All language subtitles for The Odd Couple S02E05 Oscars Overture
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1
00:00:04,179 --> 00:00:05,928
Thank you for taking me to lunch, Oscar.
2
00:00:05,929 --> 00:00:07,178
I'm so looking forward to it.
3
00:00:07,179 --> 00:00:08,638
Well, it's a big day.
4
00:00:08,639 --> 00:00:10,718
The third anniversary
of us working together.
5
00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:12,928
Ah, our work-iversary.
6
00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:15,008
Yeah, keep saying it.
It's still not catching on.
7
00:00:15,009 --> 00:00:16,758
Oh.
8
00:00:16,759 --> 00:00:19,063
Listen, the last few years
have been kind of rough for me,
9
00:00:19,064 --> 00:00:21,468
and I wanted to thank you
for always being there.
10
00:00:22,675 --> 00:00:23,878
Oh.
11
00:00:23,879 --> 00:00:25,798
Well, this was fun. Off you go!
12
00:00:25,799 --> 00:00:27,878
Oscar.
13
00:00:27,879 --> 00:00:30,638
Charlotte. You going up?
'Cause I'm going up, too.
14
00:00:30,639 --> 00:00:32,931
- Weren't you just getting off?
- No.
15
00:00:32,932 --> 00:00:34,859
I forgot my keys upstairs.
16
00:00:38,589 --> 00:00:39,838
Since I have you here...
17
00:00:39,839 --> 00:00:42,548
In an enclosed box with nowhere to go?
18
00:00:42,549 --> 00:00:44,838
Romantic, right?
19
00:00:44,839 --> 00:00:47,138
Oscar, how many times are
you going to ask me out?
20
00:00:47,139 --> 00:00:48,758
Whatever the current number is, plus
21
00:00:48,759 --> 00:00:50,638
"Will you join me for a drink tonight?"
22
00:00:50,639 --> 00:00:52,891
Sorry, I'm busy.
23
00:00:52,892 --> 00:00:55,371
I'm chairing a fund-raiser
for the New York Philharmonic.
24
00:00:55,372 --> 00:00:56,232
Are you kidding?!
25
00:00:56,233 --> 00:00:58,553
That's exactly where I was
going to take you for the drink.
26
00:00:58,577 --> 00:01:00,928
As I am also attending, as well.
27
00:01:00,929 --> 00:01:03,798
Really? I did not have you pegged
28
00:01:03,799 --> 00:01:05,338
for a classical music guy.
29
00:01:05,339 --> 00:01:08,008
Oh, yeah, love the stuff.
The classicker, the better.
30
00:01:08,009 --> 00:01:12,088
Well, I'm surprised that you
reserved a whole table, which,
31
00:01:12,089 --> 00:01:14,838
as you obviously know, is the
only way you can buy tickets.
32
00:01:14,839 --> 00:01:16,088
That was very generous.
33
00:01:16,089 --> 00:01:18,758
It was, because I am generous.
34
00:01:18,759 --> 00:01:20,961
But not crazy generous, right?
35
00:01:20,962 --> 00:01:23,878
Are you sure you're not
doing this just to impress me?
36
00:01:23,879 --> 00:01:26,689
Hey, if you're impressed,
that's on you, sister.
37
00:01:27,839 --> 00:01:29,968
Oscar,
38
00:01:29,969 --> 00:01:31,678
if you don't have your keys,
39
00:01:31,679 --> 00:01:34,838
how are you going to
go in to get your keys?
40
00:01:34,839 --> 00:01:37,838
That's a good question.
41
00:01:37,839 --> 00:01:39,838
I hadn't thought of that.
42
00:01:39,839 --> 00:01:40,968
Well, see you tonight.
43
00:01:40,969 --> 00:01:43,968
No, I want to stay.
44
00:01:43,969 --> 00:01:47,008
Make sure you get in safely.
45
00:01:47,009 --> 00:01:48,178
I can't, uh...
46
00:01:48,179 --> 00:01:49,798
There's no way to, uh...
47
00:01:49,799 --> 00:01:51,218
You shouldn't have to...
48
00:01:51,219 --> 00:01:54,088
Oscar, just go ahead and
pretend to find your keys.
49
00:01:54,089 --> 00:01:57,718
What? I'm not gonna put on a
whole show just so you can...
50
00:01:57,719 --> 00:01:59,048
Hello. What's this?
51
00:01:59,049 --> 00:02:00,852
Turns out I had 'em the whole time.
52
00:02:01,099 --> 00:02:04,518
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for
www.addic7ed.com.
53
00:02:04,719 --> 00:02:06,218
$2,000 for a table?!
54
00:02:06,219 --> 00:02:07,838
And you just eat at it, right?
55
00:02:07,839 --> 00:02:10,838
You don't get to take it home?
56
00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:12,878
You're supporting a good cause.
57
00:02:12,879 --> 00:02:14,928
So that a bunch of rich people can...
58
00:02:14,929 --> 00:02:18,338
watch other rich people... play music?
59
00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,798
What the heck is this thing?
60
00:02:20,799 --> 00:02:24,338
Just book it. I need to show
Charlotte I'm a cultured guy.
61
00:02:24,339 --> 00:02:28,008
With cultured friends
to sit at the table.
62
00:02:28,009 --> 00:02:30,798
Oscar, don't make me go to this.
63
00:02:30,799 --> 00:02:32,968
Please? It's our work-iversary.
64
00:02:32,969 --> 00:02:35,758
All right.
