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Officer Allen.
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Responding to a 595 on Wood Ridge.
3
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Two male Caucasians on the scene.
4
00:00:09,531 --> 00:00:11,280
10-4, do you need backup?
5
00:00:11,281 --> 00:00:14,780
It's filthy back here. Sir,
may I have a moist towelette?
6
00:00:14,781 --> 00:00:16,780
I'm gonna be okay.
7
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"Towelette"? Can I borrow your Taser?
8
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I'll give it right back.
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00:00:20,531 --> 00:00:22,530
Real mature. You know what,
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stay on your side.
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00:00:23,762 --> 00:00:24,990
Hey, this is all your fault.
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My fault? We're here because of you.
13
00:00:26,701 --> 00:00:28,030
Because I was trying to help you!
14
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All right! All right!
15
00:00:29,031 --> 00:00:30,490
One of you two Susies want
16
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to tell me how you ended up here?
17
00:00:32,861 --> 00:00:35,320
Fine. On November 13, I
was asked to remove myself
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00:00:35,321 --> 00:00:38,650
from my place of residence.
That request came from my wife.
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00:00:38,651 --> 00:00:40,176
Not that far back, you idiot.
20
00:00:40,177 --> 00:00:41,700
Okay, fine.
21
00:00:41,701 --> 00:00:44,360
Two weeks ago, I was
driving with my girlfriend...
22
00:00:47,531 --> 00:00:50,150
So why are we going all the way
to Newark for cleaning supplies?
23
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:52,200
Oh, these aren't just
any cleaning supplies.
24
00:00:52,201 --> 00:00:54,264
This is the stuff that they
use to clean the factory
25
00:00:54,265 --> 00:00:57,200
where they make cleaning supplies.
26
00:00:57,201 --> 00:00:58,451
Is it safe?
27
00:00:58,452 --> 00:00:59,700
Oh, of course.
28
00:00:59,701 --> 00:01:04,030
I mean, I-I have masks for
us to wear on the ride home.
29
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:06,650
Hey, thanks
for always doing the driving.
30
00:01:06,651 --> 00:01:09,490
Be honest, do you think
it's weird that I don't have
31
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a driver's license?
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00:01:10,552 --> 00:01:11,610
No.
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You're a lifelong New Yorker.
You've never needed one.
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- And anyway, I love driving.
- Mmm.
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00:01:15,864 --> 00:01:18,860
I don't know why, but it
always makes me feel so calm.
36
00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:21,280
Did you just see that guy?
37
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Oh? Oh, really?
38
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You're gonna cut me off and
then you're gonna slow down?
39
00:01:25,451 --> 00:01:27,490
And-and, buddy, where's
my courtesy wave?
40
00:01:27,491 --> 00:01:30,150
'Cause you know what? Here's mine!
41
00:01:30,151 --> 00:01:33,570
Uh, honey, maybe just
best not to engage.
42
00:01:33,571 --> 00:01:35,875
He has a bumper sticker that
says "My Other Car is a Gun."
43
00:01:35,876 --> 00:01:38,530
I'm not scared of him.
I'm not scared of you!
44
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Okay, okay. Why are you
pulling up next to him?
45
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I'm gonna roll down your
window. Get ready to yell at him.
46
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No, thank you!
47
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Nice uniform, tough guy!
48
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Thank you for your service.
49
00:01:49,451 --> 00:01:52,110
Ugh. Damn it. He's exiting.
50
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Ah.
51
00:01:53,611 --> 00:01:55,030
Anyway, what was I saying?
52
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How calm driving makes you.
53
00:01:58,491 --> 00:02:00,961
Yeah. I don't know what it is.
54
00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:04,860
And it was at that moment,
sitting next to Emily
55
00:02:04,861 --> 00:02:07,030
and feeling less than
manly, that I resolved
56
00:02:07,031 --> 00:02:09,860
I would no longer be a
passenger on life's winding road.
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I would be a driver,
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00:02:12,201 --> 00:02:14,950
licensed by the great state of New York.
59
00:02:16,571 --> 00:02:18,801
Learner's permit. Line two.
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00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:26,280
Is this gonna take long?
I'm parked in a red zone.
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00:02:26,281 --> 00:02:29,280
You parked illegally at the DMV?
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Exactly. Last place they'd look.
