Original subtitles

Our mission continues as we search for the whereabouts

of the Reptids and their mothership.

I am getting more and more worried about the sanity of my crew. I mean,

everybody is acting so weird between Dottie going

off and the stuff happening with the doctor.

I've decided to make a personal record of the effects of these increased emotions.

They seem to be getting worse and worse.

I met a girl yesterday.

She likes me one moment and...

She wants to hit me the next.

I'm so scared.

I can't understand what she means by PMT.

Cropper!

Doddy, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we... Yep.

How many alien races did we wipe out?

At the last count, Captain. In the future, that is.

We had destroyed almost 1,245 races.

We're still having problems locating the reptids, though. That's incredible.

You know, I hate to say this, but all this death and destruction is making me feel

Really sad. Are you feeling again, Captain?

Would you like a hug? Would you like to embrace your pain?

In with love, out with hate.

Move the mountain?

No, Dottie, actually, I just need a moment. Very good, Captain.

Donny, why did we have to be so bad? Oh, shh. There, there, there.

How could we have done all that? We know we have to stop.

That'll be all, Donny.

I know how you feel.

I couldn't help myself.

All those AIDS. What are we doing? They were innocent. What on earth is wrong?

It's just all these alien races that we've wiped

out and tried to be a woman in command.

All this death and destruction.

I'm 19 years old, and I can build the most advanced starship in the galaxy.

But can I get a man? No.

No! I mean...

All I want is Cropper. There's not much to ask, is there?

Oh, he's not worth it, sweetheart. Do you know how hard it is to be a woman? Do you?

Well, I know how hard it can get when you're not, but I understand your pain,

ladies. Oh, God, it must be terrible. Oh, God, it must be terrible.

I've had enough, get out!

Please don't leave me, I beg you! You're incredible!

No, it's for the best. You'll thank me later.

It's your fault!

Bunch of weirdos.

Since we have received these emotions,

I've noticed that the bridge crew have been affected more than myself.

Oh, Dottie, Dottie.

Just one night with you, two for the price of one.

Captain, there's an intruder in the molly port. Sally, no problem, are you okay?

Do you need security? Sally!

Aye, aye, Captain.

It'll take more than one intruder to catch me on my knee,

so I suggest you come down here.

I'm on my way. Move, you're with me. Crawford,

you've got the ship. Aye, aye, Captain.

Thank you, Sally.

We must make a landfall.

If that was a soft landing, Dottie, remind me never to ask for a hard one.

A hard one, Captain?

We believe we are incapable of giving you a hard

one without fitting the correct attachments.

Oh, can it, Dotty.

Can? Can opener. We believe we are incapable of canning it, too. Pipe down.

Pipe. Drain pipe. Trouser pipe. Bag pipe.

Zip it. Trouser zip.

Psst.

Captain, I don't know what's happened. Every system is offline,

the computer and the hologram are dead, and the engines are a complete mess.

All of this happened when you, Molly, ported on board. Explain.

Captain, I have done nothing.

My name is Joss, and I come from the future. I have been searching for you,

and you alone. I've never even met you. Captain, we meet in the future.

I have traveled back in time to help you.

Where and when I come from, the human and rected races

live in peace and harmony. I don't believe you.

Belinda, I'm sorry.

All I know is that I'm here to help you.

This is the corporate report.

I've decided to make a journal, just in case anyone in the future finds this.

It's been a month since we crash-landed on a remote and distant island on the Earth.

We feel if we stay away from the Earth's timeline, then we can't affect it.

Sally's built generators to supply the ship with power so we can live here,

but sadly, it seems the Nemesis will never fly again.

It's got something to do with aged particles or something like that,

but I never could understand what Sally was talking about.

Well, this is Cropper, signing off. Till next time.

All right, everybody, gather round.

Doctor, are you sure this is a good idea? Idea?

Oh, yes, of course.

What idea?

We couldn't leave a message.

Ah, yes. Now, we cannot be sure that we could leave a message

or leave a device that would survive to our own time period.

I mean, even Dottie's lifespan would not be enough.

We have to find a way to let the Admiralty know what happened.

Well, haven't you ever heard of a time paradox, Doctor? I mean,

if your idea actually worked,

then we wouldn't be here because we would have told ourselves how to avoid it.

Ah, yes. Well, it looks as though we'll be the

only ones here for the foreseeable future,

so we might as well make the most of it.

Isn't that right, Nurse?

Yes, Doctor. Besides, as officers of the fleet,

it is up to us to do all we can to report back to the Admiralty.

So what do you suggest we do, Doctor?

Do?

Do?

What do we do?

The nanovirus.

Has affected? Yes.

No, the nanovirus has affected our biological makeup.