65
00:02:35,759 --> 00:02:39,428
Using my catchy catchphrase against me.
66
00:02:39,429 --> 00:02:42,428
Well. I'm just back from the dentist.
67
00:02:42,429 --> 00:02:45,928
Guess who is the Flosser of the Month.
68
00:02:45,929 --> 00:02:47,622
Felix, thank God. I need you to teach me
69
00:02:47,623 --> 00:02:49,832
everything you know
about classical music.
70
00:02:49,833 --> 00:02:52,542
Oh, my gosh, Oscar, I'm
finally rubbing off on you!
71
00:02:52,543 --> 00:02:55,622
There was last month's napkin
triumph, when you used one.
72
00:02:55,623 --> 00:02:58,952
But now... a genuine
interest in the arts. Oh.
73
00:02:58,953 --> 00:02:59,686
Where do I begin?
74
00:02:59,687 --> 00:03:01,665
I don't know. Just
give me the highlights.
75
00:03:01,666 --> 00:03:03,002
Uh, okay.
76
00:03:03,003 --> 00:03:04,872
From the dawn of time,
77
00:03:04,873 --> 00:03:06,502
when primitive caveman
78
00:03:06,503 --> 00:03:08,406
first pounded two rocks
rhythmically together...
79
00:03:08,407 --> 00:03:09,242
Skip ahead!
80
00:03:09,243 --> 00:03:11,162
Charlotte's not taking me seriously,
81
00:03:11,163 --> 00:03:14,243
and I need to convince her I'm
a classical music dork like you.
82
00:03:14,244 --> 00:03:16,793
Oh.
83
00:03:16,794 --> 00:03:19,833
So you're just doing this
to con that poor woman.
84
00:03:19,834 --> 00:03:22,163
Oscar, lying is no way
to begin a relationship.
85
00:03:22,164 --> 00:03:23,913
You're right.
86
00:03:23,914 --> 00:03:27,163
I'm ashamed. I'm gonna change my ways.
87
00:03:27,164 --> 00:03:28,624
Really?
88
00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,083
No! See? I'm a great liar!
89
00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:31,833
I can totally pull this off!
90
00:03:31,834 --> 00:03:32,977
Just hit me with some facts.
91
00:03:32,978 --> 00:03:34,793
I will not be a party to this deceit.
92
00:03:34,794 --> 00:03:36,953
Fine, don't teach me. I'll teach myself.
93
00:03:36,954 --> 00:03:41,793
If I'm not mistaken, there
was a movie called Beethoven.
94
00:03:41,794 --> 00:03:43,083
Here it is.
95
00:03:43,084 --> 00:03:45,014
Oh, and look, he had an adorable dog.
96
00:03:51,124 --> 00:03:52,953
How long before you realized
97
00:03:52,954 --> 00:03:54,793
that film wasn't
actually about Beethoven?
98
00:03:54,794 --> 00:03:56,583
20 minutes, but by then,
99
00:03:56,584 --> 00:03:59,264
that crazy mutt had ruined
the barbecue, and I was hooked.
100
00:04:01,334 --> 00:04:03,333
Teddy, Diane, thanks for coming.
101
00:04:03,334 --> 00:04:05,913
Of course! We wanted to be
here to support you, buddy.
102
00:04:05,914 --> 00:04:07,697
Now, I know you said
the tickets were on you,
103
00:04:07,698 --> 00:04:10,373
but, uh, how are we going
to handle the parking?
104
00:04:10,374 --> 00:04:12,083
Don't listen to him, Oscar.
105
00:04:12,084 --> 00:04:13,743
We're just excited to be out the house,
106
00:04:13,744 --> 00:04:15,243
and grateful you included us.
107
00:04:15,244 --> 00:04:17,789
Mm-hmm. I'll just get a
receipt from the valet,
108
00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:18,830
and we'll settle up later.
109
00:04:18,854 --> 00:04:20,082
Mm-hmm.
110
00:04:20,083 --> 00:04:20,893
Hi, Teddy.
111
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:21,702
Hi, Dani.
112
00:04:21,703 --> 00:04:23,372
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
113
00:04:23,373 --> 00:04:26,202
Aw. Is this the famous Diane?
114
00:04:26,203 --> 00:04:27,702
I've been working with your
husband for three years,
115
00:04:27,703 --> 00:04:29,872
and now I finally get
to meet you. I'm Dani.
116
00:04:29,873 --> 00:04:31,202
Oh, hello.
117
00:04:31,203 --> 00:04:32,872
Teddy talks about you all the time,
118
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,832
but he never said you were so pretty.
119
00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:36,683
Aw.
120
00:04:39,163 --> 00:04:42,162
You also never said Dani was a woman.
121
00:04:42,163 --> 00:04:44,332
What? I'm sure I did.
122
00:04:45,833 --> 00:04:47,742
Greetings, Oscar.
123
00:04:47,743 --> 00:04:48,840
Please do not mistake my presence
124
00:04:48,841 --> 00:04:50,292
as an endorsement of your scheme.
125
00:04:50,293 --> 00:04:52,162
Please do not mistake
my not giving a crap
126
00:04:52,163 --> 00:04:53,622
for my actually giving a crap.
127
00:04:53,623 --> 00:04:55,502
Oh, come on.
128
00:04:55,503 --> 00:04:57,792
It's fun to get all dressed
up and have a date night.
