Original subtitles

Nice shot, Tyler.

Now let's storm the mothership.

I don't care if you have a math test tomorrow.

Tell your mom this is war!

Hello, Oscar.

Since we left, have you moved

any part of your body other than your thumbs?

That's a pretty personal question there, Felix.

You know, I-I just remembered,

I need to pop back down to the lobby for something.

Felix,

someone will clean those smudges off the elevator buttons.

Well,

you know my theory...

"If you seen it, clean it."

Well, do you need any help? I can come with.

Don't be silly. Stay with Oscar... you can chat.

I don't really get these games.

So, what, you just run around shooting anything that moves?

Seems like you get it.

So what's this one about?

Killing aliens.

Why do they have to die?

I don't know. They just do.

So you're-you're invading some planet

just to destroy the native race?

Again, you seem to understand the game pretty perfectly.

Oh great, Emily.

Thanks for making me die.

Sorry, Tyler.

Yeah, some girl.

Is that my crème brûlée?

I don't know what it is.

It just said "Emily" on it.

Oscar, that's so inconsiderate.

No, what's inconsiderate

is distracting the only hero

that can save the galaxy.

Oh. I am sorry for ruining your game

made for 13-year-olds.

Thirteen...

and over.

What is going on?

Oscar ate the crème brûlée that I was saving.

Which you left in my fridge, in my apartment.

Not a good choice.

For God's sake, you are the two

most important people in my life.

I wish that you could just be better friends.

We don't exactly have a lot in common.

She's right.

Except for pasta and crème brûlée.

You ate my pasta, too?

Well, I wasn't going to start with dessert.

How do you know that you don't have anything in common

when you've never spent any quality time together.

I just had a brilliant idea.

Emily and I have dinner reservations for tonight,

but I think that you two should go instead.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, come on, if you guys became friends

then the three of us can all hang out together.

What do you say?

Please? For me?

For you? Okay.

Oscar?

For you?

Not okay.

Well, then you leave me no other choice.

Remember when you forgot my birthday

and you gave me this?

"Good for one free favor."

"Favor" spelled "e-r," by the way.

I don't remember writing that.

"Even though I'm drunk, this still counts."

Let me see that.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Hi.

Ooh, don't you look nice

for your big date with Oscar.

It's not a date.

It's a mandatory friendship summit.

Come on, Oscar's not that bad.

Yeah?

Yesterday he growled at me.

Were you holding food?

If you had food in your hand, you could lose a finger.

Hey, guys. Where's Oscar?

He's getting ready for his date with Emily.

Ooh, dating both roommates?

It's always the shy ones.

Ooh, Teddy, could you do me a favor?

Um, I would be so grateful

if you could look this contract over.

Sure. What's it for?

Well, I just got offered

to do the voice-over

for a Brooklyn Bridge Carpet commercial.

Oh, my God.

Congratulations.

Oh, thanks.

They heard me on Oscar's show

and they said my voice was the perfect blend

of spunk and crunk.

- That's code for black. - Mm-hmm.

It shouldn't take too long.

The producer said the contract's pretty standard.

Yeah, they always say that,

especially when they're trying to screw you over.

Yep, right here.

A flat fee with no residuals or bumps?

Bumps? What are bumps? I want bumps.

Absolutely. You're worth more than this.

Just sit back and let Teddy work his magic.

- Oh! Teddy's going to work his magic. - Yay.

All right, let's get this over with.

Oscar, tuck in your shirt.

You can't eat foie gras looking like a vagrant.

Grown man. Grown man.

- Are you sure that you can't come with? - Yeah.

No, tonight is not about me.

It's about my bro and my girlfriend

forming a beautiful friendship

over the fatty liver of a force-fed goose.

Come on. Oh, wait, I want to get a shot.

Just one. Ready?

Okay. And here we go.

Great, ah, hmm? Yeah.

Smile.

You're going to dinner, not a funeral.

Night's young.

Oh, great, action shot.

Look at that. There we go.

