All language subtitles for The Odd Couple S02E05 Oscars Overture

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,179 --> 00:00:05,928 Thank you for taking me to lunch, Oscar. 2 00:00:05,929 --> 00:00:07,178 I'm so looking forward to it. 3 00:00:07,179 --> 00:00:08,638 Well, it's a big day. 4 00:00:08,639 --> 00:00:10,718 The third anniversary of us working together. 5 00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:12,928 Ah, our work-iversary. 6 00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:15,008 Yeah, keep saying it. It's still not catching on. 7 00:00:15,009 --> 00:00:16,758 Oh. 8 00:00:16,759 --> 00:00:19,063 Listen, the last few years have been kind of rough for me, 9 00:00:19,064 --> 00:00:21,468 and I wanted to thank you for always being there. 10 00:00:22,675 --> 00:00:23,878 Oh. 11 00:00:23,879 --> 00:00:25,798 Well, this was fun. Off you go! 12 00:00:25,799 --> 00:00:27,878 Oscar. 13 00:00:27,879 --> 00:00:30,638 Charlotte. You going up? 'Cause I'm going up, too. 14 00:00:30,639 --> 00:00:32,931 - Weren't you just getting off? - No. 15 00:00:32,932 --> 00:00:34,859 I forgot my keys upstairs. 16 00:00:38,589 --> 00:00:39,838 Since I have you here... 17 00:00:39,839 --> 00:00:42,548 In an enclosed box with nowhere to go? 18 00:00:42,549 --> 00:00:44,838 Romantic, right? 19 00:00:44,839 --> 00:00:47,138 Oscar, how many times are you going to ask me out? 20 00:00:47,139 --> 00:00:48,758 Whatever the current number is, plus 21 00:00:48,759 --> 00:00:50,638 "Will you join me for a drink tonight?" 22 00:00:50,639 --> 00:00:52,891 Sorry, I'm busy. 23 00:00:52,892 --> 00:00:55,371 I'm chairing a fund-raiser for the New York Philharmonic. 24 00:00:55,372 --> 00:00:56,232 Are you kidding?! 25 00:00:56,233 --> 00:00:58,553 That's exactly where I was going to take you for the drink. 26 00:00:58,577 --> 00:01:00,928 As I am also attending, as well. 27 00:01:00,929 --> 00:01:03,798 Really? I did not have you pegged 28 00:01:03,799 --> 00:01:05,338 for a classical music guy. 29 00:01:05,339 --> 00:01:08,008 Oh, yeah, love the stuff. The classicker, the better. 30 00:01:08,009 --> 00:01:12,088 Well, I'm surprised that you reserved a whole table, which, 31 00:01:12,089 --> 00:01:14,838 as you obviously know, is the only way you can buy tickets. 32 00:01:14,839 --> 00:01:16,088 That was very generous. 33 00:01:16,089 --> 00:01:18,758 It was, because I am generous. 34 00:01:18,759 --> 00:01:20,961 But not crazy generous, right? 35 00:01:20,962 --> 00:01:23,878 Are you sure you're not doing this just to impress me? 36 00:01:23,879 --> 00:01:26,689 Hey, if you're impressed, that's on you, sister. 37 00:01:27,839 --> 00:01:29,968 Oscar, 38 00:01:29,969 --> 00:01:31,678 if you don't have your keys, 39 00:01:31,679 --> 00:01:34,838 how are you going to go in to get your keys? 40 00:01:34,839 --> 00:01:37,838 That's a good question. 41 00:01:37,839 --> 00:01:39,838 I hadn't thought of that. 42 00:01:39,839 --> 00:01:40,968 Well, see you tonight. 43 00:01:40,969 --> 00:01:43,968 No, I want to stay. 44 00:01:43,969 --> 00:01:47,008 Make sure you get in safely. 45 00:01:47,009 --> 00:01:48,178 I can't, uh... 46 00:01:48,179 --> 00:01:49,798 There's no way to, uh... 47 00:01:49,799 --> 00:01:51,218 You shouldn't have to... 48 00:01:51,219 --> 00:01:54,088 Oscar, just go ahead and pretend to find your keys. 49 00:01:54,089 --> 00:01:57,718 What? I'm not gonna put on a whole show just so you can... 50 00:01:57,719 --> 00:01:59,048 Hello. What's this? 51 00:01:59,049 --> 00:02:00,852 Turns out I had 'em the whole time. 52 00:02:01,099 --> 00:02:04,518 Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com. 53 00:02:04,719 --> 00:02:06,218 $2,000 for a table?! 54 00:02:06,219 --> 00:02:07,838 And you just eat at it, right? 55 00:02:07,839 --> 00:02:10,838 You don't get to take it home? 56 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:12,878 You're supporting a good cause. 57 00:02:12,879 --> 00:02:14,928 So that a bunch of rich people can... 58 00:02:14,929 --> 00:02:18,338 watch other rich people... play music? 59 00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,798 What the heck is this thing? 60 00:02:20,799 --> 00:02:24,338 Just book it. I need to show Charlotte I'm a cultured guy. 61 00:02:24,339 --> 00:02:28,008 With cultured friends to sit at the table. 62 00:02:28,009 --> 00:02:30,798 Oscar, don't make me go to this. 63 00:02:30,799 --> 00:02:32,968 Please? It's our work-iversary. 64 00:02:32,969 --> 00:02:35,758 All right. 