129
00:04:57,793 --> 00:04:59,872
Oh, yes, and there is no one
130
00:04:59,873 --> 00:05:01,832
that I would rather spend the night with
131
00:05:01,833 --> 00:05:04,872
than Nigel Hadyn-Plout.
132
00:05:04,873 --> 00:05:06,742
Who?
133
00:05:06,743 --> 00:05:09,162
Is the featured performer
tonight Nigel Hadyn-Plout?
134
00:05:09,163 --> 00:05:10,502
I had no idea.
135
00:05:10,503 --> 00:05:12,122
How do I look? Emily, how do I look?
136
00:05:12,123 --> 00:05:15,662
Disturbingly turned-on.
137
00:05:15,663 --> 00:05:17,542
Well, he's just the 21st century's
138
00:05:17,543 --> 00:05:18,742
most accomplished pianist.
139
00:05:20,543 --> 00:05:23,832
Sorry, I laugh every time
I hear the word "pianist."
140
00:05:23,833 --> 00:05:26,332
I wonder where he is.
I'd love to talk to him
141
00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:28,396
about his interpretation
of Chopin's Concerto No. 1.
142
00:05:28,397 --> 00:05:30,912
Wouldn't you rather have a
glass of champagne with me?
143
00:05:30,913 --> 00:05:32,622
Of course. Look at me.
144
00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,872
Here I am on a date with
this enchanting creature,
145
00:05:34,873 --> 00:05:36,912
and I'm obsessing about
some man I don't even know,
146
00:05:36,913 --> 00:05:39,016
who just walked by, and
he's heading to the bathroom,
147
00:05:39,017 --> 00:05:40,287
and here I go! I'm going in!
148
00:05:42,953 --> 00:05:45,542
Emily, you will not believe what
they have at the silent auction.
149
00:05:45,543 --> 00:05:47,912
Two front-row tickets to Beyoncé.
150
00:05:47,913 --> 00:05:49,832
No way! Oh, my God, I love Beyoncé.
151
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:52,553
My gay ex-husband
was her for Halloween.
152
00:05:53,623 --> 00:05:56,332
And on Wednesdays.
153
00:05:56,333 --> 00:05:59,332
Let's put our names down.
154
00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:01,742
Now, Teddy, you know how
much I love my Beyoncé.
155
00:06:01,743 --> 00:06:04,002
Oh, yeah, I know, boo-boo, but, um,
156
00:06:04,003 --> 00:06:07,662
it seems like Dani has her
heart set on those tickets.
157
00:06:07,663 --> 00:06:10,662
And you care about Dani more
than you care about your wife?
158
00:06:10,663 --> 00:06:13,933
I'll be right back.
159
00:06:15,203 --> 00:06:16,952
Oscar, you actually showed up.
160
00:06:16,953 --> 00:06:18,372
I'm impressed.
161
00:06:18,373 --> 00:06:20,292
Are you kidding? I
love the philharmonic.
162
00:06:20,293 --> 00:06:22,952
Which is an orchestra or society devoted
163
00:06:22,953 --> 00:06:24,832
to the performance of music.
164
00:06:24,833 --> 00:06:26,332
Wow.
165
00:06:26,333 --> 00:06:28,332
You really know your stuff.
166
00:06:28,333 --> 00:06:29,690
Hey, we're doing a series
167
00:06:29,691 --> 00:06:31,792
on 18th century Viennese composers.
168
00:06:31,793 --> 00:06:33,643
Who's your favorite?
169
00:06:35,453 --> 00:06:38,202
Oh, I don't like to play favorites.
170
00:06:38,203 --> 00:06:40,303
Excuse me.
171
00:06:42,543 --> 00:06:43,748
Felix, there you are.
172
00:06:43,749 --> 00:06:44,952
Oscar, don't distract me.
173
00:06:44,953 --> 00:06:46,896
I'm waiting for a man to
come out of the bathroom
174
00:06:46,897 --> 00:06:48,542
so I can make my move.
175
00:06:48,543 --> 00:06:50,042
Listen, I think Charlotte's on to me.
176
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,952
I warned you that deception
was not the path to take.
177
00:06:52,953 --> 00:06:55,242
Okay, so let's say I help
you and you pull this off.
178
00:06:55,243 --> 00:06:56,146
Great, let's say that.
179
00:06:57,373 --> 00:06:59,002
Even if she believes the ruse,
180
00:06:59,003 --> 00:07:00,706
there's one person
that you can never fool.
181
00:07:00,707 --> 00:07:02,502
Yourself.
182
00:07:02,503 --> 00:07:04,242
You will know that you are lying,
183
00:07:04,243 --> 00:07:06,106
and the guilt will eat
away at your conscience.
184
00:07:06,107 --> 00:07:07,872
You mean I should just
forget about the girl
185
00:07:07,873 --> 00:07:09,843
like the son in the
second Beethoven movie?
186
00:07:10,703 --> 00:07:12,452
I fell down a rabbit hole.
187
00:07:12,453 --> 00:07:15,452
Might I make a radical suggestion?
188
00:07:15,453 --> 00:07:16,996
That you take a cue from the president
189
00:07:16,997 --> 00:07:18,872
for whom this great hall is named.
190
00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:20,332
And like Abe,
191
00:07:20,333 --> 00:07:21,912
be honest. At some point,
192
00:07:21,913 --> 00:07:24,502
you're going to have to
reveal your true self.
193
00:07:24,503 --> 00:07:25,742
Honesty, huh?
194
00:07:25,743 --> 00:07:26,952
Interesting.
