Original subtitles

Hey, Mom, you don't have to stay, if you don't want to.

Of course I want to stay, buddy.

I want to see how your project goes over.

Plus there are a bunch of moms out there trying

to recruit volunteers for campus cleanup.

Got to wait for that to blow over.

Oh, hello, Ms. Campbell. Hi!

Ritchie, let's see how you did

on your geography project.

Oh, wow! You've been to a lot of places, huh?

Four.

Yeah, pretty good, huh?

He's only 13 and he's been all over California.

See, that's, uh, Santa Rosa for Uncle Joe's funeral

and Bakersfield for Grandpa Lou's funeral

and... I don't remember who died in San Diego,

but I remember the spread that they had.

They had real shrimp.

Ooh. It was really good.

Wow! That is a lot of funerals.

Is there anyone left in your family?

What are you talking about, Christine?

These are all the places we've been to on family vacations.

Oh, come on.

Wha...? You took your kids to China?

That's Brazil, but yes.

Oh, that must be Ritchie's globe.

My cat's globe has more pins in it.

We had a blast at each and every one of those memorials.

And I'm not gonna feel bad just because my 13-year-old

hasn't been to Paris.

That's India.

I can't keep up with all these new countries.

It doesn't matter, Ms. Campbell.

Ritchie has a whole lifetime to fill up his globe.

Oh, and don't forget,

spring break is right around the corner,

so I'm sure you'll go someplace wonderful.

Hopefully to a geography class.

She doesn't need a vacation, her life is a vacation.

She lives in a cabin.

What? I don't live in a cabin.

Oh. Well, it smells like bear poop.

(scoffs)

Well, maybe you could pack that odd little family of yours

into your Prius and pretend

you're on a crowded subway in Japan.

Okay,

okay, enough with these jokes, okay?

For your information,

our family does have a trip planned for spring break.

Oh, oh, that's wonderful.

You're allowed to fly again.

We're going on vacation?

Yeah, remember, Ritchie, we talked about this?

BevMo?

(stammering)

N-No, a-a different conversation, remember?

Uh, we're going, uh... to North Korea.

Americans aren't allowed to travel there.

But BevMo's very nice this time of year.

Can we go to Disney World?

Well, sure.

Actually, that's a great idea,

because cousin Edgar in Orlando just took a turn for the worse.

Two birds, one pin.

Okay, you know want to know what I realized

when I went to school today?

You went there with your pants unzipped?

No.

You found out what smells like bear poop.

Still looking.

But everybody at school takes a family vacation but us.

Everyone!

Do you know where Marly and Lindsay went

last spring break with their kids?

Dubai. Where did we go?

Nowhere.

Well, not nowhere.

We went to Medieval Times in Buena Park.

Oh, God, Buena Park!

I forgot to put a pin there!

God, I wish I could forget about that.

I had to sit across from you and watch you eat that turkey leg

with your bare hands.

So primal.

It was like When Animals Attack.

So you know what we're gonna do?

We're are going on a family trip...

to Florida!

Florida? Is there news about cousin Edgar?

No.

Unfortunately, he's a fighter.

But we're going to Disney World!

Yeah, it's gonna be our first

normal family vacation, and we're gonna take it

just like normal families do.

It's important for Ritchie.

I think it's a great idea.

I'll have to ask my doctor about flying,

but I'd hate to miss a family vacation.

Oh, dear.

You know, how do I say this nicely?

Um...

when I said family vacation, I didn't mean you.

You got it.

Christine! What?

She's not even related to any of us.

And that is just going to slow us down.

"That" is my unborn child.

How are we going to pay for this?

Airfare alone is, like, $500 round-trip.

I have half a million miles we could have used,

but I don't want to slow anybody down.

Oh, don't listen to Barb.

We want you there! Boop!

How'd you get half-a-million miles?

Before Richard, I dated an airline pilot.

He used to give me miles as gifts.

He got her into the Mile-High Club.

That's when you fly a lot.

Yeah, that's what it is.

Okay, great.

So it's settled.

We're gonna go on our first family vacation.

Hey, Barb, you and I will share a room.

And what happens in Florida stays in Florida.

You can stay in Florida.

I'm staying here.

Not to be rude, but I'm sick of all of you.

Come on!

You're gonna be here all alone.

What are you gonna do?

I'll house-sit for you.

It'll be like my own little trip to the wine country.

All right, come on. Let's go!

I've got to get you to the airport.

Flight doesn't leave for five hours.

I know, but I was serious-- I'm sick of you.

Come on, Christine!

Get your ass down here!

I'm here!

Right here.

Oh, no... it finally happened.

Her liver shut down.

Oh, quiet! I got a spray tan.

I wanted to get a base before I hit the beach.

A base of what, Cheetos?

Hey, we ready to go?

Back in time to 1967 Miami?

This is high-end resort wear.

It's very comfortable.

I like it-- you look like Jimmy Buffet...

on safari...

...in a nursing home.

Okay, okay, I get it, I get it.

It's not a great look for me.

I'm gonna go change.

