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1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:05,305
Hey, Mom, you don't have to
stay, if you don't want to.
2
00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:06,666
Of course I want
to stay, buddy.
3
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,284
I want to see how
your project goes over.
4
00:00:08,276 --> 00:00:09,676
Plus there are a bunch
of moms out there trying
5
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:14,217
to recruit volunteers
for campus cleanup.
6
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,815
Got to wait for that
to blow over.
7
00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:20,217
Oh, hello, Ms. Campbell.
Hi!
8
00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:21,661
Ritchie, let's
see how you did
9
00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:23,385
on your geography
project.
10
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,491
Oh, wow! You've been to
a lot of places, huh?
11
00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:26,533
Four.
12
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,357
Yeah, pretty good, huh?
13
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:32,703
He's only 13 and he's been
all over California.
14
00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:36,270
See, that's, uh, Santa Rosa
for Uncle Joe's funeral
15
00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:38,710
and Bakersfield for
Grandpa Lou's funeral
16
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:42,436
and... I don't remember
who died in San Diego,
17
00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:45,253
but I remember
the spread that they had.
18
00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,346
They had real shrimp.
19
00:00:47,348 --> 00:00:49,678
Ooh.
It was really good.
20
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:54,593
Wow! That is a lot
of funerals.
21
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:56,858
Is there anyone left
in your family?
22
00:00:56,857 --> 00:00:58,857
What are you talking
about, Christine?
23
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,499
These are all the places we've
been to on family vacations.
24
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:03,125
Oh, come on.
25
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:05,701
Wha...?
You took your kids to China?
26
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:08,699
That's Brazil, but yes.
27
00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:10,642
Oh, that must be
Ritchie's globe.
28
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:12,738
My cat's globe has
more pins in it.
29
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:18,405
We had a blast at each and every
one of those memorials.
30
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:21,382
And I'm not gonna feel bad
just because my 13-year-old
31
00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:23,652
hasn't been to Paris.
32
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:26,591
That's India.
33
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:29,757
I can't keep up with all
these new countries.
34
00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:31,487
It doesn't matter,
Ms. Campbell.
35
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:34,532
Ritchie has a whole lifetime
to fill up his globe.
36
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,198
Oh, and don't forget,
37
00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:37,667
spring break is right
around the corner,
38
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:38,865
so I'm sure you'll go
someplace wonderful.
39
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:41,366
Hopefully to a
geography class.
40
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:46,638
She doesn't need a vacation,
her life is a vacation.
41
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,210
She lives in a cabin.
42
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,479
What?
I don't live in a cabin.
43
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,908
Oh. Well, it smells
like bear poop.
44
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:54,823
(scoffs)
45
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:57,185
Well, maybe you could pack that
odd little family of yours
46
00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,585
into your Prius and pretend
47
00:01:58,586 --> 00:01:59,716
you're on
a crowded subway in Japan.
48
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,320
Okay,
49
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:02,292
okay, enough
with these jokes, okay?
50
00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:03,860
For your information,
51
00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:06,187
our family does have a trip
planned for spring break.
52
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,604
Oh, oh, that's wonderful.
53
00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:09,225
You're allowed
to fly again.
54
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:11,900
We're going
on vacation?
55
00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:15,699
Yeah, remember, Ritchie,
we talked about this?
56
00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:17,243
BevMo?
57
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,708
(stammering)
58
00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:22,206
N-No, a-a different
conversation, remember?
59
00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:28,580
Uh, we're going, uh...
to North Korea.
60
00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:32,617
Americans aren't allowed
to travel there.
61
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:35,260
But BevMo's very nice
this time of year.
62
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:38,630
Can we go to Disney World?
63
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:40,656
Well, sure.
64
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:43,261
Actually,
that's a great idea,
65
00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:46,774
because cousin Edgar in Orlando
just took a turn for the worse.
66
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,637
Two birds, one pin.
67
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,482
Okay, you know want
to know what I realized
68
00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:01,881
when I went to school today?
69
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:03,852
You went there
with your pants unzipped?
70
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:07,860
No.
71
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,815
You found out what smells
like bear poop.
72
00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:13,833
Still looking.
73
00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:16,827
But everybody at school takes
a family vacation but us.
74
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,430
Everyone!
75
00:03:18,432 --> 00:03:20,272
Do you know where Marly
and Lindsay went
76
00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:21,938
last spring break
with their kids?