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00:02:31,111 --> 00:02:34,110
Gosh, it seems like only yesterday
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00:02:34,111 --> 00:02:36,490
you were a middle-aged man
showing up on my doorstep,
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but now you're learning to drive.
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00:02:38,151 --> 00:02:39,990
I'm proud of you, champ.
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Quit it. And don't tell Emily
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I'm getting my driver's
license. I want to surprise her.
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00:02:44,675 --> 00:02:46,650
Oh, no, don't worry.
I won't tell your...
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00:02:46,651 --> 00:02:49,110
girlfriend!
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00:02:49,111 --> 00:02:51,650
Quit it. You're embarrassing me.
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00:02:51,651 --> 00:02:54,110
Okay. Quiz me. You
only need 70% to pass,
73
00:02:54,111 --> 00:02:57,910
but, of course, anything less
than 95% and I would self-fail.
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00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,650
I don't do that.
75
00:02:59,651 --> 00:03:01,860
Nobody does that.
76
00:03:01,861 --> 00:03:04,070
I don't think that's true.
77
00:03:04,071 --> 00:03:06,070
Oscar, you don't know the rules?
78
00:03:06,071 --> 00:03:07,990
You've been driving for 25 years.
79
00:03:07,991 --> 00:03:10,311
When you're on the road, the
rule book goes out the window.
80
00:03:10,312 --> 00:03:12,731
You got to rely on instinct.
You got to be ready to react
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00:03:12,732 --> 00:03:16,381
when trouble comes from there or here.
82
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:19,030
Sorry. See?
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00:03:19,031 --> 00:03:21,410
She wasn't ready.
84
00:03:21,411 --> 00:03:23,114
Oscar, these regulations
are the only thing
85
00:03:23,115 --> 00:03:24,530
that separate us from chaos.
86
00:03:24,531 --> 00:03:26,314
Yeah, I'm-I'm with him.
I stayed up all night
87
00:03:26,315 --> 00:03:27,530
memorizing the manual.
88
00:03:27,531 --> 00:03:28,740
Good for you, son. See, Oscar?
89
00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:29,740
This young man gets it.
90
00:03:29,741 --> 00:03:31,240
Kidding, nerd. I skimmed it
91
00:03:31,241 --> 00:03:33,131
while playing video
games and eating pizza.
92
00:03:34,531 --> 00:03:36,631
Will you be my new best friend?
93
00:03:38,111 --> 00:03:39,774
Did one of you dummies
park a silver sedan
94
00:03:39,775 --> 00:03:42,030
in the red zone? You're
about to get towed.
95
00:03:42,031 --> 00:03:44,711
Okay, fellas, got to run.
96
00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:49,321
Don't do the horn.
97
00:03:49,322 --> 00:03:50,106
I'm doing the horn.
98
00:03:50,107 --> 00:03:51,990
I'll give you 50 bucks
not to do the horn.
99
00:03:55,911 --> 00:03:57,450
Behold! Felix Unger,
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00:03:57,451 --> 00:04:00,841
proud owner of a New York
State learner's permit!
101
00:04:02,571 --> 00:04:04,434
For your information, I
actually scored highest
102
00:04:04,435 --> 00:04:07,208
on the written test in history, 102%.
103
00:04:07,209 --> 00:04:09,309
Oh, that sucks. You were
only two off from perfect.
104
00:04:10,749 --> 00:04:13,418
Wait, how is 102% even possible?
105
00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:14,998
For extra credit, I turned in an essay
106
00:04:14,999 --> 00:04:19,628
on headrest safety entitled
"A Head Above the Rest."
107
00:04:19,629 --> 00:04:20,828
So you can drive now?
108
00:04:20,829 --> 00:04:22,168
Well, I actually still need
109
00:04:22,169 --> 00:04:23,912
50 hours of practice
with a licensed driver.
110
00:04:23,913 --> 00:04:25,458
And then the road test. And then...
111
00:04:25,459 --> 00:04:27,458
look out, historic
landmarks of the Northeast,
112
00:04:27,459 --> 00:04:30,288
Felix Unger is coming to look at you.
113
00:04:30,289 --> 00:04:32,078
You know, Felix, driving
is a little harder
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than you may think.
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00:04:33,579 --> 00:04:35,668
Oh, please. How hard
could it possibly be?
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00:04:35,669 --> 00:04:37,868
I taught myself chess
at five, cello at ten.
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00:04:37,869 --> 00:04:40,469
I've mastered several languages.