Uh-uh, no time-- come on, come on,

I want you all the hell out of here.

Ritchie, come on! Let's go, buddy!

We gotta get a move on!

Okay, Mom. I'm all packed.

Except that I can't find my Nintendo DS.

Oh, honey, we're not gonna bring your Nintendo.

Why not? I'll be bored. No, you're not gonna be bored.

We're going on a family vacation.

It's gonna bring us closer together.

So?

Okay, not "so."

How about "Thank you"?

How about, "Thank you, Mom,

"for taking us on a fabulous family vacation

that we're gonna cherish for a lifetime"?

You ruin everything.

He's not wrong.

All right, come on!

Move it, move it! Let's go!

MATTHEW: So here we are at the airport,

getting ready to go through security.

There's Richard and New Christine.

Say hi, guys.

Hi.

And there's Barb.

She was nice enough to take us to the airport.

Anything you want to say before we go?

Let's keep it moving.

Less talking, more walking.

Matthew...

Oh, geez! Come on! Not so close.

You know I'm afraid of Oompa-Loompas.

Wait, just come, come, come.

I want you to take some video of me and Ritchie.

I want to remember this.

Lookit-- look, look, look.

Are you ready for our vacation, sweetie?

You smell weird.

Oh, that's not me, that's the spray-on tan.

I think my body is rejecting it.

He's excited. (forced giggle)

You can edit this, right, Matthew?

I'm leaving.

Oh, Barb!

Ooh, you stink.

Don't touch me.

She's gonna miss me.

You can edit this, right, Matthew?

I can't wait to spend some time alone with you.

We never get to talk anymore.

You know we're not having sex, right?

What?

Richard, I told you. I'm uncomfortable.

I don't feel sexy.

Well, what are we gonna do the whole time, talk?

Actually, I'm a little sick of that, too.

I'm looking forward to five silent, sexless days.

You ruin everything.

What is taking so long?

This line hasn't moved in 20 minutes.

By the time we get there, my tan is gonna be gone.

But hopefully, the smell will be with you forever.

I mean, seriously, you smell like old pork lo mein.

Hey... What?!

There's a line!

Who the hell do these people think they are?

Here you go-- we have 30 pieces of luggage.

Lindsay, it's me.

It's Christine.

Oh, Christine.

I forgot you worked at the airport.

Here's a dollar.

Make sure our luggage doesn't get scratched.

We can edit that, right?

Thank you. Have a nice trip.

Yeah, it's not gonna be.

Ticket and I.D., please.

Oh, no.

Oh, Richard, I think I left my wallet at Old Christine's.

I took it out for a second to make sure I had everything,

and I left it on the table.

Hey, what's going on?

You're holding up the line here.

New Christine left her wallet at your house.

She doesn't have any I.D.

Or sex drive.

Okay, I'll handle this.

Okay, uh, she's okay.

She's with us.

We're on a family vacation.

I mean, she's not technically family,

but she's got, like, half a million miles

in her Mile-High Club account,

so, here's my I.D.

I need to see her I.D.

Yeah, okay, here's the thing--

she doesn't really have an I.D.,

but I can vouch for her.

Her name is New Christine.

New Christine what?

Uh, oh, let... it's, uh...

uh, Himmner.

No, no, no, Himmel.

No, no, Hammer.

Yeah, yeah, it's New Christine Hammer.

What's the matter with you? It's Harper.

No, it's not.

God, you guys!

It's Hunter.

Christine Marcia Hunter.

No, it's not.

Christine Marcia Hopper?

Hooper?

My middle name is Liesl.

Liesl?!

Oy.

Okay, so, are we good here?

Sure, go ahead.

Of course you're not good.

I can't let her on the flight without I.D.

And there's no food beyond this point,

so wherever you're hiding that Chinese food,

you better get rid of it.

I need you to move off to the side.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

But are we going to make our flight?

Not my problem.

Oh, but please.

This is our family vacation.

It's our first one.

Oh, you're kidding. No.

Your first family vacation? Yeah.

Then you move to the first family vacation line.

Oh, thank you.

I appreciate that.

Oh, wait-- you're being an ass again, right?

Okay, never mind.

(cell phone ringing)

Damn, Christine.

You ruin everything.

Come on, baby.

Middle names don't mean anything.

I know everything else about you.

I know your favorite ice cream is pecan praline.

And that you broke your ankle ice skating

when you were eight years old.

And that you're very, very ticklish

at the small of your back.

That's weird-- she's the exact same as me.

Oh... Oh, no.

MATTHEW: Ah, there he is.

The whole reason we're doing this.

Are you having fun, buddy?

No. Are you?

Can't say.

I don't know how to edit this.

Come on, give me a smile.

There's that smile.

CHRISTINE: Oh, great, Barb is here.

Okay, Florida, here we come.

Vacation starts now.

Uh-oh.

Oh, I think I just started my period.

Okay... Vacation starts

right after I get back from the bathroom.

Thank you so much for bringing this.

I'm so sorry to bother you on your vacation.

When I realized there was a chance

of you coming back to the house,

I called my cousin to get a police escort over here.

