All language subtitles for The Collector - S02E06 - The Comic

That's why I say you're damn right
they should outlaw same-sex marriage.

The kind where you're married
to the same person 25 years,

and you're having the same sex.

Hold on.

What's your name?

Me.

Ronnie.

Ronnie.

Tell me something, Ronnie.

Did you actually bring
your own coffee to the club?

It's organic.

Organic?

It's organic coffee!

Are you kidding me?

What do you care if
your coffee is organic?

Huh?

Do you know what
organic means? It means it's

made of living things.
Is that so great? Huh?

Athlete's foot is organic.

Shall I wring out my
sock and brew you a pot?

You don't really need organic coffee.

You mean pesticide-free, fair
trade, socially responsible,

environmentally friendly coffee.

But that is wrong.

Coffee should not be friendly.

Coffee should be grown on the graves of
angry South American revolutionaries.

It should be doused in DDT.

It should be picked by starving third
world teenagers with bleeding fingernails.

It should be pissed on by
Juan Valdez and his donkey.

By the time those beans
finally get to your kitchen,

they should have gone
so far up our food chain

of seething rage that
they jump out of the bag,

rip your pants down, and
try to jam your berries

in the grinder. And you know why? Why?

Because that's the kind of coffee
losers like you need to get out of bed

and try to kick the crap out of life
before it kicks the crap out of you.

And let's face it, Ronnie,

you're going to need some help
kicking the crap out of life.

And you know why?

Because you're a big, fat, fatty fatso.

Give it up! Most dangerous
man in comedy, Mr. Steve Green!

All right, thank you guys so
much for coming out tonight.

Steve's going to be here all week.

Don't forget to check out his
awesome TV special on City TV.

One more time for Mr. Steve
Green. Give it up! Thank you.

Ah, hell.

Isn't it lovely?

These are all my little souls.

I used to gather them myself, but by
the 14th century I needed some help.

That's how I found Morgan. He was a
monk back then, so he played hard to get,

but I found them with the right bait.

You can catch any fish you want.

In the end, he came to work
for me. He became a collector.

Then recently, he made me
the most interesting proposal

he wants to seek
salvation for his clients.

I decided to let him try.

For now.

Mr. Green.

Whoa.

Now, who the hell are you? You
totally threw my timing off out there.

We have to talk about your deal.

My deal. I'm sorry. Here,
please, have a seat. I gotta tell you,

I'm just so pumped about my
new series, Prime Time Live TV.

The ratings are gonna go through the roof.

Mr. Green... Now, since we're broadcasting

from live comedy clubs all over the world,

we're gonna have to stay on top of this.

I'm gonna need two cameras on the
audience, right? Because that's my thing.

You know, those rants I
do. Are you kidding me?

Mr. Green, I'm not from a network.

I'm here to talk about the
deal you made 10 years ago.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Let's not waste time, all right?
You made a deal with the devil,

and judging by your success in the
comedy business, I'd say he delivered.

So, are you suggesting I had to sell
my soul to be funny? I'm Steve Green!

The only reason I'm
playing this dump is because

the first episode is about my roots.

My concerts sell out in an hour. I am
the number one comedy act in the world.

Mr. Green, unless you find a way to
redeem yourself in the next 48 hours,

you're going to be the opening act in
the Brimstone Room for all of eternity.

In 48 hours, I'm going to
be basking in the love of

millions of fans watching
the premiere of my series.

That series is never going to happen.

It's all over.

I'm supposed to believe
you're Satan's errand

boy because you got a
cell phone with a clock?

Hey, I got a cell phone takes pictures.

You think the devil would get you on
a better plan? Big scary devil clock.

Your mother sets clocks in hell.

Nope.

Doesn't feel like I'm
losing my talent. In fact,

it feels like I'm right on top of
my game, so as far as I'm concerned,

you can be the one that goes to hell.

For your sake, I hope they have
cable there so you can check out my act.

Hey, sis.

Using your computer.