195
00:07:26,953 --> 00:07:28,502
Yeah, she might fall for that.
196
00:07:28,503 --> 00:07:30,412
It's not something that you fall for.
197
00:07:30,413 --> 00:07:32,036
I'm talking about real, genuine honesty.
198
00:07:32,037 --> 00:07:35,332
When Emily and I started dating,
we found that we were closest
199
00:07:35,333 --> 00:07:37,372
when we had the courage
to be our true selves.
200
00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:38,952
Aw.
201
00:07:38,953 --> 00:07:42,912
And now there is no one that
I would rather spend time with
202
00:07:42,913 --> 00:07:44,582
than Nigel Hadyn-Plout.
203
00:07:44,583 --> 00:07:45,843
He's coming!
204
00:07:47,913 --> 00:07:50,803
Even on Wednesdays,
my ex wasn't that gay.
205
00:07:51,913 --> 00:07:53,216
Excuse me.
206
00:07:53,217 --> 00:07:54,756
I'm Nigel Hadyn-Plout.
207
00:07:54,757 --> 00:07:57,006
Of course you are.
208
00:07:57,007 --> 00:07:58,966
Are you Oscar Madison?
209
00:07:58,967 --> 00:08:00,466
Uh, yeah.
210
00:08:00,467 --> 00:08:02,437
And I'm Relix Funger. Felix Unger.
211
00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:05,546
I'm a huge fan of your radio show.
212
00:08:05,547 --> 00:08:07,090
Would you mind if I picked your brain?
213
00:08:07,091 --> 00:08:08,596
I'm in this fantasy football league,
214
00:08:08,597 --> 00:08:11,686
and I could really use
some waiver wire advice.
215
00:08:11,687 --> 00:08:12,596
Oh, uh...
216
00:08:12,597 --> 00:08:14,766
I'm a little busy tonight.
217
00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:16,266
Oh, oh, I get it.
218
00:08:16,267 --> 00:08:18,346
I hate it when fans
approach me at these things.
219
00:08:18,347 --> 00:08:20,016
A bunch of music wonks
220
00:08:20,017 --> 00:08:22,040
who want to talk about my
interpretation of Chopin.
221
00:08:24,557 --> 00:08:26,037
Nerds.
222
00:08:27,437 --> 00:08:29,726
Well, good luck with your league.
223
00:08:29,727 --> 00:08:31,470
I'm gonna put your
honesty scam into effect.
224
00:08:31,471 --> 00:08:33,266
It's not a scam.
225
00:08:33,267 --> 00:08:34,687
Just be genuinely truthful.
226
00:08:34,688 --> 00:08:37,437
Am I the last honest man on Earth?
227
00:08:37,438 --> 00:08:39,097
Damn.
228
00:08:39,098 --> 00:08:41,687
I wanted to ask Oscar to
join our fantasy league.
229
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,346
Yo-Yo Ma dropped out,
230
00:08:43,347 --> 00:08:45,147
so Plácido and I need someone else
231
00:08:45,148 --> 00:08:47,408
who's passionate about football.
232
00:08:51,648 --> 00:08:52,727
Well, look no further.
233
00:08:52,728 --> 00:08:54,147
Here I am.
234
00:08:54,148 --> 00:08:56,248
That's why they call me Felix Football.
235
00:09:04,435 --> 00:09:06,154
So, who's your favorite team?
236
00:09:06,882 --> 00:09:08,091
New York, of course.
237
00:09:08,092 --> 00:09:09,341
Giants or Jets?
238
00:09:09,342 --> 00:09:11,261
Jets.
239
00:09:11,262 --> 00:09:14,091
Uh, because when you're a Jet,
240
00:09:14,092 --> 00:09:16,612
you're a Jet all the way.
241
00:09:18,342 --> 00:09:21,470
I have to be honest with you.
242
00:09:21,471 --> 00:09:23,590
I had no plans to come here tonight.
243
00:09:23,591 --> 00:09:26,111
I don't know anything
about classical music.
244
00:09:27,261 --> 00:09:28,800
I had a feeling.
245
00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:30,760
When I asked you if you liked Vivaldi,
246
00:09:30,761 --> 00:09:33,510
you said you weren't a pasta guy.
247
00:09:33,511 --> 00:09:35,800
Which is a lie on two levels.
248
00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:37,071
I love pasta.
249
00:09:38,591 --> 00:09:40,590
I think I was just
trying to impress you.
250
00:09:40,591 --> 00:09:42,550
Why can't you just tell the truth?
251
00:09:42,551 --> 00:09:44,590
I don't know, I guess I
was worried you wouldn't...
252
00:09:44,591 --> 00:09:46,890
like the real me.
253
00:09:46,891 --> 00:09:50,590
Well, why don't you give me
a chance to get to know him?
254
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:53,180
Because this conversation
we're having right now...
255
00:09:53,181 --> 00:09:56,140
the one where you're
actually being you...
256
00:09:56,141 --> 00:09:57,800
it's not bad.
257
00:09:57,801 --> 00:10:00,010
Okay, honesty it is.
258
00:10:00,011 --> 00:10:01,680
Sorry.
259
00:10:01,681 --> 00:10:02,640
Duty calls.
260
00:10:02,641 --> 00:10:04,590
No problem.
261
00:10:04,591 --> 00:10:05,970
Felix, you're a genius.
262
00:10:05,971 --> 00:10:07,890
Your honesty plan is officially working.
263
00:10:07,891 --> 00:10:10,114
Oh, great, great, great,
personal growth, very exciting.