Okay, and, give me a thumbs up.

That's not a thumb.

I think we're ready to order now.

I will have whatever salad you can eat the fastest.

Yes, and what's that steak you don't have to cook?

Tartare, right? I'll have that.

Actually, you don't have to worry about ordering.

Mr. Unger called and arranged a tasting menu for you.

11 courses.

And he wanted me to tell you to,

"Treat your taste buds as you become best buds."

He won't even let us order our own food?

Oh, come on, he's not that bad.

It's from Felix.

"Don't fill up on bread."

Oh.

"Don't let Oscar fill up on bread."

His heart is in the right place.

He just wants us to become friends.

No, he's a great guy.

I just wish he wasn't so...

Controlling?

Exactly.

Can I tell you a secret?

Is this about your snaggle-toe?

'Cause Felix already told me.

No.

Sometimes before he takes me to these fancy restaurants,

I sneak down to Langford's and I eat a bacon cheeseburger.

Really? I never pictured you for a burger fan.

Have you ever been to Duffy's Tavern in the Village?

Where they name the burgers after famous people?

Yeah, I love that place.

My favorite's the Sonny Bono, because it's so big...

You have to Cher.

Yeah.

Wrapped in bacon, covered in onions.

Ah, it's dripping in cheese. It's so good.

Your first course: one raw sea urchin,

finished with an absinthe foam reduction.

I think mine's still moving.

Mine, too. Burger?

Burger.

Okay.

You know what I mean?

Hi.

Ho, ho.

There they are.

Tell me everything.

I've never been more excited to find out

what another man did with my girlfriend.

We actually had a really nice time.

What was your favorite course?

Oh...

That is hard to say.

Yes, they were all so good.

I think maybe the... snails?

The fifth-course snails or the eighth-course snails?

Eighth?

There are no eighth-course snails. What is going on?

Okay, fine, we bailed on your fancy place and got burgers.

What?

Yeah, but the important thing is we had a great time.

Just like you wanted us to.

That was the goal.

But why are you so late,

if you just had hamburger sandwiches?

Well, we were walking through Chinatown

and we found this place where you can play tic-tac-toe

against a real live chicken.

They call it...

Chick-Tac-Toe!

You played tic-tac-toe with a chicken?

He's smarter than you'd think.

You lost tic-tac-toe to a chicken?

It was so much fun.

Well, it'll be a night you'll never forget

because it's almost certainly the night

that you contracted bird flu.

What was that?

Oh, nothing... just a little inside joke.

Inside jokes.

How fun.

We just made a bet on how long it would take

for you to mention "bird flu."

Delightful.

I'm glad we can all enjoy the lighter side

of a global pandemic.

Another wager.

Look how much fun two-thirds of us are having.

Aw...

Oh, come on, Felix.

We're just playing around.

You know, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I'm still kind of hungry.

- There's ice cream in the freezer. - Oh.

Okay, enjoy, you two.

Just make sure that you...

Check the expiration date.

Ha-ha! Is something I am wont to say.

Oh, Emily.

Did we have plans?

I actually have to run out to a photo shoot.

Oh, no, I just came over

to play this game with Oscar.

Turns out they're really fun,

even though I always thought they were dumb.

Kind of like Oscar.

Well, aren't you two a couple of Mario Brothers?

Okay.

Well, have fun getting carpal tunnel syndrome.

Another inside joke.

And just when I thought you'd run out.

Damn it.

Who took my Tranquility tea?

You.

You look tranquil, did you take it?

Are you okay?

No, I'm fine. Yes. I just...

I thought that when Oscar and Emily became friends,

we'd be like the Three Musketeers.

But actually, they're the Two Musketeers

and I'm the bastard stable boy that they ridicule.

They're just wrapped up in the excitement

of having a new friend.

It doesn't mean they're going to cut you out.

You're right.

I shouldn't be so sensitive.

Hey, I get it.

Nobody likes to feel...

...ignored.

Well, I'm off.

Wait, you can't go.