77
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,995
Dubai. Where did we go?
78
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,274
Nowhere.
79
00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:26,573
Well, not nowhere.
80
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:29,284
We went to Medieval
Times in Buena Park.
81
00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:30,377
Oh, God, Buena Park!
82
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:32,808
I forgot to put a pin there!
83
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,753
God, I wish I could forget
about that.
84
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,348
I had to sit across from you and
watch you eat that turkey leg
85
00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:39,351
with your bare hands.
86
00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:40,823
So primal.
87
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:42,861
It was like
When Animals Attack.
88
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:44,926
So you know what
we're gonna do?
89
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:47,655
We're are going
on a family trip...
90
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,401
to Florida!
91
00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:51,867
Florida? Is there news
about cousin Edgar?
92
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,325
No.
93
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,304
Unfortunately,
he's a fighter.
94
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:58,907
But we're going
to Disney World!
95
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,606
Yeah, it's gonna be our first
96
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:02,578
normal family vacation,
and we're gonna take it
97
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,906
just like normal families do.
98
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,011
It's important for Ritchie.
99
00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:06,682
I think it's a great idea.
100
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,320
I'll have to ask my doctor
about flying,
101
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:10,016
but I'd hate
to miss a family vacation.
102
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:12,947
Oh, dear.
103
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:16,922
You know, how do I say
this nicely?
104
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:18,794
Um...
105
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:22,632
when I said family vacation,
I didn't mean you.
106
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,797
You got it.
107
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:28,698
Christine!
What?
108
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,602
She's not even
related to any of us.
109
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:33,474
And that is just going
to slow us down.
110
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:37,805
"That" is my unborn child.
111
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,481
How are we going
to pay for this?
112
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,350
Airfare alone is, like,
$500 round-trip.
113
00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,349
I have half a million miles
we could have used,
114
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:44,921
but I don't want
to slow anybody down.
115
00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:46,588
Oh, don't listen to Barb.
116
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:48,717
We want you there!
Boop!
117
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,464
How'd you get
half-a-million miles?
118
00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:55,401
Before Richard,
I dated an airline pilot.
119
00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:56,956
He used to give me miles
as gifts.
120
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:59,574
He got her
into the Mile-High Club.
121
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,044
That's when you fly a lot.
122
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:06,366
Yeah, that's what it is.
123
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:08,641
Okay, great.
124
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,112
So it's settled.
125
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,980
We're gonna go
on our first family vacation.
126
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,979
Hey, Barb, you and I
will share a room.
127
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:18,691
And what happens in Florida
stays in Florida.
128
00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:20,386
You can stay in Florida.
129
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:21,818
I'm staying here.
130
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:26,632
Not to be rude,
but I'm sick of all of you.
131
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:27,897
Come on!
132
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:28,925
You're gonna
be here all alone.
133
00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:29,929
What are you gonna do?
134
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,730
I'll house-sit for you.
135
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:34,602
It'll be like my own little trip
to the wine country.
136
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:39,705
All right, come on. Let's go!
137
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:40,907
I've got to get you
to the airport.
138
00:05:40,908 --> 00:05:42,678
Flight doesn't leave
for five hours.
139
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,446
I know, but I was serious--
I'm sick of you.
140
00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:45,445
Come on, Christine!
141
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:46,806
Get your ass down here!
142
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:53,018
I'm here!
143
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,790
Right here.
144
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,758
Oh, no... it
finally happened.
145
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:59,957
Her liver shut down.
146
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,700
Oh, quiet! I got a spray tan.
147
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,466
I wanted to get a base
before I hit the beach.
148
00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:07,496
A base of what, Cheetos?
149
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:11,466
Hey, we ready to go?
150
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,975
Back in time to 1967 Miami?
151
00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:19,147
This is high-end resort wear.
152
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:20,676
It's very comfortable.
153
00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:23,721
I like it-- you look
like Jimmy Buffet...
154
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,017
on safari...
155
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,594
...in a nursing home.
156
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,019
Okay, okay, I get it, I get it.
157
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,633
It's not a great look for me.
158
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:32,985
I'm gonna go change.
159
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:34,503
Uh-uh, no time--
come on, come on,
160
00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,695
I want you all
the hell out of here.
161
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:37,974
Ritchie, come on!
Let's go, buddy!