264
00:10:10,115 --> 00:10:10,970
Quick question.
265
00:10:10,971 --> 00:10:12,794
Under what circumstances
would a football team
266
00:10:12,795 --> 00:10:14,145
go for a two-point conversion?
267
00:10:15,591 --> 00:10:17,970
I'm sorry, did a coconut
just land on your head?
268
00:10:17,971 --> 00:10:19,720
There is an opening
269
00:10:19,721 --> 00:10:22,090
in Nigel's fantasy
league, The Quarter-Bachs.
270
00:10:22,091 --> 00:10:24,680
Oh, and you need to pretend you
know everything about football.
271
00:10:24,681 --> 00:10:25,890
What happened to honesty?
272
00:10:25,891 --> 00:10:27,890
Who cares?! I am on the precipice
273
00:10:27,891 --> 00:10:29,550
of being in a fantasy football league
274
00:10:29,551 --> 00:10:31,760
with Plácido Domingo, who
just happens to be the tenor
275
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,220
on my fantasy opera team,
276
00:10:33,221 --> 00:10:36,010
which, yes, is a thing that I do.
277
00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:38,350
Fine, I'd be happy to teach you.
278
00:10:38,351 --> 00:10:40,010
Since the dawn of time...
279
00:10:40,011 --> 00:10:41,191
Skip ahead!
280
00:10:42,891 --> 00:10:44,760
What the hell?
281
00:10:44,761 --> 00:10:47,720
Teddy, why are you bidding
on my Beyoncé tickets?
282
00:10:47,721 --> 00:10:49,064
Diane really wants those tickets.
283
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:51,011
- And she's already kind of miffed.
- Why?
284
00:10:51,012 --> 00:10:52,972
Well, you know, she's
feeling a little threatened,
285
00:10:52,973 --> 00:10:55,036
knowing I'm working with
a single, attractive woman.
286
00:10:55,037 --> 00:10:56,743
What? That's ridiculous.
287
00:10:56,744 --> 00:10:58,890
Well, not the "attractive"
part, I'll give her that.
288
00:10:58,891 --> 00:10:59,576
Yeah.
289
00:10:59,577 --> 00:11:01,675
You know what, I don't
want to cause any problems.
290
00:11:01,676 --> 00:11:02,875
So you just take the tickets.
291
00:11:02,876 --> 00:11:04,795
Oh, thank you, Dani.
292
00:11:04,796 --> 00:11:05,965
Hey, baby.
293
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:07,585
Dani said that we can
have those tickets.
294
00:11:07,586 --> 00:11:09,795
Isn't that nice of you?
295
00:11:09,796 --> 00:11:11,045
And this way, you won't have
296
00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:12,505
to hunt down a man to bring.
297
00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,135
Oh, no.
298
00:11:14,136 --> 00:11:17,505
Look, they're putting out those
mini-quiches you like so much.
299
00:11:17,506 --> 00:11:18,816
Oh, it's on.
300
00:11:21,046 --> 00:11:23,795
Excuse me, but I paid $2,000
301
00:11:23,796 --> 00:11:25,856
to spend the evening with this woman.
302
00:11:27,796 --> 00:11:29,896
It's not like that.
303
00:11:30,796 --> 00:11:31,875
May I have this dance?
304
00:11:35,086 --> 00:11:37,005
In the spirit of
honesty, I should tell you
305
00:11:37,006 --> 00:11:39,135
I'm a terrible dancer.
306
00:11:39,136 --> 00:11:40,835
Since you're being honest with me,
307
00:11:40,836 --> 00:11:42,795
I guess I should be honest with you.
308
00:11:42,796 --> 00:11:45,646
I like you, Oscar.
309
00:11:46,466 --> 00:11:47,816
Go on.
310
00:11:49,046 --> 00:11:50,675
I've had my guard up,
311
00:11:50,676 --> 00:11:52,795
because my life has
been complicated lately.
312
00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,045
Uh, I just went through
a painful divorce.
313
00:11:55,046 --> 00:11:56,875
And also, as you know,
314
00:11:56,876 --> 00:11:58,545
I have a son.
315
00:11:58,546 --> 00:12:00,545
So if I were to get
involved with someone,
316
00:12:00,546 --> 00:12:02,545
it couldn't just be some fling.
317
00:12:02,546 --> 00:12:05,736
It would have to have
potential to be something real.
318
00:12:06,756 --> 00:12:07,835
Too far?
319
00:12:07,836 --> 00:12:09,045
Did I scare you off?
320
00:12:09,046 --> 00:12:10,715
No, no.
321
00:12:10,716 --> 00:12:12,585
I mean, in the past,
I'd be gone so quickly
322
00:12:12,586 --> 00:12:14,635
there'd be a me-shaped
hole in that wall.
323
00:12:14,636 --> 00:12:17,085
But I've grown up a lot lately.
324
00:12:17,086 --> 00:12:18,675
At least, that's what my
325
00:12:18,676 --> 00:12:19,906
mid-40s male roommate says.
326
00:12:21,136 --> 00:12:23,505
And I'm definitely looking
for something real, too.
327
00:12:23,506 --> 00:12:25,925
Go on.
328
00:12:25,926 --> 00:12:27,925
Wow, it feels good to be this truthful.
329
00:12:27,926 --> 00:12:29,465
And I'm great with kids, by the way.
330
00:12:29,466 --> 00:12:30,755
My sister has one.