118
00:04:42,209 --> 00:04:43,958
I just said, "Including Korean."
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Phew.
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00:04:46,169 --> 00:04:48,849
I got super freaked
out that was English.
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00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:53,248
My point is, I am a quick study,
122
00:04:53,249 --> 00:04:55,248
and I think learning
to drive will be a snap.
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00:04:55,249 --> 00:04:58,288
Now, all I need is a warm
body to accompany me. So...
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00:04:58,289 --> 00:05:01,668
Oh, boy. Here it comes.
125
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:03,639
Teddy, are you free this afternoon?
126
00:05:05,369 --> 00:05:07,291
- Can I binge-watch TV on my laptop?
- Yes.
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00:05:07,292 --> 00:05:08,328
Will my family be there?
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00:05:08,329 --> 00:05:08,869
No.
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00:05:08,870 --> 00:05:10,828
I'm in.
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00:05:10,829 --> 00:05:12,628
Great. Thank you, Teddy.
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00:05:12,629 --> 00:05:14,788
You're asking Teddy? Seriously?
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00:05:14,789 --> 00:05:16,828
Yeah. What's wrong?
133
00:05:16,829 --> 00:05:19,038
So I'm good enough to
chauffeur you to the DMV,
134
00:05:19,039 --> 00:05:21,538
but I'm not good enough to
help you learn how to drive?
135
00:05:21,539 --> 00:05:24,078
Oscar, how could you think
that I would possibly ask you?
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00:05:24,079 --> 00:05:25,868
You have a reckless
disregard for the rules,
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00:05:25,869 --> 00:05:28,708
in every aspect of your life.
Fashion, hygiene, grammar,
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00:05:28,709 --> 00:05:31,668
hygiene... it bears repeating.
139
00:05:31,669 --> 00:05:34,368
So I'm not vigilant about
when I should wear deodorant...
140
00:05:34,369 --> 00:05:37,248
Every day. Never a downside.
141
00:05:37,249 --> 00:05:40,168
But on the big stuff, I
am completely responsible.
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00:05:40,169 --> 00:05:42,208
Oscar, your show starts in 15 seconds!
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00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:44,139
Damn it! I thought it was Saturday!
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00:05:59,925 --> 00:06:06,525
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
145
00:06:09,270 --> 00:06:10,807
A miniature van. Splendid.
146
00:06:10,808 --> 00:06:11,911
Ugh.
147
00:06:11,912 --> 00:06:15,327
Greetings, noble metal steed.
May you guide and protect me
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as you take me on my maiden voyage
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00:06:16,713 --> 00:06:19,406
around this new city of York.
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00:06:19,407 --> 00:06:23,286
Noise cancelling. Thank God.
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00:06:23,287 --> 00:06:27,036
Ah. Yeah.
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00:06:28,287 --> 00:06:30,456
Oh.
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00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:33,036
You know, I'm catching up
on the first season of Lost.
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00:06:33,037 --> 00:06:35,036
I missed it when my daughter was born.
155
00:06:35,037 --> 00:06:37,616
And she's an angel and the best
thing that ever happened to me,
156
00:06:37,617 --> 00:06:40,746
blah, blah, blah. You want half of this?
157
00:06:40,747 --> 00:06:43,496
No, thank you. I will be keeping
my hands firmly on the wheel.
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00:06:43,497 --> 00:06:45,967
Um, speaking of which...
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00:06:49,197 --> 00:06:50,866
No offense, Teddy.
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00:06:50,867 --> 00:06:53,116
None taken. That
thing's got to be nasty.
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00:06:53,117 --> 00:06:55,956
You will thank me during flu season.
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00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:58,786
Let's see. Rearview mirror, check.
163
00:06:58,787 --> 00:07:01,746
Passenger-side mirror,
check. Driver-side mirror,
164
00:07:01,747 --> 00:07:04,366
a little bit streaky.
I'll allow it. Okay.
165
00:07:04,367 --> 00:07:05,952
And now I shall signal my intent
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00:07:07,537 --> 00:07:09,536
to move into the flow of traffic.
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00:07:09,537 --> 00:07:11,036
And the open road
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00:07:11,037 --> 00:07:13,076
beckons.
169
00:07:15,537 --> 00:07:16,866
What?
170
00:07:16,867 --> 00:07:18,570
That motorcyclist!
Where did he come from?!
171
00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:22,196
I don't know. He looks Puerto Rican.
