Original subtitles

It's a racket. Have you seen my tennis racket? No.

Maybe you put it someplace safe.

Of course. That's it.

There's something else in here.

Is this yours, woman? I've never seen it before.

I think it's an old treasure chest.

Can't be silly enough to put treasure in a safe.

Danger.

Oh, gee, who dare open this?

How can we resist an invitation like that?

It's what I call treasure.

Welcome to the Addams Family.

How you do the Addams Family? Come into the Addams Family.

It's the Addams Family!

Welcome to the Addams Family, going to the Addams Family,

coming to the Addams Family now! Snap, snap!

Who was I, Fish?

Oh!

Hey, everybody. Look what we found. A treasure chest.

Oh, wow.

Look at all this stuff.

A jeweled dagger.

The famous pirate? Yes, he was your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather.

How did he get to be so great? Well, it happened a long time ago,

and I'm afraid his story was lost.

Until now, the tale of Long John Adams by Long John Adams

is told to Long John Adams.

Copyright $60.99. All rights reserved.

Call me Long John Adams, and this is my story.

It was 16 years ago.

I'm coming! I'm coming! Keep your pantaloons on!

If you're selling ghoul-style cookies, we already got some.

Wait, we bring news from the harbor. Long John Adams

has returned. So soon? What truth have you?

All right.

He ravages me.

He ravages me not. He ravages me. He ravages me not. He ravages me.

Sadie Penelope.

There is news.

My suitor, Lone John, has returned.

Still, I'll not marry him until he proves himself the best pirate on the seven seas.

Well, I hope he has. I can't take many more of his telegrams.

You have to do that? I'm a swashbuckler. I have to buckle my swash.

Well, Pinky, here we go again.

Let's just hope this time Long John convinces Penelope

to marry him. Well, Curly, how do I look?

Fierce, depraved, and nefarious. What woman could

resist that? Ah, Seahag. Good to see you.

Long, John. Maybe you should come back later.

You'll have to excuse Pinky.

He gets a little nervous every time the governor is mentioned.

Ever since that heartless scoundrel cut him off.

Literally. Did the governor bring his guards?

No, he's alone. Well, in that case, I'm on a quest for love, and no man can stop me.

Right. As long as he's alone and unarmed.

I heard that.

Lady Penelope, you're still looking as entranced as ever.

What will it take to make you my bride?

Oh, Governor, you know I could only fall in love with a pirate.

Oh, but my dear, I'm a politician.

I make a lot more than a pirate.

Almost as corrupt with an excellent dental plan.

That sounds tempting.

Still, there's something about the smell of salt, air,

and dead fish that drives me wild.

Is that cursed long John Adams that holds prisoner your heart, isn't it?

Perhaps.

What was that?

Nothing.

Please, leave me now.

Yes, for now.

But first, I will rid the seas of that vile pirate Long John.

And then you shall change your mind about...

Long John, is that you?

That statue wasn't here last time, was it?

Oh, my love, I'm so glad you're back. But you must be careful.

The governor's intent on seeing you behind bars.

And to think I voted for him in the last election.

Twice.

Have you brought me treasure to prove what a masterful pirate you are?

Isn't my love for you treasure enough?

But seriously, open the chest and show me all you've plundered to win my hand.

Yes, about that.

Is something wrong?

Wrong? What could possibly be wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

Is anything wrong? Is anything wrong?

Well, you did bring me treasure. Oh, we've got treasure.

More than you can imagine. And then some.

Where is it?

In the hold of the ship of the Dread Pirates, Sylvia.

Thanks for breaking it to her gently.

Is that true? Another pirate has bested you?

If you call boarding our ship scaring off the

crew and stealing all our treasure besting. I do.

Oh.

Well, in that case, I did manage to save one thing for you.

And a great pearl to my own life, I might add.

Very nice.

But until you prove yourself to be the best pirate of the sea,

you shall not have my hand.

Here, you might need this.

Oh, that went well.

Well, you know what that means. Time to get a

new girlfriend? No, time to get a new crew.

Come on, let's go down to the old union hiring hall.

In order to win the hand of a fair Penelope,

I must defeat the dread pirate Sylvia and prove

I'm the greatest buccaneer that ever lived!

That's gotta hurt. The Basky Lovers! Are you ready for a life of adventure?

Who's ready to pilfer and plunder?

Who's ready to risk their lives sailing for weeks on end

with nothing to do but swab the decks and compare stars?

Who's ready to be torn apart and fed to the sharks by the dread pirate Sylvia?

I think you oversold it. Sorry. That's all you'll want to be pirates, eh?

Do you have any pirating skills?

I can lock the plank.

Don't you mean you can make other people lock the plank? No, that's my job.

Welcome to my crew!

Now, I can't promise you I'll come back alive, but for those of you who survive,

this voyage will make you the richest pirate beyond your wildest dreams,

and the most famous pirate to ever sail the seven seas!

No!

Oh, great. Two kids and a guy named Shorty.

Are we famous yet?

Curse that red pirate, Sylvia.

She took my crew, sunk my ship, and stole my prize jeweled dagger.

Could be worse.

How could it possibly be any worse than this?

Could be raining.

Put that there. Guts?

Long John and Curly Adams, you're under arrest

for piracy on the high seas. You have no proof.

Yeah, the dread pirate Sylvia stole all our loot. Why don't you go arrest her?

Because you're much easier to catch.

I wouldn't worry about Penelope.