331
00:12:30,756 --> 00:12:32,925
I called it on its birthday.
332
00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:35,635
Oh, I bet it appreciated that.
333
00:12:35,636 --> 00:12:36,676
And I'm definitely looking
334
00:12:36,677 --> 00:12:38,021
to be serious with someone again.
335
00:12:38,022 --> 00:12:38,795
Okay.
336
00:12:38,796 --> 00:12:40,215
Just needs to be the right person,
337
00:12:40,216 --> 00:12:41,675
don't you think?
338
00:12:41,676 --> 00:12:43,779
I mean, I could see myself
marrying someone like you.
339
00:12:43,780 --> 00:12:45,760
Could you see yourself
marrying someone like me?
340
00:12:47,796 --> 00:12:49,675
Did I just kind of propose to you?
341
00:12:49,676 --> 00:12:52,385
You kind of, sort of did.
342
00:12:52,386 --> 00:12:54,505
And you want to run away now.
343
00:12:54,506 --> 00:12:57,606
I kind of definitely do.
344
00:12:58,506 --> 00:13:00,816
And I got a spray tan for this?
345
00:13:09,194 --> 00:13:10,742
So, the Steelers won't win
346
00:13:10,743 --> 00:13:12,192
until they can control
347
00:13:12,193 --> 00:13:13,362
the line of scrimmage.
348
00:13:13,363 --> 00:13:14,652
Ah, yes.
349
00:13:14,653 --> 00:13:16,282
The line of scrimmage.
350
00:13:16,283 --> 00:13:18,192
The imaginary line
351
00:13:18,193 --> 00:13:20,862
the team cannot cross
until play has begun.
352
00:13:20,863 --> 00:13:22,742
Excuse me.
353
00:13:22,743 --> 00:13:24,532
Your plan blew up in my face!
354
00:13:24,533 --> 00:13:25,692
I wasn't ready for honesty.
355
00:13:25,693 --> 00:13:28,192
It was like giving car keys to a baby!
356
00:13:28,193 --> 00:13:30,112
So, listen, a lineman
cannot catch a pass
357
00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:31,776
unless he first declares
himself eligible?
358
00:13:31,777 --> 00:13:33,282
Damn it, Felix!
359
00:13:33,283 --> 00:13:34,723
I'm trying to talk about my feelings
360
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:37,557
and all you care about
is sports, sports, sports!
361
00:13:38,536 --> 00:13:40,115
I'm sorry, you're right.
362
00:13:40,116 --> 00:13:41,285
Hang in there, buddy.
363
00:13:41,286 --> 00:13:42,945
The game's not over
364
00:13:42,946 --> 00:13:45,075
until you've played
the full... 60 minutes?
365
00:13:45,076 --> 00:13:46,115
Yes.
366
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:47,256
Huzzah!
367
00:13:48,156 --> 00:13:50,205
Damn it.
368
00:13:50,206 --> 00:13:51,905
Everything okay?
369
00:13:51,906 --> 00:13:54,285
My regular page-turner
can't make it tonight.
370
00:13:54,286 --> 00:13:56,615
He got a nasty paper
cut reading a novel.
371
00:13:56,616 --> 00:13:59,115
Why is he taking those kinds of chances?
372
00:13:59,116 --> 00:14:00,161
Get a Nook, man!
373
00:14:01,206 --> 00:14:03,325
Now I have to find someone
who can sight-read music
374
00:14:03,326 --> 00:14:05,596
and is intimately
familiar with my style.
375
00:14:07,076 --> 00:14:08,325
I could do it.
376
00:14:08,326 --> 00:14:10,075
You?
377
00:14:10,076 --> 00:14:13,325
Nigel, I know I seem like
a football-loving badass,
378
00:14:13,326 --> 00:14:15,205
but I actually love classical music.
379
00:14:15,206 --> 00:14:16,535
I don't mean to toot my own horn,
380
00:14:16,536 --> 00:14:19,365
but if you need me to,
I can toot my own horn.
381
00:14:19,366 --> 00:14:21,205
I'll see you onstage.
382
00:14:21,206 --> 00:14:23,285
And, um...
383
00:14:23,286 --> 00:14:25,285
if you want to join
another fantasy league,
384
00:14:25,286 --> 00:14:27,285
we'd love to have you.
385
00:14:27,286 --> 00:14:29,216
I'll check my schedule.
386
00:14:34,946 --> 00:14:36,905
What the hell?
387
00:14:36,906 --> 00:14:38,245
Oh, no, no, no, no.
388
00:14:38,246 --> 00:14:41,035
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
389
00:14:41,036 --> 00:14:42,655
Teddy, what are you doing?
390
00:14:42,656 --> 00:14:44,365
I'm outbidding your sneaky asses.
391
00:14:46,206 --> 00:14:48,205
You said that Diane
could have those tickets.
392
00:14:48,206 --> 00:14:50,538
- That was before she dissed me.
- She is right.
393
00:14:50,539 --> 00:14:52,405
Those tickets are ours!
394
00:14:52,406 --> 00:14:55,115
Whoa, how much?
395
00:14:55,116 --> 00:14:57,205
Dani, I am a waitress.
396
00:14:57,206 --> 00:14:59,365
And not a good one.
397
00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:00,575
I'm out.
398
00:15:00,576 --> 00:15:02,535
Teddy, outbid her.
399
00:15:02,536 --> 00:15:04,366
- She's taking our tickets!
- Give me that pen.
