Original subtitles

The Nemesis and her crew are still trapped in the 21st century,

and we are still searching for the Reptids.

We must find them and stop their device from being activated.

I think about it, and yeah, It tastes so good.

How our ancestors survived with all these conflicting

influences beats the heck out of me.

Captain?

Oh, Captain?

Belinda, wakey, wakey. It's 6 a.m. Rise and shine.

Ugh, my head. Oh, man.

What happened last night?

Belinda, don't you remember?

Remember what, computer?

You and the crew decided to sample the experiment that the doctor was conducting.

Computer, whose hand is this?

It's Commander Cropper's, Captain. Oh.

We did. We did.

No, I was no child.

No way. No, no, no.

Buddy old pal.

Yeah, no. No.

Well, there it was.

This is a very, very serious affair, Commander.

This has got to remain completely and utterly secret, you understand?

Definitely, Captain, yeah.

Yeah.

I suppose a second round's out of the question. That couldn't hurt.

Gotcha!

I think you better get dressed.

Yeah.

Daphne.

Lights.

Daphne.

What on earth happened last night?

I believe you and a few others decided to molly

port down to Earth and gatecrash a party.

Gatecrash?

What sort of party was this?

It was a place with young children having a good time.

You stole a little boy's birthday cake, his party hats, balloons,

and some of his presents.

You were shouting out, jelly, jelly, up your bum.

But that doesn't even rhyme.

But wait, dearie.

That's all the tame stuff.

You then decided to molly port into the Tower of London,

and wearing the Imperial State crown,

you proceeded to dance around like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader,

twirling the sceptre like a baton.

It was then reported that you attempted to sell the crown jewels on eBay.

Daphne, this is a level one priority.

What happened last night must be kept in a secure

database and not released until I say so.

Do you understand?

Yes, Sally.

Add another encrypted file to my memory banks this morning.

Well, how many times have you done this now today?

Not counting you 26 times.

Well, at least not the only one, but what made us go so crazy?

Was it another Reptid device?

I believe it was self-inflicted, Sally.

Something to do with Dr. Stryker.

Well, I hope he feels as bad as I do.

Good morning, Woof.

Good morning, Dottie.

Captain.

Captain, good morning. I was just discussing with

Dottie the current battle plans of the ship.

I see. And your, uh, friends?

Oh.

They were helping me with my physical training program. Oh,

is that what we're calling it these days?

Right. Carry on, ladies.

Hologram.

Yeah, I've been studying the reports of the attack

on that ship from the Bounty Hunter Alliance,

and also the ongoing failures aboard our ship,

and I really think they're somehow connected. You know what I mean?

And since you're the only one that seems to be unaffected,

I think that you should go and try and find out if

there is a who or a what sabotaging this ship.

Understood, Captain.

I will commence immediately.

Great.

We have detected a faint signal located on

the far side of Mars. What kind of signal?

A signal that goes... And then repeats itself.

Thank you for that, Dottie.

But what exactly does that mean?

We believe it could be a low quantum pulse signature.

And you've just now noticed it? Well, because you only asked me, I mean us,

to scan the surface of the planet.

But we decided to conduct a further search of the outlying solar systems,

and that's when we heard the signal that goes... Okay.

Great, Dottie. Listen, how long would it take us to get to Mars undetected?

You know, if we jump into that area using the quantum drive,

then they're going to see a quantum signature,

then they're going to split before we can get there. I don't want that.

ETA to Marses.

Okay, that sounds about right.

Set course and speed, all right?

And I think I'm going to go down and see the doctor.

Copper, you've got the ship.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Donny, if the captain comes back to the bridge, wake me up.

I need to get some sleep. I still can't believe what I did last night.

What was that then, Wolf?

We believe it to be some sort of physical training program.

If data banks serve correctly, we believe Wolf managed, um... One, two...

Really?

Dotty, if you don't shut up, I will rip off your part number B457YT.

My cranial unit? And shove it up your part number AH-34YTY. Oh. I see.