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00:07:22,197 --> 00:07:23,956
He veered right into my
lane without signaling.
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00:07:23,957 --> 00:07:25,620
Felix, this is New
York City. You're lucky
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00:07:25,621 --> 00:07:27,196
he didn't throw a cup of urine at us.
175
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:29,036
It's okay.
176
00:07:29,037 --> 00:07:31,116
Nothing's wrong. Everything's okay.
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00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,746
Let's try this again.
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00:07:33,747 --> 00:07:34,432
Oh, my God!
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What?! What is it?!
180
00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:37,956
It looks like some kind of monster
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00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:39,557
made out of smoke!
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That was quick.
183
00:07:46,787 --> 00:07:48,116
It was an unmitigated disaster.
184
00:07:48,117 --> 00:07:49,540
Teddy paid no attention whatsoever.
185
00:07:49,541 --> 00:07:51,366
Do not open that hatch. Do not!
186
00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:53,576
He opened it.
187
00:07:53,577 --> 00:07:55,576
See what I mean?
188
00:07:55,577 --> 00:07:58,406
Well, Felix, I guess driving
wasn't as easy as you thought.
189
00:07:58,407 --> 00:08:00,866
No. I will admit that
I may need more guidance
190
00:08:00,867 --> 00:08:02,866
than I had originally anticipated.
191
00:08:02,867 --> 00:08:05,156
Well, I'm glad you finally
came to your senses.
192
00:08:05,157 --> 00:08:06,746
Absolutely. So...
193
00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:08,597
Murph, will you teach me to drive?
194
00:08:11,037 --> 00:08:12,746
Really?
195
00:08:12,747 --> 00:08:14,536
Aw, dude, I'd be honored.
196
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:16,156
Although my dad
197
00:08:16,157 --> 00:08:18,100
always said it was better
to teach a man to fish,
198
00:08:18,101 --> 00:08:19,781
so would you rather do that?
199
00:08:22,907 --> 00:08:25,406
Let's start with the driving.
200
00:08:25,407 --> 00:08:28,137
I call shotgun.
201
00:08:30,407 --> 00:08:32,117
Poor Oscar.
202
00:08:32,118 --> 00:08:33,826
What are you talking about?
203
00:08:33,827 --> 00:08:35,450
Well, it seems like you're a little hurt
204
00:08:35,451 --> 00:08:37,156
that Felix didn't ask you to teach him.
205
00:08:37,157 --> 00:08:39,500
What? You think I'd want to
waste a beautiful day like this
206
00:08:39,501 --> 00:08:41,746
cooped up in some car?
207
00:08:46,197 --> 00:08:49,366
Ha-ha! Check out that turn, Felix!
208
00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:52,137
You're not in the room.
209
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,576
I'm gonna turn on the air
210
00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:58,036
'cause the body spray's
getting to my eyes.
211
00:08:58,037 --> 00:09:01,746
Thank you so much for doing this, Murph.
212
00:09:01,747 --> 00:09:04,326
Aw, you got it, buddy.
This hot soccer mom I dated
213
00:09:04,327 --> 00:09:05,906
had a minivan just like this.
214
00:09:05,907 --> 00:09:07,326
Those seats go all the way down.
215
00:09:07,327 --> 00:09:09,576
Oh.
216
00:09:09,577 --> 00:09:11,297
I know that from reading
the owner's manual,
217
00:09:11,298 --> 00:09:12,957
and you know that from fornicating.
218
00:09:12,958 --> 00:09:14,826
Okay,
219
00:09:14,827 --> 00:09:16,914
so I shall hold the
wheel at ten and two.
220
00:09:16,915 --> 00:09:17,579
Oh,
221
00:09:17,580 --> 00:09:19,576
I am no expert, but pretty sure
222
00:09:19,577 --> 00:09:21,297
you should hold it the whole time.
223
00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:26,036
Good thinking, Murph. Well, let's try
224
00:09:26,037 --> 00:09:27,909
this again, shall we? Okay.
225
00:09:27,910 --> 00:09:29,282
And...
226
00:09:29,283 --> 00:09:30,656
Good to go.
227
00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:31,887
Look at this... I'm motoring!
228
00:09:33,117 --> 00:09:34,956
I am answering the
call of the open road.
229
00:09:34,957 --> 00:09:37,039
- Whoa. Stop, stop, stop, stop!
- Waah!