- I suppose I could stay for a minute. - The light

hasn't turned green yet, you cheater.

Well, "Goodbye, Felix. We'll miss you.

Thanks for making us friends, you chump."

Victory!

Two in a row. You are on a roll.

Yes.

While I'm on this hot streak, we should go win my money back

from that chicken.

That is a great idea.

Maybe Felix will meet up with us later.

I'll go catch him.

Yeah. Although...

Do you think Felix would enjoy Chick-Tac-Toe?

Oh, God, no. But I feel bad not inviting him.

Yeah.

Although...

If we invite him, then he'll feel obligated to go

and have a terrible time.

And then we'll have a terrible time.

Although...

No more "althoughs." We shouldn't invite him.

You know, in a way, we are doing a really nice thing.

Yes. We are excluding him from something he would not enjoy.

But we are sparing his feelings by not telling him

that we are excluding him.

It's really quite beautiful.

One more game?

- Oh, yeah! - Okay.

Hey, guys. Is Dani...

Kitchen.

Okay.

Hey. I got your message.

Have you called about my contract yet?

Oh. No.

A good agent never calls in the first 24 hours.

Teddy, come on. I'm feeling really anxious.

And I just drank a gallon of Tranquility tea.

Mmm.

Okay.

- How 'bout we call him right now? - Okay.

Hey. Jimmy.

How you doing?

Oh, you know I'm good.

Eating clean, getting lean.

Jimmy loves me.

Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah, so I'm calling about Dani Duncan's contract.

You need to come up on those numbers.

Because we both know Dani is on fire right now.

Everybody wants her.

They do?

No, they don't.

Now, listen, Jimmy, listen.

I can't let my client roll over

and take some piece-of-crap deal.

We want double what you offered, with bumps, or we walk.

Now, you know where to find me.

Did you just hang up on him?

It's part of the dance, baby.

He's about to call back and give me everything I asked for.

Uh, I was, um...

Let me just check and see if the ringer is on.

Yep. There it is.

Five bars. That's good.

Although who knows how many bars he's got?

Son of a bitch!

Hello, Oscar.

- I finished your laundry. - Oh,

Thanks, buddy boy.

Don't mention it.

I found something really interesting in your dungarees.

More interesting than you calling them "dungarees"?

Look familiar?

It's a blend of safflower, millet, and thistle...

more commonly known as chicken feed.

Did you and Emily go play Chick-Tac-Toe again last night?

It's okay. Just say it. Say it.

No.

That's my new snack.

You know, because you're always on me to eat more fiber.

Hmm. Why don't you have some right now?

Wow.

That's fresh thistle.

Hey, guys.

Aha! I saw that!

Oscar, tell me the truth!

Okay! Emily and I went back to Chinatown.

- Oscar! - What?

We didn't do anything wrong!

Other than lying and sneaking around behind my back!

We weren't lying. We were just choosing

not to tell you something...

...we didn't want you to know.

Two days ago, I thought you had nothing in common.

But it turns out you do... hamburger sandwiches

and inside jokes and excluding me!

Felix, wait!

I don't know how a chicken does it.

Look, I am sorry that we went behind your back.

But you're the one who wanted us to become better friends.

Yes, and very soon you'll be better friends with each other

than you are with me.

What pose is that?

Not a pose, just misery.

Okay, now you're just being ridiculous, all right?

We weren't trying to hurt your feelings.

It was just a spontaneous thing.

I can be spontaneous.

Skit-skat-skiddly-doo!

Didn't even know I was gonna say that. Whoa!

Look out!

Felix.

What's he gonna do next? Wabba-wabba-wing-wong!

Ugh!

You are so tightly wound.

Why can't you just loosen up? You know, it wouldn't kill you

to be a little bit more like Oscar.

I'm sorry. What did you say?

What did I say?

I don't even know.

I'm sorry, Felix. I didn't mean to hurt you.

I'm sure we can get past this.

Makeup sex?

I'll just go.

Hey.

Any new developments?

Yeah.