Your cousin's a cop?

He has a badge.

Okay, okay, great news.

False alarm.

It was just my tan dripping down my leg.

Okay.

Vacation starts now.

Okay, uh, tape two, take one.

Um... well, we're almost on the plane.

We're going to put our rough start behind us.

Ritchie!

Okay, we're going to talk about this after the vacation.

(clears throat)

Okay.

Tape two, take two.

In two hours, we're gonna be in Florida.

MATTHEW: It's a five-hour flight.

Oh, right. Because of the time change?

Aah! Matthew!

God!

There's a problem.

The flight's overbooked.

And since we were the last people to check in,

one of us is gonna have to get bumped.

(groans)

One of us, huh?

I wonder how we're gonna decide that.

Me?

Oh, thank you.

That's the right thing to do.

Are you kidding?

You're using my miles for this trip.

Oh, come on.

You're the logical choice.

I mean, who else is going to stay? I'll stay.

I'll stay. I'll stay.

You guys, come on.

That really hurts my feelings, all right?

Please try to be a little more sensitive.

No, preg-o is staying 'cause she's not family.

She doesn't go, I don't go.

No, Richard. You have to go.

It's your son's first family vacation.

I didn't really want to go, anyway.

Neither did I. Neither did I.

Neither did I.

Hey! Hurtful!

Have you decided who in your party is going to stay?

Me, I guess. All right.

Well, here's your first class voucher,

good for your next flight,

and a $20 coupon for any TGIF in any airport.

Oh! TGIF...?

God.

Honey, are you sure you're okay with that?

I'm fine. I just need to find a way home.

Oh, I'll call Barb.

No, I don't want to bother her again.

Oh, please. It's not a bother.

She's not doing anything.

Just sitting around, drinking all my booze.

(ringing)

Do you need to get that?

No. There's only one person that could be.

(ringing)

Are you sure?

You're getting so tense.

Your-Your back is actually starting to hurt my hands.

I'm fine. Just keep going.

(chiming)

Christine! (groans)

I'm bored.

We've been here forever.

I know, bud.

It's been a long day for all of us, okay?

I blew my nose and it came out orange.

I don't know how my tan got on the inside.

Okay, so did you find out what's taking so long?

There's a problem.

Our flight's been delayed because of a snowstorm.

What? In Florida?

No, in Toronto.

That's the route you take when you use free miles

on an airline called Shanniff.

Well, how long is the delay?

Five hours.

But then there's another 20 hours on the plane.

That's assuming you make your connection

from Toronto to Salt Lake City.

Salt Lake City?!

That's Shanniff's hub.

Can we please just go home?

Yeah, I want to go, too.

I feel bad about New Christine.

No. Come on.

We are going on a family vacation,

just like everybody else does.

Okay? We're gonna stay up late,

we're gonna order room service, we're gonna play card games,

we're gonna go swimming in the ocean, go water-boarding...

I don't think that's what you mean.

Okay.

Shut up! Okay?

Shut up! This is important to me.

And it's important to Ritchie.

And I don't want his only memories to be

that we never went anywhere

because his mother had to work every day.

I don't think anyone's going to be remembering that.

Come on, now, you know what?

I know this hasn't been easy,

but when are things ever easy for us? Okay?

We're going on a family vacation.

We can do this.

You know what? Maybe we can't.

Maybe we're not strong enough.

Maybe, maybe we're not cut out for family vacations.

Oh, don't be silly.

In a couple hours, we're gonna be on our plane,

we're gonna be drinking our wine,

we're gonna be laughing about how funny all this was.

Oh, we won't be having any wine.

Why not?

Shanniff is a dry airline.

I think they're Mormons.

All right, I'm calling Barb to come pick us up.

We're going home, bud.

I can't believe they went without me.

I can't believe you're upset.

I don't think they're ever going

to consider me part of their family.

Congratulations.

Why would you want to be part of that family?

They ruin everything.

If you're not part of the family,

then you can't be part of the family feuds,

they can't ask for money,

you don't have to help them find their car at the mall...

Except for the occasional Al-Anon meeting,

you're off the hook.

Stay on the outside as long as you can.

(cell phone ringing)

Outside.

Barb?

CHRISTINE: What the hell?

Why didn't you answer your phone?

God! I had to call a taxi to get home.

Shut up.

What?

What did she just say?

She has a name.

It's New Christine.

And she said "shut up."

What is going on with her?

Barb, what did you do to her?

I set her free.

Oh, well, this is just great.

No family vacation.

New Christine's all mouthy.

I peed orange.

And all I wanted to do

was have Ritchie be able to put a pin in another country.

You know Florida's not another country, right?

Well, I could lie and say that I did,

but I think we both know the truth.

You're an idiot.

Barb, you have to put her back the way she was.

God, I'm having the worst day.

All I wanted to do was something nice for my son.

All right, fine.

Let's go for a drive.

What? Why?

We're going to fix this right now.

We're getting Ritchie that pin.

What business do you have in Mexico?

Um, we're just going to make a U-turn,

so we can get a pin.

Gracias.