162
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:39,195
We gotta get a move on!
163
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,169
Okay, Mom.
I'm all packed.
164
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:43,468
Except that I can't find
my Nintendo DS.
165
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,511
Oh, honey, we're not gonna bring
your Nintendo.
166
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:48,476
Why not?
I'll be bored.
No, you're not
gonna be bored.
167
00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:49,776
We're going on a
family vacation.
168
00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:50,977
It's gonna bring us
closer together.
169
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,648
So?
170
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,576
Okay, not "so."
171
00:06:54,582 --> 00:06:56,122
How about "Thank you"?
172
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,686
How about,
"Thank you, Mom,
173
00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,785
"for taking us on a fabulous
family vacation
174
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,687
that we're gonna cherish
for a lifetime"?
175
00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:04,489
You ruin everything.
176
00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:07,633
He's not wrong.
177
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:08,928
All right,
come on!
178
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,899
Move it, move it! Let's go!
179
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,667
MATTHEW:
So here we are
at the airport,
180
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:18,570
getting ready to go
through security.
181
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:20,142
There's Richard
and New Christine.
182
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,710
Say hi, guys.
183
00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:24,139
Hi.
184
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,914
And there's Barb.
185
00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:27,623
She was nice enough to
take us to the airport.
186
00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,145
Anything you want
to say before we go?
187
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:30,519
Let's keep it moving.
188
00:07:30,518 --> 00:07:32,248
Less talking, more walking.
189
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:33,652
Matthew...
190
00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:34,994
Oh, geez! Come on!
Not so close.
191
00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:36,018
You know I'm afraid
of Oompa-Loompas.
192
00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:37,733
Wait, just come, come, come.
193
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:39,625
I want you to take some video
of me and Ritchie.
194
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:40,887
I want to remember this.
195
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:42,234
Lookit-- look,
look, look.
196
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,999
Are you ready
for our vacation, sweetie?
197
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:47,098
You smell weird.
198
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:50,040
Oh, that's not me,
that's the spray-on tan.
199
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:52,807
I think my body is rejecting it.
200
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:56,606
He's excited.
(forced giggle)
201
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:59,550
You can edit
this, right, Matthew?
202
00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:00,547
I'm leaving.
203
00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:01,578
Oh, Barb!
204
00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:02,582
Ooh, you stink.
205
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:03,683
Don't touch me.
206
00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:08,863
She's gonna miss me.
207
00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:11,556
You can edit
this, right, Matthew?
208
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:15,603
I can't wait to spend
some time alone with you.
209
00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:17,566
We never get
to talk anymore.
210
00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:19,165
You know we're not
having sex, right?
211
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,101
What?
212
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,643
Richard, I told you.
I'm uncomfortable.
213
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:27,169
I don't feel sexy.
214
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:30,244
Well, what are
we gonna do the
whole time, talk?
215
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:33,913
Actually, I'm a little
sick of that, too.
216
00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:37,924
I'm looking forward to
five silent, sexless days.
217
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:40,718
You ruin everything.
218
00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:45,931
What is taking so long?
219
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,596
This line hasn't moved
in 20 minutes.
220
00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:51,996
By the time we get there,
my tan is gonna be gone.
221
00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:55,839
But hopefully,
the smell will be
with you forever.
222
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:59,306
I mean, seriously, you smell
like old pork lo mein.
223
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:03,612
Hey... What?!
224
00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:05,311
There's a line!
225
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,952
Who the hell do these people
think they are?
226
00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:09,978
Here you go-- we have
30 pieces of luggage.
227
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:10,923
Lindsay, it's me.
228
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,788
It's Christine.
229
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,116
Oh, Christine.
230
00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:15,621
I forgot you worked
at the airport.
231
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,657
Here's a dollar.
232
00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:19,859
Make sure our luggage
doesn't get scratched.
233
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:26,232
We can edit that, right?
234
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:32,842
Thank you.
Have a nice trip.
235
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,980
Yeah, it's not gonna be.
236
00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:39,648
Ticket and I.D., please.
237
00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:41,647
Oh, no.
238
00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:43,679
Oh, Richard, I think I left
my wallet at Old Christine's.
239
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:46,254
I took it out for a second
to make sure I had everything,
240
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,093
and I left it on the table.
241
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,388
Hey, what's going on?
242
00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:51,019
You're holding up
the line here.