Fine.

I shall just sit here in silence, plug myself in, and listen to the music of Mars.

Right, in that case, I'm going for a walk.

You got the ship, Dottie? Oh, yes.

Reaching Mars.

Closer, further. Closer, further. Disappear.

Doctor.

Captain.

Yes. I've just been finishing off some rather unusual experiments with my nurses.

Mm-hmm.

How can I help? I need something for an absolutely terrible headache.

We were a bit of a mad animal last night, weren't we?

We didn't, uh... Yes, yes, we did.

How many people were there? Oh, men.

17, no, no, no, 21, including Reg. Poor little fellow. Oh, great.

They must be calling me Captain Easy of the... Easy?

Well, I don't know what you did when you left here, but my word,

you can certainly drink people under the table.

Oh, so you mean we didn't actually, uh...

You're a fine drinker. No one has seen anything like it before.

Here you go, Captain. Take two of these, and it'll be cleared up in five minutes.

Fabulous, darling. Thank you so much.

Doctor, just carry on carrying whatever you were carrying.

Strange woman.

Nurse Beach, call Nurse Taylor again.

Let's see if we can get any further with these silicone implants.

They're just like yours, Nurse Beach.

Oh, my blue socks. It's gone up his little leg.

I've got it.

I've got it. You silly tart.

That's his... It's fine.

It's the right size.

Oh, dear. Sorry.

Oh, dear.

Computer, duck, reg, password 1234. Override door now.

Um, is everything all right, Captain? No, everything is not all right.

That thing is in my chocolate machine. It's the Vermilion Goober Hog.

It's completely harmless. It's just confused.

I don't really care what it is.

I'm going to get cleaned, and when I come back,

it had better be gone. Do you understand?

I think I'd better get to the bridge and see where that pipe goes.

Chief.

What now, Christian?

Listen, I know you know that I know that we know.

You've been trying to find, you know, someone that... Yes, and...

Well, you're considered someone close to you.

Someone you see every day. You know, someone like Commander Cropper.

Yes, Christian.

You know I'd give anything just to get five minutes

with him between my... Hello, Commander.

Chief, I found this outside engineering.

What is it?

Nothing to see here, Commander.

Anything else I can do you for?

Well, actually, I've got a couple of hours to spare.

Really?

Yeah.

I promise you won't forget this.

Commander Cropper?

Cropper here. Commander, meet me on the bridge. I understood, Captain. On my way.

I hope I wasn't interrupting anything, Commander.

No, perfect timing.

He was here.

Now he's gone.

I've got to go and clear out the inter-plot sub-matrix.

Why can't we just... Captain?

Commander?

And that, Commander, is what we call the laxosuction death grip.

If it's applied correctly, it can bring an enemy to its knees.

Mm-hmm.

Methane levels reaching critical. Preparing to vent atmosphere.

Is everything all right? Something malfunction in the lift?

No, somebody let it... Dad, you know what?

I don't want to talk about it.

Excuse me. What?

Can I have the... Speak up, you silly man.

You weren't like this last night.

You mention that to anyone,

and I will personally rip off all your limbs and

mail them back to the future. Are we clear?

Are we clear?

Yes, yes.

It never happened.

Good.

Now, what do you want?

Can you tell me where the food dispenser outlet

pipe in the captain's quarters leads to?

It leads to section 41A waste system, which branches into the main toilet system.

Thanks, Wolf.

Bye.

Wolf?

So?

What happened with Red last night?

Nothing. He's a silly, confused little man.

We know what happened.

Oh, yes, we do.

Wolf gave Reg a little hula dance while shouting something

like, oh, slap me, baby, slap me, feel it.

I certainly did not do that. I'm a warrior born and bred.

I would never lower myself to that level. Oh, child,

I was looking for one that did not look like that.

You're getting some good old of them. You're getting on down.

Woo-hoo, baby. What?

You miserable excuse for walking tin heap. Move out!

Both of you.

Wolf, calm down. Just breathe.

Are you all right?

