Original subtitles

Okay, here's the play. Bugsley, you distract your sister. Fester, you go along.

What about Morticia's devastating blitz?

She's no match for me. I'm on to her game.

What do you think, girls? Same play as before? Why not? Works every time.

Why are men so predictable? Because it makes it easier for us to control them.

And break!

You're not getting around me, Wednesday. Good. I prefer to go through you.

You're not going to get past me this time, Kavita. No

nonsense, darling. I always win. I'm open!

I'm open!

Now that's what I call a long...

I think about it, and yeah, it makes sense.

I never knew blacksmithing could be so much fun. The blazing heat, the sooty smoke.

Is he accidentally getting hit on the head with a large hammer?

It's the recipe for relaxation.

What an exquisite scale model of the Eiffel Tower.

It was supposed to be a giant squid.

Sportacus Gomez, look!

This one's still withdrawn and quarterly.

America's top ten most electrifying bachelors.

Bester, did you make the list again?

Numero two and climbing.

When I get to numero uno, the women will be beating down my door.

Sounds like they're early.

I got it!

I got it!

Hey, you're not a love-starved female admirer. No, and kindly remember that.

Are you Festa Adams? Yes, I am.

The second most electrifying bachelor in America.

Permit me to introduce myself.

My name is Wilhelm von Trapp, and I am prime minister from the country of Caletonia.

And I have a very unusual and dangerous proposition for you. Unusual and dangerous?

Why, those are two of my favorite things.

So, you see, it is vital that our monarch attend

the peace conference and sign the treaty,

or Calatonia is doomed. Where does my brother come into all of this?

This is King Lester.

Good-looking guy. Hmm.

The resemblance is remarkable.

Fester, he could be your brother. No, he couldn't.

I'm his brother, and this picture doesn't look anything like me.

On the other hand, he could be my brother.

My spies have informed me of a plot to assassinate His Majesty.

He is planning to attend the ballet tonight with

his wife, Queen Helen. But I trust no one.

Not even the Royal Guard.

So you plan to ferret out the assassins by sending Fester instead of the king?

Oh, no!

Not me!

I hate the Bowery.

I understand.

It was presumptuous of me to think you would risk your life for a stranger.

Risk my life?

Why didn't you say so?

Well, how do I look?

Sickly, bloated, and pretentious.

Exactly like a king.

I sure hope so.

I'd hate for Mr. Bontrop to go to all this

trouble and have nobody try to rump me out.

I'm sure they'll be lining up to do you in.

Welcome to our home. I'm Gomez Adams.

I don't think anyone saw us. You should be safe here, sire.

Then get me out of this smothering cloak, you incompetent lackey,

or it's off with your head!

I like him already, whoever he is. Is this the buffoon you expect to pass off as me?

It was short notice, sire, but there is an extraordinary likeness.

Yes, he is a good-looking fellow, but does he have what it takes to be the king?

Dare you question me, you decaffeinated latte?

Up with your cloak!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

This place is filthy! Thank you. Lurch works very hard to keep it that way.

I'd rather face my enemies than spend one night in this candlelit hovel.

You're going to stay here?

Yes, while Fester assumes his majesty's place,

I thought King Lester might stay with you.

That is, if you don't mind.

Of course not. Our candlelit hovel is your candlelit hovel.

Your Highness, with Mr. Adams' help,

I'll be able to ferret out who is plotting against you.

Very well. Then I shall endure this shanty for the time being. Please,

make yourself comfortable.

Are you sure that these people aren't the assassins?

Remember, you don't have to say anything. Just nod. Got you.

Kings really get good seats.

This is the Prince Regent, Julius.

Who's a babe on his arm? That is Queen Helen. Unfortunately,

the peace negotiations have irreparably damaged her marriage to King Lester.

They remain together, but it's all premises only.

Technically, she's available.

Your Highness, I trust you're having an enjoyable evening.

Everything is in place as you requested, Your Highness. Excellent.

Now is the perfect time to eliminate that royal oath.

Once I am in Coletonia, well, to no world power.

Don't worry, he won't make it past the opening curtain.

There's a trap door right beneath his seat.

All I have to do is press this button.

Excuse me, could you tell me where the little king's room is, please?

Right through that door, your majesty. Can't miss it.

I don't know what went wrong. He should have just fallen right through.

You look lovely this evening, your royal whiteness.

Don't speak to me. I'm pretending I'm married to the champion of pirates.

And Paul, His Majesty's royal drink must be tested for safety. What's that?

Nice marrying you, King.

Lucy, look back.

All right.

You are a rude, incorrigible beast of a man.

Thank you. I was starting to think you didn't like me.

Oh, yeah.

What is that infernal racket?

Ah, King Lester! I'm sorry I haven't been more of a host,

but I always try to take a little time out of each day to play with my trains.

Would you care to join me? What?

Play? With toys?