230
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,826
What did I do?
231
00:09:38,827 --> 00:09:41,536
Hey, babe. How you doing?
232
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:43,786
You ever watch baseball?
233
00:09:43,787 --> 00:09:45,456
I'm me.
234
00:09:45,457 --> 00:09:47,076
Murph.
235
00:09:47,077 --> 00:09:48,661
I can't have you hanging out the window
236
00:09:48,662 --> 00:09:50,996
talking to some women...
this is not a discotheque.
237
00:09:50,997 --> 00:09:54,057
You're right. I-I'm... I'm sorry.
238
00:09:58,747 --> 00:10:02,406
Mm, aw, it's so sweet you're
teaching him how to drive.
239
00:10:02,407 --> 00:10:04,956
Well, it's easy when you care.
240
00:10:04,957 --> 00:10:07,156
Um...
241
00:10:07,157 --> 00:10:10,076
Murph? I'm coming to an intersection.
242
00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:12,507
You're doing great,
buddy. Believe in yourself.
243
00:10:13,907 --> 00:10:15,650
Okay, well, the-the
light's blinking yellow,
244
00:10:15,651 --> 00:10:16,787
but nobody's slowing down.
245
00:10:16,788 --> 00:10:18,036
Yeah. Don't stop.
246
00:10:18,037 --> 00:10:20,866
Yeah, so I... I-I don't
have to yield to traffic?
247
00:10:20,867 --> 00:10:22,406
Yeah.
248
00:10:22,407 --> 00:10:25,036
"Yeah" I don't? Just go straight?
249
00:10:25,037 --> 00:10:26,076
Yeah, right there.
250
00:10:26,077 --> 00:10:27,326
Wait. Straight or right?
251
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:29,616
Murph, a-are you
talking to me or to her?
252
00:10:29,617 --> 00:10:33,406
Murph, I can see you. It's
very distracting back there!
253
00:10:33,407 --> 00:10:34,826
Oh. Sorry.
254
00:10:34,827 --> 00:10:36,286
I totally get it.
255
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:38,007
Yeah.
256
00:10:41,907 --> 00:10:44,326
Are you sure your dad doesn't mind?
257
00:10:44,327 --> 00:10:46,427
Nah, he's cool.
258
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,866
What happened?
259
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:02,116
Was Murph not a good teacher?
260
00:11:03,657 --> 00:11:05,656
Driver's Ed? No.
261
00:11:05,657 --> 00:11:08,887
Of Sex Ed, he is summa cum laude.
262
00:11:10,197 --> 00:11:12,496
I guess it has come to this.
263
00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:14,057
Oscar...
264
00:11:15,287 --> 00:11:16,597
...have you seen Dani?
265
00:11:18,997 --> 00:11:20,496
Aw, look at you.
266
00:11:20,497 --> 00:11:22,996
Cruising down the street
in your little sweater vest
267
00:11:22,997 --> 00:11:25,156
Ah, you're a natural.
268
00:11:25,157 --> 00:11:26,826
Oh, I should have asked you first, Dani.
269
00:11:26,827 --> 00:11:28,826
Your nurturing presence
is exactly what I needed.
270
00:11:28,827 --> 00:11:29,722
Aw...
271
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:30,616
Oh! Okay,
272
00:11:30,617 --> 00:11:32,196
No touching the driver, of course.
273
00:11:32,197 --> 00:11:34,156
Oh.
274
00:11:34,157 --> 00:11:36,357
Hey, look... there's, uh,
some sort of pigeon convention
275
00:11:36,358 --> 00:11:37,213
in the road up ahead.
276
00:11:38,037 --> 00:11:40,536
Ah. They move. They always move.
277
00:11:40,537 --> 00:11:42,906
Not moving. Wow, they're
not moving at all.
278
00:11:42,907 --> 00:11:46,366
The pigeons are, uh,
are playing chicken.
279
00:11:46,367 --> 00:11:49,409
- Felix, relax. In all my years
of driving, I never... - Uh-huh.
280
00:11:51,867 --> 00:11:53,246
Why aren't they moving?!
281
00:11:53,247 --> 00:11:55,076
They are choosing to die!
282
00:11:55,077 --> 00:11:57,196
You're in the wrong lane!
Felix, get back in your lane!
283
00:11:57,197 --> 00:11:59,919
- ♪ Oh, I'll soon be in Heaven ♪
- I can't see with so many feathers!