Yeah, I can see you made yourself at home.

Gotta look for job openings.

Job?

I thought you had a job.

Yeah, I got fired.

Fired for what?

Using their computer to
look for job openings.

Where have you two been
anyways? It's almost midnight.

I... I took Gabe to see Steve Green.

You took Gabe to a nightclub.

Jerry, he's eight. Almost nine.

And Steve Green is not
exactly kid-friendly.

I know, but a couple of
weeks ago I was channel surfing,

and Gabe saw a little bit of his act.

And he laughed.

What? Are you serious?

Gabe never laughs.

Exactly.

So I ran out and I got the
DVD version of his concert,

and Gabe busted a gut
through the entire show.

We rent comedies all the
time, and he just sits there.

So then when I heard that he
was performing at Yuck Yucks,

I felt like I had to take Gabe.

I had to see what it is about Steve
Green. So what is it? I don't know yet.

But it proves what I've been saying.

The teachers at the Institute,
they're all wrong about Gabe.

You've been saying this?

You haven't been saying it to me. Yeah,
but I've been spending more time with Gabe.

I sense that there's
things going on in his head.

Taylor...

He's in there.

They're just not doing
what it takes to get him out.

Wait a minute.

What are you saying?

That Gabe's not autistic? You
think that's all there is to Gabe?

That there's nothing more he'll ever be?

Jerry, Steve Green made
him laugh and that's great,

but Steve Green is not
going to make him normal.

What is with you?

It's just, it's like you're
jumping all over the map.

And what is that
supposed to mean? Oh, come on.

First it's the mystery of Morgan Pym,

and now it's the stand-up
comedy cure for autism?

You don't know anything about Morgan Pym.

Oye, compadre, feelin' lucky?

Play for your soul, double or nothin'.

Find the Joker. I'm not
interested in your little game.

But you're in my little
game, muchacho querido,

and you don't seem to be havin'
much luck with your little Joker.

That's because you're stacking the
deck. Sure, though. I run an honest game.

You scheduled a premiere of Green's
series right at the end of his deal.

Hey, I'm powerful, but surely you don't
think I control what shows are on TV.

Only God can do that.

Doesn't matter. You'll still help me win.

Really?

How will I do that?

By taking his life apart.

You know that's what breaks through
their denial. You just can't help yourself.

You're good, but you only win if I let...

It's Steve Green. I want to talk.

Tommy's Diner on Powell.

Ten minutes.

Try your luck. Nobody walks away
empty-handed. How about you, little sweetie?

Maybe you want to trade
up for a better boyfriend?

Jillian, you're an hour late.

I'll take those. Hey.

I didn't take your beer.

Yeah, I missed a couple
shifts when I was shooting up,

but I decide waitress beats
junkie is a long-term career move.

I'm glad.

Skip the sincerity
act, Morgan. We're done.

One for dinner?

I'm meeting someone.

I hope she's nice.

I'm sure you want to talk about,
you know, it's a little public.

But you didn't believe in the devil.
No, I never said I didn't believe.

It's just my deal wasn't
fair, man. I got screwed.

Here's what I see.

You're famous, you're rich, and
you date women who, no offense,

wouldn't look at you otherwise. All
because the devil made you funny. See,

that's just it. He did it.

What can I get you?

Couple of coffees.

The devil didn't make you funny.

I was already funny when I made my deal.

That club, the Yuck Yuck Club, it was
the first place I ever saw live stand-up.

Cliff Armitage was on stage,
and two jokes in, I was hooked.

Those comics were like gods to
me. I worshipped those guys.

I even got a job working at the
club so I could be around them.

I wanted more than anything to
be one of the gods at that table.

One night I worked up the
nerve, and I cracked a joke.

And they all laughed.

They told me I was funny.

They even got me a spot at the amateur
showcase. It was my first time at the mic.

I was petrified.

But I slaved.

If you were already funny, then what was
your deal with the devil? Well, I was new.

I thought maybe it was
a fluke. I don't know.