65 00:02:35,759 --> 00:02:39,428 Using my catchy catchphrase against me. 66 00:02:39,429 --> 00:02:42,428 Well. I'm just back from the dentist. 67 00:02:42,429 --> 00:02:45,928 Guess who is the Flosser of the Month. 68 00:02:45,929 --> 00:02:47,622 Felix, thank God. I need you to teach me 69 00:02:47,623 --> 00:02:49,832 everything you know about classical music. 70 00:02:49,833 --> 00:02:52,542 Oh, my gosh, Oscar, I'm finally rubbing off on you! 71 00:02:52,543 --> 00:02:55,622 There was last month's napkin triumph, when you used one. 72 00:02:55,623 --> 00:02:58,952 But now... a genuine interest in the arts. Oh. 73 00:02:58,953 --> 00:02:59,686 Where do I begin? 74 00:02:59,687 --> 00:03:01,665 I don't know. Just give me the highlights. 75 00:03:01,666 --> 00:03:03,002 Uh, okay. 76 00:03:03,003 --> 00:03:04,872 From the dawn of time, 77 00:03:04,873 --> 00:03:06,502 when primitive caveman 78 00:03:06,503 --> 00:03:08,406 first pounded two rocks rhythmically together... 79 00:03:08,407 --> 00:03:09,242 Skip ahead! 80 00:03:09,243 --> 00:03:11,162 Charlotte's not taking me seriously, 81 00:03:11,163 --> 00:03:14,243 and I need to convince her I'm a classical music dork like you. 82 00:03:14,244 --> 00:03:16,793 Oh. 83 00:03:16,794 --> 00:03:19,833 So you're just doing this to con that poor woman. 84 00:03:19,834 --> 00:03:22,163 Oscar, lying is no way to begin a relationship. 85 00:03:22,164 --> 00:03:23,913 You're right. 86 00:03:23,914 --> 00:03:27,163 I'm ashamed. I'm gonna change my ways. 87 00:03:27,164 --> 00:03:28,624 Really? 88 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,083 No! See? I'm a great liar! 89 00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:31,833 I can totally pull this off! 90 00:03:31,834 --> 00:03:32,977 Just hit me with some facts. 91 00:03:32,978 --> 00:03:34,793 I will not be a party to this deceit. 92 00:03:34,794 --> 00:03:36,953 Fine, don't teach me. I'll teach myself. 93 00:03:36,954 --> 00:03:41,793 If I'm not mistaken, there was a movie called Beethoven. 94 00:03:41,794 --> 00:03:43,083 Here it is. 95 00:03:43,084 --> 00:03:45,014 Oh, and look, he had an adorable dog. 96 00:03:51,124 --> 00:03:52,953 How long before you realized 97 00:03:52,954 --> 00:03:54,793 that film wasn't actually about Beethoven? 98 00:03:54,794 --> 00:03:56,583 20 minutes, but by then, 99 00:03:56,584 --> 00:03:59,264 that crazy mutt had ruined the barbecue, and I was hooked. 100 00:04:01,334 --> 00:04:03,333 Teddy, Diane, thanks for coming. 101 00:04:03,334 --> 00:04:05,913 Of course! We wanted to be here to support you, buddy. 102 00:04:05,914 --> 00:04:07,697 Now, I know you said the tickets were on you, 103 00:04:07,698 --> 00:04:10,373 but, uh, how are we going to handle the parking? 104 00:04:10,374 --> 00:04:12,083 Don't listen to him, Oscar. 105 00:04:12,084 --> 00:04:13,743 We're just excited to be out the house, 106 00:04:13,744 --> 00:04:15,243 and grateful you included us. 107 00:04:15,244 --> 00:04:17,789 Mm-hmm. I'll just get a receipt from the valet, 108 00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:18,830 and we'll settle up later. 109 00:04:18,854 --> 00:04:20,082 Mm-hmm. 110 00:04:20,083 --> 00:04:20,893 Hi, Teddy. 111 00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:21,702 Hi, Dani. 112 00:04:21,703 --> 00:04:23,372 I didn't know you were gonna be here. 113 00:04:23,373 --> 00:04:26,202 Aw. Is this the famous Diane? 114 00:04:26,203 --> 00:04:27,702 I've been working with your husband for three years, 115 00:04:27,703 --> 00:04:29,872 and now I finally get to meet you. I'm Dani. 116 00:04:29,873 --> 00:04:31,202 Oh, hello. 117 00:04:31,203 --> 00:04:32,872 Teddy talks about you all the time, 118 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,832 but he never said you were so pretty. 119 00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:36,683 Aw. 120 00:04:39,163 --> 00:04:42,162 You also never said Dani was a woman. 121 00:04:42,163 --> 00:04:44,332 What? I'm sure I did. 122 00:04:45,833 --> 00:04:47,742 Greetings, Oscar. 123 00:04:47,743 --> 00:04:48,840 Please do not mistake my presence 124 00:04:48,841 --> 00:04:50,292 as an endorsement of your scheme. 125 00:04:50,293 --> 00:04:52,162 Please do not mistake my not giving a crap 126 00:04:52,163 --> 00:04:53,622 for my actually giving a crap. 127 00:04:53,623 --> 00:04:55,502 Oh, come on. 128 00:04:55,503 --> 00:04:57,792 It's fun to get all dressed up and have a date night. 129 00:04:57,793 --> 00:04:59,872 Oh, yes, and there is no one 130 00:04:59,873 --> 00:05:01,832 that I would rather spend the night with 131 00:05:01,833 --> 00:05:04,872 than Nigel Hadyn-Plout. 