243
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,664
New Christine left her wallet
at your house.
244
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,090
She doesn't have any I.D.
245
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,034
Or sex drive.
246
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,669
Okay, I'll handle this.
247
00:09:58,666 --> 00:10:00,666
Okay, uh, she's okay.
248
00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:01,798
She's with us.
249
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,172
We're on a family vacation.
250
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:05,040
I mean,
she's not technically family,
251
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,768
but she's got, like,
half a million miles
252
00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:07,884
in her Mile-High Club account,
253
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:09,935
so, here's my I.D.
254
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,383
I need to see her I.D.
255
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,248
Yeah, okay,
here's the thing--
256
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,376
she doesn't really
have an I.D.,
257
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:16,682
but I can vouch for her.
258
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:18,994
Her name is New Christine.
259
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:21,016
New Christine what?
260
00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:24,061
Uh, oh, let... it's, uh...
261
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,057
uh, Himmner.
262
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,188
No, no, no, Himmel.
263
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:27,763
No, no, Hammer.
264
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:29,361
Yeah, yeah, it's
New Christine Hammer.
265
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:32,272
What's the matter
with you? It's Harper.
266
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:33,365
No, it's not.
267
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:34,366
God, you guys!
268
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:35,797
It's Hunter.
269
00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:37,303
Christine Marcia Hunter.
270
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,244
No, it's not.
271
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:43,714
Christine Marcia Hopper?
272
00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:45,011
Hooper?
273
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,882
My middle name is Liesl.
274
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,281
Liesl?!
275
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:50,752
Oy.
276
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:53,291
Okay, so, are we good here?
277
00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:54,386
Sure, go ahead.
278
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:55,957
Of course
you're not good.
279
00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,756
I can't let her
on the flight without I.D.
280
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:59,128
And there's no food beyond
this point,
281
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,726
so wherever you're hiding that
Chinese food,
282
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:01,928
you better get rid of it.
283
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:07,427
I need you to move
off to the side.
284
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:09,044
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
285
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:10,736
But are we going
to make our flight?
286
00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:11,738
Not my problem.
287
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:12,939
Oh, but please.
288
00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:13,940
This is our
family vacation.
289
00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:15,341
It's our first one.
290
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,842
Oh, you're kidding.
No.
291
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,284
Your first family vacation?
Yeah.
292
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,748
Then you move to the
first family vacation line.
293
00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:20,747
Oh, thank you.
294
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,318
I appreciate that.
295
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:24,785
Oh, wait-- you're being
an ass again, right?
296
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:25,985
Okay, never mind.
297
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,463
(cell phone ringing)
298
00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:43,869
Damn, Christine.
299
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:45,971
You ruin everything.
300
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,780
Come on, baby.
301
00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:57,022
Middle names don't
mean anything.
302
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:59,317
I know everything
else about you.
303
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,859
I know your favorite ice
cream is pecan praline.
304
00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:04,155
And that you broke
your ankle ice skating
305
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,827
when you were
eight years old.
306
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,796
And that you're
very, very ticklish
307
00:12:07,795 --> 00:12:09,125
at the small
of your back.
308
00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:12,469
That's weird-- she's
the exact same as me.
309
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:22,179
Oh... Oh, no.
310
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:26,948
MATTHEW:
Ah, there he is.
311
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,147
The whole reason
we're doing this.
312
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:29,118
Are you having
fun, buddy?
313
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,816
No. Are you?
314
00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,048
Can't say.
315
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:34,222
I don't know how
to edit this.
316
00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,321
Come on, give
me a smile.
317
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:41,228
There's that smile.
318
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:43,898
CHRISTINE: Oh, great,
Barb is here.
319
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:46,127
Okay, Florida,
here we come.
320
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,973
Vacation
starts now.
321
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:50,068
Uh-oh.
322
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:52,470
Oh, I think I just
started my period.
323
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:56,837
Okay... Vacation starts
324
00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:58,854
right after I get back
from the bathroom.
325
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,549
Thank you so much
for bringing this.
326
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,920
I'm so sorry to bother you
on your vacation.
327
00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:07,219
When I realized
there was a chance
328
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,090
of you coming
back to the house,
329
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:12,389
I called my cousin to get
a police escort over here.
330
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,902
Your cousin's a cop?
331
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:17,025
He has a badge.
332
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:21,268
Okay, okay,
great news.