I thought maybe I wouldn't be funny
again. I mean, all comics feel that way,

but I just, I wanted it so bad.

I just had to kill every single time.

And the devil guaranteed it.

He told me, make sure everybody
thought I was as funny as I did.

So if the devil delivered, why
do you think you got screwed?

Well, I just shouldn't have to redeem
myself to get out of going to hell.

Really?

Why's that? Because I redeem myself
every day by making people laugh.

Come on, you saw that crowd.

They were howling, their
ancestors were laughing.

Mr. Green, you may be bringing joy to
this world, but it hasn't stopped the clock.

You've got to stop making
excuses, forget about your TV series,

and start trying to save your soul.

So you're saying if I
give up on this series,

the most important
thing in the world to me,

the pinnacle of
everything I've worked for,

that'll guarantee I get
out of this hell deal?

No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got
something against waitresses?

Pay your check.

And that's only the beginning. Right
after I got home from talking to you,

my girlfriend calls me a cheating
bastard and dumps me. And then an hour later,

my other girlfriend does the
same thing. And then, this morning,

while I'm at the police
station, reporting my stolen car!

I get a call from my broker.

He tells me he put all my money
into a company called Minetti Exports,

and they're insolvent. I'm wiped
out! Even my credit cards are maxed.

Some guy calling
himself Three Card Monty blew

my limit at the Poker
Hauntus online casino.

They don't take Visa in hell.

This is not supposed to be happening.

Nobody said anything about
ten years less two days.

I should get my goodies right up
to the end. That was the deal.

I've tried the fairness
argument. And he laughs.

Well, this is great.

Now I got to go do a
show, and I'm not in the mood

to tell freaking jokes.
Good, then let's leave.

Let's go talk about who could have
suffered the bad luck from your deal. Hey,

buddy, you're looking at him.

With the moral of the story being,
always let a professional work on your liver.

Okay, it's time to bring out
the guy we've been waiting

years to see back in
his old stomping ground.

Grab your flak jackets,
folks, because it's time

to bring out the big gun, Mr. Steve Green!

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, it hasn't been a
good day. It's not on Steve's top ten list.

In fact, it's not on my
top ten thousand list.

I've had better days
than this getting enemas.

Yeah, and those enemas had
a better day than I've had.

Do a rant.

Yeah, maybe later. I gotta work up to it.

You can do me.

Holy crap, Judy.

Well, this is a big surprise.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to
introduce Judy Parister from City TV.

Yeah.

Judy is the exec who greenlit
my new series. Unfortunately,

she's such a great person,
she's impossible to rant at.

Oh, come on, you've never done me. I'm
beginning to think you don't love me.

Yeah, well, you know,
nothing is coming to mind, really.

Well, something always comes to your
mind. That's why we're putting you on live.

So, you run a network.

Those reality shows, are
you kidding me? I mean,

is that the end of
civilization as we know it or what?

Come on, everyone throws that one at me.

Okay.

Why don't we talk about comedy?

You think you know comedy, right?

Sure, you made a guy laugh once.

Except you were in bed at the time!

But now you've got a committee
to help you decide what's funny,

because that's the secret to great comedy.

You've got to run it through
a corporate structure, right?

The comic tells you a joke,

you table it with your flunkies at your
next board meeting, marketing rewrites it,

you run it past a focus group,

nine weeks later you get back to
the comic with the approved version.

Only there's one problem.

It isn't funny anymore!

And you know why?
Because you're not a comic.

You're a leech.

You're a little black,
slimy thing attached to the

ankle of people like
me, people with talent.

You're trying to suck out the
laughs so you can sell more goddamn

soap and make another
million off your stock options.

Oh, no! How dare you talk that way to
me? I am Judy. I am queen of the airways.

Oh, Mr. Green.

Mr. Green, Jerry's late Vancouver
star. I just want to talk to you.

Yeah, you just want to write
about what happened out there.

No, I'm sorry I didn't see your
show, but I want to interview you.