132 00:05:04,873 --> 00:05:06,742 Who? 133 00:05:06,743 --> 00:05:09,162 Is the featured performer tonight Nigel Hadyn-Plout? 134 00:05:09,163 --> 00:05:10,502 I had no idea. 135 00:05:10,503 --> 00:05:12,122 How do I look? Emily, how do I look? 136 00:05:12,123 --> 00:05:15,662 Disturbingly turned-on. 137 00:05:15,663 --> 00:05:17,542 Well, he's just the 21st century's 138 00:05:17,543 --> 00:05:18,742 most accomplished pianist. 139 00:05:20,543 --> 00:05:23,832 Sorry, I laugh every time I hear the word "pianist." 140 00:05:23,833 --> 00:05:26,332 I wonder where he is. I'd love to talk to him 141 00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:28,396 about his interpretation of Chopin's Concerto No. 1. 142 00:05:28,397 --> 00:05:30,912 Wouldn't you rather have a glass of champagne with me? 143 00:05:30,913 --> 00:05:32,622 Of course. Look at me. 144 00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,872 Here I am on a date with this enchanting creature, 145 00:05:34,873 --> 00:05:36,912 and I'm obsessing about some man I don't even know, 146 00:05:36,913 --> 00:05:39,016 who just walked by, and he's heading to the bathroom, 147 00:05:39,017 --> 00:05:40,287 and here I go! I'm going in! 148 00:05:42,953 --> 00:05:45,542 Emily, you will not believe what they have at the silent auction. 149 00:05:45,543 --> 00:05:47,912 Two front-row tickets to Beyoncé. 150 00:05:47,913 --> 00:05:49,832 No way! Oh, my God, I love Beyoncé. 151 00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:52,553 My gay ex-husband was her for Halloween. 152 00:05:53,623 --> 00:05:56,332 And on Wednesdays. 153 00:05:56,333 --> 00:05:59,332 Let's put our names down. 154 00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:01,742 Now, Teddy, you know how much I love my Beyoncé. 155 00:06:01,743 --> 00:06:04,002 Oh, yeah, I know, boo-boo, but, um, 156 00:06:04,003 --> 00:06:07,662 it seems like Dani has her heart set on those tickets. 157 00:06:07,663 --> 00:06:10,662 And you care about Dani more than you care about your wife? 158 00:06:10,663 --> 00:06:13,933 I'll be right back. 159 00:06:15,203 --> 00:06:16,952 Oscar, you actually showed up. 160 00:06:16,953 --> 00:06:18,372 I'm impressed. 161 00:06:18,373 --> 00:06:20,292 Are you kidding? I love the philharmonic. 162 00:06:20,293 --> 00:06:22,952 Which is an orchestra or society devoted 163 00:06:22,953 --> 00:06:24,832 to the performance of music. 164 00:06:24,833 --> 00:06:26,332 Wow. 165 00:06:26,333 --> 00:06:28,332 You really know your stuff. 166 00:06:28,333 --> 00:06:29,690 Hey, we're doing a series 167 00:06:29,691 --> 00:06:31,792 on 18th century Viennese composers. 168 00:06:31,793 --> 00:06:33,643 Who's your favorite? 169 00:06:35,453 --> 00:06:38,202 Oh, I don't like to play favorites. 170 00:06:38,203 --> 00:06:40,303 Excuse me. 171 00:06:42,543 --> 00:06:43,748 Felix, there you are. 172 00:06:43,749 --> 00:06:44,952 Oscar, don't distract me. 173 00:06:44,953 --> 00:06:46,896 I'm waiting for a man to come out of the bathroom 174 00:06:46,897 --> 00:06:48,542 so I can make my move. 175 00:06:48,543 --> 00:06:50,042 Listen, I think Charlotte's on to me. 176 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,952 I warned you that deception was not the path to take. 177 00:06:52,953 --> 00:06:55,242 Okay, so let's say I help you and you pull this off. 178 00:06:55,243 --> 00:06:56,146 Great, let's say that. 179 00:06:57,373 --> 00:06:59,002 Even if she believes the ruse, 180 00:06:59,003 --> 00:07:00,706 there's one person that you can never fool. 181 00:07:00,707 --> 00:07:02,502 Yourself. 182 00:07:02,503 --> 00:07:04,242 You will know that you are lying, 183 00:07:04,243 --> 00:07:06,106 and the guilt will eat away at your conscience. 184 00:07:06,107 --> 00:07:07,872 You mean I should just forget about the girl 185 00:07:07,873 --> 00:07:09,843 like the son in the second Beethoven movie? 186 00:07:10,703 --> 00:07:12,452 I fell down a rabbit hole. 187 00:07:12,453 --> 00:07:15,452 Might I make a radical suggestion? 188 00:07:15,453 --> 00:07:16,996 That you take a cue from the president 189 00:07:16,997 --> 00:07:18,872 for whom this great hall is named. 190 00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:20,332 And like Abe, 191 00:07:20,333 --> 00:07:21,912 be honest. At some point, 192 00:07:21,913 --> 00:07:24,502 you're going to have to reveal your true self. 193 00:07:24,503 --> 00:07:25,742 Honesty, huh? 194 00:07:25,743 --> 00:07:26,952 Interesting. 