284
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,682
- ♪ With my Lord, yes, I will ♪
- (screaming)
285
00:12:01,683 --> 00:12:04,076
♪ Oh, I'll soon be in
Heaven with my Lord... ♪
286
00:12:06,157 --> 00:12:08,326
Oh, thank you, Lord, for delivering me
287
00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:10,257
from the clutches of death.
288
00:12:12,617 --> 00:12:14,601
Okay, that was funny,
like, the first three times,
289
00:12:14,602 --> 00:12:15,947
but I think the Lord gets it.
290
00:12:15,948 --> 00:12:17,786
Oscar, I'm clocking out for the day.
291
00:12:17,787 --> 00:12:20,076
I'm gonna go volunteer
at a soup kitchen.
292
00:12:20,077 --> 00:12:22,927
I made a lot of promises in that car.
293
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:26,847
So...
294
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:30,967
...how'd it go?
295
00:12:31,907 --> 00:12:33,616
Ha-ha. Yes.
296
00:12:33,617 --> 00:12:35,576
Rub it in. You can have a laugh.
297
00:12:35,577 --> 00:12:37,887
I'm sure you'll love this
next knee-slapper: I quit!
298
00:12:38,827 --> 00:12:41,156
Wait, you're giving up?
299
00:12:41,157 --> 00:12:42,906
What happened to not being a passenger
300
00:12:42,907 --> 00:12:44,576
on life's winding road?
301
00:12:44,577 --> 00:12:46,616
What do you want me to
say, Oscar? I failed.
302
00:12:46,617 --> 00:12:49,576
My dreams of being a driver are no more.
303
00:12:49,577 --> 00:12:52,717
Well, that is what I wanted you to say.
304
00:12:54,327 --> 00:12:59,246
But now I feel bad 'cause it
sounded sadder than I thought.
305
00:12:59,247 --> 00:13:00,470
It's just too crazy out there.
306
00:13:00,471 --> 00:13:02,656
I'm not built for the chaos of the road.
307
00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:05,786
Say, what's the name of
that Sri Lankan restaurant,
308
00:13:05,787 --> 00:13:07,616
the one you're always talking about
309
00:13:07,617 --> 00:13:10,557
that sounds awful and far away?
310
00:13:11,827 --> 00:13:14,956
You mean the Sinhala
Curry Castle in Yonkers?
311
00:13:14,957 --> 00:13:16,786
I'm afraid I do.
312
00:13:16,787 --> 00:13:19,616
How about I treat you to
dinner? Come on, I'll drive.
313
00:13:19,617 --> 00:13:21,496
Oh. That might be just the thing
314
00:13:21,497 --> 00:13:23,656
to distract me from my
failure. Thank you, Oscar.
315
00:13:23,657 --> 00:13:25,456
What is Sri Lankan food, anyway?
316
00:13:25,457 --> 00:13:27,520
Well, it depends what region
you're talking about...
317
00:13:27,521 --> 00:13:28,576
Katunayake or Negombo.
318
00:13:28,577 --> 00:13:31,177
Thanks for clearing that up.
319
00:13:35,997 --> 00:13:37,996
Oh, Oscar, I'm glad that we did this.
320
00:13:37,997 --> 00:13:39,826
Did you get enough of the goat kottu?
321
00:13:39,827 --> 00:13:42,717
I had none, so yes, I had enough.
322
00:13:44,037 --> 00:13:45,619
Oh.
323
00:13:45,620 --> 00:13:46,956
Oscar, are you okay?
324
00:13:46,957 --> 00:13:49,036
That fermented yak's milk cocktail
325
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:51,196
really packs a punch.
326
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:54,366
I told you to go easy on the yaquiris.
327
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,656
Are you drunk? Can you drive?
328
00:13:56,657 --> 00:13:59,326
I don't think I can. Maybe you should.
329
00:13:59,327 --> 00:14:01,786
Oscar, you know I can't do that.
330
00:14:01,787 --> 00:14:05,286
We're miles away from home in
the Sri Lankan part of Yonkers!
331
00:14:05,287 --> 00:14:07,696
Well, it was your idea to
come all the way out here.
332
00:14:07,697 --> 00:14:10,196
Oh, damn my goat tooth!
333
00:14:10,197 --> 00:14:13,616
This is the most irresponsible
thing that you have ever done.
334
00:14:13,617 --> 00:14:15,717
Well, I'm sure that's not true.