We all now have these reproduction working systems.

We can all look forward to the blood and goo.

Oh, I feel sick.

Really? Oh, I'll examine it later. Just get to

the point, Doctor. Oh, you are keen, Captain.

I really think I should let everyone else know what

I'm saying first. Now, this is what I suggest.

As there are very few women left after the crash,

and with a correct time-release breeding program...

We could produce a small colony that would survive to our future.

Well, how many times? I mean, how many of us get to do it?

Do it.

Do it. Well, I have these straws here for you all to pick. Now,

only two of you will have to do it first,

and then we can redo the test either two or five years later, depending on my plan.

Which I haven't drawn up yet. Right.

Who's first?

Only kidding. I know I couldn't be a woman. Could I? No, you couldn't, cropper.

We don't have the right equipment anymore.

And the winners are...

Captain Blowhard and Dottie.

Oh, crap. We feel we are ready to meet this challenge. Great. Oh, shite.

Just mind nothing more.

Best of three?

It's 5.30, and this is the Cropper report.

It's been three months since we crash-landed on Earth,

and plans are underway to start building our colony.

I'm outside the captain's quarters now. I'm gonna see

how things are going. Yeah, I can hear movement.

I'm going in.

Thank you very much, sir. Appreciate your efforts.

Don't give me that, pervert.

So, Captain, any news for the viewers?

Oh, proper. Get the fuck out of my face. Take your

camera and shove it up your ass. Piece of shit.

Thank goodness for automatic dialogue correction.

All right, who's next?

From my calculations, only one more of you will need to take part.

Ha! You see? It's me.

Oh, yeah! Go, Sally! Go, Sally! Get down and I woo!

Get down and I woo! It's not fair.

I want to do my bit so I can re-establish links with our future.

Come on now, nurse. Well,

maybe we could go through some of those techniques I've been showing you,

just in case you're needed next time.

What a cow.

Sally, I suggest you conserve your energy and get some rest.

It will be a long and hard ordeal for you.

Absolutely.

Right, I'll prepare the list of men you'll be starting with tomorrow.

Can you believe it? I'm going to be one of the women on the programme.

I can't believe it.

This is the Cropper Report.

It's been a sad week for the crew as we mourn the loss of security

guard Bull Ox and chief engineer Sally Poppy Topoff.

They were killed instantly when 25 tons of ship fell on them.

No speech has taken Sally's role on the colony program,

only mere seconds before Sally was finally going to do it with a man.

Sally's final words were, oh yeah, oh yeah, get down tonight.

A very tragic affair.

It's been ten months since we crash-landed on Earth,

and Dottie and the captain are in the final throes of giving birth.

And in a moment, we'll be going into the med bay to give you a live report.

The father of Dottie's baby was our new chief engineer, Christian,

whilst the shocking news was that the father of the captain's

little bundle of joy was time traveller Joss Tix.

Joss has been a part of our crew for some time now,

helping us cope with these new emotions.

Sounds like things are getting heated in there.

I'm going in.

Dottie, how's everything cooking?

We didn't know we had to cook as well.

Inquiry, how do we remove the subject which is causing

a feedback in our pain and logic sensors?

Well, you need to push it out from your abdomen. Look,

let me show you on this playback device.

Push to get the baby's head out.

Oh, somebody help us! This is third-degree cyborg abuse! I mean,

that is just not natural! Oh, it's all your fault!

Control freak! We believe it's coming.

That's...

Captain, how goes this baby-making process?

I have been in labor for 56 hours, clubber!

It seems that reptile-human hybrids just take a little longer than normal humans.

Oh, give me drugs.

Give me drugs, don't you... Give me drugs!

Give me...

This is the proper report.

After a record-breaking 62 hours in labour, the captain gave birth to a baby boy,

which they named Tom, and Dottie gave birth to a baby girl, which they named Sally,

after our deceased chief engineer.

Personal note for future reference, Do not attend any births,

especially not with a recording device.

Mum, look what I found.

Striker!

Captain.

Oh, now, now. Not in front of the children.

That's my old friend.

And it's Belinda. I haven't been captain for years.

Remember my husband, Joss?

Yes.

Oh.

Nice man.

Likes too much mustard.

I heard about your wife. I'm sorry.

My wife?

My wife?

No, beach.

Nurse Beach. Lovely girl.

Sad days.

She died in the great storm of 2024, right?

The storm was rather messy.

Bless me with many children.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Hey, how would you like to have dinner with us tonight?

Dinner? What's that?

It's a meal. It's something you eat. I know what a meal is.

It's what you have around dinner or tea time.

Right, right.

What's, say, seven-ish?

Oh, my heart. Oh, it's been fun.