I also want to thank you.

For what?

For making my son laugh.

That client of yours is
one tough little nut, huh?

I thought he'd crack after I
maxed out his credit cards.

It's good to know you're
on my side. I would be,

except I really need him down in hell.

The souls get a little blue sometimes,

and I'm a firm believer in
the healing power of laughter.

I still have a day. The game's not
over yet. And the question remains,

who will get the Joker? A Jew?

So how'd it go? Steve Green,
the magic bullet, or what?

Nope.

No?

Just like that, no?

But he made Gabe laugh.

Well, I was wrong. You were
right. I was wrong, okay?

He's not funny.

Okay.

Well, I guess I'm going to take off.

Oh, listen, I know tomorrow's Saturday,

but can you look after
Gabe for me for a while?

They gave you an assignment on Saturday?

Sort of.

Sort of?

Well, I have some things to follow up on.

About Steve Green?

Yeah, there's people I have to talk
to, you know, ask around about him.

Morgan Pym was there.

No, he wasn't.

What are you talking about?

Sure he was.

The rapper, the supermodel. He
likes to hang around famous people.

You saw him there.

Morgan Pym has nothing to do with this.

Steve Green just didn't turn out to
be the guy I thought he was, okay?

Are you going to look after Gabe or not?

Sure.

Night.

Maya, we need to talk.

Sorry, can't.

Jillian didn't show up for a shift.

This can't go on,
right? I need to explain.

What's to explain?

You and another woman in
bed. I know how that works.

Yeah.

It's me. I got something to show you.

Hey, Jillian, we're not on
flex time. Who did this?

Did your husband do this?

You want to know why I said
I got screwed by the devil?

And then they started
barbecuing right at my table. I mean,

when I said I wanted the
smoking section, I didn't

mean I wanted it on fire.
Hey, tell me something.

Did somebody... That
was my first overseas gig

about a year into my
deal, and I was hot, man.

I was killing them.

I was stupid.

I just assumed everybody in South
Korea spoke English. Then after the show,

I found out none of
them did, not even one.

Devil guaranteed people would find you
funny. Yeah, as funny as I found myself.

Even if they didn't
understand a word I was saying.

See, up to that point, I was doing
observational humor, like on the tape.

But when I realized it
didn't matter what I was saying,

they were all just laughing like a bunch
of trained hyenas. And you got angry. Yeah.

The more successful I got, the
angrier I got. I just wanted to...

I wanted to punish him.

And the more I punished him, the more
they laughed, the more famous I got.

He knew this was going to happen.

When I saw the devil, he said he
believed in the healing power of laughter,

but it was just the opposite.

He wanted you to hurt people and make
them like it. He gave you his sense of humor.

You mean the people that suffered
from my deal? Were your audiences.

And now I'm supposed
to do what, apologize?

I don't think so.

You did more than just hurt
their feelings, Mr. Green.

You did the devil's work for them.

You increased the amount of insults
and scorn and hate in the world. Great.

So now I'm Steve Green, the guy
that paved the way for the Antichrist.

You want to lay it on a
little bit thicker, maybe?

How am I going to make up for that?

You've hurt them with your humor, and
now you've gotta heal them with it.

Look, millions of people
have seen me. I'm on DVD.

How am I gonna reach all those
people in the 24 hours I got left?

With the premiere of your TV series.

Oh.

You mean the series you
said I should forget about.

The series you said was a
distraction from making amends.

The series that just got
cancelled by Judy Parister

because you made me so freaking angry!

Nobody's perfect.

I'll tell her you stopped by.

Don't worry, we'll get to it.

Mr. Green.

And Mr. Pym.

You know her? Oh, yeah,
of course he knows me.

Let's go.

I'm the pain in the ass that
keeps following him around

and asking him questions
about the people he knows.

You know you're in good company?

Have you ever heard of
the rap artist Dion Walker

or the supermodel Nikki Schillenberg?

I discovered that they have
something in common with you.