335
00:14:16,617 --> 00:14:18,576
Felix, you can do this.
336
00:14:18,577 --> 00:14:19,616
Okay?
337
00:14:22,787 --> 00:14:23,702
Okay.
338
00:14:23,703 --> 00:14:24,616
Okay.
339
00:14:30,777 --> 00:14:33,964
Stop screaming! Stop screaming!
340
00:14:35,246 --> 00:14:36,566
I can't believe you got so drunk.
341
00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:37,643
That was so irresponsible.
342
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:39,564
In the words of the
immortal Winston Churchill...
343
00:14:39,565 --> 00:14:41,287
Go back to screaming.
344
00:14:41,288 --> 00:14:43,526
Whoa! Did you see how
fast that truck was going?
345
00:14:43,527 --> 00:14:45,976
Write down the number, so we
can call and complain to...
346
00:14:45,977 --> 00:14:47,976
Well, now he's too far away.
347
00:14:47,977 --> 00:14:49,976
That's a terrible system.
348
00:14:49,977 --> 00:14:52,069
- Let's just listen to some tunes.
- No, no, please,
349
00:14:52,070 --> 00:14:54,333
turn it off... I can't be distracted.
350
00:14:54,334 --> 00:14:56,356
When you listen to
music it calms you down.
351
00:14:56,357 --> 00:14:57,997
It's a relaxative.
352
00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:01,896
That can't be right. Is that right?
353
00:15:01,897 --> 00:15:03,436
It's hilarious.
354
00:15:03,437 --> 00:15:05,856
Oh, listen... jazz! Perfect!
355
00:15:05,857 --> 00:15:08,356
Jazz is like driving...
you have to improvise.
356
00:15:08,357 --> 00:15:10,066
Tap your fingers to the beat.
357
00:15:10,067 --> 00:15:12,276
And release my grip from
the wheel? Are you crazy?
358
00:15:12,277 --> 00:15:14,476
It's like what you always
say about feather dusting.
359
00:15:14,477 --> 00:15:17,936
"Grip lightly, clean rightly"?
360
00:15:17,937 --> 00:15:18,816
That's right.
361
00:15:20,777 --> 00:15:23,146
Okay. I'll give it a try.
362
00:15:23,147 --> 00:15:24,476
See? Just chill out.
363
00:15:24,477 --> 00:15:26,066
Get out of your head.
364
00:15:27,647 --> 00:15:29,856
Okay. Okay.
365
00:15:29,857 --> 00:15:31,816
Look at that. Very good. Look, tapping.
366
00:15:31,817 --> 00:15:33,026
Yeah.
367
00:15:33,027 --> 00:15:34,170
I'm tapping and I'm driving.
368
00:15:34,171 --> 00:15:36,106
All right.
369
00:15:36,107 --> 00:15:37,686
Hello, fellow drivers. Aah...
370
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,606
Hello, Felix Unger, driving machine.
371
00:15:39,607 --> 00:15:42,856
Look at me,
Oscar, I'm a driving machine.
372
00:15:42,857 --> 00:15:44,396
Yes, you are.
373
00:15:46,397 --> 00:15:48,396
You're not drunk, are you?
374
00:15:48,397 --> 00:15:51,566
Nope. Those were virgin yaquiris.
375
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:54,186
I needed you behind the
wheel and out of your head.
376
00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:56,526
Tricked me. This could
have ended in tragedy.
377
00:15:56,527 --> 00:15:59,476
But it didn't. I think someone
owes someone an apology.
378
00:16:01,897 --> 00:16:04,127
Oscar, is that smoke?
379
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:06,356
Oh, boy.
380
00:16:06,357 --> 00:16:09,186
"Oh, boy"? Wait, wh-what is "oh, boy"?
381
00:16:09,187 --> 00:16:10,436
Could I get that apology first?
382
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:11,896
Just a quick "I'm sorry" will do.
383
00:16:11,897 --> 00:16:13,779
- Oscar!
- Okay, the "check engine" light
384
00:16:13,780 --> 00:16:16,236
was on for a while, but
after a month it went out,
385
00:16:16,237 --> 00:16:18,026
so I figured everything was fine.
386
00:16:18,027 --> 00:16:21,606
It went out because the bulb
died like the one in your head!
387
00:16:21,607 --> 00:16:23,896
What do I do? What do I do?