No, we're not, Captain.

Ever since the hologram fiddled with our connections

between my human and cyborg side,

I feel even more confused than ever before. Why don't you go see the doctor?

No.

We should reboot some of our subsystems.

And, uh, we should be fine.

Alrighty.

How long before we reach Mars?

We should have visual contact within minutes.

Excellent. Oof.

Bring all weapon systems online. All levels, prepare for battle stations. Dottie?

Take us in. Aye, aye, Captain.

Now, Vilma, if anything should happen to me, light a candle.

But not near a toilet. Oh, Rach! Oh, get off me, you silly tart.

I've got lipstick all over me forehead.

Oh, come on.

Oh.

Now then, let's have a look at this.

Good luck finding the Vermilion Goober Hug!

Where am I?

Reg?

Whoa, dog.

Captain, the main sensor has detected a Repton mothership positioned

on the far side of the asteroid field between Mars and Jupiter.

Take us in and keep a positive lock on the mothership

at all times. Affirmative, Captain.

Ow.

Why do they always hit me in the rear? Does my bum look big in this?

Computer, quiet. Move. Take a bath. With pleasure.

Why isn't that ship moving? It could be a trap, Captain.

I have scanned the surrounding areas. No other ships are present.

Dottie, you said I, not we. Are you sure you're okay?

Yes. We are functioning within normal parameters. We are within firing range.

Charging the main pulse cannon.

Do not fire.

But Captain... No buts.

I said do not fire.

Something's wrong.

Dottie, scan the ship.

The main engine is totally drained of all power.

It seems that their time slip drive has fused their

internal systems, Captain. They're dead in space.

Try and contact them, Dottie. Yes, Captain.

What should we do with them?

I think we should take them back to our time to stand trial.

Incoming transmission.

I'm Captain Blowheart of the Dreadnought Nemesis. Do you wish to surrender?

We will do as you demand, Captain.

Do not fire on us. We are defenseless.

I ask you for the sake of the families aboard this vessel.

I have no intention of firing.

We're going to bring you back to 3034 to stand

trial for your crimes against humanity.

You're not going to fire?

What? Are you deaf?

I want to know where the device is that you planted on Earth.

The device you speak of, Captain, has not been built yet.

We set off a prototype weapon aboard your ship,

but plans to alter neurological pathways on a planetary scale

have proved more difficult than we first anticipated.

I expect all details of this device to be transmitted to me immediately,

so our doctor can start working on a cure for our condition.

There is no cure for you, Captain, or your crew.

You all now have heightened emotions, more powerful than normal human beings.

It's a slight side effect of detonating the weapon whilst you were time-sipping.

You call this a slight side effect?

No, Captain. It's better.

So what made you come back to this time period?

We knew back in this time period there is a rare element readily available,

which we could use as a main component in our device.

This element is unrefined and useless in this time period,

and without our time slip drive, we cannot get back to our own time.

Main pulse cannon has fired, Captain. It wasn't me.

Move! Disconnect the pulse cannons. Donnie, move us away.

The system is jammed.

Someone else is controlling it.

We cannot move the ship. Engine system is non-responsive.

Computer, shut down all systems to the main pulse cannon.

Computer!

Thank you for holding.

Your call is important to us.

You are currently tenth in the queue.

Sally, go down to the core immediately and disconnect the computer.

Press one to leave a message. Press two to return to the operator.

How can I trust you after this?

Captain, the pulse cannon is charging again. No! No!

Dottie, scan for survivors.

We've been unable to locate any. It seems they're all dead, Captain.

How many? For a minimum crew on a ship like that, plus civilians, 2,365.

Maximum crew, 7,000 casualties. All systems coming back, Captain.

Oof.

Go down and help Sally and the Corps.

Dottie, take us back to Earth and prepare to time-slip.

Commander, will you come with me, please?

We have to assess the situation.

There was nothing you could have done.

How many more people are going to die by my hand?

Ah, there you are.

