Original subtitles

We are trapped in the 21st century.

I am Captain Belinda Blowhard of the Dreadnought Nemesis.

We journeyed back in time from the year 3034.

Our orders are to locate and destroy a reptid mothership sent back

in time to alter our history and the future of the human race.

As we entered the time slip,

a device was activated on board the ship infecting my crew.

Now we can no longer suppress our emotions and must control

feelings that humans haven't felt for hundreds of years.

We will find these reptiles and complete our mission if it's the last thing we do.

I will not let these new emotions divert us from our destiny. Duty.

Dottie, check the database. Try and get a reading on this thing.

Oof, any luck with the weapon lock yet?

No, weapons will not lock.

It seems to either have an anti-cloaking field or an anti-matter displacement field.

We cannot scan around or near the parameters of this object.

We feel very confused.

Well, that's nothing new, Dotty.

All right, everyone, this is very serious. Gather around.

If we cannot destroy it, and we cannot get close enough to see it properly,

then perhaps our internal systems are damaged. We are repenting.

Well, don't look at me. I'm still getting over my last girlfriend.

But you only met her yesterday.

You obviously haven't met the right woman yet.

Maybe I can assist?

No, I'm fine, honest. Look, we've got to keep this professional.

We can if you want. I don't mind being paid.

We have just received a blue screen of death attempting to clear and purge.

Oh, shut up, all of you!

This is ridiculous. I mean, we were once the best of the best of the Admiralty,

and now we can't even have a serious discussion about

something that could potentially wipe us out.

All I hear about is sex, sex, sex,

or somebody's in the corner bawling their eyes out.

For my sanity, do you think we could just have one

conversation without anything to do with sex in it?

Or without Dottie having to try and reboot herself all the time? Huh?

Can we?

You think?

Aye, aye, Captain. Ox, what do you think about this object?

Don't you ever speak?

This is insanity!

Does anybody have an opinion about this situation? Yes, Captain.

We simply cannot scan it.

It might be a multi-space-time molecular object

designed to live outside of galactic time,

hence the impossible lock on the hazmat scanner. That's excellent work, Dottie.

All right, now we're getting somewhere.

Well, if it is outside of space-time,

we could adapt the weapon system with a hyper-quantum signature pulse.

That should give us a locking target,

which we could then use to enable the cannon to emit an anti-time burst.

This is good stuff. Now we're rocking. Okay, Cropper.

What?

Yeah, I heard Paul's being mentioned, and mine's a bit high.

What are you talking about?

I knew it was too good to last. No, hang on. Just rebooting my system.

Oh, we do not do it like that. On that we are certain.

Oh, my blue socks.

I certainly need to keep this bridge tidier, because if I don't,

it'll all have to be redone.

Don't say anything, darling.

Everyone back to work, please.

Belinda?

Yes, computer?

I have scanned the surface of the planet Earth,

and I have found a location to which reptids are returning regularly.

And what sort of place is this?

Dottie, run a full scan. Give me some more info.

We have indeed found the location that the computer refers to, Captain.

It seems to be some sort of alien meeting point,

where they gather under human disguise.

We believe that they were once referred to as gambling dens, dance houses, casinos,

hotel owners, cat houses, strip joints, massage parlors...

Sounds like an undercover mission to me. If we can infiltrate this place,

perhaps we could lay a trap for the reptids when they return.

Computer, run a multi-level bioscan on the planet's surface

and keep your eyes peeled for any disguised reptids.

Why didn't I think of this before? Affirmative, Captain.

Yes, Hologram?

Your request activated my attention sensors, Captain.

And why would that be?

We believe that this should have been brought to your attention some time ago.

What are you talking about?

Since our trip back in time, Dottie and the computer seem to be somewhat...

Lacking in the disciplines required to perform

their duties within acceptable parameters.

Is Darty herself, Captain?

We are fine.

As one.

A computer is also too familiar, and at the same time,

too distanced from its occupational remit, Captain.

We should think seriously about deactivating it,

and running a full diagnostics check on its primary function systems.

The hologram's right, Captain.

I'm fine, fit as a fiddle, and I'm not an it, I'm a she, thank you very much.

I rest my case, Captain.

Noted, hologram. Thank you for your observations.