Of course! Aren't kings allowed to have fun?

I don't know. I've never done it before. I've been on the throne since I was six.

Well, come on over and give it a try.

Maybe just a little. After all, you are the king.

Oh, just like this. Now give it some juice.

You're right! This is fun!

You think that's fun?

Try this. What do you think?

I like it!

Amazing. Bouquet of weeds?

Good night, sweet king.

Good night.

Off with your heads!

I proved you. That was a joke. Oh, I'm having so much fun.

I really must do this more often.

Tell me, how often do you and your wife play like this?

Every chance we get.

My Gomez is quite the sportsman, aren't you, Monsieur?

Yes, that's right.

Ah, Gomez, you're the one who truly lives like a king.

Queen Helen would never allow such an open display of affection.

Your Majesty, a woman likes a man who breaks the rules once in a while.

After all, isn't that what romance is all about?

That and a good neighborhood hardware store.

If it's over already, I was just getting dizzy from all the people spinning around.

Oh, Lester, I don't know how or why you've changed, but I love you, Robin.

Let's go back to the embassy and forge an alliance of our own.

What?

Your Highness, we really must get back to our preparations for the conference.

Must we? Yes, sir, we really must. There is still much to do.

Promise me once this conference is over, we'll have some time together.

Just the two of us. I promise, my love.

We'll rendezvous in the morning before the conference.

You didn't need to lay it on so thick with the queen. I can,

but if I like to get the character. Come, Julius.

We're returning to the embassy.

The king won't be joining us this evening.

He won't be.

Come along, boys.

You've got another chance. Oh, goody.

Follow the king, and this time you better get rid of him, or I shall get rid of you.

Wilhelm, let's return to the embassy. I want to play football with the Queen.

I cannot allow that, Your Majesty.

You're still in danger until you sign that treaty tomorrow.

I'm afraid we're going to have to spend the night here. Please don't hit me.

Be ridiculous. I'm very happy here. If I have to spend time away from my beloved,

well, I certainly don't mind that it's here, in this wonderful house.

Well, Wednesday, what shall we play next?

How about Pin the Tail on the Happlesinger Brother?

I'm not sure I know how to play that one.

That's okay. Neither does Pugsy.

I've never seen him in such good spirits.

Yeah, I'm glad he's happy.

I'm only sorry I couldn't help you find the assassins.

I'm afraid I need to ask you to continue the charade.

I fear who is ever trying to get rid of the king

may become more desperate and dangerous.

You're not just saying that to cheer me up, are you?

You shall not escape me this time, King Lester.

No one eludes the great assassin Felix.

You can run, but you can't hide. LAUGHTER Maybe you can hide, but you can't escape.

King thinks he can outsmart me?

We'll just see about that.

Charlie, who is that man with the dagger?

I don't know.

You don't suppose he's that assassin Wilhelm was so concerned about?

Of course.

Assassin?

Hey, Kane. How's the sandwich? Delicious.

Hey, Lester, hope you don't mind me saying, but that's quite the queen you got.

Oh, yes, I know.

I love her desperately. There's only some way that

I could make up for all the years of being distant,

cranky, unappreciative, preoccupied, selfish, sloppy,

not in touch with her emotional needs.

Now I've got you! Prepare to meet your doom!

What's the meaning of this? I mean, you!

Prepare to meet your doom! Or is that your doom? Pick me!

Pick me!

Now, can't you see I'm busy?

We were hoping you'd stay a while. How dare you do this to a kid?

I'll never tell. Oh, all right, then. Up with his head! Well, actually,

Your Majesty, we have ways of making him talk.

When being tortured, it's best to take a deep breath before screaming.

That way your cries will echo much longer.

King Lester.

Professor, what's going on? Ah, good morning, Wilhelm.

It turns out that Felix here... Ow!

He's the assassin.

Yeah, we're just trying to find out who put him up to it. Morning to you.

Oh, listen, there you are.

Your Majesty, you're still alive?

Ah, Helen, Julius, you're just in time.

My new friends here helping me discover who sent this assassin after me.

But he's a tough nut to crack.

That's all right. I enjoy a challenge.

If I were you, I'd start to talk, because she's good.

I'll talk.

It was Julius. He did it. It was all his idea.

Yes, I confess. It was me.

Oh, well, my assassin fell. I shall not.

Thank you, Fester. You saved my life.

Ah, it was nothing, Your Majesty.

I want to know why I had such a good time without the ballet last night.

It wasn't me.

It couldn't have been me.

I hate the ballet. I wouldn't be caught dead there.

Do you speak French, darling?

Close enough.

Oh, my God!

Oh, Gomez, what a lovely night for a gondola crew.

Too bad the king and queen had to leave so quickly.

But I suppose Calatonia needed them.

The constant threat of enemies at every border. The burden of balancing a budget.

The stress of all that political backstabbing.

Yes, I envy him.