333
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:22,968
False alarm.
334
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,340
It was just my tan
dripping down my leg.
335
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:27,568
Okay.
336
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:30,144
Vacation starts now.
337
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:41,550
Okay, uh, tape two, take one.
338
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,594
Um... well,
we're almost on the plane.
339
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:46,590
We're going to put
our rough start behind us.
340
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,503
Ritchie!
341
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:51,455
Okay, we're going to talk
about this after the vacation.
342
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:52,604
(clears throat)
343
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,429
Okay.
344
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:57,344
Tape two, take two.
345
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:02,136
In two hours,
we're gonna be in Florida.
346
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:03,582
MATTHEW:
It's a five-hour flight.
347
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:05,246
Oh, right.
Because of the time change?
348
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,945
Aah! Matthew!
349
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,978
God!
350
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:11,353
There's a problem.
351
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:12,991
The flight's
overbooked.
352
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,546
And since we were
the last people to check in,
353
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,294
one of us is gonna
have to get bumped.
354
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:17,359
(groans)
355
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,257
One of us, huh?
356
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:21,259
I wonder how we're
gonna decide that.
357
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:24,095
Me?
358
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,997
Oh, thank you.
359
00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:28,599
That's
the right thing to do.
360
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,171
Are you kidding?
361
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:31,340
You're using my miles
for this trip.
362
00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:32,438
Oh, come on.
363
00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:34,239
You're the logical choice.
364
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:35,941
I mean, who else
is going to stay?
I'll stay.
365
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:38,183
I'll stay.
I'll stay.
366
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:39,508
You guys, come on.
367
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:42,282
That really hurts my
feelings, all right?
368
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:44,482
Please try to be a
little more sensitive.
369
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:47,024
No, preg-o is staying
'cause she's not family.
370
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:49,120
She doesn't go,
I don't go.
371
00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:51,122
No, Richard.
You have to go.
372
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:52,464
It's your son's
first family vacation.
373
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:54,059
I didn't really
want to go, anyway.
374
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:55,601
Neither did I.
Neither did I.
375
00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:56,995
Neither did I.
376
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:59,597
Hey! Hurtful!
377
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:02,199
Have you decided who in your
party is going to stay?
378
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:04,072
Me, I guess.
All right.
379
00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:05,571
Well, here's your
first class voucher,
380
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,172
good for your next flight,
381
00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:10,084
and a $20 coupon for
any TGIF in any airport.
382
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,647
Oh! TGIF...?
383
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:15,975
God.
384
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,683
Honey, are you sure
you're okay with that?
385
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:19,554
I'm fine.
I just need to find a way home.
386
00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:21,022
Oh, I'll call Barb.
387
00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:22,591
No, I don't want
to bother her again.
388
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:24,419
Oh, please.
It's not a bother.
389
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,334
She's not doing anything.
390
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:30,225
Just sitting around,
drinking all my booze.
391
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:34,403
(ringing)
392
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,101
Do you need
to get that?
393
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:39,013
No. There's only
one person that could be.
394
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:43,511
(ringing)
395
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,010
Are you sure?
396
00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:47,382
You're getting so tense.
397
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:50,050
Your-Your back is actually
starting to hurt my hands.
398
00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:54,051
I'm fine.
Just keep going.
399
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,524
(chiming)
400
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,362
Christine!
(groans)
401
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,188
I'm bored.
402
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:01,263
We've been
here forever.
403
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:02,631
I know, bud.
404
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,099
It's been a long day
for all of us, okay?
405
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:08,698
I blew my nose
and it came out orange.
406
00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:15,208
I don't know how
my tan got on the inside.
407
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,446
Okay, so did you find out
what's taking so long?
408
00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:20,275
There's
a problem.
409
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,550
Our flight's been delayed
because of a snowstorm.
410
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:23,178
What? In Florida?
411
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:24,753
No, in Toronto.
412
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:26,691
That's the route you take
when you use free miles
413
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,716
on an airline
called Shanniff.
414
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:31,693
Well, how long is the delay?
415
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,431
Five hours.
416
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,056
But then there's another
20 hours on the plane.
417
00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,332
That's assuming you
make your connection
418
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,699
from Toronto
to Salt Lake City.
419
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,228
Salt Lake City?!
420
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:43,143
That's Shanniff's hub.
421
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:44,396
Can we please
just go home?