Well, Dottie, my schizophrenic, double-sided lovely, what can I do for you?

The captain requested a check-up for both of us.

The hologram has tried to merge us, and our android side is agreeing.

But our human side has resisted it.

Even though we tweaked our interconnecting personality stabilizing switch.

Did it work?

You think so?

I like a good tweaking.

Not now, Nurse.

Right, Dottie.

I've taken down all your particulars, and very nice particulars you have, too.

That's all.

We didn't feel a thing. Oh, it does feel good

to be so well. Thank you, Doctor. Nurse?

If only the rest of us were as sane as those we... two.

Nurse, for the rest of the day,

I shall be sampling this strange substance called alcohol.

Please keep notes as the experiment progresses.

Okay, doctor.

Hello, Captain. Where would you like to go?

Computer, can you take me to the Molliport room, please?

Aye, aye, Skipper.

Oops, sorry about that.

These lifts are temperamental, just like me.

Never mind, it'll soon be the weekend and I

can put my feet up with a nice cup of tea.

Okay, uh... Captain, are you alright?

Computer?

Yes, Captain. Could you, uh, repeat that, um, vibrate accident?

You know, I want to feel.

I mean, I want to analyze the problem.

Your request is my command.

Oh, yeah, that's good. Just there.

Terminals 68 and 69, Captain.

Oh, just like that.

What do you want? Oh, God.

Oh, yes. What?

Oh, yes. What?

Are you mad?

Oh, for heaven's sake, get a room. And they say I'm unbalanced. The nerve of it.

What happened to you? It was the lift. The lift? Yeah,

there's a little bit of turbulence in the lift.

You shouldn't get turbulence. I'll go and check.

You touch that lift, punk, and I'll kill you.

Get back in there. Coordinates set.

Where's Sally?

Truly amazing. We are molly ported safely down here,

and the chief already finds herself in a tight

spot. What's wrong with it? I don't know.

Must be a glitch within the third power relay in the quantum scanner.

We should speak in a language I could understand.

Let's go, shall we?

Yes, what do you want?

I was wondering if you had some work for some fit and able women.

We are fit, and we are able.

We could also jiggle up at you a little bit if you would like, yeah?

Dottie, stand still.

Yes, I see what you mean by a dotty.

But you're in luck. We do have positions available for two exotic artistes.

Fabulous. Woof.

Show the man your stuff.

Have a good look.

Yes, yes, wonderful. You'll do.

Oh, how about this?

No, we need pole dancers, not idiots.

Well, there is one more young lady in our party

that might just work out for you. Sally?

Sally, get over here.

I must protest. Damn it, I'm an engineer, not a dancer. I'm not even Polish.

Well, you're gonna be a stranded engineer if

you don't go over and impress that fellow.

Yes, well, the kid's got grit. She'll do. Great. When do they start?

Come back tonight.

And if you want, we'll give you tickets to see the show for free.

Tickets? We shall need two, as there are two of us. He knows that.

You don't need to tell him.

Okay, I was just saying.

We had that.

Doctor?

Ah, Captain.

Oh, it's far too since long I've had you in my grasp. Get off. What is that smell?

Oh, I'm most awfully dreadfully sorry.

Seems to be effects of the speriment.

How can I love you?

Help you. I just need a little something for a

rash I must have contracted on Earth. Really?

Well, take off all your clothes and tell me you love me.

It's on my arm, Doctor.

Nurse!

I'm here, Doctor.

Oh, that was quick. Could you get some infected cream for the sexy, lovely captain?

That should clear it out.

Thank you very much.

What kind of experiment have you been conducting? You're an absolute wreck.

Well, no, I've been examining a Scottish bottle called Scotch Biscuit.

It's extremely efficacious.

So I suppose you haven't had any chance to work

on the cure for our other problem. No, no.

Would you like a drink? No. Do you know, it makes me want to burst into song.

In fact, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado,

I'd like to sing my latest number entitled, Grandma,

Get Your Feet Off the Table and Give the Cheese a Chance.

Thank you.

Nurse?

Doctor, are you all right?

Take a look, nurse.

After extensive testing with the Scottish bottle, the floor came up and hit me.

