Original subtitles

That's French. Ooh, what a lovely croissant.

I especially like it when they're French.

We'll start with the French toast, French fries, and French bread.

And for dessert, we'll have the French silk pie with French roast coffee.

Merci.

Happy Bastille Day, darling.

Ah, the wonderful celebration of the overthrow of the French aristocracy,

the storming of the prisons, and the beheading of the gods.

And French independence.

That too.

I can't wait!

I only hope they post more guards this year.

Last time it wasn't much of a challenge.

Ooh, how do you plan on breaking down the gate? Battering Ram or Ken?

I couldn't decide, and that's why I invented the batter!

I thought you'd never ask.

Please, allow me to demonstrate.

Sorry.

Ooh, vive la France.

Shh, that's French.

It's the Addams Family!

I think about it, and yeah, it makes sense.

Follow me.

I think this is gonna be the best Bastille Day ever.

I don't know.

It's going to be awfully hard to top that first one.

Visitor.

Hello, I'm Gomez Adams. This is my lovely wife, Morticia, my fascinating brother,

Fester, and my bewitching mother, Eudora.

Welcome to our home. I don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting.

You are... Death.

Any relation to the Boston deaths?

I don't think so, Mama. They were all very short.

Sorry, Gomez. I almost impaled you with my pitchfork. That's okay, Fester.

You can get me next time.

Oh, Mr. Death, I'm afraid you caught us at a bad time.

We're making preparations for our annual Bastille Day celebration.

The children are polishing the ceremonial guillotine.

I'm dying to see it!

Ah, children! How's the guillotine coming along?

We seem to have a small problem.

It stuck. It was working fine yesterday. We're not sure what's wrong.

Let me take a look.

Be very precise with a guillotine.

Hmm.

Maybe the guide flange is too tight.

Screwdriver. Screwdriver.

That ought to do it.

Thank you, Father.

Carry on, children. Curses.

Ah, Mr. Death. Are you looking for me? Well, if you want to talk,

we'll have to do it on the run.

There's still plenty to do to get ready for our Bastille Day celebration.

Okay, Pugsley, now it's your turn.

There you are, darling. Would you please hang this flag outside the window?

Of course, Karina. Excuse me just one more minute, and I'll be right with you.

Look at that! Gomez! Are you alright?

Yes!

I'm fine!

But the rain gutters need to be stuffed with leaves again!

Would you be so kind as to pull me back in? Certainly, darling.

That was a close call, Karina. I almost met the Grim Reaper that time.

Well, Mr. Death, I'm all yours. Let's go downstairs

where it's more uncomfortable. Capital idea, Karina.

Mother Nature told me there'd be days like this.

Is everything ready, Lurch?

Then let the celebration begin.

Ah, good evening.

Merry Bastille Day. Ah, Tish, I'm the luckiest man alive.

Ah, Mr. Dead. Would you care to join us?

This is going to be one party you'll never forget.

I am not here for the party.

Oh, what did you come for?

I didn't quite get that. Well, with the echo and all.

What did you say?

I have come for you.

Oh, something about a shoe. Oh.

Try talking a little slower.

What makes gum clouds blue? I don't know.

The heck with this.

I said I have come for you, Gomez Adams.

You know, you look much taller with your hood on.

I hear that all the time. I am deaf!

The Grim Reaper, keeper of the netherworld. Whenever someone dies,

I escort them to the afterlife. Surely you've heard of

me before. Well, of course, but I'm fit as a fiddle.

I'm afraid you're out of tune and out of time.

But if I die, what do I have to live for?

This is so sudden, must you take him now?

Sorry, there's nothing I can do about it.

It's a whole balance of the universe thing.

Is it the cigars? Because I'll quit if it is.

Well, do I get at least a chance to say goodbye to my family?

Look, if I had a nickel for everyone who's asked me that, whoa! Please.

Well... I guess a few more minutes wouldn't do any harm.

Thank you.

I can't tell you what that means to us!

Well, me at least.

Does this mean Baldur's gonna miss the party?

Over his dead body.

Oh, Gomez, I always knew this day would come,

but I can't believe it's here already.

You'll miss seeing the children become rebellious teenagers,

then dysfunctional adults, and neglectful parents.

Ah, querida.

It's like death said, it's my time. And as appealing as our problems may be,

they don't amount to a hill of beans in the balance of the universe.

I'm so glad we had so many unpleasant times together.

Yeah.

Well, you know.

Gomez, you better hurry if you want to say goodbye to the rest of your family.