Ten years of success. So what? People
have careers. They don't last forever.

Yeah, I know, you're right.

But something else they have in
common is that they're both dead.

Miss Slate, your conspiracy theories
are very interesting, but we have to go.

No, something weird is going on here.

I don't want you to end up
like some of his other friends.

I can protect you.

I don't know what you're
talking about, lady. I met

this guy a couple of days
ago. We're hanging out.

You made my son laugh.

He hasn't smiled in eight
years, and you made him laugh.

I'm funny.

How did you do it?

Never heard of him. Why?

Because I believe he's personally
responsible for Steve Green's success.

Really?

But I think he made Steve
Green funny. He's a joke writer?

No, no, no, it's much bigger than that.

I was doing research on
Steve Green all night,

and up until ten years
ago, he was a nobody.

No one had ever heard of him. And
then all of a sudden, out of the blue,

he became the biggest comic in the
world. Now, what are the chances of that?

It happens.

Yes, but this time it was Morgan Pym
making it happen. And not just to Steve Green,

but other famous people as well.

Well, I'm beginning to
think the amazing things

that I've never heard of this
Morgan Pym. I'm gonna fix that.

What exactly is it that you
want from me, Miss Slate?

I want you to keep
Steve Green off the air.

It is critically important that no one
else is exposed to him and his comedy.

I see.

Well, we'll certainly take
that into consideration.

Yeah.

Thanks for your time.

Just don't worry about it.
Yeah, don't worry about it, huh?

She's not the first person
to follow me around. Yeah,

and what am I going to do if
she finds out about my deal?

You go to hell.

What?

She won't find out, so
just forget about her.

We need to focus on getting to Judy Paris.

You gotta come now.

Thought you could hide out here
with your little bitch friend?

You didn't think that I would find you?

It was just for one night.

Look at me!

You have a kid. You have responsibilities.

You're not even...

It's my wife, and she
needs to be taught a lesson.

If you think pain teaches people
anything, you don't know what it feels like.

Hey, man. You're Steve Green. I
love your work, man. It's awesome.

Yeah.

This is Judy Parister.

Your reputation precedes you, Mr. Pym.

You seem to be a very powerful
man in the entertainment industry.

I work behind the scenes.

Very far behind the scenes.

Word is, you're the man
who made Steve Green funny?

I don't make diamonds, Miss
Perister. I just polish what's there.

Yeah, well, your dime is
still a little bit rough.

I wouldn't call him rough.
I'd call him a raging maniac.

You're honest, too?

Not as honest as he is.

So you think I deserve
this little diatribe?

I don't know what it took to
get where you are, Miss Perister,

but I'm betting you didn't get
there by playing it safe. Am I right?

I don't control Steve Green.

Steve Green doesn't control Steve
Green. That's the nature of genius.

Most people wouldn't put it on
TV because it's too dangerous.

And you think that I'm the kind of gutsy
gal who's just crazy enough to do that?

I think you're the kind of gutsy gal who
won't let her competitors do it first.

We're in. The series is
back on. What's going on?

Have you come up with some new material?

Why not?

Remember how I told you I was
funny before I made my deal?

Yeah.

Well, I lied.

It was also true, I cracked a joke to the
guys at the table and they all laughed.

I just didn't realize they were
laughing at me, not the joke.

I believed them when
they said I was funny.

When they got me a spot
in that amateur showcase,

that was the happiest moment of my life.

But I didn't know how to write a joke,

so I just lifted some from
one of those joke books.

Ballpoint banana.

And when I got off stage,

he was waiting for me in the same
spot you were standing two nights ago.

That's what threw me so bad when I saw
you there. Another one of his little jokes.

What, he knew ten years
ago where you would stand?

Mr. Green, what was your deal? I
told you the truth about that, too.

He said he would make
sure everybody found me

as funny as I found
myself, and I was sure.

I was funny. I thought
people just didn't appreciate me,

but it turns out I was
wrong about that, too.

I've been trying to come up with
jokes since you left. They all suck.