422
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:45,644
Yeah, I want
to go, too.
423
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:46,708
I feel bad about
New Christine.
424
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,306
No. Come on.
425
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,378
We are going
on a family vacation,
426
00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:50,706
just like everybody else does.
427
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,650
Okay? We're gonna stay up late,
428
00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:55,145
we're gonna order room service,
we're gonna play card games,
429
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:57,478
we're gonna go swimming in
the ocean, go water-boarding...
430
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:58,554
I don't think
that's what you mean.
431
00:16:58,551 --> 00:16:59,591
Okay.
432
00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:01,386
Shut up! Okay?
433
00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:03,458
Shut up!
This is important to me.
434
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:05,086
And it's important
to Ritchie.
435
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,232
And I don't want
his only memories to be
436
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:07,756
that we never went anywhere
437
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,560
because his mother had
to work every day.
438
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:12,172
I don't think anyone's going
to be remembering that.
439
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:14,095
Come on, now,
you know what?
440
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:15,541
I know this
hasn't been easy,
441
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,395
but when are things
ever easy for us? Okay?
442
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:19,314
We're going
on a family vacation.
443
00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:20,466
We can do this.
444
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:21,673
You know what?
Maybe we can't.
445
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:23,484
Maybe we're not
strong enough.
446
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:27,146
Maybe, maybe we're not cut out
for family vacations.
447
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,717
Oh, don't be silly.
448
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,715
In a couple hours,
we're gonna be on our plane,
449
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,547
we're gonna
be drinking our wine,
450
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,122
we're gonna be laughing
about how funny all this was.
451
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,592
Oh, we won't
be having any wine.
452
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:37,859
Why not?
453
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:40,257
Shanniff is
a dry airline.
454
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:43,331
I think they're
Mormons.
455
00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:47,170
All right, I'm calling Barb
to come pick us up.
456
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,297
We're going home, bud.
457
00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:52,838
I can't believe
they went without me.
458
00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:56,139
I can't believe
you're upset.
459
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:58,647
I don't think
they're ever going
460
00:17:58,645 --> 00:18:00,345
to consider me
part of their family.
461
00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:03,217
Congratulations.
462
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:05,446
Why would you want to
be part of that family?
463
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:08,492
They ruin everything.
464
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:10,358
If you're not part
of the family,
465
00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:12,657
then you can't be part
of the family feuds,
466
00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:14,659
they can't ask for money,
467
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:18,601
you don't have to help them
find their car at the mall...
468
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,428
Except for the occasional
Al-Anon meeting,
469
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:22,704
you're off the hook.
470
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:28,414
Stay on the outside
as long as you can.
471
00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,842
(cell phone ringing)
472
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:34,284
Outside.
473
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,287
Barb?
474
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:43,919
CHRISTINE:
What the hell?
475
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,563
Why didn't you
answer your phone?
476
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:49,599
God! I had to call
a taxi to get home.
477
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,356
Shut up.
478
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:54,273
What?
479
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,397
What did she just say?
480
00:18:55,402 --> 00:18:56,572
She has a name.
481
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:57,669
It's New Christine.
482
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,770
And she said "shut up."
483
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:02,312
What is going
on with her?
484
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,209
Barb, what
did you do to her?
485
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:05,851
I set her free.
486
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,577
Oh, well, this is just great.
487
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:11,382
No family vacation.
488
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:13,554
New Christine's all mouthy.
489
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,663
I peed orange.
490
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,933
And all I wanted to do
491
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:21,755
was have Ritchie be able
to put a pin in another country.
492
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:24,861
You know Florida's
not another country, right?
493
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,796
Well, I could lie
and say that I did,
494
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,471
but I think we both
know the truth.
495
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:33,740
You're an idiot.
496
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:37,410
Barb, you have to put her back
the way she was.
497
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:40,310
God, I'm having
the worst day.
498
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:44,283
All I wanted to do was
something nice for my son.
499
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:45,794
All right, fine.
500
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,245
Let's go for a drive.
501
00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:48,764
What? Why?
502
00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:50,785
We're going
to fix this right now.
503
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:52,860
We're getting
Ritchie that pin.
504
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,634
What business do
you have in Mexico?
505
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:58,369
Um, we're just going
to make a U-turn,
506
00:19:58,365 --> 00:19:59,865
so we can get a pin.
507
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,440
Gracias.
33045
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