No reptids present, Captain. I've set up several detection devices to spot them,

but I've had 12 proposals for something they call marriage.

Anything else to report? No, Captain.

And how's Sally holding up?

All right, carry on whatever you were doing.

Ram, I have detected that we are about to be approached from behind by a large ship,

and I'm not that sort of girl on a first date. Shall I recall the crew?

No.

Summon the remaining senior officers who were left on board.

Is that wise? None of them have any combat training.

Just do as you're told, you pathetic excuse for a computer.

There's no need to be rude. You could give a girl a complex, you know.

Are you having a party? What's going on, hologram?

The computer thought it would be best to leave

the main crew on the planet and summon you.

You lying son of a... We are currently being fired upon by an intruder.

Your ship is yours.

Oh, my blue socks!

And now, for our newest recruit, please give a huge,

naked ambition welcome to the pure, the innocent, the never-been-touched,

virgin of white, Miss Sally Pop Your Tupper!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What brings a beautiful girl like you to a place like this?

Are you talking to me?

Oh wow!

Sally, after seeing you on stage, I knew you weren't from around here.

No.

Is that a problem?

No, no, no. Of course not. Of course not.

But, um, if we're going to make love, do you mind if I, um,

change into my real form?

No, of course not.

Be my guest.

Oh my, so many.

But before we go any further, do you have some sort

of protection for them? Is he all done, baby?

I'll be right back.

Now you can walk away with just a limp, or I can rip your arms off.

Either way, you don't want to do this.

I could have handled him myself.

You do realize that, don't you?

By the way, did you say something back there? Oh, I see.

I'll take him.

Our shield's down to plus five and falling.

Right! I've figured out how to fire these blasted guns!

Blasted guns? Where? Give them a drink. Come on.

Oh, these guys really don't know how to treat a lady.

I have audio signal from the other ship.

Dreadnought Nemesis, we are members of the Longstar Bounty Hunter Society.

A huge bounty has been placed on your head, and we're here to collect.

Dead or alive, surrender now or we'll blast you out of the universe.

A bittership's nameplates are not body parts all we need.

We don't care as long as we get our reward.

Ooh, I'm shaking in my boots! Where am I?

Get these weapons to fire, freaks!

Shields down to plus one. We're all going to die!

We're all going to die! Excuse me,

but what would happen if you went into the quantum...

Then snap on the brakes and hit reverse. Reg, you're brilliant.

That'll cause a quantum reverse field.

Activate quantum thingy and kiss your ass goodbye.

Oh, Reg, you big hunk of a man, you... Hey, Reg.

Don't have to go in the log. It's a duck manoeuvre. Did we win?

Hologram.

Yeah?

You can take over again. I'm going to look after my little hero.

Hmm.

Seems that your plan didn't work after all.

Love all you want, computer.

Your days are numbered.

There you are. I've been trying to find you. Did you discover anything? No,

but Wolfenox discovered a reptid.

They'll meet us outside in ten minutes.

Oh, you got time for a drink? Chocolate?

I need something, that's for sure.

Cropper, what's wrong? Can we get one more of those special fancy drinks you made?

Thanks.

It's good, huh? It's great. What is it?

It's Bombay multi-fling, dear. It's got gin, rum, coke, ice, Russian vodka,

and a very special secret ingredient.

And what is that very special secret ingredient?

What's it worth?

Tell me!

All right.

It's got freshly liquidized squid. This damn thing escaped earlier.

Found it out by the condom machine.

Goodbye, my sweet and considerate potential lover. Goodbye.

It's all a bit weird here, Captain. I think we should leave.

Yes, I heartily agree.

Back to the relative sanity of the nemesis.

We're ready to molly port back to the ship, plus one prisoner.

Trouble with the mulliport juice.

Christian, I'll leave you alone for five minutes.

What's wrong? A temporal glitch in the influx chamber.

Looking for Nox and Molly in an okay.

What about the Reptid?

He's... I think he's...

What did I do? Where's our prisoner?

All over you, Wolf.

And you shut up!

Sally, you better get a sample of that for the doctor to study.

What, should I put it all, him, in?

Oh, they should do.

I'm going to make you scream.

I'm going to make you moan.

I'm going to make you call out my name.

Now where were we?

Ox, what is my name?

Screams