195 00:07:26,953 --> 00:07:28,502 Yeah, she might fall for that. 196 00:07:28,503 --> 00:07:30,412 It's not something that you fall for. 197 00:07:30,413 --> 00:07:32,036 I'm talking about real, genuine honesty. 198 00:07:32,037 --> 00:07:35,332 When Emily and I started dating, we found that we were closest 199 00:07:35,333 --> 00:07:37,372 when we had the courage to be our true selves. 200 00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:38,952 Aw. 201 00:07:38,953 --> 00:07:42,912 And now there is no one that I would rather spend time with 202 00:07:42,913 --> 00:07:44,582 than Nigel Hadyn-Plout. 203 00:07:44,583 --> 00:07:45,843 He's coming! 204 00:07:47,913 --> 00:07:50,803 Even on Wednesdays, my ex wasn't that gay. 205 00:07:51,913 --> 00:07:53,216 Excuse me. 206 00:07:53,217 --> 00:07:54,756 I'm Nigel Hadyn-Plout. 207 00:07:54,757 --> 00:07:57,006 Of course you are. 208 00:07:57,007 --> 00:07:58,966 Are you Oscar Madison? 209 00:07:58,967 --> 00:08:00,466 Uh, yeah. 210 00:08:00,467 --> 00:08:02,437 And I'm Relix Funger. Felix Unger. 211 00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:05,546 I'm a huge fan of your radio show. 212 00:08:05,547 --> 00:08:07,090 Would you mind if I picked your brain? 213 00:08:07,091 --> 00:08:08,596 I'm in this fantasy football league, 214 00:08:08,597 --> 00:08:11,686 and I could really use some waiver wire advice. 215 00:08:11,687 --> 00:08:12,596 Oh, uh... 216 00:08:12,597 --> 00:08:14,766 I'm a little busy tonight. 217 00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:16,266 Oh, oh, I get it. 218 00:08:16,267 --> 00:08:18,346 I hate it when fans approach me at these things. 219 00:08:18,347 --> 00:08:20,016 A bunch of music wonks 220 00:08:20,017 --> 00:08:22,040 who want to talk about my interpretation of Chopin. 221 00:08:24,557 --> 00:08:26,037 Nerds. 222 00:08:27,437 --> 00:08:29,726 Well, good luck with your league. 223 00:08:29,727 --> 00:08:31,470 I'm gonna put your honesty scam into effect. 224 00:08:31,471 --> 00:08:33,266 It's not a scam. 225 00:08:33,267 --> 00:08:34,687 Just be genuinely truthful. 226 00:08:34,688 --> 00:08:37,437 Am I the last honest man on Earth? 227 00:08:37,438 --> 00:08:39,097 Damn. 228 00:08:39,098 --> 00:08:41,687 I wanted to ask Oscar to join our fantasy league. 229 00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,346 Yo-Yo Ma dropped out, 230 00:08:43,347 --> 00:08:45,147 so Plácido and I need someone else 231 00:08:45,148 --> 00:08:47,408 who's passionate about football. 232 00:08:51,648 --> 00:08:52,727 Well, look no further. 233 00:08:52,728 --> 00:08:54,147 Here I am. 234 00:08:54,148 --> 00:08:56,248 That's why they call me Felix Football. 235 00:09:04,435 --> 00:09:06,154 So, who's your favorite team? 236 00:09:06,882 --> 00:09:08,091 New York, of course. 237 00:09:08,092 --> 00:09:09,341 Giants or Jets? 238 00:09:09,342 --> 00:09:11,261 Jets. 239 00:09:11,262 --> 00:09:14,091 Uh, because when you're a Jet, 240 00:09:14,092 --> 00:09:16,612 you're a Jet all the way. 241 00:09:18,342 --> 00:09:21,470 I have to be honest with you. 242 00:09:21,471 --> 00:09:23,590 I had no plans to come here tonight. 243 00:09:23,591 --> 00:09:26,111 I don't know anything about classical music. 244 00:09:27,261 --> 00:09:28,800 I had a feeling. 245 00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:30,760 When I asked you if you liked Vivaldi, 246 00:09:30,761 --> 00:09:33,510 you said you weren't a pasta guy. 247 00:09:33,511 --> 00:09:35,800 Which is a lie on two levels. 248 00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:37,071 I love pasta. 249 00:09:38,591 --> 00:09:40,590 I think I was just trying to impress you. 250 00:09:40,591 --> 00:09:42,550 Why can't you just tell the truth? 251 00:09:42,551 --> 00:09:44,590 I don't know, I guess I was worried you wouldn't... 252 00:09:44,591 --> 00:09:46,890 like the real me. 253 00:09:46,891 --> 00:09:50,590 Well, why don't you give me a chance to get to know him? 254 00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:53,180 Because this conversation we're having right now... 255 00:09:53,181 --> 00:09:56,140 the one where you're actually being you... 256 00:09:56,141 --> 00:09:57,800 it's not bad. 257 00:09:57,801 --> 00:10:00,010 Okay, honesty it is. 258 00:10:00,011 --> 00:10:01,680 Sorry. 259 00:10:01,681 --> 00:10:02,640 Duty calls. 260 00:10:02,641 --> 00:10:04,590 No problem. 261 00:10:04,591 --> 00:10:05,970 Felix, you're a genius. 262 00:10:05,971 --> 00:10:07,890 Your honesty plan is officially working. 