Original subtitles

Hey, bad luck, son.

You landed on Calatonia, which I own.

Let's see.

An oil-producing nation with two hotels.

You owe me $17 million.

But I don't have that!

Looks like you're out of the game, Pugsley. Oh, well,

come on. Be a sore loser. But I'm not sore.

You will be.

We got him. All's fair in love and war.

The Addams Family Welcome to the Addams Family. Going to the Addams Family.

Coming to the Addams Family now. Snap, snap!

Are you ready, Gomez? Whenever you are, Caravilla.

Ooh!

Good boy, good boy, good boy.

Visitors.

Well, hello, welcome to our home. I'm Gomez Adams. This is my lovely wife, Morticia.

How you doing? My name is Stephen DeVille, and this

is my assistant, Gloria. We, Stephen DeVille.

The movie director?

I made a few films, yeah.

Well, we've seen all your pictures. Mini Mall of the Undead,

Cul-De-Sac of the Undead, and our personal favorite,

Bed and Breakfast of the Undead. Oh, yes, I liked that one.

The fact that you've been overlooked by the Academy Awards is shameful.

To what do we owe the honor of this visit?

I'm scouting a location for my next picture. Mansion Mariande

and this house. Forget about it.

Gloria!

It's alive! It tried to kill me with a flying axe!

You'll have to excuse Gloria. She's worked on too many of my pictures.

Do you mind if we look around?

Not at all. Make yourself at home.

Just think, darling. Our house in a Stephen DeVille movie.

This house is amazing.

I mean, it's like something out of Lifestyles of the Rich and the Undead.

Now, you take the upstairs.

I'll look around down here. Let's go!

Whoa!

I didn't hear you come in.

I'm Stephen DeVille.

You don't have to introduce yourselves to us,

Mr. Stephen DeVille. We're your biggest fans.

Your movies are so funny. Nobody makes comedies the way you do.

So, what brings you to town?

I'm making my next picture here. I might even film it in this house.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Mr. DeVille always uses local talent in his films.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mama, we're going to be in the movies!

Gloria, just the person we wanted to see.

Mr. DeVille put us in his movie.

If only someone were to tell him how talented he is.

A one and a two.

Hey, Mama. I ran into a man on the street. Said he hadn't had a bite in three days.

Yeah? So what did you do, Fester? I threw him an alligator.

Well, you haven't even seen our grand finale.

Everybody's a critic.

Well, Mr. DeVille, what do you think of our home?

It's remarkable.

I mean, it's like it was made for the movies.

At least the television series.

You know, I've done a little acting myself.

Is that so?

When I was in high school, I received rave reviews for my performance in Hamlet.

I could do a monologue for you, if you'd like.

Oh, goody.

I will need a little help, though.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Hickory dickory dock.

The rat ran up the clock.

The clock struck one, and the little boy died.

What are you doing?

We're playing Pugsley and the Pendulum. You're gonna hurt the poor boy.

Hence the term torture.

Where do you children get ideas like this anyway?

It's in the Dungeon of the Undead! That was two.

Nice miss, darling.

Mr. and Mrs. Adams, I'd like to use your house in my film.

We'll pay you $15,000.

Actually, we only have $10,000 in the budget,

and the crew will probably tear the place apart, break everything,

and be incredibly rich. It would be like a family reunion.

We'll pay you $20,000 if you can start right away.

Deal!

We'd like to rearrange a few things in this room, if you don't mind.

Not at all. They'll be happy to move anything you need.

It's come to my attention that some of you... Sorry.

That some of you have been shamelessly trying to get into Mr. DeVille's picture.

I don't know what you're talking about. That's ridiculous.

Gomez, Mr. DeVille is famous for discovering new talent.

We can't help it if he just happens to discover us.

These people have a job to do,

and they've graciously agreed to invade our home to do it.

So I think we should all act normal and allow Mr. DeVille to make his picture.

Gomez, I need to talk to you.

Ah, Mr. DeVille!

Yes, Stephen? Wasn't that remarkable? See,

I'm always looking for people who could bring action to my films. Are you available?

Have your people call my people. I think we can work something out.

What about us? Yeah, can't we be in your movie?

Yeah, I think I could use you.

And you.

And even you.

Come with me. We're going to be movie stars.

Oh, but what about me?

To be or not to be?

That is the... Oh.

Places, everyone! Quiet on the set!

Action!

I am Jason Stark, Undead Hunter!

Undead hunter? Does that mean that you hunt the undead,

or that you are undead and you are also a hunter? Cut!

Fester, your line is welcome. Sorry.

