Original subtitles

Oh, Gomez, this place looks dreadful.

Good work, everyone.

The Joneses will be here any minute!

How do I look? Should I put on a more expensive suit?

What about the house? Is it big enough? Should I build another wing?

Should I restock the swamp with piranhas?

Here we go again. Gomez, you promised. No more competing with Cousin Ramon.

I'm getting tired of listening to Putrescent's boast whenever he wins.

So Ramon beats me once in a while.

Like when he beat you at musical electrical chairs last year.

It was javelin catching the year before that.

Didn't he learn to tie his shoes before you?

Is he funnier than you? All right, all right.

All right, querida.

For you, I promise, no more ruthless competing.

Right after I win that first round of grenade tag.

We've been practicing all week. Gomez,

the only way to ensure Ramon doesn't beat you is if you stop competing.

But... No buts.

Now put that grenade away.

And make sure it's someplace the children can find it.

The Addams Family, how you do The Addams Family Come into The Addams Family

It's the Addams Family!

Welcome to the Addams Family, going to the Addams Family,

coming to the Addams Family now!

You dress up a little Monday. It's so good to see you again. Morticia,

you look like you haven't slept in weeks. You're too kind.

I'm sure I only look like I haven't slept in days.

Hello, Monday. Wednesday, I brought my new doll.

Let's go play.

Bravo!

So good to see you. Not as good as it is to see you, Gomez. Oh,

you are looking a little out of shape there, old man. Not at all,

but I can't believe yours feels a little weak.

Ooh, Patricia, I love what you've done with the foyer. Thank you. It's bellissimo.

Tres, that is Italian.

Sissi.

You know what that does to me.

Morticia, you know what it does to me when you speak French.

Gomez, I didn't say a word.

Have you done something different with your hair, Morticia? Oh,

crude oil conditioner. You really must try it sometime.

Dinner.

First one there's the rotten egg!

More of the bat wings, please, Angela.

Coming right up. Me too, Mama. Who is?

I'm hungry.

And where is your abhorrent son, Piddly?

Retention? Recovery room.

County General. And there were no witnesses.

I noticed Pugsy looks... healthy.

I thought he'd be more fun for us to chase that way.

I've only got one left.

102 bat wings.

That's got to be a world record.

I'll look it up in this world record book that I just happen to have on my lap.

Well, actually, the record is 103. How do you know?

He holds it.

Anyone have an antacid?

I always find it helps my digestion if I do a few calisthenics after a big meal.

A little after-dinner exercise never hurts.

Then you're not doing it right.

Nice form, but you didn't get very much height on your dismount.

I can jump higher than you.

Listen to our boys. Honestly, I don't know what gets into them.

I told Gomez to stop competing with Ramon, but he just won't listen.

Mother, can I sleep over tonight?

If it's all right with cousin Leticia.

Of course.

I'll have Lurch set up the cart of nails.

Excellent.

Why can't our husbands behave more like children?

I hurt my foot. I think I broke my leg.

Gomez, you promised. No more silly competitions. Now apologize to Ramon.

And Ramon, apologize to Gomez.

I'm sorry. I'm even sorry.

It was lovely seeing you again. Thank you so much for having us, Morticia.

I'll have Lurch bring Monday home tomorrow afternoon.

Don't bother. I'll come to get her.

So, Gomez, what do you think of my new roadster?

She does zero to 60 in six seconds.

Well, ours can do it in five.

With the emergency brake on!

Is that so?

Maybe we should have a race.

Any time, any place.

Well then, I'll see you tomorrow afternoon.

You're on!

But darling, we don't know how to drive. Miller, is that?

Oh, what an unpleasant surprise.

Morticia, I just wanted to apologize for Ramon's behavior last night. Apologize?

Oh, dear, putrescence, I should be the one who's apologizing.

Gomez can be so immature sometimes.

When he comes to be mature, Gomez can't hold a candle to my Ramon.

Is this such a pathetic little baby? Oh, I don't know.

I'd say my Gomez is at least twice as pathetic as Ramon.

Nonsense. Ramon is at least five times as pathetic as Gomez.

Gomez is a hundred times. Two hundred.

A thousand, two thousand, a million, a trillion, a zillion, infinity. Cute.

I'm afraid Ramon's competitiveness is rubbing off on me. Oh, me too.