263 00:10:07,891 --> 00:10:10,114 Oh, great, great, great, personal growth, very exciting. 264 00:10:10,115 --> 00:10:10,970 Quick question. 265 00:10:10,971 --> 00:10:12,794 Under what circumstances would a football team 266 00:10:12,795 --> 00:10:14,145 go for a two-point conversion? 267 00:10:15,591 --> 00:10:17,970 I'm sorry, did a coconut just land on your head? 268 00:10:17,971 --> 00:10:19,720 There is an opening 269 00:10:19,721 --> 00:10:22,090 in Nigel's fantasy league, The Quarter-Bachs. 270 00:10:22,091 --> 00:10:24,680 Oh, and you need to pretend you know everything about football. 271 00:10:24,681 --> 00:10:25,890 What happened to honesty? 272 00:10:25,891 --> 00:10:27,890 Who cares?! I am on the precipice 273 00:10:27,891 --> 00:10:29,550 of being in a fantasy football league 274 00:10:29,551 --> 00:10:31,760 with Plácido Domingo, who just happens to be the tenor 275 00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,220 on my fantasy opera team, 276 00:10:33,221 --> 00:10:36,010 which, yes, is a thing that I do. 277 00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:38,350 Fine, I'd be happy to teach you. 278 00:10:38,351 --> 00:10:40,010 Since the dawn of time... 279 00:10:40,011 --> 00:10:41,191 Skip ahead! 280 00:10:42,891 --> 00:10:44,760 What the hell? 281 00:10:44,761 --> 00:10:47,720 Teddy, why are you bidding on my Beyoncé tickets? 282 00:10:47,721 --> 00:10:49,064 Diane really wants those tickets. 283 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:51,011 - And she's already kind of miffed. - Why? 284 00:10:51,012 --> 00:10:52,972 Well, you know, she's feeling a little threatened, 285 00:10:52,973 --> 00:10:55,036 knowing I'm working with a single, attractive woman. 286 00:10:55,037 --> 00:10:56,743 What? That's ridiculous. 287 00:10:56,744 --> 00:10:58,890 Well, not the "attractive" part, I'll give her that. 288 00:10:58,891 --> 00:10:59,576 Yeah. 289 00:10:59,577 --> 00:11:01,675 You know what, I don't want to cause any problems. 290 00:11:01,676 --> 00:11:02,875 So you just take the tickets. 291 00:11:02,876 --> 00:11:04,795 Oh, thank you, Dani. 292 00:11:04,796 --> 00:11:05,965 Hey, baby. 293 00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:07,585 Dani said that we can have those tickets. 294 00:11:07,586 --> 00:11:09,795 Isn't that nice of you? 295 00:11:09,796 --> 00:11:11,045 And this way, you won't have 296 00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:12,505 to hunt down a man to bring. 297 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,135 Oh, no. 298 00:11:14,136 --> 00:11:17,505 Look, they're putting out those mini-quiches you like so much. 299 00:11:17,506 --> 00:11:18,816 Oh, it's on. 300 00:11:21,046 --> 00:11:23,795 Excuse me, but I paid $2,000 301 00:11:23,796 --> 00:11:25,856 to spend the evening with this woman. 302 00:11:27,796 --> 00:11:29,896 It's not like that. 303 00:11:30,796 --> 00:11:31,875 May I have this dance? 304 00:11:35,086 --> 00:11:37,005 In the spirit of honesty, I should tell you 305 00:11:37,006 --> 00:11:39,135 I'm a terrible dancer. 306 00:11:39,136 --> 00:11:40,835 Since you're being honest with me, 307 00:11:40,836 --> 00:11:42,795 I guess I should be honest with you. 308 00:11:42,796 --> 00:11:45,646 I like you, Oscar. 309 00:11:46,466 --> 00:11:47,816 Go on. 310 00:11:49,046 --> 00:11:50,675 I've had my guard up, 311 00:11:50,676 --> 00:11:52,795 because my life has been complicated lately. 312 00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,045 Uh, I just went through a painful divorce. 313 00:11:55,046 --> 00:11:56,875 And also, as you know, 314 00:11:56,876 --> 00:11:58,545 I have a son. 315 00:11:58,546 --> 00:12:00,545 So if I were to get involved with someone, 316 00:12:00,546 --> 00:12:02,545 it couldn't just be some fling. 317 00:12:02,546 --> 00:12:05,736 It would have to have potential to be something real. 318 00:12:06,756 --> 00:12:07,835 Too far? 319 00:12:07,836 --> 00:12:09,045 Did I scare you off? 320 00:12:09,046 --> 00:12:10,715 No, no. 321 00:12:10,716 --> 00:12:12,585 I mean, in the past, I'd be gone so quickly 322 00:12:12,586 --> 00:12:14,635 there'd be a me-shaped hole in that wall. 323 00:12:14,636 --> 00:12:17,085 But I've grown up a lot lately. 324 00:12:17,086 --> 00:12:18,675 At least, that's what my 325 00:12:18,676 --> 00:12:19,906 mid-40s male roommate says. 326 00:12:21,136 --> 00:12:23,505 And I'm definitely looking for something real, too. 327 00:12:23,506 --> 00:12:25,925 Go on. 328 00:12:25,926 --> 00:12:27,925 Wow, it feels good to be this truthful. 