All right, we're still rolling. Let's take it again

from your line, Vincent. Places and action!

I am Jason Stark, hunter of the undead.

Welcome. He went that way.

Gomez, we're ready for you now.

Mr. DeVille, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I never got a script.

Don't worry, I'll talk you through it.

Just take Vincent's place.

Mr. Vice, it's a real honor to work with you. I know, I know, I know.

And action!

How was that?

Great! Let's take it again, but this time, let me feel your pain!

So her leg's completely broken.

Can she hop?

How am I going to find a leading lady at this short notice?

Did you say leading lady?

Gee, too bad.

I'll just tell the crew to pack up, and I'll be on my way. Freeze!

We'll hold an immediate open casting call.

There must be at least one attractive, slender, pale woman with long,

dark hair who can fill the part.

Preferably somebody who can speak French.

Gomez, I know the perfect person for that part. Really? Who?

She's French. Leticia! Yes?

Sounds like you've got a sore throat.

Thank you.

Sexy.

All the actresses are here, Mr. DeVille.

They're waiting outside.

Great.

Bring the first one in.

Oh, Jason, the undead fiend is somewhere in the house.

You have to do something before... Hey, Jason!

Looking for someone, dear.

You vile undead fiend! I know you're in here somewhere!

Freeze!

Gomez!

Oh, boy!

Excuse me, Mr. Stark.

Action!

Whoo!

Oh!

Is that a wrap?

Everyone else gets to have all the fun. That's it.

I'm going to get a part in this movie if it kills me.

Or someone else.

Take one. And...

Action!

You called?

Lurch, baby.

Relax!

All you gotta do is walk in and say you rang like before. Got it?

Great!

Let's take it from the top.

Action!

Oh, I never knew acting could be so painful.

Don't stop, Tish. I saw some feeling on my right side.

Oh, Gomez, I know I can be a star, but what

can I do to get Mr. DeVille to notice me?

Mrs. Adams?

What actress has mysteriously disappeared and somehow ended up in the swamp?

Excuse me? Oh, never mind.

Can I help you with something? Mr. DeVille would like to see you.

Did you hear that, Gomez? I'm going to be a star!

I'd like to thank all the little people, and all the big people,

and all the medium people. Thank you, thank you.

I'm ready for my... Close-up, Mr DeVille.

Close-up?

Light!

Didn't you want me to be your leading lady?

Lady, lady?

No, we decided to write that part out.

Oh, well, then why did you call for me?

To ask you if we could use that suit of armor.

I want to put somebody in it to chase Vincent with an axe.

You're welcome to use it, but why would you want to put someone in it?

Because if we don't, how will it...

Great!

Hire the suit of armor! Launch!

Curse that undead flea! How am I going to stand?

What's his shot?

Yes, Stephen. You were in the shot!

I didn't realise you could see me in there.

Oh!

Let's take it again. And action!

How am I going to stop him?

Ring!

Mrs. Adams, what are you doing? I'm just looking for something to read.

I get the impression that you would like to be in my film.

Oh! Oh!

Whatever gave you that idea? My mistake. Too bad.

There is a part that would be perfect for you.

Well, if you insist.

Perfect.

Stephen, what's my motivation in this scene?

You're a corpse. You have no motivation, no respiration, no pulse.

Oh, I can do that.

She sure can.

So, how are those effects coming, Vesta?

Almost ready. Do you want a preview? No.

It's okay. I trust you. But remember, don't detonate until I say now. Now?

No, not now.

When I say now.

You're the director.

Places, everybody. The sooner we finish, the sooner we can all go home.

Action!

Reinstalling!

Oh, curses!

I'm too late!

Strangled to death! Oh...

The worst fear.

Dastardly, undead fiends.

Killing people by their own nightmares.

But I'd always feared I'd die in a fiery explosion.

Freeze!

Gomez, we're ready for you now. Now?

I think he said now. Fuck!

What are we going to see Wednesday?

Have you been hiding surveillance cameras in embarrassing places again?

While Mr. DeVille was making his movie, Uncle Fast

and I made one of our own. Oh, wonderful.

How creative. What's it called?

The Making of the Mansion of the Undead in 3D. 3D.

3D.

3D. 3D. Stop it.

Sorry.

These glasses always give me a headache.

I love them. Popcorn. Thanks, Wednesday.

Uh, Wednesday?

These aren't popped yet.

Eat them first.

Then we'll pop them.

I am Jason Stark.

Fester, Wednesday, this is wonderful.

I give it three thumbs up.

Here comes the best part. This is where Gomez

gets dumped with a bucket of slime. Ooh!

No problem.

Ah, there's no business like show business.