah, you think I'm proud of that?

My boyfriend dumped me too after our first time.

And I thought my life was over.

But it turns out he's the least hot guy I've ever had sex with.

So maybe losing your virginity is supposed to be a stupid, weird mess.

So you actually did it perfectly.

I love you guys.

Now please welcome our next storyteller to the stage, Bela Malhotra!

Hey, guys. I'm Bela Malhotra.

Some of you might remember me from my last show where I ranked

thirty cartoon characters in order of how well-endowed I think they might be.

But I want to be a little bit more candid tonight.

You see, I recently discovered something about myself

and I wanted to put it out there.

I realized...

I realized...

I'm really good

at doing an impression of Siri.

Here are some fun facts about the rainforest.

I actually don't know any facts about the rainforest.

So, yeah, that's what I wanted to share with you all.

Let's see. What else?

So, what's the plan?

Oh, I have a stink bomb.

I'm gonna run in there, throw it at him,

and say "your policies stink and now so do..."

Oh! That is disgusting.

It's leaking all over my backpack.

Look, the only way to win is to keep him from spreading more dangerous hate speech.

They're live streaming the whole event. We have to find a way to stop it.

I have an idea.

Seduce him and leak the tape? I'll do it.

These machines control all of Essex's Internet service.

Without them, they're not live streaming anything.

- How did you know about this? - A little fact about me.

If I don't know something yet, I yearn to learn.

Sick.

- All right. Let's fucking go. - Mmm-hmm.

Mom! What are you doing here? How did you even know I was doing a show?

You posted about it.

I always follow your Instagram. Not just those big square photos,

but also the little movies that play when I push the circle.

I knew I had to be here. Where's Arvind? Doing homework I hope.

Yeah. He couldn't make it.

Too bad.

Are those free snacks?

Excuse me, honey. I raced here straight from work

and I haven't had a chance to eat.

Eat!

Hey, thanks again for inviting us.

It was so much longer than I thought it would be.

- Thank you. - Did I miss something?

I didn't hear you talk about being queer.

I was going to, but then my mom surprised me

and I couldn't go through with it.

Can I tell you something? As a friend?

It looks like you and your mum really love each other.

Yeah, she's great.

You're lucky. My mum and I, we don't speak at all.

Last year, I went home for Christmas and found out she'd moved.

It was like the movie Home Alone, but a very sad British version.

I have a lot of follow-up questions. That I'll ask later.

Bela, just talk to her.

I wish I could talk to mine.

All right. I think we've pulled or cut every wire in this room.

My God. Guys, it worked. My Wi-Fi's off.

Essex internet servers? You just got served.

Do not move!

Aw, fuck!

Thank you for coming back in, Whitney.

Would you care to explain

why everyone on the women's soccer team has suddenly quit?

Honestly, I'd love to.

Turns out I'm not the only one with concerns about the way

this institution treats its student athletes.

I'll be candid. We're not thrilled that your vendetta might cost the school

a historic accomplishment.

Respectfully, I don't have a vendetta.

I think what's happening here is that you all want to ask me questions,

but you don't wanna hear my answers.

Look, what I can tell you is there's only one way

the soccer team takes the field tonight

and that's if you all agree to make some major changes.

- Such as? - Training hours should be limited.

We need checks and balances in place

to prevent coaches from abusing their power.

And an athletics board that acknowledges mental health issues

are just as real as physical ones.

Well, that's a lot for us to consider. We'll have to discuss and get back to you.

Oh, no, those are just my concerns.

I brought some other people who have their own demands.

Come on. Who wants to talk first?

- Oh, okay. Willow's already sitting down. - Buckle up.

Number one,

we don't want all-in-one body wash and shampoo in the showers.

We want body wash and shampoo.

And so I know that this role means a lot to you too,

but I really need to do this tonight.

Kacey, the role is yours.

Really? Thank you!

Oh, my God, no. I'm just so relieved I don't have to do this tonight.

Kacey, I'm bad. Like, I'm very, very bad.

I recorded myself singing earlier. I sound like shit.

Well, thank you.

No, Kacey, thank you. Oh, my God.

My life is over.

Now that I have a criminal record, no top law school will ever accept me.

- That's not true. - It actually is.

I've worked my whole life for this one thing and now it's just gone.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I did this.

I don't regret any of it. We did something tonight.

We stopped someone from saying things that cause actual harm.

That's a tangible win. Honestly we should be celebrating.

The school's gonna sue us for destruction of property.

We don't have to celebrate that part.

Look, all I'm trying to say is, maybe this is a sign

that you can make more real progress from outside the system than from within it.

So, your life definitely isn't over.

Maybe it just changed.

The guy in the corner keeps looking at me.

I can protect you. I'm not tall, but I'm surprisingly strong.

I'm trying to hold my breath

Let it stay this way

Can't let this moment end

You set off a dream in me

Getting louder now

Can you hear it echoing?

Take my hand

Will you share this with me?

'Cause, darling, without you

All the shine of a thousand spotlights

All the stars we steal from the night sky

Will never be enough

Never be enough

Towers of gold are still too little

These hands could hold the world

But it'll never be enough

Never be enough

For me

Never, never

Never, never

- Yes, bitch. - Shh!

Never, for me

Excuse you. That's my tiny friend up there.

Never enough

Never enough

For me

All the shine of a thousand spotlights

Yes!

All the stars we steal from the night sky

Will never be enough

Never be enough

Towers of gold are still too little

These hands could hold the world

But it'll never be enough

Never be enough

For me

Never, never

Never, never

Never, for me

Hi, Mum.

For me

Never enough

Never, never

Never enough

Never, never

Never enough

For me

For me

For me

For me