One handful of chicken feed will ruin your whole night.

I was talking to Teddy.

So, what's going on with my deal?

Oh. Yeah. Uh, thing is, Dani, he hasn't called back,

and there's a chance he never will.

So that's it?

I know you're new to the business.

But you'll learn this kind of thing happens all the time.

Ah. I understand.

So, um, how does this work? You gonna cut me a check for $800,

or do I send you an invoice?

Uh, what are you talking about?

That's what they were offering before you blew this deal.

Now, if you don't have cash, I can do PayPal.

Dani, I'm not paying you.

Then you better pick up the phone and get me that job.

Because every agent in town wants to represent me.

- Really? - No, they don't.

Hey, guys.

Have you seen Felix? He just texted me to come by.

No, I haven't seen him since last night.

Morning. What's up?

Felix, what are you doing?

What? You said you wanted me

to be more like Oscar.

Hilarious!

Where's the remote control? Is sports on?

It's like I'm in the room.

Whoa! Who's gonna clean that up?

Not me!

Not me.

Felix.

Felix, stop.

Hey, Teddy. Why don't we go and watch some women strip off

their clothing?

What are you talking about, Fake Oscar?

Dani, make me a sandwich.

Oh, wait, never mind, here's one.

Mmm...

Felix,

don't light that. We get it. You've made your point.

Who's making a point? I'm just giving you what you want.

Be careful there, buddy, you're not supposed to inhale.

Don't be such a buzzkill, man.

Whoa.

Whoo.

That-that is actually... whoo.

That... Ow!

Are you okay?

I need to see a doctor. I think I broke my whisking wrist.

Well, that doesn't sound like me at all.

Why did it have to be his wrist?

He needs that to do his calligraphy,

to play his cello, to...

do other stuff.

Ew.

Listen, I know you feel bad, but don't beat yourself up about it.

Well, he hurt himself acting like you.

Which you told him to do.

Only after you blew our secret.

I should have never let you drag me back to that place.

Drag you? You were pretty up for it.

And it was your idea to have me eat a drumstick

to get in that chicken's head.

Yeah. Which would've worked

if you didn't suck so much at tic-tac-toe.

That chicken plays 100 times a day.

He's a professional!

The doctor looked at Mr. Unger's X-rays.

It turns out it was just a sprain.

- Oh, thank God. - Great. When can we take him home?

Oh, please, take him now.

He's back there giving another patient a second opinion.

Well, that's a relief.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I blamed you.

I was just worried about Felix.

Me, too.

Listen, I'm glad he found you.

It's nice to have somebody to share

that goofy little weirdo with.

Yeah. We're the only two people who understand what that's like.

Five bucks he thinks this place gave him Ebola.

My money's on flesh-eating bacteria.

You're on.

All right.

So try that. And if it doesn't clear up in two weeks,

give me a call.

Hey. How's your wrist?

Can't move it for a week.

Doctor doesn't want me to whisk it.

Funny bone still intact.

Let's get out of here.

Wait, just a sec. Um...

I had a lot of time to think back there,

and I realized why I was so keen

to force the two of you together.

It's because my ex-wife never liked Oscar.

And so I saw him less and less.

And I was worried that if you didn't like him,

I would be forced to choose again.

And... I can't do that.

Oh, you don't have to do that, buddy.

That's never gonna happen.

Great. Now let's get out of here before I catch Ebola, huh?

I saw that!

Hey, Dani.

I am not talking to you.

I understand. You don't need to talk to me.

You just need to sign your new contract.

What?

Yeah, Jimmy blinked. He called me back

and gave us everything we asked for.

Aw, thank you, Teddy. I never doubted you.

Mmm.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go take down

some playful tweets about your mama.

So what really happened?

I called Jimmy back, groveled a little bit,

and when that didn't work, I gave him something he wanted.

So congrats, Oscar.

You're the new spokesman for Long Island Portable Toilets.

Okay. For Dani, sure.

Aw, thanks.

You're gonna look great in that costume.

Wait, what?

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.