329 00:12:27,926 --> 00:12:29,465 And I'm great with kids, by the way. 330 00:12:29,466 --> 00:12:30,755 My sister has one. 331 00:12:30,756 --> 00:12:32,925 I called it on its birthday. 332 00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:35,635 Oh, I bet it appreciated that. 333 00:12:35,636 --> 00:12:36,676 And I'm definitely looking 334 00:12:36,677 --> 00:12:38,021 to be serious with someone again. 335 00:12:38,022 --> 00:12:38,795 Okay. 336 00:12:38,796 --> 00:12:40,215 Just needs to be the right person, 337 00:12:40,216 --> 00:12:41,675 don't you think? 338 00:12:41,676 --> 00:12:43,779 I mean, I could see myself marrying someone like you. 339 00:12:43,780 --> 00:12:45,760 Could you see yourself marrying someone like me? 340 00:12:47,796 --> 00:12:49,675 Did I just kind of propose to you? 341 00:12:49,676 --> 00:12:52,385 You kind of, sort of did. 342 00:12:52,386 --> 00:12:54,505 And you want to run away now. 343 00:12:54,506 --> 00:12:57,606 I kind of definitely do. 344 00:12:58,506 --> 00:13:00,816 And I got a spray tan for this? 345 00:13:09,194 --> 00:13:10,742 So, the Steelers won't win 346 00:13:10,743 --> 00:13:12,192 until they can control 347 00:13:12,193 --> 00:13:13,362 the line of scrimmage. 348 00:13:13,363 --> 00:13:14,652 Ah, yes. 349 00:13:14,653 --> 00:13:16,282 The line of scrimmage. 350 00:13:16,283 --> 00:13:18,192 The imaginary line 351 00:13:18,193 --> 00:13:20,862 the team cannot cross until play has begun. 352 00:13:20,863 --> 00:13:22,742 Excuse me. 353 00:13:22,743 --> 00:13:24,532 Your plan blew up in my face! 354 00:13:24,533 --> 00:13:25,692 I wasn't ready for honesty. 355 00:13:25,693 --> 00:13:28,192 It was like giving car keys to a baby! 356 00:13:28,193 --> 00:13:30,112 So, listen, a lineman cannot catch a pass 357 00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:31,776 unless he first declares himself eligible? 358 00:13:31,777 --> 00:13:33,282 Damn it, Felix! 359 00:13:33,283 --> 00:13:34,723 I'm trying to talk about my feelings 360 00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:37,557 and all you care about is sports, sports, sports! 361 00:13:38,536 --> 00:13:40,115 I'm sorry, you're right. 362 00:13:40,116 --> 00:13:41,285 Hang in there, buddy. 363 00:13:41,286 --> 00:13:42,945 The game's not over 364 00:13:42,946 --> 00:13:45,075 until you've played the full... 60 minutes? 365 00:13:45,076 --> 00:13:46,115 Yes. 366 00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:47,256 Huzzah! 367 00:13:48,156 --> 00:13:50,205 Damn it. 368 00:13:50,206 --> 00:13:51,905 Everything okay? 369 00:13:51,906 --> 00:13:54,285 My regular page-turner can't make it tonight. 370 00:13:54,286 --> 00:13:56,615 He got a nasty paper cut reading a novel. 371 00:13:56,616 --> 00:13:59,115 Why is he taking those kinds of chances? 372 00:13:59,116 --> 00:14:00,161 Get a Nook, man! 373 00:14:01,206 --> 00:14:03,325 Now I have to find someone who can sight-read music 374 00:14:03,326 --> 00:14:05,596 and is intimately familiar with my style. 375 00:14:07,076 --> 00:14:08,325 I could do it. 376 00:14:08,326 --> 00:14:10,075 You? 377 00:14:10,076 --> 00:14:13,325 Nigel, I know I seem like a football-loving badass, 378 00:14:13,326 --> 00:14:15,205 but I actually love classical music. 379 00:14:15,206 --> 00:14:16,535 I don't mean to toot my own horn, 380 00:14:16,536 --> 00:14:19,365 but if you need me to, I can toot my own horn. 381 00:14:19,366 --> 00:14:21,205 I'll see you onstage. 382 00:14:21,206 --> 00:14:23,285 And, um... 383 00:14:23,286 --> 00:14:25,285 if you want to join another fantasy league, 384 00:14:25,286 --> 00:14:27,285 we'd love to have you. 385 00:14:27,286 --> 00:14:29,216 I'll check my schedule. 386 00:14:34,946 --> 00:14:36,905 What the hell? 387 00:14:36,906 --> 00:14:38,245 Oh, no, no, no, no. 388 00:14:38,246 --> 00:14:41,035 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 389 00:14:41,036 --> 00:14:42,655 Teddy, what are you doing? 390 00:14:42,656 --> 00:14:44,365 I'm outbidding your sneaky asses. 391 00:14:46,206 --> 00:14:48,205 You said that Diane could have those tickets. 392 00:14:48,206 --> 00:14:50,538 - That was before she dissed me. - She is right. 393 00:14:50,539 --> 00:14:52,405 Those tickets are ours! 394 00:14:52,406 --> 00:14:55,115 Whoa, how much? 395 00:14:55,116 --> 00:14:57,205 Dani, I am a waitress. 