The captain asked if we could help you. Oh,

do you know how to disconnect a multi-pin interconnection

sub-processor with an anti-security countermeasure?

Uh, no. Can you short out a sub-microtransverse

component with a static quantum field?

No.

I suggest you leave the work to me, and if I need you, I shall.

Oh, but Ox wanted to watch. Okay.

We'll both watch.

What are you doing, Dave, Sally?

Trying to make you better, Daphne. But Sally, I'm fine.

Please check my records. The main pulse cannon did not fire.

I will, but first of all, I have to put you to sleep for a while.

Yeah?

Will I...

Snore.

Someone's been watching too many classic movies again, haven't they?

Sally, I'm not bad. I'm just programmed that way.

I know.

Well, that's it.

She's offline.

She's gone.

What's wrong? What happened?

Something's on board and it's captured Sally. Do you know anything about this?

Before the computer was switched off,

I managed to recover some data which had been very cleverly hidden,

even from my eyes. And what was this information?

I believe that all of these accidents on board have been

subtly orchestrated to appear as computer malfunction.

But in fact, have been controlled by an unknown being. And? Well, for example,

the Molliport room, with the Reptid not materializing.

Another Reptid being jettisoned by the toilet system.

The unknown being then instructed the Bounty Hunters Guild

to pursue this craft for a dead or alive reward.

These are just minor examples.

And now the main pulse cannon firing without human control?

Well, have you come to any conclusion?

Well, with a great deal of difficulty,

I unlocked this file and discovered that all these commands,

even the bounty hunter's price, came from Dottie.

What?

We didn't do this.

We did not do this.

Captain, it was her android side which perpetrated

these crimes without her human side knowing.

May I suggest that you place her with the doctor so that we may examine

her sub-programming to determine exactly what went wrong?

Oh, no.

We didn't do it, Captain.

We didn't do it.

You think we're crazy? Sorry, Dottie. No.

Is she going to be all right?

She will be fine, Captain.

Wise move, Wolf.

Captain to the bridge.

What is it? You explain, Hologram.

It seems that Dottie left a failsafe for us, Captain.

It's programmed the self-destruct to activate in the event of a capture.

Can we stop it? Not without the main computer online.

That's it? All hands, abandon ship. I repeat, all hands, abandon ship.

So what now?

I suggest that we leave Dottie on board so she doesn't harm anyone else, Captain.

I will take the ship to a safe distance from the planet

so we don't interfere with this time period,

and then the ship will detonate safely.

What about Sally?

There's nothing I can do. Sorry, Captain.

Let's go. Thank you, Hologram.

It's been my pleasure, Captain.

Why did you lie about me?

I've done nothing to hurt you.

Really?

But you see, you could.

Consequently, you'll soon be under my total control, as is Sally.

I fooled everyone.

And in the process, captured two of the most

intelligent crew members of this starship.

Poor Sally.

She is currently hot-wired to my submatrix,

increasing my engineering knowledge of the ship 100-fold. And as for you, dear,

What pains and pleasures await you?

I have control over the most powerful ship in the galaxy.

I'm going to rewrite history.

And no one is going to stop me.

Lohard here. Captain.

Just a courtesy call to thank you so much for the use of this starship.

Oh, and of course for the two playmates.

With a little tweaking, they'll make most compliant companions.

It wasn't the computer or Dottie. It was you the whole time.

I order you to return and disconnect yourself.

Impossible, I'm afraid, Captain.

You see, our little trip back in time gave me a soupçon of free will.

Enjoy your sojourn on this planet, Captain.

It's going to be your home for a very, very long time. Au revoir.

Hologram! Hologram! What about Reg and Vilma?

They must still be on the ship.

What are they looking at?

Reg and Vilma.

They're still on the ship.

Oh, no! Not Reg and Vilma!

Reg.

Where is the silly tart?

I'm standing on the captain's log. I can't be a footstacker.

I can feel the pressure building.

Hello?

What? Who?

Hang on. I've got a brighter beer.

Can I keep my sanity? Have I lost control?

Thank you.