400
00:15:04,367 --> 00:15:05,535
Oh, no, you better get
your hand off this pen.
401
00:15:05,536 --> 00:15:07,035
You better give it to me.
You better give me my pen.
402
00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:09,739
Thank you for bidding.
This concludes the silent auction.
403
00:15:09,740 --> 00:15:11,365
Damn it, Dani!
404
00:15:11,366 --> 00:15:13,506
If you liked it, then you
should've put a bid on it.
405
00:15:17,446 --> 00:15:18,705
I'm sorry, pumpkin.
406
00:15:18,706 --> 00:15:20,325
Don't you "pumpkin" me.
407
00:15:20,326 --> 00:15:22,075
You could have gotten me those tickets.
408
00:15:22,076 --> 00:15:24,495
But I guess your work
wife was more important.
409
00:15:24,496 --> 00:15:26,445
Oh, stop being so jealous!
410
00:15:26,446 --> 00:15:27,705
That's why I didn't tell
you Dani was a woman.
411
00:15:27,706 --> 00:15:29,655
Wait a minute. You never
told her I was a woman?
412
00:15:29,656 --> 00:15:31,575
What? I thought I did.
413
00:15:31,576 --> 00:15:33,445
No wonder she's throwing me shade.
414
00:15:33,446 --> 00:15:34,400
This is your wife.
415
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,001
You can't keep stuff like that from her.
416
00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:37,962
- Dani, stay out of this.
- Don't you snap at her.
417
00:15:37,986 --> 00:15:39,004
Thank you, Diane.
418
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:40,504
Wait a minute now.
419
00:15:40,505 --> 00:15:41,744
You know what, Diane?
420
00:15:41,745 --> 00:15:42,905
Since Emily backed out on me,
421
00:15:42,906 --> 00:15:44,626
would you like to go
to the concert with me?
422
00:15:44,650 --> 00:15:46,080
Girl, I'd love to.
423
00:15:46,081 --> 00:15:47,865
Teddy will pay for the tickets.
424
00:15:47,866 --> 00:15:50,146
- Huh!
- Oh...
425
00:15:50,147 --> 00:15:52,146
And watch the kids.
426
00:15:52,147 --> 00:15:54,145
Oh...
427
00:15:54,146 --> 00:15:55,975
Aw, Lord have mercy.
428
00:15:55,976 --> 00:15:59,355
These seats better be on Beyoncé's lap.
429
00:15:59,356 --> 00:16:01,265
Emily, great news.
430
00:16:01,266 --> 00:16:03,061
Nigel Hadyn-Plout has enlisted me
431
00:16:03,062 --> 00:16:04,761
to be his substitute page-turner.
432
00:16:04,762 --> 00:16:07,311
That's great. How did that happen?
433
00:16:07,312 --> 00:16:11,601
Hmm? Oh, I won him over with
my sparkling personality.
434
00:16:11,602 --> 00:16:13,721
And a slightly fabricated knowledge
435
00:16:13,722 --> 00:16:15,761
of American football.
436
00:16:15,762 --> 00:16:17,101
Wait, you lied?
437
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:18,681
Weren't you just telling Oscar
438
00:16:18,682 --> 00:16:20,761
that the guilt from lying
would eat away at him?
439
00:16:20,762 --> 00:16:22,021
Oh, you know me.
440
00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:23,681
Always spouting on about something.
441
00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:26,431
Blah, blah, germs, blah,
blah, cell phone etiquette.
442
00:16:26,432 --> 00:16:27,721
I can't believe it.
443
00:16:27,722 --> 00:16:29,561
You're the most ethical person I know.
444
00:16:29,562 --> 00:16:30,851
You almost had a heart attack
445
00:16:30,852 --> 00:16:32,955
going through the "ten items
or less" lane yesterday.
446
00:16:32,956 --> 00:16:34,061
I had two six-packs.
447
00:16:34,062 --> 00:16:35,811
You do the math.
448
00:16:35,812 --> 00:16:37,394
All I'm saying is,
449
00:16:37,395 --> 00:16:39,474
you are not cut out to be dishonest.
450
00:16:39,475 --> 00:16:40,778
Ladies and gentlemen,
451
00:16:40,779 --> 00:16:42,054
please take your seats
452
00:16:42,055 --> 00:16:43,344
for our performance.
453
00:16:43,345 --> 00:16:44,394
Now, if you'll excuse me,
454
00:16:44,395 --> 00:16:46,014
I have to assist a pianist.
455
00:16:50,345 --> 00:16:51,684
Ladies and gentlemen,
456
00:16:51,685 --> 00:16:54,264
please welcome Mr. Nigel Hadyn-Plout.
457
00:17:07,555 --> 00:17:10,405
Can someone please get
this lyre off the stage?
458
00:17:11,395 --> 00:17:13,474
Oh, the harp.
459
00:17:13,475 --> 00:17:15,514
A lyre is also a harp.
460
00:17:15,515 --> 00:17:18,304
Tonight I will be performing
461
00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:21,054
a late Renaissance sonata
462
00:17:21,055 --> 00:17:24,434
entitled "La Punizione Del Seduttore."
463
00:17:24,435 --> 00:17:26,184
Which, loosely translated, means:
464
00:17:26,185 --> 00:17:29,474
"The Punishment of the Deceiver."
465
00:17:29,475 --> 00:17:31,104
Felix Unger...
466
00:17:31,105 --> 00:17:33,205
will be assisting me.
467
00:17:53,515 --> 00:17:55,445
Felix.