I will see to it that she's... well looked after.

Do you really think there's been a dungeon built

or chains forged that can hold long John Adams?

Guts.

I guess there has.

Pirates.

Well, this isn't so bad.

Kind of cozy, actually.

Plus, we get tortured for the rest of our lives,

eating only scraps and whatever bugs we can catch.

So, what are you in for?

Treason?

Pilfering?

Securities fraud?

Shy walking? Boy, that governor's tougher than I thought.

How long you been here? Not as long as that guy.

Well, I guess you're going to tell me it could be worse. Give me a minute.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

I'm thinking.

Question for you.

How did you get out of your chains?

I picked the lock with my hook.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Don't do that.

I'm an old woman with a weak heart and a concealed

machete. Oh, I'll keep that in mind.

So, how did it go with Long John? Word at the well is that you sank his ship.

It was an accident.

I gave him every opportunity to beat me.

Captain Kangaroo would have made a better pirate.

I don't know why you keep teasing the poor man.

You should just tell him who you really are.

I'm afraid it would break his heart if he knew

that his beloved Penelope was in reality.

A Dread Pirate Sylvia!

I have got to get a new entrance!

What's wrong, John?

The governor's going to know we've escaped.

This is going to be the first place he comes to look for us.

I suggest we get out of here. I'm thinking Barbados.

Not until I've seen Lady Penelope.

The mere sight of her will give me the strength to continue me quest.

Pinky, my right-hand man! Where have you been? Me dagger! How did you get it?

The Dread Pirate Sylvia! Where is she? What? Lady Penelope is?

In reality? A Dread Pirate!

Spirit, Sylvia!

In all this time, you've been playing me for a fool.

Well, I guess that's that. We better hurry up.

We're gonna catch a 7.30 schooner. No!

We're pirates, and we must get our revenge! Just this once,

can't we be the kind of pirates that let bygones be bygones?

All we have to do is devise an elaborate scheme to unmask Penelope

and get the governor off our backs at the same time. But how?

Curly, I thought you were lost at sea. I found myself.

You're not going to believe what happened to me.

There we were, out in the sea, crashing about.

The waves were crashing against the boat. Thunder was rolling.

Lightning was coming down.

There were giant sharks behind.

Now we've come to pay a visit to Lady Penelope.

We?

Why can't you just walk into a room like any normal person?

Seahag, take us to Lady Penelope at once, and

get me an aspirin. But the governor's here.

I know. I invited him.

It's all part of our elaborate plan.

But aren't you afraid that he'll capture you and lock you away forever?

No one captures long John Adams.

Twice in the same day. Ah!

Hello, John, you're back!

I feared you were dead.

I'll just bet you did. You were both under arrest,

and you will spend the rest of your days in my dungeon.

Does that mean we get our nights free? Not so fast, Governor. I claim the bounty.

Bounty?

Which bounty?

The reward you promised to any man who brought you the Dread Pirate Sylvia.

A reward which, I believe, includes a full pardon and lovely cash prizes. Well,

it does, but in the meantime, where is the Dread Pirate Sylvia?

Next to you, for she is none other than Lady Penelope!

Oh, me, the dread pirate Sylvia.

Goodness, what proof have ye?

I found this, which Sylvia took the night before last.

Well, that only proves that you have found your last dagger.

What about this? The jeweled eyepatch of the Dread Pirate Sylvia,

which Pinkie found in the bedroom of Lady Penelope in her corset drawer.

All the shops on the dock have those.

They're quite the rage all the kids are wearing.

Isn't all right?

Then how do you explain this? Melody!

Oh, my first mate dared me.

They're quite hard to remove. Acid works nicely, and it stains.

I'm sorry, Long John. I didn't want to marry you,

but only when I knew you were my equal.

Well, that might prove a bit difficult with you in prison.

Think again.

Guards! Seize her!

I've got her. Oh, I've got her.

She's good. She's very good.

She's fantastic.

Allow me, Governor. If she wants an equal, then she shall have her wish.

I'm good, my love.

Not bad luck, John, but I really must be going. À bientôt.

That's French.

Don't just stand there. Get her!

You made a no match for me.

Give it up, Penelope!

There's no escape. You underestimate me. Farewell, mon amour.

I love that woman.

Hello.

Long job, Kelly.

You're not here to arrest us, are you? Because technically,

we really did earn that pardon.

Well, you don't have to worry about that.

I've retired as governor.

I think now I'll dedicate my life to sailing the

seven seas in search of that dread pirate, Celia.

Ta-ta.

We're going to have to hurry up and put a ship and a crew

together if we're going to beat the governor to Sylvia.

No, Curly. I'm giving up piracy.

Really?

You could run for governor.

Me?

Governor? Sure, why not?

You know, the only difference between a pirate and a politician is one has a ship.

Arr.

Long John.

I have returned.

Penelope!

I mean, Sylvia! I mean, what are you doing here?

I came to accept your offer of marriage, if you still want me.

But you said you wouldn't marry any man who couldn't equal you in battle!

Catch me if you can!

Alas, I realize that no man can do that.

But you look so cute when you lose.

But now that we've both given up piracy, how are we going to live?

I didn't spend all my treasure on jeweled eye patches and petticoats.

Nice chest.

And with all the treasure Penelope gathered,

no Adams would ever have to work again. And they all lived on happily ever after.

The end.

Quite a wonderful little story, don't you think?

You sure know how to spin a yarn, Long John.