I know, but... Don't worry.

I'll see Morticia is adequately consoled.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Which one is it?

That big old one.

The Complete Moron's Guide to Death. Thank you, Pugsley.

You're welcome.

Come now, Mr. Death, surely you know this word.

Is there an X?

I'm afraid not, and you already guessed that.

The answer is rigor mortis.

You lose, again. I'm beginning to think you like seeing the little man swing.

I can't lose more, Tisha. Not while I'm sitting here with you.

So you must meet a lot of interesting people.

Oh, interesting, boring. I pretty much meet them all,

but no one pales in comparison to you.

Has anyone ever told you your eyes are like vacuous pools of obsidian?

Why, yes.

But a woman always enjoys a compliment.

Buster! Mama! I see your heart of work coming up

with a spell to free me from death's icy grip!

I'm afraid there is no spell for that.

But don't worry, son. As soon as you're dead, I'll bring you back.

Though it might be as a toad, or a rotting, flesh-eating zombie.

Never mind.

So what are you doing?

We're working on the party poppers for the Bastille Day celebration.

Festivities must go on. Gomez would have liked it that way.

Fester, I'm still here.

Well, I guess not for long.

So long, Fester.

I know. Why?

I never said goodbye to the children!

You should have thought of that before. We love the house. Come.

Wednesday, Pugsley, I'm gonna miss you both very much.

You might not have to go. I've been doing some research,

and although Pugsley can't take your place, unfortunately, you can challenge death.

Is this true? Why didn't you say so before?

Well, it's not something I'd like to advertise. Otherwise,

everyone would be doing it.

Let me get this straight. If I challenge you and win, I get to stay? Technically,

yes. In that case, Death, I challenge you!

Are you ready, old challenger of death? I am. Then

let the death-castellon begin. Catchy name.

Thank you.

And now, it's time to play You Bet Your Soul!

If I say the secret word, do I get an extra hundred years?

Well, everyone's a comedian. Our lovely hostess may select the first event.

Heads or tails?

Heads or tails?

Heads! Heads!

Heads! Heads!

And the next event is... Cut the Deck.

You suicide king.

Now it's your turn to cut the debt.

Try this.

You can't miss.

Ah, the Ace of Spades! Ah, Mr. Death, looks like my lucky day.

Other than the fact that you showed up on my doorstep

and told me my life is over, that is.

The bone-chilling suspense is filling the Addams house here in the dungeon.

That's right, Morticia. It's been a grueling competition,

but Gomez Addams is clearly killing Death.

We're down to the final event of the Death Cathalon. It's worth three points,

so it's still anyone's battle to win.

Then why bother doing the other two?

Ratings.

Oh, Mr. Death!

How many other people have beaten you?

None.

And the final event is...

Jousting. Perfect. On a tightrope. That just makes it easier.

Over a bottomless chasm. Is that the best you can do?

Wearing clown shoes.

You fiend! My one irrational, unexplainable, morbid phobia is wearing clown shoes!

You can still beat him, son. You think so, Mama? No,

but I'm just trying to be a supportive mother.

Well, try harder.

It says here, when battling for your immortal soul, don't look down.

Or else...

I can't watch.

Neither can I. Down in front, I can't see.

Any last words, Gomez?

I just want to thank everyone for making my life unbearably miserable.

I'm so glad we had this time together. Now we're not stalling.

Let the game begin.

These cloud tubes aren't so bad. They're actually quite comfortable.

Pity you won't have time to get used to them. Come on, chat!

There's enough clowning around, it's time to fall! After you!

I love you, Mouche. Tess, that's French.

Remember, Father, when battling for your immortal soul, don't look down.

Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, don't look down,

don't look down. What are you saying? Don't look down, don't look down.

I know.

Gomez, you won! That's right, Tish! Gomez, you won! Of course, querida!

Oh, did you ever think I let a little thing like dying come between us?

Oh!

I can't watch. Neither can I.

Come on, everybody. If we hurry,

we can get to the prison before they lock down

for the night. Right behind you, sister. Wait.

Where are the children? We're right here.

Wednesday, Pugsley, what have you got there? We carved a tombstone for Father,

just in case he didn't win.

Children?

That was very thoughtful of you. Six feet under,

you will find Gomez Adams one of a kind.

Looks like you'll have to save your pool bear's glove for another time.

I'm sorry, Thing, but I'm an Adam,

and it'll take more than that to get rid of one of us.

Come on, everybody!