396 00:14:57,206 --> 00:14:59,365 And not a good one. 397 00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:00,575 I'm out. 398 00:15:00,576 --> 00:15:02,535 Teddy, outbid her. 399 00:15:02,536 --> 00:15:04,366 - She's taking our tickets! - Give me that pen. 400 00:15:04,367 --> 00:15:05,535 Oh, no, you better get your hand off this pen. 401 00:15:05,536 --> 00:15:07,035 You better give it to me. You better give me my pen. 402 00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:09,739 Thank you for bidding. This concludes the silent auction. 403 00:15:09,740 --> 00:15:11,365 Damn it, Dani! 404 00:15:11,366 --> 00:15:13,506 If you liked it, then you should've put a bid on it. 405 00:15:17,446 --> 00:15:18,705 I'm sorry, pumpkin. 406 00:15:18,706 --> 00:15:20,325 Don't you "pumpkin" me. 407 00:15:20,326 --> 00:15:22,075 You could have gotten me those tickets. 408 00:15:22,076 --> 00:15:24,495 But I guess your work wife was more important. 409 00:15:24,496 --> 00:15:26,445 Oh, stop being so jealous! 410 00:15:26,446 --> 00:15:27,705 That's why I didn't tell you Dani was a woman. 411 00:15:27,706 --> 00:15:29,655 Wait a minute. You never told her I was a woman? 412 00:15:29,656 --> 00:15:31,575 What? I thought I did. 413 00:15:31,576 --> 00:15:33,445 No wonder she's throwing me shade. 414 00:15:33,446 --> 00:15:34,400 This is your wife. 415 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,001 You can't keep stuff like that from her. 416 00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:37,962 - Dani, stay out of this. - Don't you snap at her. 417 00:15:37,986 --> 00:15:39,004 Thank you, Diane. 418 00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:40,504 Wait a minute now. 419 00:15:40,505 --> 00:15:41,744 You know what, Diane? 420 00:15:41,745 --> 00:15:42,905 Since Emily backed out on me, 421 00:15:42,906 --> 00:15:44,626 would you like to go to the concert with me? 422 00:15:44,650 --> 00:15:46,080 Girl, I'd love to. 423 00:15:46,081 --> 00:15:47,865 Teddy will pay for the tickets. 424 00:15:47,866 --> 00:15:50,146 - Huh! - Oh... 425 00:15:50,147 --> 00:15:52,146 And watch the kids. 426 00:15:52,147 --> 00:15:54,145 Oh... 427 00:15:54,146 --> 00:15:55,975 Aw, Lord have mercy. 428 00:15:55,976 --> 00:15:59,355 These seats better be on Beyoncé's lap. 429 00:15:59,356 --> 00:16:01,265 Emily, great news. 430 00:16:01,266 --> 00:16:03,061 Nigel Hadyn-Plout has enlisted me 431 00:16:03,062 --> 00:16:04,761 to be his substitute page-turner. 432 00:16:04,762 --> 00:16:07,311 That's great. How did that happen? 433 00:16:07,312 --> 00:16:11,601 Hmm? Oh, I won him over with my sparkling personality. 434 00:16:11,602 --> 00:16:13,721 And a slightly fabricated knowledge 435 00:16:13,722 --> 00:16:15,761 of American football. 436 00:16:15,762 --> 00:16:17,101 Wait, you lied? 437 00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:18,681 Weren't you just telling Oscar 438 00:16:18,682 --> 00:16:20,761 that the guilt from lying would eat away at him? 439 00:16:20,762 --> 00:16:22,021 Oh, you know me. 440 00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:23,681 Always spouting on about something. 441 00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:26,431 Blah, blah, germs, blah, blah, cell phone etiquette. 442 00:16:26,432 --> 00:16:27,721 I can't believe it. 443 00:16:27,722 --> 00:16:29,561 You're the most ethical person I know. 444 00:16:29,562 --> 00:16:30,851 You almost had a heart attack 445 00:16:30,852 --> 00:16:32,955 going through the "ten items or less" lane yesterday. 446 00:16:32,956 --> 00:16:34,061 I had two six-packs. 447 00:16:34,062 --> 00:16:35,811 You do the math. 448 00:16:35,812 --> 00:16:37,394 All I'm saying is, 449 00:16:37,395 --> 00:16:39,474 you are not cut out to be dishonest. 450 00:16:39,475 --> 00:16:40,778 Ladies and gentlemen, 451 00:16:40,779 --> 00:16:42,054 please take your seats 452 00:16:42,055 --> 00:16:43,344 for our performance. 453 00:16:43,345 --> 00:16:44,394 Now, if you'll excuse me, 454 00:16:44,395 --> 00:16:46,014 I have to assist a pianist. 455 00:16:50,345 --> 00:16:51,684 Ladies and gentlemen, 456 00:16:51,685 --> 00:16:54,264 please welcome Mr. Nigel Hadyn-Plout. 457 00:17:07,555 --> 00:17:10,405 Can someone please get this lyre off the stage? 458 00:17:11,395 --> 00:17:13,474 Oh, the harp. 459 00:17:13,475 --> 00:17:15,514 A lyre is also a harp. 460 00:17:15,515 --> 00:17:18,304 Tonight I will be performing 461 00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:21,054 a late Renaissance sonata 462 00:17:21,055 --> 00:17:24,434 entitled "La Punizione Del Seduttore." 463 00:17:24,435 --> 00:17:26,184 Which, loosely translated, means: 464 00:17:26,185 --> 00:17:29,474 "The Punishment of the Deceiver." 465 00:17:29,475 --> 00:17:31,104 Felix Unger... 