This silly race has put us both on edge.

We should get them to call the whole thing off.

Yes, we should. After all,

I'd hate to see Gomez embarrassed in front of the children.

Embarrassed?

Come now, Morticia. We both know Ramon's going to win the race.

Ramon beats Gomez at absolutely everything.

The only reason Ramon wins everything is because Gomez feels sorry for him.

Why, my Gomez is twice the man Ramon is,

and he's going to drive circles around your husband.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Thank you.

Wednesday, I thought we were going to play hunt and defenseless play.

In a minute, Pugsley.

These are the rules.

There are no rules.

You have 30 seconds.

29, 28, nevermind. 27, 26, two, one. Ready or not, here we come.

Leave your blazers on, Gomez.

Grind those gears.

Slow down. Oh, the driving lesson's coming up. Splendid, Columbia.

This is an excellent instructor.

Attaboy, Gomez. Now it's time to try parallel parking.

We're making great progress, Morticia.

I'll have Gomez zipping around blind curves in less than a month. Mister,

the race is this afternoon.

Oh, in that case, whoops.

Goonies, we've got to get you behind the wheel of a real car.

You're going to be from home, Joe, if it's the last thing you do.

Well, old man, tell me everything I need to know about the car.

I think I can remember that. Okay, Gomez, start her up.

Gomez, that's the radio. Turn the key in the ignition.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness history.

Gomez Adams is about to conquer the automobile. I feel the need, the need for speed.

He's doing better than I thought he would. He's driving. Go, Gomez, go!

There's nothing ahead of you but miles of open road.

And my chicken coop.

Hopefully he's got to be around here somewhere. Don't worry, we'll find him.

He still doesn't know the meaning of the word pain.

He doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.

It's tool time.

Somebody drop something? Uh-oh.

Go, ladies. Are you sure you're going to be all right?

I'm fine, Skipper. Just tell Marianne and Ginger I put the coconuts in the lagoon.

Gomez, it's me, Morticia.

Fish, did you see me?

I drove nearly a block, a personal best.

Where did the walls go?

What are you talking about, darling?

Tish, where are you?

I'm right here, Gomez.

Winning this race might be a little more complicated than I thought.

I seem to have gone a little... Blind.

So? He couldn't drive before.

I can't let this stop me.

The race must go on. But Gomez, you can't see. Can't eat it.

My other four senses are so finely tuned, so heightened, that I don't meet my eyes.

Excuse me, Lurch, old man.

And that, my good family,

is what would happen if my other senses weren't so finely tuned.

Oh, Wednesday, I'm sorry.

You're going up so fast. And those teeth are sharpening up nicely.

Please, darling, you have nothing to prove.

Everyone in this family knows you're the better man.

Isn't that right, everyone?

I appreciate your support, but this is something I have to do.

Won't you reconsider?

Oh, my.

Gomez is going to need all the help he can get to win this race.

Is everything ready? Oh, yes. I put air in the gas tank and filled the tires.

And I prepared his last will and testament. That won't be necessary.

Ramone Jones is never going to see me coming.

Then again, I can't see where I'm going.

What are we waiting for, Ramon? I don't want to

just sit here all day. I've got a race to win.

I'd be happy to start the race, Gomez, as soon as you get out of my car.

Your car?

Of course! Just using a little psychological warfare. Just playing some mind games.

Just trying to break your concentration. And my foot. All part of the plan, Ramon.

All part of...

Gentlemen, start your engines.

Right, start the car.

I can feed you with my eyes closed.

Of course, that would be redundant right now.

You'll never win, Adam.

What's that about my shins?

I said you'll never win! Win, win!

I'm sorry, old man! I can't hear you above

the roar of my extremely powerful engines!

Is father winning? Honestly, we're a Wednesday in London.

Beats me.

Ready!

I think about it, and yeah, it makes sense.

Who turned out the lights?

I can see! I can see!

Congratulations, Ramon, you've won the race. What are you talking about?

Gomez clearly hit the wall first. Ramon hit the ground first.

Portiship, Eutressens, please, stop arguing. Yes,

I think this race is to us both a valuable lesson.

Yes, absolutely, old man.

It's not whether you win or lose. It's how many balls you break.

And the doctor said we both had the same exact number of fractures.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

First one in the conservatory and back is the better man. Ha, ha, ha.