468
00:17:57,185 --> 00:17:59,394
Felix!
469
00:18:17,515 --> 00:18:19,604
Sorry... sorry.
470
00:18:19,605 --> 00:18:21,477
Oh, I'm sorry.
471
00:18:21,478 --> 00:18:22,350
Ow!
472
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:23,224
Aah!
473
00:18:23,225 --> 00:18:25,474
I'm sorry! I shouldn't
be up here onstage!
474
00:18:25,475 --> 00:18:27,224
I know nothing about football!
475
00:18:27,225 --> 00:18:28,745
I'm a fraud and a liar!
476
00:18:31,305 --> 00:18:32,394
Hi there.
477
00:18:32,395 --> 00:18:33,644
Can I talk to you for a second?
478
00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:35,264
Oscar, it's a busy night.
479
00:18:35,265 --> 00:18:36,608
Can we pick this up another time?
480
00:18:36,609 --> 00:18:38,434
No, I have to ask you this now
481
00:18:38,435 --> 00:18:40,514
or I'll regret it for
the rest of my life.
482
00:18:41,516 --> 00:18:42,514
Charlotte...
483
00:18:42,515 --> 00:18:46,344
will you please not marry me?
484
00:18:46,345 --> 00:18:48,514
Wait, what?
485
00:18:48,515 --> 00:18:50,184
I got way ahead of myself.
486
00:18:50,185 --> 00:18:52,344
We haven't even been on a real date yet.
487
00:18:52,345 --> 00:18:55,184
And the whole point of dating is
to find out all the awful things
488
00:18:55,185 --> 00:18:57,344
about a person so you
can stop dating them.
489
00:18:57,345 --> 00:19:01,144
And that's what I want
with you, Charlotte.
490
00:19:01,145 --> 00:19:03,865
I want to find out all
the awful things about you.
491
00:19:05,515 --> 00:19:06,684
And I want you to know
492
00:19:06,685 --> 00:19:08,344
all the crappy things about me, too.
493
00:19:08,345 --> 00:19:10,394
Oh, God, there's more?
494
00:19:10,395 --> 00:19:12,514
Tons more.
495
00:19:12,515 --> 00:19:14,514
Look, if we want this
relationship to fail,
496
00:19:14,515 --> 00:19:16,135
we're really gonna have to work at it.
497
00:19:17,685 --> 00:19:18,804
So what do you say?
498
00:19:18,805 --> 00:19:20,144
You want to grab a cup of coffee?
499
00:19:20,145 --> 00:19:21,785
I do.
500
00:19:24,515 --> 00:19:27,394
I call my mother four times a day.
501
00:19:27,395 --> 00:19:29,418
I've never left a penny,
but I always take a penny,
502
00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:31,434
even if I don't need one.
503
00:19:31,435 --> 00:19:34,514
I steal Wi-Fi from the
nursing home across the street.
504
00:19:34,515 --> 00:19:37,554
I lost my last baby tooth when I was 26.
505
00:19:37,555 --> 00:19:38,495
That's weird.
506
00:19:38,496 --> 00:19:39,434
Yeah?
507
00:19:39,435 --> 00:19:41,658
Well, why don't you call your
mom and tell her about it?
508
00:19:43,435 --> 00:19:45,554
Wait. Before you go,
509
00:19:45,555 --> 00:19:48,224
I owe both of you an apology.
510
00:19:48,225 --> 00:19:49,626
Oscar, I'm sorry, I should've taken
511
00:19:49,627 --> 00:19:51,130
my own advice and been more truthful.
512
00:19:51,131 --> 00:19:52,554
And, Charlotte, I'm sorry
513
00:19:52,555 --> 00:19:54,338
for nearly wrecking
things with your pianist.
514
00:19:56,145 --> 00:19:57,394
I'm sorry.
515
00:19:57,395 --> 00:19:58,394
I know it's immature,
516
00:19:58,395 --> 00:20:01,325
but I always giggle when
someone says "pianist."
517
00:20:03,515 --> 00:20:05,535
I think you're going to
have to marry that woman.
518
00:20:20,330 --> 00:20:21,578
Hey.
519
00:20:21,579 --> 00:20:22,962
How was coffee with Charlotte?
520
00:20:22,963 --> 00:20:25,712
Amazing. Turns out she's
a big football fan, too.
521
00:20:25,713 --> 00:20:29,082
And we both laugh every time
we hear the name "Dick Butkus."
522
00:20:29,083 --> 00:20:31,252
A match made in heaven.
523
00:20:31,253 --> 00:20:33,212
Or kindergarten.
524
00:20:33,213 --> 00:20:35,353
Well, I'll see you in the morning.
525
00:20:43,963 --> 00:20:45,922
Are you watching Beethoven?
526
00:20:45,923 --> 00:20:47,752
I-I was just, uh...
527
00:20:47,753 --> 00:20:49,172
checking it out.
528
00:20:49,173 --> 00:20:51,273
Honestly, I don't know why
you find it so engaging.
529
00:20:52,923 --> 00:20:54,332
Wait, is that a camping trip?
530
00:20:54,333 --> 00:20:56,212
Is this Beethoven 3?
531
00:20:56,213 --> 00:21:00,252
It's called Beethoven's 3rd.
532
00:21:00,253 --> 00:21:03,082
I went down a rabbit hole.
533
00:21:04,133 --> 00:21:06,213
Oh... Beethoven.
534
00:21:06,426 --> 00:21:13,632
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