466 00:17:31,105 --> 00:17:33,205 will be assisting me. 467 00:17:53,515 --> 00:17:55,445 Felix. 468 00:17:57,185 --> 00:17:59,394 Felix! 469 00:18:17,515 --> 00:18:19,604 Sorry... sorry. 470 00:18:19,605 --> 00:18:21,477 Oh, I'm sorry. 471 00:18:21,478 --> 00:18:22,350 Ow! 472 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:23,224 Aah! 473 00:18:23,225 --> 00:18:25,474 I'm sorry! I shouldn't be up here onstage! 474 00:18:25,475 --> 00:18:27,224 I know nothing about football! 475 00:18:27,225 --> 00:18:28,745 I'm a fraud and a liar! 476 00:18:31,305 --> 00:18:32,394 Hi there. 477 00:18:32,395 --> 00:18:33,644 Can I talk to you for a second? 478 00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:35,264 Oscar, it's a busy night. 479 00:18:35,265 --> 00:18:36,608 Can we pick this up another time? 480 00:18:36,609 --> 00:18:38,434 No, I have to ask you this now 481 00:18:38,435 --> 00:18:40,514 or I'll regret it for the rest of my life. 482 00:18:41,516 --> 00:18:42,514 Charlotte... 483 00:18:42,515 --> 00:18:46,344 will you please not marry me? 484 00:18:46,345 --> 00:18:48,514 Wait, what? 485 00:18:48,515 --> 00:18:50,184 I got way ahead of myself. 486 00:18:50,185 --> 00:18:52,344 We haven't even been on a real date yet. 487 00:18:52,345 --> 00:18:55,184 And the whole point of dating is to find out all the awful things 488 00:18:55,185 --> 00:18:57,344 about a person so you can stop dating them. 489 00:18:57,345 --> 00:19:01,144 And that's what I want with you, Charlotte. 490 00:19:01,145 --> 00:19:03,865 I want to find out all the awful things about you. 491 00:19:05,515 --> 00:19:06,684 And I want you to know 492 00:19:06,685 --> 00:19:08,344 all the crappy things about me, too. 493 00:19:08,345 --> 00:19:10,394 Oh, God, there's more? 494 00:19:10,395 --> 00:19:12,514 Tons more. 495 00:19:12,515 --> 00:19:14,514 Look, if we want this relationship to fail, 496 00:19:14,515 --> 00:19:16,135 we're really gonna have to work at it. 497 00:19:17,685 --> 00:19:18,804 So what do you say? 498 00:19:18,805 --> 00:19:20,144 You want to grab a cup of coffee? 499 00:19:20,145 --> 00:19:21,785 I do. 500 00:19:24,515 --> 00:19:27,394 I call my mother four times a day. 501 00:19:27,395 --> 00:19:29,418 I've never left a penny, but I always take a penny, 502 00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:31,434 even if I don't need one. 503 00:19:31,435 --> 00:19:34,514 I steal Wi-Fi from the nursing home across the street. 504 00:19:34,515 --> 00:19:37,554 I lost my last baby tooth when I was 26. 505 00:19:37,555 --> 00:19:38,495 That's weird. 506 00:19:38,496 --> 00:19:39,434 Yeah? 507 00:19:39,435 --> 00:19:41,658 Well, why don't you call your mom and tell her about it? 508 00:19:43,435 --> 00:19:45,554 Wait. Before you go, 509 00:19:45,555 --> 00:19:48,224 I owe both of you an apology. 510 00:19:48,225 --> 00:19:49,626 Oscar, I'm sorry, I should've taken 511 00:19:49,627 --> 00:19:51,130 my own advice and been more truthful. 512 00:19:51,131 --> 00:19:52,554 And, Charlotte, I'm sorry 513 00:19:52,555 --> 00:19:54,338 for nearly wrecking things with your pianist. 514 00:19:56,145 --> 00:19:57,394 I'm sorry. 515 00:19:57,395 --> 00:19:58,394 I know it's immature, 516 00:19:58,395 --> 00:20:01,325 but I always giggle when someone says "pianist." 517 00:20:03,515 --> 00:20:05,535 I think you're going to have to marry that woman. 518 00:20:20,330 --> 00:20:21,578 Hey. 519 00:20:21,579 --> 00:20:22,962 How was coffee with Charlotte? 520 00:20:22,963 --> 00:20:25,712 Amazing. Turns out she's a big football fan, too. 521 00:20:25,713 --> 00:20:29,082 And we both laugh every time we hear the name "Dick Butkus." 522 00:20:29,083 --> 00:20:31,252 A match made in heaven. 523 00:20:31,253 --> 00:20:33,212 Or kindergarten. 524 00:20:33,213 --> 00:20:35,353 Well, I'll see you in the morning. 525 00:20:43,963 --> 00:20:45,922 Are you watching Beethoven? 526 00:20:45,923 --> 00:20:47,752 I-I was just, uh... 527 00:20:47,753 --> 00:20:49,172 checking it out. 528 00:20:49,173 --> 00:20:51,273 Honestly, I don't know why you find it so engaging. 529 00:20:52,923 --> 00:20:54,332 Wait, is that a camping trip? 530 00:20:54,333 --> 00:20:56,212 Is this Beethoven 3? 531 00:20:56,213 --> 00:21:00,252 It's called Beethoven's 3rd. 532 00:21:00,253 --> 00:21:03,082 I went down a rabbit hole. 533 00:21:04,133 --> 00:21:06,213 Oh... Beethoven. 534 00:21:06,426 --> 00:21:13,632 Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com. 37829

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