Come on, obviously you've learned how to
write a joke in the last ten years. No,

I didn't write a joke the whole
time. I'd just show up at the gig,

I'd start ripping on the
audience, and I killed.

Even in freakin' Korea,
who needed to write a joke?

Alright.

We'll just follow the basic rules of
comedy. There are rules? Of course.

I've known a lot of
comedians over the years.

Chaucer, Moliere, Jonathan Swift.
All your favorite comics are dead?

The point is, the principles are
the same now as they were then.

All you've got to do is be
honest about yourself. Honest, okay.

Why?

To undo the damage you've
done. For the last ten years,

you've insulted the audience.
And now I should insult myself?

No, you've got to show them
it's alright to be who they

are by showing them you're
alright with who you are.

But I'm not. I hate myself.

Mr. Green, I've known some of the worst
monsters the human race has ever produced.

Serial killers, rapists, child molesters.

And they were all right with
who they were. Can I finish?

What I'm trying to say
is that somewhere inside

everybody is the soul that God gave them.

God loves that soul, and we have to
honor God's love by trying to do the same,

no matter how we feel about ourselves.

Oh, so you're saying I
should find something in myself

that I love and show that to the audience.

Yeah. And make it funny. Yes.

It doesn't sound funny.

Let's get to work.

Hey, my dad sold furniture. Is that
funny? I think we need to focus on you.

Right, okay, yeah.

Why don't you tell me about things
that happened while you were growing up?

Well, it was just me and my mom
and my sister and my dad, you know,

when he wasn't at the store.

Are there any memories that stick out?

Like what?

Like things that were hard for you.

You know, there was this one time
when my dad brought home an ottoman,

and we had never had one before,
and I really liked it. You know,

I could put my feet up, but
my mom made him take it back.

She said it was showy.

I think we need something a
little deeper. Some tragedy.

Difficulties other people can relate to.

I had a dog that ran away.
Okay. But then he came back.

You know, all the guys
thought I was wasting my

time volunteering at
their retirement home,

but I love helping people, and hey,

some of those old folks
have some hilarious stories.

Like there was this one guy who told me
about this time he went to Niagara Falls,

and they were selling beer
in like these little barrels.

Oh, you know, that reminds me of
this other guy. And he had, like,

this fishing hat that was
all covered with, like, hooks.

Hey.

Hey.

How's your friend doing?

She's going back to home.

When I asked you to help...

I didn't expect. I thought
you were going to kill him.

I wanted to.

I can't believe I'm saying
this, but it was kind of cool.

I'm sorry.

Morgan, I'm tired of hating you.

I want to have something with you.

I don't know what we can have, but
I can't be the only one who needs.

I could try again if you could just
tell me one thing that you need from me.

I need you to have faith in me.

I have to go.

What's the matter?

Side-taking?

And to take a break for all the
laughter to die down? He's working on it.

He's come a long way in five
hours. A long way closer to hell.

Face him, muchacho. You've cured him of
being funny. He's gonna die twice tonight.

Get it?

Die twice?

Now that's funny.

Maybe he can use that.

Who's a handsome devil?

You are.

I think I nailed it.

Yep, I got an angle. Yeah?

Everybody's always looking for tragedy,
right? It's like you said, pain is funny.

Well, let's face it, pain is not funny,

and most people don't spend their whole
lives in pain, you know? I mean, like,

people don't get hit
by lightning every day

or die in a car
accident on a weekly basis.

Most people's lives
are routine, am I right?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, I know mine was before I made my
deal, and I'm all right with that now.

So if I can get that into my comedy,

I can make people feel good
about how their lives are routine.

Okay. Okay. Check it out.

Hey, I'm nothing special. You know
how you can pick me out of a crowd?

The crowd stands out.

See, the crowd stands out.
Now, you see, now that's funny.

Man, you really freed
me up, you know? I mean,

I used to be so afraid
of losing my powers,

but now I know people
are going to hear me.