It has. Honest, it has. It has. Where?

Who? What?

It's 5.30, and as we say, here, live from the Nemesis Bridge...

It's The Late Show with Cropper, here in his 20th year of broadcasting live.

We've had laughs, tears, and lots of wind.

But we're still fighting, Finn.

Dottie.

What is it, Tom?

Does the Commander know that you've disconnected his recording device?

We think not.

We couldn't have, could we?

Yes, we could have. Yes, we did. No, he doesn't.

And we think for the sake of everyone, we'll keep it that way.

And how's the ninth child coming along, Dottie?

They are within normal parameters.

They?

Well, we have scanned our hosting device,

and it appears that there are three life forms.

You're incredible, Dottie. You take it so calmly.

Most women would be in shock if they had to give birth three times,

one after another at the same time.

You're amazing.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Nobody told us that.

Three in a row, one after the other, just like that, no. No,

why does this keep happening to us? Nobody told us about this.

Why are we so misinformed?

Why does this keep happening to us?

This is not fair.

Oh, I know what this is. This is all just an evil plan. An evil plan, Dr. Stryker.

Oh, you pull the straw, Dotty. You'll be fine. You'll be okay.

Well, I don't believe... So, Tom, would you like to take over my show?

No, that's fine, Commander.

You carry on.

We do not want this.

We cannot give birth again and again and again. We're sure of it.

I know, sweetheart. I'm sorry.

Mum, it's Dad.

He's collapsed.

I think it's my time to leave, Belinda.

Don't go, Joss.

I love you.

Belinda, there is something I must tell you.

To enable me to travel back in time without the protection of the ship's shield.

I used a device which I stored on the bridge under your seat.

This device must have malfunctioned and affected this time period and the ship.

You see, Sally was right all along, clever kid.

I do remember her mentioning something about aged particles, but...

She discovered that the ship had been affected

by a space-time anomaly on a subatomic level.

That was making it and...

Everyone in it will age more quickly.

The device has the capacity to reset everything up to the

point where I first molly ported here from the future.

That is one drawback.

Everything will return to the way it was.

So everyone apart from the original crew, including our son, will cease to exist.

Why didn't you do something when you could?

Because of you.

Don't you understand? After all these years, I fell in love with you in the future.

But you would not return my love.

So I traveled back in time so that I could be with you.

Without you.

Captain, what are you going to do?

I don't know, Wolf.

I mean, how will we know if everything goes back to normal?

How will we be able to stop this series of

events from happening over and over again?

We do not know, but we do not wish to be here,

and we certainly do not wish to give birth three times at the same hour ever again.

Well, I've had enough of not being able to control my own backside.

Captain, would you please make a decision soon?

We think that we are nearing the point of no return.

Please could you all leave?

I need a little time alone with my mother.

We've got a little bit of a problem here, haven't we?

You could say that. Mum, listen.

It's your future. I shouldn't even be here. I'm just a creation of that device.

No, Tom, no.

I've made up my mind.

This is our time now.

This is our life.

No, ma'am.

This is St. Croix's destiny to fulfill.

Even if you do have a few screws loose.

Just promise me you'll remember.

I can't make that promise, son.

Why do you think this decision is so hard for me to make?

With all the years of training that you gave me, with the whole galaxy at stake,

how could I be so selfish?

The nemesis will rise to fight another day.

Because I love you, Mom.

I love you. I love you.

Thank you, Sally.

Who are you?

How did you board my ship?

Captain, he is half human, half reptid. How is this possible?

Captain, why did you do that? He could have led us to their mothership.

I don't know. I just had a bad feeling.

What do you mean, Captain?

I don't know. It was just something in my mind, and then now it's gone.

Why am I so upset?

I can't wait to get rid of these emotions.

You sure you've never seen him before?

No, I've never seen him before. It must be some Reptid trick.

Captain?

Yes, computer?

I detect molecular decay from the Reptid and its device.

Would you be so kind to get it off little old me,

as this girl needs to keep her beauty?

Sally, Molly poured everything into space.

Make sure you vaporize it so it doesn't affect the ship. All right, Skipper.

Actually, I feel a bit tense. A massage would go very well.

I'll have my chair back now, Cropper.

Yes, Captain.

Can't you keep it zipped up for one moment, Commander?

Doctor, any luck on that cure for our emotions?

Emotions?

What?

Oh, that cure.

No luck, I'm afraid.

There's a lot more of Miss Beach I have to go over. I mean,

with Miss Beach I have to go through. Strike her out.

I'll take that as a no. Dottie has a scanning going.

With it, Captain! Dottie?

Didn't we wipe them out?

Yes, Captain. Tissue's almost down by.

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