388
00:16:23,897 --> 00:16:26,026
Pull over. Pull over.
389
00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:28,276
But go easy... the brakes are bad.
390
00:16:31,937 --> 00:16:35,106
There seems to be some smoke
emanating from the vehicle.
391
00:16:35,107 --> 00:16:38,537
Oscar... I strongly dislike you.
392
00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:40,896
And I don't blame you.
393
00:16:40,897 --> 00:16:42,776
But look what you did... you improvised,
394
00:16:42,777 --> 00:16:44,606
you drove us to safety.
395
00:16:44,607 --> 00:16:47,606
You got thrown in the deep end
and you figured out how to swim.
396
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:49,476
You're officially a driver, Felix.
397
00:16:49,477 --> 00:16:52,316
You're right. Wow.
398
00:16:52,317 --> 00:16:55,936
This must be how people feel
right before they do a high five.
399
00:16:55,937 --> 00:16:57,776
You want to try one, don't you?
400
00:16:57,777 --> 00:16:59,816
I kinda do.
401
00:16:59,817 --> 00:17:01,436
Don't fight it.
402
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:02,957
Okay.
403
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:05,736
Not bad.
404
00:17:05,737 --> 00:17:07,976
It hurt, but in-in a good way. Yeah.
405
00:17:07,977 --> 00:17:09,936
I was pretty cool back there, wasn't I?
406
00:17:09,937 --> 00:17:12,236
I used my blinkers, I
turned on the hazards,
407
00:17:12,237 --> 00:17:14,146
I opened the sunroof...
which was an accident,
408
00:17:14,147 --> 00:17:15,837
but it was still pretty cool.
409
00:17:17,567 --> 00:17:20,356
Say, Felix?
410
00:17:20,357 --> 00:17:22,816
Did you put the car in park?
411
00:17:26,277 --> 00:17:27,936
Oscar...
412
00:17:27,937 --> 00:17:29,736
about that apology
you've been asking for...
413
00:17:29,737 --> 00:17:31,877
Unhand me, unhand me.
414
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:41,032
And that, Constable,
is how we ended up here.
415
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,467
I could cite you for an
improperly maintained vehicle,
416
00:17:43,567 --> 00:17:46,777
but honestly, I think living with
this guy's probably punishment enough.
417
00:17:46,778 --> 00:17:49,367
- Tell me about it.
- Couldn't agree more.
418
00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:51,027
Tow truck should be here in a minute.
419
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:52,107
You guys have a ride?
420
00:17:52,108 --> 00:17:53,237
Yeah, he's on his way.
421
00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:54,238
Great. Get out.
422
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:55,338
All right.
423
00:18:01,318 --> 00:18:03,157
I'm sorry about your car, Oscar.
424
00:18:03,158 --> 00:18:06,027
And I'm sorry that I
didn't ask you to teach me.
425
00:18:06,028 --> 00:18:09,237
I didn't know that I wanted to
be asked till you didn't ask me.
426
00:18:09,238 --> 00:18:10,907
Can't believe I asked Murph.
427
00:18:10,908 --> 00:18:13,737
I wonder if they made a baby.
428
00:18:13,738 --> 00:18:16,317
I count on you for so much...
429
00:18:16,318 --> 00:18:19,197
food, clothing, getting
food off my clothing...
430
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:21,907
it's nice to be able
to return the favor.
431
00:18:21,908 --> 00:18:24,867
Well, I should have asked you first...
you were clearly the best choice.
432
00:18:24,868 --> 00:18:28,067
Of course. Who knows you better than me?
433
00:18:28,068 --> 00:18:31,317
It's funny, the thing that scared me most
about driving was the unpredictability,
434
00:18:31,318 --> 00:18:36,067
and yet, living with you has taught
me to accept a certain amount of chaos.
435
00:18:36,068 --> 00:18:38,607
The greatest teacher
being your bathroom.
436
00:18:40,948 --> 00:18:43,067
You boys looking for a ride?
437
00:18:43,068 --> 00:18:45,567
Teddy, thanks for coming to get us, man.
438
00:18:45,568 --> 00:18:48,791
Felix, you mind telling me why there's a
chicken foot in the grill of my minivan?
439
00:18:48,792 --> 00:18:50,447
Oh, that's not all you're gonna find.
440
00:18:50,448 --> 00:18:52,031
What's your insurance deductible again?
441
00:18:52,032 --> 00:18:58,933
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