People are going to be
laughing because of what I say,

not because the devil's making them.

Whoa, we got to go!

And in grade school, I had a C average.

I'd bring home my report card, show it to
my mom, and I'd say, C, average. Steve,

I'm not sure we should put
all our eggs in one basket.

What do you mean?

We still have some time left.

Is there anything else we haven't
thought of in terms of making amends?

Don't worry, this stuff is killer.

This is it, Steve. You're on
it, too. Okay, thanks, Cliff.

Cliff Armitage?

Yeah.

Is he one of the comics that signed you
up for that amateur showcase? Who are you?

Mr. Armitage, how's your life
been going in the last 10 years?

Have you experienced any unusual problems?

Alcoholism, drugs. What
are you talking about?

Family problems. Divorce, anything?

Is he with you? Yeah. Yeah.

Cliff Armitage on stage,
please. Cliff Armitage.

Not that it's any of your
business, but I'm still married,

and my only addiction is to
getting on that stage once in a while.

Once in a while?

You're a headliner.

That was years ago. Now I
run the place for the owner.

I tried doing a little bit of
the audience warm-up for you,

but mainly I just do the intros.

You were great. You were God.

I was okay.

But once I saw you get on that stage,
not the first time, the time you bombed,

but the next time, I knew I had
no right to call myself a comic.

You were the God, Steve.

He's the one.

He's the one what? He's the
one who suffered for your deal.

If you hadn't sold your
soul, he wouldn't have given up.

He'd be up there where he's
supposed to be. He'd be famous.

Hey everybody, welcome
to Steve Green Live!

What am I supposed to do?

I don't know.

I think you have to give him a shot.

Give him a shot.

Tonight? At my world premiere?
What about the new material?

What about spreading the love?

Steve, you've got a great heart.

But you're not funny.

And now, kicking it off from
the club where it got its start,

the most dangerous man in
comedy, Mr. Steve Green!

Hey, everybody, thanks for coming. I'd
like to thank City TV for this opportunity.

Let's face it, they're taking a big risk.

You never know what the hell I'm
going to say next. Am I right?

And even I never expected to
be saying this, but... Well,

there's a comic in this room
who deserves this more than I do.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Mr. Cliff Armitage.

Wow, it's a good thing I was
all the way on the side of

the stage to give me time to
come up with an entire act.

You don't have to tell me
everybody tunes in to see

Steve Green and they get,
Cliff, what's his name?

I used to be somebody, I don't
know if you remember, probably not,

but I've really dropped off the
radar the last nine years. I mean,

even when I walk into my own house, my
kids say, hey, didn't you used to be our dad?

I'm kidding. I'm not saying
it hasn't been tough on me.

Nobody wanted anything to do with me.
I joined a suicide counseling group.

The other guys pitched in, bought me a
footstool and a book on how to tie knots.

At least I gave them a reason to live.

Thank you, everybody! Goodnight!

What?

What is it? Why is it
still ticking? I put Cliff

on stage just like you
said. I gave him a shot.

He killed. I don't know.

We must have missed
something. We missed something?

You were the one running the
show. You were supposed to save me.

I gave him my dream for a stinking
has-been. I'm still gonna go down to the toilet.

What are you doing here?

I came to talk to you about the other
night. Yeah, sure, some other time.

You kind of hurt my
feelings. Are you kidding me?

Steve. I was just being honest,
pal. You are a big fat fatty fatso!

He was right, you know.

He kept the scales even all the
way along by making people laugh.

He was just one laugh short.

If you hadn't been standing in
the wings at that exact moment,

you'd have made that fat guy laugh.

It's what they say must be true.

The secret to comedy is timing.

Timing.

I should be a comic.

Taylor Slate?

Thanks for agreeing to see me.

What?

You don't look like a psycho killer.

Thanks.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

I could use one.

Sure.

Hey, sir, come on, what's with the
comb on it? Face it, buddy, you're bald.

Come on, you comb three hairs over
an egg. It does not make any chicken.